Monday, December 23, 2019
+=- Dry Ice While You Wait💖I like the hive mind, it makes me feel comfortable sharing my wallet space with strangers in need. Y'know the ones, those who have cash but not enough cash to buy their own wallet.
Do the conveyor belts at the fake blood factory mimic the circulatory system?
My stove isn't watching this so if you need me to put a pot on some of your surfaces don't be afraid to ask.
I'm of the supple belief that some firm beliefs could use some tenderizing.
I wear a helmet when I shop for wigs in case their stock is low.
It's like I told my best friend, basket of scorpions, "Get Rich or die tryin'. I want Rich dead by sundown!"
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Instagram📸Piemerica is primarily publishing new content to Instagram on a regular basis since people actually see it there & like it.
The image block above shows our latest posts.
Added to the links section on the right are collections of hashtags used to organize our new Instagram content & comedy in 2018.
Link: Instagram for Piemerica
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
New MARS release, ✏👅
Saturday, June 30, 2018
June 2018 Lessons🎓India gets more jobs because they have more babies then we do. So get bizaay.
Most likely is not at all likely.
^That's beside the point
The best way to win a race is to hire a patsy to feign injury. That will slow all the other racers down so you can go for the goal.
The fools who oppose meat with GMOs don't know that GMOs will lead to animal sentience & liberation. So eat em while you can!
If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal just remember that human beings only come in one flavor so eat as few people as possible, ok?
Always have your company's hold music performed live. "Quick get the pianist over here, I've gotta put this guy on hold!"
Backe in thee olde daes watere didn't run, it just flowede.
The ocean is made of a billion waterbirds that will one day leave us high & dry.
All good things come to an end. Good things ends with the letter s. Bad things are misspelled, thnsgi.
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with mashed potatoes as a side.
Think outside the box, real hoarders don't use boxes, chump!
When a leaf falls on ice it's not because it slipped.
Film an out of focus camera with an out of focus camera with your eyes out of focus. Why? I don't know, I haven't thought of a reason. Sorry, this lesson doesn't have any focus.
Money would be a lot more funny if nickels were named cadmium, pennies were called paninis & trains were called panini presses.
Wild goose chases are harder than domesticated goose chases because you can just stand there & hug the goose cage.
Why going down a rabbit hole was the winning expression is anyone's guess. Mole hole rhymes, it should be the best.
Stupid teen birds. They're need to get off their phones & stop tweeting to each other all the time & start tweeting to each other again.
Everyone loves striking gold, except lightning.
Rocking horses are like fractionally reverse centaur rocking chairs. The head of a horse, the body of a horse, & the feet of.. a rocking chair.
Bowling with globes can make you feel like a god.
Foreshadowing occurs within a lifetime but twentyshadowing is for like 20,000 years from now.
In America you are innocent until proven guilty but if you kill the jurors in front of the judge, that proves you're guilty too.
The easiest people to do phone support for are tight rope walkers. All you have to do is keep them on the line.
Chucking wrappers isn't litter, it's free advertising.
Always carry a pen with you, that way if you see a delicious looking lunch in the breakroom you can write your name under theirs. "Jebney Swarweigi" "AND Webnon Jarjooli too!"
Earth starts with the word "ear" so that means you've gotta listen, man!
If someone grills you to the third degree, that's cool, you won't burn up but you may freeze.
You know what job is future proof? On location hurricane reporter. Drones ain't taking that job, they can't stand the wind. Even if the machines become sentient they'll be like, "I ain't doing that job. I ain't no beepin fool! Beep boop boop."
Everything's worse than your worst nightmare because nightmares aren't real and they happen while you're sleeping and sleep is awesome!
It's better to say, "How are you today?" than the alternative, "What are you today?"
The world isn't going to hell in a hand-basket. All hand-baskets go to heaven fool!
Dequeathing is when you're robbed by a ghost for squandering your inheritance.
Sadly potential penultimate wishes never come true like final wishes do.
