Thursday-Tuesday March 27-May 6, 2014
Putting the cart before the horse is a good idea if the cart floats & the horse is in water.
If spiders wore pants they'd have a lot of pockets.
The button was depressed because it was a shirt button & not a button that could be pressed & de-pressed.
If you put two bowls together you can create a bowling ball that doesn't roll away.
Zombies have prosthetic life but their body parts are real.
Disgusting grocery stores don't employ grochers, their employees are grochests.
It is good to have neighbors from hell because it means they are on
their way up in life. Coming from hell is much better than going to
hell. It's hard to escape hell. You have to win a fiddln' contest.
Hammock reviewers never review how well hammocks hold their liquor.
In evolutionism stew made Stu. In creationion Stu made you, but later changed His name to Jesus.
Despite some Americans despising illegal aliens Mexicans amazingly have diplomatic immunity on most planets.
If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much shade.
5 armed Zeidslurtz was excited to visit earth to participate in
high-fives because on his planet beings only have 4 hands. His
Omnegtolitum-English dictionary misled him however & he was greatly
disappointed in we two-handed humans. He was going to destroy the earth
until he saw someone giving away free kittens in a shopping parking
lot. He know lives in Normal, IL enjoying petting his 5 kitties.
Invisible question marks are true question marks because their existence is questionable.
A relationship with counting can easily last forever.
Toasters are where toasts have their funerals. Our butter & plates are their afterlife.
Deserts do have trees but when you're not looking invisible palm trees eat all of the other trees, roots & all.
Kids who grow up on a farm have more expected of them because so many
other things grow on a farm thus just simply growing is not as
Wrenches can help build but cannot build other wrenches.
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts, & people will always like you if you don't have any lies.
March 23, 2014
New Visual Lesson
Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never confronted.
March 16-22, 2014
Lesson Mania Week 2014
3/16/14 Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.
Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.
A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive
because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to begin
3/17/14 Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.
If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This
helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.
This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into toasters.
You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.
You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.
3/18/14 Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home
with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that
sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.
Tree carvings are tree tattoos.
Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.
You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink
from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a
mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink
some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water
in your wallet.
3/19/14 Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.
It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from
the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a
paper bag right next to it.
Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you bury it. It doesn't make any sense.
3/20/14 Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready! You know why?.. Because I'm driven."
Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!
OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.
3/21/14 Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted
are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.
When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway
just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like
you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel
like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you
don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel
like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you in the ocean if you
ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.
3/22/14 Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get
us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.
Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.
Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of marriage alive!
March 19, 2014
March 15, 2014
Why you got unpeeled Kiwis in ya Mouth?
I school the slang usin' kids on The True Meaning of® RANDOM by rambling for 40 minutes
You may be city folk but you can still milk a cow faster than a horse can!
March 10-13, 2014
Wingface was a terrible super villain because he was an awesome hero.
After scorpions are extinct we will have private teleporters. You will
be able to teleport things to strangers as gifts without having to know
where they live. So go kill scorpions!
Bear ghosts are the only ghosts with teeth.
March 9, 2014
New Visual Lesson
1 million people a day bathe in onions. They are the tiny people we eat but never see.
March 8, 2014
When you fall in the woods you can appreciate the ground. You are barely over it yet so close to being under it.
March 4, 2014
If you are looking for somewhere to sit just ask someone with a butt.
March 2, 2014
New Visual Lessons
Don't iron your tires. Those wrinkles were
Site Index Page Updated
MARS Sampler split into 3 playlists, Uptempo,
Relaxing, & Epics
Chronchive section added to links.
March 1, 2014
Tuvaluan Video Game Reviews - Sonic the Hedgehog
As very few know, the country of Tuvalu was a
test market for video games in the 80s & 90s. I used to write
for Tuvaluan Piemerican Magazine & I've finally dug up a review
of Sonic the Hedgehog I did in 1991 before the shoelace gameplay aspect
Unlike other reviewers of the era I gave in-depth analysis of the plots
of games. Also keep a look out for exclusive footage & brief
mention of an experimental Sega game that never made it stateside or
Japanside, titled The Unknown.
If you get teleported to an empty universe
you'd be the awesomest person in the universe!
Site Index Page Redesigned
Link list changed & added to, MARS
Music Sampler added, photo gallery thumbnails changed to 4 columns.
Previously Unavailable Chapters of (The Joe)'s Autobiography Interlectural
written on this day in
2007. The Autobiography site
recently overgone a redesign as well.
Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
New Piemerica Logo New Lesson
wash your pink plates with white plates. If you mix colored dishes with
white dishes you'll end up with a purple monkey in the dishwasher... I
24, 2014 Piemerica's
Highlights from Piemerica's second year. The best comedy
poetry from 1999 including never before seen excerpt from Cats!
February 19, 2014
New Visual Lesson
New Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
February 18, 2014
New Machine Oriented Pseudo
If you are what you eat then eat donuts
you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
February 17, 2014
Introducing Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
February 16, 2014
Headless ghosts would bump into walls if they
February 15, 2014
February 14, 2014
Jewish rappers should remember to proof read
emails because there is a big difference between "Oy!" & "Yo!"
February 13, 2014
February 12, 2014
Top 3 Worst Times to Sign Autographs
3. While inside of a bowled bowling ball (it's
2. While white water rafting
1. While not holding a writing apparatus
February 11, 2014
February 2, 2014
Top 3 Most Humbling Shadows (Up Close)
February 1, 2014
Houses in tropical climates are
light jackets of paint.
January 31, 2014
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but how do you keep your house
from burning down? Sleep with pears in your mouth. It keeps your house
from catching fire.
No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by greedy
doctors. They invented gravity too.
It is easier to catch a snowball with your mouth than with your hands.
But catching it with your mouth makes it much harder to throw back.
Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've taken
vows of silence no one ever hears about it.
Piemerica's lessons will make you laugh & they will make you
there are freshly cut onions nearby.
You can't light a fire under someone twice in the same year because
once their bottom is burnt they won't sit down the same way.
People who waste food eat pre-trash.
Top 20 Lessons of 2013
20. A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.
19. Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a
mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill
but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.
18. Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.
17. Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it
is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you
aren't really you either.
16. The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.
15. Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears
that will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question
down & if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing
14. When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway
Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.
13. If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents
are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to
12. If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.
11. Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style,
technology, & today's date to stay the same for years & years
10. When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
9. You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.
8. If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.
7. Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a
stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash
& give it back to them.
6. One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."
5. Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.
4. Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"
3. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.
2. People who sign autographs are redundant.
1. Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap
box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.
A picture is worth a thousand words so a
picture of a thousand words is worth 2,000!!
Top 3 ways to loose
money in a
3. Burn down the insurance company instead of
2. Using the classic sales pitch &
it into action,
"We Burn Money!
1. Play hide & go seek with the funds