Lessons May


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

May
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

May 1
²⁰01
The fastest way to pass 2 hours is to set your clock wrong & walk by.

²⁰03
You can't write with a chalkboard.

When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

May is the most polite month.

The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream although you do.

Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.

If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.

The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.

The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better" really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.'

²⁰15
If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a vegetable is not a good thing.
²⁰03
Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.

Confiscating without cause is theft.

If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"

Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.

Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.

²⁰04
Eat slowly when wearing a coat.

²⁰16
A person who doesn't have a will & keeps all of his money under his bed has an heir mattress.

May 2
²⁰03
If you want to sound smart don’t fart!
Don’t fart anyway.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!

Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.

Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.

If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.

Move to a third world country before you die.

If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the form of the back of a shovel).

²⁰04
You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a lot of glue.

²⁰15
Everyone who ends up in a grave changes the world.
²⁰01
Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you lose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.

²⁰03
Magnets have peels in their circuits.

20 candy bars = bag of sugar

A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..



²⁰16
If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, let it die again.

May 3
²⁰03
Homeless people can be homely.
 
Table salt is best used when eating a table.

As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.

How to tell if a kid has talent:
If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.
 
Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters? It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.

If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that.

If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.

²⁰04
If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.

If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.

When you're told "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.

Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!
²⁰01
A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to say go away.

²⁰03
If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.

Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.
He may think you said a savage eating!

Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear everything.
 
Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.

Coin collectors should be rich.

Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men in March.

²⁰04
When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a natural move to fake one's death.

²⁰15
A bicycle without wheels is not a cycle at all.
²⁰16
Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president.


May 4
²⁰01
Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.

²⁰04
Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

You can stop avoiding the Noid now.
²⁰04
If you don't care forever you don't care at all.

When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning incredibly fat guy).

²⁰15
If you own a black cat keep your kids in the corner so it can never cross their path.

Double your Will power by kidnapping.

²⁰13
Unlocked safes aren’t safe anymore.

Full is as full as full is.

Stop signs are written in manuscript, quite deceiving.

²⁰14
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.

²⁰16
The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is because smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're using our phones.

May 5
²⁰03
If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!

²⁰04
It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.

Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.

If you get dizzy while eating Doritos® stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning you Frito-Lay)

Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.

Double reverse equals go.

²⁰
13
Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.

²⁰15
Belenor's 11th sister was named Elanor.

²⁰16
Don't write a book. Books can't write back.

May 6
²⁰04
The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such.
"Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non inno¢ent.

To live in a land is to live in a cave.
²⁰04
Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one sided conversation.

Headset phones should be called headphones.

Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.

²⁰14
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts, & people will always like you if you don't have any lies.

²⁰15
If pennies were made of Lincoln impersonators they'd be worth more than 1 cent.

²⁰16
Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

May 7
²⁰01
If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.

²⁰04
Ground up=Air

All good friends eventually have a dead end.

Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.

Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.

When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

²⁰
13
Every boat needs a row bot.

²⁰15
The reason we pay attention is because it is so valuable to others.
²⁰13
Water is better than fodder.

²⁰16
If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.

May 8

²⁰02
If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:
Wherever you find money on the ground.

²⁰04
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say slack as a sound effect.

Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a normal thing.

Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.

Strong men can turn cans into can knots.

With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.

²⁰15
I guarantee my new line of steam soap will be a hot seller.
²⁰01
The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.

²⁰04
When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.

Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!

²⁰16
A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.

May 9
²⁰01
Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This especially goes for factory workers.

²⁰13
Being a medical patient makes you patient.

²⁰15
Some people are such cowards when it comes down to it they can't even save a buck!
²⁰02
You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.

²⁰16
Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in it.

May 10
²⁰01
An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.

²⁰13
A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.

²⁰15
Burying bunnies in a cotton field is like giving them unmarked graves.

²⁰16
Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.

May 11
²⁰01
Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to light up the night where a gas main ruptured.

²⁰13
Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.

²⁰15
This is a trick question.

²⁰16
A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."

May 12
²⁰09
Zebras were glad when prison jump suits were changed from striped to solid colors.

²⁰13
The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n

²⁰15
The first name "Real" will grow in popularity so future generations' twitter handles will make more sense.

²⁰16
Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.

May 13
²⁰09
If you're a man and you think the woman's place is the kitchen that is fine to think but just don't ever say it out loud.

²⁰13
Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck in its head.

²⁰15
The word "good" doesn't look good. It is filled with holes!

