Tuesday-Thursday,
August 3-12,
2010
New Lessons
8/3/10
The only way you can find nothing is if you are looking for something.
8/4/10
How many sneezes must a man sneeze before you call him sick? The answer
my friend is blowing in the wind because germs travel by air.
8/5/10
Nothing is fool proof. That is how foolish a fool is.
8/6/10
My dad's name is Art but other people have names too.
8/7/10
Women who want to keep their own last name when getting married never
stop to think that their last name came from their father and not their
mother.
8/8/10
Cup pies would be good but they would also be too small!
8/9/10
Pick up lines are the opposites of put downs.
8/10/10
A paranormal investigator is a normal investigator with a parachute.
8/11/10
We have been going to flat screens with no tubes but YouTube has kept
the tube alive.
8/12/10
Bluegrass tastes better than rock and rap. Unless the rap you are
talking about is the tortilla with food in it.
Monday,
July 12,
2010
Jibber Jabber 2010 Updated
• I just can't watch Man vs. Food it makes me
hungry, covetous, and jealous. :(
• Genesis has NES in
the word. GeNESis. So it turns out Genesis does what Nintendid.
• So after 20+ years I've finally realized
that the pipes in the Mario Bros games may have something to do with
the Mario Bros being plumbers. I was 17 before I realized that T-shirts
were T-shaped (but of course so are all shirts with sleeves).
• Slang words suck daddio
• If anyone has an egg crate cushion and 100 eggs to put in it I will
lay on it and it will be fun and messy.
• Just realized that crackers are white and there may be a correlation
between this and its slang usage referring to caucasians.
• I don't accept your except.
• Who ever turned 21 on 7/7/07 must have had a cool birthday.
• So......ap
• Easter is the day we remember the death on the cross of Jesus Christ
but every day we are to live in His life.
• I am eating pre-wine.
• Once fought a miner rat with a laser hat in the subway of a floating
city, but that is an NES game for you.
• And then I typed in this status message. And.. that is the whole
story.
This is an arrow that doesn't point.
• My Talk the Talk Challenge for Flower: I am not like a flower
because if you blow on me I will not break and I will not bend. So give
me my time because I'm always in bloom and my season never ends.
• My 5th anniversary of YouTube Story: I uploaded a bunch of
videos and almost no one watched or commented on any of them. Oh and my
video for Punch My Cat in the Face got flagged.
• I am considered smart enough by my peers to where if I say something
stupidly implausible people will question basic reality.
• I'm taking a poll. Do you think it is ok to take a pole?
• What if I intentionally paid the wrong person the right price?
• Thanks to U-Verse for never letting me go very long at all without
internet connectivity. Unless it is off when I'm asleep.. I better stay
awake 24/7 just to be sure..
• Just got the Greater Memphis phonebook and I am thrilled! I thought
the regular Memphis phonebook was as good as it gets, boy was I wrong!
... Wait so if this is the Greater.. that must mean there is a greatest
on the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Two too much too
• I'll remember that right now.
• But wait there's more.. if you act now or later
• I have grown increasingly fond of bullets. Uh this kind, •.
• Friends know each other? Oh now I get it!
• It is not good to say the coolest things because that would be cold.
• I'm from 11ic-1.
• Since I live in the central time zone does that mean I will live one
hour longer than those in the eastern time zone or does it mean I will
die one hour sooner?
• I hate the US because it is a hypocrite but the A is good.
• I like stupid questions?
• Accidents are a bad addiction.
• I know people get bug bites but who has gotten chewed on by a bug?
• I over came to a birthday party once. I thought it was bi-annual
instead of annual.
• When I turn 25 I'll be 300 months old which should I celebrate more?
• Da Emp is roll'd time out ferrets..
• Turn your spelling errors into succes!
• If you no longer fear me Piemerica.org is a real place of mine with
art and sounds and lights (if your monitor is lit).
Jibber Jabber 2009 Updated Emperor MAR
at the End of the Decade
* I can still say 'ot next decade (and the rest of the century) if I
word the years per this example "2 'ot 10" Discovering this pains
me because I could have been saying 2 'ot 'ot 9
* Getting ready to say goodbye to the last decade of the decade.
* Hopes his eastern time zone friends don't ruin his new year. If they
do he'll just have to take it out on his Mountain and Pacific time zone
friends.
* Feels bad for all the kids to be born at 11:59 tonight. They'll have
to wait all year for their birthday. Kids born at 12:00 tomorrow will
get to have their birthday right at the beginning of the year.
