Lessons September


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September
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30

September 1
²⁰02
At one point doing things the old-fashioned way will seem new again.

²⁰04
When you wish upon a star you're probably wishing you can get off the star before you burn to death.

The sweet song of bird is often overheard.
The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.

²⁰13
Cheesecake is pie's undercover agent in the evil world of cake.

²⁰14
It's now or never or the future.

²⁰15
The future was now.

²⁰16
Your birthday suit is a space suit made out of space.
²⁰04
When someone is late you lose wait.

²⁰13
Take it from me, Emperor MAR, building an empire is tough. I know this because I still haven't.

September 2
²⁰02
Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.

Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do..
How dumb are you people?!
Do you really need this lesson?

²⁰13
There is nothing wrong with being perfect.
²⁰02
Don't be a crook, Drink a book.

²⁰14
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are no fish in space. If there were loads of people would go up there to fish.

²⁰15
Summer time is the best time to have feelings because if you get hotheaded you'll burn up, if you get cold hearted you'll warm up, if you get pigheaded they'll cook you on July 4th!

²⁰16
Don’t settle for polyester candy.

September 3
²⁰02
Don't wreck your car cause if you do you might end up with one less shoe.

Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or you'll become a marked man.

²⁰13
If you own a store don't just store things there. Let people utilize monetary transactions to obtain what you store.

²⁰14
Toll booths dare say, "it is my way AND the highway."

²⁰15
The word conundrum looks like the sounds a drum makes.

²⁰16
Pollution wishes it could be friends with real clouds.
²⁰13
A tidily wink is when you wink while crying.

September 4
²⁰02
Can't find your hat?
Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it's something to do!

Eyes are more like 6 O's than 2 I's

One man's meat is another man's poison especially after digestion has completed its course.

10 out of 10 recommenders recommend recommending.

²⁰14
You are bossy if you say "Excuse me" instead of "may I be excused."

²⁰15
By & large is easy. By & small is harder.

²⁰16
If you have a mixed bag it probably wasn’t mixed by stirring.

September 5
²⁰02
Cellos aren't for camp'n.

²⁰05
Love is like butter. It is better when spread.

²⁰13
Some people have a taste for blood but I say let blood taste its own food!

²⁰14
Some people aren't a barrel of laughs. They are more like a satchel of giggles.

²⁰15
Statistics are perhaps the best dehumanizing way to help us learn about humans.

²⁰16
The real reason people used to work hard all day was because their furniture sucked. People haven't become lazier we just got La-Z-Boys so we can enjoy the greater joy in life.

September 6
²⁰02
If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
²⁰05
New beginnings always come from old ends.

²⁰13
Following by this example can annoy it. Be sure to follow at a safe distance behind the example.

²⁰14
None of us are the brightest bulb in the box unless there is a lamp in the box too.

²⁰15
No roads can talk so when we judge the roads we are on we put gravelly words in their mouth to fill their pot holes.

²⁰16
The left side of your brain wonders if you will ever return to find it in this lost & found.

September 7
²⁰02
It's ok to look at the sun at sunrise or sunset, just don't look at it in between.

²⁰05
Putting something down is just like picking something up but in reverse.

²⁰13
You're better off tooting your own horn than someone else's.

Letters are free online. We can use as many ms as we want but I only want to use 1 m. Happy Birthday Melody Joy!

²⁰14
If you have to change a baby carrot's diaper you're shopping at the wrong Whole Foods.

²⁰15
The only people you have to feel bad about not getting Christmas presents for are people whose birthdays are Dec. 26-31 because everyone else has already had presents on their birthday earlier in the year.

²⁰16
I've got a 4 year old that used a 4 finger discount on my heart.

September 8
²⁰02
When in an emergency & one says "stay calm"
Then you think "I'm not Calm, I'm (My Name)"
You should panic so you get thrown out.

²⁰05
People are such pessimists. Always looking down as they fall.

²⁰13
The only surefire way to get rid of nightmares is to sleep during the day. Anyone every heard of a daymare? Sure they have but at least it won't be dark when you wake up in terror.

²⁰14
It is faster to thank someone from the top of your heart than from the bottom of your heart because those arteries are closer to your mouth.

²⁰15
Smokey the bear is actually pro forest fire that is why he refuses to take responsibility.

²⁰16
If red carpets became famous, it would be cruel of them to walk the red carpet.

September 9
²⁰02
If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.

²⁰05
The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.

²⁰13
Everyone has problems & telling people that is patronizing & unhelpful.

Advice is a difficult thing to give especially when you don't know anything.

²⁰14
If the world runs out of fish there are plenty of other fish to fry, just not literally.

