Lessons 2017



Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day Collection
No 1/17, FooduaryMarch is WhenIt's Alike April, iMaySoon June IIIJuly Genesises, Easier August, Sundrycember IVOddtober IV, No.vember II

No 1/17
1/1/17
No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a proud mother hen.

1/2
/17
No one likes to be told "You're A Coward," except little Johnny who has just been adopted into the Coward family.

1/3/17

No one wants to break the rules, except the people who know the rules exist.

1/4/17

No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing their pants.

1/5/17

No one wants to be left out, except pies that are cooling.

1/6/17

No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to take it to the next level.

1/7/17

No one wants to put mustard on a peanut butter & jelly sandwich except mustard salesmen.

1/8/17

No one wants to be looked over, except dog show dogs.

1/9/17

No one likes to take the blame, except anonymous hackers.

1/10/17

No one wants a cop to shoot em unless the cop is also a photographer.

1/11
/17
No one wants a thumb tack in their sock unless it’s hanging it from a mantel.

1/12
/17
No one wants a cobra in their soup unless it’s cobra soup.

1/13/17

No one wants to get stuck in a rut except stickers. Because stickers aren't picky they're sticky.

1/14/17

No one wants to throw their Life away, unless they left the box open & it's stale.

1/15
/17
No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.

1/16
/17
No one wants to go through life afraid, except stylish bath rugs that think I said, "afrayed."

1/17/17

No one wants their wife to disappear, except magicians.

1/18
/17
No one likes to be made to feel less than, except <.

1/19
/17
No one wants a toilet full of candy unless it’s post digested.

1/20/17

No one likes to be told to shut up, except cartoon wardrobes eager to show off their door flapping skills.

1/21/17

No one wants a burger made of wax unless it’s a candle.

1/22
/17
No one likes to be told "You're no good," except students at the Super-Villain Academy.

1/23/17

No one wants to see that.. except people reading the word that.

1/24/17

No-one ever wastes money, suckers just pay non-suckers.

1/25
/17
No one ever wants to run away from home. They want to run to a new home.

1/26/17

No one wants an orange filled with blood, unless you're a vampire that likes oranges.

1/27/17

No one likes to feel judged, except actors on trial in their first courtroom scene.

1/28
/17
No one wants a knife in their back, unless they’re having surgery, voluntary surgery.

1/29
/17
No one likes to have egg on their face, except freaky-deek chickens.

1/30/17

No one wants to drop the chainsaws they're juggling except treasure hunters trying to discretely saw through the floor so they can discover the lost golden anvils of El Rey.

1/31/17

No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people in heaven.

Fooduary
2/1/17
If the zoo catches fire hope next day for an exotic buffet.

2/2/17

Hammond Eggs have the most vitamin B3.

2/3/17

Cloud servers always be dropping food.

2/4/17

Throw out your futon if aliens come to earth because futons make it far too easy for the aliens to eat us as tacos.

2/5/17

They should change the word bonus to donus because it sounds like doughnuts & thinking of doughnuts makes you feel even better.

2/6/17

They stopped selling milk in the yellow jug because your milk would sneakily drink your orange juice while your fridge door was closed.

2/7/17

If your flying cup keeps escaping, fill it with rocks & sand & water & Fruity Pebbles.

2/8/17

Moonshiner = Man of Still

2/9
/17
Get out of the mouthless cerebellum catering business.

2/10
/17
Putting lettuce under your bacon to keep your plate from getting greasy doesn't count as salad.

2/11/17

Apple marionettes allow for apple core·e·ography.

2/12
/17
Everybody eats poo because poo is made out of food. Food is just pre-poo.

2/13/17

If you use a butcher knife made of petrified meat you can pork chop a pork chop.

2/14/17

A mass toaster shaking would solve world hunger. Although 17 minutes later world hunger would resume.

