Lessons May


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

May
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

May 1
˛⁰01
The fastest way to pass 2 hours is to set your clock wrong & walk by.

˛⁰03
You can't write with a chalkboard.

Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before, like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.
˛⁰03
Confiscating without cause is theft.

If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"

Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.

May is the most polite month.

The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream, although you do.

Digging up a corpse is fun if you don't get done.

If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.

The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.

The old saying, "Put your toaster in the oven it will work better" really means, "Put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat."

Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.

˛⁰04
Eat slowly when wearing a coat.

˛⁰15
If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a vegetable is not a good thing.

˛⁰16
A person who doesn't have a will & keeps all of his money under his bed has an heir mattress.

˛⁰17
If your mind is blown get your skull checked.

May 2
˛⁰03
If you want to sound smart don’t fart!
Don’t fart anyway.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!
˛⁰01
Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you lose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.

˛⁰03


Move to a third world country before you die.

Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.

Magnets have peels in their circuits.

20 candy bars = bag of sugar

A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..

Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.

If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.

If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the form of the back of a shovel).

˛⁰04
You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a lot of glue.

˛⁰15
Everyone who ends up in a grave changes the world.

˛⁰16
If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, let it die again.

˛⁰17
If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.

May 3
˛⁰01
A lesson of/for the day is good for getting people to say go away.

˛⁰03
Homeless people can be homely.
 
Table salt is best used when eating a table.
 
If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.
 
Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.
He may think you said a savage eating!
 
Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear everything.
 
Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.
 
As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
 
Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men in March.
 
How to tell if a kid has talent:
If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.
 
Coin collectors should be rich.
 
Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?
It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.
 
If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that.
 
If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.

˛⁰04
If you smile while soaping up with Dial you could be in a commercial.

When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a natural move to fake one's death.

If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.

When you're told "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.

Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!

˛⁰15
A bicycle without wheels is not a cycle at all.

˛⁰16
Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president!

˛⁰17
If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.

May 4
˛⁰01
Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.
˛⁰04
If you don't care forever you don't care at all.

˛⁰04
Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

You can stop avoiding the Noid now.

When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning incredibly fat guy).

Double your Will power by kidnapping.

˛⁰13
Unlocked safes aren’t safe anymore.

Full is as full as full is.

Stop signs are written in manuscript, quite deceiving.

˛⁰14
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.

˛⁰15
If you own a black cat keep your kids in the corner so it can never cross their path.

˛⁰16
The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is because smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're using our phones.

˛⁰17
If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.

May 5
˛⁰03
If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!

˛⁰04
It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.

Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.

If you get dizzy while eating Doritos® stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning you Frito-Lay)

Don't take candy from strangers. That'sa stealin'.

Double reverse equals go.

˛⁰
13
Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.

˛⁰15
Belenor's 11th sister was named Elanor.

˛⁰16
Don't write a book. Books can't write back.

˛⁰17
If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.

May 6
˛⁰04
The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such.
"Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non inno˘ent.

To live in a land is to live in a cave.

Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one sided conversation.

Headset phones should be called headphones.

Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.


˛⁰14
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts, & people will always like you if you don't have any lies.

˛⁰15
If pennies were made of Lincoln impersonators they'd be worth more than 1 cent.

˛⁰16
Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

˛⁰17
Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.

May 7
˛⁰01
If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.
˛⁰13
Water is better than fodder.

˛⁰04
Ground up=Air

Every friend has an end.

Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.

Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.

When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

˛⁰
13
Every boat needs a row bot.

˛⁰15
The reason we pay attention is because it is so valuable to others.

˛⁰16
If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.

˛⁰17
If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your cap.

May 8

˛⁰02
If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:
Wherever you find money on the ground.

˛⁰04
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say, "Slack!" as a sound effect.

˛⁰01
The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.

˛⁰04
When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.

Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!
Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a normal thing.

Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.

Strong men can turn cans into can knots.

With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.

˛⁰15
I guarantee my new line of steam soap will be a hot seller.

˛⁰16
A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.

˛⁰17
If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good because long poles are riddled with germites.

May 9
˛⁰01
Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This especially goes for factory workers.
˛⁰02
You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

˛⁰13
Being a medical patient makes you patient.

