Lessons October

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1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

October 1
Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.

If you listened every once in a while you wouldn't listen very much.

You are weird if you like to watch sports.. through the scope of a sniper rifle.

October 2
Don't mow your lawn chair.

If you think the weather is bad today just wait for the past. There was some serious weather back then!

You are weird if cats are your favorite animal.. to place bets with.

October 3
A fine way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to hit the dog a few times in the head so it'll forget the old tricks. The problem with that method is that it is a complete waste of time lest you enjoy hitting your dog.
Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.

A finer way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to teach your dog nothing its whole life until it is old & then teach it tricks & there you go. You've taught an old dog new tricks.

You are weird if you only see your extended family a few times a year.. y'know during those big heists.

October 4
Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..
Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like
"Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.
Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already dark.

If money were recycled it would be true that it takes money to make money however money is not recycled so you should use any land you obtain to plant trees because it takes trees to make money.

You are weird if you celebrate the 4th of July.. on January 6th, with waterworks, & a kosher meal.

October 5
I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference between right & wrong.

Having a guard dog can protect you.. from getting too much sleep.

Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.

One who seeks advice is not wise because you need to subtract vice not add to it.

The reason why women always go to the bathroom together is because the door reads "Women" and they don't realize that it is possible to go in one at a time.

You are weird if you stop at red stop lights.. only because you think they are death rays put there by the oil companies to get you to burn more fuel.

October 6
If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.
Don't make soup without an acorn.

Making music is like making a sandwich. They both sound good.

Sweeping broken things creatively can actually cause those things to break dance.

You are weird if you won't take no for an answer.. because you always take it for a question despite the inflection.

October 7
As time passes so shall men.

There is no wonder as to why so many people turn to crime, it is the only way some of them can be wanted.
If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you should get a Savage Beating.

Some animals have hands yet they don't wear hand me downs because they wear fur because for them fur isn't murder, fur is life.

You don't have to walk sideways on a sidewalk.

You are weird if you've ever seen a horse.. give you a manicure.

October 8
Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.

Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.

A candle may not be a game but it, like most light matter, can be used in a game of catch.

You are weird if you've invented the trinocular just in case people evolve a 3rd eye in your life time.

October 9
If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new calendar.

If you can fit in a tank it probably isn't a gas tank.

You are weird if you like baking soda.

October 10
Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.

If you forget the name of your shoe you are too prideful with your head in the air & all.

If you forget the name of your horse it runs, possibly away, but horses will run anyway, as in any direction AND regardless of you forgetting WHO they are.

You are weird if you like to go out dancing.. into traffic.

October 11
If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.

Being late multiple times equals getting fired. And standing next to fire makes you sweat just like being broke & jobless (in the summer time).

Spending large amounts of time driving could mean you are a retired golfer or a retired golfer's caddy.

You are weird if you borrow your neighbor's rake every fall.. so you can regift it to him the following Christmas.

October 12
Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.
If you can't have fun you got to make it.

Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style, technology, & today's date to be the same for years & years to come.

You are weird if your shirt has two sleeves.. of hard taco shells.

October 13
If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane.

The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.

People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with.

You are weird if you buy tv dinners.

October 14
Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights.
They know it's a watermelon.
If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.

People think that when you hear thunder lightning is near but thunder comes after lightning. So when you hear thunder that means lightning was near.

You are weird if you boil your coffee.. with your mouth!

October 15
You know why aliens aren't around anymore?
Because, they used tortoises as laborers & when we found out we laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.

The reason old people play golf is because they can use the club as a cane and not look like they're using a cane.

You are weird if you add cheese to everything. EVERYTHING including:  shoes, wigs, belts, petrol, earrings, goat cheese, eyebrows, letters, e-mails, harpsichords, tickets, sounds, light rays, hopscotch boundaries, felt, & a variety of lenses.

October 16
Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get the bag wet.

Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.

If you give yourself advice you must not know what you're talking about to begin with because you need advice.

You are weird if you write just a few texts a day.. using only SpagettiOs!

October 17
When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head in to learn again.

Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.

You are weird if you paint your nails.

