(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 1
Chapter 3
Meat Loop of Celery & Beets -  754-774

(The Joe) was spawned out of a meat loop of celery & beets in 754 A.D. (The Joe) grew up as a young man but soon grew older. (The Joe) found that life on earth was much like life inside a hollow gram.

(The Joe) wondered, “Isn’t a gram small enough?”

(The Joe) had trouble in school, which is horrible because there was no such thing. (The Joe) got into a fight with a 12th grade Black Smith. After the fight was over (The Joe) was no longer respected in the countryside because everyone thought he was a racist for getting beat up by a Black Smith.

(The Joe) packed his 3 whale shaped bags and headed for the greener pastures he had heard about. (The Joe) walked extra slow in order to not miss any raindrops that may fall and soothe his dried tongue. When (The Joe) got to the ‘greener pastures’ he had heard of they were the orangest pastures he’d ever seen. (The Joe) decided to name the orange season Fall because he knew that other people called it that already.

(The Joe) met a tall farmer in an orange pasture and asked him his name. The farmer replied, “I’m sorry brethren I must not spokaneth ye languid.”

(The Joe) knew exactly what had happed, his dried tongue made him sound like an idiot from a Broccoli Loop of Onions & Peas.

(The Joe) apologized to the farmer saying. “Thurz thi orange. Thurz thi orange an ah wheel to feel. Carnuit?”

The conversation continued all night long as (The Joe) had mistakenly turned his back on the departing tall farmer. When (The Joe) turned around he was shocked and that lightening bolt made him decided to go find shelter. (The Joe) ran into a cow pretending to be a thief and it was utterl.. (editor’s note: cow utter joke partially removed from book) fortress gain.

The air was thicker than (The Joe) anticipated so he took out his  knife. They had a nice dinner but the knife accused (The Joe) of just using her to cut the meat.

(The Joe) replied, “Look knife this relationship just isn’t cutting it for me.”

The knife, furious, pulled out a knife and claimed it was their child. (The Joe) looked at the baby knife and accused that it was born of the Black Smith based on the appearance of its black handle. (The Joe)’s knife date claimed that (The Joe) wasn’t half the man Black Smith was. (The Joe) then pointed out his weight problem which shut her up but she then left never to see (The Joe) again.

(The Joe)’s heart was butchered having his first relationship on Earth fail. So (The Joe) did what any of us would’ve done in 770, he invited everyone  over for the first ever Pity Party! (The Joe) plowed a local hill declaring the time and date of the party and disclaiming that no knives were allowed.

Once the party got into full swing it was a hit and the fight had to be broken up. (The Joe) said that he wasn’t afraid of ghosts so the party-goers drug him down to the local graveyard/pond and threw him in. (The Joe) was however afraid of swimming, he knew how to swim, he was just afraid to do it because he was so lazy. (The Joe) nearly drown to death until his best friend from the Meat Loop, Black Smith, dove in and saved his life. Yes, Black Smith was his real name, he was not from so called ‘Africa.’

(The Joe) was grateful and gave Black Smith the world’s first grate to put over his hole in the ground. Smith was confused because using a grate over a hole turns it into many smaller holes. (The Joe) then demonstrated that with a grate you can stand on holes!

“Wow!” said Black Smith who had come to beat (The Joe) up again.

Suddenly Black Smith stood up to Black Smith and defended (The Joe) claiming, “Leave (The Joe) alone, sure he cries when he’s alone but he cries even harder when he gets beat up.”

“Actually that’s not true” (The Joe) interjected.

So both Black Smiths shruggingly gave (The Joe) a savage beating. The party and savage beating continued late into the noon allowing local doctor Ceewit I. Canndo to work his magic. Everyone loved the magic show he put on except (The Joe) of course because he’d rather have his wounds treated than..

“Wow!” (The Joe) exclaimed, “This is much better than getting my wounds treated!”

As the party continued the townspeople were at a loss for words after discovering (The Joe)’s privately invented word search game. (The Joe) had enough of the pillaging of his belongings and canceled the party. Unbeknownst to (The Joe) the government guy who ran the place ordered the party to continue until (The Joe) himself left the related areas forever.

By the second week of the party’s gestation the townsyanks could only dance with their two fingers. (The Joe) would have left at this time according to an ancient historical account but the party became lame and no one could walk anymore. Finally the government guy who ran the place showed up to the party and danced the night away awkwardly trying to get (The Joe) to leave. (The Joe) could not stand the terrible dancing so he got up and busted a move on the dance dirt. The government guy who ran the place loved (The Joe)’s dancing so much that he named him his successor to the place.

Two years later (The Joe) was awarded the title of The Government Guy Who Runs the Place. (The Joe)’s first act of running the place was to run the thieves out of town during a thief race where the finish line was a rich city. (The Joe) then ran all of the homeless people out of town by building a few castles outside of ‘town’ for all of them.

The homefull town people violently revolted against (The Joe) then begged like little momma’s boys that he build them castles too. The cuteness of the kids they sent to (The Joe) did not persuade him and he then promptly built palaces for everyone as originally planned. (The Joe) had a hunch that lava often got into castles and mailed a letter to a tree in what is now Nantan, Kyoto, Japan about his theory.

(The Joe) provided many luxuries to his people over the next two years. He gave away free bird rides, milk swimming lessons, money eating contests, weekly palace gold replacements, onion depeelers for everyone, a collar for every horse, and a Armillary Sphere for every palace horse parking station (an early form of a garage).


(The Joe) fearful of other countries trying to steal his place’s wealth made a list of fears and paid off every known nation on earth to not scare him with these fears.

Dear place, please do not do the following things to my place:

Loan undergarments

  Give wedgies

  Supply us with food

Force feed us things

Give us free hats

Make fun of the hats we wear

  Ask us about our day

  Tell us about your day

  Inquire about our fancy leg warmers

  Come over here for any reason even if it is to help us from all suffering death.

(The Joe) was pleased with his list and after receiving letters back wished he would have put the entry, “Don’t make fun of my List” on the list.


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Written by (The Joe)- December 15, 2000 & Emperor MAR- May 21-22, 2007

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