Wednesday, November 30, 2016

No.vember Lessons🎓

Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, & 50% being good at math.

If your steam powered motor device has manual backup power you can run out of steam twice.

Using a yardstick to measure campfire height causes it to become kindling.

4 has a 2 2.

There is no 5 second rule in space because nothing ever falls on the floor.

A picture is worth a 1000 words but a picture of 1000 words is worth 6000 words, because synonyms.

If you juggle trashcans do it with the lids on so the 7 dwarves won’t escape.

It's all fun & games until someone gets hurt. Then it's 8 minutes of hushed silence while someone is carried off the field. Then it's all fun & games again.

9 out of 10 dentists recommend giving into peer pressure.

Countdowns predictably always end at 1. Countups however hold the mystery & tension of potentially going on forever.

Turning it up to 11 is cool but clocks turn it up to 12 TWICE A DAY. CLOCKS ROCK!

If you run out of time you’ve run too fast

Bill collectors have due diligence.

Cash registers… and so does being broke.

Turn any ordinary kitchen table into a multiplication table by using it for conception.

A half a candle is still a candle. A half an orange is still an orange but half a ball is not a ball at all.

There are 17 ounces in a baker's fluid pound, and 201 years in a baker's bicentennial.
Additionally bakers refuse to vote until they turn 19. A boxer who is also a baker may fight 1lb about his weight class. Bakeries frame their 1st 2 dollars made, and bakers' cats have 10 lives

The number 18 is the one after 17 & waaay before 1,496.2.

If you're ever chased by 19 goats with sticks, it's probably a dream. Your aspirations are admirable.

The best favorite number is or is an anagram of 9,876,543,210.

The reason it's harder to remember things when you're older is that you have to remember your age & bigger numbers take up more space in your brain.

Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"

You are 23 times more likely to be swallowed by a whale than swallowed by a bug. #FakeMathIsFun And if you try to swallow a swallow you're gonna choke! #ChokingIsNotFun #LearnTheHeimleich #LearnHowToSpellHeimlichCorrectly

Make a list of 24 reasons you're thankful for days being 24 hours long. If it takes you 25 or more hours to complete the list, throw it away in frustration.

If your bowling ball suddenly has more than 3 holes it was abducted by aliens.

The time to visit online forums is when you've said four "ums" about a subject.

Don’t hand out cabbage coupons at the hardware store.

If you can draw a sausage that means it's still alive!

If you refuse to acknowledge leap day instead subtract 1 second from every 30 minutes of everyday for 4 years.

Scientists did in fact invent a gigantisizing ray but linguists kept it from seeing public light because they couldn't reach a consensus on what to call a gigantisized inchworm.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Oddtober III Lessons🎓

You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not being able to find good jobs in this economy.

You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs exact change for a ransom.

You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.

You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced bread was invented to sell toasters

It is weird to equate burying chicken bones to zombie chicken farming.

You are weird if you set up a neighborhood watch that neighbors can sign out if they want to wear it.

You are weird if you feed your hippo boxes of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

It is weirder to take the finger than it is to give the finger, unless you’re a sharp toothed beast that doesn’t have fingers.

You are weird if you've ever received death threats.. offline.

You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way out if you ever go under house arrest.

You are weird if you think pastrami can substitute for deodorant.

Being dressed by a team of monkeys isn’t as weird as being addressed by a team of monkeys.

You are weird if your favorite flavored floss is habanero.

You are weird if you walk your dog.. into a swimming pool full of marshmallows skewered on cacti.

You are weird if you think clouds rarely drop rain because most of the time the cloud throws it up hoping it will fly into outerspace.

You are weird if you think leaf laden areas with “No Raking” signs have catapults hidden in them.. or maybe you're onto something there.

You are weird if your two person Halloween costume is you dressed as a steaming hot bowl of edible soup & the other person as a spoon in said soup.

Watching a documentary on shelf life isn’t as weird as watching a documentary on the life of a shelf.

Taking a milk blot test is weird but crying over a milk blot test is weirder.

It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.

You are weird if you have skeletons in your closet because you're hoping to start a museum.

You are weird if you use the hands of an analog clock as a very very lazy susan for single grains of rice.

You are weird if you feed the homeless but only so you can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.

You are weird if you say you run marathons, but in reality you've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.

You are weird if you demand your pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox because it's easier to get them syrupy.

You are weird if you like to leave letters addressed to your mailman in your mailbox just so he knows you know where he lives too.

You are weird if you befriend vegans just so you can say "where's the beef?" more often.

You are weird if you say things like, "the cactus doesn't fall far from the guy who was carrying the cactus," & "Don't worry, because this will be brief, Canadian luau brief."

Overusing the word figuratively is literally weirder than overusing the word literally. "Chicken soup is figuratively my favorite food, figuratively!" "Be careful with that! You could figuratively knock your teeth out!"

You are weird if you use spider webs to create the illusion of floating confetti.

You are weird if your job is to help chickens cross roads without asking no questions.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

The darkened Reality of Real-Estate section updated

New, properly cropped, comic scans. Songs from soundtrack play on each episode's page. Full series PDF availble in original formatting.

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Comics section updated💢

Added Pages for Piemericomic, Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans, & Bitstrips

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Yule, action comic from 1997💢

In a post-apocalyptic world, Yule seeks revenge on a evil gang of biker ninjas. Created as a page a week series by Wiscers Comics in 1997.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Sundrycember III🎓

Your birthday suit is a space suit made out of space.

Don’t settle for polyester candy.

Pollution wishes it could be friends with real clouds.

If you have a mixed bag it probably wasn’t mixed by stirring.

The real reason people used to work hard all day was because their furniture sucked. People haven't become lazier we just got La-Z-Boys so we can enjoy the greater joy in life.

The left side of your brain wonders if you will ever return to find it in this lost & found.

I've got a 4 year old that used a 4 finger discount on my heart.

If red carpets became famous, it would be cruel of them to walk the red carpet.

Don’t make your islands out of toast, they will get soggy & sink.

Unlike automatic stuttering, manual stuttering is rude.

The invisible boxes that mimes are easily trapped in will open if the mime speaks.

A search party is very inconsiderate unless it is later followed by a found party.

You can’t smudge fire.

If you can’t deal it may be because of an ordeal.

The unsuccessful precursor to roller skates was toe trucks. The problem with them is that they couldn’t tow the rest of the foot

The color green appears in all the great movies from the past 50 years that is why it is allowed to be the color of money, because it is so rich from being a movie star.

It’s not advisable to verbally impersonate Frankenstein’s Monster on a phone call without prior warning.

When is something actually more than you can shake a stick at? When it is something that engulfs you.

A stone cold ice cube melts feverously.

The only thing people will cheer while dancing on a grave is a bear.

If you believe in a flat earth, maps are also globes.

Owning a moon rock is only good if you don’t get the rock as a result of the moon exploding.

Hopping in the pool is slowest & lowest form of hopping.

Halt words lead to passwords.

The title of an undertaker for a graveyard of drowning victims is an afterlifeguard.

Lesson Mania Week
No one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal reasons.

To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.

It’s a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped with Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on Playstation 4 & Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.

When you walk into a room & smell pickles but don’t see any pickles say, “Who’s been having an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”

Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.

There are no invisible shadows.

Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.

Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off so do your feet.

Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.

Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a baby’s health.

Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo you.

You may think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.

A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was on sale, especially 1999.

Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3 seconds.

When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

+=- No tastetrack in sub-mid-air (with artificial nodding)💖

A Puckett Noctobadge keeps cops from sleeping. The new homing pie finds your face when you’re hungry. Fire pauses ellipses fractals in undersky moons.

Desks & crime scissors vaccinate hollow varnish tomatoes. My disfavorite outgredient. No Noam gnomes need nacho neglect. Staleness. Can clown cars be made into mobile homes? Alphabet soup & soggy crosswords. Night knives glow in the lard & in the dark & in the Shockolate® lard. RR R&R. No sound costumes. Lips with ingrained vocal boxes aren’t room temp with whistling. Lean on water. Tear or? Tear or? Six sheathes buttering.

Walk mix level, rovering. Cardboard marching band loses tension while marching through pond & dismusically float away with no tastetrack. Open umbrella in an envelope doesn’t keep the envelope dry. Dry water far out of a wheelbarrow, in sub-mid-air, then below-air & above-air.

Owning the wrong half of the world’s Velcro with Fabrishe elbow juggling. An evening stroll through trip wire. Rowing down the window on the row boat. Your diaper vest will drown you. A pair of cawing lumber. Left finger on right hand. Right finger on left hand. No with no oh, a no oh no.

Calmerness float flop spiral general. Uninitiated mop who made ground envelopes nervous. My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it’s still loading. A face fire nudge loner-lapsed. Nomenclature barrage!! The Tearer Terror rips things up & down! He even rips sideways if you anger him by nanana looping forced texture fields. A buyer of not hovers; claws waverly bundling, not arms, not eyes.

A van of sauce crashes into spaghetti canyon. A helicopter with noodle blades crashes too. The crashing cooks it. Fire roasted tomatoes!

The sun rises over Cabbage Mtn & things begin to smell.

Freeze dried then fire wetted caramel broccoli. Artificial nodding. Cousin bird in the wrong tree. Periscope knives in 3D.
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a tongue.
3 knights in the jungle, at least they have shade.
Tremulant anti-voxel diatribe spork. The Leaping Nudge. Overalls made of long johns.

Plastallic mitten salad or am I eating without a fork?
Envelope carcass.

Putting crayons in an envelope into the summer mail to create abstract art.
I’m not banging my head but I’m falling down as if I were.
Why doesn't Roomba make a moebile mop like the ones in Fantasia?
You look like you fold capital Hs real well.

Elk running towards backwards. A 9 collar rack of pugilist scarves. A frosted bark team acknowledged druthersless microphones. Kneeling while pushing a shopping cart to curry favor & buggy curry. Owl runs in putty. Walking camera in desert make of toaster-leave-ins. Wonder peel night kelp. Cookabur floating in a bubble. Height light spanning chili operas.

Washing needles, deep pool is a portal. Water wings nosh. Buried satellite in space. Being private to ourselves. Loose leaf soap. Tinsel toothbrush. Off duty mop. Nudging wiggles. Terraformed clock.

No one in the barn, just threes here. I wish you well because bottled water is ecch! I hope you keep 5 numbers in your back pocket & none of them are 5. Carrots in the fridge as decorations. Weather stripping mall. Spell your middle initial starting with the 3rd letter. The boring bowling ball in the wind.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

New MARS Release, How long is now?🌑

Friday, September 23, 2016

Clipart Commentary IX🎥

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Animal August Lessons🎓

Which came first the chicken or the egg? They both came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.

Survival tip: Any animal who runs from you as you hold up BBQ sauce is edible.

Whale owners would have the best pools if they’d get those dumb whales out of there so we’d have room for a swim.

Lemmings would seem less dumb if they wore falcon hoods.

Clams are a terrible pillow stuffing.

Crabs shrunken by wizards don’t use pasta as shells because no one wants to live inside a wet noodle.

It is difficult to think on the fly without squishing the fly but it is still safer than thinking on the bee with no shoes.

Feather dusters are actually only meant to be used on knick knack birds.

If you teach a man to fish make sure he doesn't live in the desert.

The best place to abandon your pets is a petting zoo.

A live hornet burrito may not be the spiciest food but eating it makes your mouth hurt more than the hottest of pepperdas.

Earthworms are actually the only native Martians.

Dried snails taste great with snail sauce, improves the texture too.

People may differ regarding their opinion of scapegoats but everyone agrees that fire escape goats just get in the way & needlessly cost humanity millions of lives each night.

The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.

Ants are army, farmy, & red alarmy.

Dogs are man's best friend because dogs can't talk.

Save money on dog food by having a drone walk your dog to eat out of other dog’s bowls.

If you’re throwing a birthday party for a shark, throw it into the sea.

Stop building memorial tombstones for roadkill with fake human names & putting them into graveyards. I wreck into several dozen oversized ones each day.

Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.

If your fish dies stick a toothpick tree into his belly to create Deadfish Island.

During the next Shark Week all board games will allow shark pieces that can eat other players.

The reasons humans are the top of the food chain is because we are the only ones who can craft chains or espouse hierarchies.

A bear skin ceiling fan catches even more dust.

Bald eagles aren’t endangered, there are just a lot of them that fool us by wearing awesome toupees.

Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.

In every zoo the animals fight to the death nightly in a tournament until there is only one left. There are caged animals below the zoo that get released into the exhibits every morning to replace the old ones.

Evening lightning bugs are bugs of no storm.

Flamingos always dress as plastic flamingos for Halloween. Or do they?

To people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold poor people there are in Antartica? None! You gotta be rich to go to Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of August 14-20, 2016🏃

1. Call the medic! And tell him he has the day off.
2. Sneak into a clothing store, read the tags & wash anything that says it should be washed before worn, then return the clothing at dawn.
3. Invent sticky corn so any tube can become a corn cob. A whole new kind of corn dog! Or even a corn corndog!!
4. Create ice cream scoops from the tub for family convenience & store them in a Tupperware® brand container.
5. Convince dust that it doesn’t need to settle.
6. Untie the shoes of the friends you’re trying to set up so they both trip together & hopefully fall in love.
7. Buy Christmas decorations for 2018-2022 because those years Christmas will lose the war on Christmas & be replaced by Halloween II: The Giftening, Directors Cut Cut! Cut!!

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Julyfe Hacks Lessons🎓

To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.

Can't remember your passwords? Pay someone to remember them for you. Make sure to give them the password to your bank account too so they can pay themselves to spare you the hassle.

Dress up as a valet to get free cars.

A leopard can't change it spots but you can change a leopard spots into Wi-Fi hotspots.

Abandon your car in a no parking zone to have it towed away for free.

Leave behind cash at your crime scenes so no one is mad at you for committing crimes.

Shut up mouthy sock puppets by putting shoes on their heads.

To control portion size flip your plate over & eat out of the small rim on its underside.

Need to pop a lot of balloons after a party? Use a bed of nails.

Collect your dandruff to use as decorative snow during the holidays.

To eat less spin around in your desk chair 43 times before lunch.

Need to prop up your cell phone to watch videos? Visit a grave yard & rob a forearm. Phones fit great between the radius & the ulna.

Open your microwave after dark to use it as a night light.

Take pictures with random young black people to impress your friends by claiming you meet a lot of cool underground rappers.

