Lessons 2016



Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day Collection
Jubilant January, Frightful February, Motivationalish March, Astonishing April, Wordplay May, Soon June II, Julyfe Hacks, Animal August, Sundrycember III, Oddtober III, No.vember, Don'tcember

Jubilant January
1/1/16
The great thing about sleeping through midnight on New Year's Day is that when you wake up, you know you've successfully slept all year long.

1/2/16

The great thing about losing a limb is that you get a phantom limb to replace it & a phantom limb sounds cooler than a regular limb.

1/3/16

Giving yourself a pat on the back is hard work. The reason you do it is because you've worked hard. So pat yourself on the forearm instead, it's easier.

1/4/16

Eyes make everything easier, especially getting poked in the eye.

1/5/16

Nature would love it if we burned down all the trees! I'm referring to Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the trees!"

1/6/16

It is fun for people to have thinks about you in their thoughter.

1/7/16
[Vine Video]
The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception of cube.

1/8/16

Toast is great because you can use it for stubble simulations.

1/9/16

The great thing about hands is that they double as egg holders, if you have some eggs handy.

1/10/16

The great thing about having big hands is that you can pick up more debris per bendover.

1/11/16

The great thing about not having big muscles is that you can be a better spelunker, more easily fitting through tight cave crevices .

1/12/16

The great thing about being distracted easily is that someday you'll make one special robber very very happy.

1/13/16

Blueberries aren't blue on the inside because they've had good lives.

1/14/16

"This is," I wrote, hoping to be humorous, "the great thing about commas."

1/15/16

The great thing about Darth Vader appearing on products is that it lets you know which ones to avoid. Someone from the dark side would only endorse low quality items that ruin your day.

1/16/16

If lack of snacks has you weeping openly, tears are great for satisfying your salty cravings!

1/17/16

One great thing about having a memory is when it remembers the end of a joke…

1/18/16

A peach is great because it's a fuzzy food that isn't rotten.

1/19/16
[Vine Video]
Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.

1/20/16
[Vine Video]
Brains are great because they can read this.

1/21/16

The great thing about some pawn shops is that they'll let you hock a hamhock.

1/22/16
[Vine Video]
The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.

1/23/16

A restaurant that delivers steak can drive a steak into your heart.

1/24/16

The great thing about atoms is that you can see them & not see them at the same time

1/25/16

The great thing about walls is that they can't talk!

1/26/16

The great thing about dinosaurs is that they can't make you fat.

1/27/16

The great thing about gloves is that you can give them the finger, in every sense.

1/28/16

The great thing about tourniquets is that no one has been named Tourniquet.. yet.

1/29/16

The great thing about finding poop on the floor is that it raises your heart rate.

1/30/16

Onions are great because you can throw them at lousy stage actors who failed to cry during a show to make them cry for real.

1/31/16

The great thing about ghosts is that they will never harm us. The only reason ghosts exist on earth is because they were too lazy to float to heaven.

Jubilant January Lesson Leftovers

Frightful February
2/1/16
The scary thing about waking up late is that you may sleep long enough to see the credits to your dream.

2/2/16
Phantom limbs are even scarier when they wear masks.

2/3/16
The scary thing about forearms is they are the only body part that are clearly labeled as to what they are for.

2/4/16
The scary thing about your eyes is they can see you but you can never see them.

2/5/16
The scary thing about trees is if you try to kill them they grow back & out live you.

2/6/16

Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you. The only thought anyone ever has about you is, "What do they think of me?"

2/7/16
The scary thing about pharaohs is that the first 14 pyramids were made out of ice cubes.

2/8/16
The scary thing about toast is if you burn it, it will get its revenge by ruining your breakfast.

2/9/16
The scary thing about fingers is it only takes one to blow up the whole world.

2/10/16
The scary thing about bending over in space is that it could send you into a tailspin.

2/11/16
The scary thing about caves is that one is probably below you right now!

2/12/16
The scary thing about distractions is that they make it so this joke isn't written very well.

2/13/16

The scary thing about blueberries is they are so sad they want you to eat them.

2/14/16
The scary thing about commas is that they bring everything to a halt.

2/15/16

The scary thing about stars is that they are cheating on their solar systems while shining upon us & once their planets find out about this we're in big trouble.

