Lessons October


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

October
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

October 1
⁰02
Getting diseases from can openers is not common unless you open cans filled with disease.
⁰13
If you listened every once in a while you wouldn't listen very much.

⁰14
You are weird if you like to watch sports.. through the scope of a sniper rifle.

⁰15
You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish hook.

⁰16
You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not being able to find good jobs in this economy.

17
The world is a creepier place if you realize that every hand you see is a naked puppet.

October 2
⁰02
Don't mow your lawn chair.

⁰13
If you think the weather is bad today just wait for the past. There was some serious weather back then!

⁰14
You are weird if cats are your favorite animal.. to place bets with.

⁰15
You are weird if you watch primetime tv.. with intact paper sacks over your head, hands, & remote.

⁰16
You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs exact change for a ransom.

17
Saying, "But my home is my castle" won't get you off when the cops find out you have people chained up in your basement.

October 3
⁰02
Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.

⁰13
A fine way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to hit the dog a few times in the head so it'll forget the old tricks. The problem with that method is that it is a complete waste of time lest you enjoy hitting your dog.

A finer way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to teach your dog nothing its whole life until it is old & then teach it tricks & there you go. You've taught an old dog new tricks.

⁰14
You are weird if you only see your extended family a few times a year.. y'know during those big heists.

⁰15
You are weird if you are just shy.. of speaking 600 words per minute.

⁰16
You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.

17
Having a silencer put to your mouth will quiet you indeed unless you love the taste & have to squeal with delight that you've finally found your El Dorado of flavor!

October 4
⁰02
Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..
Fire is mad & lonely. Everything fire touches burns. It has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like,
"Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.

⁰05
Closing your eyes at night is pointless because it's already dark.

⁰13
If money were recycled it would be true that it takes money to make money however money is not recycled so you should use any land you obtain to plant trees because it takes trees to make money.

⁰14
You are weird if you celebrate the 4th of July.. on January 6th, with waterworks, & a kosher meal.

⁰15
You are weird if on sunny days you try to talk the sky into seeing your therapist because it looks blue.

⁰16
You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced bread was invented to sell toasters

17
A hamster chef could be a human that cooks hamsters, a hamster that cooks, or a cannibal hamster that cooks hamsters.

October 5
⁰02
I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference between right & wrong.
⁰05
Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.

⁰04
Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.

⁰08
One who seeks advice is not wise because you need to subtract vice not add to it.

The reason why women always go to the bathroom together is because the door reads "Women" and they don't realize that it is possible to go in one at a time.

⁰14
You are weird if you stop at red stop lights.. only because you think they are death rays put there by the oil companies to get you to burn more fuel.

⁰15
You are weird if you wish others happy birthday.. as your birthday wish when you blow out your candles.

⁰16
It is weird to equate burying chicken bones to zombie chicken farming.

17
If truth really is stranger than fiction there must be some awesome alien planets out there.

October 6
⁰02
Don't make soup without an acorn.
⁰02
If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.

⁰04
Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.

⁰13
Sweeping broken things creatively can actually cause those things to break dance.

⁰14
You are weird if you won't take no for an answer.. because you always take it for a question despite the inflection.

⁰15
You are weird if you put Betamax tapes in cocoons hoping they'll transform into Blu-Ray discs.

⁰16
You are weird if you set up a neighborhood watch that neighbors can sign out if they want to wear it.

17
Highered is not a word even though lowered is.

October 7
⁰02
If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you should get a Savage Beating.

⁰04
As time passes so shall men.

⁰10
There is no wonder as to why so many people turn to crime, it is the only way some of them can be wanted.

⁰13
Some animals have hands yet they don't wear hand me downs because they wear fur because for them fur isn't murder, fur is life.

You don't have to walk sideways on a sidewalk.

⁰14
You are weird if you've ever seen a horse.. give you a manicure.

⁰15
You are weird if when someone says, "You'll never guess who I ran into today!" you grab a hidden duffel bag & disappear from their lives forever.

⁰16
You are weird if you feed your hippo boxes of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

17
You can't throw a queen worm at a wall, tickle it, & expect it to do your walrus's math homework.

October 8
⁰01
Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.

⁰02
Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.

⁰13
A candle may not be a game but it, like most light matter, can be used in a game of catch.

⁰14
You are weird if you've invented the trinocular just in case people evolve a 3rd eye in your life time.

⁰15
You are weird if you regularly go shopping.. for camels in Alaska.

⁰16
It is weirder to take the finger than it is to give the finger, unless you’re a sharp toothed beast that doesn’t have fingers.

17
Put googly eyes on your steps so your stairs can stare at you.

October 9
⁰02
If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new calendar.

⁰13
If you can fit in a tank it probably isn't a gas tank.

⁰14
You are weird if you like baking soda.

