Lesson of/for the
February is just the Tip of the Iceberg,
Poor Man's March, April Fools
& Wises, MiscelMaynia, Soon
June, Julyfe: Life
Alternate August, Sundrycember
No Normalvember, Dumbcember .091
The Proverbial January
The dog with the biggest bite is also the dog with the highest dentist
The road less traveled has less pot holes, unless the local hillbillies
warm their soup in it.
A buzzard without teeth & a clock with
no hands are the same. You can use neither to tell time. That is unless
they are both wearing digital watches.
puzzle with 6-14 pieces missing is like a car missing its engine.
Unless you've ever driven a car, in which case the comparison is
The road less traveled enunciates "quaff" no better than the motorway
covered in marmalade.
You can't teach a fish to juggle cheese whiz but you can teach an elk
how to limp.
A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very
very VERY hungry.
An ambitious person without wings can fly just as high as a lazy bird
that has no wings.
Sometimes the smallest people have the biggest hearts so shorties, go
get that checked out by your doctor.
One bad apple spoils the whole bunch but the whole bunch, left uneaten,
spoils together. So eat a whole bunch!
The weasel with the longest tail is easier stepped upon than the
Some people are best left alone & those people are already
One man's rainbow is another man's "I'm not sure what you call it but
it sure looks cool."
Money can't buy you contentment but it can buy you a gorilla that jogs
in place.. if you're willing to shop around for a while.
The man with 7 houses does not have more to be thankful for than the
man with one. Or is that the other way around?
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The bigger the pillow, the more oblivious we are to the ostrich behind
The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over
Those who always keep their chin up will likely be scared of their own
A blister earned by hard work is far sweeter than a blister covered in
motor oil & chalk dust.
Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
You can teach a deaf man's parrot to talk, but.. why?
A child with a stick of butter is more powerful than imaginary ocelot
The light at the end of the tunnel is always brighter than the light in
the trunk while it's closed.
A wise man does not build his house on hairy ice but a wise man does
stock his house with quality Ronco® products.
smallest pebble can be thrown but the largest rock cannot be lifted. So
in the end the tiny pebble makes the bigger splash. Likewise the
smaller Cheeto dissolves in Mellow Yellow slower than the larger
A pilot can steer the plane but the passenger doesn't have to.
People with their eyes closed cannot see the the glass as half full but
they can still drink out of it.
Teach a kid to catch a football & he could become a
Teach a kid to juggle & he may never earn a cent.
The man who feels enslaved to his shoe strings needs to look up what
the word "enslaved" means.
Whoever has the most gold doesn't win in the end but he sure can fix a
lot of games while he's still around.
February is just the Tip
of the Iceberg
Tip of the Iceberg: "If an iceberg tells you, 'Come on in!
water is fine.' remember that temperature preference differs between
the animate & inanimate."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't wreck into me."
Tip of the Iceberg: "To boost their self-esteem whales
wearing clothes so they could always be skinny dipping."
Tip of the Iceberg: "I don't like ice breakers. I'm huge why
would I like small talk?"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Simply wear a chin guard & you
to ride a pretend sled."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Statistics wrought by poller bears have
bias that is heavier than the bears themselves."
Tip of the Iceberg: "It's so cold where I live you can
hold your breath underwater."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Wearing snow shoes is only slightly
for crossing a bed a nails than a bed of hot coals. I suggest you use
them for neither."
Tip of the Iceberg: "In the coming centuries if you ever go
iceberg zoo, make sure to feed us iceberg lettuce to keep us
from floating violently toward you."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Not all of us Icebergs are Jewish. Some
us just married in."
Tip of the Iceberg: "I think you're the one that's slippery."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Snow is not a good fertilizer."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can actually see the wind but since
keeps giving you & everyone else the cold shoulder mankind has
unconsciously chosen to ignore the sight of it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Ice fishing is best done with a net."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't slip on me, it tickles."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Last year I vacationed at the beach
lost 440,000 lbs!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't play polka near ice, it is too
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you have to
shave your ice cream you shouldn't eat it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Where I come from water doesn't
cold, ice gets water cold."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you don't want your snowmobile to
accident put a diaper on it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you think really hard while you see
breath in the arctic it will become a brief thought cloud."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't use ice cubes they are an affront
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you're coming to see me bring some
crayons. All I ever see is white & blue!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Penguins aren't flightless birds. They
underwater. Hey whaddahya want from me? I'm an ice burg. I don't know
the vocabulary for that underwater movin' thingy."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Santa Claus used to travel by ship but I
Tip of the Iceberg: "Never trust a seal to open your mail."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can melt the entire polar ice caps
only 9 ramen seasoning packets."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can defrost anything with sunlight
you get close enough to the sun."
