Piemerica's Lesson of/for the
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but how do you keep your house
from burning down? Sleep with pears in your mouth. It keeps your house
from catching fire.
No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by greedy
doctors. They invented gravity too.
It is easier to catch a snowball with your mouth than with your hands.
But catching it with your mouth makes it much harder to throw back.
Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've taken
vows of silence no one ever hears about it.
Piemerica's lessons will make you laugh & they will make you cry if
there are freshly cut onions nearby.
Lighting a fire under someone twice is useless because once their
bottom has been burnt they won't have any feeling left in it.
People who waste food eat pre-trash.
Houses in tropical climates are painted with light jackets of
Jewish rappers should remember to proof read their emails because there
is a big difference between "Oy!" & "Yo!"
Headless ghosts would bump into walls if they weren't ghosts.
If you are what you eat then eat donuts because then you'll be tasty
& sweet & loved by millions.
Don't wash your pink plates with white plates. If you mix colored
dishes with white dishes you'll end up with a purple monkey in the
dishwasher... I think.
Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
If you get teleported to an empty universe you'd be the awesomest
person in the universe!
Don't iron your tires. Those wrinkles were tread.
If you are looking for somewhere to sit just ask someone with a butt.
When you fall in the woods you can appreciate the ground. You are
barely over it yet so close to being under it.
1 million people a day bathe in onions. They are the tiny people we eat
but never see.
Wingface was a terrible super villain because he was an awesome hero.
After scorpions are extinct we will have private teleporters. You will
be able to teleport things to strangers as gifts without having to know
where they live. So go kill scorpions!
Bear ghosts are the only ghosts with teeth.
You may be city folk but you can still milk a cow faster than a horse
Lesson Mania Week 2014
Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.
Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.
A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive
because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to begin
Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.
If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This
helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.
This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into toasters.
You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.
You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.
Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home
with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that
sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.
Tree carvings are tree tattoos.
Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.
You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink
from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a
mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink
some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water
in your wallet.
Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.
It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from
the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a
paper bag right next to it.
Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you
bury it. It doesn't make any sense.
Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready!
You know why?.. Because I'm driven."
Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!
OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.
Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted
are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.
When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway
just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like
you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel
like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you
don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel
like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you are in the ocean if
ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.
Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get
us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.
Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.
Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of
Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never
Putting the cart before the horse is a good idea if the cart floats
& the horse is in water.
If spiders wore pants they'd have a lot of pockets.
The button was depressed because it was a shirt button & not a
button that could be pressed & de-pressed.
If you put two bowls together you can create a bowling ball that
doesn't roll away.
Zombies have prosthetic life but their body parts are real.
Disgusting grocery stores don't employ grochers, their employees are
It is good to have neighbors from hell because it means they are on
their way up in life. Coming from hell is much better than going to
hell. It's hard to escape hell. You have to win a fiddln' contest.
Hammock reviewers never review how well hammocks hold their liquor.
In evolutionism stew made Stu. In creationion Stu made you, but later
changed His name to Jesus.
Despite some Americans despising illegal aliens Mexicans amazingly have
diplomatic immunity on most planets.
If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much
5 armed Zeidslurtz was excited to visit earth to participate in
high-fives because on his planet beings only have 4 hands. His
Omnegtolitum-English dictionary misled him however & he was greatly
disappointed in we two-handed humans. He was going to destroy the earth
until he saw someone giving away free kittens in a shopping parking
lot. He know lives in Normal, IL enjoying petting his 5 kitties.
Invisible question marks are true question marks because their
existence is questionable.
A relationship with counting can easily last forever.
Toasters are where toasts have their funerals. Our butter & plates
are their afterlife.
Deserts do have trees but when you're not looking invisible palm trees
eat all of the other trees, roots & all.
Kids who grow up on a farm have more expected of them because so many
other things grow on a farm thus just simply growing is not as
Wrenches can help build but cannot build other wrenches.
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts,
& people will always like you if you don't have any lies.
Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires
eat space beef.
If your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your
doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't
know what page they are on.
Only super villains put paper towels in the ocean to suck up all the
water so they can send it to another planet to create life there.
Makeup is beards for ladies.
can't make fun of something that is already fun just like you can't
make a pie
that is already made!
looks like you tried to say Limbo but you were limboing while writing
it so you
missed the i.
Cameras let us capture moments but moments aren't domesticated so
sometimes moments capture us back.
There are so many colors that don't exist.
If your school chooses the right font you'll always make straight A's.
When you haven't seen someone in eight years say, "You haven't aged a
bit, it's more like a byte."
is customary in some non-Tuvaluan cultures for the parents of the bride
to put a wedge in-between the bride & groom, a grapefruit wedge.
