Lessons 2013


Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day Collection
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December

January
1/3/13
No one will ever see you coming if you are always stationary.

1/4/13
Of course history is written by the victors. Why would the losers want to keep records of their loss?

1/6/13
It would be a real surprise if someone literally "threw a surprise party" from like a giant catapult or something.

1/7/13
Everyone is a natural, except androids.

1/8/13
The Future is Now! except.. no it's not. Now was the future but now now is now.

1/9/13
If you add a lock to anything it is safer. So if you have to lock a safe it was not very safe to begin with.

1/10/13
Spotting the differences could save your life!
If you ever get into a car wreck..
If you ever get into a car, wreck.

1/11/13
When arriving at a planned destination people say, "Well, this is the place." When arriving at an unplanned destination when lost you can say, "Well, this is a place."

1/12/13
When someone says they've told you something "over & over again" tell them, "That is impossible. You can't tell me something over again because that would mean it wasn't over in the first place."

1/13/13
It is good to get your priorities out of whack.

1/14/13
It is strange that being pressed is hard but being depressed is harder. Even stranger is the fact that the press depresses people.

1/22/13
If someone tells you, "I love you more than words can express" they're lying to you because they just used words to tell you. If someone really loved you like that they'd just say, "I love you more than......"

1/23/13
You can't be married to your work unless your boss is a minister & even then it is only legal in 6 states & D.C.

1/24/13
How to make people into hypocrites:
Complain so much that people will begin to complain about your constant complaining.

1/25/13
"I" "can" "put" "any" "preexisting" "word" "in" "quotes" "and" "be" "quoting" "the" "dictionary" "out" "of" "order."

1/26/13
If men are from Mars & women are from Venus none of us are Native Earthicans.

1/27/13
An excon is the 3rd worst kind of con.

1/28/13
The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.

1/29/13
You can always have a white Christmas if there are white clouds in the sky.

1/30/13
Everyone is a child of the 60s because minutes are 60 seconds & hours are 60 minutes.

1/31/13
Corn Flakes® do not look like corn flakes. I know I've shucked corn.

February
2/1/13
In Dnalsdrawkcab Three Strikes Laws are based on bowling instead of baseball so criminals are rewarded for committing crimes 3 times.

2/2/13
Never start a bet saying, "I bet you can't guess.." because anyone can guess. Instead say, "I bet you can't guess right.."

2/3/13
One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."

2/4/13
If you're really in love with someone you won't just have butterflies in your stomach, you'll have caterpillars too because the lifespan of a butterfly is less than that of a human so for true love you'll constantly be producing new butterflies in your belly.

2/5/13
Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.

2/6/13
Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.

2/7/13
Whoever came up with the Hebrew alphabet called off all bets but one.

2/8/13
Everyone is as old as Methuselah just not as old as he was when he died.

2/10/13
If you are going to try to write with chalk underwater it will be easier if it is not running water.

2/14/13
"Back to basics" could mean a return to basics or a departure from basics.

2/18/13
Those with the gift of gab also have the apprehension of abbreviated alliteration.

2/21/13
Only the most confident salesmen knock on Death's door.

2/22/13
When the ball is in your court but you're a judge, it's time to call the bailiff.

2/24/13
News stations are both great & terrible at cutting to the chase.

2/26/13
Your days are numbered buddy! But of course they are because everyone else's are too. Ain't you ever seen a calendar pal?

March
3/1/13
If you double dot your i's your one i will have two eyes. If you double cross your t's they won't be happy.

3/3/13
If your mind is drawing a blank you have amazing powers!

3/4/13
It is good to have a Chip on your shoulder if you have a Dale on the other one.

3/5/13
It is strange that people in SoCal are more concerned about their diet than people in NoCal.

3/6/13
Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.

3/9/13
The grass is always greener on the other side, except during winter, then the grass is always snowier.

3/10/13
A trainee cook is the one person who is ok with hearing "fork over the dough" while at work.

