(The Joe) grew tired of underground farming with a sponge and his nectar balancing light lit his heart. The day time was a portage kaleidoscope of crackled arbitraries. The night time was timeless and without a load bearing wall to soothe the kitchen sense.
(The Joe) understood lifetimes being shortened by hungering lightening chalices and also knew that a head of lettuce was equal to the brain of an oak. (The Joe) thought a lot but some say he only thought about himself in order to keep his bodily functions functioning and sustain life.
(The Joe) soon became the greatest philosopher of his time. Making every cinnamon count (The Joe) won the Cold Melt Seat Prize in 1487. From then on (The Joe) was holographed by all the trains.
“Sneezle crow I can calculate” (The Joe) said accepting the prize.
The Cold Melt Seat Prize was cold and hot and wet so (The Joe) stood up in front of singles of people and artichokeyily declined the prize. (The Joe) was hosed off by.. well let’s see there were no hoses. ..by.. a lake and walked away from the prestige. (The Joe) decided to think some more thoughts about carpet lungs and bastille inches.
(The Joe) asked the great question that wouldn’t be asked again until 1946, "If that simulated wheat goat is simulated it’s not really a wheat goat is it?"
(The Joe) believed he should not have to go to school if he cannot walk on his 7/12 pitch rippled tin roof. This type time of thinking amazed geniuses and confused idiots and geniuses alike. People wondered what was this school thing he spoke of and why would he also yell, “Next et fern miligarf!” every time he got scared.
(The Joe)’s ramblings became so bizarre that horses began to call him a poet as well.
“Frost cart spurned fractured honesty forevermore.” (The Joe) quoted himself.
A frazzled team of literary & intellectual thugs warned (The Joe) “Stop being so smart and weird you’re making us look bad.”
(The Joe) didn’t care and readily said this, “The largest star I know of is Vv~cephei. What is the largest you know of? The sun? Puhlease, what a joke.”
Thus the hypergiant star VV Cephei was later named in honor of (The Joe)’s completely made up star.
(The Joe)’s hunger for knowledge grew and grew until he learned that food doesn’t go to the brain. (The Joe) slyly walked up to some foxes and told them this. The foxes looked at (The Joe) like a lamb looks at a stew pot and promptly drug their fat heads away.
(The Joe) had to tell someone about his latest discovery, that people can talk. (The Joe) made sure to speak first so no one he told it to could prove him wrong. Everyone (The Joe) tried to talk to was already talking to someone else. (The Joe) was deeply embarrassed about just now noticing that people could talk, so embarrassed that he became a hemit. (The Joe) refused to be called a hermit due to his membership in the men only society Head and Limbs in which he had to resign from in order to be a hemit.
Now for (The Joe)’s exciting life spent as a hemit. (The Joe) walked into a cave and stood around. (The Joe) then stood aflat, he stood asquare, he stood atriangle, he stood anothershape. (The Joe), as a hemit, realized he had to stop acting like a cheerleader.
He then thought to himself, “Truly being a cheerleader is one whom gives reason to cheer so for I to stop would be unprideful which is unmanly.”
So (The Joe) stood adigon, he stood aicsagon, he stood arbelos to protect himself from bats, then he tried to stand acute but that wouldn’t even work in the darkness of the cave. Finally (The Joe) stood aarchimedean-aspiral. This sent (The Joe) flying or falling as some would put it, into a hole which landed him on the other side of the world.
(The Joe) had discovered the Americas. The history of America’s naming is historically unclear because (The Joe) decided to name America after Piemerica as if it were it’s little sister. (The Joe)’s Autobiography claims that he named the land America to write his congressman if the need should arise.
(The Joe)’s first act of being the only guy around was to weep and complain about how lonely he was. Suddenly (The Joe) was approached by a Great, Huge Bear who asked him to spare some sugar for a little girl or old woman he was eating. (The Joe) didn’t have any sugar but he did have some boots so he threw them and kicked the Great, Huge Bear in the butt with his bare feet and he told the Great, Huge Bear to “take a hike.”
Hours later the Great, Huge Bear returned.
“You got any sugar yet?” the Great, Huge Bear asked (The Joe).
“No I don’t have any sugar. I have better things to do than look for sugar,” (The Joe) replied.
“Ha ha! Like what stand in the middle of this evenly terrained field waiting for bears to talk to you?” the Great, Huge Bear said like a bear.
“Yeah I’m still waiting for the second bear to talk to me. So yes that is exactly what I have to do!” (The Joe) instigated.
“Y’know somebody sat in my cub’s chair, and has sat the bottom of it out! Now you look like the type of fatty that could do just that!” said the Great, Huge Bear, in his great, rough, gruff voice.
(The Joe) continued unafraid, “Hey bub, I just got here, don’t go blaming me just because you keep your window open!”
The Great, Huge Bear roared at (The Joe) and was about to strike him until a Little, Small, Wee Bear came up and shouted, “No father don’t kill him! I broke my own chair!”
The Great, Huge Bear roared at the Little, Small, Wee Bear, “I should make like a real bear and leave you with your mother!”
The Great, Huge Bear reached back his paw with a fury about to strike the Little, Small, Wee Bear until he saw something out of the center of his eye.
“Hey is that sugar?” The Great, Huge Bear wondered.
“Yes father I knew you would want it that is why I came.” said the Little, Small, Wee Bear, in his little, small, wee, sharp, shrill voice.
“Well it looks like I’ve just heard from that second bear I’ve been waiting for, so I’ll be on my way now..” (The Joe) said as he slinked away.
“Just a second!” the Great, Huge Bear had not finished.
(The Joe) stood there for what seemed an eternity, the light changing colors around him, the breeze shifting countless times, and just when his legs felt so tired that he was about to collapse the Great, Huge Bear spoke.
“Ok, it has been a second you can go.”
(The Joe) collapsed from exhaustion and the bears went on their merry way. Ears of maze standing close by heard all of what went on and passed on the story throughout generations until one man had the mind to write down what was the story of (The Joe) and the Two Bears which had by that time been skewed to a story of an old lady and three bears.
(The Joe) was awoke by native people of his newly named America. At this time the natives called (The Joe)’s America Nokose Ote (Bear Island). The natives were scared of (The Joe) fearing he was a strange breed of bear due to his fat and hairy outward appearance. After hearing him speak they called him “Ki cepe waslolye sni mato” or “The fat dumb bear.”
(The Joe) was invited to “Ki Woyute Ataye Tezi Witaya” or “The Food Meet Stomach Gather” where tribes from all over Bear Island (the continental U.S.) met to eat and trade languages.
(The Joe) learned that these natives were actually tribes from different, much larger planets, which decided to settle on earth for its rich tapestry of tapestry making materials. (The Joe) told the natives about his home planet and how some Jews would write about it in a picture book some 400 years plus later potentially making (The Joe) a cultural icon. The natives asked (The Joe) how he knew the future, to which he replied “Let’s just say the book was written after the fact.”
Being surrounded in all of what he never knew (The Joe) became fraught by thoughts of the falsified reconciliations which he had been a part of for such a long time. (The Joe) was cornered by a reality he had not elected to trust before. Seeing food transited about him, (The Joe) reneged on his cogitation and partook in the pabulum of the crepuscule’s fête champêtre.
(The Joe) began to miss America’s Big Brother, Piemerica and 15 years later caught the first ship back to Europe.
|Previous Chapter||Autobiography Contents||Next Chapter|