2/16/16

Crocodile tears are scary, especially considering most tears are snail tears.

2/17/16
Memories are scary because they keep track of everything you do.

2/18/16
The scary thing about peaches is when they get sad everyone thinks they are still just peachy.

2/19/16
Bank vaults increase the number of home break-ins by being so secure.

2/20/16
The scary thing about your brain is that it makes a backup copy into a turnip anytime you confuse radishes with turnips.

2/21/16
The scary thing about hamburgers is that you can get them anywhere, except the places that need them the most.

2/22/16
The scary thing about standing still for a long time is that a line may form behind you & you may have to lead them to greatness.

2/23/16
The scary thing about steaks is that when the steaks are high you know they've been pumped with GMOs.

2/24/16
The scary thing about atoms is that they hid in plain sight for 1,000s of years.
   
2/25/16
The scary thing about walls when a building collapses is they expect us to return the favor for leaning on them by "leaning" on us.

2/26/16
The scary thing about dinosaurs is that they actually went extinct by bullying because all the other animals called them big boned.

2/27/16
Jet powered gloves give the scariest high fives.

2/28/16
The skeleton key to stopping bullying is to give your kid an intimidating name. No one would dare bully in a school full of kids named Thanos Norris & Rhonda Xena.

2/29/16
The scary thing about onions is when you hack them to bits, they make you cry, even if you didn't know them very well.

The scary thing about ghosts is that there is no solid evidence that they exist.. unless this is the afterlife & we are all the ghosts of golems.

Finding a spider in the blankets is scary but finding a blanket in the spiders is a whole nuther kind o disturbing.

The scariest floors are transicerink.

Motivationalish March
3/1/16
Rome wasn't built in a day, but Lego Rome.. it's worth a shot!

3/2/16

People who believe "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" have already fell for something stupid.

3/3/16

Be yourself so if you become famous you can make twice as much money by moonlighting as an impersonator of yourself.

3/4/16

What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a pointless waste of time.

3/5/16

It takes just as much brain power to spell the word sasquatch as it does to know sasquatches don't exist.

3/6/16

It's not the highest number you can count to that matters but the highest number you can count on.

3/7/16

It is not the hardest working ant that is remembered but the one that mysteriously bursts into flames.

3/8/16

In an argument "always" always never means always.

3/9/16

Throw some curvy lines into the wind to pretend to live in a drawing.

3/10/16

Frequently typing "lol" is the cure for hypochondria.

3/11/16

Tomorrow never begins or ends.

3/12/16

The night daylight saving time begins is the ideal night to break your "latest I've ever stayed up" record.

3/13/16

Even the shiniest toast was once a glitterless piece of bread.

3/14/16

Authors abbreviate their names to save ink in their books so they make more money from each copy.

3/15/16

Put boxing gloves on a gorillas hands & feet to invent the hilarious new quadraboxing.

3/16/16

All e's are relative e's. That's why they look so much alike.

3/17/16

The best day to be covertly envious is Street Patrick's Day.

3/18/16

Tragedy strikes because if it didn't knock down all the pins it wouldn't be a tragedy.

3/19/16

Mysteries are more interesting that facteries.

3/20/16

Collecting snow globes as you travel sure beats collecting regular globes.

3/21/16

If you are invited to participate in a "dramatic robbery reenactment" don't do it. It's gonna be a real robbery.

3/22/16

All alien abductions are hoaxes perpetrated by short, green, big headed rapists from another planet.

3/23/16

Aging is genetic. If you don't believe me, talk to your parents tomorrow.

3/24/16

You can be most successful at fly fishing if you use a net made of double sided tape.

3/25/16

In ye olden days finding your lost phone was easy. You just followed the cord from the jack to the phone.

3/26/16

If you don't drown your sorrows they'll eventually commit suicide anyway.

3/27/16

You can speak to someone from the past by texting them because every text message received was typed in the past but what is said with the voice occurs in the present.

3/28/16

The world record for most tetanus shots taken in a fortnight is still up for grabs. #goals

3/29/16

One of the coolest things about bakeries is that the donut ponchos are free.

3/30/16

Some like to give homeless people money. Others like to give money a home.