Don't like how your legs look? Pour BBQ sauce into your nylons, put them on, wear them out & people will say you look "Saucy!"

Need to find where your air mattress is leaking? Fill it up with water & use a divining rod to find the leaks.

Lost your glasses? Go to one of those nerd conventions they're always having & wail on some nerds' until you find the right prescription.

Got dirty feet from walking around the house? Tip your cat over & use him as a rug. As a bonus he'll enjoy the belly rub.

Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.

Use a t-shirt canon at the laundromat to get your shirts into loads for free.

A toaster can be used as an alarm clock with a very short snooze.

At your next fiesta fill piñatas with taco ingredients & give out taco salad bowls to catch them.

Bowling balls can be used as wrecking balls for dog houses.

Find someone who has the same name as you & copy their signature. Because you’ll be forging & not forging at the same time you’ll have that sweet sweet legal ambiguity!

All soda is club soda if you hit people with the bottle.

A syrupy bowling lane increases the challenge.

Burn onion incense so others will mourn with you.

When you drop a salad it makes an awesome mountain range for small bugs. If it has that purpley lettuce thing, it makes it feel like America.

Wear mini-wheelbarrows as rings to have seasonings on the go.

If you bury your beloved dead fish in the desert your heart can pretend it lived a long life until after all of the oceans dried up. #DeathHack

Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The New Sound of Silence, Full EP Music Video by MARS🌑

Thursday, June 30 , 2016

Soon June II Lessons🎓

Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.

Soon the vegetables you refused to eat as a kid will call you from their deathbeds to thank you for allowing them to lead long, rich lives.

Soon people will not only sneak into movie theaters but also into the homes of Netflix subscribers.

Soon shadow boxing will be called Wi-Fi punching.

Soon cats will become even lazier. Instead of walking in front of us to trip us they will bat marbles towards our feet to trip us from afar.

Soon a "Why?" button will appear alongside the Google Search button to help parents answer their toddlers' questions.

Soon the lion will lay down with the lamb because the nation's zoos will become overcrowded.

Soon voice recognition software will be needlessly replaced by expensive typing drones.

Soon the criteria for a species being endangered will be if every member of the species can fit into a clown car.

Soon the Michelin Man will marry the Goodyear Blimp & she will lay balloons as eggs.

Soon humans from another dimension will visit us but because their dimension is so small, we’ll never know it.

Soon dropping the mic will extend to boom mics & thousands will die.

Soon dinosaurs will return from outer space to look for a lost set of keys.

Soon Peter Pan will take all of his peanut butter back to Neverland.

Soon some w's mill identify as m's.

Soon other seasonings will be added to the ocean & we’ll all have fish soup.

Soon armies of the world will unite against history's greatest foe, illiteracy.

Soon self-driving cars will try to also learn putting.

Soon people won't think of fries when they see McDonalds golden arches because the arches look like fries, but because they found out that the fries are made of the same material as the arches.

Soon firefighters will be overworked when cats start growing on trees.

Soon autocorrect will correct prejudice & bullying. "You mother appreciating.." "You human angel.." "You are an intelligent advocate for positive change.."

Soon cruise ships will take vacations in the desert.

Soon staples will take up yoga, causing papers to loosen free & travel back to their home world of Gazpacho Moncton.

Soon smart phones will become obsolete when super genius phones are invented.

Soon kaleidoscopes will become so popular that people will collide with each other while walking around looking into them. The impact of the collision will be so great that it will create a kaleidoscope of its own.

Soon the hole in the top of traffic cones will have free single scoop ice cream cones stored in them during winter, as God intended.

Soon heptagons will be replaced with bigons.

Soon the ghosts of tacos will haunt your bowels.

Soon zebras will be arrested for the extinction of unicorns.

Soon after the next major election, riots will become so widespread that people will be willing to loot lutes.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of June 5-11, 2016🏃

1. Make your pig's bed out of bread so it can get used to being a sandwich.
2. Secretly get copies made of everyone's keys & surprise people with a copy if they ever lose theirs.
3. Travel the planet screwing in light bulbs for all the races of the world.
4. Show up uninvited to a trial as a surprise "witness."
5. Open your neighbor's mail & put it back in their mailbox without reading it.
6. Put a treadmill in front of the ordering counter at the donut shop you own.
7. Provide public staircase reviews online by falling down every stair you come across.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Wordplay May Lessons🎓

A person who doesn't have a will & keeps all of his money under his bed has an heir mattress.

If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, let it die again.

Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president.

The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is because smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're using our phones.

Don't write a book. Books can't write back.

Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.

A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.

Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in it.

Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.

A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."

Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.

Don't get wasted but don't get used either.

Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't a lot of rope hanging around.

Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.

Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside. You've gotta choose a side!

A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.

Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the other side as a mechanic!

Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.

Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.

Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.

Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.

Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies shooting you with love arrows of their own.

Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.

If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top bunk.

The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.

X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.

Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.

Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in front of reality.

Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.

Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.

If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Clipart Commentary VIII🎥

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Astonishing April Lessons🎓

The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!

Hippos are deadly because they aren't lively.

China has more English speakers than the United States, that's why "Made in China" is never written in Chinese.

A flock of crows is known as a murder & that thing you did to that guy who stopped moving forever, that's a murder too, even though you didn't see any crows nearby.

Fingernails never stop growing. That means one day they'll be mature enough to accept you for who you are, someone who has a really itchy butt.

No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted, after that you can't tell them apart.

I is the shortest word that is typed with only the right hand.

Hundreds of cannibals die of starvation every day but then they are eaten by the other cannibals so everything works out.

11% of the world is left-handed, 89% is right-handed, 1% is ambidextrous.

All porcupines float in water, except the bald ones with holes in them.

The average Kodiak Marmoset laughs zero times a day.

The deathspan of a fruit fly is 1 moment.

A cat's purring doesn't echo in outerspace.

98% of Japanese are cremated, the other 2% are still alive.

"Hello" is a quote from 4,600+ movies.

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. Why they're just sitting in the basement is anyone's guess.

Earthworms have 5 hearts. Their Valentine's Day cards are insane.

Slugs have 4 noses & so does the average dad.

The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is considered average in America.

1 in 400 chickens is a human who was successfully hypnotized into a full species transition.

The human body is comprised of 80% water, most of which are the tears we hold back.

The cheese slice was invented in the 13th century & modeled after the sun which was then believed to be a flat square.

Just 23 bars of soap can produce enough suds to fill the entire Grand Canyon gift shop.

A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. I bet you thought they used buckets.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale. Why this hasn't been made into a video game remains a mystery.

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones. There are also more plastic ninja turtles than real ones.

There are more clocks in this world than there are hours in a day.

Vegetables grown in Alaska grow gigantic due to longer exposure to the sun. Vegetables grown on the sun are planet sized & already cooked. Yummerific!

Dogs are colorblind. That's why you never see any K9 art critics.

Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That number is expected to rise significantly next month, when flying cars become the norm.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of March 27-April 2, 2016🏃

What was your last random act of kindness?
Larry: I helped an old lady cross the road.. into a euthanasia clinic.
Brianroy: I helped a lady who's car broke down. It was the first time I'd ever seen a car cry.
Tyler: I held a door open for someone.. at 40,000 feet, there were no survivors.
Caleb: I pulled my neighbor out of a snowbank. The bank didn't even have a freezer, it was a scam!
Mainbwd: I took my wife to dinner tonight, by leading her by the hand to our dining room table for a meal of Hot Cargo Pockets.
Alex: I helped an elderly woman to her Porsche but she had misplaced her keys so I hotwired it for her & everything.
airbrush: I gave a bum money today. That a-hole didn't give a crap.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Motivationalish March Lessons🎓

Rome wasn't built in a day, but Lego Rome.. it's worth a shot!