You know you're poor if you're still saving up for that other scis.
You know you're poor when you use birdbath water as the base of your
You know you're poor when you squirt lemons in your eyes to go
colorblind just so you won't be covetous.
You know you're poor when you can't afford to eat at Kentucky Fried
Chicken so you eat at Puerto Rican Raw Bird.
You know you're poor when you use lightning bugs to light your house at
You know you're poor if instead of insurance you have
well-probably-not-ance or mildly-unlikely-ance.
You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your
pizza are your own tears.
You know you're poor when you use cheese as a mirror.
You know you're poor if you've antagonized someone because you were so
hungry you'd settle for a knuckle sandwich.
You know you live in a poor city when the water tower ain't nothin' but
You know you're poor when your windshield looks like it's been used in
an actual war.
know you're poor when you couldn't afford tooth-picks so you had to
settle for tooth-we-tell-you-what-to-dos. Emancipated tooth cleaning
sticks just cost way too much!
You know you grew up poor when you encourage your kids to litter just
so other folk can find somethin' real nice.
You know you're poor when the only crayon you can afford is the color
know you're poor when you've got a gun with no ammo, a soup with no
moisture, a dog with no legs, a shirt with no front, & a scarf
You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except
You know you're poor when you get stuck in traffic & you aren't
a rush to get home because you're already home.
You know you're poor if you've never recycled aluminum cans because you
need them for the coils in your homemade mattress.
know you're poor if the only steak you've ever eaten was the steak to
your tent because it was softened by protein filled termites.
You know you're poor if in lieu of buying a hat or sunglasses you only
go outside when it is cloudy.
You know you're poor if the speedometer on your car never goes past
zero either because it is broke or because your car is.
You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.
You know you're poor when your wardrobe consists of short, glass,
You know you're poor when you commit a crime just to get some free
police tape to use as a clothes line.
You know you're poor if you only go to the movie theater to collect
discarded ticket stubs so you can burn them for warmth.
Penny pinchers keep a sack of corroded pennies just so they won't go
nuts on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're poor when your favorite meal is shadow toast. Mmmm
taste that shaddy!
know you're poor if save your kid's hair clippings so you can give your
kids beards for the winter because you can't afford scarves.
You know you're poor when you can pick up your pickup truck because you
done sold all the parts off that dang thang.
know you grew up poor if your parents asked you what you wanted for
Christmas & you said "A firetruck!" so they just took the truck
already owned & set it on fire & gave it to you.
they didn't try to wrap that one & put it under the tree.
You know you're poor when the only reason you dye your hair is to
either absorb or deflect the sun's warmth.
You know you're poor when you go to the mail room on your lunch break
just so you can lick the envelopes for sustenance.
You know you're poor if your tires are retired.
You know you're poor when the blinker on your car just stares.
You know you're poor when instead of buying strawberry jam you buy
imitation strawberry sortacrappydubstepsong.
You know you're poor when your idea of an air freshener is to just stop
You know you're poor if you get into too much monkey business, which is
any & all monkey related business ventures.
You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever
assumes you are talking about politics.
know you're poor that when you look for enough money to buy an air
conditioner you have to settle for either an air-junkfooder, an
air-heathrisker, or an air-baconsundae.
You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that
time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.
know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play as a princess.
She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you could
realistically aspire to.
You know you're poor when the only basketball you've ever owned was
made out of old baskets. It bounc'd a littl' bit.
know you're poor if the closest thing you've ever had to a mirror is
your finger nails after you ran em through your greasy hair.
You know you're poor when you have hardwood floors in your house..
because your floor is made of tipped over trees.
