When the dust settles be
Written by an Elephant Edition:
"An elephant never... uh.. how does that saying go again?"
Well I guess elephants do forget. However, amazingly they can type with
those big feet.
The wise man orders pizza in the
morning. The fool orders pizza to do his morning chores.
The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!
Science is a lot like butter, it proves that butter exists.
more you learn, the more oak trees peek over your shoulder to cheat off
your drug tests because trees are so dumb they don't know how drug
Mastering the game of golf
is difficult, but not as difficult as
breathing (in outer space).
Even a simple container
busts when poorly smashed.
If you have been vitally
injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has
to call 411 to get the # for 911 you probably won't live through the
Circles always make ends
meet, so much so that you couldn't even tell
that they once had ends.
Disgusting grocery stores
don't employ grochers, their employees are
The doofus peels his lemon
with his eyes wide open but the smarty pants never shaves with glass.
Hippos are deadly because they aren't lively.
A blanket is a lot like a bus on fire. If one lays on you you'll get warm & sleepy.
settle for second best. Just decide in the first place to get second
best because you ain't gettin best. Probably should just shoot for 7th
best if we're being real here.
Flash Forward Edition: 2036 Piemerica
These new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you
cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.
The only way I know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.
Taking residence in a shoe improves can lake cord have seat blast crop ham yacht bone valid activity.
Ice Cream cones can be used as hats in emergencies.
The brainiac wears his clothes in winter but the blockhead wears winter in his clothes.
China has more English speakers than the United States, that's why "Made in China" is never written in Chinese.
Plastic is a lot like the Web, it's a better alternative to paper.
If you've ever been rear ended by a cannon ball you parked too close to the pool.
If trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a
suit made of meat.
Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however
get you thrown into a mental ward.
The moon orbits the earth, by & large.
The clod refills his gastank with bees. But the virtuoso only fills his
beetank with bees.
flock of crows is known as a murder & that thing you did to that
guy who stopped moving forever, that's a murder too, even though you
didn't see any crows nearby.
Software is a lot like tableware, neither are used as insults.
ever say, "Can you two just agree to disagree?" because obviously, "We
already agreed to disagree, that's why we're arguing. It's an unspoken
Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.
The hardest lesson to learn is the one given by us.
It's easier to turn over a new leaf than it is to leave no stone left
It is good to have neighbors from hell because it means they are on
their way up in life. Coming from hell is much better than going to
hell. It's hard to escape hell. You have to win a fiddln' contest.
The nincompoop keeps all of his eggs in one carton but the maven hides
his eggs throughout his yard more than once a year.
never stop growing. That means one day they'll be mature enough to
accept you for who you are, someone who has a really itchy butt.
Leaves are a lot like candied yams, they're both terrible to use as forks.
Don't be alarmed if your sentence has a late period It's just a ty.po, you didn't get it pregnant.
Cars cannot fly so stay away from that downed bridge.
Busy People have a problem with not being able to turn into
Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at
Paint does not wash windows well.
Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.
Giant rocks can't swim.
Roads don't hit back.
A chemical reaction
if you are looking for answers first you need questions.
Clown is the perfect occupation for cross dressers.
Tall walls fall & make ya drop ya jaw when it's on y'all.
Summer salt & seasoning salt is the same thing.
Hammock reviewers never review how well hammocks hold their liquor.
The pundit will buy watermelons with change whether sticky or loose.
But the desperate ignoramus will try to split logs with chop sticks.
No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted, after that you can't tell them apart.
A shadow is a lot like a teacup, if the shadow is the shadow of a teacup.
spring cleaning will take place in every season due to Omega Battlebot
maintenance requirements. "Clean our springs every season to keep you
safe from toast bats so we can eat em. Then we'll reconstitute the
toasts in our bellies & poop them out covered in choice jellies."
Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise
won't give a life defying disease.
Signs that say "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It
just means the people are impolite.
Always stay close to the door & don't ask me "What for?"
Thick fog can lead to thick log.
In evolutionism stew made Stu. In creationion Stu made you, but later
changed His name to Jesus.
The Stanislaus has an extensive vocabulary & spells the word HAM
nicely but the Bubba couldn't spell the word toast with a hammer.
I is the shortest word that is typed with only the right hand.
Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.
You can buy that old factory for cheap & make lots of money if you turn it into a rust factory.
Shoes protect your feet but aren't good to eat unless they're filled with food.
If you're cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.
If you ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of it
just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.
If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as
Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your
Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.
A drug addict’s favorite time of day is high noon.
More school kids use high lighters than it may seem by looking at their
Despite some Americans despising illegal aliens Mexicans amazingly have
diplomatic immunity on most planets.