Fiber optic dogs shed light on everything.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
May 2018 Lessons🎓You are dumb if you put soap in your soup so you don't ever have to wash your bowls.
The word wuss starts with a triple u.
Dull people should hire attention guards to slap people up a bit if they look like they're beginning to garner disinterest.
It's easier to jump into a leaf pile than it is to jump into a water pile, except on the moon. Up there the only thing you can jump into a pile of is, "Oh crap I jumped too high & now I'm floating off into space forever! I should’ve wore the spacesuit with Netflixxxxx…."
Don't make your banisters out of paper to save money.
Loud birds should be forced to sit in the cheap cheep seats.
You can save money on a dining room set by growing forks & spoons in your garden.
In ice marriages in death do they join.
Hey Santa, you can retire without anyone giving you any guff if you just blame some kid for asking for elf emancipation for Christmas. You can just be like, "Slav'ry & whatnot" to satisfy the adults. But the kids will be like, "My parents is broke." But of course you could tell them, "Pssh, u know I neber gabe poor kidz presints to b-gin wit."
Never ride a horse on a crowded beach because if will buck you off to go dominate at volleyball.
Spinning around doesn't mean you've gone around the world just like carrying an ice cream bar of soap doesn't make you the igloo bathroom bandit.
Don't get upset about getting a hole in your clothes, those are speed holes, they help you win gold in races. That's why all the shirts famous Jesse Owenses's wore were donated by the families of explosion victims.
On your trashman's birthday throw away helium balloons without popping them so when he opens the can he gets a big surprise.
You can have your hair cut without having a haircut, if they decide after filming that your character should be bald & CGI out your hair.
Here's a glitch that can help you win any looping race in real life. Take one step back first & then two steps forward.
You picked up the wrong doctor's note if it says, "Eat 25 fried pickle rings before surgery" unless you're getting a gastric bypass & love fried pickle rings. Or there's drugs inside the rings instead of pickles & the doctor wants to smuggle them out of you because the only way to go higher than a doctor in the drug game is to be a drug lord.
The "best" thing to use as stage tears is cobra venom because a single drop will make you cry copious amounts of authentic tears.
If your worst nightmare is forgetting what day of the week it is face your fear by getting fired. It won't matter what day of the week it is but it'll still matter what day of the month it is because them bills will be due due do do do due.
Don't change your mind about exchanging your mind in a creepy science experiment. Steam puppets don't need brains & they'll smooth out all your thinkle wrinkles.
You are weird if you sleep standing up.. on the top of a moving train.. with a gun taped into your hand.. to make sure film crews have the proper permits should they try to film an action scene up there.
You have to get out to give out.
Life is like a B movie, almost everyone in it is a bad actor & the budget is very low.
What's the worst thing about dating a big star that's really hot? It always has to be a long distance relationship.
Unlike boats, most rhinoceroses aren't educated enough to know you aren't their owner & will let you ride them for free!
No one wants their garden filled with snakes, unless they love the taste of snakes.
Plagiarism is a serious crime, unless you're plagiarizing knock knock jokes.
"Knock! Knock! Knock!"
"Ah crap they're knocking on the neighbor's door. He's not home! Quit wit ya knockin' already!"
"But he said he'd be here. I just talked to him 59 minutes ago."
"Fine, I've got a spare key let's go in & look around for ‘em."
"Oh no, what's that smell."
"A body wouldn't stink after 59 minutes & 58 seconds genius."
"So how do you know Gilgs?"
"I'm his neighbor."
"Well he's not in here, you can go home now."
"But I was coming over because I needed a place to crash."
"You know if you crash your car you can crash in heaven with Jesus &.. who's that other guy that's up there.."
"No, he's not dead yet."
"What haven't you heard the knews?"
"They found the body?"
"Well then why would you think he was ded?"
"Hey maybe the body is in Gilgs's basement!"
"I don't have the spare key to his basement."
"He keeps his basement locked? For what?"
"For mooks like you who's looking for Jimmy Hoffa's body."
