Lessons December


January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

December
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31

December 1
⁰02
Looking for a December to remember? Try not to see anything suspicious or the government will erase your memory again.

⁰13
School life is like a sitcom. There are all sorts of background characters that never get any lines in your story & you don't get any in theirs.

⁰14
You are rich if you never wake up at the crack of dawn.. because you had the crack fixed.

⁰15
You are dumb if you spray tan exclusively with buttery garlic sauce.

⁰16
Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.

17
Don't play twister if your feet are colorblind.

December 2
⁰02
If you want to become physically fit you're reading the wrong guy's lesson.

⁰04
Never believe anyone who says "It's backwards day." unless they say it like this:
.yad sdrawkcab stI

⁰13
Old ladies lose weight so the gram was named after them. But for those future grammas the gram was named before them.

⁰14
You are rich if your toilet water is imported... from Mars!

⁰15
You are dumb if you think tickets to football games only cost 4 quarters.

⁰16
Don’t put a screen door on a submarine or a regular marine.

17
Don't you talk bad about foreigners! My great great grandparents were foreigners & yours probably were too!

December 3
⁰02
Be nice & brush your teeth, that way they won't chew you out.

⁰13
The past can be in front of you if you turn around & look back at it.

⁰14
You are rich if, when your teacher told you to put on your thinking cap you put on your headdress that connected you to the ancient Mayan hive mind.

⁰15
You are dumb if you keep a giant soup pot strapped to your back to intimidate vegetables.

⁰16
Don’t put your elbow in hot water. It won’t turn into macaroni.

17
Laying down on a bridge is less acceptable than laying down as a bridge.

December 4
⁰02
The ultimate wager in the game of poker is the wage of war.

⁰13
People who get down to the nitty gritty shouldn't eat bugs while there.

⁰14
You are rich if the ice you use in your beverages comes from the iceberg that wrecked the Titanic.

⁰15
You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.

⁰16
Don’t paint your trees orange, just wait til fall.

17
If the shoe fits, don't wear it unless it's yours or you're trying it on to buy it.

December 5
⁰13
If you can't figure out what the future holds try checking its pockets instead.
⁰02
Gardens that grow very little should be called midget gardens.

⁰14
You are rich if you bite the hand that feeds you because you are fed by an edible robotic hand.

⁰15
You are dumb if you've ever tried to wipe up a spill using a bone.

⁰16
Don’t try to wring out concrete after rain.

17
Don't jog your memory. Fun run your memory!

December 6
⁰02
One day bed time will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, bed time will become dead time.

⁰13
Instead of being open-minded or closed-minded I recommend being crack minded. Not too open & not too closed. You're confident enough to be content but uncertain enough to learn & not be a jerk.

⁰14
You are rich if the money you are saving for a rainy day is so you can build a giant retractable dome over your city to keep the rain from getting to you & to the crops of the poor.

⁰15
You are dumb if you buy six barrels of monkeys to have the funnest party ever.. & you let the monkeys out of the barrels.

⁰16
Don't choose the "career path" of mime narrator for the blind.

17
If you really shake a leg when told to shake a leg it'll slow you down.

December 7
⁰02
You don't need a pillow. Just put your head in a pillow case before you go to sleep. You'll never have to worry about waking up tired again (or at all..).

⁰04
Faking your own death can be difficult but of course so can living your life.

⁰13
Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.

⁰14
You are rich if you spill the beans.. by reversing the earth's gravity!

You are rich if your limo has an officially licensed full sized NASCAR racetrack with other golden limos on it racing each other.

⁰15
You are dumb if you're writing a musical about the joys of silence.

⁰⁰6
Don’t be Phobos phobic.

17
If you crawl everywhere you go you'll see more bugs because they'll confront you for your unflattering imbugation of them.

December 8
⁰02
Yams & clams have something in common. They rhyme, quite obvious right?

⁰13
People who sign autographs are redundant.

⁰14
You are rich if every cloud has a silver lining because you had some extra silver lying around.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think sleepwalking is when you put a leash & collar on a sleeping person & drag them around the neighborhood.

⁰16
Don’t use hot sauce to water your pepper garden, that’s cruel.

17
If you high five a Don't Walk sign you'll win a secret prize!

December 9
⁰04
Some things are best left unsaid. "Look out!" is not one of those things.
⁰02
Leaves are sleeves.. on branches.

⁰13
If you say "bingo" at just the right time you could kill all of mankind. Of course this is a very particular time when the world is running out of air & everyone has to stop talking.