The dignitarious doyen captures monkeys in cages but the pulp headed pupil irons apes instead of hiring a stylist.
Hundreds of cannibals die of starvation every day but then they are eaten by the other cannibals so everything works out.
Mist is a lot like fog but misty eyed & foggy eyed are very different.
It is only cool to act a fool in a school if you are playing the fool in a play.
Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.
Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You
should think "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself
a statement that's so true."
Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.
When fishing with a pine cone there's always gonna be a little bit of
sorrow from the seal.
|²⁰02 Flash Forward
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't
heard of the new hypnotic contact lense
If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.
Money can be expensive so that is why it is important to save.
If you have a yellow belly that means you eat too much butter.
Pharmacist will prescribe you medicine because farms didn't insist you
The schmuck stores his winter coat in a freezer but the science-noggin uses mannequins as ringers in freeze tag.
11% of the world is left-handed, 89% is right-handed, 1% is ambidextrous.
Nails are a lot like lettuce, they both have heads that don't wear hats.
You have to be really fast to catch a wave because people only wave from far away.
Hailing a cab is sacrilegious.
If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to
tell the future?
You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.
If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword.
Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.
When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole
Take pictures of gum it'll last longer.
The goon wears umbrellas on his feet but the graduate strategically hangs umbrellas from balloons for hands free dryness.
All porcupines float in water, except the bald ones with holes in them.
Santa is a lot like furniture. If you're the one sitting everything is fine. If you're the one being sat on, there's a problem.
the best you you can be. You set the bar for being you. So the best you
you could be could be you doing absolutely nothing. Loophole!
I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.
If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like
When you are sick here's a trick, "eat poison"
It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never
You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my
Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a head ache
usually means you are no longer alive.
Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just
Rock malfunction? There's nothing you can do.
Even though they are called 'waiters' we are the ones waiting.
If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much
The fitness guru works out frequently but the laziness guru doesn't have to buy socks as often.
The average Kodiak Marmoset laughs zero times a day.
Pine needles are a lot like marbles, they aren't good salad ingredients.
Stand next to catering on a set with bad actors so every time the director says, "Take two..." you can gank some gooey goods.
If you're ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking,
hurry away for it will stink there soon.
When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not
Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says "you
will become rich" not "your well became wretch."
Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that
Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human
race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.
If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.
Making a time machine is easy. Take apart a clock & put it back
Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked land
If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be
Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look
as something else.
If someone ever tells you to "clean up that spill" but you don't see a
spill.. spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice
develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an
random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant.
Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic
memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.
If you are ever late don't worry but instead be in a hurry.
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it.
So really today is the only new day.
News is ok but of course no news is good news right?
Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because
there is more than one person involved in the second situation.
If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.
Preflexes are better than reflexes.
There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid
The esteemed expert explicates entertainingly. The goof uses "goof" as an insult.
The deathspan of a fruit fly is 1 moment.
Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to take yours.
someone calls you a loser say, "Won one & I'm done. It was fun but
I no longer wanna run. It was nice but the shoes aren't worth the
price. I'm gonna hit the snooze instead of watch the news. Retire on a
win & I'm a winner for life. My joy is rife. Takes one to mistake
Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.
Don't polish a match book with gasoline.
Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.
Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.
Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.
If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.
Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.
Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking
the bad way.
Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.
Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.
If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't
a light anymore.
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.
Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.
A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug
While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much
worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are
in something that is upside down.
Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per
person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
The intellectual charms his or her constituents. The illiterate uses Lucky Charms to buy mice in Cardif, Wales.
A cat's purring doesn't echo in outerspace.
Oranges are a lot like sinks, neither rhyme with rail.
Being sarcastic is Great. It's not annoying AT all.
When competing on a game show, remember nothing is real.
Calm is always easy before the storm.
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you
own a photo ID.
When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal
communication and not other noises they may make.
A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you
comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible.
Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have
already put a pillow in your backpack.
The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you
get hurt you already have a wheelchair.
The mixer modulates publicly but the monk high-fives in private.
98% of Japanese are cremated, the other 2% are still alive.
Rolls are a lot like everything, they taste better in soup.
the answer. Every time you answer "Yes" react as if you're saying yes
to someone popping the question. Just start crying & hugging them
then shakily hold your ring finger out. "You want fries with that?"
"Yes!..." But when you get proposed to for real it will be suspect.
"You act like that for everything are you sure you really want to get
married?" "Yes!..." "Here we go again!" (Heart Wipe to black)
The past always seems like more fun than the
only because the past is much longer.
Fun Food Fact: Humans invented pizza in the past.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.
An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is
England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.
When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.
Fun Food Fact: God invented fruit on the third day.
