Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans
filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.
Don't mow your lawn chair.
Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.
Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..
Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no
friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like
"Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.
Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already
I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference
between right & wrong.
Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.
Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for
a new beginning.
One who seeks advice is not wise because you need to subtract vice not
add to it.
The reason why women always go to the bathroom together is because the
door reads "Women" and they don't realize that it is possible to go in
one at a time.
If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.
Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.
Don't make soup without an acorn.
If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you
should get a Savage Beating.
As time passes so shall men.
There is no wonder as to why so many people turn to crime, it is the
only way some of them can be wanted.
Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go
Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.
If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new
Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.
If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.
If you can't have fun you got to make it.
Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.
If you don't want you're bills to be sky-high, stop them before they
get on that plane.
The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.
Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon
They know it's a watermelon.
If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make
things up such as excuses.
10/14/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
People think that when you hear thunder lightening is near but thunder
comes after lightning. So when you hear thunder that means lightning
You know why aliens aren't around anymore?
Because, they used tortoises as laborer's & when we found out we
laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.
10/15/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
The reason why old people play golf is because they can use the club as
a cane and not look like their using a cane.
Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get
the bag wet.
Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.
10/16/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
If you give yourself advice you must not know what you're talking about
to begin with because you need advice.
When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head
in to learn again.
10/17/07 Flashback Edition (1/23/05)
Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.
Tired of wearing the same old clothes?
Well you ain't getting any money from me!
If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself
"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"
If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain
for having its cape & you'll get beat up.
10/19/11 Piemerica's Double Chicken Lessons of/for the Day
Regardless of if the chicken or the egg came first it was tasty right
from the start.
Chicken fries would be called "fried chicken" if the name had not
already been taken. Unfortunately the name "French fries" was also
Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any
People say "some things never change" but actually.. everything changes
all the time because of time.
As dirt is bad for appearances so dirty words are bad for
Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.
The best place to fall in love is in front of a laundromat.
Microphones are the worst things to get into arguments with, they
somehow have the same ideas for the snappy remarks you come up with at
the exact same time. Scary yet flattering.
People go out to lunch because they are into lunch.
For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car'
I think of October 22, 2001.
Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.
When you reach retirement age remember..
Oh yeah people at retirement age can't remember anything, never mind.
The future is easy to catch but the present always escapes.
Remixes dare to grant the wish of, "I wish this repetitive pop song was
even more repetitive."
If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may loose,
you won't feel stupid.
If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking
about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.
If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would
be more cannibals.
If you ever hear fresh squeezed orange juice being advertised don't
believe it because juice can't be squeezed.
If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get
Less people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.
The top hat had an unsuccessful sequel called the bottom hat. It was
essentially portable chamber pot. Although it came in handy for many a
dandy even the French found it too foul.
When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"
Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off
No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a name tag.
Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.
When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.
Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative.
10/27/02 Terrible Lesson:
If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,
move them closer or use a phone.
Fear the lion not the roar.
The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming.
Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.
There are ghosts from coast to coast.
Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.
If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up,
10/30/07 Flashback Edition (5/15/05)
Be cautious to not be too cautious.
The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.
-A Message from Adults Everywhere
During the month of October cheap restaurant owners just stop cleaning
their buildings in order to get the cob web/spider decoration for