3/31/16

Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything.. except getting others to believe in you. You probably won't be able to reverse reincarnate either or teach a koala to make you a decent boiled salad.

Astonishing April
4/1/16
The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!

4/2/16

Hippos are deadly because they aren't lively.

4/3/16

China has more English speakers than the United States, that's why "Made in China" is never written in Chinese.

4/4/16

A flock of crows is known as a murder & that thing you did to that guy who stopped moving forever, that's a murder too, even though you didn't see any crows nearby.

4/5/16

Fingernails never stop growing. That means one day they'll be mature enough to accept you for who you are, someone who has a really itchy butt.

4/6/16

No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted, after that you can't tell them apart.

4/7/16

I is the shortest word that is typed with only the right hand.

4/8/16

Hundreds of cannibals die of starvation every day but then they are eaten by the other cannibals so everything works out.

4/9/16

11% of the world is left-handed, 89% is right-handed, 1% is ambidextrous.

4/10/16

All porcupines float in water, except the bald ones with holes in them.

4/11/16

The average Kodiak Marmoset laughs zero times a day.

4/12/16

The deathspan of a fruit fly is 1 moment.

4/13/16

A cat's purring doesn't echo in outerspace.

4/14/16

98% of Japanese are cremated, the other 2% are still alive.

4/15/16

"Hello" is a quote from 4,600+ movies.

4/16/16

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. Why they're just sitting in the basement is anyone's guess.

4/17/16

Earthworms have 5 hearts. Their Valentine's Day cards are insane.

4/18/16

Slugs have 4 noses & so does the average dad.

4/19/16

The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is considered average in America.

4/20/16

1 in 400 chickens is a human who was successfully hypnotized into a full species transition.

4/21/16

The human body is comprised of 80% water, most of which are the tears we hold back.

4/22/16

The cheese slice was invented in the 13th century & modeled after the sun which was then believed to be a flat square.

4/23/16

Just 23 bars of soap can produce enough suds to fill the entire Grand Canyon gift shop.

4/24/16

A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. I bet you thought they used buckets.

4/25/16

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale. Why this hasn't been made into a video game remains a mystery.

4/26/16

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones. There are also more plastic ninja turtles than real ones.

4/27/16

There are more clocks in this world than there are hours in a day.

4/28/16

Vegetables grown in Alaska grow gigantic due to longer exposure to the sun. Vegetables grown on the sun are planet sized & already cooked. Yummerific!

4/29/16

Dogs are colorblind. That's why you never see any K9 art critics.

4/30/16

Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That number is expected to rise significantly next month, when flying cars become the norm.

Wordplay May
5/1/16
A person who doesn't have a will & keeps all of his money under his bed has an heir mattress.

5/2/16

If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, let it die again.

5/3/16

Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president.

5/4/16

The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is because smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're using our phones.

5/5/16

Don't write a book. Books can't write back.

5/6/16

Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

5/7/16

If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.

5/8/16

A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.

5/9/16

Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in it.

5/10/16

Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.

5/11/16

A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."

5/12/16

Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.

5/13/16

Don't get wasted but don't get used either.

5/14/16

Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't a lot of rope hanging around.

5/15/16

Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.

5/16/16

Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside. You've gotta choose a side!

5/17/16

A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.

5/18/16

Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the other side as a mechanic!

5/19/16

Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.

5/20/16

Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.

5/21/16

Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.

5/22/16

Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.

5/23/16

Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies shooting you with love arrows of their own.

5/24/16

Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.

5/25/16

If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top bunk.

5/26/16

The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.

5/27/16

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.

X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.

5/28/16

Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.

Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in front of reality.

5/29/16

Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.

5/30/16

Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.

5/31/16

If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!

Soon June II
6/1/16
Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.

6/2/16

Soon the vegetables you refused to eat as a kid will call you from their deathbeds to thank you for allowing them to lead long, rich lives.

6/3/16

Soon people will not only sneak into movie theaters but also into the homes of Netflix subscribers.

6/4/16

Soon shadow boxing will be called Wi-Fi punching.

6/5/16

Soon cats will become even lazier. Instead of walking in front of us to trip us they will bat marbles towards our feet to trip us from afar.