"Well that make it seem more likely that the body would be down there."
"That's a fair point."
If you coat your spatula in cooking oil.. ah forgit it this lesson is dumb. I quit. "No, don't say that. It's not dumb." Gee you're right me writing this! This lesson is not dumb & none of you can convince me other wise. "It's dumb to misspell otherwise." Hey brain! I pay you to type not to think. So shadduppayouface! mmm mhm mmm mhhm!
Save time by high-fiving everyone you see before something good happens, this way you'll stockpile five credits & can comfortably retire from fiving by age 43.
Fun with language: Leon the Lion translated to Spanish is Leon el León. Sammy the Seahorse translated to Phonyiseish is Sammy wan Sammie.
Don't deathscriminate, juggle a mix of live, dead, & taxidermied squirrels.
You can't get there from here. You can get 80% of it. If you take the T from tools & make them ools that sounds funny & that's what these lessons are about, sounding funny. You know what else is funny? Borrowing quarters from clowns. You'll never guess where they keep their change! Nope, nope. I said you'll never guess! Stop guessing & go find a clown! I hear there's a sad crying clown at the cemetery holding a single black balloon for his coworker that didn't survive getting stuck in that tiny clown car. Ok, maybe don't ask THAT clown.
You're really lazy if you won't even finish reading this les
Just imagine what great ideas you could dream up if you used your imagination:
GPS ads where it gives you directions to someplace you're not going to con you into patroning an establishment.
Collapsible travel ocean, just attach to nearest beach! Fish sold separately, or can be stolen from nearest real ocean.
Tuesday, May 29, 2018
Star & Micey - Cold Hard Truth [Unofficial Music Video]🎥
Monday, May 21, 2018
Michael Reyes Standup @ Otto's Funhouse 16th Anniversary Show🎥
Monday, April 30, 2018
April 2018 Lessons🎓The more you learn, the more oak trees peek over your shoulder to cheat off your drug tests because trees are so dumb they don't know how drug tests work.
Never settle for second best. Just decide in the first place to get second best because you ain't gettin best. Probably should just shoot for 7th best if we're being real here.
If you've ever been rear ended by a cannon ball you parked too close to the pool.
Don't ever say, "Can you two just agree to disagree?" because obviously, "We already agreed to disagree, that's why we're arguing. It's an unspoken agreement."
Don't be alarmed if your sentence has a late period It's just a ty.po, you didn't get it pregnant.
Soon spring cleaning will take place in every season due to Omega Battlebot maintenance requirements. "Clean our springs every season to keep you safe from toast bats so we can eat em. Then we'll reconstitute the toasts in our bellies & poop them out covered in choice jellies."
You can buy that old factory for cheap & make lots of money if you turn it into a rust factory.
It is only cool to act a fool in a school if you are playing the fool in a play.
You have to be really fast to catch a wave because people only wave from far away.
Be the best you you can be. You set the bar for being you. So the best you you could be could be you doing absolutely nothing. Loophole!
Stand next to catering on a set with bad actors so every time the director says, "Take two..." you can gank some gooey goods.
If someone calls you a loser say, "Won one & I'm done. It was fun but I no longer wanna run. It was nice but the shoes aren't worth the price. I'm gonna hit the snooze instead of watch the news. Retire on a win & I'm a winner for life. My joy is rife. Takes one to mistake one, loser."
Being sarcastic is Great. It's not annoying AT all.
Pop the answer. Every time you answer "Yes" react as if you're saying yes to someone popping the question. Just start crying & hugging them then shakily hold your ring finger out. "You want fries with that?" "Yes!..." But when you get proposed to for real it will be suspect. "You act like that for everything are you sure you really want to get married?" "Yes!..." "Here we go again!" (Heart Wipe to black)
If you ever get lost in a big big big field just start digging cause there's bound to be a city on the other side of the earth with an airport.
At least have the bare minimum of decorum, don't scratch your belches as they come out of your mouth.
