Lesson Rejects Reinspired

For every lesson that was rejected as too bad for our book Lesson Mania 2 I've written a new lesson inspired by them. These lessons were used as daily lessons between October 2017-May 2018. Lessons in Jan-May 2018 comprise exclusively of these rejects. All in all there were 206 rejects &
rewrites.
This page shows the original rejects on the left & matches them with the newly inspired lessons on the right.

January Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
New lessons inspired by January Rejects:
If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong place but remember this:  Eat bread it make glass shine. A bottle is not a loaf of bread made of glass.
Only drunks can truly make racial slurs. If you have a conversation with a drunk about race you can use the slurring of their words to claim they made racial slurs even if they didn't say anything offensive.
2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies. When you die you get a choice to go back to earth as either a ghost or a zombie. No one has ever picked zombie, for obvious reasons. But when this generation of nerds dies we'll start seeing their fanboy & fangirl-isms culminating in them being the first humans to choose to come back as zombies. It will be a terrible mistake as their nerdier kids & grankids will be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse. But if someone hurries up & makes a really cool Casper movie the zombie apocalypse could be prevented.
The more rules one has the more rules there are to break. Rule #1 memorize the rules. Rule #246 Forgettabout the rules! Rule #247 ask someone, "What was the point of learning all those rules?"
Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs. Wearing glasses with tie dye lenses can help you break your annoying habit of throwing paint everywhere.
Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson. Become a misfortune teller, it's easier. "You will struggle financially." "You will worry about your family." "You will stub your toe really hard on multiple Saturdays."
Just because we're made from dirt doesn't mean it's better than us. When someone treats you like dirt it could mean that they dig you!
Don't live in the schlums become a bum. When someone says, "I'm slummin' it today," they probably aren't talking about feuding with their landlord.
Generals can't do usual things. Next time you say, "Generally speaking, " follow it up with your Patton impersonation.
WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but anyway:
Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!
Saying "that" is not saying "much."
An excon is the 3rd worst kind of con. On a scale of A-Z an excon is the 3rd worst kind of con, wycons are still in jail & zecons are on death row. And on an aacon is| Hey! I said this was a scale of A-Z not A-ZZ! EDITOR! Please remove the errant portion of this lesson. ~Forever ours, Writer.
Online comics always get a good response, lol. If you hit someone in the face with a comic book opened to a page where Superman is punching, Paper Superman will come to life! He is very brittle & is ruined when wet, but he can still fly, although even the slightest micro-kilometer of wind can throw him off course.
If the 1st gear won't turn & the 2nd gear won't turn. The 3rd gear isn't going to listen to you either. You best learn the difference between gears & sprockets because our future robot overlords will give us all a pop quiz & you'll feel really embarrassed if you fail.
It has been said, "When all else fails try Jesus." But if he succeeds why not try Him first? When all else fails try try again until they automatically move you up to the next grade for failing for too long. Score!
February Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by February Rejects:
When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after it because it's usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road. Amazingly walking into a traffic jam will leave you less sticky than walking into non-jammed traffic.
Trees grow faster when they're small. Picture this:  The smallest trees are the hardest to climb.
Ever heard of a sleep-walker? No. That's because they try not to wake anyone up. No one is really into speed-walking. Everyone you see doing it is just a sleep-speed-walker sleeping in.
Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets. Never believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv, skix, spleven, estorch, ninook, & zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as numbers despite there being infinite numbers!
Read something twice so it will sound familiar. Dejavu happens because you from the future whispers things that will happen to you in your ear for 3 hours every night.
Tip of the Iceberg:  "I think you're the one that's slippery." If you're broke the best place to keep spare ice is your wallet.
You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube. If you're broke the best place to keep spare carrots is your socks.
If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out. When you have to write tall give it your all!
Jesus is the Rock So Rock Music is good Time was, many moons ago, when someone said, "Let's go listen to some rock music" it was a way of saying, "It's time for a stonin'. The screaming of a man being stoned to death is music to my ears!"
You can run for position of Judge at any age. Every obstacle course should be run in a judge robe because you'll still feel like a big shot if you foul up.
When using an appliance sure the start button may seem like a good way to use it but what about the on button? All missing buttons are stolen by warrior mice who use them to make colorful armor.