This was the only way Maori businesswomen could sell any fruit because
in Piemerican Ecuador you can pick fruit for free provided you have
arms or toes.
Oven mitts were in fact designed to be
used to catch ovens. They are smooth & fingerless to prevent you
from actually catching an oven that has been thrown. They help the oven
slip safely through your hands because no one's back & knees could
handle catching an oven.
Caren was named after her
attitude because she cared that she was born. Bill was named because
his parents had no insurance. Greg was named because his parents liked
dog marmoset hybrids. Now you know who you are Greg.
Without net neutrality web browsers would be more like web ration lines.
Everyone has friends in low places because the ground is a low place
& we all live here.
Beach is Peach with a gut.
If you're ever wearing cleats on a basketball court.. you might be a
foreign exchange student who signed up for the wrong sport.
Though similar to the electric blanket, the electric shirt never caught
on because of their slogan, "Put on the back burner!"
When hiring foot racers make sure they agree to give you a run for your
The sky gets crowded with summer in June.
In his old age Taz has started going to a spin doctor.
If you're on top you're over the top unless you are the top.
Magneto is always sticking to his guns.
If you're going to paint the town red use a good primer first.
When in a physical altercation with someone who fights dirty you have
to fight tooth and nail.
You're in trouble when, instead of throwing in the towel, you
accidentally throw your hat in the ring.
Going out on a limb isn't risky if you bring the limb with you &
lay it on the ground.
Ironically real rat races only occur at the most leisurely of
When you are eating deer for dinner passing the buck is a good thing.
If you fail to see the big picture your license may be revoked.
The sad truth is if you rap your mind around something physically you
won't be able to wrap your mind around it figuratively.
If you have to spill the beans please don't cook them first.
Atari was so successful in the early 80s that they provided all of
their employees with 3 square meals a day.
After the magician was injured during one of his tricks he now truly
has nothing up his sleeve.
For unsuspecting adults Legos are often stumbling blocks.
"I'm sorry Minnie but the yacht won't be out of the shop until next
Tuesday" is an example of a white lie.
Both Smart Alec & Stupid Alec were smart alecs.
say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend. But those
people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a toddler & I
don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine came over &
started throwing food on the floor, playing with my wires, &
digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
If someone rubs you the wrong way contact your lawyer.
Loki is always stealing Thor's thunder.
Alex had a pen & so did Al's ex because they had two pens &
split them equally in the divorce.
people think we are supposed to bring heaven to earth, but it just
doesn't work. The best we can do is to get the lion & the lamb to
sleep in a bunk bed.
lol looks like a scared man's bow tie.
If your mouth lives a tongue be thankful because there are some who
have no taste.
Anarchy has arrived when stop signs start walking.
Shea butter sounds dumb but Che Guevara butter sounds funny.
It's now or never or the future.
are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are no fish in space. If there
were loads of people would go
up there to fish.
Toll booths dare say, "it is my way AND the highway."
You are bossy if you say "Excuse me" instead of "may I be excused."
Some people aren't a barrel of laughs. They are more like a satchel of
None of us are the brightest bulb in the box unless there is a lamp in
the box too.
If you have to change a baby carrot's diaper you're shopping at the
wrong Whole Foods.
is faster to thank someone from the top of your heart than from the
bottom of your heart because those arteries are closer to your mouth.
If the world runs out of fish there are plenty of other fish to fry,
just not literally.
Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple
How to get money is to win at basket sports.
If you get the short end of the stick just play a little tug of war to
You can't hear silence & that is why silence is golden. Silence is
to be seen & not heard.
If only we could swallow other people's pride starvation would end.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is contagious.
When you grow up they say you're raised but when you die you're lowered
into the ground.
You know you've seen something cool when you've seen lightning bugs
stuck by lightning.
not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the
dog. But when the big dog eats the little dog that has big fight in it,
To Blinky, Pinky, Inky, & Clyde Pac-Man is a vicious circle.
educated people are even more clever at pretending to be stupid because
they use the "edumacated" cliché 43.668% less.
never strikes the same place twice because it always hits a just few
millimeters to the left to make things much worse.
are an awesome multi-tasker if you can hit the books, the bricks, the
deck, the road, the nail on the head, the hay & the sack all at the
It is pretty obvious when the fireworks industry is booming.
The idea that "you can't mix apples & oranges" is why you never see
a math teacher working a juice stand.
The real reason Icarus fell was because he took someone under his wing.
Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their
I've got my
Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe
Strawberries need to come with a warning label. Too many people have
needlessly died whilst trying to use them as straws.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading
this & those who don't know what this part says.