Ultra Personal Status
Updates
* On my 24th birthday: Thanks for all the birthday wishes
everyone. This has been my happiest birthday in at least a year and
ranks in the top 24 for sure!
* Some times I write on my Facebook wall but usually I don't. Look at
my wall and do the math if you don't believe me.
* Food Dood postponed due to: tiredness, onions, lack of funds/puns,
slanted forks, sack of transportations, laziness, September ending, and
most of all the 7% left unfinished. Also about injury, fatigue, and a
mysterious black envelope
* November 7: Just trimmed the longest beard I've ever had. Now I
have phantom beard syndrome.
Until last year I thought the message when
the Sega Genesis boots up said "Produced by Dr Under License by Sega
Enterprises Ltd." Then I finally took a good look and took a second to
think and realized it says "OR" not "DR"
Thursday,
June 24, 2010
New Lingo: Emoticon -
An emotional prisoner. He was an emoticon of her
love. Bootiful
-
Beauty that is envied. She is soo
bootiful. I hate her!
Links: Piemerican Lingo
Friday,
April 30, 2010
Reviews, Single Link Downloads, In Page
Streams, & All Related Artwork now on all 4 MARS releases from 2005 & 7 releases from 2007.
Sunday,
April 25, 2010
Reviews, Single Link Downloads, In Page
Streams, & All Related Artwork now on all 28 MARS releases from 2004 including the
previously unavailable Backtracking.
Monday,
April 19, 2010
New Comedy Quotes Collection:
The Twenty-Eighthornaltude
No Census Is Worth These Questions
1. I'm taking a reverse census. Where are you not from?
2. There were here. Where?
3. Which one of you is the other one?
4. If you can read this say "I can't read."
5. Have you met your friends yet?
6. Name someone you've never even heard of.
7. Do you make your own hair, do you grow it yourself?
8. How many books are in your eyebrow?(Zero is the obvious answer).
9. If you had no face would you be able to face in a given direction?
10. Does your clock talk? Does it tell time? Well if it tells time it
talks right?
11. If <3 is love is >3 hate?
12. How old was earth on the last Earth Day, that is its birthday right?
13. How long is now?
14. Is this that thing I've heard so none about?
15. Byron Inc? That guy misspelled ink on his sign why would anyone
want to buy ink from him now?
16. Hey it has been a while, is one still a number?
No Questions Are Worth These Answers
1. Yo yo yo, that is my new invention it's the sequel to the yoyo.
2. I'm so bad at rollerskating I can't even standstillerskate.
3. What is my taste in music? I prefer bluegrass to rock because grass
is more of a food.
4. I wish all Canadians would say eh like Fonzie says Eyyy!
5. I'm a man of the world. All of my clothes are imported.
My shirt was made in Gatar. My pants were made in Bangladesh. My
underwear was made in Honduras. My shoes were made in China.
6. I talk so fast, I talk at the speed of sound.
7. This is not a show but a tell.
8. Running into a Volley of Green
9. Thanks for nothin' because I like nothing.
10. This song is too mellow it should be more mtn dew.
11. Yo Imma roll out, I'll catch you on the flop side because the flip
side just doesn't do it for me.
12. I thought mirrors were me because wherever I see one there I am.
Sunday,
April 18,
2010
Jibber Jabber 2010 Established:
* How many numbers are in a 10? 2 or 10
* Is one the highest number since 1st place is the best?
* Do you ever wonder why people wonder about things?
* I, as a Food Dood (fat guy who loves food), haven't even dreamed
about eating in my sleep (except in actual dreams).
* New Net Slang: ">>" for "Right Right"
* My real world name is Michael I know it is a rare name you probably
haven't heard of it.
* How many times can I say comb in the single instance of me saying
comb? I think it is one.
* Where Wolf
* When you are in the mirror how do you know it is you talking and not
the mirror?
* Train whisk unfurling
* Budget knocking pellets
* You for an uneight
* Where were your teeth yesterday?
* How many bugs are in this sentence?
* A leader is someone who intentionally guides another or others
utilizing his or her collective wisdom, knowledge, experience, and
skill.
* Alot of people worry about getting old. No matter how old you get
there will always be a lot of people out there older than you. The
problem is that the longer you live the more people are born and thus
younger than you and the people older than you start dying off.
* It is invisible except for the solid part.
* A blink is two simultaneous winks.
* How many people are just one of you?
* How many keys are on your keyboard? Wow how many cars or houses do
you have?