You get candles on your birthday & if you die tragically enough candles on your deathday (observed).
Don't be lazy, always finish what you st
If you ever get robbed go to the Lord in prayer & pray that that no good sucker doesn't get.. tasted because it could make the thief think, "Eww-w this sucker is yucker!" Then his pet ewe will be be like, "You talking trash about me?" & he'll be like, "No, it was eww like eww yuck." Then the Ewe will get mad & use the time machine her owner stole to kill the person that named ewes "ewes." And that person was your great great great grand..son who owned/will own a time machine too & if he dies the writer of Babe will get stumped & not finish the screenplay & that means they'll be no Babe: Pig in the City!
In the city, standing while looking through binoculars & drooling is creepy but walking while looking through binoculars & drooling isn't creepy at all.
When winter beats fall, fall makes a comeback & beats summer, then summer makes a comeback & beats spring, then spring makes a comeback & beats winter. Then oregano is like, "People eat me all year long, I'm the real champ!" Then all the seasons of the year give oregano a savage beating.
If you find a book on your shelf that you don't recognize throw it into the air & if it flies away it's actually an oversized bat hat.
If you ever get caught wearing your tin foil hat just yell, "I'm not crazy man! I'm wearing this because I just escaped from a cannibal's oven!"
Domestic flowers are not pansies (unless they're pansies). "All I need is a pot or a bed, one or the other, I don't need both."
Going outside in the rain will really make that VR stroll in the rain app come to life. And walking out into a war zone will really make that VR getting shot & falling down app come to life by making you come to death.
People with a short attention spa▯ ▯▯▯▯'▯ ▯▯▯▯ ▯hat was said in the middle of this lesson.
All animals become friends after you lock them in a close quarters cage together. Once they kill each other they're like, "Wow heaven is awesome! Thanks for helping me get here!" Animals killing each other is nature's way so all animals that commit animacide automatically go to heaven. When pickles die their spirits split in two & one goes to pickle heaven & the other goes to cucumber hell.
The boy who cried wolf made the wolf cry once the wolf heard about his reputation being sullied.
All the class's completed assignments are passed up to the teacher. Teachers get things done.
If second place is the first place loser then second to last place is first place not last place.
Saturday, March 31, 2018
March 2018 Lessons🎓The world is always changing. It's smart. It never carries anything bigger than a 20.
A smart way to say you didn't go to college during a job interview is, "I'm like Celsius's freezing point. I've got zero degrees."
You can't teach a rock how to bow but you can teach a bow how to rock.
Grenades are so patient. They only blow up at you once.
Restaurant fajitas are the best food because they burn the calories for you before you even take a bite.
To quarks & leptons all space is outer space.
If you lose track at the track you could lose at the track.
Throw surprise non-birthday parties.. at 3AM. Surprise them on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Now thatsa supra-rise!
If you replace the dirt in ostrich habitats with tramampolines hilarity will ensue.
You can't hear silence & silence can't hear you.
Northern Alaska is ultimate party central because it's the only place where the even sun stays up all night! Auooo!
Vampires need to have bloodhounds as pets. If they suck at finding blood to suck they can be sucked.
The most controlling people leave instructions in their will to boss family members around deep into dozens of unborn generations.
There are two kinds of people in this world: Antique gum collectors & pre-chewed antique gum collectors.
You are weird if the reason you sing in the shower is because you're hoping your bar of soap will pick up on it & learn how to sing so you can direct a soap opera with it as the star! Still using bar soap is weird.
Genetically engineer the ability to grow new legs with no nerves to help people pay off mob debts.
The second coolest way to save a penny is from a train at the last moment. The coolest way to save a penny is to stop someone from shooting it at a theater.
Dee ienvintoures hoo git dey leest kredet ore tee wuns hew endvint kneu wais tew ssphell wereds.
All gamblers deal with their addiction.
You gotta earn what you learn but teachers be donatin'.
The best dream is the one where you dream about sleeping because you get double the rest.
