(The Joe)'s Autobiography
You see back in the prehistoric days we had pencils & they were brown because they came from trees but fresh trees were green just like oranges used to be. We lived in caves & the caves always had wars. We didn't have missiles so we used ice sickles. We ran up & threw them at other's caves. Oh, but in the winter the ice sickles melted. So we used Reese's peanut butter cups, of course then we made them ourselves. A woman named Sulak invented them but she was eaten by my tiger named Reese.
All the cave dwellers melted the Reese's cups & threw it on other's welcome mats. Once I did this to Vloid & he stuck to his mat until he stepped off but his feet were dirty so he washed in the drinking stream flowing from a giant log in Rand McNally. All who drank were disgusted , but not I. I had a secret log in an underground level of my cave.
The only thing we bought
was money. I ate all I could find, it was tough being obese back then.
One day all our lives changed, we found that defecation was a bad Idea.
Seven times I mistook landmine for a welcome mat & vice versa.
No one understood that fire had no idea about fences, so we all turned into belts. The bad thing no one needed belts, this was also the good thing. We swam in the log river searching for a skillet. Sewn along in loops it didn't work. We didn't measure years, so I can't tell you how long it took. I can tell you all that basically happened.
It started with 5 different belts: buckle, fish, snaps, rope, & angled, & scissor. Well not scissor but scasser. Buckle listed 15,000 drops. Fish smelt 86 incisors. Snaps broomed & scombed & listened to me ole song that went like this:
"Scoba diver, scoba diver, gaffted to meat. Flimsy single doctrine, all it coaled twas vent.
Rope hormed but left us all shingled. How I insist vend. Angled go in last barn of life. Finally scissor, well not scissor but scasser. Scasser bent itself so it twas out of the running. I gloved as a belt so it took 12 days, if at all possible.
In the caves I danced jigs it echoes tuneisticly. Shock waves always caused problems. The cave walls wiggled (wuggled) endlessly. We were so dizzy. Cam Era fell into an up cliff. You see back then we didn't have a sky. We had ground above & below us. Cam Era walked, hit a fly zone, & fell up into a cliff. Finally I took a cart, wiped out. I liked up land, fun was a part of it.
Every Ifter, a season we had back then when earth filled with jell, we took giant capsels & hid in them so we could breathe. Belts especially rope swam in jell. I had a secret tube attached once so I could eat it all. This was the only season I was allowed to change. It was for the good of all the living?
We had many things then that you don't have now. As I said before there was no sky & we lived in caves. The entire world was a cave. Rivers ran up & down, compasses were useless. We didn't have the sun, just strange light shooting limbs on our shoulders. There were many small moons zooming around the earth, especially at night. Due to the moons we crawled around on our backs.
Oceans were just giant wall like voids of water. Every Coondeiz, what we called the third hour on Tuesday, we went to the beach. On the beach sand constantly poured as rain up & down. Because of the third hour Tuesday was known as Horrible Stinging Pain Day. We rarely dived into the ocean, we just ran into it. Swimming was a large task. The reason for this twas water constantly circled & changed temperature massively from frozen to evaporated. We were glad we were stupid & couldn't measure an hour. That kept us from staying in the water so long. Unlike the Vandrivers of Sidosut, who were smart enough to stay away from the beach, we made this a weekly ritual among the people. Hand bowl soupy stew.
I never knew much about bearded mother boards but once we canopened that wind, I thought twice. I took that bounce at, bounce cat being the name for lettuce blades back then, & that wind came all the way down from bearded mother board. Soon after I found that the bearded motherboard was not cut up but a hole tree. That's right a big ole tree completely filled in every oraphis.
Those nights in Milwake were sad, so sad in fact I cried all the way to the bank. The bank as we now know it then were the grave. If you don't get what I'm saying, I'm saying it was very extremely up to maliciously happy. Milwalkei were a quite tinted lens of places, even though chalk vulture always stayed away. Chalk Vulture could toot a cranberry quicker then ice. Chalk Vulture & I had some great times. We never met but I understand Its times were great.
Clause back then we owned time because we were so dumb at measuring it. I had 17 siklavs to the vlendoor. Siklavs were the ourth best time you could have. They were the best I could have being a count on uh I was the first Lazy Bum. Drocdurbs were the best. One drocdurb equals a fulpnurb of siklavs. But you all don't care about this so I'll get back to it.