Want to become president of something but just can't be elected? Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to. The right idea could earn you millions.. of seconds of disappointment after you lose your prototype because you just had to show it to the girl running the exit of the corn maze. Now she didn't see it & your life is ruined. This'll learn ya to keep records young man. Yes it will. Shoulda done a 3D model that you could 3D print. So many Ds missed.
Don't regret, regress. The good old days were good young days.
You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills. If you put fish sticks in your aquarium an entrepreneurial fish may just use em to build its own castle. And The Big Bad Wolf™ won't be able to blow it down either. If he huffs too hard too close he may choke. And that children is why fish is healthier for you than pork.
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Where I come from water doesn't get ice cold, ice gets water cold." Fly to Chile & cook some chili with chili peppers & ice. You can call it chilly Chile chili chili.
If you take away the 'y' in "It's all your fault" "It's all our fault" Your falling apart:  Your our ur r
Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you. Gold can never love you back. But if you coat your friends in gold..
The reason God chastens us is because we’re running The reason we don't hear from God much is because he's running water & that's a big job.
When going on a car trip the best way to ensure you get there is keep enough gas in it to not run out. A gas tank doesn't have any armor.
Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful.
...
That is all.
Squelch stress by getting chocolate beepers that beep to remind you to eat them.
It is smart to scratch most itches but not all if abiding by public decency laws. Bug bites by not scratching them.
Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle. When old people take over the world, after all young people die from neck blood clots caused by looking down at phones all the time, all sidewalks will be converted to railroads, meaning they'll have rails on each side to help them get around.
March Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by March Rejects:
Humans have skin, Robots have tin, Time has when. When you don't have time, time has you.
Light Bulbs = Pro Fits
So don't come whining to me.
Like eyeballs, light bulbs are better to eat out of socket.
People rarely pass up a golden opportunity. That's because it's so valuable. What you value says a lot about you, if it's a robot you programmed to brag for you about how you can build robots.
When you build a staircase with just one stair it's a stair case. Put googly eyes on your steps so your stairs can stare at you.
You can't put a porkupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice. -Ross Perot 1996 You can't throw a queen worm at a wall, tickle it, & expect it to do your walrus's math homework.
It's always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob. The meat with the least calories is hand turkey.
It is said "shut your mouth & open your ears" yet during disasters the opposite is done. If fear makes you scream then bravery must inspire silence. So
If you are afraid of lasers you should be afraid of phasers also. Toy aren't meant to inspire fright but can with high cost, low stock or stepping upon at night.
Glass is shallow. Unlike regular lakes, glass lakes are far more dangerous when shallow.
Meetings are fleeting without eating. A meeting without eating is like a butt without seating. Sad.
Losing your mind is good for you but better still is taking it off and out. If giving your heart away makes you lose your mind sell your other organs too. You're on a roll!
Pie taste good and can be shared by all. To lose weight clean another's plate. All you'll lick is sauce & crumbs, all the taste & none of the TUMS®. A thinner waist & smaller bum. If you stay hungry eat a plum.
Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting. Mr. steady can be thrilling if he's being steady on a high wire.
Never let a witch tell you to be quiet for you would cease to exist. Having a silencer put to your mouth will quiet you indeed unless you love the taste & have to squeal with delight that you've finally found your El Dorado of flavor!
The newcomer is always undefeated. It's easier to beat the toughest fighter in the world than it is to sneak attack someone while you're in a real coma.
April Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by April Rejects:
Even a simple container busts when poorly smashed. Masons who are bad at smashing get smashed to make up for it.
??? Question Marks & question Phillips too, they shouldn't get off the hook. Many societies have come to ruin by not questioning Phillips.
Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however get you thrown into a mental ward. Do everything you can to avoid getting sent to the nut house. Squirrels be tearing that thing up.
A chemical reaction Everyday heroes do the dirty job of spilling disfiguring chemicals on strangers to create supervillains for superheroes to fight.
if you are looking for answers first you need questions. You can't have an answer without a question thus a phone's ring is actually a question.
16% 16% of positive numbers below 100 are are under 17.
Clown is the perfect occupation for cross dressers. In a few years clown will be its own gender.
If you're cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water. Keep teabags in your toilet tank to give you that 3rd world feelin'.
Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.
During a flood use your contact lenses as boats for your pet ants.
If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish. Vanity nooses are the next hot new fashion trend.
Money can be expensive so that is why it is important to save. Money has saved you plenty of times, return the favor & save it.
If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive. Whether you are hiding behind a fence or in front of a fence is dependent upon where your pursuer is located.
