Lessons February


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February
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29

February 1
˛⁰01
Yelling at fish may make them flee but yelling at apples will make them fall off that tree. At least it worked for Mr. T.

˛⁰02
Ya c dahts de problem with you kids today, you get bored too easy. (The Joe) only gets bored when there's nothing to eat.

˛⁰13
In Dnalsdrawkcab Three Strikes Laws are based on bowling instead of baseball so criminals are rewarded for committing crimes 3 times.

˛⁰14
Houses in tropical climates are painted with light jackets of paint.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "If an iceberg tells you, 'Come on in! The water is fine.' remember that temperature preference differs between the animate & inanimate."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about waking up late is that you may sleep long enough to see the credits to your dream.

˛⁰17
If the zoo catches fire hope next day for an exotic buffet.

˛⁰18
Closet rods are a great place to hang clothes but a terrible place to hang horse thieves, unless you've got a pair of enchanted overalls that know how to ride a horse.

February 2
˛⁰01
When someone tells you it's good to give, they're not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts. I needed to point this out because there are some good hearted kids who join gangs just because they want to give.

˛⁰13
Never start a bet saying, "I bet you can't guess.." because anyone can guess. Instead say, "I bet you can't guess right.."

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't wreck into me."

˛⁰16
Phantom limbs are even scarier when they wear masks.

˛⁰17
Hammond Eggs have the most vitamin B3.

˛⁰18
It's hard to tell if you're allergic to fleas or if there are just a whole lot of fleas biting you.

February 3
˛⁰13
One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."
˛⁰01
When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after it because it's usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "To boost their self-esteem whales stopped wearing clothes so they could always be skinny dipping."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about forearms is they are the only body part that are clearly labeled as to what they are for.

˛⁰17
Cloud servers always be dropping food.

˛⁰18
Leaving a breadcrumb trail with one piece of bread is more dramatic…

February 4
˛⁰05
Good news reverses the blues.

˛⁰13
If you're really in love with someone you won't just have butterflies in your stomach, you'll have caterpillars too because the lifespan of a butterfly is less than that of a human so for true love you'll constantly be producing new butterflies in your belly.
˛⁰01
Trees grow faster when they're small.

˛⁰02
Ever heard of a sleep-walker? No. That's because they try not to wake anyone up.
˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "I don't like ice breakers. I'm huge why would I like small talk?"

˛⁰16
The scary thing about your eyes is they can see you but you can never see them.

˛⁰17
Throw out your futon if aliens come to earth because futons make it far too easy for the aliens to eat us as tacos.

˛⁰18
It sucks that only inanimate objects can collect dust. If people collected dust it would be fun & exciting all the time because the collection would always be growing.

February 5
˛⁰01
Hiring a thug may help someone to get savagely beaten. Hiring a mug may help someone to drink something after they've eaten.

˛⁰02
If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be happy anymore.

˛⁰13
Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Simply wear a chin guard & you are ready to ride a pretend sled."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about trees is if you try to kill them they grow back & out live you.

˛⁰17
They should change the word bonus to donus because it sounds like doughnuts & thinking of doughnuts makes you feel even better.

˛⁰18
Being seen in a Bering Strait jacket that announces your love of the Bering Strait actually makes you look crazier than wearing a straitjacket.

February 6
˛⁰01
Food taste good, Results only occur when eaten.

˛⁰13
Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Statistics wrought by poller bears have a bias that is heavier than the bears themselves."

˛⁰16
Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you. The only thought anyone ever has about you is, "What do they think of me?"

˛⁰17
They stopped selling milk in the yellow jug because your milk would sneakily drink your orange juice while your fridge door was closed.

˛⁰18
Pretend you win everything & outshine the real winner's enthusiasm. You'll go viral & be more famous than the winner.
February 7
˛⁰01
If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.
˛⁰05
Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.

˛⁰13
Whoever came up with the Hebrew alphabet called off all bets but one.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "It's so cold where I live you can literally hold your breath underwater."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about pharaohs is that the first 14 pyramids were made out of ice cubes.

