At one point doing things the old-fashioned way will seem new again.
When you wish upon a star you're probably wishing you can get off the
star before you burn to death.
The sweet song of bird is often overheard.
The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.
Cheesecake is pie's undercover agent in the evil world of cake.
It's now or never or the future.
The future was now.
Your birthday suit is a space suit made out of space.
When someone is late you lose wait.
Take it from me, Emperor MAR, building an empire is tough. I know this because I still haven't.
Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.
Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do..
How dumb are you people?!
Do you really need this lesson?
There is nothing wrong with being perfect.
Don't be a crook, Drink a book.
are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are no fish in space. If there
were loads of people would go
up there to fish.
time is the best time to have feelings because if you get hotheaded
you'll burn up, if you get cold hearted you'll warm up, if you get
pigheaded they'll cook you on July 4th!
Don’t settle for polyester candy.
Don't wreck your car cause if you do you might end up with one less
Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or
you'll become a marked man.
If you own a store don't just store things there. Let people utilize monetary transactions to obtain what you store.
Toll booths dare say, "it is my way AND the highway."
The word conundrum looks like the sounds a drum makes.
Pollution wishes it could be friends with real clouds.
A tidily wink is when you wink while crying.
Can't find your hat?
Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it's something to
Eyes are more like 6 O's than 2 I's
One man's meat is another man's poison especially after digestion has completed its course.
10 out of 10 recommenders recommend recommending.
You are bossy if you say "Excuse me" instead of "may I be excused."
By & large is easy. By & small is harder.
If you have a mixed bag it probably wasn’t mixed by stirring.
Cellos aren't for camp'n.
Love is like butter. It is better when spread.
Some people have a taste for blood but I say let blood taste its own food!
Some people aren't a barrel of laughs. They are more like a satchel of
Statistics are perhaps the best dehumanizing way to help us learn about humans.
real reason people used to work hard all day was because their
furniture sucked. People haven't become lazier we just got La-Z-Boys so
we can enjoy the greater joy in life.
If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
New beginnings always come from old ends.
Following by this example can annoy it. Be sure to follow at a safe distance behind the example.
None of us are the brightest bulb in the box unless there is a lamp in
the box too.
No roads can talk so when we judge the roads we are on we put gravelly words in their mouth to fill their pot holes.
The left side of your brain wonders if you will ever return to find it in this lost & found.
It's ok to look at the sun at sunrise or sunset, just don't look at it
Putting something down is just like picking something up but in reverse.
You're better off tooting your own horn than someone else's.
Letters are free online. We can use as many ms as we want but I only want to use 1 m. Happy Birthday Melody Joy!
If you have to change a baby carrot's diaper you're shopping at the
wrong Whole Foods.
The only people you have to feel bad about not getting
Christmas presents for are people whose birthdays are Dec. 26-31
because everyone else has already had presents on their birthday
earlier in the year.
I've got a 4 year old that used a 4 finger discount on my heart.
When in an emergency & one says "stay calm"
Then you think "I'm not Calm, I'm (My Name)"
You should panic so you get thrown out.
People are such pessimists. Always looking down as they fall.
The only surefire way to get rid of nightmares is to sleep during the
day. Anyone every heard of a daymare? Sure they have but at least it
won't be dark when you wake up in terror.
is faster to thank someone from the top of your heart than from the
bottom of your heart because those arteries are closer to your mouth.
Smokey the bear is actually pro forest fire that is why he refuses to take responsibility.
If red carpets became famous, it would be cruel of them to walk the red carpet.
If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to
The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.
Everyone has problems & telling people that is patronizing & unhelpful.
Advice is a difficult thing to give especially when you don't know anything.
If the world runs out of fish there are plenty of other fish to fry,
just not literally.
When Thing T. Thing dies & becomes a ghost he won't be
able to find his way around because he has no eyes & will not be
able to touch walls.
Don’t make your islands out of toast, they will get soggy & sink.