You know you're poor when instead of a cheese greater you've got a
You know you're poor when instead of painting your house, you sharpie
You know you're poor when you're afraid to look at billboards because
you're afraid you'll get charged for it.
know you're poor if you've never had a birthday cake with candles to
wish upon so you go to the scene of local fires & try
them out to make one big wish.
You know you're poor when your trash can doubles as your soup pot.
know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans &
cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.
Poor Man's March Lesson Leftovers
Fools & Wises
The wise man orders pizza in the morning. The fool orders pizza to do
his morning chores.
doofus peels his lemon with his eyes wide open but the smarty pants
brainiac wears his clothes in winter but the blockhead wears winter in
clod refills his gastank with bees. But the virtuoso only fills his
nincompoop keeps all of his eggs in one carton but the maven hides his
throughout his yard more than once a year.
pundit will buy watermelons with change whether sticky or loose. But
desperate ignoramus will try to split logs with chop sticks.
Stanislaus has an extensive vocabulary & spells the word HAM
Bubba couldn't spell the word toast with a hammer.
dignitarious doyen captures monkeys in cages but the pulp headed pupil
apes instead of hiring a stylist.
schmuck stores his winter coat in a freezer but the science-noggin uses
mannequins as ringers in freeze tag.
goon wears umbrellas on his feet but the graduate strategically hangs
from balloons for hands free dryness.
fitness guru works out frequently but the laziness guru doesn't have to
socks as often.
esteemed expert explicates entertainingly. The goof uses "goof" as an
intellectual charms his or her constituents. The illiterate uses Lucky
to buy mice in Cardif, Wales.
mixer modulates publicly but the monk high-fives in private.
buffoon only knows the names of 5 colors but the boffo can color her
binger stops a headache with pills but the Blargg prevents headaches
pounding plumbers by living in lava.
prudent lad buries his comicbooks in mylar but the improvident chum
groceries behind the fence at the police station impound lot.
The erudite homeowner uses Liquid Plumber. The dumbudolt homeowner
calls a plumber & melts him despite having no plumbing issue.
mindscaper male portends pugilation but the Macho Man drops elbows from
rope. OOOOH YEEAH!
protester may sound like an optimist but is actually a pessimist. The
antitester however is pro protests ending.
old hand shakes hands to improve his status but the young hand
elbows until he is asked to leave.
learned only indulge in candy as often as YOU think they should. The
thinks the 1st M in M&M's stands for B & the 2nd M
architect uses CAD software to create blueprints. The airhead eats
to create blueprints & demands a refund when the prints turn
The magician sets things on fire only to entertain. The moron sets
things IN fire repeatedly because he keeps trying to set things ON fire.
inordinate dress in a revealing manner. The bordinate wear clothing
revealing blog posts printed on them.
pen memorable messages. Giddiots photobomb the blind.
wittish buys a plane ticket to an island paradise. The wumpus removes
from a strawberry, fills a hat with dirt, &
the hat on the floor.
thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for
thrifty superficial hunt for clothing deals at stores. The thrifty
look for clothes in decks of cards.
bequeather passes down money to his family. The dequeather passes
mallets upfield at senior tee-ball games.
it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a
vegetable is not a good thing.
who ends up in a grave changes the world.
bicycle without wheels is not a cycle at all.
you own a black cat keep your kids in the corner so it can
cross their path.
11th sister was named Elanor.
pennies were made of Lincoln impersonators they'd be worth more than 1
reason we pay attention is because it is so valuable to others.
guarantee my new line of steam soap will be a hot seller.
/15 [2,000th Lesson]
people are such cowards when it comes down to it they can't even save a
bunnies in a cotton field is like giving them unmarked graves.
This is a trick question.
first name "Real" will grow in popularity so future generations'
twitter handles will make more sense.
word "good" doesn't look good. It is filled with holes!
will use curly landline phone cords for their weaves. So keep some
extras in your
pockets because fembots will rob you for phone cords instead of money.
someone tells you "I'm quite a catch," remember in fishing quite
catches are hard to get.
a ghost invited you to dinner you would be eating alive animals
fruits attached to roots.
there was just one parachute left on earth it would only be useful for
off of a cliff.
worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
some cultures they wear pants to hold up their belts because their
so bad they call pants belts.
