(The Joe)'s Autobiography
Millennium 2: More Than Even I Wanted to Know

Book Drinking - 1555-1623

Reinhabiting a vessel in 1555, (The Joe) became a baby again.

In his new childhood (The Joe) once again tried to repeat every word & inanimate object in the Piemerican Dictionary & failed again. This started (The Joe)'s fascination with books but he could do nothing but read books. (The Joe) attempted to eat books but that failed as he had his teeth continually broke. (The Joe) tried to use books as slaves but he, after long years of trying found that books couldn't move on their own.

At the same time (The Joe) tried to play books as instruments & it worked. At age 15 [856] (The Joe) started a bank [band?] called Literature. The band failed massively as he had an all book band with the Piemerican Dictionary on lute, a Roman historical book on dulcimer, & himself throwing other books at them.

So he continued to try in the year 1610 to find new radical ways of using books. One of these attempts was to fly with thick heavy books. (The Joe) soon returned from the local physician to try a different way. (The Joe) next built chairs out of books. (The Joe) sold them to the wee ignorant lads of Piemerica. This was a success because they were custom made so people could read their favorite books without having to getup. (The Joe) got many chickens from this & (The Joe) kept them in a huge book shaped barn.

By 1612 (The Joe) was tired of the chair business & continued to experiment with books. (The Joe) tried to milk books & (The Joe) soon discovered books were made of tree & not animals [although later to be put to shame on this in light of Milking Logs]. Next (The Joe) used books to help bake from burning, it worked.

(The Joe) still and his common law pine apple tried newer things. (The Joe) decided to use the text to educate & in result of this the text book was invented. (The Joe) would not stop inventing.

"(The Joe) was the George Washington Carver of Books," once said by George Washington Carver.

(The Joe) in the light of war around the world divulged a defense system for Piemerica with books. Pointless & senseless books were put at the gate of the city. (The Joe) had this to say about it:

"We used the books to confuse & interest the enemies. When they came to the gate they picked up a book & read. Five books were used 1st green Carrot, which I later made into a song. It consisted on 240 blank pages held with rope & 2 pages with writing on it. 2nd the Piemerican Dictionary, used to interest, as it was the only dictionary at the time. 3rd the first children's book Bo Bo the Blinking Bongo. It read as this:

"Page One
Beaning Boat on a boasting by.

Page Two
Baffled box bin before banana bone

Page Three
But for Bo Bo the Blinking Bongo bingo bad

Page Four
Kat ceep kalm kore we cin kogot

Page Five
Flash Flash Boom Boom cater tarry loom soon hoop?

The End."

4th was known as Bob Dole's How to Book, that's correct we also tried to bore them. Finally, 5th (The Joe)'s book about book telling of my book experimentation & such, although I don't think I should have told them about the war plan in the book it caused much horn [savage beatings]. I continued until finally I found it.

In 1615 (The Joe) found that this new published literature could be drank. Yes his book dream came true & then (The Joe) discovered that Drinking Books gave him the strength of Popeye the Sailorman. (The Joe) kept this a secret until 1617. During those 2 years (The Joe) invented the "spout press" or as we call it the "printing press." When he did introduce this book drinking. All the doctors declared it better than water. (Back then doctors were idiots).

In his very own country he founded centuries ago, Piemerica, (The Joe) started a national Book Drinking contest. (This was before the word national was a cliché). (The Joe) always participated in the contest & always won & not because of death threats either! clears pen Book Drinking swept the world like a large vacuum cleaner. When (The Joe) heard "this" he declared Book Drinking to be officially called Drinking Books.

Even the theatre embraced Drinking Books as they sold books as beverages at shows or "performances" as they were called. (The Joe) opened Piemerican Books a Drinking Books pub because (The Joe), who opposes alcohol, knew how to make a good book. William Shakespeare, before moving to London in 1617, stopped by Piemerican Books & drank a few books. This seldomly recorded quote was said "To Drink a Book is to be inspired. I shalt now write many plays & I declare Piemerican Books the best of all. When these plays are written, I will mention Drinking Books in all of them." Shakespeare's rewriters took all signs of Drinking Books out. Drinking Books is only mentioned in original copies & drafts, but was performed at first. (The Joe) had this to say about it "I didn't he was no one at that point & as few know, because I can tell when they read this Shakespeare died in 1615 go figure."

(The Joe) known as the kind emperor of books was declared the greatest man to ever drink a book (at this point no one knew he wasn't human.... D'oh!).

