Lessons March


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

March
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

March 1
⁰01
When typing etc. etc. A dragon won't fit in a chair Droor.

⁰02
Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.

⁰13
If you double dot your i's your one i will have two eyes. If you double cross your t's they won't be happy.

⁰14
If you get teleported to an empty universe you'd be the awesomest person in the universe!

⁰15
You know you're poor if you're still saving up for that other scis.

⁰16
Rome wasn't built in a day, but Lego Rome.. it's worth a shot!

March 2
05
The sun is the solar system's space heater.

14
Don't iron your tires. Those wrinkles were tread.

15
You know you're poor when you use birdbath water as the base of your soups.

You know you're poor when you squirt lemons in your eyes to go colorblind just so you won't be covetous.
⁰01
Squirrels, no steam in the window.

02
Humans have skin, Robots have tin, Time has when.


⁰16
People who believe "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" have already fell for something stupid.

March 3
01
Tasting cobble stones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.

⁰13
If your mind is drawing a blank you have amazing powers!

15
You know you're poor when you can't afford to eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken so you eat at Puerto Rican Raw Bird.

You know you're poor when you use lightning bugs to light your house at night.
02
Light Bulbs = Pro Fits
So don't come whining to me.

⁰16
Be yourself so if you become famous you can make twice as much money by moonlighting as an impersonator of yourself.

March 4
13
It is good to have a Chip on your shoulder if you have a Dale on the other one.
⁰01
Constantly simulating Lawns does not make you Catastrosphere, because you are not Ultimate at doing it.

⁰14
If you are looking for somewhere to sit just ask someone with a butt.

⁰15
You know you're poor if instead of insurance you have well-probably-not-ance or mildly-unlikely-ance.

⁰16
What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a pointless waste of time.

March 5
⁰01
Asking someone to do something & them doing it is never sure. Getting someone to run when you poo something will get them out that door.

⁰13
It is strange that people in SoCal are more concerned about their diet than people in NoCal.

⁰15
You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your pizza are your own tears.
⁰02
People rarely pass up a golden opportunity. That's because it's so valuable.

⁰16
It takes just as much brain power to spell the word sasquatch as it does to know sasquatches don't exist.

March 6

⁰02
Stop being pessimistic!
Don't think of them as empty threats or promises. Think of them as unfulfilled threats or promises.

⁰13
Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.

⁰15
You know you're poor when you use cheese as a mirror.

⁰01
You can't put a porkupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice. -Ross Perot 1996

⁰16
It's not the highest number you can count to that matters but the highest number you can count on.

March 7
⁰01
If you ever become a sailor & use a map remember the real land doesn’t have its name written on it.

⁰02
The cure to being poor is to get more.

⁰03
When one thinks "I can't get any lower than this" better start digging.

⁰15
You know you're poor if you've antagonized someone because you were so hungry you'd settle for a knuckle sandwich.

You know you live in a poor city when the water tower ain't nothin' but knee high.

You know you're poor when your windshield looks like it's been used in an actual war.

⁰16
It is not the hardest working ant that is remembered but the one that mysteriously bursts into flames.

March 8
⁰01
If you say "hey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.

05
One day cell phones will get so small people will call them cell phones.

⁰14
When you fall in the woods you can appreciate the ground. You are barely over it yet so close to being under it.

⁰15
You know you're poor when you couldn't afford tooth-picks so you had to settle for tooth-we-tell-you-what-to-dos. Emancipated tooth cleaning sticks just cost way too much!

⁰16
In an argument "always" always never means always.

March 9
⁰01
Keep in mind your shampoo is scented not flavored.

⁰13
The grass is always greener on the other side, except during winter, then the grass is always snowier.

⁰14
1 million people a day bathe in onions. They are the tiny people we eat but never see.

⁰15
You know you grew up poor when you encourage your kids to litter just so other folk can find somethin' real nice.

You know you're poor when the only crayon you can afford is the color blue.

⁰16
Throw some curvy lines into the wind to pretend to live in a drawing.

March 10
⁰04
When driving & dialing a cell phone at the same time beware for a fellow motorist may suggest you dial with an alternate finger.

⁰13
A trainee cook is the one person who is ok with hearing "fork over the dough" while at work.

⁰14
Wingface was a terrible super villain because he was an awesome hero.

⁰15
You know you're poor when you've got a gun with no ammo, a soup with no moisture, a dog with no legs, a shirt with no front, & a scarf with no arf.

⁰16
Frequently typing "lol" is the cure for hypochondria.

March11
05
If you pay attention you may be in for more than you bargained for.
⁰04
If you are too shy to make a toast at a special event don't buy a toaster.

⁰14
After scorpions are extinct we will have private teleporters. You will be able to teleport things to strangers as gifts without having to know where they live. So go kill scorpions!

⁰15
You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except for yourself!

⁰16
Tomorrow never begins or ends.

March 12
⁰03
It is said "shut your mouth & open your ears" yet during disasters the opposite is done.

⁰04
If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.

