(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 1
Chapter 5
The Early MisterAdventures -  776-777

Ciniod came to (The Joe) and reported the heartbreaking casualties caused by (The Joe)’s poor leadership. (The Joe) was told that there was only one survivor left. (The Joe) leapt into the air and got stuck! While stuck in the air (The Joe) contemplated how he could save the last starving Piemerican. (The Joe) asked the cow stuck in the air next to him what he thought he should do. Having the cow in plain view (The Joe) realized what he must do, he must invent a new pie and call it the cow pie! The cow then stared at him as some cows do.

(The Joe) had to first get out of the air so he ate the cow to burst out of the air. Unfortunately (The Joe) burst the entire Earth’s atmosphere. God then rebuked (The Joe) for eating two whole cows & for saying he only ate one cow in his autobiography. God then made the air not so tight and returned everything else back to normal.

(The Joe) got back to work on inventing the cow pie. He told Ciniod his idea to which Ciniod decided to change a few things. Now the idea was for (The Joe) to make cow pies out of milk and beef. (The Joe) brutally slaughtered a bull and then brutally milked a cow.

(The Joe) used his original cow pie idea to fertilize the ground in order to grow the necessary flower. This took months and by this point Donn Zongyuan, the last Piemerican slave, was growing a fetch bit impatient. Then the milk curdled and the beef spoiled. (The Joe) was really embarrassed.

“You should be even more embarrassed that I’m your best friend,” Ciniod the Imaginary Horseshoe told him.

(The Joe) blocked out these tragic events and decided to share the following story about living in the 770s.

“Back in those days all we had were people and animals, there were no machines, plants, or minerals like you spoiled cretins have today or whatever day this is.. Anywhom, I was talking to my onion about how things went downhill in the 760s when people declared themselves free to make idiot mistakes instead of listening to their wiser elders.

I then went down to the older mineral mine to pick some mechanical carrots with my thought balloon. Now my memory is a little sketchy so I’ll just draw you a picture. And keep in mind that we didn’t have mirrors back then so I’m not sure what I looked like.

As a young man I was very popular with all the ladais. They would always talk about me behind my back, point at me a giggle, get their boyfriends to beat me up or embarrass me. Yep I was very fortunate to know the true love of dozens of women.

I was really excited to be given the chance to name things forever. I was really lazy too so I just named things in the alphabetical order I saw them in.

First I saw a Canadian so I named him Aye then I saw a bee, then I saw the sea, then I saw a bee again so I cut it in half and named it D…, then I saw myself, …, then I saw a Mexican and named him El.., then I had to use the rest room…, then I was thirsty and drank some tea, then I saw you…, then I saw you again while I was dizzy, I went blind when I got to X so I never got to finish. I was going to make Z a Finnish person but you know, the past and all.”

(The Joe) struck it rich in the gambling industry as he brought forth slots. Slots, much like today’s slot machines, were just slots people put money into and got nothing in return. (The Joe) promoted the biggest non-Superbowl gambling day in the history of the world on 7/7/777. (The Joe) used the money he swindled using the slots to feed the world, which is what all those people were going to use their money for anyway.

(The Joe) swore off gambling the next day after he got injured in a jar wreck and his insurance company, Insure-Ants, wouldn’t even pay him a queen’s egg. The next few periods of time were very hard for (The Joe) as he spent them in his wooden bed. After lying in his bed for 2 periods of time it broke and he had to nail it back together. (The Joe)’s window was open when traveling businessman, Metacom Astley, saw him on the bed of nails. He had a great idea then he jumped for Joy, his demanding wife, into (The Joe)’s window and proposed a deal.

“I’ll have people pay money to hit you with a sledgehammer and whoever drives you through the nails wins a prize!” exclaimed Metacom.

(The Joe) was very hesitant and took over eight hours to make a decision. As (The Joe) awoke Metacom repeated himself and (The Joe) instantly agreed to work for free.

The kinda next day Metacom, Joy, and (The Joe) held their first exhibition. Sledgehammers were bouncing off of (The Joe)’s bluborious venter some day long until finally Joy stepped up to pound the many pounder. Joy had just found out that Metacom pocketed 2 extra chickens and a goat when the deal was to split the money fair. (The Joe) dodged her hammering hammer hammer. Joy then demanded that (The Joe) get back on the bed of nails. (The Joe) being the gentleman he was, never one to disappoint a lady, grabbed Metacom and threw him onto the bed of nails. Joy rushed to her husband’s side and laughed at him, the goat had broken some of his fall.

That night everyone had roast goat cabob with chicken feather sauce. Metacom called his painful experience on the bed of nails the most peaceful bed he had ever slept in. Yes (The Joe) had brought another couple into harmony once again. (The Joe) wondered what silliterated situation he’d get into next. He stood around waiting for it for a few dots …… then he decided to go home.

Previous Chapter Autobiography Contents Next Chapter



Written by Emperor MAR- August 17, 2007 & October 15, 2007

Piemerica.org House