Lessons January


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January
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

January 1
˛⁰05
While playing a musical instrument one can be quiet & loud at the same time.

˛⁰08
Super is supper with one ‘p’ that is how good supper is you see.
˛⁰03
Semi-Flashback Edition:
If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong place but remember this:  Eat bread it make glass shine.

˛⁰14
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but how do you keep your house from burning down? Sleep with pears in your mouth. It keeps your house from catching fire.

˛⁰15
The dog with the biggest bite is also the dog with the highest dentist bill.

˛⁰16
The great thing about sleeping through midnight on New Year's Day is that when you wake up, you know you've successfully slept all year long.

˛⁰17
No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a proud mother hen.

˛°18
If you're ever at the end of a line, it probably isn't as a period.

A gas tank doesn't have any armor.

"That" is not saying "much."

January 2
˛⁰05
Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.
˛⁰03
Only drunks can truly make racial slurs.

˛⁰15
The road less traveled has less pot holes, unless the local hillbillies warm their soup in it.

˛⁰16
The great thing about losing a limb is that you get a phantom limb to replace it & a phantom limb sounds cooler than a regular limb.

˛⁰17
No one likes to be told "You're A Coward," except little Johnny who has just been adopted into the Coward family.

˛°18
Amazingly walking into a traffic jam will leave you less sticky than walking into non-jammed traffic.

16% of positive numbers below 100 are under 17.

When someone treats you like dirt it could mean they dig you!

January 3
˛⁰03
When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something. Rhyme, rhyme, something, something.
˛⁰05
2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.

˛⁰13
No one will ever see you coming if you are always stationary.

˛⁰15
A buzzard without teeth & a clock with no hands are the same. You can use neither to tell time. That is unless they are both wearing digital watches.

˛⁰16
Giving yourself a pat on the back is hard work. The reason you do it is because you've worked hard. So pat yourself on the forearm instead, it's easier.

˛⁰17
No one wants to break the rules, except the people who know the rules exist.

˛°18
Trees can't juggle unless you throw them multiple chainsaws.

If you're broke the best place to keep spare ice is your wallet.

If you're broke the best place to keep spare carrots is your socks.

January 4
˛⁰03
When the wind blows:
We should stop making lessons that rhyme they are a waste of time & make no sense like a jive talking mime.
˛⁰05
The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

˛⁰13
Of course history is written by the victors. Why would the losers want to keep records of their loss?

˛⁰14
No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by greedy doctors. They invented gravity too.

It is easier to catch a snowball with your mouth than with your hands. But catching it with your mouth makes it much harder to throw back.

˛⁰15
A puzzle with 6-14 pieces missing is like a car missing its engine. Unless you've ever driven a car, in which case the comparison is laughable.

˛⁰16
Eyes make everything easier, especially getting poked in the eye.

˛⁰17
No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing their pants.

˛°18
Keep teabags in your toilet tank to give you that 3rd world feelin'.

You never see robots having romantic moments in the rain during thunderstorms.

Fly to Chile & cook some chili with chili peppers & ice. You can call it chilly Chile chili chili.

January 5
˛⁰05
There is plenty of room on a spaceship.
˛⁰03
Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.

˛⁰15
The road less traveled enunciates "quaff" no better than the motorway covered in marmalade.

˛⁰16
Nature would love it if we burned down all the trees! I'm referring to Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the trees!"

˛⁰17
No one wants to be left out, except pies that are cooling.

˛°18
The reason we don't hear from God much is because he's running water & that's a big job.

When someone says, "I'm slummin' it today," they probably aren't talking about feuding with their landlord.

Mr. steady can be thrilling if he's being steady on a high wire.

January 6
˛⁰05
Take time to rhyme, we did.

˛⁰13
It would be a real surprise if someone literally "threw a surprise party" from like a giant catapult or something. People & streamers would be falling from the sky but balloons would be falling up into the sky.

˛⁰15
You can't teach a fish to juggle cheese whiz but you can teach an elk how to limp.

˛⁰16
It is fun for people to have thinks about you in their thoughter.