Out of sight, out of mind.. except for the screams.
You are weird if cats are your favorite animal.. to place bets with.
You are weird if you only see your extended family a few times a year..
y'know during those big heists.
You are weird if you celebrate the 4th of July.. on January 6th, with
waterworks, & a kosher meal.
You are weird if you stop at red stop lights.. only because you think
they are death rays put there by the oil companies to get you to burn
You are weird if you won't take no for an answer.. because you always
take it for a question despite the inflection.
You are weird if you've ever seen a horse.. give you a manicure.
You are weird if you've invented the trinocular just in case people
evolve a 3rd eye in your life time.
You are weird if you like to go out dancing.. into traffic.
You are weird if you borrow your neighbor's rake every fall.. so you
can regift it to him the following Christmas.
You are weird if your shirt has two sleeves.. of hard taco shells.
You are weird if you boil your coffee.. with your mouth!
You are weird if you add cheese to everything. EVERYTHING
including: shoes, wigs, belts, petrol, earrings, goat cheese,
eyebrows, letters, e-mails, harpsichords, tickets, sounds, light rays,
hopscotch boundaries, felt, & a variety of lenses.
You are weird if you write just a few texts a day.. using only
You are weird if you like to travel.. but only because you are looking
for mother nature's baby.
You are weird if you rock the boat by stoning the bottom of glass boats.
You are weird if before eating a banana you peel it.. with a unicorn's
You are weird if you can spell your own name.. with a foreign alphabet.
You are weird if you like sharing your feelings.. with boxes of nails.
You are weird if your hamster has a hamster wheel made out of your old
You are weird if you store your leftover foods in your refrigerator..
because you fear it will get revenge on you for eating them & not
finishing the job.
You are weird if you can count to 3.. without using your brain.
You are weird if your great great great grandparents are dead.. but you
still receive their mail.
You are weird if at night you lock your house.. in an electrified
terrordome surrounded by exploding night waffles!
You are weird if you watch your tv.. torturing villagers in 1607 BC!
You are weird if you have 10 fingers.. that aren't yours.
You are normal if you don't like selling your soul but you do like
selling your unused exercise equipment.
You are normal if you don't like biting the dust but you do like biting
are normal if you don't like being caught on fire but you do like being
caught while jumping out of a window to escape from a fire.
You are normal if you don't like paying taxes but you do like paying
for goods & services of your choice.
You are normal if you don't like eating out of the trash but you do
like eating pre-trash.
You are normal if you don't like being driven crazy but you do like
being driven to the donut shop.
are normal if you don't like throwing in the towel but you do like
throwing in the first pitch at a major league baseball game.
You are normal if you don't like the smell of defeat but you do like
the smell of fresh baked bread.
You are normal if you don't like being called yellow but you do like
being called on the phone by your best friend.
You are normal if you don't like losing your mind but you do like
losing the maniac who is vehicularly chasing you.
You are normal if you don't like mailing threatening letters but you do
like mailing birthday cards.
You are normal if you don't like picking up the check but you do like
picking up your favorite pet.
You are normal if you don't like borrowing money but you do like
are normal if you don't like facing your fears but you do like facing
your television while watching it instead of having all of your
furniture facing the opposite direction.
You are normal if you don't like wasting time but you do like wasting
You are normal if you don't like wearing a beard of hornets but you do
like wearing your favorite shirt.
You are normal if you don't like waiting at the doctor's office but you
do like waiting for meat to be thoroughly cooked.
You are normal if you don't like seeing doctors play god but you do
like seeing doctors play hopscotch.
You are normal if you don't like carrying a heavy burden but you do
like carrying your bones & guts in your skin.
You are normal if you don't like being cut from the team but you do
like being cut from a giant alien's spider web.
You are normal if you don't like watching a car wreck but you do like
watching your favorite movie.
You are normal if you don't like feeling sad but you do like feeling
things to know you still have a sense of touch.
You are normal if you don't like linebackers tackling your grandparents
but you do like linebackers tackling your to-do list.
You are normal if you don't like passing a golden opportunity but you
do like passing people with golden teeth.
You are normal if you don't like hearing about a tragedy but you do
like hearing your favorite tune.
You are normal if you don't like burning your morning toast but you do
like burning the wicks of scented candles.
You are normal if you don't like getting shot out of a cannon but you
do like getting shot out in an escape pod.
You are normal if you don't like arrogant people but you do like
feeling superior to arrogant people.
You are normal if you don't like being stepped on but you do like
stepping on a planet with reasonable gravity.
are normal if you don't like the pilot saying, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we're experiencing some turbulence" but you do like the pilot saying,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing some nacho surplus."
