Aquarius

It's time to reveal your secret that you still wet the bed so people will have a little more sympathy for you & your smell.

Pisces

Don't sign any releases from local news organizations. They've been following your hobby of chicken drowning & you'll want to have your face blurred on tv so that your vegan significant other doesn't break up with you.

Gamera

After you knock down your record 10,000th building celebrate by watching your step. There are a lot of ambulances down there.


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Cancer

Tonight a referee will appear in your bedroom & flag you for illegal blanket hogging.

Leo

You're gonna get cancer & by that we mean you're going to change your birth date identity to a Cancer. Congratulations on becoming transzodiac.

Peter Pan

Pinocchio will come to Neverland & weep about all his distant cousin trees that you killed to make your treehouses.


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Virgo

There's someone in your bushes with a camera taking pictures of.. nightcrawlers.

Libra

Today you'll look forward to something that you won't get. Also you'll win a million dollars (& not sand dollars this time).

Scooby

Tonight you'll find out that your loving former owner wasn't dead & was just pretending to be a ghost to get rid of you.


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Scorpio

You're getting a promotion & so is every other Scorpio in your building. The competition will be tough but the formula of luck + leadership - lethargy x lung capacity ÷ leechings³ will make you rise to the top as The Scorpio King.

Sagittarius

The movie you made in your basement with your cat will be beaten at the box office by Spider-Man: Homecoming. But the fact that you got that thing into 400 theatres is truly a testament to your.. father's bank account size.

Pontiac

Don't let strangers sit on your tailgate unless they bring a cooler of free drinks. And stop imagining driving off that cliff. The guardrail would stop you so you'd have all the pain & none of the thrill.


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Capricorn

Never give up on your primary goal of breaking the world record for unassisted sleeping.

Aries

Meeting your true love is just around the coroner. Volunteer as an autopsy assistant & once you see how gently the coroner handles hearts you'll be wishing you were dead while never having felt so alive.

Jamba Juice

You're sweet & fun to be around. Don't lose your cool or you'll find yourself in the dumps.


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Taurus

A W shaped letter will find its way into your last name. Don't worry, it's just a typo, don't get any lawyers involved.

Gemini

Today is a great day to stay in bed under 40 lead blankets to breed empathy for patients stuck in hospitals that still use medieval metallic sheets.

Coleco

Don't get angry at people who wear shirts with your name on them who've never known you. They just like how your name looks & they love referencing for the sake of referencing so much that to them the Bibliography is the most exciting part of a book.


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Aquarius

Now is the time to get into identity theft. Stealing the identity of a waiter is best. All you have to do is wear the right outfit in the right place & people will just hand you their money & credit cards.

Pisces

Your talents of getting wasted are getting wasted at your sobercentric occupation. Quit your job or better yet go in drunk. Start the party early.

Clydesdale

Take the endorsement deal from Coca-Cola. They have Santa! You can meet Santa! He'll love your reindeer cosplay! We promise. & Watch out for CGI bears!


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Cancer

As you travel abroad be on the lookout for a potential mate. The language barrier improves relationships because you get to play charades together like all the time.

Leo

Put your best foot forward, in a kicking motion, because kicking makes you feel cool.

Lionel

You'll never be the most famous Lionel, unless you're Lionel Richie. Hey wait you ARE Lionel Richie! WOW! We LOVE you! Could you sign our horoscope?



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She-Ra

When you  pawn your Sword of Protection make sure to pick an upstanding pawn shoppe based on it's Yelp reviews.


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Scorpio

It's time to forgive yourself for drowning that family of wasps with a tartar sauce hose. Take a tour of Seattle's best basements to calm your nerves.

Sagittarius

The position of the asteroid belt will affect your bowels. Loosen your own belt, or if you are not wearing a belt, retie the extension cord that is hold up your pantaloons.

Akebono

Use porkchopsticks to devour your athletic rice bowls. Soon you will be able to have a match against a VW Bug. Make sure to throw the fight so VW pays you well.