The buffoon only knows the names of 5 colors but the boffo can color her hair a realistic red.
"Hello" is a quote from 4,600+ movies.
Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink it out of a tap.
you ever get lost in a big big big field just start digging cause
there's bound to be a city on the other side of the earth with an
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't, if you don't have a horse.
Here's a good 1.
If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!
Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean
over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of
Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.
Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling
inanimate engines that roar.
At revivals Methodists use the sprinkler system to accept people into the
The binger stops a headache with pills but the Blargg prevents headaches caused by pounding plumbers by living in lava.
There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. Why they're just sitting in the basement is anyone's guess.
A bucket of water is a lot like a man holding a glass of Easter eggnog, if you juggle them, they'll both spill.
At least have the bare minimum of decorum, don't scratch your belches as they come out of your mouth.
Anyone can be an amputee but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage.
This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.
When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company
they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.
Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting
because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its
otherwise violently forceful suggestion.
Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being
unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than
fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.
One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the
days after that.
Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.
The prudent lad buries his comicbooks in mylar but the improvident chum
buries his groceries behind the fence at the police station impound lot.
Earthworms have 5 hearts. Their Valentine's Day cards are insane.
Roosters are a lot like crows, they both crow in the morning.
You get candles on your birthday & if you die tragically enough candles on your deathday (observed).
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but only if the beholder's eyes
If you're out of shape go back inside.
5 armed Zeidslurtz was excited to visit earth to participate in
high-fives because on his planet beings only have 4 hands. His
Omnegtolitum-English dictionary misled him however & he was greatly
disappointed in we two-handed humans. He was going to destroy the earth
until he saw someone giving away free kittens in a shopping parking
lot. He know lives in Normal, IL enjoying petting his 5 kitties.
The erudite homeowner uses Liquid Plumber. The dumbudolt homeowner
calls a plumber & melts him despite having no plumbing issue.
Slugs have 4 noses & so does the average dad.
Gymnasts are a lot like fugitives. It's particularly exciting when they jump off of something.
Don't be lazy, always finish what you st
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, except
when your child goes missing.
Not even sunglasses could make the sun look cool.
The mindscaper male portends pugilation but the Macho Man drops elbows from the top rope. OOOOH YEEAH!
The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is considered average in America.
Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly sized slices of bread.
you ever get robbed go to the Lord in prayer & pray that that no
good sucker doesn't get.. tasted because it could make the thief think,
"Eww-w this sucker is yucker!" Then his pet ewe will be be like, "You
talking trash about me?" & he'll be like, "No, it was eww like eww
yuck." Then the Ewe will get mad & use the time machine her owner
stole to kill the person that named ewes "ewes." And that person was
your great great great grand..son who owned/will own a time machine too
& if he dies the writer of Babe will get stumped & not finish
the screenplay & that means they'll be no Babe: Pig in the City!
Look both ways before you cross the street because you never know what
you may step in.
If you ever think to yourself "It is hot as Hell in here" you probably
The protester may sound like an optimist but is actually a pessimist. The antitester however is pro protests ending.
1 in 400 chickens is a human who was successfully hypnotized into a full species transition.
Eyeballs are a lot like cue balls. They are both alphabet based balls which do not contain the letter they sound like.
the city, standing while looking through binoculars & drooling is
creepy but walking while looking through binoculars & drooling
isn't creepy at all.
If you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth your mother didn't
understand proper prenatal nutrition.
Offering people coins is a good way to get them to change.
The old hand shakes hands to improve his status but the young hand literally rubs elbows until he is asked to leave.
The human body is comprised of 80% water, most of which are the tears we hold back.
Windows are a lot like whips, if you crack them you'll feel a breeze.
winter beats fall, fall makes a comeback & beats summer, then
summer makes a comeback & beats spring, then spring makes a
comeback & beats winter. Then oregano is like, "People eat me all
year long, I'm the real champ!" Then all the seasons of the year give
oregano a savage beating.
If you have a fear of failure you might as well just stay scared.
Kitty cats' favorite types of instruments are stringed.
question marks are true question marks because their existence is
questionable. But how could they be "marks" if you can't see them?
The learned only indulge in candy as often as YOU think they should.
The lout thinks the 1st M in M&M's stands for B & the 2nd M
stands for lower case b.
The cheese slice was invented in the 13th century & modeled after the sun which was then believed to be a flat square.
Fingers are a lot like missiles, if you point 'em at the wrong place people could blow up.
you find a book on your shelf that you don't recognize throw it into
the air & if it flies away it's actually an oversized bat hat.
One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.
The cheese stands alone because it cuts itself.
A relationship with counting can easily last forever.