˛⁰17
If your flying cup keeps escaping, fill it with rocks & sand & water & Fruity Pebbles.

˛⁰18
It is nice to say thank you twice but once it gets to thrice you need some advice. Add an adverb so patience you won't disturb.

February 8
˛⁰01
Remember those cans in the garage aren't melted ice cream. No matter how many colors & wooden spoons there are.

˛⁰13
Everyone is as old as Methuselah just not as old as he was when he died.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Wearing snow shoes is only slightly better for crossing a bed a nails than a bed of hot coals. I suggest you use them for neither."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about toast is if you burn it, it will get its revenge by ruining your breakfast.

˛⁰17
Moonshiner = Man of Still

˛⁰18
A bed of bread is better made of loaves than slices.

February 9
˛⁰01
Microwaves are not robots, so they do not count as dependents on tax forms. Even if you do feed yours everyday.

˛⁰05
Both fast & slow moving people may tell you to "hold on."

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "In the coming centuries if you ever go to an iceberg zoo, make sure to feed us iceberg lettuce to keep us from floating violently toward you."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about fingers is it only takes one to blow up the whole world.

˛⁰17
Get out of the mouthless cerebellum catering business.

˛⁰18
Rule #1, memorize the rules. Rule #246, Forgettabout the rules! Rule #247, ask someone, "What was the point of learning all those rules?"

February 10
˛⁰09
While a while is some, some while is a while longer.

˛⁰13
If you are going to try to write with chalk underwater it will be easier if it is not running water.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Not all of us Icebergs are Jewish. Some of us just married in."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about bending over in space is that it could send you into a tailspin.

˛⁰17
Putting lettuce under your bacon to keep your plate from getting greasy doesn't count as salad.

˛⁰18
Seeing spirits in heaven is scary because there'd only be ghosts in heaven if they died there.

February 11
˛⁰03
Sticks & stones may break your bones but that doesn't mean your bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!

˛⁰07
You are what you eat which is why people who eat too much are called pigs and cows.
People who eat chicken are scared to eat unhealthy.

˛⁰05
Read something twice so it will sound familiar.


˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "I think you're the one that's slippery."


˛⁰16
The scary thing about caves is that one is probably below you right now!

˛⁰17
Apple marionettes allow for apple coreˇeˇography.

˛⁰18
In due course spiders will get revenge on us for sweeping up their homes by taking us to court with a really good lawyer.

February 12

˛⁰03
People that sneeze a lot are just trying to get blessed.
˛⁰01
You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube.

˛⁰05
You can make music without sound if you write it & no one plays it.

˛⁰07
For a loner every bye is a good bye

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Snow is not a good fertilizer."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about distractions is that they make it so this joke isn't written very well.

˛⁰17
Everybody eats poo because poo is made out of food. Food is just pre-poo.

˛⁰18
You are dumb if you think a light switch is what you use to call a varying number of people of random nationality to come change & screw in a light bulb.

February 13
˛⁰01
They say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother. Although Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children.
˛⁰02
If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

˛⁰03
Beware! Homeless people may have houses because a house is not a home.

˛⁰07
There is no such thing as nothing.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "You can actually see the wind but since it keeps giving you & everyone else the cold shoulder mankind has unconsciously chosen to ignore the sight of it."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about blueberries is they are so sad they want you to eat them.

˛⁰17
If you use a butcher knife made of petrified meat you can pork chop a pork chop.

˛⁰18
Puritans' archaic witch tests were severely flawed. Anyone can float after you throw them into water. The real test is if they float after you throw them into the air.

February 14

˛⁰01
Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.
˛⁰07
Jesus is the Rock So Rock Music is good

˛⁰03
The best time to teach someone how to dance is when there is snow on the ground that way they can see all the steps.

˛⁰13
"Back to basics" could mean a return to basics or a departure from basics.

˛⁰14
Jewish rappers should remember to proof read their emails because there is a big difference between "Oy!" & "Yo!"