6/6/16

Soon a "Why?" button will appear alongside the Google Search button to help parents answer their toddlers' questions.

6/7/16

Soon the lion will lay down with the lamb because the nation's zoos will become overcrowded.

6/8/16

Soon voice recognition software will be needlessly replaced by expensive typing drones.

6/9/16

Soon the criteria for a species being endangered will be if every member of the species can fit into a clown car.

6/10/16

Soon the Michelin Man will marry the Goodyear Blimp & she will lay balloons as eggs.

6/11/16

Soon humans from another dimension will visit us but because their dimension is so small, we’ll never know it.

6/12/16

Soon dropping the mic will extend to boom mics & thousands will die.

6/13/16

Soon dinosaurs will return from outer space to look for a lost set of keys.

6/14/16

Soon Peter Pan will take all of his peanut butter back to Neverland.

6/15/16

Soon some w's mill identify as m's.

6/16/16

Soon other seasonings will be added to the ocean & we’ll all have fish soup.

6/17/16

Soon armies of the world will unite against history's greatest foe, illiteracy.

6/18/16

Soon self-driving cars will try to also learn putting.

6/19/16

Soon people won't think of fries when they see McDonalds golden arches because the arches look like fries, but because they found out that the fries are made of the same material as the arches.

6/20/16

Soon firefighters will be overworked when cats start growing on trees.

6/21/16

Soon autocorrect will correct prejudice & bullying. "You mother appreciating.." "You human angel.." "You are an intelligent advocate for positive change.."

6/22/16

Soon cruise ships will take vacations in the desert.

6/23/16

Soon staples will take up yoga, causing papers to loosen free & travel back to their home world of Gazpacho Moncton.

6/24/16

Soon smart phones will become obsolete when super genius phones are invented.

6/25/16

Soon kaleidoscopes will become so popular that people will collide with each other while walking around looking into them. The impact of the collision will be so great that it will create a kaleidoscope of its own.

6/26/16

Soon the hole in the top of traffic cones will have free single scoop ice cream cones stored in them during winter, as God intended.

6/27/16

Soon heptagons will be replaced with bigons.

6/28/16

Soon the ghosts of tacos will haunt your bowels.

6/29/16

Soon zebras will be arrested for the extinction of unicorns.

6/30/16

Soon after the next major election, riots will become so widespread that people will be willing to loot lutes.

⛏Julyfe Hacks⛏
7/1/16
To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.

7/2/16

Can't remember your passwords? Pay someone to remember them for you. Make sure to give them the password to your bank account too so they can pay themselves to spare you the hassle.

7/3/16

Dress up as a valet to get free cars.

7/4/16

A leopard can't change it spots but you can change a leopard spots into Wi-Fi hotspots.

7/5/16

Abandon your car in a no parking zone to have it towed away for free.

7/6/16

Leave behind cash at your crime scenes so no one is mad at you for committing crimes.

7/7/16

Shut up mouthy sock puppets by putting shoes on their heads.

7/8/16

To control portion size flip your plate over & eat out of the small rim on its underside.

7/9/16

Need to pop a lot of balloons after a party? Use a bed of nails.

7/10/16

Collect your dandruff to use as decorative snow during the holidays.

7/11/16

To eat less spin around in your desk chair 43 times before lunch.

7/12/16

Need to prop up your cell phone to watch videos? Visit a grave yard & rob a forearm. Phones fit great between the radius & the ulna.

7/13/16

Open your microwave after dark to use it as a night light.

7/14/16

Take pictures with random young black people to impress your friends by claiming you meet a lot of cool underground rappers.

7/15/16

Don't like how your legs look? Pour BBQ sauce into your nylons, put them on, wear them out & people will say you look "Saucy!"

7/16/16

Need to find where your air mattress is leaking? Fill it up with water & use a divining rod to find the leaks.

7/17/16

Lost your glasses? Go to one of those nerd conventions they're always having & wail on some nerds' until you find the right prescription.

7/18/16

Got dirty feet from walking around the house? Tip your cat over & use him as a rug. As a bonus he'll enjoy the belly rub.

7/19/16

Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.

7/20/16

Use a t-shirt canon at the laundromat to get your shirts into loads for free.

