Lessons 2015


Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day Collection
The Proverbial January, February is just the Tip of the Iceberg, Poor Man's March, April Fools & Wises, MiscelMaynia, Soon June, Julyfe:  Life Lessons, Alternate August, Sundrycember II, Oddtober II, No, No Normalvember, Dumbcember .091

The Proverbial January
1/1/15
The dog with the biggest bite is also the dog with the highest dentist bill.

1/2/15

The road less traveled has less pot holes, unless the local hillbillies warm their soup in it.

1/3/15

A buzzard without teeth & a clock with no hands are the same. You can use neither to tell time. That is unless they are both wearing digital watches.

1/4/15

A puzzle with 6-14 pieces missing is like a car missing its engine. Unless you've ever driven a car, in which case the comparison is laughable.

1/5/15

The road less traveled enunciates "quaff" no better than the motorway covered in marmalade.

1/6/15

You can't teach a fish to juggle cheese whiz but you can teach an elk how to limp.

1/7/15

A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very very VERY hungry.

1/8/15

An ambitious person without wings can fly just as high as a lazy bird that has no wings.

1/9/15

Sometimes the smallest people have the biggest hearts so shorties, go get that checked out by your doctor.

1/10/15

One bad apple spoils the whole bunch but the whole bunch, left uneaten, spoils together. So eat a whole bunch!

1/11/15

The weasel with the longest tail is easier stepped upon than the farthest asteroid.

1/12/15

Some people are best left alone & those people are already buried.

1/13/15

One man's rainbow is another man's "I'm not sure what you call it but it sure looks cool."

1/14/15

Money can't buy you contentment but it can buy you a gorilla that jogs in place.. if you're willing to shop around for a while.

1/15/15

The man with 7 houses does not have more to be thankful for than the man with one. Or is that the other way around?

1/16/15 [Vine Video]

The bigger the pillow, the more oblivious we are to the ostrich behind it.

1/17/15

The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over the harp.

1/18/15

Those who always keep their chin up will likely be scared of their own shadow.

1/19/15

A blister earned by hard work is far sweeter than a blister covered in motor oil & chalk dust.

1/20/15

Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of staples.

1/21/15

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.

1/22/15

You can teach a deaf man's parrot to talk, but.. why?

1/23/15

A child with a stick of butter is more powerful than imaginary ocelot fur.

1/24/15

The light at the end of the tunnel is always brighter than the light in the trunk while it's closed.

1/25/15

A wise man does not build his house on hairy ice but a wise man does stock his house with quality Ronco® products.

1/26/15

The smallest pebble can be thrown but the largest rock cannot be lifted. So in the end the tiny pebble makes the bigger splash. Likewise the smaller Cheeto dissolves in Mellow Yellow slower than the larger cheesepuff.

1/27/15

A pilot can steer the plane but the passenger doesn't have to.

1/28/15

People with their eyes closed cannot see the the glass as half full but they can still drink out of it.

1/29/15

Teach a kid to catch a football & he could become a millionaire. Teach a kid to juggle & he may never earn a cent.

1/30/15

The man who feels enslaved to his shoe strings needs to look up what the word "enslaved" means.

1/31/15

Whoever has the most gold doesn't win in the end but he sure can fix a lot of games while he's still around.

February is just the Tip of the Iceberg
2/1/15
Tip of the Iceberg:  "If an iceberg tells you, 'Come on in! The water is fine.' remember that temperature preference differs between the animate & inanimate."

2/2/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't wreck into me."

2/3/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "To boost their self-esteem whales stopped wearing clothes so they could always be skinny dipping."

2/4/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "I don't like ice breakers. I'm huge why would I like small talk?"

2/5/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Simply wear a chin guard & you are ready to ride a pretend sled."

2/6/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Statistics wrought by poller bears have a bias that is heavier than the bears themselves."

2/7/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "It's so cold where I live you can literally hold your breath underwater."

2/8/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Wearing snow shoes is only slightly better for crossing a bed a nails than a bed of hot coals. I suggest you use them for neither."

2/9/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "In the coming centuries if you ever go to an iceberg zoo, make sure to feed us iceberg lettuce to keep us from floating violently toward you."

2/10/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Not all of us Icebergs are Jewish. Some of us just married in."

2/11/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "I think you're the one that's slippery."

2/12/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Snow is not a good fertilizer."

2/13/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "You can actually see the wind but since it keeps giving you & everyone else the cold shoulder mankind has unconsciously chosen to ignore the sight of it."

2/14/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Ice fishing is best done with a net."

2/15/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't slip on me, it tickles."

2/16/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Last year I vacationed at the beach & lost 440,000 lbs!"