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Ice fishing is best done with a net."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about commas is that they bring everything to a halt.

˛⁰17
A mass toaster shaking would solve world hunger. Although 17 minutes later world hunger would resume.

˛⁰18
Raise your chances of being hired. Apply ointment to a sticker, apply that sticker to your resume & then apply for a job. Now you've applied for that job 3 times!

February 15
˛⁰02
Think Positively!
"I always fail to succeed, unless I succeed to fail"
˛⁰01
You can run for position of Judge at any age.

˛⁰03
Life isn't about accomplishments. It's about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.

˛⁰07
Electricity is good at meditating because it has so many ohms.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't slip on me, it tickles."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about stars is that they are cheating on their solar systems while shining upon us & once their planets find out about this we're in big trouble.

˛⁰17
Sentient hamburgers shouldn't visit America or they'll be eaten! And they should never befriend a sentient mustard. Mustards are racist against salsa & horsey sauce & thought balloons.

˛⁰18
If you get bored easily it's because your interests are lame.

February 16
˛⁰07
The only thing most rappers have murdered is the English language.
˛⁰01
When using an appliance sure the start button may seem like a good way to use it but what about the on button?

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Last year I vacationed at the beach & lost 440,000 lbs!"

˛⁰16
Crocodile tears are scary, especially considering most tears are snail tears.

˛⁰17
Use a watering can to strain foods.

˛⁰18
If you have a conversation with a drunk about race you can use the slurring of their words to claim they made racial slurs even if they didn't say anything offensive.

February 17
˛⁰01
Eat bread it make glass shine.
˛⁰03
Want to become president of something but just can't be elected? Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.

˛⁰07
A stupid cook makes Duh-licious food.

˛⁰14
Headless ghosts would bump into walls if they weren't ghosts.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't play polka near ice, it is too heartwarming."

˛⁰16
Memories are scary because they keep track of everything you do.

˛⁰17
Live snakes shouldn't be eaten tail first.

˛⁰18
The only weakness you can brag about is bragging.

February 18
˛⁰13
Those with the gift of gab also have the apprehension of abbreviated alliteration.

˛⁰14
If you are what you eat then eat donuts because then you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
˛⁰07
Don't regret, regress.

˛⁰17
You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you have to shave your ice cream you shouldn't eat it."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about peaches is when they get sad everyone thinks they are still just peachy.

˛⁰18
There were a few times people have changed the past, they were calendar makers, they renamed what the past is called, people like Gregorion & Julia.

February 19
˛⁰02
It's hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & if you ever say to yourself, "Animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.
˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Where I come from water doesn't get ice cold, ice gets water cold."

˛⁰03
If you ever buy brown shoes but the other shoes of the same type aren't brown, there's a bum in the store.

˛⁰07
The size of your waist line indicates how much waste you intake.

˛⁰16
Bank vaults increase the number of home break-ins by being so secure.

˛⁰17
Don't propose a toast to butter when it's on a roll.

˛⁰18
Sadly the only turkeys allowed in fallout bunkers are the ones that have already been pardoned by the president.

February 20
˛⁰01
It is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!

˛⁰02
If anyone ever says to you 'How are you doing today?' in the morning, just say 'It is too early in the day to properly evaluate this question.'

˛⁰03
If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't argue for graffiti is always a possibility.

˛⁰07
At the buffet it is survival of the fittest. The fat people who eat too much die young and the fit people survive.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you don't want your snowmobile to have an accident put a diaper on it."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about your brain is that it makes a backup copy into a turnip anytime you confuse radishes with turnips.

˛⁰17
So you've got carbon dating, well if a soda's flat that's carbonation dating. Oh!

˛⁰18
Hind sight is 20/20 except for memories, that's more 20/40. But in the year 2020 all sight will be 2020!

February 21
˛⁰01
If someone asks a group of people "Is everything ok?", the person who is not ok probably can't answer due to not being ok.
˛⁰02
If you take away the 'y' in "It's all your fault" "It's all our fault"

˛⁰03
I got some confess'n this ain't no lesson.

