When the lessons are few & you don't know what to do, Drink a Book
& rhyme, rhyme, something, something.
When the wind blows:
We should stop making lessons that rhyme they are a waste of time &
make no sense like a jive talking mime.
Sand is an important part of life so important that 2 colours runs.
2/11/03Sticks & stones may break your bones but that doesn't mean your
bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!
People that sneeze a lot are just trying to get blessed without being
Beware! Homeless people may have houses because a house is not a home.
The best time to teach someone how to dance is when there is snow on
the ground that way they can see all the steps.
Life isn't about accomplishments. It's about eating things that
shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.
Want to become president of something but just can't be elected?
Well as long as you don't have original ideas you shouldn't have to.
If you ever buy brown shoes but the other shoes of the same type aren't
brown, there's a bum in the store.
If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't
argue for graffiti is always a possibility.
I got some confess'n this ain't no lesson.
When climbing a ladder here's a thing to remember.
Don't climb a ladder up a tree after someone says "timber!"
It is Sunday there is a thing you must learn.
Although it is called SUNday it does not mean things must burn.
When packing a Christmas box you must remember, do not give it away
until late December.
Being forced to compete in the Olympics can be stressful.
That is all.
If you're ever caught in a blizzard.. paleontologist aren't for
Let something drive you crazy.
It's better to be chauffeured than to drive yourself there.
The perfect time to run in slow-motion is when it's windy out, that way
it fells like you're really going fast.
When one thinks "I can't get any lower than this" better start digging.
It is said "shut your mouth & open your ears" yet during disasters
the opposite is done.
Don't share pants with your shirt.
If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.
If you are afraid of lasers you should be afraid of phasers also.
Making clothing out of cotton candy is not acceptable.
When crossing the road, stop & think long & hard about your
Lesson Mania Week
Instead of being interesting I'm just resting.
If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.
It's easy to be a pickpocket just choose.
Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.
The one thing the past has taught me is that time goes by.
The things I am reminded of the most are memories.
When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.
If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.
Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.
When planning for the future use a calendar.
When planning for the past.. don't plan for the past.
If your water cries throw it on the fire.
An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.
When face to face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.
Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire
& throwing it in your face.
If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.
When crashing a car on purpose remember you are crashing a car on
If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.
The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say "Don't
forget to give back my clock."
"Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts
& live there or sell them you real-estate agents you.
If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...
If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for
help or tell on you.
Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.
If you can't beat 'em join 'em.. unless they're beating you.
Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.
Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within.
If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff
your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats an envelope of
varnish & then tackle an infected tree.
You can't write with a chalkboard.
Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain
of your freedomalistic obligation.
When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.
Confiscating without cause is theft.
If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"
May is the most polite month.
The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that
they don't scream although you do.
Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.
If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.
The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.
The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better"
really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.'
Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.
Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.
If you want to sound smart don’t fart!
Don’t fart anyway.
Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr.
Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!
Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.
Magnets have peels in their circuits.
20 candy bars = bag of sugar
A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..
Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.
If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead
When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either
increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.
Move to a third world country before you die.
If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the
form of the back of a shovel).
Homeless people can be homely.
Table salt is best used when eating a table.
If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.
Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.
He may think you said a savage eating!
Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear
Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.
As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men
How to tell if a kid has talent:
If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did,
the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.
Coin collectors should be rich.
Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?
It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.
If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny
If you need money get rid of your toilet
& sell fertilizer.
End of Mania Week
If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!
of/for the Day Collection
Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.
If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!
When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the door bell next time.
5/24/03 Lesson Reprise
If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because
they love crap.
When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.
Keep your friends close & your enemies closer and no fat people
that doesn't mean eat them
The best way to be first in a line is to say "Everybody follow me."
If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them
"Lighten up it's the 90s"
Landmarks & landmines aren't the same YOU SHOULD visit landmines.
If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false
Never climb an incredibly small latter upside down.
Never staple limes in your cover chair.
Always be careful when shooting spitwads at a lion, you don't want it
to be not angry.
When buying an envelope use money a.k.a. $.
When reading a lesson you should learn.
If woman ever calls you a pig just say, "Would you like a side of bacon or some sausage?" in order to justify what she said.
Eating human brains is a delicious treat..
I mean cactuses are spikey.