People who believe "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" have already fell for something stupid.

Be yourself so if you become famous you can make twice as much money by moonlighting as an impersonator of yourself.

What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a pointless waste of time.

It takes just as much brain power to spell the word sasquatch as it does to know sasquatches don't exist.

It's not the highest number you can count to that matters but the highest number you can count on.

It is not the hardest working ant that is remembered but the one that mysteriously bursts into flames.

In an argument "always" always never means always.

Throw some curvy lines into the wind to pretend to live in a drawing.

Frequently typing "lol" is the cure for hypochondria.

Tomorrow never begins or ends.

The night daylight saving time begins is the ideal night to break your "latest I've ever stayed up" record.

Even the shiniest toast was once a glitterless piece of bread.

Authors abbreviate their names to save ink in their books so they make more money from each copy.

Put boxing gloves on a gorillas hands & feet to invent the hilarious new quadraboxing.

All e's are relative e's. That's why they look so much alike.

The best day to be covertly envious is Street Patrick's Day.

Tragedy strikes because if it didn't knock down all the pins it wouldn't be a tragedy.

Mysteries are more interesting that facteries.

Collecting snow globes as you travel sure beats collecting regular globes.

If you are invited to participate in a "dramatic robbery reenactment" don't do it. It's gonna be a real robbery.

All alien abductions are hoaxes perpetrated by short, green, big headed rapists from another planet.

Aging is genetic. If you don't believe me, talk to your parents tomorrow.

You can be most successful at fly fishing if you use a net made of double sided tape.

In ye olden days finding your lost phone was easy. You just followed the cord from the jack to the phone.

If you don't drown your sorrows they'll eventually commit suicide anyway.

You can speak to someone from the past by texting them because every text message received was typed in the past but what is said with the voice occurs in the present.

The world record for most tetanus shots taken in a fortnight is still up for grabs. #goals

One of the coolest things about bakeries is that the donut ponchos are free.

Some like to give homeless people money. Others like to give money a home.

Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything.. except getting others to believe in you. You probably won't be able to reverse reincarnate either or teach a koala to make you a decent boiled salad.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Frightful February Lessons🎓

The scary thing about waking up late is that you may sleep long enough to see the credits to your dream.

Phantom limbs are even scarier when they wear masks.

The scary thing about forearms is they are the only body part that are clearly labeled as to what they are for.

The scary thing about your eyes is they can see you but you can never see them.

The scary thing about trees is if you try to kill them they grow back & out live you.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you. The only thought anyone ever has about you is, "What do they think of me?"

The scary thing about pharaohs is that the first 14 pyramids were made out of ice cubes.

The scary thing about toast is if you burn it, it will get its revenge by ruining your breakfast.

The scary thing about fingers is it only takes one to blow up the whole world.

The scary thing about bending over in space is that it could send you into a tailspin.

The scary thing about caves is that one is probably below you right now!

The scary thing about distractions is that they make it so this joke isn't written very well.

The scary thing about blueberries is they are so sad they want you to eat them.

The scary thing about commas is that they bring everything to a halt.

The scary thing about stars is that they are cheating on their solar systems while shining upon us & once their planets find out about this we're in big trouble.

Crocodile tears are scary, especially considering most tears are snail tears.

Memories are scary because they keep track of everything you do.

The scary thing about peaches is when they get sad everyone thinks they are still just peachy.

Bank vaults increase the number of home break-ins by being so secure.

The scary thing about your brain is that it makes a backup copy into a turnip anytime you confuse radishes with turnips.

The scary thing about hamburgers is that you can get them anywhere, except the places that need them the most.

The scary thing about standing still for a long time is that a line may form behind you & you may have to lead them to greatness.

The scary thing about steaks is that when the steaks are high you know they've been pumped with GMOs.

The scary thing about atoms is that they hid in plain sight for 1,000s of years.
The scary thing about walls when a building collapses is they expect us to return the favor for leaning on them by "leaning" on us.

The scary thing about dinosaurs is that they actually went extinct by bullying because all the other animals called them big boned.

Jet powered gloves give the scariest high fives.

The skeleton key to stopping bullying is to give your kid an intimidating name. No one would dare bully in a school full of kids named Thanos Norris & Rhonda Xena.

The scary thing about onions is when you hack them to bits, they make you cry, even if you didn't know them very well.

The scary thing about ghosts is that there is no solid evidence that they exist.. unless this is the afterlife & we are all the ghosts of golems.

Finding a spider in the blankets is scary but finding a blanket in the spiders is a whole nuther kind o disturbing.

The scariest floors are transicerink.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Zora Nixine Reyes

Born February 21st, weighing in at 5 1/2 lbs, she is the 2nd natural born Piemerican, born just 3 days before Piemerica's 18th anniversary.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of February 14-20, 2016🏃

1. Pick up someone's bill without then putting it down & laughing at them for having to pay it.
2. Hire an understudy to take your place when you leave your family to become a fossil model.
3. Catch a tiger by its toe & manicure, manicure faster than you've ever manicured before!
4. Stop trying to "give the sun a day off" by lighting yourself on fire. It's not helping anyone.
5. pRuuf wreid htis centense four m.e
6. Freeze tag people who look really tired.
7. March right up to your boss's office & tell him, "I'm starting a parade for great bosses. Do you want to come see it? If you're too busy I'm having someone tape it & I can send you a link to the video later."

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of February 7-13, 2016🏃

1. Become a nutritionist for cannibals then quit just before discovering the terrible secret that cannibalism is the healthiest diet of all time.
2. Tip your waitress twice, first as you're leaving the restaurant, then as she's leaving the restaurant.
3. Finally record & release your jazz mime album, or just release a square photo of you dressed as a mime. No one will know the difference.
4. Replace your roommate's peanuts with packing peanuts to let him know it's time to move out!
5. Accost a bank teller & volunteer to clean some coins with your ultra-realistic water gun.
6. Treat yo self, to a garden snake salad.
7. Train to become a juggler in case an octomom has to throw you four of her babies to go save her other four babies.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

MARS Website Updated

Unique background art added to each page. Layout width increased. Created a More page.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Piemerica the Website, 14 Years Online!

We must hold some kind of world record for our ratio of unpopularity to plethoric size, longevity, & update frequency.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

90s Clipart Commentary🎥

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 31-February 6, 2016🏃

1. Teach otters the value of a dollar by feeding them money & giving them savage beatings until they cough up the cash.
2. Hire snails to seal envelopes.
3. Have a funeral for a dead mobile phone battery, recharge it, then throw a resurrection party.
4. Feed a biscuit a sausage to delight whoever eventually eats the biscuit.
5. Give a lifetime's supply of helium balloons to someone who already has a high pitched voice so they can talk to their dog in secret.
6. Curate push broom statistics.
7. Chop down all the trees in your neighborhood to prevent potential tornado damage caused by branch avalanches & squirrel hurls.