˛⁰17
No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to take it to the next level.

˛°18
Rocks have a hard time & it's the whole time they exist.

Peeing your pants is usually forgiven as an accident, peeing someone else's pants is not.

Your falling apart:  Your our ur r

January 7
˛⁰13
Everyone is a natural, except androids.
˛⁰05
Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.

˛⁰15
A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very very VERY hungry.

˛⁰16
The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception of cube.

˛⁰17
No one wants to put mustard on a peanut butter & jelly sandwich except mustard salesmen.

˛°18
During a flood use your contact lenses as boats for your pet ants.

January 8
˛⁰05
If you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you that person has a very piercing stare.

˛⁰
13
The Future is Now! except.. no it's not. Now was the future but now now is now.

˛⁰15
An ambitious person without wings can fly just as high as a lazy bird that has no wings.

˛⁰16
Toast is great because you can use it for stubble simulations.

˛⁰17
No one wants to be looked over, except dog show dogs.

˛°18
Next time you say, "Generally speaking, " follow it up with your Patton impersonation.

January 9
˛⁰05
Birds can easily hear high pitched voices.

˛⁰
13
If you add a lock to anything it is safer. So if you have to lock a safe it was not very safe to begin with.

˛⁰15
Sometimes the smallest people have the biggest hearts so shorties, go get that checked out by your doctor.

˛⁰16
The great thing about hands is that they double as egg holders, if you have some eggs handy.

˛⁰17
No one likes to take the blame, except anonymous hackers.

˛°18
Money has saved you plenty of times, return the favor & save it.

January 10
˛⁰05
One who struggles with problems has a lot of trouble on one's hands.

˛⁰13
Spotting the differences could save your life!
If you ever get into a car wreck..
If you ever get into a car, wreck.


˛⁰15
One bad apple spoils the whole bunch but the whole bunch, left uneaten, spoils together. So eat a whole bunch!

˛⁰16
The great thing about having big hands is that you can pick up more debris per bendover.

˛⁰17
No one wants a cop to shoot em unless the cop is also a photographer.

˛°18
If you drive everywhere backwards then you're sorta driving forwards cause you mean to & you're used to it.

January 11
˛⁰05
The reason high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.

˛⁰
13
When arriving at a planned destination people say, "Well, this is the place." When arriving at an unplanned destination when lost you can say, "Well, this is a place."

˛⁰15
The weasel with the longest tail is easier stepped upon than the farthest asteroid.

˛⁰16
The great thing about not having big muscles is that you can be a better spelunker, more easily fitting through tight cave crevices.

˛⁰17
No one wants a thumb tack in their sock unless it’s hanging it from a mantel.

˛°18
Guys who want to look buffer can shine their muscles to look buffereder.

January 12
˛⁰13
When someone says they've told you something "over & over again" tell them, "That is impossible. You can't tell me something over again because that would mean it wasn't over in the first place."
˛⁰09
Just because we're made from dirt doesn't mean it's better than us.

˛⁰15
Some people are best left alone & those people are already buried.

˛⁰16
The great thing about being distracted easily is that someday you'll make one special robber very very happy.

˛⁰17
No one wants a cobra in their soup unless it’s cobra soup.

˛°18
If you're so poor that you have to sleep on the toilet it's ok to wet the bed.

January 13
˛⁰09
When looking for something to major in while in college don't become a history major. Become a future major instead, it will save you a lot of study time.

˛⁰
13
It is good to get your priorities out of whack.

˛⁰15
One man's rainbow is another man's "I'm not sure what you call it but it sure looks cool."

˛⁰16
Blueberries aren't blue on the inside because they've had good lives.

˛⁰17
No one wants to get stuck in a rut except stickers. Because stickers aren't picky they're sticky.

˛°18
Every obstacle course should be run in a judge robe because you'll still feel like a big shot if you foul up.

January 14
˛⁰13
It is strange that being pressed is hard but being depressed is harder. Even stranger is the fact that the press depresses people.
˛⁰02
Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

˛⁰15
Money can't buy you contentment but it can buy you a gorilla that jogs in place.. if you're willing to shop around for a while.