* Do you like to answer questions in sequence?
* To someone wearing Headphones: Hey man, why does your necklace
start in your ears?
* You can call me anytime except now and the past.
* How many friends do you have? Name zero of them.
* Chronologically what is your first name?
* How many times a day do you eat lunch?
* My star power is too much because I got a star in cereal and a power
munch consumed it.
* Have you ever wished you were dead and it came true but you had 3
wishes so here you are now?
* This song sucks, it is too short.. oh wait it is still going.
* I have lived long enough to know how to die.
* So if you are afraid of heights then you fall asleep in caves?
* I can sound like forks if I bang them together.
* I wish I had an acquaintance who frequently utilized the phrase "my
friend" so that I may feel well liked.
* toodleoooooohhnooooo
* Have you ever high fived your clock at five o'clock?
* her blanket is a storch that takes the computer under the linen horse
socket
* I like your chair, I hate it so much!
Monday,
April 12-Saturday, April 17,
2010
Lesson Mania Week 2010
4/12/10 - Day 1 - 6 Lessons
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it.
So really today is the only new day.
News is ok but of course no news is good news right?
Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because
there is more than one person involved in the second situation.
If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.
Preflexes are better than reflexes.
There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid
statements.
4/13/10 - Day 2 - 6 Lessons
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't
a light anymore.
Flashback Edition (6/12/05)
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.
Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.
A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug
you.
While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much
worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are
in something that is upside down.
Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per
person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
4/14/10 - Day 3 - 5 Lessons
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you
own a photo ID.
When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal
communication and not other noises they may make.
A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you
comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible.
Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have
already put a pillow in your backpack.
The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you
get hurt you already have a wheelchair.
4/15/10 - Day 4 - 8 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: Humans invented pizza in the past.
An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is
something.
England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.
When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.
Fun Food Fact: God invented fruit on the third day.
4/16/10 - Day 5 - 6 Lessons
Here's a good 1.
If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!
Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean
over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of
getting up.
Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.
Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling
inanimate engines that roar.
4/17/10 - Day 6- 5 Lessons
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage.
This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.
When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company
they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.
Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting
because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its
otherwise violently forceful suggestion.
Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being
unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than
fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.
One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the
days after that.
Slowing
until I fold in half
I've
finally got the right idea swimming around in my head
I just hope that this time I don't put these thoughts to bed
Though I try I don't think that I want to do it
My legs seem to prove it
Now I'm here
Slowing until I fold in half
Don't want this to be a photograph
I wish I had never been here
I don't want to lose track of myself
Because I will go over the rails
I don't want to be alone in a crack
C'mon and blow this thing wide open
I want to blow it wide open
Still no one will stare at that
I can't lose the control I never had
And I am almost under siege
So I am begging please "Lord pull me out"
Now I'm here
Facing fear but not doubt
When I should be wringing out
Ringing out for you
Though I try I don't think that I want to do it
My legs seem to prove it
I'm folding in half
I can't take longer than the aftermath
Rock Well
I may not
be Norman but I rock well
And let me tell ya I won't fail ya
I've got the best rhymes in history, this ain't no mystery, I'm on the
list you see
When it comes to rhyming I've got the timing
To run your mind in, in circles
I can even find a rhyme with purple
I'm the master and you can have a blast with me a blast so big it be a
catastrophe
Make you get out yo seat, move your feet, make you feel complete
I'm the diplomat of fat. The royal guard of lard. The mother geese of
obese.
And when my rhyming just won't cease you've got to move your feet
Because I'm a thrilla that lives in a villa, I sleep on my pilla, My
folders are manilla
And let me tell ya I won't fail ya
Because I may not be Norman but I rock well
Wednesday,
March 24,
2010
Episode Guide for Food Dood Now Complete
Links: Food Dood Episode
Guide
Monday,
March 22,
2010
Audio Clip from Golfulating IV added to Chatitude
Joenan: Are you alright?
Emperor MAR: Man I got hurt..
Joenan: Really?
Emperor MAR: Emotionally that you would do that.
Emperor MAR: My camera almost fell out of my pocket some.
Joenan: Some?
Emperor MAR: It went out a little bit, that's no good.
Links: Chatitude,
Golfulating IV
Imploding
I don't
quite understand the means or the end
Who am I to be living for?
Just myself again with supernatural power
What am I doing here?
Not to be guided but to learn how to drive and steer my own way
The same way as yesterday but with new power
Please tell me who am I to be living for
Do I qualify by saying a name?