2/17/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't play polka near ice, it is too heartwarming."

2/18/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you have to shave your ice cream you shouldn't eat it."

2/19/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Where I come from water doesn't get ice cold, ice gets water cold."

2/20/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you don't want your snowmobile to have an accident put a diaper on it."

2/21/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you think really hard while you see your breath in the arctic it will become a brief thought cloud."

2/22/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Don't use ice cubes they are an affront to my kind."

2/23/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "If you're coming to see me bring some crayons. All I ever see is white & blue!"

2/24/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Penguins aren't flightless birds. They fly underwater. Hey whaddahya want from me? I'm an ice burg. I don't know the vocabulary for that underwater movin' thingy."

2/25/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Santa Claus used to travel by ship but I showed him!"

2/26/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "Never trust a seal to open your mail."

2/27/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "You can melt the entire polar ice caps with only 9 ramen seasoning packets."

2/28/15

Tip of the Iceberg:  "You can defrost anything with sunlight if you get close enough to the sun."

Poor Man's March
3/1/15
You know you're poor if you're still saving up for that other scis.

3/2/15

You know you're poor when you use birdbath water as the base of your soups.

You know you're poor when you squirt lemons in your eyes to go colorblind just so you won't be covetous.

3/3/15

You know you're poor when you can't afford to eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken so you eat at Puerto Rican Raw Bird.

You know you're poor when you use lightning bugs to light your house at night.

3/4/15

You know you're poor if instead of insurance you have well-probably-not-ance or mildly-unlikely-ance.

3/5/15

You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your pizza are your own tears.

3/6/15

You know you're poor when you use cheese as a mirror.

3/7/15

You know you're poor if you've antagonized someone because you were so hungry you'd settle for a knuckle sandwich.

You know you live in a poor city when the water tower ain't nothin' but knee high.

You know you're poor when your windshield looks like it's been used in an actual war.

3/8/15

You know you're poor when you couldn't afford tooth-picks so you had to settle for tooth-we-tell-you-what-to-dos. Emancipated tooth cleaning sticks just cost way too much!

3/9/15

You know you grew up poor when you encourage your kids to litter just so other folk can find somethin' real nice.

You know you're poor when the only crayon you can afford is the color blue.

3/10/15

You know you're poor when you've got a gun with no ammo, a soup with no moisture, a dog with no legs, a shirt with no front, & a scarf with no arf.

3/11/15

You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except for yourself!

3/12/15

You know you're poor when you get stuck in traffic & you aren't in a rush to get home because you're already home.

You know you're poor if you've never recycled aluminum cans because you need them for the coils in your homemade mattress.

You know you're poor if the only steak you've ever eaten was the steak to your tent because it was softened by protein filled termites.

3/13/15

You know you're poor if in lieu of buying a hat or sunglasses you only go outside when it is cloudy.

You know you're poor if the speedometer on your car never goes past zero either because it is broke or because you car is.

3/14/15

You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.

3/15/15

You know you're poor when your wardrobe consists of short, glass, & pant.

You know you're poor when you commit a crime just to get some free police tape to use as a clothes line.

3/16/15

You know you're poor if you only go to the movie theater to collect discarded ticket stubs so you can burn them for warmth.

3/17/15

Penny pinchers keep a sack of corroded pennies just so they won't go nuts on St. Patrick's Day.

3/18/15

You know you're poor when your favorite meal is shadow toast. Mmmm taste that shaddy!

You know you're poor if save your kid's hair clippings so you can give your kids beards for the winter because you can't afford scarves.

You know you're poor when you can pick up your pickup truck because you done sold all the parts off that dang thang.

3/19/15

You know you grew up poor if your parents asked you what you wanted for Christmas & you said "A firetruck!" so they just took the truck you already owned & set it on fire & gave it to you. Fortunately they didn't try to wrap that one & put it under the tree.

You know you're poor when the only reason you dye your hair is to either absorb or deflect the sun's warmth.

3/20/15

You know you're poor when you go to the mail room on your lunch break just so you can lick the envelopes for sustenance.

You know you're poor if your tires are retired.

3/21/15

You know you're poor when the blinker on your car just stares.

You know you're poor when instead of buying strawberry jam you buy imitation strawberry sortacrappydubstepsong.

3/22/15

You know you're poor when your idea of an air freshener is to just stop fartin'.

3/23/15

You know you're poor if you get into too much monkey business, which is any & all monkey related business ventures.

3/24/15

You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever assumes you are talking about politics.

3/25/15

You know you're poor that when you look for enough money to buy an air conditioner you have to settle for either an air-junkfooder, an air-heathrisker, or an air-baconsundae.