3/13/13
A bucket ain't water but it draws water well. Chalk ain't milk but it draws milk well.

3/15/13
The way to win at rock paper scissors hand over fist is to put hand over fist when someone throws rock.

3/16/13
The Atkins Diet really goes against the grain.

3/18/13
Never let your toddlers wear long sleeves at breakfast or else they will end up with a few Trix up their sleeve.

3/19/13
He who laughs last laughs best.. unless he's part of a studio audience. In that case he's getting kicked out of the taping.

3/20/13
If you're looking to relax after lunch don't use a toothpick because toothpicks are often in a pickle.

3/21/13
Touring bands rock before they roll.

3/22/13
Early executioners tried hanging by a thread but instead of leaving the criminals hanging by a tread to life the executioners found their jobs hanging by a thread as they scrambled for a thread of hope in the newly contrived item they called the rope.

3/23/13
A gingerbread house is a home sweet home.

3/24/13
Fair & square is not fair for circles.

3/25/13
When regular guns run out of ammo you have to put bullets in them. When phasers run out of ammo you have to jump the gun.

3/26/13
Everybody wins in online arguments because no one ever goes away thinking they were wrong.

3/27/13
Mr. Bucket was "buckets of fun" but he could only be 1 bucket of fun at a time.

3/28/13
If you're looking for a way to break the ice with your date stir her drink with a knife rather than a spoon.

3/29/13
When your back is to the wall at least you have some back support. I'd rather have my back up against the wall than fall over a balcony or something.

3/31/13
Sometimes you've gotta walk away from a fight to live to fight another day so you can die on that day instead.

April
4/1/13
Written by an Elephant Edition:
"An elephant never... uh.. how does that saying go again?"
Well I guess elephants do forget. However, amazingly they can type with those big feet.

4/2/13
Circles always make ends meet, so much so that you couldn't even tell that they once had ends.

4/4/13
The moon orbits the earth, by & large.

4/5/13
It's easier to turn over a new leaf than it is to leave no stone left unturned.

4/6/13
Clown is the perfect occupation for cross dressers.

Tall walls fall and make you drop your jaw when it's on y'all.

Summer salt & seasoning salt is the same thing.

4/7/13
Thick fog can lead to thick log.

4/8/13
A drug addict’s favorite time of day is high noon.

More school kids use high lighters than it may seem by looking at their notes.

4/9/13
If you have a yellow belly that means you eat too much butter.

Pharmacist will prescribe you medicine because farms didn't insist you eat vegetables.

Money can be expensive so that is why it is important to save.

4/10/13
Take pictures of gum it'll last longer.

4/11/13
Even though they are called 'waiters' we are the ones waiting.

4/16/13
At revivals Methodists use the sprinkler system to accept people in the church.

4/18/13
If you're out of shape go back inside.

4/19/13
Not even sunglasses could make the sun look cool.

4/20/13
If you ever think to yourself "It is hot as Hell in here" you probably died.

4/21/13
Offering people coins is a good way to get them to change.

4/22/13
Kitty cats' favorite types of instruments are stringed.

4/23/13
The cheese stands alone because it cuts itself.

4/24/13
The sky is blue all day and wears black at night it must be depressed, possibly because it looks beat up.

4/25/13
When the mob throws someone in the river there is plenty of concrete evidence.

Chicken pox is still better for you than chicken nuggets.

4/26/13
The early bird gets the worm. This principle is also why your dogs & cats should sleep in.

Big business leads to big consumers.

4/29/13
The grass is always greener when you sneeze.

Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots inspired Tom Cruise’s role in Risky Business

May
5/4/13
Unlocked safes aren’t safe anymore.

Full is as full as full is.

Stop signs are written in manuscript, quite deceiving.

5/5/13
Having a celebrity's signature as a tattoo is just like having life insurance.

There's no tell'n what happened because there's no ask'n.

5/7/13
Every boat needs a row bot.

Water is better than fodder.

5/9/13
Being a medical patient makes you patient.