Great minds actually think exactly alike but when born in
different time zones
they think 1 or more hours off from each other.
suffer from narcolepsy & amnesia.
are food for thought.
your chin up, stop looking at your phone all the time.
of us can shoot spider webs, with our guns.
parachutes take too many people along.
it weren't for ghost repairmen there would be a whole lot more
reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel
barrel of monkeys.
eat a lot of corn if you have cob webs.
Be glad buttons aren't mini-zippers instead.
mummies & zombies are dead they also have ghosts, yet you never
team up with their ghosts.
is how a robot types goodnight.
TVs will start to watch us back & promptly wish they could
salmon will start preventing forest fires just to make Smokey look like
Soon other brands of food will have names similar to I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!®, such as: I Can Totally Believe It's Not
Charred Cantaloupe®, I Would Like to Believe It Doesn't Contain Pig
Anus Hotdogs®, I'm Having Trouble Believing It's Taste is Worth It
Ricecakes®, & I Believe This is Tasty But Don't Believe in God
it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by lonely
Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into
Hollywood will go bankrupt after a boycott of films with "Rise of" or
"Resurrection" in the title.
the tatthree will replace the tattoo because it will come with
cell phones will again be called mobile phones. They will have legs
will come when we call.
shoes will rise up & become stinky hats.
machetes will find everyday kitchen usage after linoleum becomes
people will stop saying "sooner or later" because sooner is still
always later. In its place will be, "sooner or less sooner."
flying cars will be getting stuck in your potato salad.
all payphones will have cameras too as photo booth makers &
makers join "forces."
many sports will cease to exist after all spheres evolve into a new 5D
any of the Ds being the 3 we know & love.
firefighting will be fighting like prowrestling is fighting. Our
heroes will begin to work together with the villainous fire we love to
put on a good show.
roosters will unite for a global alarm clock heist.
Disney will send marketing messages to fetuses through ultrasounds.
ants will be trained to bring food to share at picnics.
down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their wings as
the lazy will rise up & create a social justice movement
discrimination they've suffered. Boy that sounds like a lot of work,
the Penultimate Fighting Championship will be founded & fights
place in a 7 sided Mocktagon.
Soon Morse Code will make a comeback as the first form of communication
that can be sent directly to your mind.
Apple will introduce the Apple Ankle Monitor to help enforce
boundaries for addicts, ex-cons, & dieters. Sadly only the
suckerest of people will be able to afford it.
trash cans will take themselves out because their lives stink.
ghost hunters will be exposed as frauds by very successful ghost
in the US Lays will release crisp flavored potato chips. Nerds who can
semantics will buy them in droves.
peaches will finally grow mustaches.
MMA will inspire other arts to mix together. Tattoo artists will be
by interpretive dancers. Graffiti artists will tag urban locations
bands improv a soundtrack to their work. Poetry will be primarily
during laser shows. Movies will have music & paintings in them.
Soon politically correct
terms will be replaced with single syllable terms because most racists
will be revealed as lazy rather than prejudice because the number of
syllables in politically correct terms are higher than those in
the making of violent video games will come to an end as the human
race comes to an end.
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Life is like a potato. It doesn't start out very clean.
Life is like the game of Life except there aren't a lot of topless
Life is like a bottle of ketchup. The red on the inside is very
Life is like a fire. It produces light & warmth.
Life used to be like the open sea. The people who said "Yo Ho" were
Life is like an onion. Sometimes it makes you cry. Other times it
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Life is like a cat. You spend a lot of time
sleeping & wanting to
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Modern life is like a police car. There are a
lot of lights & loud
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Life is like a balloon. It can come in animal
Life is like a pie, flaky & sticky but sweet all around.
Life is like a spider web, fragile yet strong & easily blown by
Life is like a greeting card. The givers mean more than the words.
Life is like that time when you're not dead. Ohh what's it called, you
know what I'm talking about.
Life is like Life Cereal, we call them both by the same name.
Life is like a vine. Sometimes it is in full swing, sometimes it is all
Life is like an apple, the sweetness is around the core.
Life is like a little teapot, short & stout.
Life is like a playground. It is more fun with friends.