You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.

3/26/15

You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play as a princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you could realistically aspire to.

You know you're poor when the only basketball you've ever owned was made out of old baskets. It bounc'd a littl' bit.

3/27/15

You know you're poor if the closest thing you've ever had to a mirror is your finger nails after you ran em through your greasy hair.

You know you're poor when you have hardwood floors in your house.. because your floor is made of tipped over trees.

3/28/15

You know you're poor when instead of a cheese greater you've got a cheese worser.

3/29/15

You know you're poor when instead of painting your house, you sharpie it.

3/30/15

Flashback Edition:
You know you're poor when you're afraid to look at billboards because you're afraid you'll get charged for it.

You know you're poor if you've never had a birthday cake with candles to wish upon so you go to the scene of local fires & try to blow them out to make one big wish.

You know you're poor when your trash can doubles as your soup pot.

3/31/15

You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans & cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.

Very Poor Man's March Lesson Leftovers

April Fools & Wises
4/1/15
The wise man orders pizza in the morning. The fool orders pizza to do his morning chores.

4/2/15

The doofus peels his lemon with his eyes wide open but the smarty pants never shaves with glass.

4/3/15

The brainiac wears his clothes in winter but the blockhead wears winter in his clothes.

4/4/15

The clod refills his gastank with bees. But the virtuoso only fills his beetank with bees.

4/5/15

The nincompoop keeps all of his eggs in one carton but the maven hides his eggs throughout his yard more than once a year.

4/6/15

The pundit will buy watermelons with change whether sticky or loose. But the desperate ignoramus will try to split logs with chop sticks.

4/7/15

The Stanislaus has an extensive vocabulary & spells the word HAM nicely but the Bubba couldn't spell the word toast with a hammer.

4/8/15

The dignitarious doyen captures monkeys in cages but the pulp headed pupil irons apes instead of hiring a stylist.

4/9/15

The schmuck stores his winter coat in a freezer but the science-noggin uses mannequins as ringers in freeze tag.

4/10/15

The goon wears umbrellas on his feet but the graduate strategically hangs umbrellas from balloons for hands free dryness.

4/11/15

The fitness guru works out frequently but the laziness guru doesn't have to buy socks as often.

4/12/15

The esteemed expert explicates entertainingly. The goof uses "goof" as an insult.

4/13/15

The intellectual charms his or her constituents. The illiterate uses Lucky Charms to buy mice in Cardif, Wales.

4/14/15

The mixer modulates publicly but the monk high-fives in private.

4/15/15

The buffoon only knows the names of 5 colors but the boffo can color her hair a realistic red.

4/16/15

The binger stops a headache with pills but the Blargg prevents headaches caused by pounding plumbers by living in lava.

4/17/15

The prudent lad buries his comicbooks in mylar but the improvident chum buries his groceries behind the fence at the police station impound lot.

4/18/15

The erudite homeowner uses Liquid Plumber. The dumbudolt homeowner calls a plumber & melts him despite having no plumbing issue.

4/19/15

The mindscaper male portends pugilation but the Macho Man drops elbows from the top rope. OOOOH YEEAH!

4/20/15

The protester may sound like an optimist but is actually a pessimist. The antitester however is pro protests ending.

4/21/15

The old hand shakes hands to improve his status but the young hand literally rubs elbows until he is asked to leave.

4/22/15

The learned only indulge in candy as often as YOU think they should. The lout thinks the 1st M in M&M's stands for B & the 2nd M stands for lower case b.

4/23/15

The architect uses CAD software to create blueprints. The airhead eats blueberries to create blueprints & demands a refund when the prints turn out to be purple.

4/24/15

The magician sets things on fire only to entertain. The moron sets things IN fire repeatedly because he keeps trying to set things ON fire.

4/25/15

The inordinate dress in a revealing manner. The bordinate wear clothing with their revealing blog posts printed on them.

4/26/15

Greats pen memorable messages. Giddiots photobomb the blind.

4/27/15

The wittish buys a plane ticket to an island paradise. The wumpus removes the seeds from a strawberry, fills a hat with dirt, & leaves the hat on the floor.

4/28/15

The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for solodanas.

4/29/15

The thrifty superficial hunt for clothing deals at stores. The thrifty stuperficial look for clothes in decks of cards.

4/30/15

The bequeather passes down money to his family. The dequeather passes croquet mallets upfield at senior tee-ball games.

MiscelMaynia
5/1/15
If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a vegetable is not a good thing.

5/2/15

Everyone who ends up in a grave changes the world.

5/3/15

A bicycle without wheels is not a cycle at all.