5/10/13
A brainstorm can be more dangerous than a hailstorm.

5/11/13
Many fathers are bums because when in the car with their kids they are always looking for a hand out.

5/12/13
The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n

5/13/13
Cerebral Pawsy is the name of the disease where a dog has a foot stuck in its head.

5/22/13
The best vehicle to get in a wreck with is an ambulance.

5/23/13
The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.

5/24/13
Poor attributes need enrichment.

5/25/13
Soldiers fill in the blanks with b_ullets.

5/26/13
People who repeat themselves are always repeating themselves.

5/27/13
You can't put a price on happiness except with a Happy Meal.
You can't put a price on love except with roses & a card.
You can't put a price on family unless it is bail. Big business leads to big consumers.

5/28/13
Hole punchers are useless.

5/29/13
With balloons once you pop the fun does stop.

5/30/13
People who do security at shoe factories have to pay very close attention due to all of the sneakers.

5/31/13
Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"

June
6/1/13
Fraternities have punch lines without the jokes while hazing.

6/2/13
The underground music scene tends to be darker.

6/3/13
Lurch went to church because it rang.

6/4/13
Teasing hair can be a good thing or a bad thing.

6/5/13
Open minded people need surgery.

6/6/13
It is no justice when your to-go drink is just ice.

You can have your appetite curbed by a diet pill and still be curved afterwards.

6/7/13
The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.

6/8/13
When we start living under the sea high-pressure salesman will be even worse.

6/9/13
A cuckoo clock is when someone is hit on the head & it makes him or her crazy.

People who are double crossed the right way become stars.

6/10/13
It's easy to catch a train because it leaves tracks everywhere it goes.

6/11/13
Fireworks don't always work but fire works every time.

6/12/13
Business damages caused during a bar fight can be repaired with scotch tape.

6/13/13
Dogs & cats didn't used to be enemies until they started watching cartoons.

6/14/13
Kangaroos are the best at growing leaps & bounds.

6/15/13
If you ever lose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.

6/16/13
Single people, live everyday as though it were the last day of your life. Even better married guys, live everyday as though it were the first day of your wife.

6/17/13
When someone wins millions of dollars there are many screams & hollas.

6/18/13
Chinese shoes made of leather are called mooshoes.

A sun set is a beautiful thing too bad you humans will never find that out. Ahahahahahar (Flies away in spaceship)

6/19/13
The reason why white supremacists are bald is because they don't even like black hair.

6/20/13
Money well spent is spent on time well spent with family and friends.

Failure is a fact of life. This is why so many people have differing opinions on what failure is.

6/21/13
Most people cannot keep a secret because they don't know where it is.

6/22/13
It can be difficult to carry on the family business but to life guards I say dive right in!

6/23/13
Being tickled by a deadly weapon is a conflicting experience. It makes you laugh yet it also makes you fear for your life.

When you act perfect doing so proves that you are not. Big business leads to big consumers.

6/24/13
Award shows are famous for their thanksgiving speeches, which is why the losers don't get to make speeches.

6/25/13
If an elevator's weight limit is surpassed a new seemingly unlimited wait will ensue.

A penny saved is a penny earned but in the south a penny saved is a penny ironed.

Cashiers handle the most money but make the least.

6/26/13
Rock climbers usually get thrown off the stage.

Setting short-term goals for yourself can lead to a better life if you're on the right road.

6/27/13
Electricians shouldn't be shocked when they get electrocuted that way it won't hurt.

Due to the current state of American teenagers, when one of them is thinking, everyone thinks that something is wrong with them.

6/28/13
The Jolly Green Giant is jolly because he has never had to eat vegetables; he claims, "Eating vegetables would be like cannibalism to me".

Everyday is a new day. There are new things to learn and old things to burn.

6/29/13
Daydreaming can actually help you concentrate.. on what went horribly wrong.

Rock, Paper, Scissors isn't so good for settling disputes when you use the real rocks, cutting white paper, & extra sharp scissors.