⁰14
You are rich if you take a back seat to no one.. because your cars cover both lanes by having 7 front seats.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think escalators are stairs that got scared of people stepping on them so they tried to run away.

⁰16
Don’t buy used saran wrap.

17
Don't get into a wreck unless you're saving someone or something.

December 10
⁰02
People who are young don't like homework but older people want to work at home.

⁰13
While most small things are obviously small, little whiles are only known to be small after you've encountered them.

⁰14
You are rich if you are a son of a gun, a cloning gun.

⁰15
You are dumb if you cut off your hand so you could get five finger discounts.

⁰16
Don’t milk your chickens until after the magical fairy turns them into cows.

17
If you run the gauntlet you're wearing it on the wrong appendage.

December 11
⁰02
Just because your shirt has stitches doesn't mean you should get revenge on people that wear strawberries with sequins as necklaces.

⁰13
While most people think surgeons do pretty good, the reality is that they do ugly good because guts are ugly.

⁰14
You are rich if you visit your doctor everyday just so you can huck an apple at him.

⁰15
You are dumb if when you can't get a song out of your head you reach for a drill.

⁰16
Don't refill your squirt pistol at a bank's water fountain.

17
May we not wash our Bastilles in the same sink that we test our mini-catapults.

December 12
⁰01
If you're ever walking down the hallway & you start flying you're not walking anymore.... You're running.

⁰02
When someone says to you 'I never want to see U again' they'll have trouble reading.

⁰13
When you run your own business you are the slave owner & the slave at the same time.

⁰14
You are rich if the salmon you buy swims upstream.. in the salmon olympics!

⁰15
You are dumb if you think you have to get a liquor license before you can drink.

⁰16
Don’t sleep with your hair in a blender because people prefer to make shakes in the morning & you might have to wake up earlier.

17
People who tell you to "get a clue" don't expect much.

December 13
⁰02
Get an old man who used to play a sport to play it again.
If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to the government for they do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)

⁰13
A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.

⁰14
You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions just in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.

⁰15
You are dumb if you train crickets to play cricket when you should have been training them for the Olympic long jump.

⁰16
Don't go out skipping stones on water.. that's in a glass.

17
Learning is for the birds, if you don't know what I'm talking about go ask a bird.

December 14
⁰02
When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something crazy!

⁰04
There's no riddance like good riddance.

⁰13
People that hit the bottle really are drunks. I mean I understand crushing a can on your head but this.. wow.

⁰14
You are rich if you buy everything hook line and sinker because you only shop from mermaids.

⁰15
You are dumb if you put hot sauce in the freezer to cool it off but smart if you put hot sauce in the freezer to create hot ice.

⁰16
Don't be as quick & clean & efficient as an underwater catapult catapulting loose mayonnaise.

17
It's worse to kiss & ask than it is to kiss and tell. "Who did I just kiss?"

December 15
⁰02
If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.

⁰06
Pirates were rich criminals with big boats and their favorite song to sing was "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum"
The Origin of Rap Music

⁰13
They were going to call the telephone the silentephone & by "they" I mean spiders wearing jeans next to caulking because the colors go well together.

⁰14
You are rich if your clone calls in sick.

You are rich if when you say you're going to "surf the web" you mean the web created by your mutant silk-ice spider.

⁰15
You are dumb if you refuse to become a drummer out of fear of being caught by a snare drum.

⁰16
Don't use hamburger buns as spanx, people will think you don't digest gluten so well.

17
If you think, "Machines were born to serve man," you don't think robots reproduce do you? You must know that 1 cheese slice doesn't impregnate another cheese slice until they have enough cheese kids to fill the rest of the package.

December 16
⁰02
As bright as night I will never understand how board games entertain people

⁰04
When push comes to shove, pull ... out a baseball bat.

⁰13
Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you aren't really you either.

⁰14
You are rich if your alarm has all the latest bells and whistles.

⁰15
You are dumb if you decided to be a cactus hugger instead of a tree hugger.

⁰16
Don't dunk your dimples in dip because one for each cheek is a double dip.

17
People don't like scales because they weigh too much.

December 17
⁰12
Hunter orange is the best gang color because it'll keep you from getting shot.
⁰02
Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep.

People talk about coasting through life as if it is boring but roller coasters are fast & exciting.

If someone asks you, "What makes you tick?" say, "Swiss engineering."

The Olympics? That's the thing with the Physical Mathletes.

⁰14
You are rich if, because you were tired of people saying, "Rome was not built in a day" you paid to have Rome rebuilt in a day & it worked!