Jubilant January Lessons🎓

The great thing about sleeping through midnight on New Year's Day is that when you wake up, you know you've successfully slept all year long.

The great thing about losing a limb is that you get a phantom limb to replace it & a phantom limb sounds cooler than a regular limb.

Giving yourself a pat on the back is hard work. The reason you do it is because you've worked hard. So pat yourself on the forearm instead, it's easier.

Eyes make everything easier, especially getting poked in the eye.

Nature would love it if we burned down all the trees! I'm referring to Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the trees!"

It is fun for people to have thinks about you in their thoughter.

The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception of cube.

Toast is great because you can use it for stubble simulations.

The great thing about hands is that they double as egg holders, if you have some eggs handy.

The great thing about having big hands is that you can pick up more debris per bendover.

The great thing about not having big muscles is that you can be a better spelunker, more easily fitting through tight cave crevices .

The great thing about being distracted easily is that someday you'll make one special robber very very happy.

Blueberries aren't blue on the inside because they've had good lives.

"This is," I wrote, hoping to be humorous, "the great thing about commas."

The great thing about Darth Vader appearing on products is that it lets you know which ones to avoid. Someone from the dark side would only endorse low quality items that ruin your day.

If lack of snacks has you weeping openly, tears are great for satisfying your salty cravings!

One great thing about having a memory is when it remembers the end of a joke…

A peach is great because it's a fuzzy food that isn't rotten.

Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.

Brains are great because they can read this.

The great thing about some pawn shops is that they'll let you hock a hamhock.

The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.

A restaurant that delivers steak can drive a steak into your heart.

The great thing about atoms is that you can see them & not see them at the same time

The great thing about walls is that they can't talk!

The great thing about dinosaurs is that they can't make you fat.

The great thing about gloves is that you can give them the finger, in every sense.

The great thing about tourniquets is that no one has been named Tourniquet.. yet.

The great thing about finding poop on the floor is that it raises your heart rate.

Onions are great because you can throw them at lousy stage actors who failed to cry during a show to make them cry for real.

The great thing about ghosts is that they will never harm us. The only reason ghosts exist on earth is because they were too lazy to float to heaven.

January Think About It Thursdays

Hearing is like a mirror if you can hear them they can hear you right? Is that why people yell at movies?

Does LoL stand for soccer?

What is this "ios" I keep hearing about? Is it the cool new way of saying Cheerios?

I empathize with me. That makes me a good person right?

January Friday's Feelings

I feel rougher than transcription of a dog conversation.

I feel like a box of crayons that melted from natural causes.

I feel like the star that whispers about hamburger cooking safety in sentient cows ears.

I feel like hearing bread testimonies about transtoasting.

I feel like lephrchons smoothed out an elephants skin so they could use it as a 3D water slide.

January Survey Saturdays

If you could rate your mood on a scale of 1-7 leaving out 4-6 what would it be?

Who has the most film in their back pockets:
▱ Caged bears.
▣ Solid harmonicas.
⧉ Beans with wishes.

Which superhero has the best toupee?
◪ Superman
▥ Wolverine
⊡ Aquaman
⎔ Shaft
❑ Punk rock Green Lantern

Fight Promos/Pro-Wrestling Promos (January 'ot 16 Vines)🎥

Saturday, January 30, 2016

New Lyrics

I've got my Eyes on the Parting Gift, Isn't everything a waste in a wasteland?, I am Above Tomorrow

Friday, January 29, 2016

New Bitstrips

Sunday-Monday, January 24-25, 2016

New Bitstrips

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 24-30, 2016🏃

1. Next time you're in line at the grocery haggle down the price for the person in front of you.
2. R̲o̲a̲m̲ around with free Caesar salads.
3. Label friends' underwear.. with name brand labels. (Doesn't have to be your friends, just somebody's friends).
4. Come up with break up lines for inanimate objects in case people begin to embrace ianimateobjextuality. “Look knife this relationship just isn’t cutting it for me.”
5. Break a habitual hitchhiker's thumb, because a thumb in a cast stands out more.
6. Try to found the Royal American Society for Lazy People then be too lazy to do it so society appreciates the true value of lazy people, that of not founding pointless organizations.
7. Shovel your neighbor's driveway this winter, so they can put a pool in it this summer.

Friday, January 22, 2016

15th Anniversary of Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day🎓

In those 15 years there have been 2,272 lessons. Today is our 512th consecutive day with a new lesson. Lesson section now has a new font & background (1st time the background has changed since 2002). My pick for greatest lesson of all time (for laughs & personal reasons):
If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

New Bitstrips

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Misc January 'ot 16 Piemerica Vines🎥

Monday, January 18, 2016

Index Updated

Page load time, code, & images optimized, new system used for video embeds, smaller audio player implemented

New Lingo

Nitpigging - Being excessively critical & enjoying it, Pigging out on nitpicking

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Lamp Head🎥

Friday, January 15, 2016

What hasn't already been said about.. Iron Man 2🎥

Monday, January 11, 2016

30 year old man talks to himself in different voices about his failed internet show [Bonus from Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? Christmas Adam Special]🎥

90s Clipart Commentary🎥

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Hobby Lobby & a Fourth Word🎥

Top 3s page redesigned

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

New Lyrics

Bye bye to The Haunters, Which smile do I want?

Monday, January 4, 2016

Backgrounds & icons added to Enornal Fornitude section

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Top 30 Lessons of 2015🎓 (as Chosen by Emperor MAR)

30. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
29. You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish hook.
28. A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very very VERY hungry.
27. If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a vegetable is not a good thing.
26. It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
25. Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their wings as hotwings.
24. The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for solodanas.
23. Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
22. You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever assumes you are talking about politics.
21. You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.
20. All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.
19. You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive & you aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.
18. You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.
17. In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
16. You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you could realistically aspire to.
15. The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.
14. Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by lonely mutes.
13. There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for example.
12. If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.
11. You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans & cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.
10. A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard enough.
9. You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.
8. Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into becoming PBsexuals.
7. Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up, & sometimes it's over easy.
6. You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except for yourself!
5. You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have more fun as ghosts.
4. You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get with one another.
3. You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always win by default.
2. Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat" as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.
1. You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.

Top 20 Lessons of 2014 (as Chosen by Emperor MAR)🎓

Quick Episode Guide for Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? Christmas Adam Special

Mr. Piemerica Font now used in Journals Section

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Dumbcember .091 Lessons🎓

12/1/15 [Vine Video]
You are dumb if you spray tan exclusively with buttery garlic sauce.

12/2/15 [Vine Video]
You are dumb if you think tickets to football games only cost 4 quarters.

12/3/15 [Vine Video]
You are dumb if you keep a giant soup pot strapped to your back to intimidate vegetables.

12/4/15 [Vine Video]
You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.

You are dumb if you've ever tried to wipe up a spill using a bone.

You are dumb if you buy six barrels of monkeys to have the funnest party ever.. & you let the monkeys out of the barrels.

You are dumb if you're writing a musical about the joys of silence.

You are dumb if you think sleepwalking is when you put a leash & collar on a sleeping person & drag them around the neighborhood.

You are dumb if you think escalators are stairs that got scared of people stepping on them so they tried to run away.

You are dumb if you cut off your hand so you could get five finger discounts.

You are dumb if when you can't get a song out of your head you reach for a drill.