I thought that crabsy was supposed to be capitalized. So I invented names being capitalized, plaguing school aged beings forever. No, that wasn't me. We didn't even have words or names or nothing. All we had was a large crooked box that seems like the eye of a lake. Lake's eye being the center balance point of a size 4 shoe. We called the box on a swooping soap style bar it never responded but we still thought it was funny. Funny or we laughed because we were insane. When ever we walked by the box's cave, it yelled about its lawn. The box had delusions of the future when grass would exist. I coughed as loud as I could but the box wouldn't cure my ills. But when I finally got close I found that box has no lox.
Well I gave up to some cherries. Cherries then being sewing patterns. Well dem dere didn't want any up. I loopped together some icesickles & waged war on the cherries. "Potent valance touring" I thought. We loved hammers, then as now known as hammers. Hammers used to light up our caves like a hammer hitting a rocky cave wall. We reminisced about the time we all turned into belts. Our caves were covered with polish. It shined up so well that hunny bun rabbit nosers would pay our crooked crayons to sleep in a toastable limit of solvent cords, crippled to the large ledge held cageoners.
No pockets were existing. We carried our things in our minds. Being dumb we couldn't carry much, like today's weak man opposed to today's strong man. I, being a genius, had to carry everyone's things. All they could carry was the thirteenth size of a tear drop, although then tear drops were thirteen times bigger. I was like a shipping car. The shipping car in those days was a slim litt'l bugger that never wore a coat (galvanized porpus inuit).
Instead of screaming we just decided to torture ourselves with pain to keep us quiet. If the pain became too much to handle, we used knobs. Knobs were constantly bordered with don't care or a Mel. Mel was always bragg'n that it had a short name I didn't see the big deal, my neighbors name was Um Ciltkontpofur, which seemed quite short to me.
Mel & I were good friends. We smashed turtles in the other's eye when unsuspecting. I set his table.. on fire. He set my set of Kiato collectables on fire. We had some good times, come to think of it Mel was my enemy. He once varnished my plaster staple, that cone swinger!
Last time I ever saw mel or Mel as he preferred to be called, was after I got that power saw from the mysterious future man by the ole somber pond, you know who I'm talking about. Anyway I sawed him up real good. Then the mysterious future man by the ole somber pond (because there are more mysterious future men) came to me, took his power saw & said,
"I am the mysterious future man by the ole
somber pond who owns a power saw. Rather I did own a power saw before
you took it. In the future our spoken sentences make sense that is to
say that you can:
Tiring of his long ramblings I was angered. So I saw him too. At that point Mel & the mysterious future man by the ole somber pond who owns a power saw & can travel to the future whenever he chooses at least before I saw him (wink wink) were gone. I needed a new enemy. The old box told me I didn't need to have enemies at all & could live peacefully with all beings. So I made it my new enemy. As said before box has no lox so I just canvassed myself with hockey pucks, known as beetles, & forced myself up his chimney, giant water hose, & noted that "very nuzzed". Box had no Idea so I suffocated in the chimney. But I don't die don't count on it. Hold on I did die, well then how am I writing this? What about when I say I? Who is I? Well that old box, he sure could rope a smelly ice sickle. Did I mention when I said Ice sickle I was talk'n about the king that death has. Yes, much more effective.
I just couldn't bring myself to.. anywhere. There is only one of me so far. We had nowhere to sit even if we had nowhere to sit we still had nowhere to sit.
Diseases, how could I forget about that? Most likely because we didn't have any. We just had horrible death causing plagues. We lived the fast life back then, we didn't have any time to suffer. I'm not sure if idiocy is a plague but a whole lot of us sure died by it. Our worst plague was named Death. We didn't waste our time thinking up frilly names like you kids now a days. Death caused people to live again.. in Heaven or Hell. Another disease we didn't have was, well all of them. But there were more plagues. If I were to pick the second worst plague it would be women. Women were always following us around telling us what to do, how to look, & what to like or dislike. This is one plague that still exists today.
A plague I had a grudge against was the swollen plague, known as Ha Ha Take That Obese People We Look Fatter Than You. Eventually I figured to get stricken by this plague in order to get bigger. I thought "dah my skin will never explode." My skin did explode. I was too huge. We were used to our skin getting ripped of weekly from going to the beach.
The best plague was known as 'Blots Nerok' the caramel lamp plague. It rumbled an invisible line behind the planet (correct I didn't say earth). This plague was like a massage.