˛⁰15
Some people are such cowards that when it comes down to it they can't even save a buck!

˛⁰16
Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in it.

˛⁰17
Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.

May 10
˛⁰01
An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.

˛⁰13
A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.

˛⁰15
Burying bunnies in a cotton field is like giving them unmarked graves.

˛⁰16
Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.

˛⁰17
If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it correctly.

May 11
˛⁰01
Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to light up the night where a gas main ruptured.

˛⁰13
Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.

˛⁰15
This is a trick question.

˛⁰16
A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."

˛⁰17
If your armchair was made in America it has a free loaded gun hidden inside!

May 12
˛⁰09
Zebras were glad when prison jump suits were changed from striped to solid colors.

˛⁰13
The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n

˛⁰15
The first name "Real" will grow in popularity so future generations' twitter handles will make more sense.

˛⁰16
Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.

˛⁰17
If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.

May 13
˛⁰09
If you're a man and you think the woman's place is the kitchen that is fine to think but just don't ever say it out loud.

˛⁰13
Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck in its head.

˛⁰15
The word "good" doesn't look good. It is filled with holes!

˛⁰16
Don't get wasted but don't get used either.

˛⁰17
If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.

May 14
˛⁰01
The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.
˛⁰07
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off confusion.

˛⁰07
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.

Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag. However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.

Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.

Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.

Boys will be boys.. until they group up.

Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.

Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.

Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat after about 15 minutes.

Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.

˛⁰15
Robots will use curly landline phone cords for their weaves. So keep some extras in your pockets because fembots will rob you for phone cords instead of money.

˛⁰16
Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't a lot of rope hanging around.

˛⁰17
If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.

May 15
˛⁰03
Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.
˛⁰01
Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.

˛⁰05
The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.

Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.

Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.

You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.

When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.

Americans prefer to store fat in their spare tire rather than air.

One thing that can RUIN YOUR LIFE.. brand cereal™ is running out of milk.

Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its description resembles that of The Hulk.

The highest that one can count is in an airplane.

Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

Taking action is taking action.

If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.

Driveways are used for parking too.

If you act stupid that means you're really smart.

When it rains it pours but not rain.

Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces, but don't worry you won't have to wave much, if at all.

You cannot plan to make mistakes.

People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.

Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie Horse because horses are brown sometimes.

To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.

Wealthy people usually have a wealth of arrogance.

An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog on a hog eating a hog.

Flashback Edition:
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.


˛⁰07
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.

Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.

If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it sad and then it will rain.

Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.

If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in the reply, say "Because I don't know."

Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.

To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has bark.

If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If you're red you're corn-fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you laughed at this list you're a racist.

Physical fights always have sore losers.

˛⁰15
If someone tells you "I'm quite a catch," remember in fishing quite catches are hard to get.

˛⁰16
Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.

˛⁰17
If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is killing me!"

May 16
˛⁰03
If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!

˛⁰05
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

People who are underweight are easily crushed.

The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.

It is called beauty sleep yet most people who claim it look terrible in the morning.

Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised.

You gotta fight for your right to party but not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on time!

Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.

Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.

If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.

When life gets you down say, "Thank you."

There is a surplus of idiocy in the world today yet idiocy is very costly.

Exit signs never leave.

So much in life is a mystery but mostly just history.

It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.

Being selfish isn't being like yourself but liking yourself too much.

Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.

You shouldn't worry that people who say to you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.
Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in your sleep.

It isn't wise to be stupid.

Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.

A good place to fast is to fast in your seatbelt.

A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

Having a club foot & knowing a martial art would be a fun combination.

Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.

Left just isn't right.

˛⁰07
It is better to be insane than incrazy.

Never underestimate the number nine.

Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug into learning.

Dotted I's are I lids.

Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.

Think before you act or you'll act dumb.

Computers are like people the older they get the slower they are.

If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.

There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really distracts from the show.

If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for you yet!

If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you shouldn't have tried this at all.

Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say that it's a new style of tattoo.

˛⁰15
If a ghost invited you to dinner you would be eating alive animals & fruits attached to roots.

˛⁰16
Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside. You've gotta choose a side!

˛⁰17
If you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt & shoes to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.

May 17
˛⁰05
Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.

