The fastest way to pass 2 hours is to set your clock wrong & walk
You can't write with a chalkboard.
Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before, like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.
Confiscating without cause is theft.
If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"
Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.
When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.
May is the most polite month.
The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream, although you do.
Digging up a corpse is fun if you don't get done.
If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.
The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.
The old saying, "Put your toaster in the oven it will work better"
really means, "Put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat."
Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.
Eat slowly when wearing a coat.
it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a
vegetable is not a good thing.
A person who doesn't have a will & keeps all of his money under his bed has an heir mattress.
If your mind is blown get your skull checked.
If you want to sound smart don’t fart!
Don’t fart anyway.
Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr.
Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!
Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you lose you won't feel as bad
because you think you were already there.
Move to a third world country before you die.
Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.
Magnets have peels in their circuits.
20 candy bars = bag of sugar
A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..
Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.
If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life
When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either
increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.
If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the
form of the back of a shovel).
You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a
lot of glue.
who ends up in a grave changes the world.
If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, let it die again.
If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.
A lesson of/for the day is good for getting people to say go away.
Homeless people can be homely.
Table salt is best used when eating a table.
If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.
Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.
He may think you said a savage eating!
Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear
Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.
As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men
How to tell if a kid has talent:
If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it
the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.
Coin collectors should be rich.
Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?
It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.
If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny
If you need money
get rid of your toilet
& sell fertilizer.
If you smile while soaping up with Dial you could be in a commercial.
When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a
natural move to fake one's death.
If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your
When you're told "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear
almonds too, just for good measure.
Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!
bicycle without wheels is not a cycle at all.
Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president!
If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.
Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.
If you don't care forever you don't care at all.
Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations
require dicing action.
You can stop avoiding the Noid now.
When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning
incredibly fat guy).
Double your Will power by kidnapping.
Unlocked safes aren’t safe anymore.
Full is as full as full is.
Stop signs are written in manuscript, quite deceiving.
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.
you own a black cat keep your kids in the corner so it can never
cross their path.
The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is
because smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're
using our phones.
If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.
If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!
It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.
Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.
If you get dizzy while eating Doritos®
stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning
Don't take candy from strangers. That'sa stealin'.
Double reverse equals go.
Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life
There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.
11th sister was named Elanor.
Don't write a book. Books can't write back.
If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.
The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between
two fat people & should only be replicated as such.
"Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non
To live in a land is to live in a cave.
Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice
Headset phones should be called headphones.
go seek gone wrong:
You have a skeleton in your closet.
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts,
& people will always like you if you don't have any lies.
pennies were made of Lincoln impersonators they'd be worth more than 1 cent.
Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.
Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.
If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic
bag with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside
because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.
Water is better than fodder.
Every friend has an end.
Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.
Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.
When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.
Every boat needs a row bot.
reason we pay attention is because it is so valuable to others.
If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.
If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your cap.
Being hesitant of speaking in a
difficult situation is a
normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it
is not a normal thing.
Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.
If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:
Wherever you find money on the ground.
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say, "Slack!" as a sound effect.
The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash
When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.
Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson
Strong men can turn cans into can knots.
With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.
guarantee my new line of steam soap will be a hot seller.
A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.
If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good because long poles are riddled with germites.
Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This especially goes for factory workers.
You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.
Being a medical patient makes you patient.
Some people are such cowards that when it comes down to it they can't even save a buck!
Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in it.
Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.
An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one
up if you're late.
A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.
bunnies in a cotton field is like giving them unmarked graves.
Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.
If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it correctly.
Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to
light up the night where a gas main ruptured.
Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are
always looking for a hand out.
This is a trick question.
A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."
If your armchair was made in America it has a free loaded gun hidden inside!
Zebras were glad when prison jump suits were changed from striped to
The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n
first name "Real" will grow in popularity so future generations'
twitter handles will make more sense.
Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.
If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.
If you're a man and you think the woman's place is the kitchen that is
fine to think but just don't ever say it out loud.
Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck
in its head.
word "good" doesn't look good. It is filled with holes!
Don't get wasted but don't get used either.
If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.
The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag.
However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.
Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.
Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.
Boys will be boys.. until they group up.
Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.
Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.
Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat
after about 15 minutes.
Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.
will use curly landline phone cords for their weaves. So keep some extras in your
pockets because fembots will rob you for phone cords instead of money.
Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't a lot of rope hanging around.
If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.
Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.
Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does
not have seed in it.
˛⁰05The funniest things
in life are always
unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns &
People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.
Face your fears by
doodling & make them
look friendly so you will no longer fear them.
Be cautious of being
too cautious such as
being cautious about being cautious.
You shouldn't fight
over friends unless they
are shorter than you.
When you express
happiness when someone has
died that is good mourning.
Americans prefer to
store fat in their spare
tire rather than air.
One thing that can RUIN YOUR LIFE.. brand cereal™ is running out of milk.
incredibly dangerous because its
description resembles that of The Hulk.
The highest that one
can count is in an
Wild celebrations may
lead to dangerous
Taking action is
If you have to
consult your physician you
need a new one.
Driveways are used
for parking too.
If you act stupid
that means you're really
When it rains it pours but not rain.
Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces, but don't worry you won't have to wave much, if at all.
You cannot plan to
People who use drugs
usually get their brains
Charlie Brown could
have been called Charlie
Horse because horses are brown sometimes.
To keep warm in a
blizzard use a blanket of
usually have a wealth of
An obese biker eating
a ham sandwich is a hog
on a hog eating a hog.
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.
Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and
marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren
celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.
If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it sad and then it will rain.
Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.
If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in the reply, say "Because I don't know."
Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.
To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has bark.
If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If
you're red you're corn-fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick
type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you
laughed at this list you're a racist.
Physical fights always have sore losers.
someone tells you "I'm quite a catch," remember in fishing quite
catches are hard to get.
Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.
If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is killing me!"
If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take
People who are underweight are easily crushed.
The most common
things raised on Amish farms
are barns & children.
It is called beauty
sleep yet most people who
claim it look terrible in the morning.
Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which
you aren't poised.
You gotta fight for
your right to party but
not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on
is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.
Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.
If you want to reach
your full potential use
When life gets you
down say, "Thank you."
There is a surplus of
idiocy in the world
today yet idiocy is very costly.
Exit signs never leave.
So much in life is a
mystery but mostly just
It isn't a good idea
to scratch your head.
Being selfish isn't
being like yourself but
liking yourself too much.
Booby traps are the
best traps to fall into.
You shouldn't worry
that people who say to
you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.
Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in
It isn't wise to be
Slick surfaces are
revered by nerd surfaces.
A good place to fast
is to fast in your
A pick ax is like a
magic 8 ball except used
for much more dangerous decisions.
Having a club foot
& knowing a martial
art would be a fun combination.
Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.
Left just isn't right.
It is better to be insane than incrazy.
Never underestimate the number nine.
Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug
Dotted I's are I lids.
Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.
Think before you act or you'll act dumb.
Computers are like people the older they get the slower they are.
If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.
There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs
as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend
is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really
distracts from the show.
If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for
If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you
shouldn't have tried this at all.
Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say
that it's a new style of tattoo.
a ghost invited you to dinner you would be eating alive animals & fruits attached to roots.
Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside. You've gotta choose a side!
you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt & shoes
to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.
Most people never get their deepest desires
because they can't stand the pressure.
The sky is the limit
but not for astronauts.
People who tend to
panic for no apparent
reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to
because they were never calm to begin with
The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.
If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken
Small rocks are trustworthy.
A friendly smile can
light up a person's day
but so can giving the person a lamp.
If danger is your
middle name your parents
were quite fearless people.
'People who need
people' are agents &
lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?
Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.
People who are bitter
should have never been
tasted in the first place.
The worst way to teach your child about sex is by personally putting on a demonstration of how it is done.
A club sandwich is
the easiest club to join.
