Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans
filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.
If you listened every once in a while you wouldn't listen very much.
Don't mow your lawn chair.
If you think the weather is bad today just wait for the past. There was some serious weather back then!
A fine way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to hit the dog a few
times in the head so it'll forget the old tricks. The problem with that
method is that it is a complete waste of time lest you enjoy hitting
Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.
A finer way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to teach your dog
nothing its whole life until it is old & then teach it tricks &
there you go. You've taught an old dog new tricks.
Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..
Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no
friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like
"Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.
Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already
If money were recycled it would be true that it takes money to make
money however money is not recycled so you should use any land you
obtain to plant trees because it takes trees to make money.
I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference
between right & wrong.
Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.
Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for
a new beginning.
One who seeks advice is not wise because you need to subtract vice not
add to it.
The reason why women always go to the bathroom together is because the
door reads "Women" and they don't realize that it is possible to go in
one at a time.
If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.
Don't make soup without an acorn.
Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.
Sweeping broken things creatively can actually cause those things to break dance.
As time passes so shall men.
There is no wonder as to why so many people turn to crime, it is the
only way some of them can be wanted.
If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you
should get a Savage Beating.
Some animals have hands yet they don't wear hand me downs because they wear fur because for them fur isn't murder, fur is life.
You don't have to walk sideways on a sidewalk.
Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go
Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.
A candle may not be a game but it, like most light matter, can be used in a game of catch.
If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new
If you can fit in a tank it probably isn't a gas tank.
Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.
If you forget the name of your shoe you are too prideful with your head in the air & all.
If you forget the name of your horse it runs, possibly away, but horses
will run anyway, as in any direction AND regardless of you forgetting
WHO they are.
If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.
Being late multiple times equals getting fired. And standing next to
fire makes you sweat just like being broke & jobless (in the summer
Spending large amounts of time driving could mean you are a retired golfer or a retired golfer's caddy.
Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.
If you can't have fun you got to make it.
Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style,
technology, & today's date to be the same for years & years to
If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they
get on that plane.
The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.
People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that
some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with.
Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon
They know it's a watermelon.
If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make
things up such as excuses.
People think that when
you hear thunder lightning is near but thunder comes after lightning.
So when you hear thunder that means lightning was near.
You know why aliens aren't around anymore?
Because, they used tortoises as laborers & when we found out we
laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.
The reason old people play golf is because they can use the club as a cane and not look like they're using a cane.
Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get
the bag wet.
Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.
If you give yourself advice you must not know what you're talking about
to begin with because you need advice.
When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head
in to learn again.
Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.
Tired of wearing the same old clothes?
Well you ain't getting any money from me!
A loser is nothing more than a quitter who finished, just like a winner is nothing more than a loser who won.
If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself
"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"
If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain
for having its cape & you'll get beat up.
Regardless of if the chicken or the egg came first it was tasty right
from the start.
Chicken fries would be called "fried chicken" if the name had not
already been taken. Unfortunately the name "French fries" was also
Like is spelled like lick (using letters) so when someone likes
something crappy it is like they are tasting it thus getting an
acquired taste for crud. This is why baloney means guff.
Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any
People say "some things never change" but actually.. everything changes
all the time because of time.
As dirt is bad for appearances so dirty words are bad for
A D fence isn't so smart.
Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.
The best place to fall in love is in front of a laundromat.
Microphones are the worst things to get into arguments with, they
somehow have the same ideas for the snappy remarks you come up with at
the exact same time. Scary yet flattering.
People go out to lunch because they are into lunch.
Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.
When you reach retirement age remember..
Oh yeah people at retirement age can't remember anything, never mind.
The future is easy to catch but the present always escapes.
Remixes dare to grant the wish of, "I wish this repetitive pop song was
even more repetitive."
For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car'
I think of October 22, 2001.
If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking
about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.
If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may lose, you won't feel stupid.
If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would
be more cannibals.
If you ever hear fresh squeezed orange juice being advertised don't
believe it because juice can't be squeezed.
If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get
Fewer people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.
The top hat had an unsuccessful sequel called the bottom hat. It was
essentially portable chamber pot. Although it came in handy for many a
dandy even the French found it too foul.
Off color remarks usually mean that the teacher’s regular pen has run out of ink.
When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"
Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off
No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a name tag.
Candy taste good going in but should only be eaten once.
One is a magic number because most magic wands are shaped like ones
rather than other numbers. Eight used to be the magic number but
magicians' children would race their toy cars on their parents' wands.
So then they changed the magic number to three, which was some time in
the 1970s. Three had children's cars running off the track which was
funny for a while until the parents had to buy more toys. One then
became the magic number & the wands were made to be rounded to make
any & all cars fall off of them.
Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.
When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.
Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative.
Umpires are like vampires but with less va va va & more u u u (pronounced as a grunted 'oo').
If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,
move them closer or use a phone.
Shallow people & ugly people can both enjoy Halloween together.
Fear the lion not the roar.
The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming.
Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.
Celebrating Halloween is like eating a hollow bean because Halloween is
all about the surface. Except the internal digestion of candy which
later becomes an external thing..
There are ghosts from coast to coast.
Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.
The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't
look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have
multiple children you can dress them as one cart each.
If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up,
Be cautious to not be too cautious.
Because people go around looking maimed already Halloween is the
perfect night to give someone a savage beating & get away with it.
The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.
-A Message from Adults Everywhere
During the month of October cheap restaurant owners just stop cleaning
their buildings in order to get the cob web/spider decoration for