2/15/17

Sentient hamburgers shouldn't visit America or they'll be eaten! And they should never befriend a sentient mustard. Mustards are racist against salsa & horsey sauce & thought balloons.

2/16
/17
Use a watering can to strain foods.

2/17
/17
Live snakes shouldn't be eaten tail first.

2/18/17

You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills.

2/19
/17
Don't propose a toast to butter when it's on a roll.

2/20/17

So you've got carbon dating, well if a soda's flat that's carbonation dating. Oh!

2/21/17

Ice melts if you tickle it.

2/22
/17
Tap water is running water, bottled water is jogging water, bath water is sitting water, birdbath water is standing water, pool water is laying water, pond water is ducking water, spilt water is bending over water, holy water is bowing water, digested water is squatting water.

2/23
/17
Chips & dips aren’t friends. They get each other eaten.

2/24
/17
When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it coming.

2/25
/17
If you eat mannequins as a substitute for eating humans you're a mannecannebal.

2/26
/17
To get free toppings at a frozen yogurt shoppe say something really mean so they start throwing toppings at you.

2/27
/17
If someone gives you a sash made of butter they're planning on cooking you.

2/28
/17
Drinking gasoline makes you the ultimate foodie because you're dining on dinosaurs.

March is When
3/1/17
When you visit a hunter's house & they have a bunch of empty wall mounts it's because they're a ghost hunter & those are the ghosts they've killed.

3/2/17

When you want to do something heroic, speak in a heroic tone.

3/3/17

When you draw water from a well using an orange it confuses things. Use blue & draw the well too.

3/4/17

When something cost an arm & a leg make sure to use exact change unless you're lucky enough to get the 5 finger discount.

3/5/17

When you build a staircase with just one stair it's a stair case.

3/6/17

When life gives you lemonade, take the day off.

3/7/17

When you're budgeting for a trip it's better not to take the trip. It doesn't matter if you can afford it. The pain of the injuries aren't worth it.

3/8/17

When The Going gets Tough, The Tough gets Going & soon wedding bells are ringing.

3/9/17

Be careful when considering the purchase of farmland. Most people I've heard of who bought a farm died right around the same time.

3/10
/17
Back in the tube days, a man could choose to sit on a tv to be on TV.

3/11/17

When your psychiatrist gives you a milk blot test instead of an ink blot test he's trying to see if you cry over spilt milk.

3/12
/17
When it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.

3/13/17

It's easy to tell when you're close but yes cigar because you can smell the cigar.

3/14/17

When you wear a dirty shirt you look like a lazy slob unless the shirt also has paint on it, that makes you look like a hard worker.

3/15/17

Beware the Ides of March because they make you google what ides are & the result is very disappointing.

3/16/17

When your favorite movie is Credits II: The Discrediting, you should probably become an avid reader of bibliographies.

3/17/17

A bad way to say you eat a lot is, "I always love satin'."

3/18/17

Now throw your hands in the air & wave em like you just don't care & if you are seen by a bear he won't come ova here, not ova here!

3/19
/17
You know you grew up poor when your watch had a second hand second hand.

3/20/17

Be careful who you ask for change for a quarter. Ask the wrong person & you could end up hospitalized for 3 months.

3/21/17

You must learn to crawl before you can learn.. to work your way up the adult/baby racing circuit.

3/22/17

There's no time like the present except every moment of time ever because all of the past used to be the present & all of the future will be the present.

3/23/17

Before you can change the world, you must first.. find a fluffy pirate shirt big enough to fit it.

3/24/17

After all these years it's time to give up on creating a Furby/duckling cyborg.

3/25/17

For a better start to your day have your alarm use your favorite TV theme song.

3/26/17

When you spill food one morsel travels to another dimension before it hits the ground & lands in a bowl to feed their poor.

3/27/17

Every time you upgrade your KFC order a chicken loses its wings.

3/28
/17
When your favorite color is red but favorite Popsicle® flavor is purple you're making the rainbow cry.