⁰15
You are dumb if you think robbing a bank is rubbing a bank using a guy named Rob.

⁰16
Don’t spike the football after a touchdown, spike a volleyball, it's way cooler. And people will be like, “Where was he hiding that volleyball?” Clue: Hide a pump in your pants over your shins, hide the deflated ball in your pants over your buttocks.

17
Don't settle for seeing something with your mind's eye. Your mind is rad, it can have as many eyes as a spider. See what things look like with 8 eyes!

December 18
⁰02
If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!

⁰04
Wondering what to get that special someone this Christmas? Yeah me too.

⁰2
To find out if someone is materialistic when you engage in conversation with them ask them, "Do you want to talk about matter or matters?"

You can tell jocks named sports because of the names of each sport. Baseball, basketball, football. No thought went into these names. They just pointed & said what they saw.

The cardinal Halloween candy giving mistake is when the kids say, "Thank you" & then you say "Anytime" and you have kids hounding you for candy everyday for the rest of your life!

Since Romney lost all oven mitts are to henceforth be called oven obamas.

⁰14
You are rich if you call it a day before the sun even comes up.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think bombs spell trouble.

⁰⁰6
Don’t keep your extra oars chained to the bottom of the ocean.

17
Sculpting a sphere is a pointless task.

December 19
⁰02
Yard work is hard work but not compared to rock smashing

⁰04
You don't have to take offense it's your choice.

⁰12
The difference between jello and jello mold is a few weeks.

Umlaut is a very good word for a sideways colon.

People talk about having fun but never say anything about how to go about getting fun, lousy elitists.

Being in a boat is not an excuse to chew the moon.

There are six key points to most keys.

When someone ends a sentence with "Don't you think?" say, "I do think, but not about that."

⁰14
You are rich if, as a child you heard someone say, "It's raining cats & dogs out there!" & you thought "that's a good idea" so you had your parents build you a cat/dog sprinkler system by putting a bowling alley on its side so the ball return would be the cat & dog return.

⁰15
You are dumb if you monitor your flatulence by keeping a live canary in your pants.

⁰16
Don't legally change your name to Collingston Fakesworth III. No one will believe you, not even me, and I gave you the idea for the name.

17
A meeting without eating is like a butt without seating. Sad.

December 20
⁰02
Actions speak louder than words.
Words speak louder than silence, although silence may have the most to say.
⁰12
A bar of soap really lets the suds fly.

⁰04
When one asks "Is the glass half empty, or half full?" Notify them that the cup does not remain at half point for long if it is ever even that precise.

⁰11
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. Unfortunately his brother Barry the black nosed reindeer didn't and one foggy Christmas Eve he was hit by a car.

⁰12
They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most girls they are imaginary friends.

Some detectives can "put a finger on it" but it just doesn't really help.

My cat Rambo sat on my pillow & I said, "Move Rambo, I need max head room." When you have a full house there is going to be growing pains but remember family matters.

You are a rebel if you turn up the treble instead of the bass.

The reason glass toilet seats are not popular is because people are afraid that they will cut your butt or strainus your anus.

Escaping from a prison is incredibly easy.. if you aren't a prisoner. Just run out of the front door & yell "I've escaped" & be ready to get put onto dozens of people's "to murder when I get out" list.

You spoil your milk every time you give it sugary cereal.

If you have trouble remembering things then don't try to memorize this lesson.

If you are a bird watcher, take my advice. It is easier to put the watch on their leg than on their wing.

School sucks & pre-school sucks but post-school is awesome.

⁰14
You are rich if you still write letters because you can pay to have them sent just as fast as a text.

You are rich if your money burns a hole in your pocket because you accidentally took your self-warming winter coins with you on a summer trip to the gumball machine.

⁰15
You are dumb if you risk your life renaming cheeses.

⁰16
Dream bigger, don't settle for a solid gold house, get a liquid gold house. It is way more expensive to obtain, maintain, contain, & all the other tains.

17
Don't be worried when someone says they're gonna have fun in the sun. They aren't talking about taking a kamikaze rocket into space. They mean fun right in the sunlight.

December 21
⁰02
If you're sad you should kick a can but not so hard that it kicks back.. & relaxes.

⁰04
The latest news is no longer informative.

⁰11
The one thing Santa Claus wants for Christmas is royalties for all the places his likeness has appeared.

⁰12
Some people get offended when you tell them "Merry Christmas" & that you are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" instead. But that is twice as offensive because it involves at least 2 holidays. One of which is probably Christmas anyway.

When someone says, "Don't ask me why" instead ask them "Z?"

