(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 1
Chapter 4
Pieraide-  775

(The Joe) was praised for his carelessness of throwing money into whatever was extravagant and shiny. Shortly thereafter (The Joe) was hated for his negligence of having no money left to buy food and his treaties with places worldwide prevented him from getting food from anywhere outside his place due to his fear of choking.

(The Joe) was up the paddle without a creek and the paddle wasn’t long enough to keep his ears from the angerous townsyanks. (The Joe) had to come up with a food source fast or the people wouldn’t be able to badger him due to their starvation weaknesses.

(The Joe)’s assistant, Ciniod the Imaginary Horseshoe, pointed him towards a fruit tree. (The Joe) stared at the tree for several hours wondering why trusty Ciniod would lead him to such a foodless place. While sitting under the tree reared back and snoring an apple fell in (The Joe)’s mouth. (The Joe) always ate whatever got into his mouth believing if something goes in it must be divine intervention which brings it there. On this one occasion (The Joe) was correct and the apple tasted apptastic!

(The Joe) gathered up the apples he had been laying on and took them to his palace workshop. He then took a break and picked flowers wishing for a true love that wasn’t a knife. After sulking (The Joe) grounded up the flowers and made them into a crust, then he put the apples in the crust and baked it in his fire powered oven.

(The Joe)’s starving servants gathered around the delicious aroma as (The Joe) hoisted the pie out of the fire powered oven. Confusingly Ciniod got the first taste, then (The Joe), and finally his servants. Everyone loved this amazing food invention and (The Joe) was asked what he would call it. (The Joe) called it Pie because he had a stuttering problem which caused his servants and Ciniod to celebrate too early. (The Joe) originally wanted to call it Piemerica in honor of his mentor MAR. Angered by the mistake (The Joe) then named ‘the place he governed’ to ‘Piemerica.’

Instead of putting his efforts into spreading food to his people (The Joe) decided to build a large sign that said ‘Piemerica’ on it. After several of his servants died from starvation while making the sign (The Joe) then finished the sign himself and put Ciniod the Imaginary Horseshoe in charge of the pie distribution. This bold move caused great confusion and the Piemericans praised (The Joe) for it because confusion had never been such fun. This ideal of fun confusion is alive even in today’s modern Piemerica.

Sadly however Ciniod mistakenly ordered the clouds to make it winter and all of the flowers died rendering pie making impossible. Ciniod reported to (The Joe) the mistake and then reported a sentimental story about a kid falling in a well making (The Joe) forget all about it and allowed Ciniod to go unpunished.

Finally Ciniod just told all of the Piemericans to move away where there is food. Having heard the same thing from a real person just minutes before they did just that and abandoned loyalty to (The Joe) because he was a terribly distracted dictator who often forgot to dictate anything.

Not knowing anything about what happened, (The Joe) turned around in saddened shock to present his completed sign to only three teenagers who had stayed behind to laugh at him. (The Joe) was furious and began biting himself. Just then Ciniod rode in under a horse and kicked (The Joe) in the face. Ciniod and the teens attempted to rush (The Joe) to an Emergency Room but they couldn’t find one anywhere within hundreds of years.

Realizing that he must still be alive if he can imagine Ciniod (The Joe) stood up and blooded himself off. He then went to the surrounding places looking for former Piemericans and begged them to come back.

One former Piemerican, Cindy Kull, invited (The Joe) to dinner to explain why no one would come back. She told (The Joe), “As a leader you were like a blind kid twirling all about with swords in your hands. However as a man, you’re everything I ever wanted.”

(The Joe) was distracted yet again as he saw the knife he thought he loved eating with another man the next table over. (The Joe) then left abruptly because he could not stand the pain of being alone any longer. (The Joe) quickly realized that leaving caused him to be alone and went back into the restaurant then seeing Cindy laughing with Black Smith and Black Smith. (The Joe) quickly picked up a knife off the table and pointed it at the Black Smiths yelling, “You made this knife didn’t you?”

Black Smith replied, “No I didn’t. That knife was made by Black Black Smith.”

Black Black Smith then stood up and said, “That’s African Piemerican Black Smith to you White Black Smith.”

(The Joe) was ecstatic to hear Black Black Smith claim his Piemerican heritage. African Piemerican Black Smith pulled out his drum and played as (The Joe) danced a traditional Piemerican dance around the fire Ciniod had built in the middle of the wooden restaurant.

As the first restaurant ever burnt down one man complained, “Hey I ordered this steak medium rare not well done!”

The waiter apologized and discussed with that cook that they should refund him his chicken he used to pay for the steak. They politely handed him his chicken then hastily ran out of the collapsing flaming structure.

The people saw & heard (The Joe) heroically screaming like a little girl as he ran from the fire. They were very happy that his girlish screams kept them from being embarrassed themselves. They were so happy that they let (The Joe) enslave them as Piemericans because slaving was all the rage in those days. Now that the people were slaves they didn’t expect food anymore and they lived happily in the ever after.


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Written by Emperor MAR- May 22 & July 24, 2007

Piemerica.org House