The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.

If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.

Small rocks are trustworthy.

A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.

If danger is your middle name your parents were quite fearless people.

'People who need people' are agents & lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?

Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.

People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.

The worst way to teach your child about sex is by personally putting on a demonstration of how it is done.

A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.

Being safe doesn't involve bees.

Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"

Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.

You can't always say, "the right thing" because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.

Fans catch baseball games, the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they kinda look like shooting stars too.

Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.

Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.

Flashback Edition:
You can change the world if you use a shovel.


People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.


Right angles like to gloat.

˛⁰07
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they never choose to get a job.

If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.

In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten your own hand.

It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.

If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.

It is not OK 2 OD.

If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you actually wanted.

When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square. Well.. not square.

People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.

Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have caused it. Eat pie instead.

Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.

˛⁰15
If there was just one parachute left on earth it would only be useful for jumping off of a cliff.

˛⁰16
A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.

˛⁰17
If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton that fame is better had after death.

May 18
˛⁰05
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.

A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.

Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.

Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it by choice.

Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

Drifters don't walk with a purpose.

Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

Feather dusters are used to dust feather dusters.

It is good to lend a helping hand, as long as it hasn't been severed, unless of course someone needs a new hand.

When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.

Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"

Having a pitiful life stinks.

Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.

Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.

Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.

The sun played a concert & it did a sun set.

I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.

Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.

People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going but they do know where they have been.


Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.

Ignorant Lesson:
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.


˛⁰07
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it in their back.

People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties, and hundreds.

Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term miscommunication was created.

Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.

All reptiles are cold hearted.

Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."

Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're alone.

Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.

˛⁰15
It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.

˛⁰16
Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the other side as a mechanic!

˛⁰17
If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.

May 19
˛⁰04
If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.

˛⁰05
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

Love can be fleeting but so can ships.

You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.

If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.

Lazy people try to jog their memories of things to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

I sght s precous because wthout t multtudes of words wouldn't be dscernble.

Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.

Every time you turn the page know that in that time you did age.

If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.

Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine because it is painfully cold there.

To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.

It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.

Cows never utter a word.

Taking things out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.

Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.

The reason math is important is because of the principle of divide & conquer.

Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.

People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.

Drinking from a straw always sucks.

You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

˛⁰07
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.

Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.

Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work late.

Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their home planet.

A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.

You can't take public transportation to a private event.

If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle 'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap. Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so could you help me out?" [Slap!]

The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.

˛⁰15
In some cultures they wear pants to hold up their belts because their English is so bad they call pants belts.

˛⁰16
Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.

˛⁰17
If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they love sleeping in craters.

May 20
˛⁰05
Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong name tag.

Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.

˛⁰04
Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.

˛⁰05
If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.
If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of life.

Many people can spell but few can dispel.

The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

With so many lessons in mid-May you may have trouble remembering them. So it's a good thing we didn't make them useful.

Spending time & spending money can occur at the same time.

People who drive recklessly seem to wreck the most.

Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

"Free!" is always a good sign.

It is common practice for people to push themselves to further their career.

The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.

Scooters don't sound as though they would be fast vehicles.

Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.

Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.

Bicycles will let anyone ride them.

Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.

You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.

The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.

Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.

˛⁰15
Great minds actually think exactly alike but when born in different time zones they think 1 or more hours off from each other.

˛⁰16
Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.

˛⁰17
If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.

May 21
˛⁰04
It is pointless to punch sand.

˛⁰05
Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.

The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.

People with determination need to make a choice.

No one has ever run out of time before.

The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.

Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.

Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.

Courts always buy sturdy tables.

The straw that broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.

People with time to spare rarely give it to others.

The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.

It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.

If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."

Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people do it!

The past creates the present.

It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.

Face the facts. Read a book.

You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range. All you need is to be a fat young man.

Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.


When you miss someone, try again.

Flashback Edition:

The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

˛⁰15
Werewolves suffer from narcolepsy & amnesia.

˛⁰16
Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.

˛⁰17
If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.

May 22
˛⁰09
Keeping in touch with someone usually doesn't involve the sense of touch but rather that of the sense of hearing.

˛⁰13
The best vehicle to get in a wreck with is an ambulance.

˛⁰15
Recipes are food for thought.

