|Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Excerpt from (The Joe)'s Autobiography:
The Dreaded Ankle
(The Joe) knew that if he could
ankle race that he'd be able
to peel an onion anytime he wanted. But the questions continued to
arise in his mind, "Do I want to? Do I even know what an onion is?"
Earlier that week (The Joe) started working on his new humble onion
farm. How can an onion farm be humble? I don't know. I never really got
the whole "words" thing. Anypath, (The Joe) wised up and started
growing vegetables for his people at the advice of Metacom because he
said it was all the rage in Abodrites. (The Joe) had a calm
appreciation for rage so he promptly followed Metacom's advice. (The
Joe) chose onions as the vegetable of choice because of the onion
depeelers he had passed out previously to battle ineptitude related
famine. (The Joe) thought if he named a "peeler" a "depeeler" that it
would peel in reverse and thus create onions for everyone out of
nothing. It didn't work. (The Joe) chalked up this impossibility to the
fact that the English language didn't really exist yet rather than the
fact that words and names no longer create matter.
(The Joe) was tired of only sleeping twice a week so he left his
assistant, Ciniod the Imaginary Horseshoe, to farm the onions. Metacom
tried to get (The Joe) to reconsider his decision a few days later
because Ciniod was really lazy at farming on account that he don't
exist. (The Joe) was furious at the idea and said, "This is an outrage!
Or an inrage, or satisfying, yeah that is it." Furious about his
satisfaction (The Joe) allowed Metacom's late friend Jia Fu to be the
new onion farmer. Metacom pleaded with (The Joe) that dead people
couldn't farm but (The Joe) confidently said, "He's under the ground so
he can do a better job than we can."
(The Joe)'s moronicity caused Metacom to appeal straight to the
Piemerican people who he rallied behind himself to challenge (The Joe)
to a governing contest the only way he knew how, a dreaded ankle race!
The ankle race was especially dreaded because it was so boring and
impossible to drag yourself with just your ankles. Once the Piemerican
people heard Metacom's dumb idea for the ankle race as he challenged
(The Joe) they decided that they enjoyed enjoyment, rest, &
pleasure far more than boring old 'control of our government and well
being races' and left never to be written about again. Oh, except in
this book and on the sign for the race that said "Come one, come all!"
They would be included in the all. But other than that they were never
written about again, at least not anything I've read, whoever I am.
(The Joe) was ready for the race because he was already laying in bed
and he quickly won the race by a long shot because Odicin the Real
Horseshoe shot Metacom in the ankle with a horseshoe arrow. Metacom did
not like a life altering injury anymore than he liked losing ankle
races. Metacom's wife Joy was broken hearted because she knew after
this sentence that her character would never be mentioned in (The
Joe)'s autobiography again. Joy was angry and attacked (The Joe)
because not only had her husband been horseshoe arrowed but she was
wrong about her assumption that (The Joe) wouldn't write about her
attacking him in his book. Ciniod and Odicin placed bets on who would
win the fight between Joy and (The Joe). But (The Joe) wouldn't hit a
woman he'd only edit out how much she hit him.
Links: (The Joe)'s
Piemerica Year in
Jibber Jabber 2010 Updated
* What do you have to
say about talking?
* Speak in post-egg accents
* Do matches match?
* In the summer I decided to take out the trash during the rainfall so
I took my raincoat. The result due to the heat ended in the same soaked
* You sound like you're sleeping because you aren't saying anything and
that is what you do when you are asleep.
* What is this.
This is what.
* Can you give me directions to your farm? If you don't have a farm
that is ok I just want some more corn.
* Can I tell you what I think or would that be talking and not thinking?
* Bluegrass tastes better than rock and rap. Unless the rap you are
talking about is the tortilla with food in it.
* YouTube kept the tube alive because we are going to flat screens with
* Today I am 300 months old. What will I be tomorrow? Only time will
* Here are some notes I took: ♫♪♪♫
* I heard today is a month. Do my ears tell time?
* Break the Sauce
* I like shoes because they keep me from knowing how hard the ground of
places I don't take my shoes off is.
* Masked potatoes
* Those goons! Next time I see the government I'm gonna be really
confused because how can you see an entity like that?
* What neutral color do you feel most neutral about?
* What is your fourth favorite primary color?
* Talk like a keyboard you say "Enter" at the beginning and
"Escape" at the end.
* Is this a question.
* How many fingers am I holding down?
* What is your eighth favorite day of the week?
* How old aren't you?
* Monotype instead of stereotype
* You gotta crank this down some.
Tearableness - Being terrible at tearing paper.
January 22, 2011
The 10th Anniversary of Piemerica's Lessons with 8 New Lessons!
Comedy is for losers (of seriousness contests).
If cults had denominations they'd be called diffecults.
A good way to refer to nothing is by saying "almost something."
Jerks suck especially when I call them jerks. They get all mad and act like jerks.
If you don't like Wednesday you'd be like "When's this day gonna end?"
Naval oranges are grown on boats.
Europeans suck at being from somewhere else.
The sense of humor is taste.
Here is Our First Lesson from
Don't play dead in a freshly dug