Other plagues include:
Animals we had them too. A tiger was already mentioned, then a tiger was made of peanut butter, chocolate, & a cupshappedwrapper. Our animals weren't just living organisms, no, they were also fake things that were made up! Things like thumb tack look alives. Thumbseyies weren't bottle tab scaffold tracer white balloons. The reason why they weren't is because they don't exist.
Honestly though our animals were much like your animals today. For example a bird then swam in the water & had gills yet also dug in the ground. Fish flew in the sky & landed on trees, not land. So they treed on trees I suppose. If you've been paying attention you'll have noticed, there is no sky for them to fly in, trees were not aforementioned, there are 2 sets of ground, & water changes temperature far too often for anything to survive it.
The animal that scared me the most was one that had the look of a ghost. The animal was one as today is known as fog yet had the smell of a ghastly hog. Yeah it smelled bad so I put on my on putter, never again.
Bees were the loveliest of animals always polite with their classy Elvis like outfits, monocle, & freeing ability to give away free shoulder light scorched dirt (bread). Stools always spent their time in a camera flour. Bees had wingers & stingers to spread butter with. They, but a fine butter spread on a lettuce head. Bees had aqua harved eyebrows in a tube. When ever bees decided they wanted you to have eyebrows they just put it on ya. My eye got tired of this. Those bees kept missing My eyelid cover brow area. I then grabbed a bee & grabbed a B & beat the bee savagely with the B as it were the savage days then.
I got punished for telling Time. Time don't take no guff, you understand? Time was like celery & peanut butter but Time couldn't be eaten on a regular basis. All the clocks of the future (now present) say, "there is no time." Well this concern us for we are the past. Then twist ties existed just without the twist, so they we're boring. I stole a free edition of pellet sconed velvet coloring for stirrups.
Corporate propaganda was ever present. Like one would see today. Holidays were BIG back then. Yeah, that is a huge store. Time refused to use a ruler so holidays were celebrated whenever they forced us to. A notable holiday occurrence was Slave Labor Day. Today, well not today but when it happens, it is called Labor Day. This 'day' lasted a very long time when we were conquered by Mapland. Mapland was a small dog owned by Time.
My favorite holiday was Savage Beating Elapse 2. There were no beatings on this day, not even savage ones, the day was made by Time to make us convulse with paranoia. But I still gave savage beatings just to throw the newbies off. They finally stint fall polik torg nalt been so.. care saw malic pottifer sore dent mixker se pap. Time was so famous that he had a magazine named after him, also the measuring of sequenced occurrences.
The probability came when people wanted to wear belts so scissor, well not scissor but scasser, hopped all the way to the bank, the bank being the grave. Sorry already used that sorry joke, that's real, before. Indeed scissor, well not scissor but scasser, fell in the bank, the bank being the grave. I pulled scissor, well not scissor but scasser, out of the bank, the bank being the grave. So scissor, well not scissor but scasser & I frolicked all the way away from the bank, the bank being the grave. We reached the grave, the grave not the bank (the bank being the grave) because if the grave were the grave we would have just said grave & not bank (bank being the grave).
Scasser & I, well not scasser but.. actually I finally got it right, went our own ways (later inspiring a song). I was sad that scissor left (well not scissor but scasser, I should have seen that one coming as you all should have). Whoa! we parted ways it didn't leave. We left together but separate, got that? I don't see as if anyone would be reading this now anyway. Cam Era fell into an up cliff, An up cliff. After that the olen days didn't last much long, no sir ee.
How I loved ye olen days, days that weren't days for we measured no time. When we waged war with death style ice sickles. The days when peanut butter cups were invented. When the Giant Log flowed. Belts we were. On beaches we swam destroyed by water & stinging sand. Bounce cats were lettuce & oh those nights in Mikake so sad. The bank were the grave but the grave were not the bank. Tears were thirteen times bigger so we wept all the more. Mel & the mysterious future man by the ole somber pond who I once saw. And my good friend scissor, well not scissor but scasser, whose name I got wrong. Plagues plagued the land & caused us to write stupid books. Animals couldn't mixker. The days we all forsook.
Ch. 2- History Before (The Joe)
Written by: (The Joe) & (The Joe) Legend
Written on: 3/28/01, 3/30/01, 2/15/02,
Mostly Written on: 11/5/02, 11/6/02, 11/7/02