The best time to say goodbye is when you first meet someone.
midgets who grew up living in circus tents find it difficult to
transition into living in houses with walls because they feel confined
in the space despite their small stature.
Investing is easy, just get in a vest.
someone tells you "It's not the end of the world" to do something and
by some coincidence the world does end when you do it, that person is
going to feel pretty bad.
can be used to simulate bookshelf collapses.
Which came first the chicken or the egg? They both came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.
It's easier to march in March than it is to august in August.
It's important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.
Census workers are out for the count & so are Dracula's minions. Let's hope they aren't one & the same.
hollowed out CRT tv can be used as a giant pasta strainer or a very
pointless foot bath.
Survival tip: Any animal who runs from you as you hold up BBQ sauce is edible.
Googly eyes are the hardest eyes to cry from but the easiest to cry out.
The best part of waking up is getting to go back to sleep.
The only way you can find nothing is if you are looking for
If you replace your desk chair with a pilates ball your boss will be
forced to compliment you by saying that you are always on the ball.
Your number's up when the number held up by your judges goes down.
mail & phone books make great temporary toys for toddlers.
Whale owners would have the best pools if they’d get those dumb whales out of there so we’d have room for a swim.
your best foot forward is always easier because your worst foot may not
move so well or you have it in a cooler or freezer or something.
How many sneezes must a man sneeze before you call him sick? The answer
my friend is blowing in the wind because germs travel by air.
If life is a game we're
all on the same side & our opponents are dead people which means
we're all winners because they're easy to beat.
Some people are faster than others. For example, someone read this lesson faster than you.
Every story is a true story, an authentic story.
can use brownies as delicious elbow or kneepads.
Lemmings would seem less dumb if they wore falcon hoods.
It's easier to be quiet than it is to quiet a bee.
Landmarks & landmines aren't the same YOU SHOULD visit landmines.
If you're depressed get a shovel go into your backyard & start
digging. I guarantee you'll never feel like dirt again.
Nothing is fool-proof. That is how foolish a fool is.
When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
People who take pictures are strange thieves & are probably stalkers.
your favorite thing is leaving places half of your life sucks because
there is no way around having to go to places in order to leave them.
If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.
can use a cheese grater to test any nerve on the surface of your body.
Clams are a terrible pillow stuffing.
Mind over matter is easier than mind over matters.
If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false
My dad's name is Art but other people have names too.
Masking a mask is also called stacking.
Gov aimed for one day where people wouldn't say "one day" but the only
name for the holiday they could come up with was "One Day" so the idea
Only something that lacks the palpability of the 5 senses could LITERALLY make NO sense to us.
When someone exaggerates saying something like, "It was literally 200 degrees out there." Say, "Oh I bet.. against it."
lit kettle steam can make a convincing whistling ghost to young
people who know not what a kettle is.
Crabs shrunken by wizards don’t use pasta as shells because no one wants to live inside a wet noodle.
It's easier to give sage advice than it is to give sage advice, if you're good at cooking.
Never climb an incredibly small latter upside down.
Frankenstein wasn't confused he was a fused con.
Women who want to keep their own last name when getting married never
stop to think that their last name came from their father rather than their
If someone is copying your style don't worry, even if
they use a color copier their paper clothes will look stupid. Of course
this still wouldn't stop them from becoming the hit of the high fashion
People are too scared to walk on the hot sun. I don't blame them, I blame the sun.
If you're stupid forget about success & just get something shiny.
Even the worst jokes are funny if someone laughs at how much of a loser you are for making bad jokes. Trust me :'(
There are a lot of things that suck but nothing sucks more than Vacubat the Cyborg Vampire.
Everyone who has seen a cow has seen a cow with 3 legs.
you eat all but one kernel from a corn cob that's a unicorn.
It is difficult to think on the fly without squishing the fly but it is still safer than thinking on the bee with no shoes.
It's easier to sit on your tip toes than to stand on your tip toes.