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Capricorn

Today you will face an inconvenience regarding health or finance or relationships or the moistness of a hand-towel. Hang in there & be diligent to keep your cool & not freak out & stab out the tires of the neighbor kid's bike. His parents won't have the money to replace those tires for weeks. There's no use in stabbing a flat tire.

Aries

The rhythms of Jupiter's beat-boxing will disrupt your test run of picnic brunch at the lake. Try again next week as Jupiter will be into classical Spanish guitar by then. It's accompaniment will heartfeltly make your six kinds of melon balls taste sweeter than honey slathered on a sunbeam.

Cletus

Your 12 possum stew will receive accolades (yee-haws) at your cousin's dog's funeral. Don't get a big head about it because the only way to combat the tooth rotting result of using Fruit Gushers instead of beans in the stew is to have your ma brush yer teeth with a hammer.


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Taurus

Your new coworkers will finally stop making fun of you for showing up shirtless in trunks with a towel to your first carpool after you shame them for expecting you to sport gender normative beachwear like the rest of them.

Gemini

Your tawdry love story about a sentient pizza, "Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' from the Oven" will be rejected for the 346th time. Resist the urge to shop your manuscript around Germany because doing so will get you killed & even worse plagiarized.

Megazord

Your realization that the tiny voices inside of you are teens prejudice against size challenged monsters will make for a cathartic session with your therapist, Dr. Son of Godzilla.


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Aquarius

Your pursuit of love & happiness will hit an offramp as you find that hate & happiness is a lot easier to obtain. The judgmental path you take will ruin the lives of everyone around you but you'll feel so smug you'll only notice as you are on your desolate adjacent death bed.

Pisces

"Follow your dreams with waking up, ya lazy gud fur nuthin' sponge!"

is what your horoscope for today will say because of our guest writer, your step-dad.

Jumbalaya

No, no one else is ever gonna write another famous song about you. Now get in my mouth! I love you but I suck at writing songs.


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Cancer

Today your life long dream will come true making it a half-life long dream. Sorry to break it to you but today is the exact midpoint of your life. Visit our auntie site TimeAndDate.com to find out how many days old you are today & just how few days you have left. TimeAndDate.com, "It's about time!"

Leo

You will find a magical pair of shoes, not cool magic, but like stage magic. So essentially the shoes have a secret compartment that can hold a dove. And to clean out the previous dove's bones you'll need supplies from our distant cousin site BirdCorpseCleaning.com. BirdCorpseCleaning.com, ♫"You'll no longer have to answer, 'What's that smell?'"♫

Noob Saibot

Your new job, shilling to people to visit our great grandfather site MortalKombat.com will come to a euphoric end after you uppercut a camel & it viciously tramples you into Nirvana, the heaven for video game characters. MortalKombat.com, "They're not mortals if they're alive for the next match."


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Virgo

The local bully will discover the terrible secret of your underwear drawer, that you always go commando. Repurpose your drawer as an indrawer rutabaga garden.

Libra

While you read this your car is being towed, look out your window now! If you read this again your car will be towed back free of charge (possibly only due to illegal haggling).

Cobra Commander

Branding is great for an evil empire. The Joe will try to break your graphic designer free to help their image. Put some Pop Rocks in Destro's mouth & play the sound over the loudspeaker to scare them off.


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Scorpio

You will notice that in Spanish none of the days of the week start with a T and that Mexicans must be really sad because they can't have Taco Tuesday. You will then proceed to patron their dining establishments for Tamale Thursday to cheer them up.

Sagittarius

You are capable of handling anything bad that will come your way today except the poisoned lemonade that will end your ability to have a lineage. We told you last week you shouldn't fire your taste tester for budgetary purposes. Let that be a warning to the rest of you!

Meowzie

Your 10th birthday will be everyone's ideal birthday, a lot of sleeping, eating, & cuddling.


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