²⁰15
When Thing T. Thing dies & becomes a ghost he won't be able to find his way around because he has no eyes & will not be able to touch walls.

²⁰16
Don’t make your islands out of toast, they will get soggy & sink.

September 10
²⁰02
There's always room for Jell-O,
this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be arrested.

²⁰04
Debt is the one place that most people don't want to go to yet many take permanent vacations there.

²⁰05
It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

²⁰13
A four seater made of four cedars would intimidate aliens.

²⁰14
Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple Gauntlets.

How to get money is to win at basket sports.

²⁰15
Everyone has a dark heart because it is inside their chest.

²⁰16
Unlike automatic stuttering, manual stuttering is rude.

September 11
²⁰02
Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?
Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"

²⁰04
If your voice sounds like that of an idiot simply talk only to babies & no one will notice.

²⁰14
If you get the short end of the stick just play a little tug of war to get more.

²⁰15
There is no such thing as a fake color.

²⁰16
The invisible boxes that mimes are easily trapped in will open if the mime speaks.

September 12
²⁰02
So many people won the lottery this week that each winner actually got less money than they paid for the ticket. People who participate in the lottery are used to losing money though.

²⁰11
If you tell a mime to mime its own business it will be a mime miming a mime. Then you will have a double mime and that's.. annoying.
²⁰02
If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th, you mind as well give up & jump in the sink.

²⁰15
You don't earn nickels from chopping pennies.

Winners are quitters because they always quit when they are done winning.

If English is your first language then body language is your zeroth language.

The reason women like to be called baby is because it makes them feel younger.

Since when were bats and robins friends? Since April 1940 I guess.

I have a small apt. It is so small it doesn't even have all the letters.

Don't wait for someone to give you advice just go out there and take it!

²⁰14
You can't hear silence & that is why silence is golden. Silence is to be seen & not heard.

²⁰16
A search party is very inconsiderate unless it is later followed by a found party.

September 13
²⁰02
Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em.
If you do you'll have to count them again.

²⁰11
They say, "When it rains it pours" But really rain is just a bunch of drips.

When they combined bumper pool with bumper cars bumper boats were invented.

Sometimes people are told to give 110%. 100% is the most one person can give so to give 110% there must be a second guy giving 10%.

Some people are only afraid to be themselves when they are in trouble.

Eating dinner don't make ya thinner it makes swell up in your center

Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.

²⁰14
If only we could swallow other people's pride starvation would end.

²⁰15
Don't order toast online. It's not hot when you get it in the mail & if you re-heat it in the toaster, it burns.

²⁰16
You can’t smudge fire.

September 14
²⁰02
If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them, look at the sun.

²⁰11
Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it will make the bear cage a tiger cage.

Sound advice is easy to give just give advice out loud.

11AM and 12AM are a lot farther apart than you'd think.

I figured out how Christians can be in Christ. It is because God is holy.
²⁰01
Cheese can be yellow, orange, white, green, & blue. In times like 7:35 A.M. Friday, September 14, 2001 A.D. we need to know what color cheese is, but alas that time has passed.

²⁰15
You can lose a fight to the death & survive, if the death is of your pride.

When it comes to food the mouth is like a bad bouncer or security guard. It is like, "Ooh you taste good! Come on in fellas!" and the rest of the body suffers for its choices while the unhealthy food wrecks up the place.

Sometimes it is now.

Ignorance is bliss. That is why it is fun to act ignorant.

²⁰14
Laughter is the best medicine because it is contagious.

²⁰16
If you can’t deal it may be because of an ordeal.

September 15
²⁰02
Ever been told to blow up some balloons?
If not then don't get in a jet plane & drop bombs, use fire crackers it's cheaper.

²⁰05
The great thing about sound is that when you hear it you know you aren't deaf.

²⁰11
Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.

Fun War Fact: There aren't any.

Moon walking a dog sounds like a lot more fun than walking a dog.

The original name for the football huddle was "team hug" but the coaches felt bad because they were left out. So it was renamed huddle which is a French word meaning, "That hug thing that sports guys do."

The stupidest question is "Is this a Question?"

Retired is like regular tired but tired again because you are old.

Don't put a toy cow skull in your little sister's bed. She's gonna wake up with a skull in her face! Well I guess she always does that.

²⁰14
When you grow up they say you're raised but when you die you're lowered into the ground.

²⁰15
The opposite of a puddle is a dry hill.

²⁰16
The unsuccessful precursor to roller skates was toe trucks. The problem with them is that they couldn’t tow the rest of the foot.

