Tuesday, October 28, 2014 16th Anniversary of using the Name Piemerica
1. I was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
2. I'm bilingual. I speak English & body language.
3. I'm 1/3 Vegetarian because I don't eat meat while I'm asleep.
4. I'm not a know it all. I'm a know it some.
5. I am no stranger to people I've met.
6. Brushing my teeth is in my top 3 things I enjoy in life. That top 3 being,
3. Things I like
2. Things I really like
1. Things I love
7. I hate punk rockers. They always breaking when I sit in them.
8. I'm not a cannibal but I like human meat because it lets me move.
9. I hate those M&Ms puzzles they sell next to the checkout at the
grocery. I never get enough brown pieces to make the picture on the
10. The one thing I don't like about Erasmo of Narni is that he was
born in 1443. That's such a random year. C'mon Honeyed Cat, at least
round up! Make it 1450, Confonnit!
11. I've seen all the Star Wars movies. It was confusing. I should have watched them one at a time.
12. I like being hugged by rain's dryness when it is not raining.
13. I sculpt hams out of chicken fingers.
14. I'm having a contraction because I'm is a contraction.
15. I used to think tourettes was another way of saying stewardesses.
16. I can put my finger on it but doing that doesn't help anything.
17. It makes me sad but only in my eyes. My shins are not sad at all.
18. This is one of those songs I made that I like so much it makes me cry every time.. someone else isn't listening to it.
19. People on chat sites are always asking me to send them topless
pictures. Why would someone want pictures of open jars? Why would you
assume a stranger is selling preserves?
20. I recently bought a pillow with all the latest bells and whistles.. I never get any sleep.
21. I bought some apple sauce at the store the other day. It tasted
redundant eating it on my apples. It was like buying ketchup sauce for
22. My clock is awesome! It can take phone calls & is like a
handheld computer. (As you can tell I've decided to start calling my
phone a clock because for a phone it is cheap but for a clock it is
23. Check out my beautiful eyes, i i
24. When it is 40° I see snow melting but when it is 90° I never see melting snow. So is 40 warmer than 90?
25. yeah... *shoots self.. in the foot.. for using too many
ellipses...*... ...(because ellipses look like bullets & dot feet)
26. Wow you guys have names too! That is soooooohohohohohOH cooool!!!!!
I totes have a name. My parents gave it to me & the BIG GOV® let me
keep it (so far)! Ahhh!
27. ..I'm just going to put this away for danger keeping.
You kids & your new age slang. Wait do those words mean "age?"
Wow all those people are getting in that VW bug! It is so small. I
couldn't get in there because it is not my car & they don't know me.
I try to eat lettuce but only the lettuce I pay for or am given. I'm not a thief, I use my head when it comes to eating heads.
I saw him on my tv once. I was all like get off of my tv that is a flat-screen you cad! I was polite. I used lego curse words.
I wish I weren't made of Diet Crystal Pepsi 3000 as advertised in an alternate reality on the DuMont Television Network.
I don't like being censored. I never say anything censor worthy but
still being cen***ed s**ks. W**t w*s t*at!? *hat *ust *ap*ene* t*e*e?
If I weren't a sentient skillet I would sue the farm for all of its
bees. They'd have to catch them because it is not a bee farm.
I'm a rebel against languages. I refuse to learn most of them.
I've got a fire in my eye. I keep tryin' by cryin' to put it out.
I KILL plants for breakfast!! Look out!
I watch lots of hammers in case they are planning something..
I have 2 lions named Kid so I can say I have kids because I hateish
goats & my kids don't like being sounded like they owned.
My opinion on Bronies? Brownies made by dudes is cool because usually women are the bakers.
I wore my teeth as mouth necklaces all summer long.
Gross income is gross because I should get all my money. They better
stop taxing us when we all have jet packs since we won't need streets
or schools anymore.
I fought my way up the stairs by stomping the steps' heads in.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
It's now or never or the future.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are no fish in space. If there were loads of people would go up there to fish.
Toll booths dare say, "it is my way AND the highway."
You are bossy if you say "Excuse me" instead of "may I be excused."
Some people aren't a barrel of laughs. They are more like a satchel of giggles.
None of us are the brightest bulb in the box unless there is a lamp in the box too.
If you have to change a baby carrot's diaper you're shopping at the wrong Whole Foods.
It is faster to thank someone from the top of your heart than from the
bottom of your heart because those arteries are closer to your mouth.