⁰15
You are weird if you take pictures of the summer breeze blowing above your head.

⁰16
You are weird if you've ever received death threats.. offline.

17
The blind leading the blind is bad unless your blind guide dog has it's own seeing eye puppy.

October 10
⁰02
Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.
⁰13
If you forget the name of your horse it runs, possibly away, but horses will run anyway, as in any direction AND regardless of you forgetting WHO they are.
⁰13
If you forget the name of your shoe you are too prideful with your head in the air & all.

⁰14
You are weird if you like to go out dancing.. into traffic.

⁰15
You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.

⁰16
You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way out if you ever go under house arrest.

17
Blood is thicker than water & tricycles are thicker than blood.

October 11
⁰02
If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.

⁰13
Being late multiple times equals getting fired. And standing next to fire makes you sweat just like being broke & jobless (in the summer time).

Spending large amounts of time driving could mean you are a retired golfer or a retired golfer's caddy.

⁰14
You are weird if you borrow your neighbor's rake every fall.. so you can regift it to him the following Christmas.

⁰15
You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.

⁰16
You are weird if you think pastrami can substitute for deodorant.

17
You best learn the difference between gears & sprockets because our future robot overlords will give us all a pop quiz & you'll feel really embarrassed if you fail.

October 12
⁰02
Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.
⁰01
If you can't have fun you got to make it.

⁰13
Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style, technology, & today's date to be the same for years & years to come.

⁰14
You are weird if your shirt has two sleeves.. of hard taco shells.

⁰15
You are weird if you never say "never".. and you speak English.

⁰16
Being dressed by a team of monkeys isn’t as weird as being addressed by a team of monkeys.

17
Being put in the doghouse is great if your significant other is a dog.

October 13
⁰02
If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane!
⁰13
People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with.
⁰05
The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.

⁰14
You are weird if you buy tv dinners.

⁰15
You are weird if you take responsibility.. for inventing the steam engine.. on your resume.. while trying to get a job at a business you just started.. & interviewing yourself in an unlit trunk.

⁰16
You are weird if your favorite flavored floss is habanero.

17
A sword with a scope seems like a technological marvel & such a deal at this great price but in close quarters combat a scope is useless & you need to realize that the scope is just a regular piece of glass. Save your money but not for a flyswatter with a scope.

October 14
⁰02
Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights.
They know it's a watermelon.
⁰05
If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.

⁰07
People think that when you hear thunder lightning is near but thunder comes after lightning. So when you hear thunder that means lightning was near.

⁰14
You are weird if you boil your coffee.. with your mouth!

⁰15
You are weird if tuck your kilt into your socks.

⁰16
You are weird if you walk your dog.. into a swimming pool full of marshmallows skewered on cacti.

17
Gold can never love you back. But if you coat your friends in gold..

October 15
⁰02
You know why aliens aren't around anymore?
Because, they used tortoises as laborers & when we found out we laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.

⁰07
The reason old people play golf is because they can use the club as a cane and not look like they're using a cane.

⁰14
You are weird if you add cheese to everything. EVERYTHING including:  shoes, wigs, belts, petrol, earrings, goat cheese, eyebrows, letters, e-mails, harpsichords, tickets, sounds, light rays, hopscotch boundaries, felt, & a variety of lenses.

⁰15
You are weird if you like to give mad props to actors.

⁰16
You are weird if you think clouds rarely drop rain because most of the time the cloud throws it up hoping it will fly into outerspace.

17
When you die you get a choice to go back to earth as either a ghost or a zombie. No one has ever picked zombie, for obvious reasons. But when this generation of nerds dies we'll start seeing their fanboy & fangirl-isms culminating in them being the first humans to choose to come back as zombies. It will be a terrible mistake as their nerdier kids & grandkids will be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse. But if we hurry up & make a really cool Casper movie this zombie apocalypse could be prevented!

October 16
⁰02
Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get the bag wet.

⁰04
Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.

⁰07
If you give yourself advice you must not know what you're talking about to begin with because you need advice.

⁰14
You are weird if you write just a few texts a day.. using only SpagettiOs!

⁰15
You are weird if you cut watermelon.. out of your will.. as an inheritance because they spoil faster than you do.

⁰16
You are weird if you think leaf laden areas with “No Raking” signs have catapults hidden in them.. or maybe you're onto something there.

17
Squelch stress by getting chocolate beepers that beep to remind you to eat them.

October 17
⁰02
When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head in to learn again.

⁰07
Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.

⁰14
You are weird if you paint your nails.

⁰15
You are weird if you catch snowflakes so you can clone them to throw the world into disarray.

⁰16
You are weird if your two person Halloween costume is you dressed as a steaming hot bowl of edible soup & the other person as a spoon in said soup.