There's always room for Jell-O,
this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be
Debt is the one place that most people don't want to go to yet many
take permanent vacations there.
It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more
A four seater made of four cedars would intimidate aliens.
Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple Gauntlets.
How to get money is to win at basket sports.
Everyone has a dark heart because it is inside their chest.
Unlike automatic stuttering, manual stuttering is rude.
Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?
Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"
If your voice sounds like that of an idiot simply talk only to babies
& no one will notice.
If you get the short end of the stick just play a little tug of war to
There is no such thing as a fake color.
The invisible boxes that mimes are easily trapped in will open if the mime speaks.
So many people won the lottery this week that each winner actually got
less money than they paid for the ticket. People who participate in the lottery are used to losing money though.
If you tell a mime to mime its own business it will be a mime miming a
mime. Then you will have a double mime and that's.. annoying.
If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th, you mind as well give up &
jump in the sink.
You don't earn nickels from chopping pennies.
Winners are quitters because they always quit when they are done
If English is your first language then body language is your zeroth
The reason women like to be called baby is because it makes them feel
Since when were bats and robins friends? Since April 1940 I guess.
I have a small apt. It is so small it doesn't even have all the letters.
Don't wait for someone to give you advice just go out there and take it!
You can't hear silence & that is why silence is golden. Silence is
to be seen & not heard.
A search party is very inconsiderate unless it is later followed by a found party.
Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em.
If you do you'll have to count them again.
They say, "When it rains it pours" But really rain is just a bunch of
When they combined bumper pool with bumper cars bumper boats were
Sometimes people are told to give 110%. 100% is the most one person can
give so to give 110% there must be a second guy giving 10%.
Some people are only afraid to be themselves
when they are in trouble.
Eating dinner don't make ya thinner it makes swell up in your center
Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.
If only we could swallow other people's pride starvation would end.
Don't order toast online. It's not hot when you get it in the mail & if you re-heat it in the toaster, it burns.
You can’t smudge fire.
If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them, look at the sun.
Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it
will make the bear cage a tiger cage.
Sound advice is easy to give just give advice out loud.
11AM and 12AM are a lot farther apart than you'd think.
I figured out how Christians can be in Christ. It is because God is
Cheese can be yellow, orange, white, green, & blue. In times like
7:35 A.M. Friday, September 14, 2001 A.D. we need to know what color
cheese is, but alas that time has passed.
You can lose a fight to the death & survive, if the death is of your pride.
When it comes to food the mouth is like a bad bouncer or security
guard. It is like, "Ooh you taste good! Come on in fellas!" and the
rest of the body suffers for its choices while the unhealthy food
wrecks up the place.
Sometimes it is now.
Ignorance is bliss. That is why it is fun to act ignorant.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is contagious.
If you can’t deal it may be because of an ordeal.
Ever been told to blow up some balloons?
If not then don't get in a jet plane & drop bombs, use fire
crackers it's cheaper.
The great thing about sound is that when you hear it you know you
Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.
Fun War Fact: There aren't any.
Moon walking a dog sounds like a lot more fun than walking a dog.
The original name for the football huddle was "team hug" but the
coaches felt bad because they were left out. So it was renamed huddle
which is a French word meaning, "That hug thing that sports guys do."
The stupidest question is "Is this a Question?"
Retired is like regular tired but tired again because you are old.
Don't put a toy cow skull in your little sister's bed. She's gonna wake
up with a skull in her face! Well I guess she always does that.
When you grow up they say you're raised but when you die you're lowered
into the ground.
The opposite of a puddle is a dry hill.
unsuccessful precursor to roller skates was toe trucks. The problem
with them is that they couldn’t tow the rest of the foot.
²⁰02 Epic Lesson The Longest Lesson of all Time
When you ask someone "d'ya want to go sea a movie" & they say yes..