3/29/17

When your bowling ball is heavier than your bawling bowl hydrate the bowl by putting soup in it then have it speak to a licensed bowl therapist to discover the root of its sorrows.

3/30/17

Before you borrow a monkey's socks remember, they're not socks they're gloves. Don't be swindled by sock monkeys, unless you have an appointment, they will respect your punctuality & give you human socks at fair market price.

3/31/17

Sometimes now is whenever.

It's Alike April
4/1/17
Science is a lot like butter, it proves that butter exists.

4/2/17

A blanket is a lot like a bus on fire. If one lays on you you'll get warm & sleepy.

4/3/17

Plastic is a lot like the Web, it's a better alternative to paper.

4/4/17

Software is a lot like tableware, neither are used as insults.

4/5/17

Leaves are a lot like candied yams, they're both terrible to use as forks.

4/6/17

A shadow is a lot like a teacup, if the shadow is the shadow of a teacup.

4/7
/17
Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.

4/8/17

Mist is a lot like fog but misty eyed & foggy eyed are very different.

4/9/17

Nails are a lot like lettuce, they both have heads that don't wear hats.

4/10/17

Santa is a lot like furniture. If you're the one sitting everything is fine. If you're the one being sat on, there's a problem.

4/11/17

Pine needles are a lot like marbles, they aren't good salad ingredients.

4/12/17

Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to take yours.

4/13/17

Oranges are a lot like sinks, neither rhyme with rail.

4/14/17

Rolls are a lot like everything, they taste better in soup.

4/15/17

Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink it out of a tap.

4/16/17

A bucket of water is a lot like a man holding a glass of Easter eggnog, if you juggle them, they'll both spill.

4/17/17

Roosters are a lot like crows, they both crow in the morning.

4/18/17

Gymnasts are a lot like fugitives. It's particularly exciting when they jump off of something.

4/19/17

Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly sized slices of bread.

4/20/17

Eyeballs are a lot like cue balls. They are both alphabet based balls which do not contain the letter they sound like.

4/21
/17
Windows are a lot like whips, if you crack them you'll feel a breeze.

4/22/17

Fingers are a lot like missiles, if you point 'em at the wrong place people could blow up.

4/23
/17
Zippers are a lot like alligator mouths, they're scariest when opened.

4/24
/17
Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting in movies.

4/25/17

Scarves are a lot like cosplaying pythons, soft.

4/26/17

A camera is a lot like a bank vault. If you touch your eye to one you'll soon have a picture taken.

4/27/17

Drawers are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes. So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.

4/28
/17
Typewriters are a lot like mailmen, they both bring you letters.

4/29/17

Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands on 'em.

4/30/17

A pet turtle is a lot like a taco, it has a hard shell & it upsets you when it spills your cheese.

iMay
5/1/17
If your mind is blown get your skull checked.

5/2/17

If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.

5/3/17

If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.

5/4/17

If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.

5/5/17

If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.

5/6
/17
Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.

5/7
/17
If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your cap.

5/8/17

If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good because long poles are riddled with germites.

5/9
/17
Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.

5/10
/17
If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it correctly.

5/11/17

If your armchair was made in America it has a free loaded gun hidden inside!

5/12/17

If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.

5/13/17

If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.

5/14/17

If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.

5/15/17

If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is killing me!"

5/16
/17
If you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt & shoes to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.

5/17/17

If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton that fame is better had after death.

5/18
/17
If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.

5/19
/17
If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they love sleeping in craters.

5/20
/17
If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.

5/21/17

If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.

5/22/17

If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?

5/23/17

If you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping your pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in trouble.

5/24/17 [[[Our 1000th consecutive day with a lesson!!]]]

If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."

5/25/17

If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons & blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.

5/26
/17
If you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have this happen again!

5/27/17

If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.

5/28/17

If you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.

5/29/17

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry. I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!

5/30/17

The reasons you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some people love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an arrow².