17
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. You know what else keeps doctors away? Guns! *bang!* Get outta my town wit ya sorcery! *bang!* *bang!*

October 18
⁰02
Tired of wearing the same old clothes?
Well you ain't getting any money from me!

⁰13
A loser is nothing more than a quitter who finished, just like a winner is nothing more than a loser who won.

⁰14
You are weird if you like to travel.. but only because you are looking for mother nature's baby.

⁰15
You are weird if your pantry is full of cans.. of WiFi.

⁰16
Watching a documentary on shelf life isn’t as weird as watching a documentary on the life of a shelf.

17
Better late than never does not apply to assassination attempts.

October 19
⁰02
If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself
"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"
If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain for having its cape & you'll get beat up.

⁰11
Regardless of if the chicken or the egg came first it was tasty right from the start.

Chicken fries would be called "fried chicken" if the name had not already been taken. Unfortunately the name "French fries" was also taken.

⁰13
Like is spelled like lick (using letters) so when someone likes something crappy it is like they are tasting it thus getting an acquired taste for crud. This is why baloney means guff.

⁰14
You are weird if you rock the boat by stoning the bottom of glass boats.

⁰15
You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.

⁰16
Taking a milk blot test is weird but crying over a milk blot test is weirder.

17
Buy a cherry flavored coffin so you can be a cough drop for monster moles.

October 20
⁰02
Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk anyway.

⁰07
People say "some things never change" but actually.. everything changes all the time because of time.

⁰11
As dirt is bad for appearances so dirty words are bad for soundpearances.

⁰13
A D fence isn't so smart.

⁰14
You are weird if you use fencing to separate your yard from your neighbor's yard.

⁰15
You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always win by default.

⁰16
It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.

17
Like eyeballs, light bulbs are better to eat out of socket.

October 21
⁰02
Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.

⁰04
The best place to fall in love is in front of a laundromat.

⁰07
Microphones are the worst things to get into arguments with, they somehow have the same ideas for the snappy remarks you come up with at the exact same time. Scary yet flattering.

⁰11
People go out to lunch because they are into lunch.

⁰14
You are weird if before eating a banana you peel it.. with a unicorn's secret horn.

⁰15
You are weird if you think America is going downhill.. because a mountain of lobster eggs is growing under it soon to tilt us all into the ocean. But on the bright side people on the east coast will have the longest, awesomest slide ever.

⁰16
You are weird if you have skeletons in your closet because you're hoping to start a museum.

17
Wearing glasses with tie dye lenses can help you break your annoying habit of throwing paint everywhere.

October 22
⁰01
For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car' I think of October 22, so watch out!

⁰02
Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.

⁰04
When you reach retirement age remember..
Oh yeah people at retirement age can't remember anything, never mind.

⁰07
The future is easy to catch but the present always escapes.

⁰11
Remixes dare to grant the wish of, "I wish this repetitive pop song was even more repetitive."

⁰14
You are weird if you can spell your own name.. with a foreign alphabet.

⁰15
You are weird if you mark important dates on your calendar.. with your urine.

⁰16
You are weird if you use the hands of an analog clock as a very very lazy susan for single grains of rice.

17
If you're getting a paternity test for a bee make sure whoever reads the results doesn't have a silly accent or you may not understand him if he says, "You're the bee's niece."

October 23
⁰02
If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.
⁰01
If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may lose, you won't feel stupid.

⁰04
If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

⁰11
If you ever hear fresh squeezed orange juice being advertised don't believe it because juice can't be squeezed.

⁰14
You are weird if you like sharing your feelings.. with boxes of nails.

⁰15
You are weird if you think paragraphs jump out of paper planes.

⁰16
You are weird if you feed the homeless but only so you can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.

17
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.. unless you're locked in a dungeon, then every hour is the darkest hour.

October 24
⁰02
If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get electricity.

⁰04
Fewer people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.

⁰11
The top hat had an unsuccessful sequel called the bottom hat. It was essentially portable chamber pot. Although it came in handy for many a dandy even the French found it too foul.

⁰13
Off color remarks usually mean that the teacher’s regular pen has run out of ink.

⁰14
You are weird if your hamster has a hamster wheel made out of your old hamsters.

⁰15
You are weird if you bury your beloved pets.. under other people's potted plants.

⁰16
You are weird if you say you run marathons, but in reality you've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.

17
A bottle is not a loaf of bread made of glass.

October 25
⁰02
When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"
Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off your porch.

⁰04
No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a name tag.

⁰13
Candy taste good going in but should only be eaten once.

One is a magic number because most magic wands are shaped like ones rather than other numbers. Eight used to be the magic number but magicians' children would race their toy cars on their parents' wands. So then they changed the magic number to three, which was some time in the 1970s. Three had children's cars running off the track which was funny for a while until the parents had to buy more toys. One then became the magic number & the wands were made to be rounded to make any & all cars fall off of them.