˛⁰16
"This is," I wrote, hoping to be humorous, "the great thing about commas."

˛⁰17
No one wants to throw their Life away, unless they left the box open & it's stale.

˛°18
Toys aren't meant to inspire fright but can with high cost, low stock or stepping upon at night.

January 15
˛⁰02
If you're ever angry because you're stuck in traffic. Just laugh it off unless that laugh is a maniacal laugh.

˛⁰05
The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.

˛⁰15
The man with 7 houses does not have more to be thankful for than the man with one. Or is that the other way around?

˛⁰16
The great thing about Darth Vader appearing on products is that it lets you know which ones to avoid. Someone from the dark side would only endorse low quality items that ruin your day.

˛⁰17
No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.

˛°18
Creepy as it is, collecting skeletons is the most acceptable form of slave ownership.

January 16
˛⁰12
Boulevard sounds French especially when French guys say it.
˛⁰02
Generals can't do usual things.

˛⁰15
The bigger the pillow, the more oblivious we are to the ostrich behind it.

˛⁰16
If lack of snacks has you weeping openly, tears are great for satisfying your salty cravings!

˛⁰17
No one wants to go through life afraid, except stylish bath rugs that think I said, "afrayed."

˛°18
Picture this:  The smallest trees are the hardest to climb.

January 17
˛⁰12
Pollution is so terrible because it makes you hate air.

˛⁰15
The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over the harp.
˛⁰02
WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but anyway:
Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!

˛⁰16
One great thing about having a memory is when it remembers the end of a joke…

˛⁰17
No one wants their wife to disappear, except magicians.

˛°18
Bug bites by not scratching them.

January 18
˛⁰02
It is said, "when you hear a whistle blow snap into action" but I say "no, because snapping into action could cause permanent bone damage."

˛⁰
05
Even the laziest person can have a wild imagination.

˛⁰12
The reason "noodle" is a slang term for head is because it was named before the proliferation of Italian food in America and someone confused a meatball for a noodle.

˛⁰15
Those who always keep their chin up will likely be scared of their own shadow.

˛⁰16
A peach is great because it's a fuzzy food that isn't rotten.

˛⁰17
No one likes to be made to feel less than, except <.

˛°18
In a few years clown will be its own gender.

January 19
˛⁰09
If you forget about a deadline, don't worry, just hurry.

˛⁰12
The one time someone tried to reinvent the wheel and it worked was when the boat was invented.

˛⁰15
A blister earned by hard work is far sweeter than a blister covered in motor oil & chalk dust.

˛⁰16
Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.

˛⁰17
No one wants a toilet full of candy unless it’s post digested.

˛°18
Unlike regular lakes, glass lakes are far more dangerous when shallow.

January 20
˛⁰09
The underlying problem with lying under the bed is that you may hit your head.

˛⁰12
Night vision goggles would be cooler if there were no day time.

˛⁰15
Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of staples.

˛⁰16
Brains are great because they can read this.

˛⁰17
No one likes to be told to shut up, except cartoon wardrobes eager to show off their door flapping skills.

˛°18
If you put fish sticks in your aquarium an entrepreneurial fish may just use em to build its own castle. And The Big Bad Wolf™ won't be able to blow it down either. If he huffs too hard too close he may choke. And that children is why fish is healthier for you than pork.

January 21
˛⁰05
Knowledge is power & too much power is dangerous but I'm sure none of the people who read this would have to worry about that.

˛⁰12
"Heads up" actually means "Heads down so no one gets smacked in the face!"

The brain is what you knows with. That and the nose.

˛⁰14
Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've taken vows of silence no one ever hears about it.

˛⁰15
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.

˛⁰16
The great thing about some pawn shops is that they'll let you hock a hamhock.

˛⁰17
No one wants a burger made of wax unless it’s a candle.

˛°18
Whether you are hiding behind a fence or in front of a fence is dependent upon where your pursuer is located.