You are dumb if you think you have to get a liquor license before you can drink.

You are dumb if you train crickets to play cricket when you should have been training them for the Olympic long jump.

You are dumb if you put hot sauce in the freezer to cool it off but smart if you put hot sauce in the freezer to create hot ice.

12/15/15 [Vine Video]
You are dumb if you refuse to become a drummer out of fear of being caught by a snare drum.

You are dumb if you decided to be a cactus hugger instead of a tree hugger.

You are dumb if you think robbing a bank is rubbing a bank using a guy named Rob.

You are dumb if you think bombs spell trouble.

You are dumb if you monitor your flatulence by keeping a live canary in your pants.

You are dumb if you risk your life renaming cheeses.

You are dumb if you think it is perfect weather for a skeleton.

You are dumb if you carry your blanky with you while you fight fires.

You are dumb if you think the space key on your keyboard is some kind of awesome futuristic key that has something to do with outer space.

You are dumb if you're going to give someone an authentic puma claw backscratcher.

You are dumb if you use loose cranberry sauce as a stocking stuffer.

You are dumb if you think not having a musical bone in your body means you have all your marrow.

You are dumb if you wear camouflage to assassinate trees.

You are dumb if you think pacifist means, "violent person" because it sounds like "pass a fist."

You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.

You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have more fun as ghosts.

You are dumb if you think the present is an illusion fabricated by the past & paid for by the future.

Dumbcember .091 Lesson Vines🎥

Top 9 Lessons of 2015 (based on Facebook & Vine likes)🎓

2015 was the first year in Piemerican history to have a lesson every single day from January 1-December 31st! Not only that it was the 1st year Piemerica had an update of any sort for a full calendar year.

December Think About It Thursdays

Is your diet always ready for unexpected boat rides?

Would you eat dogfish or peoplefish?

Does your middle name get jealous of your first name?

Hey, what's shakin'?
Yo, what's cherrylimeaidin?
Hey, what's bottledwaterin'?
Yo, what's liptonbriskicedtean'?

December Friday's Feelings

I feel more mild than an off brand salsa.

I feel like a toast that's been on a wheat grain slide that ends in a vat of almost completely jelled gelatin.

I feel better than a sea horse in a race against a real horse.

I feel like a Eskimo child weeping over a whale carcass.

Reading Panel added to Lyrics & Poems section

Lyrics added to site

Maps of this man, Who's Ill?, Everything Dies with Lies, Levels, We are.. In the longest night, One more not asked for, Dear

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

New Comedy Quotes Collection, Enornal Thirtiford

1. Some say talking to me is like pulling teeth. They're right. It should only be done by professionals.
2. I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing for you, so you can see the humor in the situation.
3. I couldn't see a thing.. unless black is a thing.

4. I'd only date you if I were an archaeologist & you were bones.
5. You're all so young. I've got antiques older than you.
6. I see you have an iPod. When you've misplaced your earbuds do you ever set it to vibrate to experience the songs?
7. I saw your video. I have that same remote! The ransom is set at 5 Gs.

8. The answer in short is yes, in slightly less short is yeah, & in medium is indeed.
9. I like that you use verbs. I can understand you that way.
10. I am expressing my appreciation in this sentence, this sentence right here, the one you are reading now because you can only read now.
11. I knew you'd understand.. after you indicated that you concurred.

12. Y'know... If I had a fridge for every color in the alphabet I don't know what I'd have.
13. People think it is silly when I say, "Back in my day.." yet they have no problem asking "How was your day?" You're the reason I think I had a day!
14. I suggest you call The Police or maybe just Sting..

15. Usually fingers don't fing but when they do ohohoh nelly, you better have a full size cabbage in your back pocket!
16. That's what they call in the window business a window.
17. My daughter Melody is so smart all of her teeth are wisdom teeth.

18. I……
….have a lot of extra dots. Do you want some?………
19. I'm an expert in uninary. It's easy, it's just zeros.
20. beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans
Sorry, looks like I spilled the beans.
21. |up|
22. That is truly one of the finest ideas ever put to #FFFFFF.
23. I don't go to bed before sun sun sun.
24. Plays, I write plays. I just wrote two plays & finished a third one.
Here comes a fourth one.... "plays"

25. My memory is so good I unscrewed my head.
26. I hold the world record for most hands. I have a whopping two. But the record is a 7 billion way tie. :'(
27. I place $1,000 dollar orders all the time. I'm like "hey you, give me a thousand dollars!"
28. I don't know Spanish but since I'm half Hispanic I figure I don't need to know it until I'm middle-aged.
29. I can read almost any language. I just don't know what the words mean or how to pronounce them properly.
30. I can't afford dark chocolate so I just eat regular chocolate with the lights off.
31. I'm no expert when it comes to communication. I don't even know what a pert is, so there's no way I coulda been one.
32. I always wanted to talk to a block of ice, that's why I do it regularly.
33. I live by the motto:Don't make up a motto to live by because you'll box yourself in.
34. I graduated high school when I was 17 because I was smart.. enough to be born at the right time of the year.
35. I know more about camels than jars of nails do but you don't see me bragging about it more than once.
36. To say next to the least.. I'm fearless because I don't take up new fears.
37. I'm some about using subtle word differences. If I were all about it that would be peculiar.
38. I’m good at keeping secrets. It's getting secrets I have the problem doing…
39. I love cracking seriousness with jokes.
40. Roman wants answers from Wyatt? That's like asking me for a good comparative analogy.
41. I am older than most peaches at the grocery. At least I hope so.
42. I'm so old I've got grandkids.. of my parents, otherwise known as my kids.
43. I'm older than the oldest person you know by at least 3 days. If the oldest person you know disagrees with me I will fight them!
44. I'm out of.

Table Background art added to MARS albums from 2003

MARS website navigation also future proofed

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

New MARS EP, The New Sound of Silence

Monday, December 28, 2015

Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? Section Improved

Section redesigned with Mr. Piemerica font, new high res versions of many comics, thumbnails added to comics page, Scripts & More page updated, Soundtracks page now has streaming music & a new playlist for the Christmas Adam Special, Character collages added to Characters page, other misc changes

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Clickarsby to Download as TTF
A font from my handwriting. Due to the personal nature of it I'm now using it in the..

New Design for Lyrics & Poems Pages

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? Christmas Adam Special🎥

After 6 years the fourth episode is finally here for all humanity & doganity to ignore!

Tuesday, December 22, 2016

Misc December 'ot 15 Piemerica Vines🎥

Monday, December 21, 2015

House Redesigns

This page & Index II have had strokes added to text, links rearranged, & the top of page ticker has been redesigned.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Survey Saturday

Have you read any words today (other than these)?

Friday, December 18, 2015

Clipart Commentary V🎥

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Enornal Thirtiford related Vines🎥

Fornitude Flotsams: Enornal Thirtiford

I'm like an American Hero because I use the bathroom just like they do. & I'm like a genius! Because like all geniuses I've never tasted the minor planet Aakashshah.

I picked up a magazine about "100 people who changed the world." To my disappointment it was mostly gardeners.

Tell your grandkids to tell their grandkids to expect the package in 6-8 lifetimes.

I don't have a musical bone in my body. Yeah, I have all my marrow.

I resist a rest when I'm not tired.

I am out of my mind because my mind is in me.

