While playing a musical instrument one can be quiet & loud at the same time.
Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.
2004 no more. 2005 still alive. Sorry zombies.
The more rules one has the more rules there are to break.
There is plenty of room on a spaceship.
Take time to rhyme, we did.
Anticipation runs high in the new year. That is why we waited until the seventh to do this lesson.
If you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you that person has a very piercing stare.
Birds can easily hear high pitched voices.
One who struggles with problems has a lot of trouble on one's hands.
The reason high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.
The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.
Even the laziest person can have a wild imagination.
Knowledge is power & too much power is dangerous but I'm sure none of the people who read this would have to worry about that.
The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.
There is nothing funnier than laughter.
You don't have to be on the lookout for strange signs because those are the most obvious.
Online comics always get a good response, lol.
Sometimes tomorrow makes today better.
Good news reverses the blues.
Kids draw pictures but the only thing grownups draw is lottery tickets.
Both fast & slow moving people may tell you to "hold on."
Read something twice so it will sound familiar.
You can make music without sound if you write it & no one plays it.
Due to the popularity of plastic surgery the term "picking your nose" takes on a whole new meaning.
Man can love gold & money it is true but those things will never love you.
Memory is important so.............
The sun is the solar system's space heater.
One day cell phones will get so small people will call them cell phones.
If you pay attention you may be in for more than you bargained for
The longer cops patrol the more petrol they use.
The newcomer is always undefeated.
Calm is always easy before the storm.
One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.
Lesson Mania Week
Day 1 -24 Lessons
The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.
People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.
Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.
Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.
You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.
When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.
Americans prefer to store fat in their spare tire rather than air.
One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cerealTM is running out of milk.
Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its description resembles that of The Hulk.
The highest that one can count is in an airplane.
Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.
Taking action is taking action.
If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.
Driveways are used for parking too.
If you act stupid that means you're really smart.
When it rains it pours but not rain.
Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at all.
You cannot plan to make mistakes.
People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.
Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie Horse because horses are brown sometimes.
To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.
Wealthy people usually have a wealth of arrogance.
An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog on a hog eating a hog.
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.
Day 2 -24 Lessons
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.
People who are underweight are easily crushed.
The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.
It is called beauty sleep yet most people who claim it look terrible in the morning.
Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.
You gotta fight for your right to party but not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on time!
Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.
Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.
If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.
When life gets you down say "Thank you."
There is a surplus of idiocy in the world today yet idiocy is very costly.
Exit signs never leave.
So much in life is a mystery but mostly just history.
It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.
Being selfish isn't being like yourself but liking yourself too much.
Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.
You shouldn't worry that people who say to you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.
Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in your sleep.
It isn't wise to be stupid.
Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.
A good place to fast is to fast in your seatbelt.
A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.
Having a club foot & knowing a martial art would be a fun combination.
Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.
Left just isn't right.
Day 3 -24 Lessons
Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.
The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.
People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with
The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.
If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.
Small rocks are trustworthy.
A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.
If danger is your middle name your parents were quite fearless people.
'People who need people' are agents & lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?
Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.
People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.
The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.
A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.
Being safe doesn't involve bees.
Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"
Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.
You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.
Fans catch baseball games, the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.
Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they kinda look like shooting stars too.
Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.
Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.
You can change the world if you use a shovel.
People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.
Right angles like to gloat.
Day 4 -23 Lessons
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.
A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.
Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.
Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it by choice.
Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.
Drifters don't walk with a purpose.
Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.
Feather dusters are used to dust feather dusters.
It is good to lend a helping hand, as long as it hasn't been severed, unless of course someone needs a new hand.
When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.
Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"
Having a pitiful life stinks.
Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.
Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.
Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.
Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.
The sun played a concert & it did a sun set.
I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.
Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.
People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going but they do know where they have been.
Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.
Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.
Day 5-24 Lessons
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.
Love can be fleeting but so can ships.
You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.
If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.
Lazy people try to jog their memories of things to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.
I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make sense.
Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.
Every time you turn the page know that in the time you spent on that you did age.
If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.
If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.
Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.
If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine because it is painfully cold there.
To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.
It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.
Cows never utter a word.
Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.
It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"
Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.
Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.
The reason math is important is because of the principle of divide & conquer.
Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.
People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.
Drinking from a straw always sucks.
You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.
Day 6 -23 Lessons
Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong name tag.
Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.
If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of life.
Many people can spell but few can dispel.
The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.
Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.
With so many lessons in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.