Being safe doesn't involve bees.
Simply breathing can
be referred to as
"blowing your nose"
Only fools rush
in..to things while in
You can't always say, "the right thing" because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.
Fans catch baseball
games, the baseball
players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.
Airplanes are easier
to wish upon & they
kinda look like shooting stars too.
Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.
Gaining weight isn't
enough you must keep it
to impress people who eat lots of pie.
You can change the world if you use a shovel.
People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.
Right angles like to
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they never choose to get a job.
If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.
In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten
your own hand.
It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.
If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.
It is not OK 2 OD.
If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your
presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you
When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square.
Well.. not square.
People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.
Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have
caused it. Eat pie instead.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.
there was just one parachute left on earth it would only be useful for jumping
off of a cliff.
A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.
If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton that fame is better had after death.
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion
A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.
everything you hear because
sometimes you will hear lies.
Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it
isn't listening to a
Drifters don't walk
with a purpose.
Someone who mimics
you without permission is
guilty of copyright infringement.
Feather dusters are
used to dust feather
It is good to lend a helping hand, as
it hasn't been severed, unless of course someone needs a new hand.
When everything is
fine it is hard to see yet
enjoyable to look at.
Walking past the past
benefits you none &
you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like
that one lesson"
Having a pitiful life
Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell
money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.
Sadly in the 80s many
poor kids had to play
with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.
Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.
Be patient with your
enemies because if you
don't they will kill you sooner.
The sun played a
concert & it did a sun
I don't mean to burst
your bubble & that
is why I made this lesson instead.
Just as the USA has a
threat level color
system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly
People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going
but they do know where they have been.
Some people tell you
"It is not polite to
point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.
Bad company corrupts
good characters. We're
talking about Warner Brothers.
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it
in their back.
People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties,
Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term
miscommunication was created.
Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.
All reptiles are cold hearted.
Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a
hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."
Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that
protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're
Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.
worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the other side as a mechanic!
If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.
If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.
˛⁰05A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.
Love can be fleeting
but so can ships.
You can't pick your
family but you can pick
a police line up.
If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.
Lazy people try to jog their memories
things to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers
talk about jogging.
I sght s precous because wthout t multtudes of words wouldn't be dscernble.
Surprisingly it is
more dangerous to carry a
windshield around in a hurricane.
Every time you turn the page know that in that time you did age.
If practice makes
perfect then no one has
If someone knocks a
hole in the wall let them
know they were supposed to knock on the door.
Be careful what you
wish for because you are
almost certain to be disappointed.
If you enjoy pain you
may also enjoy Maine
because it is painfully cold there.
To think &
blink at the same time you
probably have to be thinking about blinking.
It is not what you do
that counts but rather
why you do it. Unless what you do is count.
Cows never utter a
Taking things out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only
one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is
It is wise to say to
your clock "Do not be
Being in trouble
isn't as bad as being in
lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure
more people think "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in
trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't
alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.
Most people just
condition their air rather
than their bodies.
The reason math is
important is because
of the principle of divide & conquer.
Violence is never the
answer because there is
no question as to whether you should use it.
People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.
Drinking from a straw always sucks.
You cannot put a
piranha in a toilet as a
practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously
wasn't your friend.
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.
Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but
if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do
it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.
Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work
Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their
A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.
You can't take public transportation to a private event.
If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was
the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want
some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That
fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me
son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll
spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks
later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends
with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle
'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their
cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll
start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss
me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of
my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap.
Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out except that the latest fad is listening to
your dad. I am confused and don't know what to do but I think I'll go
get that hat you were talking about. And by the way dad do you have any
money I'm running low so could you help me out?" [Slap!]
The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
some cultures they wear pants to hold up their belts because their English is
so bad they call pants belts.
Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.
If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they love sleeping in craters.
If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that
makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of
Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are
accidentally given the wrong name tag.
Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.
Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.
If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.
Many people can spell but few can dispel.
The catapult wasn't named as such because it
launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.