²⁰16
Don't get wasted but don't get used either.

May 14
²⁰01
The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.

²⁰07
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.

Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag. However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.

Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.

Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.

Boys will be boys.. until they group up.

Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.

Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat after about 15 minutes.

Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.

²⁰15
Robots will use curly landline phone cords for their weaves. So keep some extras in your pockets because fembots will rob you for phone cords instead of money.
²⁰07
Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.

Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off confusion.

²⁰16
Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't a lot of rope hanging around.

May 15
²⁰03
Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.

²⁰05
The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.

Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.

You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.

Americans prefer to store fat in their spare tire rather than air.
²⁰01
Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.

²⁰
05
People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.

When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.

If you act stupid that means you're really smart.

When it rains it pours but not rain.

People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.

One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cereal™ is running out of milk.

Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its description resembles that of The Hulk.

The highest that one can count is in an airplane.

Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

Taking action is taking action.

If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.

Driveways are used for parking too.

Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at all.

You cannot plan to make mistakes.

Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie Horse because horses are brown sometimes.

To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.

Wealthy people often have a wealth of arrogance.

An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog on a hog eating a hog.

Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.

²⁰07
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.

Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.

If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it sad and then it will rain.

Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.

If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in the reply, say "Because I don't know."

Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.

To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has bark.

If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If you're red you're corn-fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you laughed at this list you're a racist.

Physical fights always have sore losers.

²⁰15
If someone tells you "I'm quite a catch," remember in fishing quite catches are hard to get.

²⁰16
Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.

May 16
²⁰03
If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!

²⁰05
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.

It is called beauty sleep yet most people who claim it look terrible in the morning.

Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.
²⁰05
People who are underweight are easily crushed.

Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.

So much in life is a mystery but mostly just history.

It isn't wise to be stupid.

Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.

You gotta fight for your right to party but not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on time!

Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.

If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.

When life gets you down say "Thank you."

There is a surplus of idiocy in the world today yet idiocy is very costly.

Exit signs never leave.

It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.

Being selfish isn't being like yourself but liking yourself too much.

Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.

You shouldn't worry that people who say to you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep. Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in your sleep.

Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.

A good place to fast is to fast in your seatbelt.

A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

Having a club foot & knowing a martial art would be a fun combination.

Left just isn't right.

²⁰07
It is better to be insane than incrazy.

Never underestimate the number nine.

Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug into learning.

Dotted I's are I lids.

Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.

Think before you act or you'll act dumb.

Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.

If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.

There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really distracts from the show.

If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for you yet.

If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you shouldn't have tried this at all.

Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say that it's a new style of tattoo.

²⁰15
If a ghost invited you to dinner you would be eating alive animals & fruits attached to roots.

²⁰16
Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside. You've gotta choose a side!

May 17
²⁰05
Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.

The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.

If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.

A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.
²⁰05
Small rocks are trustworthy.

Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.

²⁰07
It is not OK 2 OD.

If danger is your middle name your parents were quite fearless people.

'People who need people' are agents & lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?

Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.

People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.

A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.

Being safe doesn't involve bees.

Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"

Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.

You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.

Fans catch baseball games, the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they kinda look like shooting stars too.

Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.

You can change the world if you use a shovel.


People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.


Right angles like to gloat.

²⁰07
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.

If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.

In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten your own hand.

It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.

If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.

If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you actually wanted.

When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square. Well.. not square.

People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.

Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have caused it. Eat pie instead.

Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.

²⁰15
If there was just one parachute left on earth it would only be useful for jumping off of a cliff.

²⁰16
A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.

May 18
²⁰05
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.

A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.

Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.

Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

Feather dusters are used to dust feather dusters.
²⁰05
Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it by choice.

Drifters don't walk with a purpose.

Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.

Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.

It is good to lend a helping hand, as long as it hasn't been severed, unless of course someone needs a new hand.

When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.

Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"

Having a pitiful life stinks.

Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.

Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.

Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.

The sun played a concert & it did a sun set.

I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.

Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.

People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going but they do know where they have been.


Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.

²⁰07
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it in their back.

People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties, and hundreds.

Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term miscommunication was created.

All reptiles are cold hearted.

Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."

Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're alone.

Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.

²⁰15
It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.

²⁰16
Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the other side as a mechanic!

May 19
²⁰04
If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.

²⁰05
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

Love can be fleeting but so can ships.

You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.

If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.
²⁰05
Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

Lazy people try to jog their memories of things to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make sense.

Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.