The best way to handle hoarders is to deport them to a 3rd world country. They still get to live in filth but they won't have any money to hoard anything.

You can tell whoever first said, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is a pessimist because he points out a negative thing you can't change. The quote should just be, "You can lead a horse to water!" Now that's positive! There is a plethora of animals you can't lead to water.

There are two kinds of toast but sorry, you won't find either on Neptune.

Generals are in charge because they have general knowledge.

Floors happen when you are standing.

"You can run but you can't hide" is not a real rule in hide & go seek. You're welcome.

Everyone was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.

⁰14
You are rich if you live like there is no tomorrow because of your time machine never forcing you to experience tomorrow.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think it's perfect weather for a skeleton.

⁰16
Don’t bring snowballs to a fireball fight, in fact just stay away from fireball fights all together.

17
If you get caught streaking say, "I'm actually dressed up as a mouse because mice don't wear clothes."

December 22
⁰02
When you're lost at sea don't bother me as if you could ha ha!

⁰11
Perhaps the best thing to have encyclopedic knowledge of is an encyclopedia.

⁰14
You are rich if your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor because you use your experimental emevator for that.

⁰15
You are dumb if you carry your blanky with you while you fight fires.

⁰16
Don’t hug a car while it’s moving, unless what it's moving is your heart.

17
Don't imagine loudly, think whispers. Seriously think to yourself in whispers right now. C'mon lazy, just read the rest of this in a think whisper. It's vexingly cumbersome.

December 23
⁰02
If you wear a coat...whoops! that's all I wrote.

⁰04
When someone says "Stranger things have happened" respond "Yes because people use that phrase all the time."

⁰14
You are rich if when you start the day off on the wrong foot you have time rewound so you can restart the day on the right one but sometimes you forget why you rewound time so you have to rewind it again a few times before you get it right.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think the space key on your keyboard is some kind of awesome futuristic key that has something to do with outer space.

⁰16
Don’t buy a real snow man at a Christmas tree lot unless you live on the same street as the lot.

17
Question Marks & question Phillips too, they shouldn't get off the hook. Many societies have come to ruin by not questioning Phillips.

December 24
⁰02
Want to give someone a great present?
Give them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember,
A savage beating.

⁰04
Christmas is coming, oh yes it's near. Christmas is coming, a time for cheer. Christmas is coming, yes the day that is next. Christmas is coming, but Christmas Eve is the best.

Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.

⁰13
Musical Instruments in a Homeless Band:  Sacks of phones, acoustic tars, a P & an O (cut from a box label), a flewt (a dead bird that has done flewt), a corder (a cord instead of a recorder), a triangle (any triangle will do), a clearanet (a net you can see through the holes), an o-bow (a circle of hair bows), a pickle-o (a sliced pickle with a hole in it), a board (it has no keys because they are homeless).

⁰14
You are rich if you are heading for the poor house.. to knock it down.

⁰15
You are dumb if you're going to give someone an authentic puma claw backscratcher.

⁰16
Christmas Eve is like Halloween night for burglars, they get to go house to house & eat the cookies you leave for Christmas Jones.

17
Magician mimes never invite audience volunteers on stage because it's too easy to escape their invisible water tanks.

December 25
⁰02
Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ & also getting a sword and hunting mice. By a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice like you always wanted to."

⁰04
Christmas is the most joyous time of year but you can have Christmas everyday if you're not afraid of your peers.

⁰13
Christmas is celebrated in winter because if people's hearts were warmed with such holiday cheer during the more heated months hearts the world over would melt.

⁰14
You are rich if you know that breaking priceless ancient pottery for fun isn't all it's cracked up to be.

⁰15
You are dumb if you use loose cranberry sauce as a stocking stuffer.

⁰16
Don't decorate your bathroom rug with Christmas lights.

17
All that glitters is not gold, so stop investing in glitter!

December 26
⁰02
When Someone tells you to "break a leg" it doesn't have to be yours.

⁰04
All people with two eyes have double vision.

⁰14
You are rich if your house is made of ice but you live in the desert.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think not having a musical bone in your body means you have all your marrow.

⁰16
Don't throw out your Christmas trash, instead burn it & sell it on Ash Wednesday. Christmas ash is extra holy.

17
May we not get to the point where we feign interest in our own words just because someone else is interested in what we are saying.

December 27
⁰02
They should just make a faucet with a 3rd knob for warm.

⁰04
Looks can be deceiving but not as much as words.

⁰13
People shop until they drop because they are forced to buy things they break & are too embarrassed to continue shopping in the same store.