⁰14
You are weird if you store your leftover foods in your refrigerator.. because you fear it will get revenge on you for eating them & not finishing the job.

⁰15
You are weird if like to light farts.. in hospital nurseries.

⁰16
You are weird if you demand your pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox because it's easier to get them syrupy.

17
If you hit someone in the face with a comic book opened to a page where Superman is punching, Paper Superman will come to life! He is very brittle & is ruined when wet, but he can still fly, although even the slightest micro-kilometer of wind can throw him off course.

October 26
⁰02
Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

⁰04
When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.
⁰07
Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative.

⁰13
Umpires are like vampires but with less va va va & more u u u (pronounced as a grunted 'oo').
⁰14
You are weird if you like dressing on your salad.

⁰15
You are weird if you have a tree in your yard.. that won't shut up about its fear of being turned into a push broom. We all know push brooms are the most honorable broom.

⁰16
You are weird if you like to leave letters addressed to your mailman in your mailbox just so he knows you know where he lives too.

17
You are weird if when someone says to you, "Prepare to die" you say, "Thanks for the sound advice I'll make a will right now. What would you like me to leave you?"

October 27
⁰02
If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,
move them closer or use a phone.

⁰13
Shallow people & ugly people can both enjoy Halloween together.
⁰04
Fear the lion not the roar.

⁰07
The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming.

⁰14
You are weird if you can count to 3.. without using your brain.

⁰15
You are weird if you feel like a million bucks.. being burned in front of hundreds of poor people.

⁰16
You are weird if you befriend vegans just so you can say "where's the beef?" more often.

17
Come on, try to figure out what's funny about this lesson. It's not sandwich science.

October 28
⁰02
Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.

⁰13
Celebrating Halloween is like eating a hollow bean because Halloween is all about the surface. Except the internal digestion of candy which later becomes an external thing..

⁰14
You are weird if your great great great grandparents are dead.. but you still receive their mail.

⁰15
You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get with one another.

⁰16
You are weird if you say things like, "the cactus doesn't fall far from the guy who was carrying the cactus," & "Don't worry, because this will be brief, Canadian luau brief."

17
You are weird if you tell the moon, "Rise & Shine!"

October 29
⁰02
There are ghosts from coast to coast.
Actually there aren't but if you believed that you are stupid.

⁰13
The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have multiple children you can dress them as one cart each.

⁰14
You are weird if at night you lock your house.. in an electrified terrordome surrounded by exploding night waffles!

⁰15
You are weird if you took other kids' lunch money.. to prom.

⁰16
Overusing the word figuratively is literally weirder than overusing the word literally. "Chicken soup is figuratively my favorite food, figuratively!" "Be careful with that! You could figuratively knock your teeth out!"

17
You are weird if the only reason you have a gym membership is to help the economy.

October 30
⁰02
If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

⁰07
Be cautious to not be too cautious.

⁰13
Because people go around looking maimed already Halloween is the perfect night to give someone a savage beating & get away with it.

⁰14
You are weird if you watch your tv.. torturing villagers in 1607 BC!

⁰15
You are weird if you never wear sandals because you don't want the NSA to have data on your toes.

⁰16
You are weird if you use spider webs to create the illusion of floating confetti.

17
Beauty is only skin deep unless you're really into guts.

October 31
⁰02
The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.
-A Message from Adults Everywhere

⁰06
During the month of October cheap restaurant owners just stop cleaning their buildings in order to get the cob web/spider decoration for Halloween.

⁰14
You are weird if you have 10 fingers.. that aren't yours.

⁰15
You are weird if you weep openly when a loved one dies.. their hair.

⁰16
You are weird if your job is to help chickens cross roads without asking no questions.

17
If giving your heart away makes you lose your mind sell your other organs too. You're on a roll!

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

House



































October Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
If you listened every once in a while you wouldn't listen very much.

Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.

If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.

If you forget the name of your horse it runs, possibly away, but horses will run anyway, as in any direction AND regardless of you forgetting WHO they are.

If you can't have fun you got to make it.

People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with.

If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.

If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may lose, you won't feel stupid.

Umpires are like vampires but with less va va va & more u u u (pronounced as a grunted 'oo').

Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative.

Fear the lion not the roar.

The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming.

Original Versions of Changed Lessons:
10/1
Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.

10/4
Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well.. Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like, "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.

Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already dark.

10/13
If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane.

You are weird if you take responsibility.. for inventing the steam engine.. on your resume.. while trying to get a job at a business you just started & interviewing yourself in an unlit trunk.

10/20
Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any way.

10/22
For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car' I think of October 22, 2001.

10/29
There are ghosts from coast to coast. Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.