Lessons 2007
Lessons
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Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day Collection
February, May, June, July, August, September, October, December

February
2/11/07 Flash Back Edition:
You are what you eat which is why people who eat too much are called pigs and cows.
People who eat chicken are scared to eat unhealthy.

2/12/07
For a loner every bye is a good bye

2/13/07
There is no such thing as nothing.

2/14/07
Jesus is the Rock So Rock Music is good

2/15/07
Electricity is good at meditating because it has so many ohms.

2/16/07
The only thing most rappers have murdered is the English language.

2/17/07
A stupid cook makes Duh-licious food.

2/18/07
Don't regret, regress.

2/19/07
The size of your waist line indicates how much waste you intake.

2/20/07
At the buffet it is survival of the fittest. The fat people who eat too much die young and the fit people survive.

2/21/07
You can always afford to pay attention.

2/22/07
The first Chinese caveman was named Ug Lee.

May
Lesson Mania Week
5/14/07
Day 1 -10 Lessons
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.

Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag. However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.

Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.

Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.

Boys will be boys.. until they group up.

Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.

Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.

Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat after about 15 minutes.

Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.

Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off confusion.

5/15/07
Day 2 -9 Lessons
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.

Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.

If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it sad and then it will rain.

Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.

If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in the reply, say "Because I don't know."

Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.

To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has bark.

If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If you're red you're corn-fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you laughed at this list you're a racist.

Physical fights always have sore losers.

5/16/07
Day 3 -12 Lessons
It is better to be insane than incrazy.

Never underestimate the number nine.

Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug into learning.

Dotted I's are I lids.

Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.

Think before you act or you'll act dumb.

Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.

If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.

There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really distracts from the show.

If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for you yet.

If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you shouldn't have tried this at all.

Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say that it's a new style of tattoo.

5/17/07
Day 4 -11 Lessons
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.

If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.

In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten your own hand.

It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.

If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.

It is not OK 2 OD.

If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you actually wanted.

When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square. Well.. not square.

People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.

Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have caused it. Eat pie instead.

Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.

5/18/07
Day 5 -8 Lessons
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it in their back.

People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties, and hundreds.

Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term miscommunication was created.

Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.

All reptiles are cold hearted.

Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."

Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're alone.

Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.

5/19/07
Day 6 -8 Lessons
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.

Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.

Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work late.

Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their home planet.

A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.

You can't take public transportation to a private event.

If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle 'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap. Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so could you help me out?" Slap!

The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.

End of Mania Week

5/27/07
Basic Atheist/Christian Debate
Atheist: "I know more than you."
Christian: "I know someone you don't know."

June
6/1/07
All you need to do to be ahead of the curve is to see the signs.

July
7/5/07
A vehicle without a garage is homeless.

Don't dwell just deal.

If you drink the wrong thing down you could be put in the ground.

With the invention of basketball a white man gave back to black men over time billions of dollars and billions of hours of fun. Seems like the white man has paid in full.

Groceries make you grow.

7/19/07
Old is sometimes the equivalent to cheap.

Innovation is beyond imagination.

August
8/15/07
The word nothing always refers to something.

Faces aren't invisible at night it's just dark

Reality is repetitive.

People watching from the second floor are called ceiling fans.

The reason cheap shoes are called 'buddies' is because all of your so called buddies make fun of you for wearing them making the buddy shoes are your only true friends.

Flashback Edition (1641):
Don't fall, take a trip it is better

8/20/07
If you get too tired you will get fired.

Diagonal across the street walkers are the ones who became outline chalkers.
The ones that walk and turn right-angle straight are the ones to appreciate.

8/24/07
An old wives' tale is gossip that hasn't stopped circulating.

September
9/27/07
The handicap get all the breaks in life.

The shortest distance between two points is a line unless the distance is that of time and the line has a wait.

Second place is the first place loser.

It's not fair unless you share.

When someone says "I'm starting to get sick" they are either coming down with something or coming up with something.

October
10/14/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
People think that when you hear thunder lightning is near but thunder comes after lightning. So when you hear thunder that means lightning was near.

10/15/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
The reason old people play golf is because they can use the club as a cane and not look like they're using a cane.

10/16/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
If you give yourself advice you must not know what you're talking about to begin with because you need advice.

10/17/07 Flashback Edition (1/23/05)
Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.

10/20/07
People say "some things never change" but actually.. everything changes all the time because of time.

10/21/07
Microphones are the worst things to get into arguments with, they somehow have the same ideas for the snappy remarks you come up with at the exact same time. Scary yet flattering.

10/22/07
The future is easy to catch but the present always escapes.

10/26/07
Most creativity is not creative but rather substantially derivative.

10/27/07
The way we are becoming could not be any more unbecoming.

10/30/07 Flashback Edition (
5/15/05)
Be cautious to not be too cautious.

December
12/31/07 Flashback Edition (4/17/04)
If you're broke & stupid, put glue in your wallet to fix your brokeness.



Top 5 Lessons of 2007
5. An old wives' tale is gossip that hasn't stopped circulating.
4. For a loner every bye is a good bye
3. It is better to be insane than incrazy.
2. The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
1. Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.


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All Lessons 2007 (except some Flashback Editions)
Piemerica