5/4/15

If you own a black cat keep your kids in the corner so it can never cross their path.

5/5/15

Belenor's 11th sister was named Elanor.

5/6/15

If pennies were made of Lincoln impersonators they'd be worth more than 1 cent.

5/7/15

The reason we pay attention is because it is so valuable to others.

5/8/15

I guarantee my new line of steam soap will be a hot seller.

5/9/15 [2,000th Lesson]

Some people are such cowards when it comes down to it they can't even save a buck!

5/10/15

Burying bunnies in a cotton field is like giving them unmarked graves.

5/11/15

This is a trick question.

5/12/15

The first name "Real" will grow in popularity so future generations' twitter handles will make more sense.

5/13/15

The word "good" doesn't look good. It is filled with holes!

5/14/15

Robots will use curly landline phone cords for their weaves. So keep some extras in your pockets because fembots will rob you for phone cords instead of money.

5/15/15

If someone tells you "I'm quite a catch," remember in fishing quite catches are hard to get.

5/16/15

If a ghost invited you to dinner you would be eating alive animals & fruits attached to roots.

5/17/15

If there was just one parachute left on earth it would only be useful for jumping off of a cliff.

5/18/15

It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.

5/19/15

In some cultures they wear pants to hold up their belts because their English is so bad they call pants belts.

5/20/15

Great minds actually think exactly alike but when born in different time zones they think 1 or more hours off from each other.

5/21/15

Werewolves suffer from narcolepsy & amnesia.

5/22/15

Recipes are food for thought.

5/23/15

Keep your chin up, stop looking at your phone all the time.

5/24/15

All of us can shoot spider webs, with our guns.

5/25/15

Greedy parachutes take too many people along.

5/26/15

If it weren't for ghost repairmen there would be a whole lot more resurrections.

5/27/15

The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel was a barrel of monkeys.

5/28/15

You eat a lot of corn if you have cob webs.

5/29/15

Be glad buttons aren't mini-zippers instead.

5/30/15

Since mummies & zombies are dead they also have ghosts, yet you never see them team up with their ghosts.

5/31/15

This is how a robot types goodnight.

Soon June
6/1/15

Soon TVs will start to watch us back & promptly wish they could change the channel.

6/2/15

Soon salmon will start preventing forest fires just to make Smokey look like an idiot.

6/3/15

Soon other brands of food will have names similar to I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!®, such as:  I Can Totally Believe It's Not Charred Cantaloupe®, I Would Like to Believe It Doesn't Contain Pig Anus Hotdogs®, I'm Having Trouble Believing It's Taste is Worth It Ricecakes®, & I Believe This is Tasty But Don't Believe in God Atheikosher Pickles.

6/4/15

Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by lonely mutes.

6/5/15

Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into becoming PBsexuals.

6/6/15

Soon Hollywood will go bankrupt after a boycott of films with "Rise of" or "Resurrection" in the title.

6/7/15

Soon the tatthree will replace the tattoo because it will come with bluetooth.

6/8/15

Soon cell phones will again be called mobile phones. They will have legs & they will come when we call.

6/9/15

Soon shoes will rise up & become stinky hats.

6/10/15

Soon machetes will find everyday kitchen usage after linoleum becomes fertile.

6/11/15

Soon people will stop saying "sooner or later" because sooner is still always later. In its place will be, "sooner or less sooner."

6/12/15

Soon flying cars will be getting stuck in your potato salad.

6/13/15

Soon all payphones will have cameras too as photo booth makers & phone booth makers join "forces."

6/14/15

Soon many sports will cease to exist after all spheres evolve into a new 5D without any of the Ds being the 3 we know & love.

6/15/15

Soon firefighting will be fighting like prowrestling is fighting. Our firefighter heroes will begin to work together with the villainous fire we love to boo to put on a good show.

6/16/15

Soon roosters will unite for a global alarm clock heist.

6/17/15

Soon Disney will send marketing messages to fetuses through ultrasounds.

6/18/15

Soon ants will be trained to bring food to share at picnics.

6/19/15

Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their wings as hotwings.

6/20/15

Soon the lazy will rise up & create a social justice movement because of all the discrimination they've suffered. Boy that sounds like a lot of work, nevermind.

6/21/15

Soon the Penultimate Fighting Championship will be founded & fights will take place in a 7 sided Mocktagon.

6/22/15

Soon Morse Code will make a comeback as the first form of communication that can be sent directly to your mind.

6/23/15

Soon Apple will introduce the Apple Ankle Monitor to help enforce consequences & boundaries for addicts, ex-cons, & dieters. Sadly only the richest & suckerest of people will be able to afford it.

6/24/15

Soon trash cans will take themselves out because their lives stink.