When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole is plugged. Peeing your pants is usually forgiven as an accident, peeing someone else's pants is not.
It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never ends. If you're ever at the end of a line, it probably isn't as a period.
You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my weight. People don't like scales because they weigh too much.
Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that is. Rocks have a hard time & it's the whole time they exist.
Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human race as long as they do not run in competitiveness. The next great despot will convert every house into a bounce house & the next sucky despot will shoot all the bouncy houses with murder guns.
Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task. Sculpting a sphere is a pointless task.
Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking the bad way. If you high five a Don't Walk sign you'll win a secret prize!
Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal. If you're so poor that you sleep on the toilet it's ok to wet the bed.
Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down. Guys who want to look buffer can shine their muscles to look buffereder.
If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it. We can put a man on the moon (like we etched that guy's face on there right?) But we can't make a dirt soup that doesn't turn into mud soup.
Calm is always easy before the storm. You never see robots having romantic moments in the rain during thunderstorms.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals. If you crawl everywhere you go you'll see more bugs because they will confront you for your unflattering imbugation of them.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some. If you drive everywhere backwards then you're sorta driving forwards cause you mean to & you're used to it.
If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed. Creepy as it is, collecting skeletons is the most acceptable form of slave ownership.
Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by. Trees can't juggle unless you throw them multiple chainsaws.
Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots inspired Tom Cruise’s role in Risky Business If you think, "machines were born to serve man" you don't think robots reproduce do you? You must know that 1 cheese slice doesn't impregnate another cheese slice until they have enough cheese kids to fill the rest of the package.
Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands on 'em. If you bury your flowers after they die don't put flowers on their grave after you visit it. Not only is it insensitive but you'll have to come back the next day & bury those flowers as well & it'll start a chain that will result in the extinction of flowerkind.
The only way to truly lie on a bridge is to get hit by a car. Then you are lying flat on the bridge. Laying down on a bridge is less acceptable than laying down as a bridge.
If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done. Sadly the only turkeys allowed in fallout bunkers are the ones that have already been pardoned by the president.
If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze. It's hard to tell if you're allergic to fleas or if there are just a whole lot of fleas biting you.
The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say, "Don't forget to give back my clock." Get time on your side by attaching a clock to the hip of your fanny pack.
Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom. In due course spiders will get revenge on us for sweeping up their homes by taking us to court with a really good lawyer.
Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within. Sometimes turning out the lights generates more electricity than it saves.
May Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by May Rejects:
Confiscating without cause is theft. Puritans' archaic witch tests were severely flawed. Anyone can float after you throw them into water. The real test is if you throw them into the air & they start floating.
If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck" Don't get into a wreck unless you're saving someone or something.
Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems. If you get caught streaking say, "I'm actually dressed up as a mouse because mice don't wear clothes."
Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you lose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there. Pretend you win everything & outshine the real winner's enthusiasm. You'll go viral & be more famous than the real winner.
Leaving a breadcrumb trail with one piece of bread is more dramatic…
Move to a third world country before you die. Let us not change our address until our address changes us.
If you don't care forever you don't care at all. May we not get to the point where we feign interest in our own words just because someone else is interested in what we are saying.
Water is better than fodder. For a plant watering is giving it water, but firing is most likely that you are shooting it out of something rather than setting it aflame or wishing it good luck in its future endeavors (of staying still indoors & casting a shadow in the daytime because it's just a simple country plant).
The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange. May we not wash our Bastilles in the same sink that we test our mini-catapults.
When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore. If you get bored easily it's because your interests are lame.
Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak! The only weakness you can brag about is bragging.
You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice. It is nice to say thank you twice but once it gets to thrice you need some advice. Add an adverb so patience you won't disturb.
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off confusion. Closet rods are a great place to hang clothes but a terrible place to hang horse thieves, unless you've got a pair of enchanted overalls that know how to ride a horse.
Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it. If the bowl of your soup droops you're gonna have a spill. If you're really really sick you're gonna get a pill. If you've got porkchops cooling on your window sill, quick LOOK OVER THERE!
Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself. If two people say to each other, "Stop repeating me, Stop repeating me" it will forever remain an unsolved mystery as to who was repeating whom.
If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty. It sucks that only inanimate objects can collect dust. If people collected dust it would be fun & exciting all the time because the collection would always be growing.
Poor attributes need enrichment. A bed of bread is better made of loaves than slices.