Life is like money. You spend it on what you love or what you owe.
Life is like a calzone, warm & gooey on the inside.
Life is like a straw. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it blows. Sometimes
you can just drink it all in.
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Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot
of green & you'll see a
lot of teeth.
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Life is like a jet plane, few are trained to
operate it properly.
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Life is like a car. With more money you get a
Life is like a beach. Sure you leave footprints everywhere you go but
the butt prints leave the greatest impression.
Life is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it makes you scream with joy.
Other times it makes you want to puke.
Life is like a movie but much much longer & cheaper.
Life is like a knife. Sometimes it is about cutting, sometimes cutting
up. And like a knife life can spread.
Life is like a calendar. It begins on a certain date & ends on
Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up,
& sometimes it's over easy.
Life is like a taco buffet. There is a whole lot of crap after it ends.
can be used to simulate bookshelf collapses.
hollowed out CRT tv can be used as a giant pasta strainer or a very
pointless foot bath.
mail & phone books make great temporary toys for toddlers.
can use brownies as delicious elbow or kneepads.
can use a cheese grater to test any nerve on the surface of your body.
lit kettle steam can make a convincing whistling ghost to young
people who know not what a kettle is.
you eat all but one kernel from a corn cob that's a unicorn.
your bindle with a briefcase & you'll look like the richest
hypnotize birds you can attach a flexible roll-up piano to a zebra on a
wooden stakes around the perimeter of your domicile to act as a
Some bugs can save you from downing if you put them in your nose.
& strings can help you style your tan.
enough black cats through mirrors can send you around the orbit of bad
into stupendous luck.
fishing pole can be used as a grappling hook to climb a building, if
you have a
highly trained fish or the building is under water.
more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for example.
monsters can use baseball stadiums as engagement rings. Since all
diamonds are the same size, there is no jealously in the monster world.
make excellent rain bonnets.
ash on your feet to pretend like you've walked a long way without shoes.
buses stood on end make great ladders.
can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard
can use bibles in place of kevlar to make a superior bullet proof vest.
make great bouncers for private orange parties.
common steak knife can be used as a forgiveness tester (requires some
vigorous stabbing). You decide what to stab:
pillows, pets, waterbeds, tires, sandwiches, balloons,
"other," or even knife handles.
divining rod that has gathered moss will lead you to swamp water.
you can't afford dark chocolate just eat regular chocolate with the
paddle can not only be used as an oar but also as a flotation device
legless dogs who cannot doggie paddle themselves.
your outdoor ceiling fan's blades with swords to chop up unwelcome
& overly curious cats.
can be used to visually simulate water if you have a blue marker.
pile of aluminum cans makes a great affordable security system.
a few years of unused Christmas sweaters can create an excellent winter
hammock. Normal hammock's mesh is too wide to sustain warmth but my
sweater hammock is great for sitting next to the outdoor fall fire,
the excessive flammability.
the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a
off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.
The future was now.
time is the best time to have feelings because if you get hotheaded
up, if you get cold hearted you'll warm up, if you get pigheaded
you on July 4th!
word conundrum looks like the sounds a drum makes.
& large is easy. By & small is harder.
are perhaps the best dehumanizing way to help us learn about humans.
roads can talk so when we judge the roads we are on we put gravelly
their mouth to fill their pot holes.
only people you have to feel bad about not getting Christmas presents
people whose birthdays are Dec. 26-31 because everyone else has already
presents on their birthday earlier in the year.
the bear is actually pro forest fire that is why he refuses to take
Thing T. Thing dies & becomes a ghost he won't be able to find
around because he has no eyes & will not be able to touch walls.
has a dark heart because it is inside their chest.
is no such thing as a fake color.
don't earn nickels from chopping pennies.
order toast online. It's not hot when you get it in the mail &
re-heat it in the toaster, it burns.
can lose a fight to the death & survive, if the death is of
opposite of a puddle is a dry hill.
If live wires make you chuckle don't take them internally. The type of
laughter that will produce isn't the best medicine.
someone asks for your first name make sure they don't mean
sand is like making a chicken coop out of KFC.
dark chocolate & there's milk chocolate because milk isn't dark.
