Lessons July


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

July
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

July 1
˛⁰05
You cannot sell a home. Homes are attachments defined by emotions & experiences.

˛⁰13
The reason we have index fingers is to help us remember to file our nails.

Hollywood's young starlets often suffer from StaRvation.

˛⁰14
Ironically real rat races only occur at the most leisurely of occupations.

˛⁰15  [Vine Video]
Life is like a potato. It doesn't start out very clean.

˛⁰16
To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.

˛⁰17
They say chupacabra is antelope. But I say no, chupacabra is proelope. That is why we cannot find it. Chupacabra ran off to marry someone its parents didn't approve of.

July 2
˛⁰05
The hardest thing about being young is getting old.

˛⁰13
Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper.

I’d rather be friends with an odd number than an even number because even numbers always have to get revenge.

˛⁰14
When you are eating deer for dinner passing the buck is a good thing.

˛⁰15
Life is like the game of Life except there aren't a lot of topless family sedans.

˛⁰16
Can't remember your passwords? Pay someone to remember them for you. Make sure to give them the password to your bank account too so they can pay themselves to spare you the hassle.

˛⁰17
Doughnuts are actually fruits, the reason they have holes in them is because the cores have been taken out.

July 3
˛⁰04
If you try to change a bird you will find that birds don't wear clothes.

˛⁰05
Boost your confidence by asking someone to guess "What?" You're guaranteed to know the answer!

˛⁰13
Posters are most often under a tack.

˛⁰15
Life is like a bottle of ketchup. The red on the inside is very important.

˛⁰16
Dress up as a valet to get free cars.

˛⁰17
Forget everything you know about studying then go study what studying really is.

July 4
˛⁰13
The smartest thing on earth is the temperature in summer. It has like over a 100 degrees.
˛⁰05
Outer space is no reason for haste.

˛⁰14
If you fail to see the big picture your license may be revoked.

˛⁰15
Life is like a fire. It produces light & warmth.

˛⁰16
A leopard can't change it spots but you can change a leopard spots into Wi-Fi hotspots.

˛⁰17
Free samples were invented to help the BIG GOV gather intel on litter bugs.

July 5
˛⁰05
The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.
˛⁰07
Don't dwell just deal.

˛⁰07
A vehicle without a garage is homeless.

If you drink the wrong thing down you could be put in the ground.

With the invention of basketball, over time, a white man gave back to black men billions of dollars and countless of hours of fun.

Groceries make you grow.

˛⁰13
If it walks like a fish & talks like a fish it doesn't exist.

˛⁰15
Life used to be like the open sea. The people who said "Yo Ho" were considered outcasts.

˛⁰16
Abandon your car in a no parking zone to have it towed away for free.

˛⁰17
The future starts just after now.

July 6
˛⁰05
The number one excuse to cheat at video games:  "I prefer the experience of the game to the challenge."

˛⁰13
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery & the second largest cause for assault & battery.

Don't try to give heart transplants to aquatic plant life because they show you no love.

˛⁰14
The sad truth is if you wrap your mind around something physically you won't be able to wrap your mind around it figuratively.

˛⁰15
Life is like an onion. Sometimes it makes you cry. Other times it tastes great.

˛⁰16
Leave behind cash at your crime scenes so no one is mad at you for committing crimes.

˛⁰17
The printer was invented by a kid that really hated learning cursive in 4th grade.

July 7
˛⁰05
A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.

˛⁰13
The brief case says, "This won't take long."

Going out of the frying pan into the fire is actually better. The frying pan makes you suffer longer.

Summer isn't a bummer but kids do get dumber.

If the moon really were made of cheese its smell or lack thereof would certainly sway some people in the evolution vs. creation debate.

˛⁰14
If you have to spill the beans please don't cook them first.

˛⁰15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a cat. You spend a lot of time sleeping & wanting to be petted.

˛⁰16
Shut up mouthy sock puppets by putting shoes on their heads.

˛⁰17
The reason we only find dinosaur bones in the ground is because colossal aliens would come to earth, debone the dinosaurs & eat the rest.