6/30/13
People who get trapped in a maze never seem to say "I'm aMazed!" They should!

July
7/1/13
The reason we have index fingers is to help us remember to file our nails.

Hollywood's young starlets often suffer from StaRvation.

7/2/13
Reading and writing are the fundamentals of education but don't worry if you can't read or write itdle be aight just become a famous rapper.

I’d rather be friends with an odd number than an even number because even numbers always have to get revenge.

7/3/13
Posters are most often under a tack.

7/4/13
The smartest thing on earth is the temperature in summer. It has like over a 100 degrees.

7/5/13
If it walks like a fish & talks like a fish it doesn't exist.

7/6/13
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery & the second largest cause for assault & battery.

Don't try to give heart transplants to aquatic plant life because they show you no love.

7/7/13
The brief case says, "This won't take long."

Going out of the frying pan into the fire is actually better. The frying pan makes you suffer longer.

Summer isn't a bummer but kids do get dumber.

If the moon really were made of cheese its smell or lack thereof would certainly sway some people in the evolution vs. creation debate.

7/8/13
If you are bad at guessing things & answering questions draw a face on your fingernail so that way people will be forced to say you hit the nail on the head even when you are wrong.

The term "politically correct" is an oxymoron. Since when are politics & politicians correct?

7/9/13
In and out that is what it is all about, digestion.

For some getting approved for a credit card is equivalent to being sentenced in court to pay a fine monthly.

7/10/13
Going to school can make your dreams come true. Particularly the dream about going to school in your underwear.

7/12/13 Flashback Edition:
The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones where the broke owners sleep in the back.

7/17/13
Animals that are eaten alive see pearly gates the soonest.

7/19/13
When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.

7/20/13
Mumbo jumbo gumbo is Cajun alphabet soup.

Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.

7/21/13
The reason people are buried six feet under is so that no one can hold a candle to them.

7/22/13
Puppets always speak off the cuff.

7/23/13
Sure being on cloud nine sounds great but from all the talk of it the cloud is probably so crowded no one there is actually happy.

7/24/13
Chefs who are in a rush to have things minced don't mince words.

It is better to call fall autumn so it won't hurt as much.

7/25/13
Mothers should be the ones who get presents on their children's birthdays.

7/26/13
Money is the root of all evil and pirates buried their treasure which means pirates are far more evil than we ever imagined.

7/27/13
When a shoe salesman tells you to "put a sock in it" they aren't telling you to shut up. So you can put down that gas can & match now.

People never pay attention to their windows, they always look right through them instead.

7/29/13
People tell you to pull your own weight because if you push your own weight you'll always be falling over.

7/31/13
A currently unspecified percent of trashcans don't have lids because I'm too lazy to do the research.

August
8/2/13
Census workers are out for the count & so are Dracula's minions. Let's hope they aren't one & the same.

8/3/13
If you replace your desk chair with a pilates ball your boss will be forced to compliment you by saying that you are always on the ball.

Your number's up when the number held up by your judges goes down.

Lesson Mania Week 2013
8/4/13
Day 1- 3 Lessons
If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to beat.

Some people are faster than others. For example, someone read this lesson faster than you.

Every story is a true story, an authentic story.

8/5/13
Day 2- 4 Lessons
When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.

People who take pictures are strange thieves & are probably stalkers.

When your favorite thing is leaving places half of your life sucks because there is no way around having to go to places in order to leave them.

If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.

8/6/13
Day 3- 4 Lessons
Masking a mask is also called stacking.

The Big Gov aimed for one day where people wouldn't say "one day" but the only name for the holiday they could come up with was "One Day" so the idea was scrapped.

Only something that lacks the palpability of the 5 senses could LITERALLY make NO sense to us.

When someone exaggerates saying something like, "It was literally 200 degrees out there." Say, "Oh I bet.. against it."