6/25/15

Soon ghost hunters will be exposed as frauds by very successful ghost fishers.

6/26/15

Soon in the US Lays will release crisp flavored potato chips. Nerds who can taste semantics will buy them in droves.

6/27/15

Soon peaches will finally grow mustaches.

6/28/15

Soon MMA will inspire other arts to mix together. Tattoo artists will be accompanied by interpretive dancers. Graffiti artists will tag urban locations while jazz bands improv a soundtrack to their work. Poetry will be primarily written during laser shows. Movies will have music & paintings in them.

6/29/15

Soon politically correct terms will be replaced with single syllable terms because most racists will be revealed as lazy rather than prejudice because the number of syllables in political correct terms are higher than those in prejudice terms.

6/30/15

Soon the making of violent video games will come to an end as the human race comes to an end.

Julyfe:  Life Lessons
7/1/15 [Vine Video]

Life is like a potato. It doesn't start out very clean.

7/2/15

Life is like the game of Life except there aren't a lot of topless family sedans.

7/3/15

Life is like a bottle of ketchup. The red on the inside is very important.

7/4/15

Life is like a fire. It produces light & warmth.

7/5/15

Life used to be like the open sea. The people who said "Yo Ho" were considered outcasts.

7/6/15

Life is like an onion. Sometimes it makes you cry. Other times it tastes great.

7/7/15 [Vine Video]

Life is like a cat. You spend a lot of time sleeping & wanting to be petted.

7/8/15 [Vine Video]

Modern life is like a police car. There are a lot of lights & loud noises.

7/9/15 [Vine Video]

Life is like a balloon. It can come in animal shapes.

7/10/15

Life is like a pie, flaky & sticky but sweet all around.

7/11/15

Life is like a spider web, fragile yet strong & easily blown by the wind.

7/12/15

Life is like a greeting card. The givers mean more than the words.

7/13/15

Life is like that time when you're not dead. Ohh what's it called, you know what I'm talking about.

7/14/15

Life is like Life Cereal, we call them both by the same name.

7/15/15

Life is like a vine. Sometimes it is in full swing, sometimes it is all tangled up.

7/16/15

Life is like an apple, the sweetness is around the core.

7/17/15

Life is like a little teapot, short & stout.

7/18/15

Life is like a playground. It is more fun with friends.

7/19/15

Life is like money. You spend it on what you love or what you owe.

7/20/15

Life is like a calzone, warm & gooey on the inside.

7/21/15

Life is like a straw. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it blows. Sometimes you can just drink it all in.

7/22/15 [Vine Video]

Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot of green & you'll see a lot of teeth.

7/23/15 [Vine Video]

Life is like a jet plane, few are trained to operate it properly.

7/24/15 [Vine Video]

Life is like a car. With more money you get a smoother ride.

7/25/15

Life is like a beach. Sure you leave footprints everywhere you go but the butt prints leave the greatest impression.

7/26/15

Life is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it makes you scream with joy. Other times it makes you want to puke.

7/27/15

Life is like a movie but much much longer & cheaper.

7/28/15

Life is like a knife. Sometimes it is about cutting, sometimes cutting up. And like a knife life can spread.

7/29/15

Life is like a calendar. It begins on a certain date & ends on a certain date.

7/30/15

Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up, & sometimes it's over easy.

7/31/15

Life is like a taco buffet. There is a whole lot of crap after it ends.

Alternate August
8/1/15
Dominoes can be used to simulate bookshelf collapses.

8/2/15

A hollowed out CRT tv can be used as a giant pasta strainer or a very leaky & pointless foot bath.

8/3/15

Junk mail & phone books make great temporary toys for toddlers.

8/4/15

You can use brownies as delicious elbow or kneepads.

8/5/15

You can use a cheese grater to test any nerve on the surface of your body.

8/6/15

Properly lit kettle steam can make a convincing whistling ghost to young people who know not what a kettle is.

8/7/15

If you eat all but one kernel from a corn cob that's a unicorn.

8/8/15

Replace your bindle with a briefcase & you'll look like the richest hobo in the city.

8/9/15

To hypnotize birds you can attach a flexible roll-up piano to a zebra on a merry-go-round.

8/10/15

Drive wooden stakes around the perimeter of your domicile to act as a buffetesque termite deterrent.

8/11/15

Some bugs can save you from downing if you put them in your nose.

8/12/15

Coins & strings can help you style your tan.

8/13/15

Throwing enough black cats through mirrors can send you around the orbit of bad luck into stupendous luck.

8/14/15

A fishing pole can be used as a grappling hook to climb a building, if you have a highly trained fish or the building is under water.

