You cannot sell a home. Homes are attachments defined by emotions & experiences.
The reason we have index fingers is to help us remember to file our
Hollywood's young starlets often suffer from StaRvation.
Ironically real rat races only occur at the most leisurely of
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Life is like a potato. It doesn't start out very clean.
To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.
say chupacabra is antelope. But I say no, chupacabra is proelope. That
is why we cannot find it. Chupacabra ran off to marry someone its
parents didn't approve of.
The hardest thing about being young is getting old.
Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry
if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper.
I’d rather be friends with an odd number than an even number because
even numbers always have to get revenge.
When you are eating deer for dinner passing the buck is a good thing.
Life is like the game of Life except there aren't a lot of topless
remember your passwords? Pay someone to remember them for you. Make
sure to give them the password to your bank account too so they can pay
themselves to spare you the hassle.
Doughnuts are actually fruits, the reason they have holes in them is because the cores have been taken out.
If you try to change a bird you will find that birds don't wear clothes.
Boost your confidence by asking someone to guess "What?" You're guaranteed to know the answer!
Posters are most often under a tack.
Life is like a bottle of ketchup. The red on the inside is very
Dress up as a valet to get free cars.
Forget everything you know about studying then go study what studying really is.
The smartest thing on earth is the temperature in summer. It has like
over a 100 degrees.
Outer space is no reason for haste.
If you fail to see the big picture your license may be revoked.
Life is like a fire. It produces light & warmth.
A leopard can't change it spots but you can change a leopard spots into Wi-Fi hotspots.
Free samples were invented to help the BIG GOV gather intel on litter bugs.
The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.
Don't dwell just deal.
A vehicle without a garage is homeless.
If you drink the wrong thing down you could be put in the ground.
the invention of basketball, over time, a white man gave back to black
men billions of dollars and countless of hours of fun.
Groceries make you grow.
If it walks like a fish & talks like a fish it doesn't exist.
Life used to be like the open sea. The people who said "Yo Ho" were
Abandon your car in a no parking zone to have it towed away for free.
The future starts just after now.
The number one excuse to cheat at video games: "I prefer the
experience of the game to the challenge."
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery & the second largest
cause for assault & battery.
Don't try to give heart transplants to aquatic plant life because they
show you no love.
The sad truth is if you wrap your mind around something physically you
won't be able to wrap your mind around it figuratively.
Life is like an onion. Sometimes it makes you cry. Other times it
Leave behind cash at your crime scenes so no one is mad at you for committing crimes.
The printer was invented by a kid that really hated learning cursive in 4th grade.
A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.
The brief case says, "This won't take long."
Going out of the frying pan into the fire is actually better. The
frying pan makes you suffer longer.
Summer isn't a bummer but kids do get dumber.
If the moon really were made of cheese its smell or lack thereof would
certainly sway some people in the evolution vs. creation debate.
If you have to spill the beans please don't cook them first.
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Life is like a cat. You spend a lot of time
sleeping & wanting to
Shut up mouthy sock puppets by putting shoes on their heads.
reason we only find dinosaur bones in the ground is because colossal
aliens would come to earth, debone the dinosaurs & eat the rest.
There is one good kind of heart attack and that is when your heart is
attacked by love.
If you are bad at guessing things & answering
questions draw a face on your fingernail so that way people will be
forced to say you hit the nail on the head even when you are wrong.
The term "politically correct" is an oxymoron. Since when are politics
& politicians correct?
Atari was so successful in the early 80s that they provided all of
their employees with 3 square meals a day.
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Modern life is like a police car. There are a
lot of lights & loud
To control portion size flip your plate over & eat out of the small rim on its underside.
Shoe shine stands were invented by cops to analyze the dirt on people's shoes to see if their shoes were stolen.
In & out that's what it's all about, digestion.
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Life is like a balloon. It can come in animal
If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching
For some getting approved for a credit card is equivalent to being
sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly.