July 8
˛⁰05
There is one good kind of heart attack and that is when your heart is attacked by love.

˛⁰13
If you are bad at guessing things & answering questions draw a face on your fingernail so that way people will be forced to say you hit the nail on the head even when you are wrong.

The term "politically correct" is an oxymoron. Since when are politics & politicians correct?

˛⁰14
Atari was so successful in the early 80s that they provided all of their employees with 3 square meals a day.

˛⁰15 [Vine Video]
Modern life is like a police car. There are a lot of lights & loud noises.

˛⁰16
To control portion size flip your plate over & eat out of the small rim on its underside.

˛⁰17
Shoe shine stands were invented by cops to analyze the dirt on people's shoes to see if their shoes were stolen.

July 9
˛⁰13
In & out that's what it's all about, digestion.

˛⁰15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a balloon. It can come in animal shapes.
˛⁰05
If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

˛⁰13
For some getting approved for a credit card is equivalent to being sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly.

˛⁰16
Need to pop a lot of balloons after a party? Use a bed of nails.

˛⁰17
Wake up! They call em cell phones because they imprison you man!

July 10
˛⁰05
Always pre-pair your socks.

Always be pre-paired that way you'll never be lonely.

˛⁰06
The best time to set your clock is at 12.

Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.

It is hard to be self motivated but one sure way to get yourself motivated is to bribe yourself.

Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.

˛⁰13
Going to school can make your dreams come true. Particularly the dream about going to school in your underwear.

˛⁰15
Life is like a pie, flaky & sticky but sweet all around.

˛⁰16
Collect your dandruff to use as decorative snow during the holidays.

˛⁰17
Do unto others as you would have them do to you, in other words.. sponge baths all around!

July 11
˛⁰05
It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.
˛⁰06
Should times sometimes override good times.

˛⁰06
When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.

The best thing about the word best is that they couldn't have picked a better word.

If getting sleepy makes you cry then you are sleepy weepy

People who say "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.
If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"
People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.

˛⁰15
Life is like a spider web, fragile yet strong & easily blown by the wind.

˛⁰16
To eat less spin around in your desk chair 43 times before lunch.

˛⁰17
Lightning in a bottle was originally lightning in a sandcastle but it melted the sand into glass.

July 12
˛⁰06
When you don't have a paper clip just use scissors & clip the paper yourself.
˛⁰05
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones which used to be old people's houses.

A lot of people smoke but people in high-powered positions fire.

Girls are obsessed with looks & guys are obsessed with looking.

If your car doesn't start the reason is because you pushed the break.

One who is laying and sleeping is lazy or Lay Z.

The easy way to boss things around:
Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"

˛⁰13
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones where the broke owners sleep in the back.

˛⁰
15
Life is like a greeting card. The givers mean more than the words.

˛⁰16
Need to prop up your cell phone to watch videos? Visit a grave yard & rob a forearm. Phones fit great between the radius & the ulna.

˛⁰17
Chimp pansies were the chimps that survived evolution. Think about it.

July 13
˛⁰05
The great thing about walking in the rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know.

˛⁰06
You know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.
˛⁰06
Blood is a stain caused by pain.

˛⁰09
Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you appreciate a happy one.

The reason red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you can become red too.

The reason they call diarrhea "the runs" is because you have to run to a toilette often.

The word adjective is a noun.

Sometimes it is ok to split someone's wig, such as parting their wig's hair with a comb.

If you're afraid of losing your home you really should have bought a bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.

Yet another bad combination:  Quick as a cat yet blind as a bat.

Some holidays are observed on their nearest Monday rather than on their actual date. The reason why Independence Day, more commonly referred to as The Fourth of July, is not one of those holidays should be obvious.

Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.

˛⁰15
Life is like that time when you're not dead. Ohh what's it called, you know what I'm talking about.

˛⁰16
Open your microwave after dark to use it as a night light.

˛⁰17
The only people that make bones about it are expecting mothers.

July 14
˛⁰04
The future looks good yet constantly uncertain,
there is a window but it's always blocked by a curtain...

