If you are thinking about becoming a cannibal listen to this first. Human beings are not made in factories & are not manufactured in flavors.
When attempting to accomplish a goal don't set it for a particular time. Then you'll have a good excuse for not doing it yet.
Remember a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar.
When properly observing a stop sign. You do not need a go sign to proceed (after the stop).
When playing a game of hide & go seek, no matter which position you are in, it is best to get up & walk away.
It has been said, "When all else fails try Jesus." But if he succeeds why not try Him first?
When someone tells you it's good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.
When seeing a plastic bag blow in the wind, don't go after it because it's usually blowing across the heavily trafficated road.
Trees grow faster when they're small.
Hiring a thug may help someone to get savagely beaten. Hiring a mug may help someone to drink something after they've eaten.
2/6/01 Flashback Edition
Food taste good, Results only occur when eaten.
If you think you're ever wearing red glasses & don't remember putting them on you might be bleeding through the eye.
Remember those cans in the garage aren't melted ice cream. No matter how many colors & wooden spoons there are.
2/9/01 This Lesson was based on a Comic
Microwaves are not robots, so they do not count as dependents on tax forms. Even if you do feed it everyday.
You can't peel a carrot with an ice cube.
2/13/01 Flashback Edition
They say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother. Although Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children.
Disease Jelly is not a good Valentine's Day gift.
You can run for position of Judge at any age.
When using an appliance sure the start button may seem like a good way to use it but what about the on button?
Eat bread it make glass shine.
2/20/01 Flashback Edition
It is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!
If someone asks a group of people "Is everything ok?", the person who is not ok probably can't answer due to not being ok.
If it is raining at night & you go out for a stroll in the sunshine, it won't work.
When going on a car trip the best way to ensure you get there is keep enough gas in it to not run out.
Just because you can work on the railroad doesn’t mean you can whistle.
2/27/01 Flashback Edition
Hoop does not mean pick.
When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."
Squirrels, no steam in the window.
Tasting cobble stones is not a good way to become popular among the fishes.
Constantly simulating Lawns does not make you Catastrosphere, because you are not Ultimate at doing it.
Asking someone to do something & them doing it is never sure. Getting someone to run when you poo something will get them out that door.
3/6/01 Flashback Edition
You can't put a porkupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice. -Ross Perot 1996
If you ever become a sailor & use a map remember the real land doesn’t have its name written on it.
If you say "hey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.
Keep in mind your shampoo is scented not flavored.
A writing utensil is not something you use to talk to your food with; when your parents tell you to be quiet at the dinner table.
3/20/01 Flashback Edition
Pie taste good and can be shared by all.
Getting lost in the woods at night can show you how much of a man you are. It can also show you how much of a man you aren't.
Not experiencing life full enough? Want to feel the happiness of a steady job & the thrill of quitting? Then get 2 identical jobs, just at different companies. Work at them for 5 years simultaneously. Quit one & you'll still have a steady job but also the thrill of quitting.
Handles are not considered a sand.
If a potato wedge had arms it would probably try to punch you a couple of times before you eat it, but you wouldn't care since it had no hands.
3/27/01 Flashback Edition
Slack Jawed Yokels' Huking can raise self-esteem in decent human beings.
If you are going to Alabama & don't have a sand box you may or may not be in trouble.
If driving & you take a wrong street the 2 best ways to get back are:
1. Drive recklessly across people's lawns.
2. Park in someone's garage & loiter soliciting as much as possible.
When in a race fall down & yell "Help!" to slow the others down.
Lesson Mania Week
If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the number for 911 you probably won't live through the night.
Even a simple container busts when poorly smashed.
Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as breathing (in outer space).
4/3/01 Flash Forward Edition: 2036 Piemerica
These new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.
Three Day Flashback Edition
The only way I know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.
Taking residence in a shoe improves can lake cord have seat blast crop ham yacht bone valid activity.
4/4/01 Catastrosphere's Lesson
If trying to train a German Shepherd it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.
Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however get you thrown into a mental ward.
Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.
A chemical reaction
if you are looking for answers first you need questions.
Cars cannot fly so stay away from that downed bridge.
Busy People have a problem with not being able to turn into sugar.
Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at night.
Paint does not wash windows well.
Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.
Giant rocks can't swim.
End of Mania Week
The only way to truly lie on a bridge is to get hit by a car. Then you are lying flat on the bridge.
Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you lose you won't feel as bad because you think you were already there.
A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to say go away.
Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.
If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic bag, with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.
The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash an orange.
Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This especially goes for factory workers.
An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one up if you're late.
Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to light up the night where a gas main ruptured.
The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.
Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does not have seed in it.
8/21/01 Special Lesson Preview
Why do people complain when something is on their head? If someone drops a hat from a 5 story building onto your head, you would just be like "hey a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on your head, you would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain" or knocked unconscious.
Of course you wouldn't understand because you're not as civilized as i am ... maaa hew hul huk.
If you can't have fun you got to make it.
For some reason every time I think of the words 'getting hit by a car' I think of October 22, 2001.
If you're ever playing a game play dumb that way, though you may lose, you won't feel stupid.
All Lessons 1998-2001 [because of flashback editions]