Need to pop a lot of balloons after a party? Use a bed of nails.
Wake up! They call em cell phones because they imprison you man!
Always pre-pair your socks.
Always be pre-paired that way you'll never be lonely.
The best time to set your clock is at 12.
Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.
It is hard to be self motivated but one sure way to get yourself
motivated is to bribe yourself.
Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.
Going to school can make your dreams come true. Particularly the dream
about going to school in your underwear.
Life is like a pie, flaky & sticky but sweet all around.
Collect your dandruff to use as decorative snow during the holidays.
Do unto others as you would have them do to you, in other words.. sponge baths all around!
It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled
with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.
Should times sometimes override good times.
˛⁰06When someone says "Pssst" that means
they've sprung a leak.
The best thing about the word best
is that they couldn't have
picked a better word.
getting sleepy makes you cry then you are sleepy weepy
People who say "Don't get me anything" on gift
usually get something from everyone they told that.
If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about
saying "You should get me something!"
People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.
Life is like a spider web, fragile yet strong & easily blown by the
To eat less spin around in your desk chair 43 times before lunch.
Lightning in a bottle was originally lightning in a sandcastle but it melted the sand into glass.
When you don't have a paper clip just use
clip the paper yourself.
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones which
used to be old people's houses.
A lot of people smoke but people in high-powered positions fire.
Girls are obsessed with looks & guys
If your car doesn't start the reason is because
you pushed the break.
One who is laying and sleeping is lazy or Lay Z.
The easy way to boss things around:
Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones where
the broke owners sleep in the back.
Life is like a greeting card. The givers mean more than the words.
to prop up your cell phone to watch videos? Visit a grave yard &
rob a forearm. Phones fit great between the radius & the ulna.
Chimp pansies were the chimps that survived evolution. Think about it.
The great thing about walking in the rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know.
You know you're in a good relationship when instead
wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.
Blood is a stain caused by pain.
Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad
birthday will you appreciate a happy one.
reason red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you
can become red too.
The reason they call diarrhea "the runs" is because
you have to run to a toilette often.
The word adjective is a noun.
Sometimes it is ok to split someone's wig, such as
their wig's hair with a comb.
If you're afraid of losing your home you really should have bought a
bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.
Yet another bad combination: Quick as a cat yet blind as a bat.
Some holidays are observed on their nearest Monday rather than on their
actual date. The reason why Independence Day, more commonly referred to
as The Fourth of July, is not one of those holidays should be obvious.
Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still
shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.
Life is like that time when you're not dead. Ohh what's it called, you
know what I'm talking about.
Open your microwave after dark to use it as a night light.
The only people that make bones about it are expecting mothers.
The future looks good yet constantly uncertain,
there is a window but it's always blocked by a curtain...
Dollar signs & dollars pretty much look the same from very very far away.
Sleep is the one place everybody goes to.
Doors are a good way to exert dominance because you can
Life can be confusing with all of the choosing that goes on.
The reason the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging
to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are
competitions. This is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother
You can't be alone if you have a loan.
Silence is golden because you can't hear gold.
Yet another bad combination: Rich and famous yet childish and
It is much more difficult to vanish into thin air than into an air of
When asked "What part of no don't you understand?" Your response should
be "What part of homophone don't you understand?"
People that get mad when someone wastes food don't understand the
concept of digestion.
Life is like Life Cereal, we call them both by the same name.
Take pictures with random young black people to impress your friends by claiming you meet a lot of cool underground rappers.
Edward Cocacola invented glass cause before sody boddles you had to drink out of the skulls of your ancestors.
a helicopter you can see the world. From a plane you can see the sky.
From space you can see space. But you can never truly see our eyes.
Being on a fixed income is better than being on a
A dwelling is a place where someone lives. When one dwells on something
they are living on it.
Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness, they can't see anything in it.
When is enough enough? When your definition of
Death is just around the coroner.
Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is
Yet another bad combination: Delicious and gooey but too loud when you chewy.
This lesson just goes to show you that anything can go to show you.
If your boss is always yelling at you suggest an Inter-Office Phone
It's easy to lose sleep because when you're asleep you can't pay very
Life is like a vine. Sometimes it is in full swing, sometimes it is all
like how your legs look? Pour BBQ sauce into your nylons, put them on,
wear them out & people will say you look "Saucy!"
The reason we don't store lightning in banks is because all lightning banks burn down.
People that think hot dogs have disgusting ingredients should consider
that they are called hot dogs so any ingredient they have that isn't
dog is pretty much up from there.
Yet another bad combination: Cute and funny but no money.
If your yard catches fire put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Throw
It is never tomorrow.
Life is like an apple, the sweetness is around the core.
Need to find where your air mattress is leaking? Fill it up with water & use a divining rod to find the leaks.
The reason computer mice are called mice is because of how riddled with germs & bacteria they are.
If you don't like the word bad it's probably because it is no good.
If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and
ask a question.
Yet another bad combination: Loud and proud in a hostile crowd (of a differing opinion).
Take the stairs instead of the elevator so you can say, "I'll see you
Animals that are eaten alive see pearly gates the soonest.
Life is like a little teapot, short & stout.
your glasses? Go to one of those nerd conventions they're always having
& wail on some nerds' until you find the right prescription.
Modern road rage regards sedans & swearing. Ancient road rage regarded sandals & swords.
If someone tells you to "Get Real," and you do so, come back the next week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."
Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know
racism is bad.
legged animals are usually faster than 2 legged people but if you want
to feel the thrill of victory with something that has four legs, race
your table and you will win because it is not an animal.
March is the most fit month.
Yet another bad combination: Big and fat yet sleeping on a thin
If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.
Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but could make you feel dead much longer.
July is the least trusting month.
you're walking down the street and get shot with a harpoon you should
totally tell everyone you know about it because most people on the
street get shot with boring old guns.
In athletics often pros are cons.
Life is like a playground. It is more fun with friends.
Got dirty feet from walking around the house? Tip your cat over & use him as a rug. As a bonus he'll enjoy the belly rub.
Having zero tolerance actually means you're down with binary.
When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway
Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.
After the magician was injured during one of his tricks he now truly
has nothing up his sleeve.
Old is sometimes the equivalent to cheap.
Innovation is beyond imagination.
Life is like money. You spend it on what you love or what you owe.
your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the
monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.
Winning money often starts from scratch.
Chili is one food which contradicts itself because it is hot but it
Mumbo jumbo gumbo is Cajun alphabet soup.
Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a mountain
out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill but you
can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.
For unsuspecting adults Legos are often stumbling blocks.
Life is like a calzone, warm & gooey on the inside.
Use a t-shirt canon at the laundromat to get your shirts into loads for free.
Before the world wide web the only time someone surfed the net was while trying to escape villainous fishermen.
Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over &
The reason people are buried six feet under is so that no one can hold
a candle to them.
Life is like a straw. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it blows. Sometimes
you can just drink it all in.
A toaster can be used as an alarm clock with a very short snooze.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you're eating wild berries, those are definitely free.
The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!
Puppets always speak off the cuff.
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Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot
of green & you'll see a
lot of teeth.
At your next fiesta fill piņatas with taco ingredients & give out taco salad bowls to catch them.
There's a sucker born every minute so vegans should feel really bad for eating all those suckers when they were kids.
Sure being on cloud nine sounds great but from all the talk of it the
cloud is probably so crowded no one there is actually happy.
Everyone starts out small.
"I'm sorry Minnie but the yacht won't be out of the shop until next
Tuesday" is an example of a white lie.
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Life is like a jet plane, few are trained to
operate it properly.
Bowling balls can be used as wrecking balls for dog houses.