7/21/16

A toaster can be used as an alarm clock with a very short snooze.

7/22/16

At your next fiesta fill piñatas with taco ingredients & give out taco salad bowls to catch them.

7/23/16

Bowling balls can be used as wrecking balls for dog houses.

7/24/16

Find someone who has the same name as you & copy their signature. Because you’ll be forging & not forging at the same time you’ll have that sweet sweet legal ambiguity!

7/25/16

All soda is club soda if you hit people with the bottle.

7/26/16

A syrupy bowling lane increases the challenge.

7/27/16

Burn onion incense so others will mourn with you.

7/28/16

When you drop a salad it makes an awesome mountain range for small bugs. If it has that purpley lettuce thing, it makes it feel like America.

7/29/16

Wear mini-wheelbarrows as rings to have seasonings on the go.

7/30/16

If you bury your beloved dead fish in the desert your heart can pretend it lived a long life until after all of the oceans dried up. #DeathHack

7/31/16

Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!

🐔Animal August🐔
8/1/16
Which came first the chicken or the egg? They both came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.

8/2/16

Survival tip: Any animal who runs from you as you hold up BBQ sauce is edible.

8/3/16

Whale owners would have the best pools if they’d get those dumb whales out of there so we’d have room for a swim.

8/4/16

Lemmings would seem less dumb if they wore falcon hoods.

8/5/16

Clams are a terrible pillow stuffing.

8/6/16

Crabs shrunken by wizards don’t use pasta as shells because no one wants to live inside a wet noodle.

8/7/16

It is difficult to think on the fly without squishing the fly but it is still safer than thinking on the bee with no shoes.

8/8/16

Feather dusters are actually only meant to be used on knick knack birds.

8/9/16

If you teach a man to fish make sure he doesn't live in the desert.

8/10/16

The best place to abandon your pets is a petting zoo.

8/11/16

A live hornet burrito may not be the spiciest food but eating it makes your mouth hurt more than the hottest of pepperdas.

8/12/16

Earthworms are actually the only native Martians.

8/13/16

Dried snails taste great with snail sauce, improves the texture too.

8/14/16

People may differ regarding their opinion of scapegoats but everyone agrees that fire escape goats just get in the way & needlessly cost humanity millions of lives each night.

8/15/16

The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.

8/16/16

Ants are army, farmy, & red alarmy.

8/17/16

Dogs are man's best friend because dogs can't talk.

8/18/16

Save money on dog food by having a drone walk your dog to eat out of other dog’s bowls.

8/19/16

If you’re throwing a birthday party for a shark, throw it into the sea.

8/20/16

Stop building memorial tombstones for roadkill with fake human names & putting them into graveyards. I wreck into several dozen oversized ones each day.

8/21/16

Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.

8/22/16

If your fish dies stick a toothpick tree into his belly to create Deadfish Island.

8/23/16

During the next Shark Week all board games will allow shark pieces that can eat other players.

8/24/16

The reasons humans are the top of the food chain is because we are the only ones who can craft chains or espouse hierarchies.

8/25/16

A bear skin ceiling fan catches even more dust.

8/26/16

Bald eagles aren’t endangered, there are just a lot of them that fool us by wearing awesome toupees.

8/27/16

Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.

8/28/16

In every zoo the animals fight to the death nightly in a tournament until there is only one left. There are caged animals below the zoo that get released into the exhibits every morning to replace the old ones.

8/29/16

Evening lightning bugs are bugs of no storm.

8/30/16

Flamingos always dress as plastic flamingos for Halloween. Or do they?

8/31/16

To people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold poor people there are in Antartica? None! You gotta be rich to go to Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!

Sundrycember III
9/1/16
Your birthday suit is a space suit made out of space.

9/2/16

Don’t settle for polyester candy.

9/3/16

Pollution wishes it could be friends with real clouds.

9/4/16

If you have a mixed bag it probably wasn’t mixed by stirring.

9/5/16

The real reason people used to work hard all day was because their furniture sucked. People haven't become lazier we just got La-Z-Boys so we can enjoy the greater joy in life.

9/6/16

The left side of your brain wonders if you will ever return to find it in this lost & found.

9/7/16

I've got a 4 year old that used a 4 finger discount on my heart.