⁰15
You know you're poor when you get stuck in traffic & you aren't in a rush to get home because you're already home.

You know you're poor if you've never recycled aluminum cans because you need them for the coils in your homemade mattress.

You know you're poor if the only steak you've ever eaten was the steak to your tent because it was softened by protein filled termites.
⁰02
It's always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob.

⁰16
The night daylight saving time begins is the ideal night to break your "latest I've ever stayed up" record.

March 13
⁰02
When there's nothing left to do dance!
Cause dancing will cheer anybody up....
except the cripple.

⁰04
It's confusing to listen to two speakers at the same time.

⁰13
A bucket ain't water but it draws water well. Chalk ain't milk but it draws milk well.

⁰14
Bear ghosts are the only ghosts with teeth.

⁰15
You know you're poor if in lieu of buying a hat or sunglasses you only go outside when it is cloudy.

You know you're poor if the speedometer on your car never goes past zero either because it is broke or because you car is.
⁰03
Don't share pants with your shirt.

⁰16
Even the shiniest toast was once a glitterless piece of bread.

March 14
⁰03
If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.

⁰04
Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas. 

⁰15
You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.

⁰16
Authors abbreviate their names to save ink in their books so they make more money from each copy.

March 15
⁰02
If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think them at fault thinking they meant to say "I have to get a drink of water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then you are at fault if you point that out.

⁰13
The way to win at rock paper scissors hand over fist is to put hand over fist when someone throws rock.

⁰14
You may be city folk but you can still milk a cow faster than a horse can!

⁰15
You know you're poor when your wardrobe consists of short, glass, & pant.

You know you're poor when you commit a crime just to get some free police tape to use as a clothes line.

⁰03
If you are afraid of lasers you should be afraid of phasers also.

⁰04
Glass is shallow.

⁰16
Put boxing gloves on a gorillas hands & feet to invent the hilarious new quadraboxing.


March 16

⁰03
Making clothing out of cotton candy is not acceptable.

⁰04
Dogs go on dates too if you run out of news paper.

⁰13
The Atkins Diet really goes against the grain.

⁰02
Meetings are fleeting without eating.

⁰14
Calendars are invertebrates.

Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.

A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to begin with.

⁰15
You know you're poor if you only go to the movie theater to collect discarded ticket stubs so you can burn them for warmth.

⁰16
All e's are relative e's. That's why they look so much alike.

March 17
⁰02
Crazy? I'd have to be crazy to think I'm not crazy! In short, I don't think I'm crazy.

⁰03
When crossing the road, stop & think long & hard about your safety. 

⁰14
It is really hard to saw dust.

If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.

This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into toasters.

You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.

You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.

⁰15
Penny pinchers keep a sack of corroded pennies just so they won't go nuts on St. Patrick's Day.

⁰16
The best day to be covertly envious is Street Patrick's Day.

March 18
⁰09
Losing your mind is good for you but better still is taking it off and out.

⁰13
Never let your toddlers wear long sleeves at breakfast or else they will end up with a few Trix up their sleeve.

⁰14
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.

Tree carvings are tree tattoos.

Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.

You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water in your wallet.

⁰15
You know you're poor when your favorite meal is shadow toast. Mmmm taste that shaddy!

You know you're poor if save your kid's hair clippings so you can give your kids beards for the winter because you can't afford scarves.

You know you're poor when you can pick up your pickup truck because you done sold all the parts off that dang thang.

⁰16
Tragedy strikes because if it didn't knock down all the pins it wouldn't be a tragedy.

March 19
⁰01
A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.

⁰13
He who laughs last laughs best.. unless he's part of a studio audience. In that case he's getting kicked out of the taping.

⁰14
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.

It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a paper bag right next to it.

Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you bury it. It doesn't make any sense.

⁰15
You know you grew up poor if your parents asked you what you wanted for Christmas & you said "A firetruck!" so they just took the truck you already owned & set it on fire & gave it to you. Fortunately they didn't try to wrap that one & put it under the tree.

You know you're poor when the only reason you dye your hair is to either absorb or deflect the sun's warmth.

⁰16
Mysteries are more interesting that facteries.

March 20
⁰13
If you're looking to relax after lunch don't use a toothpick because toothpicks are often in a pickle.
⁰01
Pie taste good and can be shared by all.

⁰14
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready! You know why?.. Because I'm driven."

Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!

OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.

⁰15
You know you're poor when you go to the mail room on your lunch break just so you can lick the envelopes for sustenance.

You know you're poor if your tires are retired.

⁰16
Collecting snow globes as you travel sure beats collecting regular globes.

March 21
⁰01
Getting lost in the woods at night can show you how much of a man you are. It can also show you how much of a man you aren't.

⁰04
Food taste good when you're cruising in the hood. Eating chicken with hot sauce don't forget to floss.

⁰13
Touring bands rock before they roll.

⁰14
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.

You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.

When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you are in the ocean if you ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.

⁰15
You know you're poor when the blinker on your car just stares.