If the world runs out of fish there are plenty of other fish to fry, just not literally.
Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple Gauntlets.
How to get money is to win at basket sports.
If you get the short end of the stick just play a little tug of war to get more.
You can't hear silence & that is why silence is golden. Silence is to be seen & not heard.
If only we could swallow other people's pride starvation would end.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is contagious.
When you grow up they say you're raised but when you die you're lowered into the ground.
You know you've seen something cool when you've seen lightning bugs stuck by lightning.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight
in the dog. But when the big dog eats the little dog that has big fight
in it, look out!
To Blinky, Pinky, Inky, & Clyde Pac-Man is a vicious circle.
Interestingly, educated people are even more clever at pretending to be
stupid because they use the "edumacated" cliché 43.668% less.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it always hits a
just few millimeters to the left to make things much worse.
You are an awesome multi-tasker if you can hit the books, the bricks,
the deck, the road, the nail on the head, the hay & the sack all at
the same time.
It is pretty obvious when the fireworks industry is booming.
The idea that "you can't mix apples & oranges" is why you never see a math teacher working a juice stand.
The real reason Icarus fell was because he took someone under his wing.
Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their stomach acid.
I've got my
Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe wreck.
Strawberries need to come with a warning label. Too many people have needlessly died whilst trying to use them as straws.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading this & those who don't know what this part says.
Out of sight, out of mind.. except for the screams.
Sunday, August 22, 2014
Lesson of/for the Day Theme Months
Lesson of/for the Day is kicking off themed months starting in October.
But as a pre-kick off I'm putting out all of the lessons I came up with
that didn't fit the themes, with the themeless theme month of
EVERY day of every theme month will have a new lesson!
Coming in the future
The Proverbial January
February is just the Tip of the Ice Burg!
There's also Poor Man's March & April Foolses & Wises
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Loki is always stealing Thor's thunder.
Alex had a pen & so did Al's ex because they had two pens & split them equally in the divorce.
people think we are supposed to bring heaven to earth, but it just
doesn't work. The best we can do is to get the lion & the lamb to
sleep in a bunk bed.
lol looks like a scared man's bow tie.
If your mouth lives a tongue be thankful because there are some who have no taste.
Anarchy has arrived when stop signs start walking.
Shea butter sounds dumb but Che Guevara butter sounds funny.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Ironically real rat races only occur at the most leisurely of occupations.
When you are eating deer for dinner passing the buck is a good thing.
If you fail to see the big picture your license may be revoked.
The sad truth is if you rap your mind around something physically you won't be able to wrap your mind around it figuratively.
If you have to spill the beans please don't cook them first.
Atari was so successful in the early 80s that they provided all of their employees with 3 square meals a day.
After the magician was injured during one of his tricks he now truly has nothing up his sleeve.
For unsuspecting adults Legos are often stumbling blocks.
"I'm sorry Minnie but the yacht won't be out of the shop until next Tuesday" is an example of a white lie.
Both Smart Alec & Stupid Alec were smart alecs.
say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend. But those
people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a toddler & I
don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine came over &
started throwing food on the floor, playing with my wires, &
digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
If someone rubs you the wrong way contact your lawyer.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Cameras let us capture moments but moments aren't domesticated so sometimes moments capture us back.
There are so many colors that don't exist.
If your school chooses the right font you'll always make straight A's.
When you haven't seen someone in eight years say, "You haven't aged a bit, it's more like a byte."
is customary in some non-Tuvaluan cultures for the parents of the bride
to put a wedge in-between the bride & groom, a grapefruit wedge.
This was the only way Maori businesswomen could sell any fruit because
in Piemerican Ecuador you can pick fruit for free provided you have
arms or toes.
Oven mitts were in fact designed to be
used to catch ovens. They are smooth & fingerless to prevent you
from actually catching an oven that has been thrown. They help the oven
slip safely through your hands because no one's back & knees could
handle catching an oven.
Caren was named after her
attitude because she cared that she was born. Bill was named because
his parents had no insurance. Greg was named because his parents liked
dog marmoset hybrids. Now you know who you are Greg.
Without net neutrality web browsers would be more like web ration lines.
Everyone has friends in low places because the ground is a low place & we all live here.
Beach is Peach with a gut.
If you're ever wearing cleats on a basketball court.. you might be a foreign exchange student who signed up for the wrong sport.