5/31/17

If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're going to eat you.

Soon June III
6/1/17
Soon ovens will prank us by screaming, "Ow! That's hot! Get me out of here! I'm trapped! Help!!"

6/2/17

Soon all newspapers will be oldspapers.

6/3/17

Soon all hoaxes will be revealed as truth and all truth as hoax, including that last thing.

6/4/17

Soon jellyfish will finally accept a sponsorship from Jello® & be called Jellofish®.

6/5/17

Soon tacos will come out of their shells when the earth's axis tilts further. Yeah yeah seasons would get messed up too, but our taco meat!

6/6/17

Soon broken elevators will have spiral escalators placed in their shafts.

6/7/17

Soon apes will fully evolve into humans & the only way to tell us & the genetically identical race of new humans apart is that they will continue to refuse to wear clothes.

6/8/17

Soon mops will vacation in chicken buckets.

6/9/17

Soon drones will deliver all mail, even email. It will be so financially wasteful that poor people will become furious & conquer the rich Ewok style.

6/10/17

Soon ghosts will throw awesome parties for themselves called FUNerals.

6/11/17

Soon trapezists will juggle flapjacks in mid-air & even more impressively juggle loose syrup.

6/12/17

Soon hashtagging will be called pounding.

6/13/17

Soon wills will become so powerful that you can legally leave things you don't own to people. The result, genocide.

6/14/17

Soon dancing will be outlawed & Prancing will be inlawed after his sister finally gets married. Also prancing will become the mandatory form of perambulation.

6/15/17

Soon an amazing caveman artist will travel to the present & say, "What? My work didn't survive? Just because I painted on the rocks outside the cave!?"

6/16/17

Soon many heptagons will announce that they are transshape making the jobs of triangle realtors nearly impossible.

6/17/17

Soon everyone will forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day & all of that pinching will start World War III, which won't be nation against nation, but every man for himself in a world wide battle royale.

6/18/17

Soon aliens will come to earth.. to take our best parking spaces, & for absolutely no other reason.

6/19/17

Soon rich business guys will use their understudies for power point presentations. Because they don't know the material well, in place of laser pointers, they will use broader pointing objects like spot lights & red dwarf stars.

6/20/17

Soon the government will make speedometers embellish so more of us will unknowingly drive the speed limit.

6/21/17

Soon the world will become less peaceful when, in addition to squirt pistols, children begin to operate water tanks.

6/22/17

The pen is no longer mightier than the sword because you can type with a sword. And if you don't feel like typing you can hold someone at sword point & get them to type for you or even write something with a pen.

6/23/17

Soon everyone will let their hair down by getting stupid trendy hairdos that people will laugh at for decades.

6/24/17

Soon life will really begin at 40 when babies choose to unnecessarily gestate for 40 extra years. So hurry up & have your kids now.

6/25/17

Soon everybody will be like two peas in a pod as we are all forced, two by two, into living in pods together, pea pods in fact, because we'll also be shrunken, to pea size, & it will be really confusing to know how much toothpaste to use.

6/26/17

Soon crossing your fingers will be the only way left to pantomime hope because there won't be any wood left to knock on.

6/27/17

Soon people who say, "My bad" will say "My good" when accidentally doing something good.

6/28/17

Soon we'll all be on Easy Street after all streets are renamed Easy Street making things much harder. GPS, "Turn left on Easy Street, no not that one, the other one. Ugh, that's it, I don't need this. My husband is a satellite. I quit."

6/29/17

Soon love will spread the world over like never before.. when cupid upgrades to a machine gun. #ThanksGunLobby

6/30/17

Soon people will no longer seek to escape reality, because there will be no reality.

July Genesises
7/1/17
They say chupacabra is antelope. But I say no, chupacabra is proelope. That is why we cannot find it. Chupacabra ran off to marry someone its parents didn't approve of.

7/2/17

Doughnuts are actually fruits, the reason they have holes in them is because the cores have been taken out.