You are rich if you never wake up at the crack of dawn.. because you
had the crack fixed.
You are rich if your toilet water is imported... from Mars!
are rich if, when your teacher told you to put on your thinking cap you
put on your headdress that connected you to the ancient Mayan hive mind.
You are rich if the ice you use in your beverages comes from the
iceberg that wrecked the Titanic.
You are rich if you bite the hand that feeds you because you are fed by
an edible robotic hand.
are rich if the money you are saving for a rainy day is so you can
build a giant retractable dome over your city to keep the rain from
getting to you & to the crops of the poor.
You are rich if you spill the beans.. by reversing the earth's gravity!
are rich if your limo has an officially licensed full sized NASCAR
racetrack with other golden limos on it racing each other.
You are rich if every cloud has a silver lining because you had some
extra silver lying around.
You are rich if you take a back seat to no one.. because your cars
cover both lanes by having 7 front seats.
You are rich if you are a son of a gun, a cloning gun.
You are rich if you visit your doctor everyday just so you can huck an
apple at him.
You are rich if the salmon you buy swims upstream.. in the salmon
You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions just
in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.
You are rich if you buy everything hook line and sinker because you
only shop from mermaids.
You are rich if your clone calls in sick.
You are rich if when you say you're going to "surf the web" you mean
the web created by your mutant silk-ice spider.
You are rich if your alarm has all the latest bells and whistles.
are rich if, because you were tired of people saying, "Rome was not
built in a day" you paid to have Rome rebuilt in a day & it worked!
You are rich if you call it a day before the sun even comes up.
are rich if, as a child you heard someone say, "It's raining cats &
dogs out there!" & you thought "that's a good idea" so you had your
parents build you a cat/dog sprinkler system by putting a bowling alley
on its side so the ball return would be the cat & dog return.
You are rich if you still write letters because you can pay to have
them sent just as fast as a text.
are rich if your money burns a hole in your pocket because you
accidentally took your self-warming winter coins with you on a summer
trip to the gumball machine.
You are rich if you live like there is no tomorrow because of your time
machine never forcing you to experience tomorrow.
You are rich if your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
because you use your experimental emevator for that.
are rich if when you start the day off on the wrong foot you have time
rewound so you can restart the day on the right one but sometimes you
forget why you rewound time so you have to rewind it again a few times
before you get it right.
You are rich if you are heading for the poor house.. to knock it down.
You are rich if you know that breaking priceless ancient pottery for
fun isn't all it's cracked up to be.
You are rich if your house is made of ice but you live in the desert.
You are rich when your idea of "pushing the envelope" is fighting a guy
dressed as a giant envelope.
You are rich if the only time you have a bone to pick with someone is
at the billionaires' dinosaur BBQ.
You are rich if you abandon ship just because the ship got wet.
You are rich if you shoot the messenger.. out of a canon so he can
deliver the message faster.
You are rich if you own an indoor drug fog powered emotional roller
Rich guys named Rich who embrace themselves for who they are are the
richest people in the world.
All Lessons 2013-2014 (unless noted), Thanks to
Top 11 Lessons of 2014
on Facebook Likes & Comments)
11. Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
10. Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe
9. If you are what you eat then eat donuts because then you'll be tasty
& sweet & loved by millions.
8. Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple
7. Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their
6. Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've
taken vows of silence no one ever hears about it.
5. No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by
greedy doctors. They invented gravity too.
3. You are weird if your hamster has a hamster wheel made
out of your old hamsters.
2. Some say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend.
But those people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a
toddler & I don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine
came over & started throwing food on the floor, playing with my
wires, & digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
1. If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much
Top 20 Lessons of 2014
(as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
20. When hiring foot racers make sure they agree to give you a run for your money.
19. Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
18. If your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery
your doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he
won't know what page they are on.
17. Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires eat space beef.
16. Houses in tropical climates are painted with light jackets of paint.
15. You are rich if you are heading for the poor house.. to knock it down.
14. If you're going to paint the town red use a good primer first.
13. You are weird if you have 10 fingers.. that aren't yours.
12. Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never confronted.
11. There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading this & those who don't know what this part says.
10. You are rich if the only time you have a bone to pick with someone is at the billionaires' dinosaur BBQ.
9. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
8. If you are what you eat then eat donuts because then you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
6.You are weird if your shirt has two sleeves.. of hard taco shells.
4.You are weird if you like to travel.. but only because you are looking for mother nature's baby.
2. You are weird if you like to watch sports.. through the scope of a sniper rifle.
1. You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions
just in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.