˛⁰05
Due to the popularity of plastic surgery the term "picking your nose" takes on a whole new meaning.

˛⁰07
You can always afford to pay attention.

˛⁰13
Only the most confident salesmen knock on Death's door.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you think really hard while you see your breath in the arctic it will become a brief thought cloud."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about hamburgers is that you can get them anywhere, except the places that need them the most.

˛⁰17
Ice melts if you tickle it.

˛⁰18
If two people say to each other, "Stop repeating me, Stop repeating me" it will forever remain an unsolved mystery as to who was repeating whom.

February 22
˛⁰01
If it's raining at night & you go out for a stroll in the sunshine, it won't work. I know. Time to move to a new planet.

˛⁰03
When climbing a ladder here's a thing to remember.
Don't climb a ladder up a tree after someone says "timber!"
˛⁰05
Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you.

˛⁰
08
The reason God chastens us is because we’re running

˛⁰07
The first Chinese caveman was named Ug Lee.

˛⁰08
Words do hurt when you try to bite them.

˛⁰13
When the ball is in your court but you're a judge, it's time to call the bailiff.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't use ice cubes they are an affront to my kind."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about standing still for a long time is that a line may form behind you & you may have to lead them to greatness.

˛⁰17
Tap water is running water, bottled water is jogging water, bath water is sitting water, birdbath water is standing water, pool water is laying water, pond water is ducking water, spilt water is bending over water, holy water is bowing water, digested water is squatting water.

˛⁰18
For a plant, watering is giving it water, but firing is most likely that you are shooting it out of something rather than setting it aflame or wishing it good luck in its future endeavors (of staying still indoors & casting a shadow in the daytime because it's just a simple country plant).

February 23
˛⁰03
It is Sunday there is a thing you must learn.
Although it is called SUNday it does not mean things must burn.
˛⁰01
When going on a car trip the best way to ensure you get there is keep enough gas in it to not run out.

˛⁰
08
God caused people to lose their sight as they get older to make it easier on them when having to look in the mirror.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you're coming to see me bring some crayons. All I ever see is white & blue!"

˛⁰16
The scary thing about steaks is that when the steaks are high you know they've been pumped with GMOs.

˛⁰17
Chips & dips aren’t friends. They get each other eaten.

˛⁰18
Winning leads to acceptance speeches. Losing leads to denial speeches.

February 24
˛⁰03
When packing a Christmas box you must remember, do not give it away until late December.

˛⁰08
It is creative people who now make normal people normal.

Dial up was so slow it was as if one was dialing in the 1s & 0s manually.

˛⁰13
News stations are both great & terrible at cutting to the chase.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Penguins aren't flightless birds. They fly underwater. Hey whaddahya want from me? I'm an ice burg. I don't know the vocabulary for that underwater movin' thingy."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about atoms is that they hid in plain sight for 1,000s of years.

˛⁰17
When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it coming.

˛⁰18
If the bowl of your soup droops you're gonna have a spill. If you're really really sick you're gonna get a pill. If you've got pie cooling on your window sill, quick LOOK OVER THERE!

February 25
˛⁰02
Don't know the difference of past, present, & future? Here you go:
past- Something in front of you
Present- a form of gift
Future- a small amount of ture

˛⁰12
I don't know why 3D is such a big deal. Before movies and television everything was in 3D.
˛⁰03
Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful.
...
That is all.

˛⁰08
It is smart to scratch most itches but not all if abiding by public decency laws.

˛⁰14
Don't wash your pink plates with white plates. If you mix colored dishes with white dishes you'll end up with a purple monkey in the dishwasher... I think.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Santa Claus used to travel by ship but I showed him!"

˛⁰16
The scary thing about walls when a building collapses is they expect us to return the favor for leaning on them by "leaning" on us.

˛⁰17
If you eat mannequins as a substitute for eating humans you're a mannecannebal.