September 16
²⁰02 Epic Lesson The Longest Lesson of all Time:
When you ask someone "d'ya want to go sea a movie" & they say yes.. Make them: get into a boat & drop a VHS tape, DVD, or BetaMaX tape into the water. Then laugh as you wasted everyone's time. Following that, brace yourself for getting pushed out of the boat. When arriving at shore realizing the movie washed up before you pick it up & do the same with another person. If you don't get pushed out of the boat, use a mop as a paddle. Realizing the mop gets heavier as it sops up more water bring the mop back in the boat & ring it out inside. Repeating these steps you should reach the falling out of boat part as above. This time say "let's go watch a movie." Go to England to Rude Alf's Watch Making Shop & as the person says to you "don't go to sleep at night" have a pillow mysteriously appear out of thin air & go to sleep in the daytime. Waking up you find yourself in the secret cave of Batman. Wandering around, by staying still, you eventually become to understand it's the trunk of an automobile. Getting let out of the trunk you find it to be the year 2091 & you've been sold to the Good Teethed Mafia of England. In a clever idea ask them if they want to go sea a movie. They stare blankly at you not knowing what a movie is. Throwing soap into their eyes you find them to be androids, being as how no Englishmen could have good teeth. Knowing their secret you now own them & proceed to rule the world.
The outcome of this lesson can only be achieved by one. Fulfill you destiny if you are out there...
If you believe you are the one & this is your destiny, you are an idiot & should read other lessons to learn you something..
And another thing who would waste their time on a lesson this long? Most lessons are 1 sentence not a few 100 words...
Would you please stop reeding this? There's nothing left of this lesson. What are you looking for? Carrots aren't stacked on the moon you know...
Maybe they are stacked on the moon what's it to ya? If you want another lesson just hold on a sec..
No we're not calling you losers for reading this far, we're calling ourselves losers for writing all this. Oh yeah here's the Lesson..
The longest lesson ever is the longest lesson ever. Too obvious eh?
Rippn Up Lettuce <-PM

²⁰11
Slang is not cool.

Someone coined the phrase "coined the phrase."

Shampoo first sounds like the last thing you would want to put in your hair. Sham and poo. But if there is any kind poo that I'd touch it would be sham-poo.

All profanities originate in the French language.

Facts suck! Except the ones that I like.

You know you are afraid of gossip when you won't name your daughter because you are afraid someone will talk about her behind her back.

The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.

²⁰14
You know you've seen something cool when you've seen lightning bugs stuck by lightning.

²⁰15
If live wires make you chuckle don't take them internally. The type of laughter that will produce isn't the best medicine.

²⁰16
The color green appears in all the great movies from the past 50 years that is why it is allowed to be the color of money, because it is so rich from being a movie star.

September 17
²⁰02
The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way

²⁰13
Babysitting is the worst kind of sitting.

An eggplant is what happens when you bury an egg or place an egg in someone's pocket.

²⁰14
It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. But when the big dog eats the little dog that has big fight in it, look out!

²⁰15
If someone asks for your first name make sure they don't mean chronologically.

²⁰16
It’s not advisable to verbally impersonate Frankenstein’s Monster on a phone call without prior warning.

September 18
²⁰02
If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your blanket then take your blanket off.

If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.

²⁰13
Funning is like running but with a different letter.

²⁰14
To Blinky, Pinky, Inky, & Clyde Pac-Man is a vicious circle.

²⁰15
Bottling sand is like making a chicken coop out of KFC.

²⁰16
When is something actually more than you can shake a stick at? When it is something that engulfs you.

September 19
²⁰02
A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.

²⁰05
Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.
²⁰04
Better a potbelly than a pothead.

²⁰13
If someone tells you that they'll think about what you said for a bit, demand instead they think about it for at least a byte.

²⁰14
Interestingly, educated people are even more clever at pretending to be stupid because they use the "edumacated" cliché 43.668% less.

²⁰15
There's dark chocolate & there's milk chocolate because milk isn't dark.

²⁰16
A stone cold ice cube melts feverously.

September 20
²⁰02
If you want to accomplish something do nothing then people will say,
"he/she accomplished nothing"
This way failure is not an option.

²⁰13
It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.

²⁰14
Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it always hits a just few millimeters to the left to make things much worse.

²⁰15
The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.

A cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.

All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.

²⁰16
The only thing people will cheer while dancing on a grave is a bear.

September 21
²⁰02
Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakes
they don't know what they are talking about.

²⁰11
The hippest way to say that you are about to cry is to say, "Immma rock a tear."

²⁰14
You are an awesome multi-tasker if you can hit the books, the bricks, the deck, the road, the nail on the head, the hay & the sack all at the same time.

²⁰15
Chess players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate" after winning.

Everybody is always intense, the present tense.

Upping the steaks is bad for tents.

²⁰16
If you believe in a flat earth, maps are also globes.