Lesson Mania Week
Day 1- 3 Lessons
reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is
they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get
or high they know what state to return themselves to.
cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.
computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.
Day 2- 3 Lessons
players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate" after
is always intense, the present tense.
the steaks is bad for tents.
Day 3- 3 Lessons
is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."
hugged by a zipper hurts!
shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin sauce
take a bite out of ya.
Day 4- 3 Lessons
you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras don't
anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot. "People spend
billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"
you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a
head at no extra charge.
make us all suck.
Day 5- 3 Lessons
optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent
women but the high value of daughters.
are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.
is a spaceship's yard.
Day 6- 3 Lessons
reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even poorer
some fat stored up to help them survive.
the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
Day 7- 3 Lessons
a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will
who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad at
I we see I
End of Mania Week
found in captivity is always anal. Ketchup in the glass bottle
refuses to come out & ketchup in the plastic bottle farts about.
Cheaters try to pass the test, in more ways than one.
Human value is not comparable to numbers, where one person is greater
than another. Human value is more like an alphabet where no letter is
greater than another. Each letter looks different & sounds
different yet they are always intersecting to make something great
never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.
are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish
are weird if you watch primetime tv.. with intact paper sacks over your
hands, & remote.
are weird if you are just shy.. of speaking 600 words per minute.
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are weird if on sunny days you try to talk the sky into seeing your
because it looks blue.
are weird if you wish others happy birthday.. as your birthday wish
when you blow
out your candles.
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are weird if you put Betamax tapes in cocoons hoping they'll transform
are weird if when someone says, "You'll never guess who I ran into
today!" you grab a hidden
duffel bag & disappear from their lives forever.
are weird if you regularly go shopping.. for camels in Alaska.
are weird if you take pictures of the summer breeze blowing above your
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are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle
You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.
are weird if you never say "never".. and you speak English.
are weird if you take responsibility.. for inventing the steam engine..
resume.. while trying to get a job at a business you just started
interviewing yourself in an unlit trunk.
are weird if tuck your kilt into your socks.
are weird if you like to give mad props to actors.
are weird if you cut watermelon.. out of your will.. as an inheritance
they spoil faster than you do.
are weird if you catch snowflakes so you can clone them to throw the
are weird if your pantry is full of cans.. of WiFi.
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are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them
to pay you than
it is to buy mannequins.
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are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always
are weird if you think America is going downhill.. because a mountain
lobster eggs is growing under it soon to tilt us all into the ocean.
But on the bright side people on
the east coast will have the longest, awesomest slide ever.
are weird if you mark important dates on your calendar.. with your
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are weird if you think paragraphs jump out of paper planes.
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are weird if you bury your beloved pets.. under other people's potted
are weird if like to light farts.. in hospital nurseries.
are weird if you have a tree in your yard.. that won't shut up about
of being turned into a push broom. We all know push brooms are the most
are weird if you feel like a million bucks.. being burned in front of
of poor people.
are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other
shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get
are weird if you took other kids' lunch money.. to prom.
are weird if you never wear sandals because you don't want the NSA to
on your toes.
You are weird if you weep openly when a loved one dies.. their hair.
No, No Normalvember
are normal if you prefer luxury cruises to luxury colonoscopies.
a comb-over in a cancer ward, that's a no no.
Let us not use sub sandwich bazookas for evil.
You are normal if you don't like getting apples from a shady person but
don't mind getting apples from a shady tree.
without a helmet, that's a no no.
us not reverse the gravity of the oceans to create a global bidet.
are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive & you aren't
the idea of being boiled dead either.
your blood to a soup kitchen, that's a no no.
Let us not serve cucumber oatmeal to invading aliens.
You are normal if you can enjoy a ham & cheese sandwich but you
have trouble finding positive the aspects of ham & cheese soda.
taking a vow of silence, that's a no no.
us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat" as an
excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.
You are normal if you like syrup on your pancakes but you don't like
syrup in your socks.. unless there are pancakes in your socks too.
a bowtie to a funeral, that's a no no.
us not cuddle a half dozen bound pigeons instead of using a pillow.
are normal if you like receiving free prizes but don't like receiving
"Get Well Soon" balloons to the hospital room of a family member of a
victim of the Hindenburg disaster, that's a no no.