⁰14
You are rich when your idea of "pushing the envelope" is fighting a guy dressed as a giant envelope.

⁰15
You are dumb if you wear camouflage to assassinate trees.

⁰⁰6
Don’t choke a lemon or you’ll get citric acid in your eye.

17
Remember kids, "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link," so don't try to be a strong link, it won't matter. All of our efforts are worthless! Just give up & start weeping openly.

December 28
⁰02
Fight a tree. Bite your knee. Stung by a bee.
⁰04
When someone says "Are you there?" just disregard the T & everything will be just fine.

⁰13
Struggling farmers need only to put yield signs in front of their crops to be more successful.

⁰14
You are rich if the only time you have a bone to pick with someone is at the billionaires' dinosaur BBQ.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think pacifist means, "violent person" because it sounds like "pass a fist."

⁰16
Don’t recycle mouthwash in your commune.

17
Don't change your address until your address changes you.

December 29
⁰02
If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.
⁰04
What is left to the imagination can be worse than what isn't set forth.

⁰13
Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash & give it back to them.

⁰14
You are rich if you abandon ship just because the ship got wet.

You are rich if you shoot the messenger.. out of a canon so he can deliver the message faster.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.

⁰16
Cars, don't drink & drive. You should only drink gas while stationary.

17
Don't argue with endangered species because they can hit you but you can't hit them.

December 30
⁰02
Monday is a fun day.. to complain.

⁰04
Getting something stuck in your teeth is like getting a needle stuck in a leaf they both create a bad lesson.

⁰13
If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.

⁰14
You are rich if you own an indoor drug fog powered emotional roller coaster.

⁰15
You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have more fun as ghosts.

⁰16
Don't trust people who claim to be tolerant by saying, "I don't see color" because that means they only see in black & white.

17
If you bury your flowers after they die don't put flowers on their grave when you visit it. Not only is this insensitive but you'll have to come back the next day & bury those flowers as well & it'll start a chain that will result in the total utter extinction of flowerkind.

December 31
⁰02
If you are really poor & can't afford a calendar just use the same one &
be laughed at by all the people you know the whole year.

⁰04  Procrastinator's Edition:
The more you hesitate the longer others wait & from that they may become irate. Those people will then debate your personal weight & being unable to relate to your hesitate trait they will turn to hate but won't be able to find the words to conjugate or create so their hate will abate because they can't desecrate your hesitate trait.

⁰07
If you're broke & stupid, put glue in your wallet to fix your brokeness.

⁰14
Rich guys named Rich who embrace themselves for who they are are the richest people in the world.

⁰15
You are dumb if you think the present is an illusion fabricated by the past & paid for by the future.

⁰16
Don't crush a can on your head.. unless it's an aluminum can.

17
Do everything you can to avoid getting sent to the nut house. Squirrels be tearing that thing up.

January, February, March, April, MayJuneJuly, August, September, October, NovemberDecember

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December Lesson Mania II Book Rejects:
Gardens that grow very little should be called midget gardens.

Leaves are sleeves.. on branches.

Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep.

A bar of soap really lets the suds fly.

When someone says "Are you there?" just disregard the T & everything will be just fine.

What is left to the imagination can be worse than what isn't set forth.

Original Versions of Changed Lessons:
12/3
You are rich if, when your teacher told you to put on your thinking cap, you put on your headdress that connected you to the ancient Mayan hive mind.

12/6
One day bed time will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bed time will become dead time.

12/17
Hunter orange is the best gang color because it will keep you from getting shot.

The Olympics is the thing with the Physical Mathletes.

Don’t spike the football after a touchdown, spike a volleyball, it is way cooler. And people will be like, “Where was he hiding that volleyball?” Clue: Hide a pump in your pants over your shins, hide the deflated ball in your pants over your buttocks.

12/19
You don't have to take offense it is your choice.

12/21
Some people get offended when you tell them "Merry Christmas" & that you are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" instead. But that is twice as offensive because it involves at least 2 holidays. One of which may be Christmas anyway.

You are dumb if you think it is perfect weather for a skeleton.

12/24
Want to give your kids a great present? Give them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember, A savage beating.

Christmas is coming, oh yes it's near. Christmas is coming, a time for cheer. Christmas is coming, yes the day that is next. Christmas is coming, in Christ we can rest.

12/25
Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ not getting a sword and hunting mice. By a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice like you always wanted to."

Christmas is the most joyous time of year but you can have Christmas everyday if you are not afraid of your peers.