(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 1
Chapter 6

The Dreaded Ankle Race - 778
(The Joe) knew that if he could win this ankle race that he'd be able to peel an onion anytime he wanted. But the questions continued to arise in his mind, "Do I want to? Do I even know what an onion is?"

Earlier that week (The Joe) started working on his new humble onion farm. How can an onion farm be humble? I don't know. I never really got the whole "words" thing. Anypath, (The Joe) wised up and started growing vegetables for his people at the advice of Metacom because he said it was all the rage in Abodrites. (The Joe) had a calm appreciation for rage so he promptly followed Metacom's advice. (The Joe) chose onions as the vegetable of choice because of the onion depeelers he had passed out previously to battle ineptitude related famine. (The Joe) thought if he named a "peeler" a "depeeler" that it would peel in reverse and thus create onions for everyone out of nothing. It didn't work. (The Joe) chalked up this impossibility to the fact that the English language didn't really exist yet rather than the fact that words and names no longer create matter.

(The Joe) was tired of only sleeping twice a week so he left his assistant, Ciniod the Imaginary Horseshoe, to farm the onions. Metacom tried to get (The Joe) to reconsider his decision a few days later because Ciniod was really lazy at farming on account that he don't exist. (The Joe) was furious at the idea and said, "This is an outrage! Or an inrage, or satisfying, yeah that is it." Furious about his satisfaction (The Joe) allowed Metacom's late friend Jia Fu to be the new onion farmer. Metacom pleaded with (The Joe) that dead people couldn't farm but (The Joe) confidently said, "He's under the ground so he can do a better job than we can."
(The Joe)'s moronicity caused Metacom to appeal straight to the Piemerican people who he rallied behind himself to challenge (The Joe) to a governing contest the only way he knew how, a dreaded ankle race! The ankle race was especially dreaded because it was so boring and impossible to drag yourself with just your ankles. Once the Piemerican people heard Metacom's dumb idea for the ankle race as he challenged (The Joe) they decided that they enjoyed enjoyment, rest, & pleasure far more than boring old 'control of our government and well being races' and left never to be written about again. Oh, except in this book and on the sign for the race that said "Come one, come all!" They would be included in the all. But other than that they were never written about again, at least not anything I've read, whoever I am.

(The Joe) was ready for the race because he was already laying in bed and he quickly won the race by a long shot because Odicin the Real Horseshoe shot Metacom in the ankle with a horseshoe arrow. Metacom did not like a life altering injury anymore than he liked losing ankle races. Metacom's wife Joy was broken hearted because she knew after this sentence that her character would never be mentioned in (The Joe)'s autobiography again. Joy was angry and attacked (The Joe) because not only had her husband been horseshoe arrowed but she was wrong about her assumption that (The Joe) wouldn't write about her attacking him in his book. Ciniod and Odicin placed bets on who would win the fight between Joy and (The Joe). But (The Joe) wouldn't hit a woman he'd only edit out how much she hit him.

(The Joe) then had a lot of time on his hands because Joy had knocked him cuckoo. (The Joe) was glad that only 4 girly slaps to his shoulder overthrew him as ruler because most of the time it takes hundreds of civilians dying to do something like that. Joy decided to make Ciniod the new ruler of Piemerica. (The Joe) was now a hip young ex-ruler who didn't have to spend all of his time getting yelled at by imaginary horseshoes.
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Brief Look at the History of the English Language
Jia Fu is a Chinese name (see 8th Century Chinese figures Jia Dan & Du Fu).
Iron horseshoes came into common use around 770. Ciniod the Imaginary Horseshoe first appears in the uncommon land of Piemerica in 775 before Piemerica has horseshoes but by 778 Piemerica does have horseshoes which explains the appearance of Odicin the Real Horseshoe.
Odicin's name is a rearrangement of Ciniod (see Ciniod I of the Picts who died in 775).


Written by: Emperor MAR
Written on: October 1-2, 2010, Edited April 25, 2013

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