The architect uses CAD software to create blueprints. The airhead eats
blueberries to create blueprints & demands a refund when the prints
turn out to be purple.
Just 23 bars of soap can produce enough suds to fill the entire Grand Canyon.. gift shop.
Zippers are a lot like alligator mouths, they're scariest when opened.
you ever get caught wearing your tin foil hat just yell, "I'm not crazy
man! I'm wearing this because I just escaped from a cannibal's oven!"
If you're eaten out of house and home don't build your house out of
gingerbread next time.
The sky is blue all day and wears black at night. It must be depressed, possibly because it looks beat up.
Toasters are where toasts have their funerals. Our butter & plates
are their afterlife.
The magician sets things on fire only to entertain. The moron sets
things IN fire repeatedly because he keeps trying to set things ON fire.
A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. I bet you thought they used buckets.
Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting in movies.
Domestic flowers are not pansies (unless they're pansies). "All I need is a pot or a bed, one or the other, I don't need both."
When the mob throws someone in the river there is plenty of concrete
Chicken pox is still better for you than chicken nuggets.
Deserts do have trees but when you're not looking invisible palm trees
eat all of the other trees, roots & all.
The inordinate dress in a revealing manner. The bordinate wear clothing with their revealing blog posts printed on them.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale. Why this hasn't been made into a video game remains a mystery.
Scarves are a lot like cosplaying pythons, soft.
outside in the rain will really make that VR stroll in the rain app
come to life. And walking out into a war zone will really make that VR
getting shot & falling down app come to life by making you come to
The early bird gets the worm. This principle is also why your dogs
& cats should sleep in.
Big business leads to big consumers.
Kids who grow up on a farm have more expected of them because so many
other things grow on a farm thus just simply growing is not as
Greats pen memorable messages. Giddiots photobomb the blind.
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones. There are also more plastic ninja turtles than real ones.
A camera is a lot like a bank vault. If you touch your eye to one you'll soon have a picture taken.
People with a short attention spa▯ ▯▯▯▯'▯ ▯▯▯▯ ▯hat was said in the middle of this lesson.
Instead of being interesting I'm just resting.
If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.
It's easy to be a pickpocket just choose.
Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.
The best storage container is the one that can contain your love for
The wittish buys a plane ticket to an island paradise. The wumpus
removes the seeds from a strawberry, fills a hat with dirt, &
leaves the hat on the floor.
There are more clocks in this world than there are hours in a day.
are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes.
So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.
animals become friends after you lock them in a close quarters cage
together. Once they kill each other they're like, "Wow heaven is
awesome! Thanks for helping me get here!" Animals killing each other is
nature's way so all animals that commit animacide automatically go to
heaven. When pickles die their spirits split in two & one goes to
pickle heaven & the other goes to cucumber hell.
The one thing the past has taught me is that time goes by.
Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.
The things I am reminded of the most are memories.
When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.
The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for solodanas.
Vegetables grown in Alaska grow gigantic due to longer
exposure to the sun. Vegetables grown on the sun are planet sized &
already cooked. Yummerific!
Typewriters are a lot like mailmen, they both bring you letters.
The boy who cried wolf made the wolf cry once the wolf heard about his reputation being sullied.
If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.
Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.
When planning for the future use a calendar. When planning for the
past.. don't plan for the past.
Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots inspired Tom Cruise’s role in Risky Business
Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands on 'em.
If your water cries throw it on the fire.
An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.
When face to face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.
Never take a wild stab in the dark.
The grass is always greener when you sneeze.
Wrenches can help build but cannot build other wrenches.
The thrifty superficial hunt for clothing deals in stores. The thrifty stuperficial look for clothing deals in decks of cards.
Dogs are colorblind. That's why you never see any K9 art critics.
All the class's completed assignments are passed up to the teacher. Teachers get things done.
Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire
& throwing it in your face.
When crashing a car on purpose remember you are crashing a car on
"Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts & live there or sell them, you real-estate agents you.
If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...
If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for
help or tell on you.
If you can't beat 'em join 'em.. unless they're beating you.
Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.
The only way to truly lie on a bridge is to get hit by a car. Then you
are lying flat on the bridge.
If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.
If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.
The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say, "Don't forget to give back my clock."
Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.
Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within.
If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf,
buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats an
envelope of varnish & then tackle an infected tree.
Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.
The bequeather passes down money to his family. The dequeather passes croquet mallets upfield at senior tee-ball games.
1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That number is
expected to rise significantly next month, when flying cars become the
A pet turtle is a lot like a taco, it has a hard shell & it upsets you when it spills your cheese.
If second place is the first place loser then second to last place is first place not last place.