8/15/15

There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for example.

8/16/15

Giant monsters can use baseball stadiums as engagement rings. Since all baseball diamonds are the same size, there is no jealously in the monster world.

8/17/15

Diapers make excellent rain bonnets.

8/18/15

Rub ash on your feet to pretend like you've walked a long way without shoes.

8/19/15

Topless buses stood on end make great ladders.

8/20/15

A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard enough.

8/21/15

You can use bibles in place of kevlar to make a superior bullet proof vest.

8/22/15

Basketballs make great bouncers for private orange parties.

8/23/15

A common steak knife can be used as a forgiveness tester (requires some lite to vigorous stabbing). You decide what to stab:  pillows, pets, waterbeds, tires, sandwiches, balloons, trees, "other," or even knife handles.

8/24/15

A divining rod that has gathered moss will lead you to swamp water.

8/25/15

If you can't afford dark chocolate just eat regular chocolate with the lights off.

8/26/15

A paddle can not only be used as an oar but also as a flotation device for legless dogs who cannot doggie paddle themselves.

8/27/15

Replace your outdoor ceiling fan's blades with swords to chop up unwelcome bugs, birds, & overly curious cats.

8/28/15

Lumber can be used to visually simulate water if you have a blue marker.

8/29/15

A pile of aluminum cans makes a great affordable security system.

8/30/15

Only a few years of unused Christmas sweaters can create an excellent winter hammock. Normal hammock's mesh is too wide to sustain warmth but my patented sweater hammock is great for sitting next to the outdoor fall fire, aside from the excessive flammability.

8/31/15

If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.

Sundrycember II
9/1/15
The future was now.

9/2/15

Summer time is the best time to have feelings because if you get hotheaded you'll burn up, if you get cold hearted you'll warm up, if you get pigheaded they'll cook you on July 4th!

9/3/15

The word conundrum looks like the sounds a drum makes.

9/4/15

By & large is easy. By & small is harder.

9/5/15

Statistics are perhaps the best dehumanizing way to help us learn about humans.

9/6/15

No roads can talk so when we judge the roads we are on we put gravelly words in their mouth to fill their pot holes.

9/7/15

The only people you have to feel bad about not getting Christmas presents for are people whose birthdays are Dec. 26-31 because everyone else has already had presents on their birthday earlier in the year.

9/8/15

Smokey the bear is actually pro forest fire that is why he refuses to take responsibility.

9/9/15

When Thing T. Thing dies & becomes a ghost he won't be able to find his way around because he has no eyes & will not be able to touch walls.

9/10/15

Everyone has a dark heart because it is inside their chest.

9/11/15

There is no such thing as a fake color.

9/12/15

You don't earn nickels from chopping pennies.

9/13/15

Don't order toast online. It's not hot when you get it in the mail & if you re-heat it in the toaster, it burns.

9/14/15

You can lose a fight to the death & survive, if the death is of your pride.

9/15/15

The opposite of a puddle is a dry hill.

9/16/15

If live wires make you chuckle don't take them internally. The type of laughter that will produce isn't the best medicine.

9/17/15

If someone asks for your first name make sure they don't mean chronologically.

9/18/15

Bottling sand is like making a chicken coop out of KFC.

9/19/15

There's dark chocolate & there's milk chocolate because milk isn't dark.

Lesson Mania Week

9/20/15
Day 1- 3 Lessons
The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.

A cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.

All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.

9/21/15

Day 2- 3 Lessons
Chess players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate" after winning.

Everybody is always intense, the present tense.

Upping the steaks is bad for tents.

9/22/15

Day 3- 3 Lessons
It is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."

Getting hugged by a zipper hurts!

Never shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin sauce & take a bite out of ya.

9/23/15

Day 4- 3 Lessons
If you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras don't say anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot. "People spend billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"

If you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a replacement head at no extra charge.

Noodles make us all suck.

9/24/15

Day 5- 3 Lessons
For optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent helplessness of women but the high value of daughters.

We are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.

Outerspace is a spaceship's yard.

9/25/15

Day 6- 3 Lessons
The reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even poorer they have some fat stored up to help them survive.

In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.

Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.

9/26/15

Day 7- 3 Lessons
Set a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will rain firey leaves.

Those who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad at saving money.

I we see I

End of Mania Week

9/27/15

Ketchup found in captivity is always anal. Ketchup in the glass bottle stubbornly refuses to come out & ketchup in the plastic bottle farts about.

9/28/15

Cheaters try to pass the test, in more ways than one.

9/29/15

Human value is not comparable to numbers, where one person is greater than another. Human value is more like an alphabet where no letter is greater than another. Each letter looks different & sounds different yet they are always intersecting to make something great together.