Never staple limes in your cover chair.
Become an ugly moron because opposites attract.
Cup pies would be good but they would also be too small!
The technical term for food is unnessecarous technicalnamous.
are nerdy things for jocks. Knowing sports stats is like knowing wizard
& orb names from some nerd book. Jocks are the ultimate nerds. At
least the real nerds aren't memorizing annual numbers.
Some people's eyes bug out when they see bugs.
Willy ultimately drowned because he was SO free he decided to breathe
air while still living underwater. This is why they are called killer
whales. If you gave them magical freedom (or tons of cash like Willy)
they'd be so stupid they'd kill themselves.
your bindle with a briefcase & you'll look like the richest hobo in
Feather dusters are actually only meant to be used on knick knack birds.
The camera cannot lie but the camera phone sure can.
Always be careful when shooting spitwads at a lion, you don't want it
to be not angry.
When told to "take a seat" don't.
Pick up lines are the opposites of put downs.
The golden pirate has a treasure chest.
The reason high schools lack car racing classes is because doing laps couldn't be considered punishment.
Things that make you blue are often out of the blue.
can't start a camp fire by rubbing two marshmallows together but if you
can figure out how to rub them apart on each other the sun will
unexplode & turn into Italian Ice.
Hard to find cuisine: A vampire cooked super rare.
of the best thing about elevators is that if you let people off in
front of you they will say "Thank you." This is great because people
thank you for standing still.
When someone tells you to "get
outta town" tell them, "I'm tired of wandering this harsh &
foreboding earth. I try to be a nice guy & do what my friends say
but all of my so called friends always end up telling me to get out of
town. Well I'm finished listening to you people! YOU get out of town!
YOU GET out of MY town!" then weep openly.
hypnotize birds you can attach a flexible roll-up piano to a zebra on a
If you teach a man to fish make sure he doesn't live in the desert.
It's easier to spend quality time than it is to save quality time.
When buying an envelope use money a.k.a. $.
Dinnertime is never getting thinner time.
A paranormal investigator is a normal investigator with a parachute.
wooden stakes around the perimeter of your domicile to act as a
The best place to abandon your pets is a petting zoo.
It's easier to fool someone with smokes & beers than smoke & mirrors.
We have been going to flat screens with no tubes but YouTube has kept
the tube alive.
Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears that
will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question down
& if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing things.
When reading a lesson you should learn.
You can't tell unless you hear first.
Loki is always stealing Thor's thunder.
Some bugs can save you from downing if you put them in your nose.
A live hornet burrito may not be the spiciest food but eating it makes your mouth hurt more than the hottest of pepperdas.
It's easier to find a needle in a hay stack than a hay in a sewing needle stack.
If a woman ever calls you a pig just say, "Would you like a side of bacon or some sausage?" in order to justify what she said.
Bluegrass tastes better than rock and rap. Unless the rap you are
talking about is the tortilla with food in it.
People who write their fours rounded make a b line four.
The only change you have to make to change is to want to change.
A dingo is just a backwards bingo and a bingo is a forwards dingo. So
this must mean that dingos spin around a lot.
Most people don't sit in the streets so it is quite easy to be an
There is a point in every person's life that gives them directions.
Alex had a pen & so did Al's ex because they had two pens &
split them equally in the divorce.
people think we are supposed to bring heaven to earth, but it just
doesn't work. The best we can do is to get the lion & the lamb to
sleep in a bunk bed.
& strings can help you style your tan.
Earthworms are actually the only native Martians.
easy to get away with eating pudding all the time. Become a detective
& every time someone calls you out for eating a pudding cup say,
"the proof is in the pudding."
If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.
Eating human brains is a delicious treat.. I mean cactuses are spikey.
How to spell Piano: P and O
It's more fun to write when one is sad because when one is happy fun isn't as fun.
enough black cats through mirrors can send you around the orbit of bad
into stupendous luck.
Dried snails taste great with snail sauce, improves the texture too.