8/7/13
Day 4- 6 Lessons
If someone is copying your style don't worry, even if they use a color copier their paper clothes will look stupid. Of course this still wouldn't stop them from becoming the hit of the high fashion world.

People are too scared to walk on the hot sun. I don't blame them, I blame the sun.

If you're stupid forget about success & just get something shiny.

Even the worst jokes are funny if someone laughs at how much of a loser you are for making bad jokes. Trust me :'(

There are a lot of things that suck but nothing sucks more than Vacubat the Cyborg Vampire.

Everyone who has seen a cow has seen a cow with 3 legs.

8/8/13
Day 5- 4 Lessons
The technical term for food is unnessecarous technicalnamous.

Sports are nerdy things for jocks. Knowing sports stats is like knowing wizard & orb names from some nerd book. Jocks are the ultimate nerds. At least the real nerds aren't memorizing annual numbers.

Some people's eyes bug out when they see bugs.

Free Willy ultimately drowned because he was SO free he decided to breathe air while still living underwater. This is why they are called killer whales. If you gave them magical freedom (or tons of cash like Willy) they'd be so stupid they'd kill themselves.

8/9/13
Day 6- 7 Lessons
The golden pirate has a treasure chest.

The reason high schools lack car racing classes is because doing laps couldn't be considered punishment.

Things that make you blue are often out of the blue.

You can't start a camp fire by rubbing two marshmallows together but if you can figure out how to rub them apart on each other the sun will unexplode & turn into Italian Ice.

Hard to find cuisine:  A vampire cooked super rare.

One of the best thing about elevators is that if you let people off in front of you they will say "Thank you." This is great because people thank you for standing still.

When someone tells you to "get outta town" tell them, "I'm tired of wandering this harsh & foreboding earth. I try to be a nice guy & do what my friends say but all of my so called friends always end up telling me to get out of town. Well I'm finished listening to you people! YOU get out of town! YOU GET out of MY town!" then weep openly.

8/11/13
Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears that will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question down & if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing things.

8/12/13
A dingo is just a backwards bingo and a bingo is a forwards dingo. So this must mean that dingos spin around a lot.

People who write their fours rounded make a b line four.

Most people don't sit in the streets so it is quite easy to be an upstanding citizen.

There is a point in every person's life that gives them directions.

8/14/13
Tire irons do not promote tire traction.

8/16/13
Deaf people can hear at least one thing, silence.

Kids who spend a lot of time in a tree house are in the arms of that tree more than they are in the arms of their parents.

8/17/13
Bad builders use briquettes instead of bricks.

8/18/13
Saying goodnight is like saying goodbye. Yet saying Good day or good evening is like saying hello.

There are plenty of conflicting situations & decisions which come about in life. Such as which stove to buy or how many times to peel the same orange.

8/19/13
Blind & deaf cooks have the best taste.

8/20/13
Airplanes are like people because they enjoy taking off then landing.

Cannibals enjoy foods such as ear rings, eye balls, finger food, ham hock burgers, buns, ribs, chopped liver, hand shakes, & thumb tacs for freshening breath.

Thieves prey on the unsuspecting which is why thieves themselves never get robbed.

8/25/13
The reason old tymey kings had multiple wives is because it takes a lot of women to do castle work as opposed to housework.

8/27/13
The first time someone was called a pig for eating too much was at a BBQ.

I can show you a good time but you wouldn't be in it unless there are mirrors involved.

8/29/13
Winter could have been called fall because of all the slippery ice.

On certain occasions partners in crime have to part ways during a chase. The slower partner sometimes says "Make a run for it!" The faster, often dumber partner, confused runs for it but not knowing what it is. While traveling down the street in leg foot fashion he passes a sign then chooses to stop and take it along with him. Returning to the hidden layer with his partner arriving soon thereafter they begin to discuss the sign and the potentials it expounds regarding a run for public office. They decide doing so would be more profitable, stealing money wise, than robbing banks ever had been and thus another politician is born.

A prisoner is an inmate but a jailer is not.