The sound of lightning tearing something asunder is a thunder blunder.
All roads lead to Rome, except Roman Avenue. "What kinda stone hula hoopla is that?" you asked without drinking refurbished camel water.
Pitchers are unsung heroes. They stop alotta people from stealin.
Your brain is next to your nose so if you get deep in thought you might drown. But the cool thing about your mind drowning is it can pretend to drown in something fun like frogurt.
Every good second comes in a group.
It's easier to fly a flag made of paper because you can fold it into a plane but make sure to install landing wheels so it won't touch the ground.
Standing down means you're not going to attack someone so being upstanding means you are always ready to go in for the kill.
If someone catches you putting bunny ears over their head say, "I wasn't doing rabbit ears. I was indicating how old you act."
If you reverse a hearse the cargo will come back to life. If you put it in neutral they'll stay dead.
Set up an open air kitchen on the streets with a generator & cook home-cooked meals to make the whole world a home. Then people will understand recycling or whatever & the earth will continue to exist for millions of.. nanoseconds.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Michael Reyes Standup @ Indianapolis City Market🎥
Monday, March 19, 2018
Michael Reyes Standup @ Otto's Funhouse, Indianapolis🎥Full 10 min Set audio
Monday, March 5, 2018
Michael Reyes Standup @ Shoefly Public House, Indianapolis🎥
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
February 2018 Lessons🎓Closet rods are a great place to hang clothes but a terrible place to hang horse thieves, unless you've got a pair of enchanted overalls that know how to ride a horse.
It's hard to tell if you're allergic to fleas or if there are just a whole lot of fleas biting you.
Leaving a breadcrumb trail with one piece of bread is more dramatic…
It sucks that only inanimate objects can collect dust. If people collected dust it would be fun & exciting all the time because the collection would always be growing.
Being seen in a Bering Strait jacket that announces your love of the Bering Strait actually makes you look crazier than wearing a straitjacket.
Pretend you win everything & outshine the real winner's enthusiasm. You'll go viral & be more famous than the winner.
It is nice to say thank you twice but once it gets to thrice you need some advice. Add an adverb so patience you won't disturb.
A bed of bread is better made of loaves than slices.
Rule #1, memorize the rules. Rule #246, Forgettabout the rules! Rule #247, ask someone, "What was the point of learning all those rules?"
Seeing spirits in heaven is scary because there'd only be ghosts in heaven if they died there.
In due course spiders will get revenge on us for sweeping up their homes by taking us to court with a really good lawyer.
You are dumb if you think a light switch is what you use to call a varying number of people of random nationality to come change & screw in a light bulb.
Puritans' archaic witch tests were severely flawed. Anyone can float after you throw them into water. The real test is if they float after you throw them into the air.
Raise your chances of being hired. Apply ointment to a sticker, apply that sticker to your resume & then apply for a job. Now you've applied for that job 3 times!
If you get bored easily it's because your interests are lame.
If you have a conversation with a drunk about race you can use the slurring of their words to claim they made racial slurs even if they didn't say anything offensive.
The only weakness you can brag about is bragging.
There were a few times people have changed the past, they were calendar makers, they renamed what the past is called, people like Gregorion & Julia.
Sadly the only turkeys allowed in fallout bunkers are the ones that have already been pardoned by the president.
Hind sight is 20/20 except for memories, that's more 20/40. But in the year 2020 all sight will be 2020!
If two people say to each other, "Stop repeating me, Stop repeating me" it will forever remain an unsolved mystery as to who was repeating whom.
For a plant, watering is giving it water, but firing is most likely that you are shooting it out of something rather than setting it aflame or wishing it good luck in its future endeavors (of staying still indoors & casting a shadow in the daytime because it's just a simple country plant).
Winning leads to acceptance speeches. Losing leads to denial speeches.
If the bowl of your soup droops you're gonna have a spill. If you're really really sick you're gonna get a pill. If you've got pie cooling on your window sill, quick LOOK OVER THERE!