Spending time & spending money can occur at the same time.
People who drive recklessly seem to wreck the most.
Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.
"Free!" is always a good sign.
It is common practice for people to push themselves to further their career.
If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.
The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.
Scooters don't sound as though they would be fast vehicles.
Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.
Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.
It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.
Bicycles will let anyone ride them.
Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.
You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.
The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.
Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.
Day 7 -24 Lessons
Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.
The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.
People with determination need to make a choice.
No one has ever run out of time before.
The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.
Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.
Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.
Courts always buy sturdy tables.
The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.
You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.
People with time to spare rarely give it to others.
The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.
It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.
Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.
If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."
Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people do it!
The past creates the present.
It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.
Face the facts. Read a book.
You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range all you need is to be a fat young man.
Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.
Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
When you miss someone try again.
The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!
End of Mania Week
Life sure would suck if the wind didn't blow
If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.
Strictness creates restriction
Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoe
Depending on whether good or bad
People who live life in the fast lane travel in RVs.
Seeing is believing that you are not blind.
Cars are always exhausted when on the go
Hind sight is 20-20 if you like what you see.
The future always waits
If you don't apply what you learn then you really haven't learned anything.
Love in your tummy is like the least yummy place to have it.
Caring is like sharing except better because you don't have to share.
Baking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.
The only time the future changes is when it becomes the present.
The perfect excuse for a kid to disobey his parents would be to say "I thought you were using reverse psychology & that you wanted me to do it."
The reverse of thirst is when you've drank so much you could burst.
Having no choice is like having every choice but unpickable.
If someone wants to be a grave-digger as an adult & is asked "Where will you be in 10 years?" the person can legally say "In a grave" without sounding depressing.
Do what you have to do when you want to do it unless there is a time you have to do it.
When people usually lose their eyesight they lose the sight part & not the eyes.
The past is our stepping stone to new & wonderful futures.
If you lose weight being a loser is good.
Each day changes things or makes them more the same.
You cannot sell a home. Homes are emotional attachments defined by emotions & experiences.
The hardest thing about being young is getting old.
The idea of asking someone to guess "What?" is because "What?" is a question & them saying that gets you the ability to ask them what they want.
Outer space is no reason for haste.
The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.
The number one excuse to cheat at video games: "I prefer the experience of the game to the challenge."
A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.
There is one good kind of heart attack and that is when your heart is attacked by love.
If you haven't learned your lesson yet then you shouldn't be teaching it.
Always pre-pair your socks.
Always be pre-paired that way you'll never be lonely.
It is hard to earn an honest buck because most US currency is filled with lies about eyes & various colored dyes.
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones which used to be old people's houses.
The great thing about rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.
Dollar signs & dollars pretty much look the same except for scale.
From a helicopter you can see the world. From a plane you can see the sky. From space you can see space. But you can never truly see our eyes.
Chili is one food which contradicts itself because it is hot but it sounds cold.
Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.
The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!
Everyone starts out small.
It isn't always easy to ease drop.
Question questions & you'll always have something to do.
Dinnertime is never getting thinner time.
You can't tell unless you hear first.
The only change you have to make to change is to want to change.
It is more fun to write when one is sad because when one is happy fun isn't as fun.
It is hard to make friends with ice because it is so cold.
Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.
Dreams come true until you fall asleep & dream anew.
Having ideas is a good idea.
Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.
Even evening is uneven depending upon your horizon.
Don't let your life slip away because that could cause death.
Imports are more important than deports.
One cannot catch a breeze.
People who agree to disagree don't really agree at all.
Politicians are rarely speechless.
When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.
It is easy to be romantic when you are in love. All you have to do is tell the truth.
Someone that is kind. Is a great find.
You know you have a wait problem when you are impatient.
In acting mistakes count twice.
Growing old is like growing anything else. It takes time.
Day is a lot like night. They both consist of time.
Love is like butter. It is better when spread.
New beginnings always come from old ends.
Putting something down is just like picking something up but in reverse.
People are such pessimists. Always looking down as they fall.
The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.
It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.
The great thing about sound is that when you hear it you know you aren't deaf.
Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.
Closing your eyes at night is somewhat pointless because it's already dark.
Only stop when you are at the end and when you are at the end look for a new beginning.
The opposite of a nice guy is an ice guy because he is so cold.
If you didn't miss something to begin with you wouldn't have to make things up such as excuses.
All Lessons 2005 (except some Flashback Editions)