Make them: get into a boat & drop a VHS tape, DVD, or BetaMaX tape
into the water. Then laugh as you wasted everyone's time. Following
that, brace yourself for getting pushed out of the boat. When arriving
at shore realizing the movie washed up before you pick it up & do
the same with another person. If you don't get pushed out of the boat,
use a mop as a paddle. Realizing the mop gets heavier as it sops up
more water bring the mop back in the boat & ring it out inside.
Repeating these steps you should reach the falling out of boat part as
above. This time say "let's go watch a movie." Go to England to Rude
Alf's Watch Making Shop & as the person says to you "don't go to
sleep at night" have a pillow mysteriously appear out of thin air &
go to sleep in the daytime. Waking up you find yourself in the secret
cave of Batman. Wandering around, by staying still, you eventually
become to understand it's the trunk of an automobile. Getting let out
of the trunk you find it to be the year 2091 & you've been sold to
the Good Teethed Mafia of England. In a clever idea ask them if they
want to go sea a movie. They stare blankly at you not knowing what a
movie is. Throwing soap into their eyes you find them to be androids,
being as how no Englishmen could have good teeth. Knowing their secret
you now own them & proceed to rule the world.
The outcome of this lesson can only be achieved by one. Fulfill you destiny if you are out there...
If you believe you are the one & this is your destiny, you are an
idiot & should read other lessons to learn you something..
And another thing who would waste their time on a lesson this long? Most lessons are 1 sentence not a few 100 words...
Would you please stop reeding this? There's nothing left of this
lesson. What are you looking for? Carrots aren't stacked on the moon
Maybe they are stacked on the moon what's it to ya? If you want another lesson just hold on a sec..
No we're not calling you losers for reading this far, we're calling
ourselves losers for writing all this. Oh yeah here's the Lesson..
The longest lesson ever is the longest lesson ever. Too obvious eh?
Rippn Up Lettuce <-PM
Slang is not cool.
Someone coined the phrase "coined the phrase."
Shampoo first sounds like the last thing you would want to put in your
hair. Sham and poo. But if there is any kind poo that I'd touch it
would be sham-poo.
All profanities originate in the French language.
Facts suck! Except the ones that I like.
You know you are afraid of gossip when you won't name your daughter
because you are afraid someone will talk about her behind her back.
The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.
You know you've seen something cool when you've seen lightning bugs
stuck by lightning.
If live wires make you chuckle don't take them internally. The type of laughter that will produce isn't the best medicine.
color green appears in all the great movies from the past 50 years that
is why it is allowed to be the color of money, because it is so rich
from being a movie star.
The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them
Babysitting is the worst kind of sitting.
An eggplant is what happens when you bury an egg or place an egg in someone's pocket.
not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the
dog. But when the big dog eats the little dog that has big fight in it,
If someone asks for your first name make sure they don't mean chronologically.
It’s not advisable to verbally impersonate Frankenstein’s Monster on a phone call without prior warning.
If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your
blanket then take your blanket off.
If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.
Funning is like running but with a different letter.
To Blinky, Pinky, Inky, & Clyde Pac-Man is a vicious circle.
Bottling sand is like making a chicken coop out of KFC.
When is something actually more than you can shake a stick at? When it is something that engulfs you.
A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.
Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.
Better a potbelly than a pothead.
If someone tells you that they'll think about what you said for a bit, demand instead they think about it for at least a byte.
educated people are even more clever at pretending to be stupid because
they use the "edumacated" cliché 43.668% less.
There's dark chocolate & there's milk chocolate because milk isn't dark.
A stone cold ice cube melts feverously.
If you want to accomplish something do nothing then people will say,
"he/she accomplished nothing"
This way failure is not an option.
It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.
never strikes the same place twice because it always hits a just few
millimeters to the left to make things much worse.
reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is
so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they
get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.
A cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.
All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.
The only thing people will cheer while dancing on a grave is a bear.
Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakes
they don't know what they are talking about.
The hippest way to say that you are about to cry is to say, "Immma rock
are an awesome multi-tasker if you can hit the books, the bricks, the
deck, the road, the nail on the head, the hay & the sack all at the
Chess players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate" after winning.