9/30/15

You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.

Oddtober II
10/1/15
You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish hook.

10/2/15

You are weird if you watch primetime tv.. with intact paper sacks over your head, hands, & remote.

10/3/15

You are weird if you are just shy.. of speaking 600 words per minute.

10/4/15 [Vine Video]

You are weird if on sunny days you try to talk the sky into seeing your therapist because it looks blue.

10/5/15

You are weird if you wish others happy birthday.. as your birthday wish when you blow out your candles.

10/6/15 [Vine Video]

You are weird if you put Betamax tapes in cocoons hoping they'll transform into Blu-Ray discs.

10/7/15

You are weird if when someone says, "You'll never guess who I ran into today!" you grab a hidden duffel bag & disappear from their lives forever.

10/8/15

You are weird if you regularly go shopping.. for camels in Alaska.

10/9/15

You are weird if you take pictures of the summer breeze blowing above your head.

10/10/15 [Vine Video]

You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.

10/11/15

You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.

10/12/15

You are weird if you never say "never".. and you speak English.

10/13/15

You are weird if you take responsibility.. for inventing the steam engine.. on your resume.. while trying to get a job at a business you just started & interviewing yourself in an unlit trunk.

10/14/15

You are weird if tuck your kilt into your socks.

10/15/15

You are weird if you like to give mad props to actors.

10/16/15

You are weird if you cut watermelon.. out of your will.. as an inheritance because they spoil faster than you do.

10/17/15

You are weird if you catch snowflakes so you can clone them to throw the world into disarray.

10/18/15

You are weird if your pantry is full of cans.. of WiFi.

10/19/15 [Vine Video]

You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.

10/20/15 [Vine Video]

You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always win by default.

10/21/15

You are weird if you think America is going downhill.. because a mountain of lobster eggs is growing under it soon to tilt us all into the ocean. But on the bright side people on the east coast will have the longest, awesomest slide ever.

10/22/15

You are weird if you mark important dates on your calendar.. with your urine.

10/23/15 [Vine Video,
Image]
You are weird if you think paragraphs jump out of paper planes.

10/24/15 [Vine Video]

You are weird if you bury your beloved pets.. under other people's potted plants.

10/25/15

You are weird if like to light farts.. in hospital nurseries.

10/26/15

You are weird if you have a tree in your yard.. that won't shut up about its fear of being turned into a push broom. We all know push brooms are the most honorable broom.

10/27/15

You are weird if you feel like a million bucks.. being burned in front of hundreds of poor people.

10/28/15

You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get with one another.

10/29/15
[Bitstrip]
You are weird if you took other kids' lunch money.. to prom.

10/30/15

You are weird if you never wear sandals because you don't want the NSA to have data on your toes.

10/31/15

You are weird if you weep openly when a loved one dies.. their hair.

No, No Normalvember
11/1/15
You are normal if you prefer luxury cruises to luxury colonoscopies.

11/2/15

Sporting a comb-over in a cancer ward, that's a no no.

11/3/15

Let us not use sub sandwich bazookas for evil.

11/4/15

You are normal if you don't like getting apples from a shady person but don't mind getting apples from a shady tree.

11/5/15

Dancing without a helmet, that's a no no.

11/6/15

Let us not reverse the gravity of the oceans to create a global bidet.

11/7/15

You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive & you aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.

11/8/15

Donating your blood to a soup kitchen, that's a no no.

11/9/15

Let us not serve cucumber oatmeal to invading aliens.

11/10/15

You are normal if you can enjoy a ham & cheese sandwich but you have trouble finding positive the aspects of ham & cheese soda.

11/11/15

Verbally taking a vow of silence, that's a no no.

11/12/15

Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat" as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.

11/13/15

You are normal if you like syrup on your pancakes but you don't like syrup in your socks.. unless there are pancakes in your socks too.

11/14/15

Wearing a bowtie to a funeral, that's a no no.

11/15/15

Let us not cuddle a half dozen bound pigeons instead of using a pillow.

11/16/15

You are normal if you like receiving free prizes but don't like receiving free savage beatings.

11/17/15

Bringing "Get Well Soon" balloons to the hospital room of a family member of a victim of the Hindenburg disaster, that's a no no.

11/18/15

Let us not cry over spilt milk. May we instead mourn with that spilt milk.

11/19/15

You are normal if you prefer cashing your checks to checking your cash.

11/20/15

Painting someone's portrait, that's a no no.

11/21/15

Let us not use floppy disks as nerdy coasters.

11/22/15

You are normal if you dislike birds pooping on your car but birds are still your first choice to do it.

