(The Joe)'s Autobiography Millennium 2
Thick Ice, Fat Man - May 1964

It was a cold day in the southern hemisphere as (The Joe) and his colleague Rickey Bridge trailed the scoundrelous flower thief Legwit Van Voon. (The Joe) covered with obesity was impervious to the cold but rich ol’ Rickey was frozen solid. As hunger settled in on (The Joe), having not eaten for 2 minutes, (The Joe) had no choice but to eat the frozen Rickey. From that day onward (The Joe) vowed to never again name his popsicles yet he continued to name other people’s popsicles just to mess with them.

As (The Joe) supposedly closed in on Van Voon (supposedly because this story isn’t told from the perspective in which the location of Legwit is known) (The Joe) immediately caught him after being thrown into the air by a very manly, flower hating, land goat. Van Voon began to apologize to (The Joe) but then sped off as if he was sliding on ice. (The Joe) was astonished at the sight wondering if he was now dealing with a super-villain. (The Joe) began sliding as well, fearing that he was being pulled in by Van Voon’s superpowers.

(The Joe) skillfully fell through the ice as it could no longer hold his weight. A thin seal, by comparison, saved (The Joe)’s life as he gave him something to eat while drowning. (The Joe) found Von Voon hiding in his blubber and turned into a super duper ship which sailed Von Voon to justice instead of just ice.

The people with gloves applauded (The Joe) for his effort. (The Joe)’s last words to Von Voon before they threw away the key to his cell, by accident, were “You should have never named yourself after a popular comic book villain. It just makes it so obvious that you’re evil, duh! Think once in a while would you?”

(The Joe) left the jail and Voon immediately escaped because they had thrown away the key before they locked him in! Legwit soon found out that crime doesn’t pay as he stole things around town without paying for them. He was going to steal flowers but the winter, his arch nemesis, had killed them all, so he just stole things with flowered designs. Little did he know that (The Joe) had a flower Tat-one on his left eye (this was before there were Tat2s or Tattoos as they are called these days, if it is even possible to make such a statement when these days are in the eyes of the read-holder).

(The Joe), armed with a hammer was posing for a box when his right eye caught Legwit stealing his left eye. (The Joe) was not happy so he cried and told Legwit’s mom what he had done. Mrs. Voonschwitz grounded Legwit from gardening all winter long. Legwit then tried to kill (The Joe)! with kindness and invited him over for dinner one night that week. Mrs. Voonschwitz slapped Legwit and said, “What are you doing you idiot! (The Joe)’s the fattest man alive! We could never feed him! Retract that offer now mister!”

Legwit then said to (The Joe), “I should have asked my mom first, she’s busy umm.. mothering me all week and for the rest of my life so you can’t come over to eat, sorry.”

Having visited a swamp earlier in the week (The Joe) cried crocodile tears as the townspeople walked away shivering with disgust.

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Written by Emperor MAR- May 15, 2007

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