Everybody is always intense, the present tense.
Upping the steaks is bad for tents.
If you believe in a flat earth, maps are also globes.
The key to finding something better is looking.
If you are afraid of someone who is bad to the bone just give them a whole chicken & their badness will have to stop there.
The easiest way to find anything out is to go through your front door & away from your home.
It is pretty obvious when the fireworks industry is booming.
Are you feeling low because it's the 22nd? Well cheer up so your ceiling won't feel the same way.
It is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."
Getting hugged by a zipper hurts!
Never shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin sauce & take a bite out of ya.
Owning a moon rock is only good if you don’t get the rock as a result of the moon exploding.
If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you.. manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.
Whistling while you're lazy can't be done.
Imaginary knives have moot points.
The idea that "you can't mix apples & oranges" is why you never see
a math teacher working a juice stand.
you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras don't
say anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot. "People
spend billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"
If you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a replacement head at no extra charge.
Noodles make us all suck.
Hopping in the pool is slowest & lowest form of hopping.
People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when
they're gonna die anyway.
Of course you wouldn't understand because you're not as civilized as i
am ... maaa hew hul huk.
Most people are smarter than you think. Their mental hard drives are
pretty full, of course it mostly consists of poorly encoded video files
of movies & tv shows.
The real reason Icarus fell was because he took someone under his wing.
For optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent helplessness of women but the high value of daughters.
We are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.
Outerspace is a spaceship's yard.
Halt words lead to passwords.
When you like to make yourself dizzy but don't like being queasy,
change your name.
If you turn the hose on them then the hose won't have any friends left.
Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their
The reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even poorer they have some fat stored up to help them survive.
In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
The title of an undertaker for a graveyard of drowning victims is an afterlifeguard.
Do not fret losers for victory is not all that far away.. for the
winners. In order for there to be winners there must be losers, so feel
proud about your role in society.
You should have to pay every time you look at a billboard.
The loser doesn't get a free dinner like the winner but look at it this way, they stay thinner.
Some say "Why am I a loser? Why can't that jerk from wherever be a
loser?" Well winning makes you a jerk. Be happy you're a loser because
people never dislike a loser.. unless they're depending on one.
I've got my
Set a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will rain firey leaves.
Those who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad at saving money.
I we see I
one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing
Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal
To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.
a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped with
Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on Playstation 4
& Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.
Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.
The handicap get all the breaks in life.
The shortest distance between two points is a line unless the distance
is that of time & the line has a wait.
When someone says "I'm starting to get sick" they are either coming
down with something or coming up with something.
Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe
Second place is the first place loser.
It's not fair unless you share.
Ketchup found in captivity is always anal. Ketchup in
the glass bottle stubbornly refuses to come out & ketchup in the
plastic bottle farts about.
When you walk into a room
& smell pickles but don’t see any pickles say, “Who’s been having
an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”
Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.
There are no invisible shadows.
Knowledge unapplied is useless, so if you're lazy don't learn because
you're not gonna use it anyway.
Nothin says lovin like somethin from the oven and nothing says oven like a yak. Really you've got to hear it to believe it!
Strawberries need to come with a warning label. Too many people have
needlessly died whilst trying to use them as straws.
Cheaters try to pass the test, in more ways than one.
Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.
Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off so do your feet.
Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.
The bird chirps.
The man burps.
You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading
this & those who don't know what this part says.
value is not comparable to numbers, where one person is greater than
another. Human value is more like an alphabet where no letter is
greater than another. Each letter looks different & sounds
different yet they are always intersecting to make something great
Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a baby’s health.
Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo you.
You may think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.
14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves
& light buildings on fire to fight it. Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.
If someone asks you "Do you think..?" and you say "I don't know," that
means you didn't think about it.
If you spend your time way below sea level you won't be able to see anything.
Out of sight, out of mind.. except for the screams.
You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.
A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was on sale, especially 1999.
Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3 seconds.
When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.