9/8/16

If red carpets became famous, it would be cruel of them to walk the red carpet.

9/9/16

Don’t make your islands out of toast, they will get soggy & sink.

9/10/16

Unlike automatic stuttering, manual stuttering is rude.

9/11/16

The invisible boxes that mimes are easily trapped in will open if the mime speaks.

9/12/16

A search party is very inconsiderate unless it is later followed by a found party.

9/13/16

You can’t smudge fire.

9/14/16

If you can’t deal it may be because of an ordeal.

9/15/16

The unsuccessful precursor to roller skates was toe trucks. The problem with them is that they couldn’t tow the rest of the foot

9/16/16

The color green appears in all the great movies from the past 50 years that is why it is allowed to be the color of money, because it is so rich from being a movie star.

9/17/16

It’s not advisable to verbally impersonate Frankenstein’s Monster on a phone call without prior warning.

9/18/16

When is something actually more than you can shake a stick at? When it is something that engulfs you.

9/19/16

A stone cold ice cube melts feverously.

9/20/16

The only thing people will cheer while dancing on a grave is a bear.

9/21/16

If you believe in a flat earth, maps are also globes.

9/22/16

Owning a moon rock is only good if you don’t get the rock as a result of the moon exploding.

9/23/16

Hopping in the pool is slowest & lowest form of hopping.

9/24/16

Halt words lead to passwords.

9/25/16

The title of an undertaker for a graveyard of drowning victims is an afterlifeguard.

Lesson Mania Week
9/26/16
No one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal reasons.

To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.

It’s a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped with Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on Playstation 4 & Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.

9/27/16

When you walk into a room & smell pickles but don’t see any pickles say, “Who’s been having an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”

Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.

There are no invisible shadows.

9/28/16

Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.

Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off so do your feet.

Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.

9/29/16

Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a baby’s health.

Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo you.

You may think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.

9/30/16

A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was on sale, especially 1999.

Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3 seconds.

When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.

Oddtober III
10/1/16
You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not being able to find good jobs in this economy.

10/2/16

You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs exact change for a ransom.

10/3/16

You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.

10/4/16

You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced bread was invented to sell toasters

10/5/16

It is weird to equate burying chicken bones to zombie chicken farming.

10/6/16

You are weird if you set up a neighborhood watch that neighbors can sign out if they want to wear it.

10/7/16

You are weird if you feed your hippo boxes of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

10/8/16

It is weirder to take the finger than it is to give the finger, unless you’re a sharp toothed beast that doesn’t have fingers.

10/9/16

You are weird if you've ever received death threats.. offline.

10/10/16

You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way out if you ever go under house arrest.

10/11/16

You are weird if you think pastrami can substitute for deodorant.

10/12/16

Being dressed by a team of monkeys isn’t as weird as being addressed by a team of monkeys.

10/13/16

You are weird if your favorite flavored floss is habanero.

10/14/16

You are weird if you walk your dog.. into a swimming pool full of marshmallows skewered on cacti.

10/15/16

You are weird if you think clouds rarely drop rain because most of the time the cloud throws it up hoping it will fly into outerspace.

10/16/16

You are weird if you think leaf laden areas with “No Raking” signs have catapults hidden in them.. or maybe you're onto something there.

10/17/16

You are weird if your two person Halloween costume is you dressed as a steaming hot bowl of edible soup & the other person as a spoon in said soup.

10/18/16

Watching a documentary on shelf life isn’t as weird as watching a documentary on the life of a shelf.

10/19/16

Taking a milk blot test is weird but crying over a milk blot test is weirder.

10/20/16

It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.

10/21/16

You are weird if you have skeletons in your closet because you're hoping to start a museum.

10/22/16

You are weird if you use the hands of an analog clock as a very very lazy susan for single grains of rice.

10/23/16

You are weird if you feed the homeless but only so you can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.

10/24/16

You are weird if you say you run marathons, but in reality you've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.

10/25/16

You are weird if you demand your pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox because it's easier to get them syrupy.

10/26/16

You are weird if you like to leave letters addressed to your mailman in your mailbox just so he knows you know where he lives too.

10/27/16

You are weird if you befriend vegans just so you can say "where's the beef?" more often.