A bad storm rains cats & dogs but a legendary storm rains dodos & dinosaurs & golden piglets.
You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it
So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.
It's hard to make friends with ice because it's so cold.
Tire irons do not promote tire traction.
fishing pole can be used as a grappling hook to climb a building, if
you have a
highly trained fish or the building is under water.
may differ regarding their opinion of scapegoats but everyone agrees
that fire escape goats just get in the way & needlessly cost
humanity millions of lives each night.
Pushing the envelope is terrible.. for getting mail out of your mailbox.
a small hole & filling it with water is a waste of time if you're
trying to get it put on a map, unless you're drawing the map.
Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.²⁰07
The word nothing always refers to something.
Faces aren't invisible at night it's just dark
Reality is repetitive. And since we only said that once that means
this lesson is fake but if it's fake that means reality is not
repetitive & thus us not repeating holds no meaning at all.
People watching from the second floor are called ceiling fans.
The reason cheap shoes are called 'buddies' is because all of your
so called buddies make fun of you for wearing them making the buddy
shoes your only true friends.
Flashback Edition (1641):
Don't fall, take a trip, it's better.
more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for example.
The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.
easier to teach an old dog new tricks than it is to teach new Trix an
old dog because Trix don't have brains, they're a cereal.
you can't tell the difference between the a bird, a plane, & a
flying man get your eyes checked because they are of poor quality.
Kids who spend a lot of time in a tree house are in the arms of that tree more than they are in the arms of their parents.
monsters can use baseball stadiums as engagement rings. Since all
diamonds are the same size, there is no jealously in the monster world.
Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as
if you will live a million years more.
Dreams come true until you fall asleep & dream anew.
Deaf people can hear at least one thing, silence.
Ants are army, farmy, & red alarmy.
In most cases it's easier to fall out than it is to fall in.
Having ideas is a good idea.
Bad builders use briquettes instead of bricks.
If balloons caused salad bars to serve meat, I'd be like "stop calling
it a salad bar."
You booze you lose.
make excellent rain bonnets.
Dogs are man's best friend because dogs can't talk.
Romeing the streets isn't as easy as Venicing the streets. #Floodist
If my bottle cap wore a snow shoe it'd be put on tv. If I wore a second
one I'd be jumped by a flea.
Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.
Saying goodnight is like saying goodbye. Yet saying Good day or good evening is like saying hello.
There are plenty of conflicting situations & decisions which come
about in life. Such as which stove to buy or how many times to peel the
ash on your feet to pretend like you've walked a long way without shoes.
Save money on dog food by having a drone walk your dog to eat out of other dog’s bowls.
It's easier to keep the ball rolling when everything is downhill.
If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country..
whoops! too late for this lesson!
If today is a good day, today will always be a good day because today
only happens once.
Even evening is uneven depending upon your horizon.
Blind & deaf cooks have the best taste.
buses stood on end make great ladders.
If you’re throwing a birthday party for a shark, throw it into the sea.
It is easier to be as busy as a bee than it is to be as busy as a b. There were 5 more b's in the last sentence than bees.
If you say something is still cool it could mean it's frozen.
If you get too tired you will get fired.
Diagonal across the street walkers are the ones who become outline
chalkers. The ones that walk and turn right-angle straight are the ones
Cannibals enjoy foods such as ear rings, eye balls, finger food, ham
hock burgers, buns, ribs, chopped liver, hand shakes, & thumb tacs
for freshening breath.
The less you do the more you get done, (because you're either starting
If you have to wait a long time, be late.
Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death.
Thieves prey on the unsuspecting which is why thieves themselves never get robbed.
Airplanes are like people because they enjoy taking off then landing.
can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard
building memorial tombstones for roadkill with fake human names &
putting them into graveyards. I wreck into several dozen oversized ones
Blurred lines are still very easy to make out as lines.
do people complain when something is on their head? If someone drops a
hat from a 5 story building onto your head, you would just be like "hey
a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on
your head, you would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain."