Can it really be change if I stay the same?
How can life be beautiful when I'm soaked in sin and never turn from
what I should ignore?
What is the goal gonna be?
What am I supposed to see?
Could we be looking beside the fact?
Tell me, tell me where I'm at
Well should I just keep coming here
Expecting to learn when your good thoughts disappear
Have you thought this through or do you just want another through the
door?
Please tell me who am I to be living for
I hear a name but aside from that I just hear the same as I have in the
rest of the world
I swallow with no time to digest
You rush me on & on & on
I swallow with no time to digest
Am I being led & fed or am I on this roller coaster prescribed
One size fits all all of the time
Saturday,
February 13, 2010
New Song Recordings:
Recorded renditions by SarahEmily or yourromeo from
Blogtv of New Not
Unwilling, The Rail, Forgotten
Lyrics:
Have To
Have Two
When I
don't want to be breaking..
I don't want to be here but I'm here for the taking..
And I know if it was true
I would know the same as you
And we wouldn't have to
When I walk up to the street I shouldn't be crossing..
I don't want to be on this road. I'm sure at a loss here..
And I know if it was true
We would see enough but wouldn't have to do
No we wouldn't have to
We wouldn't have to
As if we ever did
If you don't want to be here don't
If you don't want to share don't
If you don't want to you don't have to
No you don't have to
When we want to show love but all we do is shrug
We still have to
Ain't that the truth
We still have to
Or there isn't a me or a you
No there isn't a me without love
No there isn't a you without love
And I want to love
I want to love
Love, love, love
Oh yeah we just have to
You've got to have two
Friday,
January 22, 2010
Top 10 Lessons of 2009 (For the 9th anniversary of lessons)
10. If you're afraid of loosing your home you
really should have bought a bigger house. Most people's houses are very
easy to see.
9. Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities
is bending.
8. Don't let the cat out of the bag or people will know you're not a
good pet owner.
7. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen or just open the
fridge.
6. If you're eaten out of house and home don't build your house out of
gingerbread next time.
5. When someone says to you, "It's a small world." tell them to go take
a walk.
4. Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still
shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.
3. Sometimes life really stinks but death always smells worse.
2. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,
except when your child goes missing.
1. In athletics often pros are cons.
Thursday,
January 21, 2010
New Comedy Quotes Collection:
Enornal Twenty-Sevenitude
1. Someone should sue Starbucks. They sell
litterable litter, literally.
2. I don't ever try
anything new or old. I get things done.
3. This is how I how now.
4. I lost all concept of time last.. um... uh..
5. I only have one arm (on my left side).
6. How many times has someone asked you this question?
7. Anyone who runs into idiots isn't good at running.
8. I'm tired of their he and she-nanigans how many times
do they have to be nan?
9. My doctor says yes but not relating to that question.
10. I'm a real vocabulary buff. In fact I just finished reading
the English dictionary. I didn't like it though. It wasn't wordy enough
for me. Next time I'll read the Spanish-English dictionary, that has a
lot more words.
11. When it comes to poetry I'm not poetic I'm poeattit.
12. I like to mess up mess halls to be literal and then I
convert them into halls.
13. I could invent a parachute for a parakeet and call the bird
a paraparakeet.
14. Ge-off: A woman from the Current in St. Louis took
this picture.
Emperor MAR: How did you get the
picture back?
15. Amnesia is a strange thing. It makes me wonder if I've had
it before because how would I remember if I did? There seems to be no
way of knowing.
16. Ge-off: Hope to see you in the past?
Emperor MAR: Oh yeah seeing me in
the past is the easiest way to see me if you already know me.
17. You're so great that on an alphabetic scale with A being the
worst you'd be asleep.
18. Food for thought if you can fit it in your tum
19. (While Looking at the night sky). Which one are these
stars is the sun?
20. Every time I sleep I live a dream.
Links: Enornal Twenty-Sevenitude
Wednesday,
January 20, 2010
Script Bits Page:
Massive page of unused scripted exchanges from over
the years.
Links: Script
Bits
Stranger:
What brings you to this website?
Emperor MAR: http & tcip brought me here on the technical side
Stranger: yeahhh i kno
Emperor MAR: you have too many h's but not enough w's
Emperor MAR: here are some for you
Emperor MAR: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Emperor MAR: use them wisely (originally I just had a lot of u's but I
converted them up into w's)
Stranger: how are the squares?