7/3/17

Forget everything you know about studying then go study what studying really is.

7/4/17

Free samples were invented to help the BIG GOV gather intel on litter bugs.

7/5/17

The future starts just after now.

7/6/17

The printer was invented by a kid that really hated learning cursive in 4th grade.

7/7/17

The reason we only find dinosaur bones in the ground is because colossal aliens would come to earth, debone the dinosaurs & eat the rest.

7/8/17

Shoe shine stands were invented by cops to analyze the dirt on people's shoes to see if their shoes were stolen.

7/9/17

Wake up! They call em cell phones because they imprison you man!

7/10/17

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, in other words.. sponge baths all around!

7/11/17

Lightning in a bottle was originally lightning in a sandcastle but it melted the sand into glass.

7/12/17

Chimp pansies were the chimps that survived evolution. Think about it.

7/13/17

The only people that make bones about it are expecting mothers.

7/14/17

Edward Cocacola invented glass cause before sody boddles you had to drink out of the skulls of your ancestors.

7/15/17

The reason we don't store lightning in banks is because all lightning banks burn down.

7/16/17

The reason computer mice are called mice is because of how riddled with germs & bacteria they are.

7/17/17

Modern road rage regards sedans & swearing. Ancient road rage regarded sandals & swords.

7/18/17

Having zero tolerance actually means you're down with binary.

7/19/17

Winning money often starts from scratch.

7/20/17

Before the world wide web the only time someone surfed the net was while trying to escape villainous fishermen.

7/21/17

There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you're eating wild berries, those are definitely free.

7/22/17

There's a sucker born every minute so vegans should feel really bad for eating all those suckers when they were kids.

7/23/17

Two heads are better than one unless they're on the same body. #ProtoMutantDescrimination

7/24/17

A wolf in sheep's clothing is naked. Sheeps dont where clovthes, stewpid;

7/25/17

Love is blind, hate is deaf, indifference doesn't feel, you can't smell trust, & like may have no taste.

7/26/17

Necessity is the mother of invention & Geppetto types are its third cousins.

7/27/17

Oak trees believe that Roanoke is where trees get turned into rowboats.

7/28/17

Behind every great gander is a great goose.

7/29/17

If you really love being hip to the new trends after you jump on the bandwagon jump up & down on the bandwagon.

7/30/17

If you ever find a screwdriver in your car, the car is trying to send you a message.

7/31
/17
Set designer who thinks of himself as a casting agent, cast the first stone.

Easier August
8/1/17
It's easier to march in March than it is to august in August.

8/2/17

Googly eyes are the hardest eyes to cry from but the easiest to cry out.

8/3/17

Putting your best foot forward is always easier because your worst foot may not move so well or you have it in a cooler or freezer or something.

8/4/17

It's easier to be quiet than it is to quiet a bee.

8/5/17

Mind over matter is easier than mind over matters.

8/6/17

It's easier to give sage advice than it is to give sage advice, if you're good at cooking.

8/7/17

It's easier to sit on your tip toes than to stand on your tip toes.

8/8/17

The camera cannot lie but the camera phone sure can.

8/9/17

It's easier to spend quality time than it is to save quality time.

8/10/17

It's easier to fool someone with smokes & beers than smoke & mirrors.

8/11/17

It's easier to find a needle in a hay stack than a hay in a sewing needle stack.

8/12/17

It's easy to get away with eating pudding all the time. Become a detective & every time someone calls you out for eating a pudding cup say, "the proof is in the pudding."

8/13/17

A bad storm rains cats & dogs but a legendary storm rains dodos & dinosaurs & golden piglets.

8/14/17

Pushing the envelope is terrible.. for getting mail out of your mailbox.

8/15/17

It's easier to teach an old dog new tricks than it is to teach new Trix an old dog because Trix don't have brains, they're a cereal.

8/16/17

In most cases it's easier to fall out than it is to fall in.