Heaven:  If you don't know you won't go. If you see any spirits in heaven you should get really scared because there'd only be ghosts there if they died in heaven.
You can't make fun of something that is already fun just like you can't make a pie that is already made! Don't get scared if someone says they're going to have fun in the sun. They aren't talking about taking a kamikaze rocket into space. They mean fun right in the sunlight.
June Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by June Rejects:
Strictness creates restriction Being seen in a Bering Strait jacket that announces your love of the Bering Strait actually makes you look crazier than wearing a straitjacket.
Hind sight is 20-20 if you like what you see. Hind sight is 20/20 except for memories, that's more 20/40. But in the year 2020 all sight will be 2020!
The future always waits. Being late to something important is cool because it means you don't wait for the future, the future waits for you!
If you don't apply what you learn then you really haven't learned anything. Learning is for the birds, if you don't know what I'm talking about go ask a bird.

Raise your chances of being hired by applying ointment to a sticker you applied to your resume & then apply for a job so you can apply for that job 3 times.
The only time the future changes is when it becomes the present. There were a few times people have changed the past, they were calendar makers who renamed what the past was called, people like Gregorion & Julia.
Light switches are not recommended when savagely beating a child. You are dumb if you think a light switch is what you use to call a varying number of people of random nationality to come change & screw in a light bulb.
When you act perfect doing so proves that you are not. You can be the perfect actor if you play a perfectionist.
Award shows are famous for their thanksgiving speeches, which is why the losers don't get to make speeches. Winning leads to acceptance speeches. Losing leads to denial speeches.
A penny saved is a penny earned but in the south a penny saved is a penny ironed. The second coolest way to save a penny is from a train at the last moment. The coolest way is to stop someone from shooting it at a theater.
Do what you have to do when you want to do it unless there is a time you have to do it. The sound of lightning tearing something asunder is a thunder blunder.
Setting short-term goals for yourself can lead to a better life if you're on the right road. All roads lead to Rome, except Roman Avenue. "What kinda hula hoopla is that?" you asked without drinking refurbished camel water.
Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them. Your brain is next to your nose so if you get deep in thought you might drown. But the cool thing about your mind drowning is it can pretend to drown in something fun like frogurt.
Everyday is a new day. There are new things to learn and old things to burn. Fajitas are the best food because they burn the calories for you before you even take a bite.
If you lose weight being a loser is good. If you lose track at the track you could lose at the track.
July Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by July Rejects:
Outer space is no reason for haste. To quarks & leptons all space is outer space.
Don't dwell just deal. All gamblers deal with their addiction.
If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it. You can't teach a rock how to bow but you can teach a bow how to rock.
For some getting approved for a credit card is equivalent to being sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly. Genetically engineer the ability to grow new legs with no nerves to help people pay off mob debts.
Should times sometimes override good times. Every good second comes in a group.
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones which used to be old people's houses. Set up an open air kitchen on the streets with a generator & cook home-cooked meals to make the whole world a home. Then people will understand recycling or whatever & the earth will continue to exist for millions of.. nanoseconds.
Blood is a stain caused by pain. Vampires need to have bloodhounds as pets. And if they suck at finding blood to suck they can be sucked.
Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you appreciate a happy one. Throw surprise non-birthday parties.. at 3AM. Surprise them on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Now thatsa surprise!
If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and ask a question. If your reverse a hearse the cargo will come back to life. If you put it in neutral they'll stay dead.
Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know racism is bad. It's easier to fly a flag made of paper because you can fold it into a plane.
Old is sometimes the equivalent to cheap. There are two kinds of people in this world:  Antique gum collectors & pre-chewed antique gum collectors.
Innovation is beyond imagination. Dee ienvintoures hoo git dey leest kredet ore tee wuns hew endvint kneu wais tew ssphell wereds.
Everyone starts out small. If you replace the dirt in ostrich habitats with tramampolines hilarity will ensue.
It isn't always easy to ease drop. If someone catches you putting bunny ears over their head say, "I wasn't doing rabbit ears. I was putting up how old you act."
If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them
"Lighten up it's the 90s"
A smart way to say you didn't go to college during a job interview is, "I'm like Celsius's freezing point. I've got zero degrees."
Soap-operas aren't clean. However Soap-&-water-operas are. You are weird if the reason you sing in the shower is because you hope your bar of soap will pick up on it & learn how to sing so you can direct a soap opera with it as the star! Still using bar soap is weird.
August Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by August Rejects:
When reading a lesson you should learn. You gotta earn what you learn but teachers be donatin'.
You can't tell unless you hear first. Grenades are so patient. They only blow up at you once.
The only change you have to make to change is to want to change. The world is always changing. It's smart it never carries anything bigger than a 20.
A dingo is just a backwards bingo and a bingo is a forwards dingo. So this must mean that dingos spin around a lot. Norther Alaska is the ultimate party central because it's the only place where the even sun stays up all night! Auooo!
Most people don't sit in the streets so it is quite easy to be an upstanding citizen. Standing down means you're not going to attack someone so being upstanding means you are always ready to go in for the kill.
Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as if you will live a million years more. The most controlling people leave instructions in their will to boss around their family deep into dozens of generations that haven't been born yet.
Dreams come true until you fall asleep & dream anew. The best dream is the one where you dream about sleeping because you get double the rest.
Deaf people can hear at least one thing, silence. You can't hear silence & silence can't hear you.
If balloons caused salad bars to serve meat, I'd be like "stop calling it a salad bar." Pitchers are unsung heroes. They stop many people from stealin.
You booze you lose. If someone calls you a loser say, "Won One & I'm done. It was fun but I no longer wanna run. It was nice but the shoes aren't worth the price. I'm gonna hit the snooze instead of watch the news. Retire on a win & I'm a winner for life. My joy is rife. Takes one to mistake one, loser."
The less you do the more you get done, (because you're either starting or finishing). All the class's completed assignments are passed up to the teacher. Teachers get things done.
If you have to wait a long time, be late. Don't be alarmed if you sentence has a late period It's just a ty.po, you didn't get it pregnant.
Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death. Be the best you you can be. You set the bar for being you. So the best you you could be could be you doing absolutely nothing. Loophole!
Thieves prey on the unsuspecting which is why thieves themselves never get robbed. If you ever get robbed go to the Lord in prayer & pray that that no good sucker doesn't get.. tasted because it could make the thief think, "Eww-w this sucker is yucker!" Then his pet ewe will be be like, "You talking trash about me?" & he'll be like, "No, it was eww like eww yuck." Then the Ewe will get mad & use the time machine her owner stole to kill the person that named ewes ewes. And that person was your great great great grand..son who who owned/will own a time machine too & if he dies the writer of Babe will get stumped & not finish the screenplay & that means they'll be no Babe: Pig in the City!
The summer is the best time to have hot fun. When winter beats fall, fall makes a comeback & beats summer, then summer makes a comeback & beats spring, then spring makes a comeback & beats winter. Then oregano is like, "People eat me all year long, I'm the real champ!" Then all the seasons of the year give oregano a militious beating.
One cannot catch a breeze. You have to be really fast to catch a wave because people only wave from far away.
Following a question respond, "Don't ask, because you already did." Pop the answer. Every time you answer "Yes" react as if you're saying yes to someone popping the question. Just start crying & hugging them then shakily hold your ring finger out. "You want fries with that?" "Yes!..." Then when you get proposed to for real it will be suspect. "You act like that for everything are you sure you really want to get married?" "Yes!..." "Here we go again!" (Heart Wipe to black)
People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all. Don't ever say, "Can you two just agree to disagree?" because obviously, "We already agreed to disagree, that's why we're arguing. It's an unspoken agreement."
Controlling wall rust can be a difficult task just clean a certain area & the rust may form around it. You can buy that old factory for cheap & make lots of money if you turn it into a rust factory.
Waiting until fall to do spring cleaning can really make you realize why it is primarily done in the spring. Soon spring cleaning will take place in every season due to Omega Battlebot maintenance requirements. "Clean our springs every season to keep you safe from toast bats so we can eat em. Then we'll reconstitute them in our bellies & poop them out covered in choice jellies."
When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn. The more you learn, the more oak trees peak over your shoulder to cheat off your drug tests because trees are so dumb they don't know how drug tests work.
Sometimes you think you've outsmarted someone when in actuality you've just made a fool of yourself. It is only ok to act a fool in a school if you are playing the fool in a play.
Someone that is kind. Is a great find. In the city, standing while looking through binoculars & drooling is creepy but walking while looking through binoculars & drooling isn't creepy at all.
In acting mistakes count twice. Stand next to catering on a set with bad actors so every time the director says, "Take two..." you can gank some gooey goods.