Emperor MAR: surprisingly round
Saturday,
January 16, 2010
New Find the Irony:
Turn right at the next left.
If you're going to leave that on turn it off.
Links: Find the
Irony
Jibber Jabber 2009 Completed:
* I'm glad we got big toes instead of thumbs
on our feet because if we had thumbs on our feet we could only count to
16, or 16 +4.
* I'm like that good kinda good when good isn't bad.
* When looking at duplicate photos.
"Wow how did you stand still that long?"
* The Titanic sank on my wife's birthday.
On my birthday a joint American–French expedition located the
wreck of the Titanic.
* Letters never sent. Letters never written.
* Do you enjoy having hours of enjoyment?
* Foot start
* Unbrella? This doesn't look like a brella to me but I guess that's
the point.
* Rice less
* You're my friend right? You'll read my comedy magazine won't you?
http://piemerica.org/pfo/pmag/pm4/info.html If you won't then I'll
reveal that Keith Apicary is the real you and that Nathan Barnatt is
the real character! Oh no, I just revealed it. Now my threat won't
work.. unless I make you forget about it. Hey look over there! There's
a MySpace ad on facebook! ... hahaha sucker..
* I was just thinking that right now.
* I have too many Ids in my wallet. Who is this guy?
* I am wearing a costume. I'm dressed up as my friend Allan dressed up
like me. He has a really good costume.
* This is the under time of the mofling race?
* I was there in the picture and I saw through the screen.
* *non-descript emoticon*
* Out of the numbers 3 & 1 which is your favorite and why?
* you bussing that egg heart?
* ain't a lock press the on
* I like listen to the wind of nature and the birds who eat bird in
surprising places
* You want to be a smash hit? Hit something now and smash it!
* When I eat eggs they go to my legs they make me feel like I'm walking
on pegs
Links: Jibber
Jabber 2009
New Lingo: Reverse Nosey
- One who unneccissarily tells others details of their own life.
Links: Piemerican Lingo
Saturday,
December 19,
2009
Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? - Food Dood
3rd episode of our full-length sketch comedy show.
Thursday,
December 17,
2009
The Making of Food Dood, Live Behind the Scenes Special
Wednesday,
December 16,
2009
Music by MARS:
Final release from 2004, Dismemories now available
for download and stream MARS 2009 Release page
now has new streaming and download options
Christ's
Bond of Unity
My God
found favor in me
He gave me love that will never leave
He gave me life from the Spirit to breathe
He gave me a wife that I will never leave
I love you
Not just yesterday but today and forever
My God holds us so no one can sever
Our love goes on forever and we owe it only to our King
I know whatever comes to us God can live through us
And make us better than we could be
And gives us light to share so others can see
He makes it look so easy because His love is amazing
I am so thankful
His love flows through me so you can be by loved me
I've done all I can do
I have surrendered and let God love you through me because I love you
too
And there's nothing this world can do
Because God gave me a wife that I will never leave & that I will
always love
I know that He loves me because He is loving me through you
And I know I love you because He's giving me love for you too
Love that never ends
Love that never leaves
God has found favor in us and now the two are one, the three are two
and we live and love in Christ's bond of unity.
Firsts
I don't
know what else there is to say
I'm still enamored with all the games we play
They sure are fun
I don't know what else there is to do
But I still love doing everything with you
You still make me stunned
I'll pour my heart out every day
And you will gladly take whatever comes your way
I love your heart of course
Right now and back to our firsts
When I see you by my side
I am overjoyed by you my lovely bride
Jibber Jabber 2009 Updated Emperor MAR the Fortune
Teller:
» Do you have any money on you? Let me see it. I see a US American 1974
quarter. That's not a fortune but it's a start.
» You're still poor.
» Let
me read your palm. Hmm I see a Z..V..Y, looks to be some sort of
acrynoym. I don't know what this stands for. You're future seems to be
unclear.
» I forsee you visiting a fortune teller .. sorry my watch is a bit
slow.
Links: Jibber
Jabber 2009
Tuesday,
October 20,
2009
Star & Micey Debut Album
Star & Micey, a band including Piemericans Ge-off Smythe
& Omaha
Nebraska (Geoff Smith & Josh Cosby), has their debut album out
today on Ardent Music. Emperor MAR gives it 5 stars.
Top 3 ways to loose money in a
business:
3. Burn down the insurance company instead of your
building.
2. Using the classic sales pitch & then putting
it into action,
"We Burn Money!
1. Play hide & go seek with the funds