You can be the perfect actor if you play a perfectionist.
Get time on your side by attaching a clock to the hip of your fanny pack.
Being late to something important is cool because it means you don't wait for the future, the future waits for you!
Sometimes turning out the lights generates more electricity than it saves.
Saturday, February 24, 2018
20 Years of PiemericaIn this set I celebrated 20 years of Piemerica with jokes that spanned those 20 years
Monday, February 19, 2018
Michael Reyes Standup @ Otto's Funhouse, Indianapolis🎥Lights of indeterminable height from my 4th standup set ever & first one recorded.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
January 2018 Lessons🎓
Lesson Mania Week 2018
If you're ever at the end of a line, it probably isn't as a period.
A gas tank doesn't have any armor.
"That" is not saying "much."
Amazingly walking into a traffic jam will leave you less sticky than walking into non-jammed traffic.
16% of positive numbers below 100 are under 17.
When someone treats you like dirt it could mean they dig you!
Trees can't juggle unless you throw them multiple chainsaws.
If you're broke the best place to keep spare ice is your wallet.
If you're broke the best place to keep spare carrots is your socks.
Keep teabags in your toilet tank to give you that 3rd world feelin'.
You never see robots having romantic moments in the rain during thunderstorms.
Fly to Chile & cook some chili with chili peppers & ice. You can call it chilly Chile chili chili.
The reason we don't hear from God much is because he's running water & that's a big job.
When someone says, "I'm slummin' it today," they probably aren't talking about feuding with their landlord.
Mr. steady can be thrilling if he's being steady on a high wire.
Rocks have a hard time & it's the whole time they exist.
Peeing your pants is usually forgiven as an accident, peeing someone else's pants is not.
Your falling apart: Your our ur r
End of Mania Week
During a flood use your contact lenses as boats for your pet ants.
Next time you say, "Generally speaking, " follow it up with your Patton impersonation.
Money has saved you plenty of times, return the favor & save it.
If you drive everywhere backwards then you're sorta driving forwards cause you mean to & you're used to it.
Guys who want to look buffer can shine their muscles to look buffereder.
If you're so poor that you have to sleep on the toilet it's ok to wet the bed.
Every obstacle course should be run in a judge robe because you'll still feel like a big shot if you foul up.
Toys aren't meant to inspire fright but can with high cost, low stock or stepping upon at night.
Creepy as it is, collecting skeletons is the most acceptable form of slave ownership.
Picture this: The smallest trees are the hardest to climb.
Bug bites by not scratching them.
In a few years clown will be its own gender.
Unlike regular lakes, glass lakes are far more dangerous when shallow.
If you put fish sticks in your aquarium an entrepreneurial fish may just use em to build its own castle. And The Big Bad Wolf™ won't be able to blow it down either. If he huffs too hard too close he may choke. And that children is why fish is healthier for you than pork.
Whether you are hiding behind a fence or in front of a fence is dependent upon where your pursuer is located.
We can put a man on the moon (like we etched that guy's face on there right?) But we can't make a dirt soup that doesn't turn into mud soup.
When old people take over the world, after all young people die from neck blood clots caused by looking down at phones all the time, all sidewalks will be converted to railroads, meaning they'll have rails on each side to help them get around.
If fear makes you scream then bravery must inspire silence. So
To lose weight clean another's plate. All you'll lick is sauce & crumbs, all the taste & none of the TUMS®. A thinner waist & smaller bum. If you stay hungry eat a plum.
You can't have an answer without a question thus a phone's ring is actually a question.
Everyday heroes do the dirty job of spilling disfiguring chemicals on strangers to create supervillains for superheroes to fight.
Masons who are bad at smashing get smashed to make up for it.
Vanity nooses are the next hot new fashion trend.
The next great despot will convert every house into a bounce house & the next sucky despot will shoot all the bouncy houses with murder guns.
It's easier to beat the toughest fighter in the world than it is to sneak attack someone while you're in a real coma.
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