˛⁰05
Dollar signs & dollars pretty much look the same from very very far away.

˛⁰06
Sleep is the one place everybody goes to.

Doors are a good way to exert dominance because you can push them.

Life can be confusing with all of the choosing that goes on.

The reason the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are competitions. This is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother down.

You can't be alone if you have a loan.

˛⁰09
Silence is golden because you can't hear gold.

Yet another bad combination:  Rich and famous yet childish and aimless.

It is much more difficult to vanish into thin air than into an air of average thickness.

When asked "What part of no don't you understand?" Your response should be "What part of homophone don't you understand?"

People that get mad when someone wastes food don't understand the concept of digestion.

˛⁰15
Life is like Life Cereal, we call them both by the same name.

˛⁰16
Take pictures with random young black people to impress your friends by claiming you meet a lot of cool underground rappers.

˛⁰17
Edward Cocacola invented glass cause before sody boddles you had to drink out of the skulls of your ancestors.

July 15
˛⁰05
From a helicopter you can see the world. From a plane you can see the sky. From space you can see space. But you can never truly see our eyes.

˛⁰06
Being on a fixed income is better than being on a broke income.

A dwelling is a place where someone lives. When one dwells on something they are living on it.

Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness, they can't see anything in it.

When is enough enough? When your definition of enough is too much.

Death is just around the coroner.

˛⁰09
Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is bending.

Yet another bad combination:  Delicious and gooey but too loud when you chewy.

This lesson just goes to show you that anything can go to show you.

If your boss is always yelling at you suggest an Inter-Office Phone System.

It's easy to lose sleep because when you're asleep you can't pay very good attention.

˛⁰15
Life is like a vine. Sometimes it is in full swing, sometimes it is all tangled up.

˛⁰16
Don't like how your legs look? Pour BBQ sauce into your nylons, put them on, wear them out & people will say you look "Saucy!"

˛⁰17
The reason we don't store lightning in banks is because all lightning banks burn down.

July 16
˛⁰09
People that think hot dogs have disgusting ingredients should consider that they are called hot dogs so any ingredient they have that isn't dog is pretty much up from there.

Yet another bad combination:  Cute and funny but no money.

If your yard catches fire put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Throw Fire"

It is never tomorrow.

˛⁰15
Life is like an apple, the sweetness is around the core.

˛⁰16
Need to find where your air mattress is leaking? Fill it up with water & use a divining rod to find the leaks.

˛⁰17
The reason computer mice are called mice is because of how riddled with germs & bacteria they are.

July 17
˛⁰09
If you don't like the word bad it's probably because it is no good.
˛⁰09
If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and ask a question.

Yet another bad combination:  Loud and proud in a hostile crowd (of a differing opinion).

Take the stairs instead of the elevator so you can say, "I'll see you even later."

˛⁰13
Animals that are eaten alive see pearly gates the soonest.

˛⁰15
Life is like a little teapot, short & stout.

˛⁰16
Lost your glasses? Go to one of those nerd conventions they're always having & wail on some nerds' until you find the right prescription.

˛⁰17
Modern road rage regards sedans & swearing. Ancient road rage regarded sandals & swords.

July 18
˛⁰09
If someone tells you to "Get Real," and you do so, come back the next week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."
˛⁰09
Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know racism is bad.

Four legged animals are usually faster than 2 legged people but if you want to feel the thrill of victory with something that has four legs, race your table and you will win because it is not an animal.

March is the most fit month.

Yet another bad combination:  Big and fat yet sleeping on a thin mat.

If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.

Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but could make you feel dead much longer.

July is the least trusting month.

If you're walking down the street and get shot with a harpoon you should totally tell everyone you know about it because most people on the street get shot with boring old guns.

In athletics often pros are cons.

˛⁰15
Life is like a playground. It is more fun with friends.

˛⁰16
Got dirty feet from walking around the house? Tip your cat over & use him as a rug. As a bonus he'll enjoy the belly rub.

˛⁰17
Having zero tolerance actually means you're down with binary.

July 19
˛⁰13
When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.