January 22
˛⁰01
Do not play dead in a freshly dug grave.

˛⁰02
If this is 1st period, what is home room? The sentence?

˛⁰05
The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.

˛⁰09
When someone says to you, "It's a small world." tell them to go take a walk.

˛⁰11 10th Anniversary of Piemerica's Lessons!
Comedy is for losers (of seriousness contests).

If cults had denominations they'd be called diffecults.

A good way to refer to nothing is by saying "almost something."

Jerks suck especially when I call them jerks. They get all mad and act like jerks.

If you don't like Wednesday you'd be like "When's this day gonna end?"

Naval oranges are grown on boats.

Europeans suck at being from somewhere else.

The sense of humor is taste.

˛⁰12
If you are sitting up you are sitting up and sitting down at the same time.

When dreams come true a dreamer becomes a realist.

˛⁰13
If someone tells you, "I love you more than words can express" they're lying to you because they just used words to tell you. If someone really loved you like that they'd just say, "I love you more than......"

˛⁰14
Piemerica's lessons will make you laugh & they will make you cry if there are freshly cut onions nearby.

˛⁰15
You can teach a deaf man's parrot to talk, but.. why?

˛⁰16
The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.

˛⁰17
No one likes to be told "You're no good," except students at the Super-Villain Academy.

˛°18
We can put a man on the moon (like we etched that guy's face on there right?) But we can't make a dirt soup that doesn't turn into mud soup.

January 23
˛⁰01
If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.

˛⁰13
You can't be married to your work unless your boss is a minister & even then it is only legal in 6 states & D.C.

˛⁰15
A child with a stick of butter is more powerful than imaginary ocelot fur.

˛⁰16
A restaurant that delivers steak can drive a steak into your heart.

˛⁰17
No one wants to see that.. except people reading the word that.

˛°18
When old people take over the world, after all young people die from neck blood clots caused by looking down at phones all the time, all sidewalks will be converted to railroads, meaning they'll have rails on each side to help them get around.

January 24
˛⁰01
When attempting to accomplish a goal don't set it for a particular time. Then you'll have a good excuse for not doing it yet.

˛⁰
05
There is nothing funnier than laughter.

˛⁰
13
How to make people into hypocrites:
Complain so much that people will begin to complain about your constant complaining.


˛⁰15
The light at the end of the tunnel is always brighter than the light in the trunk while it's closed.

˛⁰16
The great thing about atoms is that you can see them & not see them at the same time

˛⁰17
No-one ever wastes money, suckers just pay non-suckers.

˛°18
If fear makes you scream then bravery must inspire silence. So

January 25
˛⁰01
Remember a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar.

˛⁰13
"I" "can" "put" "any" "preexisting" "word" "in" "quotes" "and" "be" "quoting" "the" "dictionary" "out" "of" "order."

˛⁰15
A wise man does not build his house on hairy ice but a wise man does stock his house with quality Ronco® products.

˛⁰16
The great thing about walls is that they can't talk!

˛⁰17
No one ever wants to run away from home. They want to run to a new home.

˛°18
To lose weight clean another's plate. All you'll lick is sauce & crumbs, all the taste & none of the TUMS®. A thinner waist & smaller bum. If you stay hungry eat a plum.

January 26
˛⁰09
Instead of in love some people are just in luck.

˛⁰13
If men are from Mars & women are from Venus none of us are Native Earthicans.

˛⁰15
The smallest pebble can be thrown but the largest rock cannot be lifted. So in the end the tiny pebble makes the bigger splash. Likewise the smaller Cheeto dissolves in Mellow Yellow slower than the larger cheesepuff.

˛⁰16
The great thing about dinosaurs is that they can't make you fat.

˛⁰17
No one wants an orange filled with blood, unless you're a vampire that likes oranges.

˛°18
You can't have an answer without a question thus a phone's ring is actually a question.

January 27
˛⁰05
You don't have to be on the lookout for strange signs because those are the most obvious.
˛⁰13
An excon is the 3rd worst kind of con.