If only bears were as confident as you, we'd all be dead. Good thing bears are still self-loathing. That is why they sleep so much.

Cats taught me everything I know, except "what aren't cats like?" Well I guess they did teach me that inversely.

My me loves that!

I don't read Spanish, though I speak it perfectly. I'm semi-bi-illiterate.

You cloud wearing, egg thumping, Charminavores!

[You are my laugh track.]

So the point of these new smart watches is now when you have to put down your phone to hug someone you can keep your addiction going by looking at the watch behind their back? If not that is a good marketing idea. You can hug while discretely reading this very post.

I think cows & pigs & chickens are ruining the planet by being so tasty & thus making us fat. They evolved tastiness so they could survive by us breeding them because they didn't much fancy being hugged like dogs & cats do. It is actually meat eaters that have prevented these animals from going extinct.

Having living animals in your pie is the healthiest way to eat because the sport of it lends vigorous exercise. If you have gorilla pie with living gorilla in it make sure he has a less than 3 day life expectancy or else he'll be too strong for all humans.

You look like you could fit in my hat.

vanity bucket

My ghost is my spirit animal.

I put it away for danger keeping.

What a coincidence! It's New Years day & my first band was named New & I live in years!

Who's the nicest person you've ever.. kicked in the family jewels?
Mine was the first pope, then he made a whole rule about popes & priests & nuns not having kids to cover his embarrassment. I did it because he wouldn't let me wear his pope hat. I don't take nope from a pope.

I don't think I know everything but I do think I know a decent bit about things I care to know. Knowing everything is boring. Knowing something is what's awesome.

Once & a half

I'm from the corner of here & now.

The twist ending is love.

+=- Just in time for now!

MAR:  My therapist says, "I'll be your therapist if you pay me."
MD:  Don't they all?
MAR:  Not the French ones. They speak French.

I’m good at keeping secrets. It's getting secrets I have the problem doing...

When you're reincarnated you can be a dead cat & a living man at the same time. And I unoffensively use the word "man" in the way woodland creatures would use the term while be threatened by deforestation.

Frozen Ghost

I saw your video. I have that same remote! The ransom is set at 5 Gs.

Double Mono

That's what they call in the window business a window.

Unfolded Folder

Opposites matter:
Breaking into someone's house.
Breaking out of someone's house.

Gouda tastes go….. swell.

Live from New York City, Pennsylvania

I have feelings in my appropriate innards.

Nature would love it if we burned down these trees. I'm referring to Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the trees!"
When I was a kid we didn't have windows, we could only stare outside by looking under the crack of the door.

YouNow is a video auction site where you can bid on things in people's houses.

I'm just gonna go outside & watch the real star wars. Sucka stars don't ever do anything unless comets are flyin'.

I only use wicker spoons.

1st New Piemerican in 7 years, Jessica Kennedy

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Kung Food🎥

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

What hasn't already been said about.. Iron Man🎥

Monday, November 30, 2015

No, No Normalvember Lessons🎓

You are normal if you prefer luxury cruises to luxury colonoscopies.

Sporting a comb-over in a cancer ward, that's a no no.

Let us not use sub sandwich bazookas for evil.

You are normal if you don't like getting apples from a shady person but don't mind getting apples from a shady tree.

Dancing without a helmet, that's a no no.

Let us not reverse the gravity of the oceans to create a global bidet.

You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive & you aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.

Donating your blood to a soup kitchen, that's a no no.

Let us not serve cucumber oatmeal to invading aliens.

You are normal if you can enjoy a ham & cheese sandwich but you have trouble finding positive the aspects of ham & cheese soda.

Verbally taking a vow of silence, that's a no no.

Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat" as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.

You are normal if you like syrup on your pancakes but you don't like syrup in your socks.. unless there are pancakes in your socks too.

Wearing a bowtie to a funeral, that's a no no.

Let us not cuddle a half dozen bound pigeons instead of using a pillow.

You are normal if you like receiving free prizes but don't like receiving free savage beatings.

Bringing "Get Well Soon" balloons to the hospital room of a family member of a victim of the Hindenburg disaster, that's a no no.

Let us not cry over spilt milk. May we instead mourn with that spilt milk.

You are normal if you prefer cashing your checks to checking your cash.

Painting someone's portrait, that's a no no.

Let us not use floppy disks as nerdy coasters.

You are normal if you dislike birds pooping on your car but birds are still your first choice to do it.

Shaving in line at a buffet, that's a no no.

Let us not get life insurance for our earthworms.

You are normal if on death row you don't want your last meal to be fast food.

Serving hot dogs at a puppy's funeral, that's a no no.

Let us not skip lunch if that lunch is a tuna sandwich. The bread will get too soggy to skip & the fish will find it offensive.

You are normal if you don’t like bad movie remakes & you don't like any fruit remakes.

Firing a gun.. in front of his family.. days before retirement, that's a no no.

Let us not bludgeon owls because they keep asking us the same question over & over.

November Think About It Thursdays👆

Have you ever wanted to catch fish just so you can punt them?

Is it disturbing to mail a letter to an envelope?

Which 9 syllable word are you most thankful for?

November Friday's Feelings💕

I'm more ready for seconds than a shark eating fish sticks.

It's the Bermuda Septagon I'm worried about.

I feel like a billionaire who had to leave his platform shoes behind to run away from gigantic amebas.

I feel like a garden of children planted like carrots into the ground because their parents thought it would help them grow faster.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

90s Clipart Commentary III🎥

Survey Saturday

Tuesday-Wednesday, November 24-25, 2015

Sensory Experiments🎥

Sunday, November 22, 2015

90s Clipart Commentary II🎥

Saturday, November 21, 2016

The 1st Survey Saturdays

On a scale of -5 to 0 how would you rate your satisfaction with being literate?

Who told you about our ivory black liquorice?
▢ A friend
▢ An enemy
☑ An enemy that thinks he/she is a friend
▢ What? Nobody ever tells me anything! They say I overreact & get pouty. Hmph!
◪ I'm color blind to white & black . Instead I see eggshell & charcoal. But not like you think. I see white as charcoal & black as eggshell. Oh & sometimes I mistake lime green for lemon lime green. And needless to say, oranges taste red to me.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Mid-90s Clipart Commentary🎥

COMEDIC Collections:

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Jump to: November, December

MARS Up-tempo Music Sampler

Every Second Worry Impowers Fits 1:08
Those of us on the ledge in the wind. 2:29
Don't Hush Now :30
The night the fire gave no light. :54
Amidst rope 1:18
Ages in Bloom :29
Nothing is Similar :48
Shining darkness...... :56
Spreading out a quilt on grass that looks like a quilt :48
Style us 2:17
Holes made of glass 1:00
Life Shell :23
Dizzy Bay 1:28
At first I thought it was my mind... 1:14
dr. stoop pays his lite bill 2:04
Still Not Today :17
Safari Rhino Tracks :56
Those of us who say "We..." 4:51
Those of us with our head in the sea. 2:22
Desert Saw Name Window 1:25
Stars on a Clothes Line :28
The Ship Leaks from Above 1:03
Time Traveller :56
Master Working :43
I've both fostered sake nealing seat 1:05
Dedicated harnesses waiting for crumbs. :43
Towers again. 1:03
I have no identity so how can this be a crisis? 1:20
Tagline :51
Holld :58
EveryThing was Personally hand Washed by me 1:35
Sickle of fire...Loudest Silence, :51
HAUT 1:17
Rock drick garden 1:08
Fogless Sight 1:08
Text-tile :25
Label + (Hold) :40
Incompliable :40
Today or something like it 1:14
when is the fortuen made to rivers? 1:17
It started today 1:08
aspiring stoop exited a hole in the veranda's mind 2:01
Far too late in the early morning. :29
Expelious Sea 1:50
I run the mill like a hamster at its wheel. :30
You are not trapped 1:42
Eyce :59
It was Ok. 1:23
Ponector Kin :41
:Oyas todo nias phel elpi doh yahnah tais: 1:52
The MARk :27
Volts into you :45
Dairy Harvest 1:42
Buying Buying Bears 1:18
One Color Rainbow 1:18
Sound without Effect 2:14
Remake :32
Best of II :55