The summer is the best time to have hot fun.
Start the week off on the right foot.
Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have
Like to cut loose at social events?
Be sure you don't cut loose your spinal cord.
Practical jokes are a practical way of helping others train for
At the end of the day sleep good, it's for your own well.
Imports are more important than deports.
can use bibles in place of kevlar to make a superior bullet proof vest.
Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.
easier to wear a bowler hat than it is to wear a bowler as a hat. But
if the bowler you wear wears a bowler hat, it doesn't make much
Over confidence can be bad, such as,
"I can walk off a cliff without falling."
One cannot catch a breeze.
Boiling soup too long can cause it to evaporate.
To save those delicious liquid morsels put a pot on the ceiling above also.
A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The
animal rights activist will never leave you alone.
It is important to practice redundancy.
It is important to practice redundancy.
A mall fountain's change can feed a starving child for 2 years.
make great bouncers for private orange parties.
If your fish dies stick a toothpick tree into his belly to create Deadfish Island.
It's easier to milk a cow than it is to cow a milk. #CloningACowFromItsMilk
If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.
When starting the engine of your car always be aware that someone may
a tree in your drive way.
Following a question respond, "Don't ask, because you already did."
People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.
Attempting to punch out a walrus is not a good idea.
Scarecrows are scary because they too, like Zombies, want brains.
common steak knife can be used as a forgiveness tester (requires some
vigorous stabbing). You decide what to stab:
pillows, pets, waterbeds, tires, sandwiches, balloons, trees,
"other," or even knife handles.
During the next Shark Week all board games will allow shark pieces that can eat other players.
Giving someone a few choice words isn't as easy as giving someone a few
forced words. It's easier to choose to force yourself to be pleasant
than it is to tell someone off.
Patience is easily obtained if you are willing to wait for it.
Controlling wall rust can be a difficult task just clean a certain area
& the rust may form around it.
Hermits are great at keeping secrets.
A shadow is like a friend that follows you around & imitates
everything you do.
It is surprising that more people do not dislike their shadow.
Politicians are rarely speechless.
An old wives' tale is gossip that hasn't stopped circulating.
divining rod that has gathered moss will lead you to swamp water.
The reasons humans are the top of the food chain is because we are the only ones who can craft chains or espouse hierarchies.
easier to notice holes in the ground than it is to notice ground in a
hole. But it is easiest to notice ground beef in your mouth hole
because it tastes great or eww this isn't cooked.
Want money? Well don't get a job, just draw money likeness on paper
& rub against real money to get the smell.
This is called the placebo method.
The sounds of nature can be soothing.
They can also make you want to go out shooting.
Waiting until fall to do spring cleaning can really make you realize
why it is primarily done in the spring.
When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to
The bigger they are the softer they fall.
The reason why old tymey kings had multiple wives is because it takes a lot of women to do castle work as opposed to housework.
you can't afford dark chocolate just eat regular chocolate with the
A bear skin ceiling fan catches even more dust.
It's easier to get physical with someone than it is to get metaphysical.
someone tells you not to be afraid of monsters & then a big monster
comes & steps on you because you weren't afraid, if you live, tell
the monster you know someone else that's not afraid of it. Following that give a depictive description of where this person is.
There is no solid evidence that air exists.
Bears don't wear clothes so please don't make a joke about it.
Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.
It is easy to be romantic when you are in love. All you have to do is
tell the truth.
paddle can not only be used as an oar but also as a flotation device
legless dogs who cannot doggie paddle themselves.
Bald eagles aren’t endangered, there are just a lot of them that fool us by wearing awesome toupees.
easier to be caught red handed than it is to be caught red elbowed
because you gotta be stealing somethin' big to get red all the way up
to your elbows. Think these things out, get an accomplice next time.
Never give up your dreams because if you do you'll only have nightmares.
Nothing is ever the same in my wallet there's always change.