8/30/13
Money can't buy love unless it is Valentine's Day apparently.

A burning toast can be disappointing especially from your friends.

8/31/13
Most of the things you can get for free come with no strings attached, especially free guitars.

Obese people can't afford to use cheap seats.

September
9/1/13
Flashback Edition:

Cheesecake is pie's undercover agent in the evil world of cake.

Take it from me, Emperor MAR, building an empire is tough. I know this because I still haven't.

9/2/13
There is nothing wrong with being perfect.

9/3/13
If you own a store don't just store things there. Let people utilize monetary transactions to obtain what you store.

A tidily wink is when you wink while crying.

9/4/13
One man's meat is another man's poison especially after digestion has completed its course.

10 out of 10 recommenders recommend recommending.

9/5/13
Some people have a taste for blood but I say let blood taste its own food!

9/6/13
Following by this example can annoy it. Be sure to follow at a safe distance behind the example.

9/7/13
You're better off tooting your own horn than someone else's.

Letters are free online. We can use as many ms as we want but I only want to use 1 m. Happy Birthday Melody Joy!

9/8/13
The only surefire way to get rid of nightmares is to sleep during the day. Anyone every heard of a daymare? Sure they have but at least it won't be dark when you wake up in terror.

9/9/13
Everyone has problems & telling people that is patronizing & unhelpful.

Advice is a difficult thing to give especially when you don't know anything.

9/10/13
A four seater made of four cedars would intimidate aliens.

9/11/13
You can hold off forever but can only hold on for so long.

9/17/13
Babysitting is the worst kind of sitting.

An eggplant is what happens when you bury an egg or place an egg in someone's pocket.

9/18/13
Funning is like running but with a different letter.

9/19/13
If someone tells you that they'll think about what you said for a bit, demand instead they think about it for at least a byte.

9/20/13
It's good to be out of your mind because your mind is the one who should be in you.

9/22/13
If you are afraid of someone who is bad to the bone just give them a whole chicken & their badness will have to stop there.

The easiest way to find anything out is to go through your front door & away from your home.

9/23/13
Imaginary knives have moot points.

9/24/13
Most people are smarter than you think. Their mental hard drives are pretty full, of course it mostly consists of poorly encoded video files of movies & tv shows.

9/25/13
If you turn the hose on them then the hose won't have any friends left.

9/26/13
Do not fret losers for victory is not all that far away.. for the winners. In order for there to be winners there must be losers, so feel proud about your role in society.

Some say "Why am I a loser? Why can't that jerk from wherever be a loser?" Well winning makes you a jerk. Be happy you're a loser because people never dislike a loser.. unless they're depending on one.

The loser doesn't get a free dinner like the winner but look at it this way, they stay thinner.

9/28/13
Nothin says lovin like somethin from the oven and nothing says oven like a yak. Really you've got to hear it to believe it!

9/29/13
You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.

9/30/13
If you spend your time way below sea level you won't be able to see anything.

October
10/1/13
If you listened every once in a while you wouldn't listen very much.

10/2/13
If you think the weather is bad today just wait for the past. There was some serious weather back then!

10/3/13
A fine way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to hit the dog a few times in the head so it'll forget the old tricks. The problem with that method is that it is a complete waste of time lest you enjoy hitting your dog.

A finer way of teaching an old dog new tricks is to teach your dog nothing its whole life until it is old & then teach it tricks & there you go. You've taught an old dog new tricks.

10/4/13
If money were recycled it would be true that it takes money to make money however money is not recycled so you should use any land you obtain to plant trees because it takes trees to make money.

10/6/13
Sweeping broken things creatively can actually cause those things to break dance.

10/7/13 Flashback Edition:
You don't have to walk sideways on a sidewalk.

Some animals have hands yet they don't wear hand me downs because they wear fur because for them fur isn't murder, fur is life.

10/8/13
A candle may not be a game but it, like most light matter, can be used in a game of catch.

10/9/13
If you can fit in a tank it probably isn't a gas tank.