˛⁰14
After the magician was injured during one of his tricks he now truly has nothing up his sleeve.
˛⁰07
Old is sometimes the equivalent to cheap.

Innovation is beyond imagination.

˛⁰15
Life is like money. You spend it on what you love or what you owe.

˛⁰16
Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.

˛⁰17
Winning money often starts from scratch.

July 20
˛⁰05
Chili is one food which contradicts itself because it is hot but it sounds cold.

˛⁰13
Mumbo jumbo gumbo is Cajun alphabet soup.

Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.

˛⁰14
For unsuspecting adults Legos are often stumbling blocks.

˛⁰15
Life is like a calzone, warm & gooey on the inside.

˛⁰16
Use a t-shirt canon at the laundromat to get your shirts into loads for free.

˛⁰17
Before the world wide web the only time someone surfed the net was while trying to escape villainous fishermen.

July 21
˛⁰05
Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.

˛⁰13
The reason people are buried six feet under is so that no one can hold a candle to them.

˛⁰15
Life is like a straw. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it blows. Sometimes you can just drink it all in.

˛⁰16
A toaster can be used as an alarm clock with a very short snooze.

˛⁰17
There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you're eating wild berries, those are definitely free.

July 22
˛⁰05
The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!

˛⁰13
Puppets always speak off the cuff.

˛⁰15 [Vine Video]
Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot of green & you'll see a lot of teeth.

˛⁰16
At your next fiesta fill piņatas with taco ingredients & give out taco salad bowls to catch them.

˛⁰17
There's a sucker born every minute so vegans should feel really bad for eating all those suckers when they were kids.

July 23
˛⁰13
Sure being on cloud nine sounds great but from all the talk of it the cloud is probably so crowded no one there is actually happy.
˛⁰05
Everyone starts out small.

˛⁰14
"I'm sorry Minnie but the yacht won't be out of the shop until next Tuesday" is an example of a white lie.

˛⁰15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a jet plane, few are trained to operate it properly.

˛⁰16
Bowling balls can be used as wrecking balls for dog houses.

˛⁰17
Two heads are better than one unless they're on the same body. #ProtoMutantDescrimination

July 24
˛⁰13
Chefs who are in a rush to have things minced don't mince words.
˛⁰05
It isn't always easy to ease drop.

It is better to call fall autumn so it won't hurt as much.

˛⁰14
Both Smart Alec & Stupid Alec were smart alecs.

˛⁰15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a car. With more money you get a smoother ride.

˛⁰16
Find someone who has the same name as you & copy their signature. Because you’ll be forging & not forging at the same time you’ll have that sweet sweet legal ambiguity!

˛⁰17
A wolf in sheep's clothing is naked. Sheeps dont where clovthes, stewpid;

July 25
˛⁰05
Question questions & you'll always have something to do.

˛⁰13
Mothers should be the ones who get presents on their children's birthdays.

˛⁰14
Some say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend. But those people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a toddler & I don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine came over & started throwing food on the floor, playing with my wires, & digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.

˛⁰15
Life is like a beach. Sure you leave footprints everywhere you go but the butt prints leave the greatest impression.

˛⁰16
All soda is club soda if you hit people with the bottle.

˛⁰17
Love is blind, hate is deaf, indifference doesn't feel, you can't smell trust, & like may have no taste.

July 26
˛⁰09
When sneezing people often say "achoo" but what people really mean to say is something else entirely. When you're about to sneeze you gasp and you can't make the sound of a T when you gasp. So you say "aah" and you end up saying "achoo" but what you really mean to say is "tissue" because that's what you need when you sneeze.

˛⁰13
Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.

˛⁰15
Life is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it makes you scream with joy. Other times it makes you want to puke.

˛⁰16
A syrupy bowling lane increases the challenge.

˛⁰17
Necessity is the mother of invention & Geppetto types are its third cousins.

July 27
˛⁰13
When a shoe salesman tells you to "put a sock in it" they aren't telling you to shut up. So you can put down that gas can & match now.
˛⁰03
If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them
"Lighten up it's the 90s"
People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right through them instead.