MARS Relaxing Music Sampler

The Real Iceberg 4:31
inq. :45
Those of us on the curb watching traffic. 2:51
Greatest Sequels II 2:13
Don't Hush Now :30
new dew 2:26
I'm Tired of Whispering AND Shouting 1:17
Has-been Run has been run 4:17
Prime Flower 2:41
Mind Without Affect 1:22
& the bubble took the rain dog :55
I Caught You Throwing 3:03
Fiveground 1:13
I Blew Blue 1:04
The Living Water Surface 1:00
Wet Chain Link 2:30
Messiah Waits 1:08
Mister Wonderful 3:45
vlain :49
Im sent on lot 2:22
keet-vlot 3:36
Affection stand contribution upon raise touch 1:45
My sky is tight. 1:18
Sake hardened. 1:39
Ninja O' Meter (Brain) :56
Pressure Load Caterer (feet) 1:49
If it was anywhere but here... 2:20
Softly witnessed tributaries 1:14
What we have in store for you. 1:13
No Key available. 2:06
Froj 1:32
Pen lock a cord. :51
Plow Seige People :57
Traded Society for Technology 1:21
Answer Kidge :47
Leasing any lacer 1:27
Chances no longer exist 2:05
!question of intelliline? 3:09
pineapple shotting reel in your mirror 1:37
The moon is a crust of letters 1:25
is/t that it/s? :56
I was looking through the window 1:57
Mathetactics 1:32
Play in the field until nightfall 2:01
Am I here? Am I here too soon? 1:15
re-fad :43
Today & The Years Gone Bye 2:52
off tin :33
Have you ever seen a longer longer? 2:05
Sliding Moderation 1:14
Shew Shadow :42
Fickle Illusion 1:02
A building lake 1:11
Candle whipped battle axe 1:28
Satellites Zooming In 1:11
Settlers camping in noman's land 1:58
grow wind. grow 1:45
ccxol 2:20
ond & offd 1:41
More Sound Without Effect 2:55
egdrib 1:43
Return 1:57
depositCE 1:14
Catching Up in Perfection 2:00
Greatest Sequels 1:28
None the Same 2:50
The Advent of Thunder 3:39

MARS Epics

Episodes of Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?

Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?
Food Dood Christmas Adam Special

Piemerican Magazine Issues

Video Games


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Melody's Down Home Southern Baby Shower
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The Big Onion
My Dad's 62nd Birthday at Work & More
My Dad's 62nd Birthday at Work & More
Water Cube
Water Cube
Horsefeathers & Applesauce!
Horsefeathers & Applesauce!
Cordova Snow Fun
Cordova Snow Fun
Photos 2011
Photos 2011
Games New Years Play
New Years Play
The Love Fell Like Leaves
The Love Fell Like Leaves
Photos of Swingn' Lovers!
Photos of Swingn' Lovers!
Photos 2010
Photos 2010
Meadow View Charms
Meadow View Charms
Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Robert Randolph
Saying it without a Thousand Words
Saying it without 1,000 Words
What My Chick & I Saw
What My Chick & I Saw
Some Things Afoot
Some Things Afoot
Golfulating IX- Disc Golfulating
Golfulating IX Disc Golfulating
Golfulating VIII
Golfulating VIII
The Battle for #4
The Battle for #4
Snow Show
Snow Show
Photos 2009
Photos 2009
I saw the light.
I saw the light.
Star & Micey Live at Otherlands, Memphis, TN
Star & Micey w/ Emperor MAR at Otherlands
Henderson's Waiting
Henderson's Waiting
Trapped in a Produce Bag
Trapped in a Produce Bag
Before Photoshop
Before Photoshop
May Day
May Day
Piemerica 10th Anniversary Sadebration
Piemerica 10th Anniversary Sadebration
The Years Gone By
The Years Gone By
Moving On
Moving On
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Lake Ship
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Lamp Head
Photos 2008
Photos 2008
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Metal Morrow
Star & Micey Live at American Apparel, Memphis, TN
Star & Micey at American Apparel

Photos 2007
Photos 2007
Christmas Ape Goes to the Moon
Christmas Ape Goes to the Moon
Warm Shower
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Lesson Mania!
Lesson Mania!
Star & Micey Mid
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ED Wed
The Watcher
The Watcher
P. E.
Mi Familia
Mi Familia
Muddy Waters
Muddy Waters
Playing A Ground
Playing A Ground
Tae Kwon Dumb
Tae Kwon Dumb
Michael & Lori The Wedding
Michael & Lori The Wedding
Corey & Chantelle The Wedding
Corey & Chantelle
The Wedding
Earning Stripes
Earning Stripes
Photos 2006
Photos 2006
Homes & Hearts
Homes & Hearts
No Parking
No Parking
Sticks & Stones
Sticks & Stones
The Bookster
The Bookster
Trampoline Terror
Trampoline Terror
Golfulating VII
Golfulating VII
Wonder & Time
Wonder & Time
Golfulating VI
Golfulating VI
Glen Phillips Newby's, Memphis, TN
Glen Phillips
at Newby's,
Memphis, TN
Working Together For a Better Tomorrow
Working Together For a Better Tomorrow
Relative Things
Relative Things
Golfulating V
Golfulating V
Golfulating IV
Golfulating IV
Golfulating III
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Golfulating II
Muchos Tacos
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Perpetual Change
Perpetual Change
April 22, 2005
April 22, 2005
Chump On A Log
Chump On A Log
April Fool(s)
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Emperor MAR: The Beard. The Face.
The Beard.
The Face.
Photos 2005
Photos 2005
Rose Garden Dream July 3-5
Rose Garden Dream
July 3-5
Rose Garden Dream June 26
Rose Garden Dream
June 26
Partially Sanctioned Official Piemerican Party
Partially Sanctioned Official Piemerican Party
Photos 2004
Photos 2004
Tree Farm
Tree Farm
Tripple Seven Joenan
Tripple Seven
Tripple Seven (The Joe Legend)
Tripple Seven
(The Joe) Legend
Punch My Cat in the Face
Punch My Cat in the Face
Graduation Photos
Graduation Photos
Photos 2003
Photos 2003
Photos 2002
Photos 2002
Photos 2001
Photos 2001
Photos 2000
Photos 2000
Photos 1999
Photos 1999
Photos 1996-98
Photos 1996-98
Photos 1992-95
Photos 1992-95
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Photos 1990-91
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Photos 1985-86
Photos 1985-86

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