September 22
²⁰04
The key to finding something better is looking.

²⁰13
If you are afraid of someone who is bad to the bone just give them a whole chicken & their badness will have to stop there.

The easiest way to find anything out is to go through your front door & away from your home.

²⁰14
It is pretty obvious when the fireworks industry is booming.
²⁰02
Are you feeling low because it's the 22nd? Well cheer up so your ceiling won't feel the same way.

²⁰15
It is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."

Getting hugged by a zipper hurts!

Never shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin sauce & take a bite out of ya.

²⁰16
Owning a moon rock is only good if you don’t get the rock as a result of the moon exploding.

September 23
²⁰02
If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you.. manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.

²⁰04
Whistling while you're lazy can't be done.

²⁰13
Imaginary knives have moot points.

²⁰14
The idea that "you can't mix apples & oranges" is why you never see a math teacher working a juice stand.

²⁰15
If you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras don't say anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot. "People spend billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"

If you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a replacement head at no extra charge.

Noodles make us all suck.

²⁰16
Hopping in the pool is slowest & lowest form of hopping.

September 24
²⁰02
People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when they're gonna die anyway.
²⁰01
Of course you wouldn't understand because you're not as civilized as i am ... maaa hew hul huk.

²⁰13
Most people are smarter than you think. Their mental hard drives are pretty full, of course it mostly consists of poorly encoded video files of movies & tv shows.

²⁰14
The real reason Icarus fell was because he took someone under his wing.

²⁰15
For optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent helplessness of women but the high value of daughters.

We are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.

Outerspace is a spaceship's yard.

²⁰16
Halt words lead to passwords.

September 25
²⁰02
When you like to make yourself dizzy but don't like being queasy, change your name.

²⁰13
If you turn the hose on them then the hose won't have any friends left.

²⁰14
Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their stomach acid.

²⁰15
The reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even poorer they have some fat stored up to help them survive.

In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.

Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.

²⁰16
The title of an undertaker for a graveyard of drowning victims is an afterlifeguard.

September 26
²⁰13
Do not fret losers for victory is not all that far away.. for the winners. In order for there to be winners there must be losers, so feel proud about your role in society.
²⁰02
You should have to pay every time you look at a billboard.

The loser doesn't get a free dinner like the winner but look at it this way, they stay thinner.

Some say "Why am I a loser? Why can't that jerk from wherever be a loser?" Well winning makes you a jerk. Be happy you're a loser because people never dislike a loser.. unless they're depending on one.

²⁰14
I've got my
I
U

²⁰15
Set a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will rain firey leaves.

Those who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad at saving money.

I we see I

²⁰16
No one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal reasons.

To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.

It’s a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped with Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on Playstation 4 & Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.

September 27
²⁰02
Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.

²⁰07
The handicap get all the breaks in life.

The shortest distance between two points is a line unless the distance is that of time & the line has a wait.

When someone says "I'm starting to get sick" they are either coming down with something or coming up with something.

²⁰14
Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe wreck.
²⁰07
Second place is the first place loser.

It's not fair unless you share.

²⁰15
Ketchup found in captivity is always anal. Ketchup in the glass bottle stubbornly refuses to come out & ketchup in the plastic bottle farts about.

²⁰16
When you walk into a room & smell pickles but don’t see any pickles say, “Who’s been having an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”

Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.

There are no invisible shadows.

September 28
²⁰02
Knowledge unapplied is useless, so if you're lazy don't learn because you're not gonna use it anyway.

²⁰13
Nothin says lovin like somethin from the oven and nothing says oven like a yak. Really you've got to hear it to believe it!

²⁰14
Strawberries need to come with a warning label. Too many people have needlessly died whilst trying to use them as straws.

²⁰15
Cheaters try to pass the test, in more ways than one.

²⁰16
Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.

Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off so do your feet.

Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.

September 29
²⁰02
The bird chirps.
The man burps.

²⁰13
You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.

²⁰14
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading this & those who don't know what this part says.

²⁰15
Human value is not comparable to numbers, where one person is greater than another. Human value is more like an alphabet where no letter is greater than another. Each letter looks different & sounds different yet they are always intersecting to make something great together.

²⁰16
Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a baby’s health.

Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo you.

You may think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.

September 30
²⁰02
14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves & light buildings on fire to fight it. Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.

²⁰10
If someone asks you "Do you think..?" and you say "I don't know," that means you didn't think about it.

²⁰13
If you spend your time way below sea level you won't be able to see anything.

²⁰14
Out of sight, out of mind.. except for the screams.

²⁰15
You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.

²⁰16
A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was on sale, especially 1999.

Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3 seconds.

When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

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