October 18
Tired of wearing the same old clothes?
Well you ain't getting any money from me!

A loser is nothing more than a quitter who finished, just like a winner is nothing more than a loser who won.

You are weird if you like to travel.. but only because you are looking for mother nature's baby.

October 19
If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself
"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"
If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain for having its cape & you'll get beat up.

Regardless of if the chicken or the egg came first it was tasty right from the start.

Chicken fries would be called "fried chicken" if the name had not already been taken. Unfortunately the name "French fries" was also taken.

Like is spelled like lick (using letters) so when someone likes something crappy it is like they are tasting it thus getting an acquired taste for crud. This is why baloney means guff.

You are weird if you rock the boat by stoning the bottom of glass boats.

October 20
Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any way.

People say "some things never change" but actually.. everything changes all the time because of time.

As dirt is bad for appearances so dirty words are bad for soundpearances.

A D fence isn't so smart.

You are weird if you use fencing to separate your yard from your neighbor's yard.

October 21
Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.

The best place to fall in love is in front of a laundromat.

Microphones are the worst things to get into arguments with, they somehow have the same ideas for the snappy remarks you come up with at the exact same time. Scary yet flattering.

People go out to lunch because they are into lunch.

You are weird if before eating a banana you peel it.. with a unicorn's secret horn.

October 22
Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.

When you reach retirement age remember..
Oh yeah people at retirement age can't remember anything, never mind.

The future is easy to catch but the present always escapes.

Remixes dare to grant the wish of, "I wish this repetitive pop song was even more repetitive."

You are weird if you can spell your own name.. with a foreign alphabet.
For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car' I think of October 22, 2001.

October 23
If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.
If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may lose, you won't feel stupid.

If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.

If you ever hear fresh squeezed orange juice being advertised don't believe it because juice can't be squeezed.

You are weird if you like sharing your feelings.. with boxes of nails.

October 24
If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get electricity.

Fewer people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.

The top hat had an unsuccessful sequel called the bottom hat. It was essentially portable chamber pot. Although it came in handy for many a dandy even the French found it too foul.

Off color remarks usually mean that the teacher’s regular pen has run out of ink.

You are weird if your hamster has a hamster wheel made out of your old hamsters.

October 25
When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"
Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off your porch.

No one ever makes fun of someone who wears a name tag.

Candy taste good going in but should only be eaten once.

One is a magic number because most magic wands are shaped like ones rather than other numbers. Eight used to be the magic number but magicians' children would race their toy cars on their parents' wands. So then they changed the magic number to three, which was some time in the 1970s. Three had children's cars running off the track which was funny for a while until the parents had to buy more toys. One then became the magic number & the wands were made to be rounded to make any & all cars fall off of them.

You are weird if you store your leftover foods in your refrigerator.. because you fear it will get revenge on you for eating them & not finishing the job.

October 26
Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.

When you are on the rim eat a tiger for 18 points.

Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative.

Umpires are like vampires but with less va va va & more u u u (pronounced as a grunted 'oo').

You are weird if you like dressing on your salad.

October 27
If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,
move them closer or use a phone.

Shallow people & ugly people can both enjoy Halloween together.

You are weird if you can count to 3.. without using your brain.
Fear the lion not the roar.

The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming.

October 28
Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.

Celebrating Halloween is like eating a hollow bean because Halloween is all about the surface. Except the internal digestion of candy which later becomes an external thing..

You are weird if your great great great grandparents are dead.. but you still receive their mail.

October 29
There are ghosts from coast to coast.
Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.

The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have multiple children you can dress them as one cart each.

You are weird if at night you lock your house.. in an electrified terrordome surrounded by exploding night waffles!

October 30
If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up, dress down.

Be cautious to not be too cautious.

Because people go around looking maimed already Halloween is the perfect night to give someone a savage beating & get away with it.

You are weird if you watch your tv.. torturing villagers in 1607 BC!

October 31
The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.
-A Message from Adults Everywhere

During the month of October cheap restaurant owners just stop cleaning their buildings in order to get the cob web/spider decoration for Halloween.

You are weird if you have 10 fingers.. that aren't yours.

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