10/10/13
If you forget the name of your shoe you are too prideful with your head in the air & all.

If you forget the name of your horse it runs, possibly away, but horses will run anyway, as in any direction AND regardless of you forgetting WHO they are.

10/11/13
Being late multiple times equals getting fired. And standing next to fire makes you sweat just like being broke & jobless (in the summer time).

Spending large amounts of time driving could mean you are a retired golfer or a retired golfer's caddy.

10/12/13
Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style, technology, & today's date to be the same for years & years to come.

10/13/13
People disagreeing with you can be a harsh thing. So harsh in fact that some people change what they think just so they can be agreed with.

10/18/13
A loser is nothing more than a quitter who finished, just like a winner is nothing more than a loser who won.

10/19/13
Like is spelled like lick (using letters) so when someone likes something crappy it is like they are tasting it thus getting an acquired taste for crud. This is why baloney means guff.

10/20/13
A D fence isn't so smart.

10/24/13
Off color remarks usually mean that the teacher’s regular pen has run out of ink.

10/25/13
Candy taste good going in but should only be eaten once.

One is a magic number because most magic wands are shaped like ones rather than other numbers. Eight used to be the magic number but magicians' children would race their toy cars on their parents' wands. So then they changed the magic number to three, which was some time in the 1970s. Three had children's cars running off the track which was funny for a while until the parents had to buy more toys. One then became the magic number & the wands were made to be rounded to make any & all cars fall off of them.

10/26/13
Umpires are like vampires but with less va va va & more u u u (pronounced as a grunted 'oo').

10/27/13
Shallow people & ugly people can both enjoy Halloween together.

10/28/13
Celebrating Halloween is like eating a hollow bean because Halloween is all about the surface. Except the internal digestion of candy which later becomes an external thing..

10/29/13
The best time to train up a child is on Halloween. This way you won't look weird dressing your child up like a train. Even better if you have multiple children you can dress them as one cart each.

10/30/13
Because people go around looking maimed already Halloween is the perfect night to give someone a savage beating & get away with it.

November
11/1/13
If you think you've lost the will to live you're confused. A will is for someone who has died.

Love is a many spendered thing. Spending money for women lets the woman realize that you value her enough to spend the money you earned slaughtering chickens and/or wombats at the Wonderbread factory. As the greedy corporations said in the 20th century “Money is the honey to get honeys.”

11/2/13
Mimes never run out of time but they do run into it. Ouch!@mime.com

11/3/13
Remember, "If spiky hair with an insane glare don't go there!" Actually you really only need the insane glare.

11/4/13
Time was the way you knew a man was content was if he didn't know how to properly open a newspaper.

11/5/13
Statistically people who steal are the ones who have stolen the most things ever in history.

11/7/13
Renting a box for shelter can be expensive if it rains because box rental services have no box insurance for rain related weather.

11/9/13
Even stoppers stop sometimes. Actually stoppers in sinks, tubs, showers, & sinks spend more time not stopping than they do stopping.

11/10/13
The best secret you've ever heard was still a pretty lousy secret because you heard it.

Wish people a terrible weekend so the next weekend will be great, if by nothing else but comparison.

11/12/13
Throwing money into the air (non-coins) is a great feeling & catching it is even better. Refs who do coin tosses just don't know what they're missing on the next level.

11/14/13
Some don't like how bologna tastes so they name it (usually O-S-C-A-R) instead of eating it because they know it will be around a while like a pet unless it is eaten by the pet.

11/16/13
You can be sure of this, being sure of things is easier than you think. Well not easier than you thinking, but at best it is as easy.

11/17/13
If you could go back in time & read the history books you'd think "What about starships?" & I'd think, "What about canteen shards?"

In times of trouble be appreciative that you are not in a time of troubles. Replace the word lucky with the word blessed & you may sound more thankful.

11/18/13 Flashback Edition:
If you've never been crushed by a panda you don't know what you are missing.. & trust me, you don't want to know.