Sometimes you think you've outsmarted someone when in actuality you've
just made a fool of yourself.
Someone that is kind. Is a great find.
Some things will never change but you can be sure that one thing will,
People who live near a desert are good at leaving people alone.
The first time someone was called a pig for eating too much was at a BBQ.
I can show you a good time but you wouldn't be in it unless there are mirrors involved.
lol looks like a scared man's bow tie.
your outdoor ceiling fan's blades with swords to chop up unwelcome
& overly curious cats.
Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.
hard to jump the gun & jump the shark at the same time but don't
worry, if you give the shark a gun it won't know how to use it.
Revenge can be sweet if coated in sugar.
Glass. The other red meat.
The two hardest things to do are starting & finishing.
Rocking chairs need not guitars to rock.
Getting even is fun because two is better than one.
You know you have a wait problem when you are impatient.
can be used to visually simulate water if you have a blue marker.
every zoo the animals fight to the death nightly in a tournament until
there is only one left. There are caged animals below the zoo that get
released into the exhibits every morning to replace the old ones.
too hard is racking your brains, which is like BBQing. Doing drugs is
like cooking your brain in a skillet. So don't think too hard man. It's
worse than doing drugs.
Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.
If I had an ice sickle for every time I rowed a lampshade down my
well you know the rest...
In acting mistakes count twice.
A prisoner is an inmate but a jailer is not.
It is not important to practice redundancy.
It is not important to practice redundancy.
Socks & shoes go together like pizza & the blues.
Refrain from asking clothes to do work because they are always worn out.
Winter could have been called fall because of all the slippery ice.
On certain occasions partners in crime have to part ways during a
chase. The slower partner sometimes says, "Make a run for it!" The
faster, often dumber partner, confused runs for it but not knowing what
it is. While traveling down the street in leg foot fashion he passes a
sign then chooses to stop & take it along with him. Returning to
the hidden layer with his partner arriving soon thereafter they begin
to discuss the sign & the potentials it expounds regarding a run
for public office. They decide doing so would be more profitable,
stealing money wise, than robbing banks ever had been and thus another
politician is born.
If your mouth lives a tongue be thankful because there are some who
have no taste.
pile of aluminum cans makes a great affordable security system.
Evening lightning bugs are bugs of no storm.
easier to put the cart before the horse than it is to put the cart
before the puma, if the cart is filled with horse meat. However putting
horse meat in front of the horse could put you in a moral quandary. So
I think you should put on your own experiment for this one. The horse
meat I put in front of my horse was going to be used as butt implants
for it, so it was joyous occasion.
Being polite is like being a pole light, it brightens up the darkness.
Lack of hair leads to despair.
You're never disappointed with parades in ice cream shops or parades by
People that keep quiet need to pass it around a little more.
Growing old is like growing anything else. It takes time.
Money can't buy love unless it is Valentine's Day apparently.
A burning toast can be disappointing especially from your friends.
Anarchy has arrived when stop signs start walking.
a few years of unused Christmas sweaters can create an excellent winter
hammock. Normal hammock's mesh is too wide to sustain warmth but my
sweater hammock is great for sitting next to the outdoor fall fire,
the excessive flammability.
Flamingos always dress as plastic flamingos for Halloween. Or do they?
It's easier to become a surgeon than it is to become a sturgeon. But if you want to become a sturgeon see a surgeon.
Having trouble getting past a moat? Use a boat.
Bartenders should use roller coasters.
Day is a lot like night. They both consist of time.
Sometimes you need to get out.
Paper has many uses. Humans have many excuses.
Obese people can't afford to use cheap seats.
Most of the things you can get for free come with no strings attached, especially free guitars.
Shea butter sounds dumb but Che Guevara butter sounds funny.
the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a
off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.
people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold poor
people there are in Antartica? None! You gotta be rich to go to
Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!
the bare minimum isn't as easy as doing the bear minimum, the minimum
that a bear would do, because a bear wouldn't do much.