Every time you turn the page know that in the time you spent on that you did age.

If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.

Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine because it is painfully cold there.

To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.

It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.

Cows never utter a word.

It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.

Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.

The reason math is important is because of the principle of divide & conquer.

Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.

People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.

Drinking from a straw always sucks.

You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

²⁰07
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.

Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.

Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work late.

Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their home planet.

A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.

You can't take public transportation to a private event.

If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle 'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap. Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so could you help me out?" [Slap!]

The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.

²⁰15
In some cultures they wear pants to hold up their belts because their English is so bad they call pants belts.

²⁰16
Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.

May 20
²⁰05
Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong name tag.

Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.

If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of life.

Many people can spell but few can dispel.

The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

With so many lessons in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.

Spending time & spending money can occur at the same time.

People who drive recklessly seem to wreck the most.

Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

"Free!" is always a good sign.

It is common practice for people to push themselves to further their career.

If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.

The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.

Scooters don't sound as though they would be fast vehicles.

Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.

Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.

Bicycles will let anyone ride them.

Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.

You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.

The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.

Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.

²⁰15
Great minds actually think exactly alike but when born in different time zones they think 1 or more hours off from each other.
²⁰04
Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.

²⁰16
Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.

May 21
²⁰04
It is pointless to punch sand.

²⁰05
The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.
²⁰05
People with determination need to make a choice.

Face the facts. Read a book.

Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use
Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.

No one has ever run out of time before.

The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.

Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.

Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.

Courts always buy sturdy tables.

The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.

People with time to spare rarely give it to others.

The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.

It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.

If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."

Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people do it!

The past creates the present.

It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.

You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range all you need is to be a fat young man.

Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.


When you miss someone try again.

The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

²⁰15
Werewolves suffer from narcolepsy & amnesia.

²⁰16
Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.

May 22
²⁰09
Keeping in touch with someone usually doesn't involve the sense of touch but rather that of the sense of hearing.

²⁰13
The best vehicle to get in a wreck with is an ambulance.

²⁰15
Recipes are food for thought.

²⁰16
Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.

May 23
²⁰03
When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the door bell next time.

²⁰13
The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.

²⁰15
Keep your chin up, stop looking at your phone all the time.

²⁰16
Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies shooting you with love arrows of their own.

May 24
²⁰03
If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

²⁰13
Poor attributes need enrichment.

²⁰14
Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires eat space beef.

²⁰15
All of us can shoot spider webs, with our guns.

²⁰16
Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.

May 25
²⁰13
Soldiers fill in the blanks with b_ullets.

²⁰14
If your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't know what page they are on.

²⁰15
Greedy parachutes take too many people along.
²⁰09
Heaven:  If you don't know you won't go.

²⁰16
If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top bunk.

May 26
²⁰09
Exercising on a stair-stepper is a lot more fun if you imagine that you are squashing grapes.

²⁰13
People who repeat themselves are always repeating themselves.

²⁰15
If it weren't for ghost repairmen there would be a whole lot more resurrections.

²⁰16
The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.

May 27
²⁰07
Basic Atheist/Christian Debate:
Atheist: "I know more than you."
Christian: "I know someone you don't know."

²⁰13
You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.
You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.
You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.

²⁰15
The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel was a barrel of monkeys.

²⁰16
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.

X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.

May 28
²⁰09
If we used leaves as paper it would be just like recycling except you wouldn't have to.

²⁰13
Hole punchers are useless.

²⁰14
Only super villains put paper towels in the ocean to suck up all the water so they can send it to another planet to create life there.

²⁰15
You eat a lot of corn if you have cob webs.

²⁰16
Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.

Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in front of reality.

May 29
²⁰09
Don't wet your whistle because whistles sound better when dry.

²⁰13
With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.

²⁰14
Makeup is beards for ladies.

²⁰15
Be glad buttons aren't mini-zippers instead.

²⁰16
Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.

May 30
²⁰09
Less is more.. but not really.

²⁰13
People who do security at shoe factories have to pay very close attention due to all of the sneakers.

²⁰14
You can't make fun of something that is already fun just like you can't make a pie that is already made!

²⁰15
Since mummies & zombies are dead they also have ghosts, yet you never see them team up with their ghosts.

²⁰16
Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.

May 31
²⁰03
When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.

²⁰13
Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"

²⁰14
Lmbo looks like you tried to say Limbo but you were limboing while writing it so you missed the i.

²⁰15
This is how a robot types goodnight.

²⁰16
If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!

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