Sharing is halfway between giving &
taking yet so few can make this compromise.
With so many lessons in mid-May you may have trouble remembering them. So it's a good thing we didn't make them useful.
Spending time & spending money can occur
at the same time.
People who drive recklessly seem to wreck
Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if
you are a bad photographer.
"Free!" is always a good sign.
It is common practice for people to push themselves to
further their career.
The more light you let in the more the light
lets you out.
Scooters don't sound as though they would be
Be sure to understand the difference in
figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order..
shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them
around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.
Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.
It is important to give a kind word every
once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.
Bicycles will let anyone ride them.
Try to get someone to wish you well at their
You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on
harnesses because they always let you down.
The tv news is the quickest & easiest
place to catch the blues.
Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you
exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.
Great minds actually think exactly alike but when born in different time zones
they think 1 or more hours off from each other.
Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.
If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.
It is pointless to punch sand.
˛⁰05Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to
The tallest man
always benefits the most from
People with determination need to make a choice.
No one has ever run
out of time before.
The color of your
skin doesn't matter unless
want to tan or you
Being in the company
of strangers is strange
Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their
Courts always buy
The straw that broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.
You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because
you may hurt
People with time to spare rarely give it to others.
The best way to learn
is by experience yet
few want to use this method to learn about death.
It isn't possible to
tell someone a secret.
Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.
If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."
Being sick isn't
healthy yet so many people
The past creates the present.
It is selfish to call
someone selfish because
that means you expect them to think of you
Face the facts. Read
You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range. All you need is to be a fat young man.
Poking fun is the
only thing that makes fun
Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
When you miss someone,
The term "rock & roll" was coined in
the caveman days
when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught
on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part
that cavemen spoke English!
suffer from narcolepsy & amnesia.
Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.
If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.
Keeping in touch with someone usually doesn't involve the sense of
touch but rather that of the sense of hearing.
The best vehicle to get in a wreck with is an ambulance.
are food for thought.
Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.
If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?
When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the door bell next time.
The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car
lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.
your chin up, stop looking at your phone all the time.
Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies shooting you with love arrows of their own.
you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping your
pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in
If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because
they love crap.
Poor attributes need enrichment.
Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires
eat space beef.
of us can shoot spider webs, with our guns.
Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.
If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."
Soldiers fill in the blanks with b_ullets.
Heaven: If you don't know you won't go.
If your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your
doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't
know what page they are on.
parachutes take too many people along.
If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top bunk.
If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons & blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.
Exercising on a stair-stepper is a lot more fun if you imagine that you
are squashing grapes.
People who repeat themselves are always repeating themselves.
it weren't for ghost repairmen there would be a whole lot more resurrections.
The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.
you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing
the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have
this happen again!
Basic Atheist/Christian Debate:
Atheist: "I know more than you."
Christian: "I know someone you don't know."
You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.
You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.
You can't put a price on family unless it is bail.
reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel was a
barrel of monkeys.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.
X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.
If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.
If we used leaves as paper it would be just like recycling except you
wouldn't have to.
Hole punchers are useless.
Only super villains put paper towels in the ocean to suck up all the
water so they can send it to another planet to create life there.
eat a lot of corn if you have cob webs.
Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.
Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in front of reality.
you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The
Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.
Don't wet your whistle because whistles sound better when dry.
With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.
Makeup is beards for ladies.
Be glad buttons aren't mini-zippers instead.
Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.
a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry.
I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!
Less is more.. but not really.
can't make fun of something that is already fun just like you can't
make a pie
that is already made!
People who do security at shoe factories have to pay very close
attention due to all of the sneakers.
mummies & zombies are dead they also have ghosts, yet you never see them
team up with their ghosts.
on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks,
unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming
trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway,
especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.
reasons you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some
people love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an
When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.
Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger
& I'm going to kill you!"
looks like you tried to say Limbo but you were limboing while writing
it so you
missed the i.
is how a robot types goodnight.
If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!
If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're going to eat you.