˛⁰18
You can be the perfect actor if you play a perfectionist.

February 26
˛⁰02
Getting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all.
˛⁰01
Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle.

˛⁰03
If you're ever caught in a blizzard.. paleontologist aren't for juggling.

˛⁰08
Orange is the only sweet color.

˛⁰12
Chauffeurs make the best minions. They never steer you wrong, although if you're their boss you should be steering them.. Chauffeurs are a complex people. Mad props for life to all those chauffeurs out there. You know who you are.

˛⁰13
Your days are numbered buddy! But of course they are because everyone else's are too. Ain't you ever seen a calendar pal?

˛⁰14
Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "Never trust a seal to open your mail."

˛⁰16
The scary thing about dinosaurs is that they actually went extinct by bullying because all the other animals called them big boned.

˛⁰17
To get free toppings at a frozen yogurt shoppe say something really mean so they start throwing toppings at you.

˛⁰18
Get time on your side by attaching a clock to the hip of your fanny pack.

February 27
˛⁰01
Hoop does not mean pick.

˛⁰02
Treading on thin ice is much more dangerous than walking on it.

˛⁰03
Let something drive you crazy.
It's better to be chauffeured than to drive yourself there.

˛⁰08
The simple way to disguise a pimple is to act like it is an outie dimple.

˛⁰12
Gangs are "for life" because the lives of most gang members don't last long.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "You can melt the entire polar ice caps with only 9 ramen seasoning packets."

˛⁰16
Jet powered gloves give the scariest high fives.

˛⁰17
If someone gives you a sash made of butter they're planning on cooking you.

˛⁰18
Being late to something important is cool because it means you don't wait for the future, the future waits for you!

February 28
˛⁰01
When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."

˛⁰02
If you have a music band that is doing poorly, buying a box of band-aids won't help them. You need NeosporinŽ

˛⁰03
The perfect time to run in slow-motion is when it's windy out, that way it fells like you're really going fast.

˛⁰05
Memory is important so.............

˛⁰12
"Mosey! Mosey! Mosey!" has never been a chant at a race.

˛⁰15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "You can defrost anything with sunlight if you get close enough to the sun."

˛⁰16
The skeleton key to stopping bullying is to give your kid an intimidating name. No one would dare bully in a school full of kids named Thanos Norris & Rhonda Xena.

˛⁰17
Drinking gasoline makes you the ultimate foodie because you're dining on dinosaurs.

˛⁰18
Sometimes turning out the lights generates more electricity than it saves.

February 29
˛⁰16
The scary thing about onions is when you hack them to bits, they make you cry, even if you didn't know them very well.

The scary thing about ghosts is that there is no solid evidence that they exist.. unless this is the afterlife & we are all the ghosts of golems.

Finding a spider in the blankets is scary but finding a blanket in the spiders is a whole nuther kind o disturbing.

The scariest floors are transicerink.

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember
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February Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after it because it's usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road.

Trees grow faster when they're small.

Ever heard of a sleep-walker? No. That's because they try not to wake anyone up.

Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.

Read something twice so it will sound familiar.

Tip of the Iceberg:  "I think you're the one that's slippery."

You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube.

If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give it out.

Jesus is the Rock So Rock Music is good

You can run for position of Judge at any age.

When using an appliance sure the start button may seem like a good way to use it but what about the on button?

Want to become president of something but just can't be elected? Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.

Don't regret, regress.

You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills.

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Where I come from water doesn't get ice cold, ice gets water cold."

If you take away the 'y' in "It's all your fault" "It's all our fault"

Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you.

The reason God chastens us is because we’re running

When going on a car trip the best way to ensure you get there is keep enough gas in it to not run out.

Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful.
...
That is all.

It is smart to scratch most itches but not all if abiding by public decency laws.

Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle.

Original Versions of Changed Lessons:
2/2
When someone tells you it's good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.

2/22
If it is raining at night & you go out for a stroll in the sunshine, it won't work.