˛⁰14
If someone rubs you the wrong way contact your lawyer.

˛⁰15
Life is like a movie but much much longer & cheaper.

˛⁰16
Burn onion incense so others will mourn with you.

˛⁰17
Oak trees believe that Roanoke is where trees get turned into rowboats.

July 28
˛⁰08
Pollution is good for you. It makes you realize there should be less pollution.

When your clock is so slow it doesn't even know how to tell time, it's time to get a new clock.

One cannot prevent being a slacker because once one stops slacking one then slacks at slacking itself.

The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.

˛⁰15
Life is like a knife. Sometimes it is about cutting, sometimes cutting up. And like a knife life can spread.

˛⁰16
When you drop a salad it makes an awesome mountain range for small bugs. If it has that purpley lettuce thing, it makes it feel like America.

˛⁰17
Behind every great gander is a great goose.

July 29
˛⁰08
Imitation is the highest form of annoyance.

The reason kids eat crayons is because they are led to believe that colors are food when given popsicles.

Fun loving people get bored very easily.

When you find the onion bulbs at the top of the mountain the koalas will stop following you through walls of gelatin.

˛⁰13
People tell you to pull your own weight because if you push your own weight you'll always be falling over.

˛⁰15
Life is like a calendar. It begins on a certain date & ends on a certain date.

˛⁰16
Wear mini-wheelbarrows as rings to have seasonings on the go.

˛⁰17
If you really love being hip to the new trends after you jump on the bandwagon jump up & down on the bandwagon.

July 30
˛⁰08
Mexican blood is like hot sauce it turns mosquitoes into fireflies.
˛⁰08
Soap-operas aren't clean. However Soap-&-water-operas are.

The foot heals the fastest of all body parts because it has a built-in heel.

If you run out of breath when walking up stairs, the stairs went way too high into the atmosphere.

˛⁰15
Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up, & sometimes it's over easy.

˛⁰16
If you bury your beloved dead fish in the desert your heart can pretend it lived a long life until after all of the oceans dried up. #DeathHack

˛⁰17
If you ever find a screwdriver in your car, the car is trying to send you a message.

July 31
˛⁰08
The great thing about a sewer mane rupturing is that you can fart and nobody would even know.

Drugs aren't the answer, unless the question is "What is not the answer?"

If everyone liked being insulted there would be no more insults.

It's hard work gaining weight, mainly because being out of shape causes you to be out of breath all the time.

˛⁰13
A currently unspecified percent of trashcans don't have lids because I'm too lazy to do the research.

˛⁰15
Life is like a taco buffet. There is a whole lot of crap after it ends.

˛⁰16
Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!

˛⁰17
Set designer who thinks of himself as a casting agent, cast the first stone.

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

House


































July Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
Outer space is no reason for haste.

Don't dwell just deal.

If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.

For some getting approved for a credit card is equivalent to being sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly.

Should times sometimes override good times.

The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones which used to be old people's houses.

Blood is a stain caused by pain.

Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you appreciate a happy one.

If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and ask a question.

Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know racism is bad.

Old is sometimes the equivalent to cheap.

Innovation is beyond imagination.

Everyone starts out small.

It isn't always easy to ease drop.

If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them
"Lighten up it's the 90s"

Soap-operas aren't clean. However Soap-&-water-operas are.

Original Versions of Changed Lessons:
7/1
You cannot sell a home. Homes are emotional attachments defined by emotions & experiences.

7/3
The idea of asking someone to guess "What?" is because "What?" is a question & them saying that gets you the ability to ask them what they want.

7/13
The great thing about walking in the rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.

7/14
Dollar signs & dollars pretty much look the same except for scale.

7/15
Yet another bad combination:  Delicious and gooey but too loud when you're chew'n.

Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness they can't see anything in it.

7/17
Yet another bad combination:  Loud and proud in a hostile crowd of a differing opinion.

7/18
Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but will make you feel dead much longer.

If someone tells you to "Get Real" and you do so. Come back the next week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."

7/27
People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right through them instead.

7/31
It's hard work gaining weight mainly because being out of shape causes you to be out of breath all the time.