You know you're poor when instead of buying strawberry jam you buy imitation strawberry sortacrappydubstepson

⁰16
If you are invited to participate in a "dramatic robbery reenactment" don't do it. It's gonna be a real robbery.

March 22

⁰04
If you're a big fan of fans recycling has gone too far.

⁰13
Early executioners tried hanging by a thread but instead of leaving the criminals hanging by a tread to life the executioners found their jobs hanging by a thread as they scrambled for a thread of hope in the newly contrived item they called the rope.

⁰01
Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting.

⁰14
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.

Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.

Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of marriage alive!

⁰15
You know you're poor when your idea of an air freshener is to just stop fartin'.

⁰16
All alien abductions are hoaxes perpetrated by short, green, big headed rapists from another planet.

March 23
⁰01
Handles are not considered a sand.

⁰13
A gingerbread house is a home sweet home.
⁰04
Never let a witch tell you to be quiet for you would cease to exist.

⁰14
Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never confronted.

⁰15
You know you're poor if you get into too much monkey business, which is any & all monkey related business ventures.

⁰16
Aging is genetic. If you don't believe me, talk to your parents tomorrow.

March 24
⁰09
The opposite of sitting is standing. The opposite of walking is standing still. Therefore the opposite of sitting is walking.

⁰13
Fair & square is not fair for circles.

⁰15
You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever assumes you are talking about politics.

⁰16
You can be most successful at fly fishing if you use a net made of double sided tape.

March 25
⁰09
Traveling through New Mexico is never boring if you bring another city with you and a very large truck.

⁰13
When regular guns run out of ammo you have to put bullets in them. When phasers run out of ammo you have to jump the gun.

⁰15
You know you're poor that when you look for enough money to buy an air conditioner you have to settle for either an air-junkfooder, an air-heathrisker, or an air-baconsundae.

You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.

⁰16
In ye olden days finding your lost phone was easy. You just followed the cord from the jack to the phone.

March 26
⁰01
If a potato wedge had arms it would probably try to punch you a couple of times before you eat it, but you wouldn't care since it had no hands.

⁰13
Everybody wins in online arguments because no one ever goes away thinking they were wrong.

⁰15
You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play as a princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you could realistically aspire to.

You know you're poor when the only basketball you've ever owned was made out of old baskets. It bounc'd a littl' bit.

⁰16
If you don't drown your sorrows they'll eventually commit suicide anyway.

March 27

⁰13
Mr. Bucket was "buckets of fun" but he could only be 1 bucket of fun at a time.

⁰14
Putting the cart before the horse is a good idea if the cart floats & the horse is in water.

⁰15
You know you're poor if the closest thing you've ever had to a mirror is your finger nails after you ran em through your greasy hair.

You know you're poor when you have hardwood floors in your house.. because your floor is made of tipped over trees.
⁰01
Slack Jawed Yokels' Huking can raise self-esteem in decent human beings.

⁰02
Safety=Danger


⁰16
You can speak to someone from the past by texting them because every text message received was typed in the past but what is said with the voice occurs in the present.

March 28
⁰01
If you are going to Alabama & don't have a sand box you may or may not be in trouble.

⁰04
It's hard to tell someone what because they always think you're asking them a question.

⁰13
If you're looking for a way to break the ice with your date stir her drink with a knife rather than a spoon.

⁰14
If spiders wore pants they'd have a lot of pockets.

⁰15
You know you're poor when instead of a cheese greater you've got a cheese worser.

⁰16
The world record for most tetanus shots taken in a fortnight is still up for grabs. #goals

March 29
⁰01
If driving & you take a wrong street the 2 best ways to get back are:
1. Drive recklessly across people's lawns.
2. Park in someone's garage & loiter soliciting as much as possible.

⁰13
When your back is to the wall at least you have some back support. I'd rather have my back up against the wall than fall over a balcony or something.

⁰14
The button was depressed because it was a shirt button & not a button that could be pressed & de-pressed.

⁰15
You know you're poor when instead of painting your house, you sharpie it.

⁰16
One of the coolest things about bakeries is that the donut ponchos are free.

March 30
⁰01
When in a race fall down & yell "Help!" to slow the others down.

05
The longer cops patrol the more petrol they use.

⁰14
If you put two bowls together you can create a bowling ball that doesn't roll away.

⁰15
Flashback Edition:
You know you're poor when you're afraid to look at billboards because you're afraid you'll get charged for it.

You know you're poor if you've never had a birthday cake with candles to wish upon so you go to the scene of local fires & try to blow them out to make one big wish.

You know you're poor when your trash can doubles as your soup pot.

⁰16
Some like to give homeless people money. Others like to give money a home.

March 31
05
The newcomer is always undefeated.

⁰13
Sometimes you've gotta walk away from a fight to live to fight another day so you can die on that day instead.

⁰14
Zombies have prosthetic life but their body parts are real.

⁰15
You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans & cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.

⁰16
Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything.. except getting others to believe in you. You probably won't be able to reverse reincarnate either or teach a koala to make you a decent boiled salad.


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

House