11/23/15

Shaving in line at a buffet, that's a no no.

11/24/15

Let us not get life insurance for our earthworms.

11/25/15

You are normal if on death row you don't want your last meal to be fast food.

11/26/15

Serving hot dogs at a puppy's funeral, that's a no no.

11/27/15

Let us not skip lunch if that lunch is a tuna sandwich. The bread will get too soggy to skip & the fish will find it offensive.

11/28/15

You are normal if you don’t like bad movie remakes & you don't like any fruit remakes.

11/29/15

Firing a gun.. in front of his family.. days before retirement, that's a no no.

11/30/15

Let us not bludgeon owls because they keep asking us the same question over & over.

Dumbcember .091

12/1/15 [Vine Video]
You are dumb if you spray tan exclusively with buttery garlic sauce.

12/2/15
[Vine Video]
You are dumb if you think tickets to football games only cost 4 quarters.

12/3/15
[Vine Video]
You are dumb if you keep a giant soup pot strapped to your back to intimidate vegetables.

12/4/15
[Vine Video]
You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.

12/5/15

You are dumb if you've ever tried to wipe up a spill using a bone.

12/6/15

You are dumb if you buy six barrels of monkeys to have the funnest party ever.. & you let the monkeys out of the barrels.

12/7/15

You are dumb if you're writing a musical about the joys of silence.

12/8/15

You are dumb if you think sleepwalking is when you put a leash & collar on a sleeping person & drag them around the neighborhood.

12/9/15

You are dumb if you think escalators are stairs that got scared of people stepping on them so they tried to run away.

12/10/15

You are dumb if you cut off your hand so you could get five finger discounts.

12/11/15

You are dumb if when you can't get a song out of your head you reach for a drill.

12/12/15

You are dumb if you think you have to get a liquor license before you can drink.

12/13/15

You are dumb if you train crickets to play cricket when you should have been training them for the Olympic long jump.

12/14/15

You are dumb if you put hot sauce in the freezer to cool it off but smart if you put hot sauce in the freezer to create hot ice.

12/15/15
[Vine Video]
You are dumb if you refuse to become a drummer out of fear of being caught by a snare drum.

12/16/15

You are dumb if you decided to be a cactus hugger instead of a tree hugger.

12/17/15

You are dumb if you think robbing a bank is rubbing a bank using a guy named Rob.

12/18/15

You are dumb if you think bombs spell trouble.

12/19/15

You are dumb if you monitor your flatulence by keeping a live canary in your pants.

12/20/15

You are dumb if you risk your life renaming cheeses.

12/21/15

You are dumb if you think it is perfect weather for a skeleton.

12/22/15

You are dumb if you carry your blanky with you while you fight fires.

12/23/15

You are dumb if you think the space key on your keyboard is some kind of awesome futuristic key that has something to do with outer space.

12/24/15

You are dumb if you're going to give someone an authentic puma claw backscratcher.

12/25/15

You are dumb if you use loose cranberry sauce as a stocking stuffer.

12/26/15

You are dumb if you think not having a musical bone in your body means you have all your marrow.

12/27/15

You are dumb if you wear camouflage to assassinate trees.

12/28/15

You are dumb if you think pacifist means, "violent person" because it sounds like "pass a fist."

12/29/15

You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.

12/30/15

You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have more fun as ghosts.

12/31/15

You are dumb if you think the present is an illusion fabricated by the past & paid for by the future.

Top 9 Lessons of 2015 (based on Facebook & Vine likes)
9. You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.
8. You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your pizza are your own tears.
7. Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot of green & you'll see a lot of teeth.
6. You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.
5. Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of staples.
4. The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over the harp.
3. You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.
2. You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.
1. The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel was a barrel of monkeys.

Top 30 Lessons of 2015 (as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
30. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
29. You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish hook.
28. A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very very VERY hungry.
27. If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a vegetable is not a good thing.
26. It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
25. Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their wings as hotwings.
24. The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for solodanas.
23. Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
22. You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever assumes you are talking about politics.
21. You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.
20. All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.
19. You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive & you aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.
18. You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.
17. In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
16. You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you could realistically aspire to.
15. The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.
14. Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by lonely mutes.
13. There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for example.
12. If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.
11. You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans & cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.
10. A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard enough.
9. You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.
8. Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into becoming PBsexuals.
7. Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up, & sometimes it's over easy.
6. You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except for yourself!
5. You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have more fun as ghosts.
4. You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get with one another.
3. You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always win by default.
2. Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat" as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.
1. You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.

2014 | House | 2016
All Lessons 2014-2015 (unless noted)
Piemerica

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