10/28/16

You are weird if you say things like, "the cactus doesn't fall far from the guy who was carrying the cactus," & "Don't worry, because this will be brief, Canadian luau brief."

10/29/16

Overusing the word figuratively is literally weirder than overusing the word literally. "Chicken soup is figuratively my favorite food, figuratively!" "Be careful with that! You could figuratively knock your teeth out!"

10/30/16

You are weird if you use spider webs to create the illusion of floating confetti.

10/31/16

You are weird if your job is to help chickens cross roads without asking no questions.

No.vember
11/1/16
Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, & 50% being good at math.

11/2/16

If your steam powered motor device has manual backup power you can run out of steam twice.

11/3/16

Using a yardstick to measure campfire height causes it to become kindling.

11/4/16

4 has a 2 2.

11/5/16

There is no 5 second rule in space because nothing ever falls on the floor.

11/6/16

A picture is worth a 1000 words but a picture of 1000 words is worth 6000 words, because synonyms.

11/7/16

If you juggle trashcans do it with the lids on so the 7 dwarves won’t escape.

11/8/16

It's all fun & games until someone gets hurt. Then it's 8 minutes of hushed silence while someone is carried off the field. Then it's all fun & games again.

11/9/16

9 out of 10 dentists recommend giving into peer pressure.

11/10/16

Countdowns predictably always end at 1. Countups however hold the mystery & tension of potentially going on forever.

11/11/16

Turning it up to 11 is cool but clocks turn it up to 12 TWICE A DAY. CLOCKS ROCK!

11/12/16

If you run out of time you’ve run too fast.

11/13/16

Bill collectors have due diligence.

11/14/16

Cash registers… and so does being broke.

11/15/16

Turn any ordinary kitchen table into a multiplication table by using it for conception.

11/16/16

A half a candle is still a candle. A half an orange is still an orange but half a ball is not a ball at all.

11/17/16

There are 17 ounces in a baker's fluid pound, and 201 years in a baker's bicentennial.
Additionally bakers refuse to vote until they turn 19. A boxer who is also a baker may fight 1lb about his weight class. Bakeries frame their 1st 2 dollars made, and bakers' cats have 10 lives

11/18/16

The number 18 is the one after 17 & waaay before 1,496.2.

11/19/16

If you're ever chased by 19 goats with sticks, it's probably a dream. Your aspirations are admirable.

11/20/16

The best favorite number is or is an anagram of 9,876,543,210.

11/21/16

The reason it's harder to remember things when you're older is that you have to remember your age & bigger numbers take up more space in your brain.

11/22/16

Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"

11/23/16

You are 23 times more likely to be swallowed by a whale than swallowed by a bug. #FakeMathIsFun And if you try to swallow a swallow you're gonna choke! #ChokingIsNotFun #LearnTheHeimleich #LearnHowToSpellHeimlichCorrectly

11/24/16

Make a list of 24 reasons you're thankful for days being 24 hours long. If it takes you 25 or more hours to complete the list, throw it away in frustration.

11/25/16

If your bowling ball suddenly has more than 3 holes it was abducted by aliens.

11/26/16

The time to visit online forums is when you've said four "ums" about a subject.

11/27/16

Don’t hand out cabbage coupons at the hardware store.

11/28/16

If you can draw a sausage that means it's still alive!

11/29/16

If you refuse to acknowledge leap day instead subtract 1 second from every 30 minutes of everyday for 4 years.

11/30/16

Scientists did in fact invent a gigantisizing ray but linguists kept it from seeing public light because they couldn't reach a consensus on what to call a gigantisized inchworm.

Don'tcember
12/1/16
Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.

12/2/16

Don’t put a screen door on a submarine or a regular marine.

12/3/16

Don’t put your elbow in hot water. It won’t turn into macaroni.

12/4/16

Don’t paint your trees orange, just wait til fall.

12/5/16

Don’t try to wring out concrete after rain.

12/6/16

Don't choose the "career path" of mime narrator for the blind.

12/7/16

Don’t be Phobos phobic.

12/8/16

Don’t use hot sauce to water your pepper garden, that’s cruel.

12/9/16

Don’t buy used saran wrap.

12/10/16

Don’t milk your chickens until after the magical fairy turns them into cows.