˛⁰15
A pilot can steer the plane but the passenger doesn't have to.

˛⁰16
The great thing about gloves is that you can give them the finger, in every sense.

˛⁰17
No one likes to feel judged, except actors on trial in their first courtroom scene.

˛°18
Everyday heroes do the dirty job of spilling disfiguring chemicals on strangers to create supervillains for superheroes to fight.

January 28
˛⁰02
If you ever get the feeling that you're going to get your legs broken, running wildly with your eyes closed won't prove otherwise.

˛⁰13
The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.

˛⁰15
People with their eyes closed cannot see the the glass as half full but they can still drink out of it.

˛⁰16
The great thing about tourniquets is that no one has been named Tourniquet.. yet.

˛⁰17
No one wants a knife in their back, unless they’re having surgery, voluntary surgery.

˛°18
Masons who are bad at smashing get smashed to make up for it.

January 29
˛⁰01
When properly observing a stop sign. You do not need a go sign to proceed (after the stop).
˛⁰05
Online comics always get a good response, lol.

˛⁰02
Sharks can be a delightful friend.. in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life. My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten.

˛⁰13
You can always have a white Christmas if there are white clouds in the sky.

˛⁰15
Teach a kid to catch a football & he could become a millionaire. Teach a kid to juggle & he may never earn a cent.

˛⁰16
The great thing about finding poop on the floor is that it raises your heart rate.

˛⁰17
No one likes to have egg on their face, except freaky-deek chickens.

˛°18
Vanity nooses are the next hot new fashion trend.

January 30
˛⁰01
When playing a game of hide & go seek, no matter which position you are in, it is best to get up & walk away.
˛⁰02
If the 1st gear won't turn & the 2nd gear won't turn. The 3rd gear isn't going to listen to you either.

˛⁰13
Everyone is a child of the 60s because minutes are 60 seconds & hours are 60 minutes.

˛⁰14
Lighting a fire under someone twice is useless because once their bottom has been burnt they won't have any feeling left in it.

˛⁰15
The man who feels enslaved to his shoe strings needs to look up what the word "enslaved" means.

˛⁰16
Onions are great because you can throw them at lousy stage actors who failed to cry during a show to make them cry for real.

˛⁰17
No one wants to drop the chainsaws they're juggling except treasure hunters trying to discretely saw through the floor so they can discover the lost golden anvils of El Rey.

˛°18
The next great despot will convert every house into a bounce house & the next sucky despot will shoot all the bouncy houses with murder guns.

January 31
˛⁰02
When using a ladle ah forgit it just don't fill up your lawn with intellectual cones.
˛⁰01
It has been said, "When all else fails try Jesus." But if he succeeds why not try Him first?

˛⁰05
Sometimes tomorrow makes today better.

˛⁰13
Corn Flakes® do not look like corn flakes. I know I've shucked corn.

˛⁰14
People who waste food eat pre-trash.

˛⁰15
Whoever has the most gold doesn't win in the end but he sure can fix a lot of games while he's still around.

˛⁰16
The great thing about ghosts is that they will never harm us. The only reason ghosts exist on earth is because they were too lazy to float to heaven.

˛⁰17
No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people in heaven.

˛°18
It's easier to beat the toughest fighter in the world than it is to sneak attack someone while you're in a real coma.

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

House



































January Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong place but remember this:  Eat bread it make glass shine.

Only drunks can truly make racial slurs.

2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.

The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.

Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.

Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.

Just because we're made from dirt doesn't mean it's better than us.

Don't live in the schlums become a bum.

Generals can't do usual things.

WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but anyway:
Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!

An excon is the 3rd worst kind of con.

Online comics always get a good response, lol.

If the 1st gear won't turn & the 2nd gear won't turn. The 3rd gear isn't going to listen to you either.

It has been said, "When all else fails try Jesus." But if he succeeds why not try Him first?

Original Versions of Changed Lessons:
1/3
When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book & rhyme, rhyme, something, something.

1/6
It would be a real surprise if someone literally "threw a surprise party" from like a giant catapult or something.