(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 2
Milking Logs - 1641

(The Joe)’s spirit hid in a cave & mourned due to the loss of Book Drinking. In 1614 (The Joe), wondering through the woods, found a bearded woodsman with a large supply of fire logs behind his log cabin. (The Joe) decided to inhabit his vessel because he was a secluded man.

It was the summer of 1641. (The Joe) found himself with an excessive amount of logs & no need for heat. (The Joe), being the inventive being he is, thought to himself that there must be something else one can do with logs aside use for heating & building.

(The Joe) used his genius method of doing things that rhyme with usages of objects to discover new usages. So (The Joe) tried using logs for beatings instead of home heatings. (The Joe) couldn’t find anyone to savagely beat with the logs except himself. Even though he couldn’t remember his last one (The Joe) knew that concussions were bad things.

(The Joe) then tried eating logs. It was just like corn on the cob! Except your teeth broke out. Eating logs proved far too challenging even for toothless Joe), (The. (The Joe)’s final attempt at eating logs occurred when he baked them into pies. (The Joe) turning away to spit in disgust declared, “Even cow pies have their advantages over this Log Pie.”

(The Joe) suddenly remembered how he had invented cow pies from beef & milk. “The beef part of the log may taste bad but what about the milk?” (The Joe) thought. (The Joe) then set course for desert & tried to milk a log… builds suspense…………

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The log milking was a complete success! (The Joe) finally had something good enough to write his congressman about. “I just wish I had single handedly established the United States of America earlier” said (The Joe), reflecting upon his congressional excitement. (The Joe) didn’t care so he wrote his congressman anyway in this letter now recorded here:

Dear Mr. ***

Adjective glass congry, you ‘ot mill on down to cabin #4 & see my great new idea of milking a log. I know you’re busy spilling [real controversy] & refilling rain puddles under that new law you voted to be in lawed.

I sell kites too if you are interested, box. Call me sometime & we’ll do midnight snack.

And if you ever get into trouble such as:

Lawn Fire, Misappropriated Elf Waxing, Seat Cone Coolings, Bee Hive Repair Unit, Toilet Assistant, Lard Smith, Dual Lung Theft, Canteens Of Beans, Arm Chair Murder, Paranoid Security Guards, Red Cape Lemoning Administrator, Accidental Cure For Cancer, Speed Boat Diving, Axe Inspection, Leaf Binding, Olive Coupling, Or Excess Of Money call my lawyer Lawen Crook O’Malley at 1-Bhundred-RAM SCAM. He’ll get you out of any crime on time for tee time.

Yours Truly,
(The Joe) The Secret Lawyer
Whoops Erases The Secret Lawyer

Ok so (The Joe) milked a log big beal deal that will make your heart feal right? (The Joe) milked the log & got loggardness all over the ground as the log became a shelling shill of bark, for real! (The Joe) now needed to find a use for the logardness liquid (?). (The Joe) dug a big ditch with his handy log shovel (shaped like a sharp hand). (The Joe) filled the ditch with much logardness. (The Joe) dove in but he ended up all wet if you don’t believe it you wanna bet? No! Please don’t.

(The Joe) frustrated with excess logardness went back inside his cabin to read a book but it was too dark so he accidentally drank it instead. (The Joe) found that it tasted great & gave him the strength of Popeye the Sailorman & thus invented drinking books! Oh wait he already invented drinking books but he did think to himself “hmm..” then he thought “umm…” and finally he thought “Books are made of Tree & logs are made of trees so..” Part of a sudden (The Joe) leapt into the air & hit his head because the woodsman was a log hoarder thus he didn’t build his log cabin very high.

(The Joe) awoke with his book spilt on his log floor. (The Joe) cried aloud over his empty book cover. (The Joe) tried to scoop up what he could into the cover but he got more than he bookend for as he also scooped up some logardness which ran off of him from when he was soakied & passed out. (The Joe) drank the book & declared “W-hats! This is the best book I’ve ever drunken!” Just as he said it the book cover was empty & the greatest book had been drunken.

(The Joe) curiously went out to the log pool & scooped up some logardness into his quasi-empty book. Shake handedly (The Joe) drank the book & all was right in his world again for this book was paramount to all other books he had drank. No writer could have forged a book this divine. (The Joe) knew only The Lord, grower of trees, could have made a book so pure & delicious.

(The Joe) was delighted so delighted that he wrote his congressman again:


Dear Mr. ***

I don’t know what the hap is in congritown but here in the Piemerican woodlands I’ve discovered the tastingest greatest book I’ve ever greatest.. I mean tasted! That log milking I wrote you about is what which I speechalize Daddio! That logardly milk is pure Textable Accord. But don’t just take my word for it because that would be theft. I dig that you can’t leg foot to me so I’ll historicalize my discovery in a new vessel round way of hapnin peeps. Stay on the look back for me as I try to keep some credit to the name of (The Joe). No pages no leaf, eh congry? I will be legend some day you’ll see...

Keep your arms down in the fight so they’ll know it's fixed. Hope is a cream you put on your eyelids. Don’t fall, it's better to take a trip. Wind isn’t just rain & the sky isn’t just cold. Wake an envelope wombat & freeze your holed sole yet again.

Deductively Ours,
(The Joe) The Log Milker

(The Joe) couldn’t stay in the woods & spread the reprise of book drinking & the newest craze of log milking. (The Joe) left the woodman’s body & traveled onto a more suitable place & man to spread drinking books once again.

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Milking Logs
Written by:  Emperor MAR
Written on:   February 17, 2006

Piemerica.org House