12/11/16

Don't refill your squirt pistol at a bank's water fountain.

12/12/16

Don’t sleep with your hair in blender because people prefer to make shakes in the morning & you might have to wake up earlier.

12/13/16

Don't go out skipping stones on water.. that's in a glass.

12/14/16

Don't be as quick & clean & efficient as an underwater catapult catapulting loose mayonnaise.

12/15/16

Don't use hamburger buns as spanx, people will think you don't digest gluten so well.

12/16/16

Don't dunk your dimples in dip because one for each cheek is a double dip.

12/17/16

Don’t spike the football after a touchdown, spike a volleyball, it is way cooler. And people will be like, “Where was he hiding that volleyball?” Clue: Hide a pump in your pants over your shins, hide the deflated ball in your pants over your buttocks.

12/18/16

Don’t keep your extra oars chained to the bottom of the ocean.

12/19/16

Don't legally change your name to Collingston Fakesworth III. No one will believe you, not even me, and I gave you the idea for the name.

12/20/16

Dream bigger, don't settle for a solid gold house, get a liquid gold house. It is way more expensive to obtain, maintain, contain, & all the other tains.

12/21/16

Don’t bring snowballs to a fireball fight, in fact just stay away from fireball fights all together.

12/22/16

Don’t hug a car while it’s moving, unless what it's moving is your heart.

12/23/16

Don’t buy a real snow man at a Christmas tree lot unless you live on the same street as the lot.

12/24/16

Christmas Eve is like Halloween night for burglers, they get to go house to house & eat the cookies you leave for Christmas Jones.

12/25/16

Don't decorate your bathroom rug with Christmas lights.

12/26/16

Don't throw out your Christmas trash, instead burn it & sell it on Ash Wednesday. Christmas ash is extra holy.

12/27/16

Don’t choke a lemon or you’ll get citric acid in your eye.

12/28/16

Don’t recycle mouthwash in your commune.

12/29/16

Cars, don't drink & drive. You should only drink gas while stationary.

12/30
/16
Don't trust people who claim to be tolerant by saying, "I don't see color" because that means they only see in black & white.

12/31
/16
Don't crush a can on your head.. unless it's an aluminum can.

2016 Lesson Leftovers

Top 17 Lessons of 2016 (Based on Social Media Likes)
17. You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way out if you ever go under house arrest.
16. Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.
15. Soon cats will become even lazier. Instead of walking in front of us to trip us they will bat marbles towards our feet to trip us from afar.
14. Soon Peter Pan will take all of his peanut butter back to Neverland.
13. Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.
12. Don’t recycle mouthwash in your commune.
11. The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.
10. The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!
9. Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.
8. It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.
7. Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"
6. Turn any ordinary kitchen table into a multiplication table by using it for conception.
5. Soon people will not only sneak into movie theaters but also into the homes of Netflix subscribers.
4. Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.
3. Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.
2. The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception of cube.
1. A half a candle is still a candle. A half an orange is still an orange but half a ball is not a ball at all.

Top 30 Lessons of 2016 (as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
30. Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.
29. Don't use hamburger buns as spanx, people will think you don't digest gluten so well.
28. You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced bread was invented to sell toasters.
27. Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.
26. Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"
25. To people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold poor people there are in Antarctica? None! You gotta be rich to go to Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!
24. Don't write a book. Books can't write back.
23. Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.
22. Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.
21. Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.
20. Which came first the chicken or the egg? They both came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.
19. Don't trust people who claim to be tolerant by saying, "I don't see color" because that means they only see in black & white.
18. Soon the vegetables you refused to eat as a kid will call you from their deathbeds to thank you for allowing them to lead long, rich lives.
17. You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.
16. When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.
15. Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!
14. Don’t settle for polyester candy.
13. The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.
12. Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.
11. What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a pointless waste of time.
10. The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is considered average in America.
9. The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.
8. Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.
7. The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!
6. You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs exact change for a ransom.
5. Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, & 50% being good at math.
4. You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not being able to find good jobs in this economy.
3. No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted, after that you can't tell them apart.
2. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend giving into peer pressure.
1. To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.

2015 | House | 2017
All Lessons 2015-2016 (unless noted)
Piemerica

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