(The Joe) ruled the Book Drinking industry with an iron fist after loosing his fist in an argument over who writes the best tasting books. (The Joe) suffered in Book Drinking contests because his hand was too heavy to lift & was unopenable. So (The Joe) decided to use this strange thing called science to turn his hand into a hand of an yokel's, but it didn't work so he had to settle for a chicken. When asked about this (The Joe) replied "I try to look on the bright side. I get free eggs instantly!" (The Joe) then went into a binge of replacing his limbs with animals. The 2nd to be a rabid dog as a left leg.

People began to say the Book Drinker had gone mad with thirst & money. (The Joe) took the coins & made metal books & drank them endlessly. (The Joe) began to suffer in his contests & barely won each time. (The Joe) next got his four (4) fingers replaced as follows: index: box; middle: gerbil; ring: small bird?; pinky: electrical outlet.

(The Joe) then went to Africa to try to introduce Drinking Books to that place. When there, (The Joe) discovered the Africans cooked food in deep oils. (The Joe) then left, because his chicken was ill. On the way back to Piemerica (The Joe) discovered his chicken hand was dead. Even though his shipmates insisted it had been dead since they left Piemerica. So once he got to Piemerica he plucked the chicken & cooked it African style. (The Joe) still had his nerves connected to the chicken & shoved his hand into hot oil. (The Joe) said "It felt like when I lick bar-b-q sauce off my pinky finger." (The Joe) called it fried chicken because of the shoddy cooking pot that was hot.

Following this (The Joe) replaced his hand with a midget which brought him back to his old Book Drinking self. Reflecting upon this time in his life (The Joe) said, "Wrapped out a beehive, storm lane upon the back of the front of a favor. Drinking Books fan cob lock age." With his new midget hand (The Joe) broke Book Drinking records like never before. Now it was 1622 after his long African trip. (The Joe) winded poorly yet his damage was toucan for good or so we thought.

(The Joe) soon began creating hard covers for his Drinking (adj.) Books. Now when a man is lost in the wilderness he could fill the cover with water without look like an idiot because he is drinking water rather than a book. Then (The Joe) decided to take hostages in the wake of this book cover product as promotion. (The Joe) then noticed & said "We're under attack by hostages!" (The Joe) & his servants discovered the hostages were Neo non Book Drinking Ninjas. (The Joe) had to do something about this, so he Drank a Book. As noted earlier Drinking Books gave (The Joe) the power of Popeye the Sailorman. (The Joe) soon cleverly influenced the Ninjas to read one of his books. Dumbfounded as the Ninjas were (The Joe) threw them to the curb.

The servants came back to (The Joe) & said "We've examined the lightster droor sir, no petty leaf soaks to be found."
(The Joe) hearing this was crushed, by a Neo non Book Drinking Ninja that was hiding on the roof & lost its grip.. of reality & while thinking too hard began to scratch its chin. (The Joe)'s midget hand told everyone to be calm & he'll check on
(The Joe). Well the midget hand, being the idiot that it was from being around (The Joe) too much, declared (The Joe) dead.

While loading (The Joe) into the Insta-GraveTM, another great invention by (The Joe), (The Joe) awoke & pleaded he was not dead. No one believed (The Joe) at 1st, until a talking book mystically appeared in New Jersey. Although completely unaware of this, the servants started burying (The Joe). (The Joe)'s midget hand realized that it would die too, so it told the others about (The Joe) being alive.

Being betrayed by his midget hand (The Joe) ridded himself of it. The Book Drinker was back down to one rabid dog leg & an assortment of finger substitutes. So what did he do? (The Joe) Drank Books of course. I mean he really Drank Books. We're talk'n a whole lot of books here. The amount of Books Drinken was so high that the trees of the world were virtually gone.

The gov'na of Platapus Island realized the danger of (The Joe)'s Book Drinking habit. Gov'na Skies, as he was known, formed a plan to set up (The Joe) in a Book Drinking contest with a poisoned book. "It will be tough" noted Gov'na Skies "For (The Joe) knows of all the perils of books." Gov'na Skies directly challenged a broken (The Joe) to a Book Drinking contest. (The Joe) bookingly said, "Ok but if my cranberry crow stool gets locked, I'll.. Drink a Book."

The devious plan of the gov'na was to place a leaf in the book, not just the wooden part. Gov'na knew that leaves cause unspeakable pain when drinken. For no one knows the Pain of Leaf. (The Joe) lifted his book & triumphantly drank, as Gov'na Skies sat back & looked on. It got cool outside & (The Joe) began to sweat, feeling the pain of leaf for the first time. (The Joe) got suspicious & then he died. Being an extremely fresh leaf the Pain of Leaf killed (The Joe). Gov'na Skies was noted for ending Book Drinking & saving the world. But to prevent this tragedy from happening again, both (The Joe) & Gov'na Skies were wiped from history.

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Credits:

Written by: (The Joe) & (The Joe) Legend
Written on: January 16, 17, & 19, 2001; November 5, 2002

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