Let us not cry over spilt milk. May we instead mourn with that spilt
are normal if you prefer cashing your checks to checking your cash.
Painting someone's portrait, that's a no no.
us not use floppy disks as nerdy coasters.
are normal if you dislike birds pooping on your car but birds are still
choice to do it.
Shaving in line at a buffet, that's a no no.
Let us not get life insurance for our earthworms.
You are normal if on death row you don't want your last meal to be fast
hot dogs at a puppy's funeral, that's a no no.
Let us not skip lunch if
that lunch is a tuna sandwich. The bread will get too soggy to skip
& the fish will find it offensive.
You are normal if you don’t like bad movie remakes & you don't
any fruit remakes.
a gun.. in front of his family.. days before retirement, that's a no no.
us not bludgeon owls because they keep asking us the same question over
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You are dumb if you spray tan exclusively with buttery garlic sauce.
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You are dumb if you think tickets to football games only cost 4
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You are dumb if you keep a giant soup pot strapped to your back to
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You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.
You are dumb if you've ever tried to wipe up a spill using a bone.
You are dumb if you buy six barrels of monkeys to have the funnest
party ever.. & you let the monkeys out of the barrels.
You are dumb if you're writing a musical about the joys of silence.
You are dumb if you think sleepwalking is when you put a leash
collar on a sleeping person & drag them around the neighborhood.
You are dumb if you think escalators are stairs that got scared of
people stepping on them so they tried to run away.
You are dumb if you cut off your hand so you could get five finger
You are dumb if when you can't get a song out of your head you reach
for a drill.
You are dumb if you think you have to get a liquor license before you
You are dumb if you train crickets to play cricket when you should have
been training them for the Olympic long jump.
You are dumb if you put hot sauce in the freezer to cool it off but
smart if you put hot sauce in the freezer to create hot ice.
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You are dumb if you refuse to become a drummer out of fear of being
caught by a snare drum.
You are dumb if you decided to be a cactus hugger instead of a tree
You are dumb if you think robbing a bank is rubbing a bank using a guy
You are dumb if you think bombs spell trouble.
You are dumb if you monitor your flatulence by keeping a live canary in
You are dumb if you risk your life renaming cheeses.
You are dumb if you think it is perfect weather for a skeleton.
You are dumb if you carry your blanky with you while you fight fires.
You are dumb if you think the space key on your keyboard is some kind
of awesome futuristic key that has something to do with outer space.
You are dumb if you're going to give someone an authentic puma claw
You are dumb if you use loose cranberry sauce as a stocking stuffer.
You are dumb if you think not having a musical bone in your body means
you have all your marrow.
You are dumb if you wear camouflage to assassinate trees.
You are dumb if you think pacifist means, "violent person" because it
sounds like "pass a fist."
You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be
cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.
are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have
are dumb if you think the present is an illusion fabricated by the past
paid for by the future.
9 Lessons of 2015
(based on Facebook & Vine likes)
9. You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is
that time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.
8. You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your
pizza are your own tears.
7. Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot of green &
see a lot of teeth.
6. You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.
5. Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of
4. The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord
over the harp.
3. You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.
2. You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.
1. The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every
barrel was a barrel of monkeys.
(as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
30. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
29. You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a
28. A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are
very very VERY hungry.
27. If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables.
Being a vegetable is not a good thing.
26. It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
25. Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their
wings as hotwings.
24. The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon
23. Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
22. You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever
assumes you are talking about politics.
21. You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to
be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.
20. All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are
19. You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive &
aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.
18. You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash
17. In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
16. You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play
princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you
could realistically aspire to.
15. The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their
jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to
or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return
14. Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by
13. There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for
12. If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader,
driving a clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass
11. You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans
& cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin'
10. A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard
9. You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper
for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.
8. Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into
7. Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side
up, & sometimes it's over easy.
6. You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box
except for yourself!
5. You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would
have more fun as ghosts.
4. You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other
people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the
shadows get with one another.
3. You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can
always win by default.
2. Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat"
as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.
1. You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to
settle down with.
All Lessons 2014-2015 (unless