Though similar to the electric blanket, the electric shirt never caught on because of their slogan, "Put on the back burner!"
When hiring foot racers make sure they agree to give you a run for your money.
The sky gets crowded with summer in June.
In his old age Taz has started going to a spin doctor.
If you're on top you're over the top unless you are the top.
Magneto is always sticking to his guns.
If you're going to paint the town red use a good primer first.
When in a physical altercation with someone who fights dirty you have to fight tooth and nail.
You're in trouble when, instead of throwing in the towel, you accidentally throw your hat in the ring.
Going out on a limb isn't risky if you bring the limb with you & lay it on the ground.
May 31, 2014
New Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
Jibber Jabber 2013 Established
The Rise & (hopeful) Fall of
Products with "The Rise & fall" in the Hopefully one day my noses
will grow in & I will have features too.
You never saw me coming.. because I was just standing here, stationary.
If a dime is ten cents how much is a senTENce?
The opposite of nothing isn't something but everything.
What the heck was "home room" anyway? Home plate for people who ate breakfast at home.
I have a coat of arms because I made a new coat out of the sleeves of all my old ones.
Don't ride a turtle before you send it into outerspace.
You have to peel 167,000 kiwis to make a knife go dull. But if you cut them long ways its just 2,300.
Wednesday-Sunday May 24-May 28, 2014
Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires eat space beef.
your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your
doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't
know what page they are on.
Only super villains put
paper towels in the ocean to suck up all the water so they can send it
to another planet to create life there.
May 17, 2014
May 10, 2014
Thursday-Tuesday March 27-May 6, 2014
Putting the cart before the horse is a good idea if the cart floats & the horse is in water.
If spiders wore pants they'd have a lot of pockets.
The button was depressed because it was a shirt button & not a button that could be pressed & de-pressed.
If you put two bowls together you can create a bowling ball that doesn't roll away.
Zombies have prosthetic life but their body parts are real.
Disgusting grocery stores don't employ grochers, their employees are grochests.
It is good to have neighbors from hell because it means they are on
their way up in life. Coming from hell is much better than going to
hell. It's hard to escape hell. You have to win a fiddln' contest.
Hammock reviewers never review how well hammocks hold their liquor.
In evolutionism stew made Stu. In creationion Stu made you, but later changed His name to Jesus.
Despite some Americans despising illegal aliens Mexicans amazingly have diplomatic immunity on most planets.
If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much shade.
5 armed Zeidslurtz was excited to visit earth to participate in
high-fives because on his planet beings only have 4 hands. His
Omnegtolitum-English dictionary misled him however & he was greatly
disappointed in we two-handed humans. He was going to destroy the earth
until he saw someone giving away free kittens in a shopping parking
lot. He know lives in Normal, IL enjoying petting his 5 kitties.
Invisible question marks are true question marks because their existence is questionable.
A relationship with counting can easily last forever.
Toasters are where toasts have their funerals. Our butter & plates are their afterlife.
Deserts do have trees but when you're not looking invisible palm trees eat all of the other trees, roots & all.
Kids who grow up on a farm have more expected of them because so many
other things grow on a farm thus just simply growing is not as
Wrenches can help build but cannot build other wrenches.
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts, & people will always like you if you don't have any lies.
March 23, 2014
New Visual Lesson
Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never confronted.
March 16-22, 2014
Lesson Mania Week 2014
3/16/14 Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.
Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.
A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive
because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to begin
3/17/14 Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.
If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This
helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.
This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into toasters.
You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.
You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.
3/18/14 Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home
with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that
sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.
Tree carvings are tree tattoos.
Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.
You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink
from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a
mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink
some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water
in your wallet.
3/19/14 Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.
It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from
the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a
paper bag right next to it.
Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you bury it. It doesn't make any sense.
3/20/14 Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready! You know why?.. Because I'm driven."
Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!
OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.
3/21/14 Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted
are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.
When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway
just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like
you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel
like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you
don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel
like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you in the ocean if you
ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.
3/22/14 Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get
us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.
Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.
Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of marriage alive!
March 19, 2014
March 15, 2014
Why you got unpeeled Kiwis in ya Mouth?
I school the slang usin' kids on The True Meaning of® RANDOM by rambling for 40 minutes
You may be city folk but you can still milk a cow faster than a horse can!
March 10-13, 2014
Wingface was a terrible super villain because he was an awesome hero.
