(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 2
The Tasty Toast Tale - February 1909

“I was very poor for a while. I did live in a house.. but it was an outhouse.” (The Joe) reflected.

“I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps but unfortunately I had sold my boots for shoes & I sold one of my shoes for a sock then I sold the sock for a boot & I sold the boot for a shoe. Oh yeah I then I sold the shoes for a big truck.”

As he was walking (The Joe) had stumbled upin the shoes of John Smith because they were too large for him. (The Joe) found some sucker who believed these tennis shoes actually belonged to the famous John Smith & traded the shoes for a truck.

“I soon found out that the truck belonged to the first traveling salesman Oswald Ted Endswald. Apparently he wanted to be ‘buried in his truck.’ Lucky for me he was mummified then cremated. I’m actually not sure if it was him or just a old potted plant. Since there were no windows in that part of the truck I assumed it to be him because who would leave a plant away from the light it so desperately needs?”

(The Joe) began a traveling bread toasting service he called (The Joe)’s Lust for Crisp Crust.

“No one had ever toasted sliced bread before. They called it the best thing since sliced bread but then it got really complicated because you can’t have one without the other. The people would argue until they were blue in the face because I also painted faces for a half a penny, good thing for me there were a lot of two faced people in town.” (The Joe) chuckled.

“Sad story about why I used blue paint. I had to stop using the cheaper black face paint I originally bought. Some innocent people disappeared because of that miscalculation. Yep the blue was cheaper in the long run.”

(The Joe) had a multidollar business by the end of his first day.

“To go from no money to a multidollaire in one day had never occurred before. I was even on the cover of the highly revered Cal Freedman’s Cows and Business Magazine. It took ol’ Cal about 3 years before he made his first second dollar. Of course in a town of four people and 2 cows it took his magazine a while to catch on.”

The invention at first wasn’t called toast or toasting, (The Joe) originally named it Blacrustbreading. (The Joe) rented out the White House to have a celebration of his success. President Roosevelt proposed a toast to Blacrustbreading and it’s revolution. (The Joe) then interrupted the President grabbed his glass and proposed a ‘toast to toast.’

“If I would have known he had polio I probably wouldn’t have pushed him out of his wheelchair” regaled (The Joe).

“Actually you’re referring to FDR not Teddy,” pointed out (The Joe)’s publicist.

“Well then I must have shoved him later on.” (The Joe) astuted.

Toast had actually been around for hundreds of years but America’s hatred for the French & English caused (The Joe) to get credit for the invention.

“Hey it was because I invented the electric toaster.” (The Joe) rudely interrupted.

“Rude? You’re the rude one, writing & talking about me however you choose. You need some manners.” (The Joe) foolishly said.

I have manners now shut up before I drink your book straight out of it’s cover.

“You monster! You’re wasting everyone’s time writing this all down,” (The Joe) ignorantly said like an ignoramus.

Ha! Your life story is what is wasting everyone’s time.

(The Joe) runs away sobbing like a girl.

“Hey I didn’t do that! Don’t lie to the people,.” choked out (The Joe).

You mean how you’ve lied about all of the inventions you’ve made.

“Is the sunset a lie? Is a dream a lie? If it is then the sun might as well set for the very last time..” (The Joe) said like a pretentious idiot.

“I bought some of Siberia for a few dollars and named it Piemerica. The citizens in the U.S. didn’t like what I did so they voted to deport me. To further spite my decision they put all of my old fliers and newspaper reports talking about me in one of my very own toasters & burn them all up. GE could never steal enough ideas. Then they took my pal Cal Freedman and painted his face black and that was the last time I talked to him. I wonder what happened to ol’ Cal.”


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Written by Emperor MAR- March 27, 2007

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