A prisoner is an inmate but a jailer is not. In ice marriages in death do they join.
Lack of hair leads to despair. You can have your hair cut without having a haircut, if they decide after filming that your character should be bald & CGI out your hair.
You're never disappointed with parades in ice cream shops or parades by the lake. On your trashman's birthday throw away helium balloons without popping them so when he opens the can he gets a big surprise.
Sometimes you need to get out. You have to get out to give out.
Paper has many uses. Humans have many excuses. Don't make your banisters out of paper to save money.
Obese people can't afford to use cheap seats. Loud birds should be forced to sit in the cheap cheep seats.
September Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by September Rejects:
Take it from me, Emperor MAR, building an empire is tough. I know this because I still haven't. If you ever get lost in a big big big field just start digging 'cause there's bound to be a city on the other side of the earth with an airport.
Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day. You get candles on your birthday & if you die tragically enough candles on your deathday (observed).
Don't be a crook, Drink a book. If you find a book on your shelf that you don't recognize throw it into the air & if it flies away it's actually a bat hat.
A tidily wink is when you wink while crying. The boy who cried wolf made the wolf cry once the wolf heard about his reputation being sullied.
New beginnings always come from old ends. If you've ever been rear ended by a cannon ball you parked too close to the pool.
Since when were bats and robins friends? Since April 1940 I guess. All animals become friends after you lock them in a close quarters cage together. Once they kill each other they're like, "Wow heaven is awesome! Thanks for helping me get here!" Animals killing each other is nature's way so all animals that commit animacide automatically go to heaven. When pickles die their spirits split in two & one goes to pickle heaven & the other goes to cucumber hell.
They say, "When it rains it pours" But really rain is just a bunch of drips. Going outside in the rain will really make that VR stroll in the rain app come to life. And walking out into a war zone will really make that VR getting shot & falling down app come to life by making you come to death.
Babysitting is the worst kind of sitting. If you ever get caught wearing your tin foil hat just yell, "I'm not crazy man! I'm wearing this because I just escaped from a cannibal's oven!"
Better a potbelly than a pothead. Domestic flowers are not pansies (unless they're pansies). "Give me a pot or give me a bed. I only need one or the other."
The key to finding something better is looking. Never settle for second best. Just decide in the first place to get second best because you ain't gettin best. Prolly should shoot for 7th best if we're being real here.
Whistling while you're lazy can't be done. Don't be lazy, always finish what you st
Of course you wouldn't understand because you're not as civilized as i am ... maaa hew hul huk. At least have the bare minimum of decorum, don't scratch your belches as they come out of your mouth.
Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity. Being sarcastic is Great. It's not annoying AT all.
Second place is the first place loser. If second place is the first place loser then second to last place is first place not last place.
October Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by October Rejects:
If you listened every once in a while you wouldn't listen very much. People with a short attention spa▯ ▯▯▯▯'▯ ▯▯▯▯ ▯hat was said in the middle of this lesson.
Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning. Here's a glitch that can help you win any looping race in real life. Take one step back first & then two steps forward.
If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy. You're really lazy if you won't even finish reading this les
If you forget the name of your horse it runs, possibly away, but horses will run anyway, as in any direction AND regardless of you forgetting WHO they are. Never ride a horse on a crowded beach because if will buck you off to go dominate at volleyball.
If you can't have fun you got to make it. Don't deathscriminate, juggle a mix of live, dead, & taxidermied squirrels.
People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with. Don't change your mind about exchanging your mind in a creepy science experiment. Steam puppets don't need brains & they'll smooth out all your thinkle wrinkles.
If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses. The doctor gave you the wrong note if it says, "Eat 25 fried pickle rings before surgery" unless you're getting a gastric bypass & love fried pickle rings.
If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may lose, you won't feel stupid. If you coat your spatula in cooking oil.. ah forgit it this lesson is dumb. I quit. "No, don't say that. It's not dumb." Gee you're right me writing this! This lesson is not dumb & none of you can convince me other wise. "It's dumb to misspell otherwise." Hey brain! I pay you to type not to think. So shadduppayouface! mmm mhm mmm mhhm!
Umpires are like vampires but with less va va va & more u u u (pronounced as a grunted 'oo'). The word wuss starts with a triple u.
Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative. Plagiarism is a serious crime, unless you're plagiarizing knock knock jokes. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Knock! Knock! Knock!" "Ah crap they're knocking on the neighbor's door. He's not home! Quit wit ya knockin' already!" "But he said he'd be here. I just talked to him 59 minutes ago." "Fine, I've got a spare key let's go in & look around for him." ... "Oh no, what's that smell." "A body wouldn't stink after 59 minutes & 58 seconds genius." "So how do you know Gilgs?" "I'm his neighbor." ... "Well he's not in here, you can go home now." "But I was coming over because I needed a place to crash." "You know if you crash your car you can crash in heaven with Jesus & who's that other guy that's up there.." "Jimmy Hoffa?" "No, he's not dead yet." "What haven't you heard the knews?" "They found the body?" "No." "Well then why would you think he was ded?" "Hey maybe the body is in Gilgs's basement!" "I don't have the spare key to his basement." "He keeps his basement locked? For what?" "For mooks like you who's looking for Jimmy Hoffa's body." "Well that make it seem more likely that the body would be down there." "That's a fair point."
Fear the lion not the roar. Fun with language:  Leon the Lion translated to Spanish is Leon el León. Sammy the Seahorse translated to Phonyiseish is Sammy wan Sammie.
The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming. The worst thing about dating a big star that is really hot? It always has to be a long distance relationship.
November Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by November Rejects:
Don't go boating when you should be voting. Unlike boats, most rhinoceroses aren't educated enough to know you aren't their owner & will let you ride them for free!
Today is Tuesday. I'm sure some of you needed to know that. If your worst nightmare is forgetting what day of the week it is face your fear by getting fired to where it won't matter what day of the week it is.
Television is a perfect way to learn.. about bad acting. Life is like a B movie, almost everyone in it is a bad actor & the budget is very low.
If you've never met (The Joe) you don't know what you are missing & trust me you don't want to know. Save time by high-fiving everyone you see before something good happens, this way you'll stockpile five credits & can comfortably retire from fiving by age 43.
You can fit an elf on a shelf. Hey Santa, you can retire without anyone giving you any guff if you just blame some kid for asking for elf emancipation for Christmas. You can just be like, "Slav'ry & whatnot" to satisfy the adults. But the kids will be like, "My parents is broke." But of course you could tell them, "Pssh, u know I neber gabe poor kidz presints to b-gin wit."
The strongest case always carries the most weight. The cheapest thing to use as stage tears is cobra venom because a single drop will make you cry copious amounts of authentic tears.
Only smart people need be afraid of headshrinkers. Don't get upset about getting a hole in your clothes, those are speed holes, they help you win gold in races. That's why all the famous Jesse Owenses's shirts were donated by the families of explosion victims.
From decades in the past came the present. Dull people should hire others to make expressions for them as verbal conversation emojis.
Spinning around doesn't mean you've gone around the world. Spinning around doesn't mean you've gone around the world just like carrying an icecream bar of soap doesn't make you the igloo bathroom bandit.
December Lesson Mania II Book Rejects: New lessons inspired by DecemberRejects:
Gardens that grow very little should be called midget gardens. You can save money on a dining room set by growing forks & spoons in your garden.

No one wants their garden filled with snakes, unless they love the taste of snakes.
Leaves are sleeves.. on branches. It's easier to jump into a leaf pile than it is to jump into a water pile.
Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep. You are weird if you sleep standing up.. on the top of a moving train.. with a gun taped into your hand.. to make sure film crews have the proper permits should they try to film an action scene up there.
A bar of soap really lets the suds fly. You are dumb if you put soap in your soup so you don't ever have to wash your bowls.
When someone says "Are you there?" just disregard the T & everything will be just fine. You can't get there from here. You can get 80% of it. If you take the T from tools & make them ools that sounds funny & that's what these lessons are about, sounding funny. You know what else if funny? Borrowing quarters from clowns. You'll never guess where they keep their change! Nope, nope. I said you'll never guess! Stop guessing & go find a clown! I hear there's a sad crying clown at the cemetery holding a single black balloon for his coworker that didn't survive getting stuck in that tiny clown car. Ok, maybe don't as THAT clown.
What is left to the imagination can be worse than what isn't set forth. Just imagine what great ideas you could dream up if you used your imagination:
GPS ads where it gives you directions to someplace you're not going to con you into patroning an establishment.
Collapsible travel ocean, just attach to nearest beach! Fish sold separately, or can be stolen from nearest real ocean.


House