After scorpions are extinct we will have private teleporters. You will
be able to teleport things to strangers as gifts without having to know
where they live. So go kill scorpions!
Bear ghosts are the only ghosts with teeth.
March 9, 2014
New Visual Lesson
1 million people a day bathe in onions. They are the tiny people we eat but never see.
March 8, 2014
When you fall in the woods you can appreciate the ground. You are barely over it yet so close to being under it.
March 4, 2014
If you are looking for somewhere to sit just ask someone with a butt.
March 2, 2014
New Visual Lessons
Don't iron your tires. Those wrinkles were
Site Index Page Updated
MARS Sampler split into 3 playlists, Uptempo,
Relaxing, & Epics
Chronchive section added to links.
March 1, 2014
Tuvaluan Video Game Reviews - Sonic the Hedgehog
As very few know, the country of Tuvalu was a
test market for video games in the 80s & 90s. I used to write
for Tuvaluan Piemerican Magazine & I've finally dug up a review
of Sonic the Hedgehog I did in 1991 before the shoelace gameplay aspect
Unlike other reviewers of the era I gave in-depth analysis of the plots
of games. Also keep a look out for exclusive footage & brief
mention of an experimental Sega game that never made it stateside or
Japanside, titled The Unknown.
If you get teleported to an empty universe
you'd be the awesomest person in the universe!
Site Index Page Redesigned
Link list changed & added to, MARS
Music Sampler added, photo gallery thumbnails changed to 4 columns.
Previously Unavailable Chapters of (The Joe)'s Autobiography Interlectural
written on this day in
2007. The Autobiography site
recently overgone a redesign as well.
Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
New Piemerica Logo New Lesson
wash your pink plates with white plates. If you mix colored dishes with
white dishes you'll end up with a purple monkey in the dishwasher... I
24, 2014 Piemerica's
Highlights from Piemerica's second year. The best comedy
poetry from 1999 including never before seen excerpt from Cats!
February 19, 2014
New Visual Lesson
New Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
February 18, 2014
New Machine Oriented Pseudo
If you are what you eat then eat donuts
you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
February 17, 2014
Introducing Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
February 16, 2014
Headless ghosts would bump into walls if they
February 15, 2014
February 14, 2014
Jewish rappers should remember to proof read
emails because there is a big difference between "Oy!" & "Yo!"
February 13, 2014
February 12, 2014
Top 3 Worst Times to Sign Autographs
3. While inside of a bowled bowling ball (it's
2. While white water rafting
1. While not holding a writing apparatus
February 11, 2014
February 2, 2014
Piemerica.org Online for 12 Years
Piemerica's website went online 12 years ago. When
Piemerica hit the Web in 2002 the web itself was less than 12 years
old. Now Piemerica has been on the Web for over half of the Web's
existence! In these 12 years Piemerica.org has risen to the
23,285,274th most popular website in the world out of over 4 billion!
That's gotta be worth a free pie right?
Top 3 Most Humbling Shadows (Up Close)
February 1, 2014
Houses in tropical climates are
light jackets of paint.
January 31, 2014
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but how do you keep your house
from burning down? Sleep with pears in your mouth. It keeps your house
from catching fire.
No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by greedy
doctors. They invented gravity too.
It is easier to catch a snowball with your mouth than with your hands.
But catching it with your mouth makes it much harder to throw back.
Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've taken
vows of silence no one ever hears about it.
Piemerica's lessons will make you laugh & they will make you
there are freshly cut onions nearby.
You can't light a fire under someone twice in the same year because
once their bottom is burnt they won't sit down the same way.
People who waste food eat pre-trash.
Top 20 Lessons of 2013
20. A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.
19. Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a
mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill
but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.
18. Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.
17. Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it
is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you
aren't really you either.
16. The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.
15. Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears
that will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question
down & if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing
14. When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway
Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.
13. If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents
are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to
12. If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.
11. Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style,
technology, & today's date to stay the same for years & years
10. When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
9. You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.
8. If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.
7. Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a
stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash
& give it back to them.
6. One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."
5. Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.
4. Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"
3. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.
2. People who sign autographs are redundant.
1. Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap
box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.
A picture is worth a thousand words so a
picture of a thousand words is worth 2,000!!
Top 3 ways to loose
money in a
3. Burn down the insurance company instead of
2. Using the classic sales pitch &
it into action,
"We Burn Money!
1. Play hide & go seek with the funds