Two heads are better than one unless they're on the same body. #ProtoMutantDescrimination
Chefs who are in a rush to have things minced don't mince words.
It isn't always easy to ease drop.
It is better to call fall autumn so it won't hurt as much.
Both Smart Alec & Stupid Alec were smart alecs.
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Life is like a car. With more money you get a
Find someone who has the same name as you & copy their
signature. Because you’ll be forging & not forging at the same time
you’ll have that sweet sweet legal ambiguity!
A wolf in sheep's clothing is naked. Sheeps dont where clovthes, stewpid;
Question questions & you'll always have something to do.
Mothers should be the ones who get presents on their children's
say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend. But those
people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a toddler & I
don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine came over &
started throwing food on the floor, playing with my wires, &
digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
Life is like a beach. Sure you leave footprints everywhere you go but
the butt prints leave the greatest impression.
All soda is club soda if you hit people with the bottle.
Love is blind, hate is deaf, indifference doesn't feel, you can't smell trust, & like may have no taste.
When sneezing people often say "achoo" but what people really mean to
say is something else entirely. When you're about to sneeze you gasp
and you can't make the sound of a T when you gasp. So you say "aah" and
you end up saying "achoo" but what you really mean to say is "tissue"
because that's what you need when you sneeze.
Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which
means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.
Life is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it makes you scream with joy.
Other times it makes you want to puke.
A syrupy bowling lane increases the challenge.
Necessity is the mother of invention & Geppetto types are its third cousins.
When a shoe salesman tells you to "put a sock in it" they aren't
telling you to shut up. So you can put down that gas can & match
If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them
"Lighten up it's the 90s"
People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right
through them instead.
If someone rubs you the wrong way contact your lawyer.
Life is like a movie but much much longer & cheaper.
Burn onion incense so others will mourn with you.
Oak trees believe that Roanoke is where trees get turned into rowboats.
Pollution is good for you. It makes you realize there should be less
When your clock is so slow it doesn't even know how to tell time, it's
time to get a new clock.
One cannot prevent being a slacker because once one stops slacking one
then slacks at slacking itself.
The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.
Life is like a knife. Sometimes it is about cutting, sometimes cutting
up. And like a knife life can spread.
you drop a salad it makes an awesome mountain range for small bugs. If
it has that purpley lettuce thing, it makes it feel like America.
Behind every great gander is a great goose.
Imitation is the highest form of annoyance.
The reason kids eat crayons is because they are led to believe that
colors are food when given popsicles.
Fun loving people get bored very easily.
When you find the onion bulbs at the top of the mountain the koalas
will stop following you through walls of gelatin.
People tell you to pull your own weight because if you push your own
weight you'll always be falling over.
Life is like a calendar. It begins on a certain date & ends on a
Wear mini-wheelbarrows as rings to have seasonings on the go.
If you really love being hip to the new trends after you jump on the bandwagon jump up & down on the bandwagon.
Mexican blood is like hot sauce it turns mosquitoes into fireflies.
Soap-operas aren't clean. However Soap-&-water-operas are.
The foot heals the fastest of all body parts because it has a built-in
If you run out of breath when walking up stairs, the stairs went way
too high into the atmosphere.
Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up,
& sometimes it's over easy.
you bury your beloved dead fish in the desert your heart can pretend it
lived a long life until after all of the oceans dried up. #DeathHack
If you ever find a screwdriver in your car, the car is trying to send you a message.
The great thing about a sewer mane rupturing is that you can fart and
nobody would even know.
Drugs aren't the answer, unless the question is "What is not the
If everyone liked being insulted there would be no more insults.
It's hard work gaining weight, mainly because being out of shape causes you to be out of breath all the time.
A currently unspecified percent of trashcans don't have lids because
I'm too lazy to do the research.
Life is like a taco buffet. There is a whole lot of crap after it ends.
Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!
Set designer who thinks of himself as a casting agent, cast the first stone.