˛⁰16
Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.

˛⁰17
If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?

May 23
˛⁰03
When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the door bell next time.

˛⁰13
The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.

˛⁰15
Keep your chin up, stop looking at your phone all the time.

˛⁰16
Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies shooting you with love arrows of their own.

˛⁰17
If you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping your pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in trouble.

May 24
˛⁰03
If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.
˛⁰13
Poor attributes need enrichment.

˛⁰14
Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires eat space beef.

˛⁰15
All of us can shoot spider webs, with our guns.

˛⁰16
Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.

˛⁰17
If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."

May 25
˛⁰13
Soldiers fill in the blanks with b_ullets.
˛⁰09
Heaven:  If you don't know you won't go.

˛⁰14
If your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't know what page they are on.

˛⁰15
Greedy parachutes take too many people along.

˛⁰16
If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top bunk.

˛⁰17
If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons & blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.

May 26
˛⁰09
Exercising on a stair-stepper is a lot more fun if you imagine that you are squashing grapes.

˛⁰13
People who repeat themselves are always repeating themselves.

˛⁰15
If it weren't for ghost repairmen there would be a whole lot more resurrections.

˛⁰16
The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.

˛⁰17
If you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have this happen again!

May 27
˛⁰07
Basic Atheist/Christian Debate:
Atheist: "I know more than you."
Christian: "I know someone you don't know."

˛⁰13
You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.
You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.
You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.

˛⁰15
The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel was a barrel of monkeys.

˛⁰16
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.

X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.

˛⁰17
If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.

May 28
˛⁰09
If we used leaves as paper it would be just like recycling except you wouldn't have to.

˛⁰13
Hole punchers are useless.

˛⁰14
Only super villains put paper towels in the ocean to suck up all the water so they can send it to another planet to create life there.

˛⁰15
You eat a lot of corn if you have cob webs.

˛⁰16
Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.

Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in front of reality.

˛⁰17
If you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.

May 29
˛⁰09
Don't wet your whistle because whistles sound better when dry.

˛⁰13
With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.

˛⁰14
Makeup is beards for ladies.

˛⁰15
Be glad buttons aren't mini-zippers instead.

˛⁰16
Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.

˛⁰17
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry. I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!

May 30
˛⁰09
Less is more.. but not really.
˛⁰14
You can't make fun of something that is already fun just like you can't make a pie that is already made!

˛⁰13
People who do security at shoe factories have to pay very close attention due to all of the sneakers.

˛⁰15
Since mummies & zombies are dead they also have ghosts, yet you never see them team up with their ghosts.

˛⁰16
Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.

˛⁰17
The reasons you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some people love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an arrow˛.

May 31
˛⁰03
When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

˛⁰13
Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"

˛⁰14
Lmbo looks like you tried to say Limbo but you were limboing while writing it so you missed the i.

˛⁰15
This is how a robot types goodnight.

˛⁰16
If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!

˛⁰17
If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're going to eat you.

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

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May Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
Confiscating without cause is theft.

If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"

Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you lose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.



Move to a third world country before you die.

If you don't care forever you don't care at all.

Water is better than fodder.

The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.

When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.

Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!

You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off confusion.

Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.

Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.

If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.

Poor attributes need enrichment.

Heaven:  If you don't know you won't go.

You can't make fun of something that is already fun just like you can't make a pie that is already made!

Original Versions of Changed Lessons:
5/1
The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream although you do.

The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better" really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.'

Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.

Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.

5/3
If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.

A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to say go away.

Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president.

5/5
Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.

5/7
All good friends eventually have a dead end.

5/8
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say <i>slack</i> as a sound effect.

5/9
Some people are such cowards when it comes down to it they can't even save a buck!

5/12
The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n

5/15
Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at all.

One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cerealTM is running out of milk.

5/16
Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.

When life gets you down say "Thank you."

If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for you yet.

5/17
The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.

Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.

You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.

5/18
Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.

Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.

5/19
Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make sense.

Every time you turn the page know that in the time you spent on that you did age.

5/20
With so many lessons in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.

5/21
Face the facts. Read a book.

You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range. All you need is to be a fat young man.

When you miss someone try again.

The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

5/27
You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.
You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.
You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.