11/19/13
Breaking something while dancing is not uncommon in hypothetical circles. But are hypothetical circles really squares?

11/20/13
Flashback Edition:
Elevators on farms have a lot of hick ups but they have just as many hick downs too.

11/21/13
A fun game for friendless persons to play is "chase the chaser" because all you do is run around in a circle.

11/22/13
What could be better than the worst? Everything, that's right.

11/23/13
The strongest case always carries the most weight.

11/25/13
I don't know what a bel is but when a bel happens twice a rebel is born.

11/26/13
Thoughts let you say things in your head, feelings let you say things in your heart, hunger lets you say things in your stum, gas lets you say things in & out of your.. butt.

11/27/13
When people own each other it is slavery but when they own pets the animals are treated like ancient kings.

11/28/13
Dependency does not have a holiday but Thanksgiving is close.

From decades in the past came the present.

11/29/13
If you're on the 2nd floor of a 2 story structure with the kids only on the 1st floor, you're not down with the kids.

Spinning around doesn't mean you've gone around the world.

December
12/1/13
School life is like a sitcom. There are all sorts of background characters that never get any lines in your story & you don't get any in theirs.

12/2/13
Old ladies lose weight so the gram was named after them. But for those future grammas the gram was named before them.

12/3/13
The past can be in front of you if you turn around & look back at it.

12/4/13
People who get down to the nitty gritty shouldn't eat bugs while there.

12/5/13
If you can't figure out what the future holds try checking its pockets instead.

12/6/13
Instead of being open-minded or closed-minded I recommend being crack minded. Not too open & not too closed. You're confident enough to be content but uncertain enough to learn & not be a jerk.

12/7/13
Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.

12/8/13
People who sign autographs are redundant.

12/9/13
If you say "bingo" at just the right time you could kill all of mankind. Of course this is a very particular time when the world is running out of air & everyone has to stop talking.

12/10/13
While most small things are obviously small, little whiles are only known to be small after you've encountered them.

12/11/13
While most people think surgeons do pretty good, the reality is that they do ugly good because guts are ugly.

12/12/13
When you run your own business you are the slave owner & the slave at the same time.

12/13/13
A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.

12/14/13
People that hit the bottle really are drunks. I mean I understand crushing a can on your head but this.. wow.

12/15/13
They were going to call the telephone the silentephone & by "they" I mean spiders wearing jeans next to caulking because the colors go well together.

12/16/13
Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you aren't really you either.

12/24/13
Musical Instruments in a Homeless Band:  Sacks of phones, acoustic tars, a P & an O (cut from a box label), a flewt (a dead bird that has done flewt), a corder (a cord instead of a recorder), a triangle (any triangle will do), a clearanet (a net you can see through the holes), an o-bow (a circle of hairbows), a pickle-o (a sliced pickle with a hole in it), a board (it has no keys because they are homeless).

12/25/13
Christmas is celebrated in winter because if people's hearts were warmed with such holiday cheer during the more heated months hearts the world over would melt.

12/27/13
People shop until they drop because they are forced to buy things they break & are too embarrassed to continue shopping in the same store.

12/28/13
Struggling farmers need only to put yield signs in front of their crops to be more successful.

12/29/13
Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash & give it back to them.

12/30/13
If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.

Top 20 Lessons of 2013
20. A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.
19. Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.
18. Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.
17. Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you aren't really you either.
16. The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.
15. Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears that will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question down & if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing things.
14. When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.
13. If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to beat.
12. If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.
11. Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style, technology, & today's date to stay the same for years & years to come.
10. When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
9. You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.
8. If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.
7. Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash & give it back to them.
6. One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."
5. Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.
4. Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"
3. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.
2. People who sign autographs are redundant.
1. Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.

2012 | House | 2014
All Lessons 2003, 2005-2007, 2009, 2013 (unless noted)
Lessons from 4/6/13-7/9/13 originally appeared as exclusive lessons in my book Lesson Mania!
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