8/17/17

Romeing the streets isn't as easy as Venicing the streets. #Floodist

8/18/17

It's easier to keep the ball rolling when everything is downhill.

8/19/17

It is easier to be as busy as a bee than it is to be as busy as a b. There were 5 more b's in the last sentence than bees.

8/20/17

Blurred lines are still very easy to make out as lines.

8/21/17

It's easier to wear a bowler hat than it is to wear a bowler as a hat. But if the bowler you wear wears a bowler hat, it doesn't make much difference.

8/22/17

It's easier to milk a cow than it is to cow a milk. #CloningACowFromItsMilk

8/23/17

Giving someone a few choice words isn't as easy as giving someone a few forced words. It's easier to choose to force yourself to be pleasant than it is to tell someone off.

8/24/17

It's easier to notice holes in the ground than it is to notice ground in a hole. But it is easiest to notice ground beef in your mouth hole because it tastes great or eww this isn't cooked.

8/25/17

It's easier to get physical with someone than it is to get metaphysical.

8/26/17

It's easier to be caught red handed than it is to be caught red elbowed because you gotta be stealing somethin' big to get red all the way up to your elbows. Think these things out, get an accomplice next time.

8/27/17

It's hard to jump the gun & jump the shark at the same time but don't worry, if you give the shark a gun it won't know how to use it.

8/28/17

Thinking too hard is racking your brains, which is like BBQing. Doing drugs is like cooking your brain in a skillet. So don't think too hard man. It's worse than doing drugs.

8/29/17

It's easier to put the cart before the horse than it is to put the cart before the puma, if the cart is filled with horse meat. However putting horse meat in front of the horse could put you in a moral quandary. So I think you should put on your own experiment for this one. The horse meat I put in front of my horse was going to be used as butt implants for it, so it was joyous occasion.

8/30/17

It's easier to become a surgeon than it is to become a sturgeon. But if you want to become a sturgeon see a surgeon.

8/31
/17
Doing the bare minimum isn't as easy as doing the bear minimum, the minimum that a bear would do, because a bear wouldn't do much.

Sundrycember IV
9/1/17
The one way you can shove people without them getting mad at you is to break up fights.

9/2/17

Butter always falls butter side down.

9/3/17

The best pizza toppings are other pizzas.

9/4/17

am is in a name

9/5/17

Some people have a real problem with authority, it’s the people who have it.

9/6/17

The best type of music is the outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.

9/7/17

It is not common dear for common deer to commandeer.

9/8/17

Presentee daddy pigs always bring home the bacon.

9/9/17

Clown contortionists can fit into an even smaller car.

9/10/17

Man does not live by bread alone sometimes there's fruit in proximity as well.

9/11/17

Pop goes the weasel, underground indie goes the hip weasel.

9/12/17

Front-seat drivers are back-seat drivers too because they are driving the whole car which includes the back seats.

9/13/17

You can't know anything by heart except love. It's your brain that knows.

9/14/17

Silence is golden but you can use a silver bullet to kill the silence.

9/15/17

Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.

9/16/17

Just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.

9/17/17

Your mind is out of sight but never out of mind.

Lesson  Mania Week 2017

9/18/17
The smartest word is smartypants because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your lower case g.

Music has charms to soothe the savage breast & Lucky Charms has the charms to soothe the savage kid.

Most books are full of air quotes & you'll never know it.

9/19/17

It's hard to become a medical Guinea pig because medical people figure out real quick that you're human.

The reason your phone's battery won't go above 99% is because it believes absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I spy with my little eye that it's good for spies to have little eyes because little eyes are harder to see.

9/20/17

To keep fit throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.

Be happy is next to see happy.

Revenge is a dish best served cold but so is ice cream. Revenge & ice cream have so much in common. Mmmm sprinkles!

9/21
/17
Your house is AS BIG AS A HOUSE.

A riverbed is the waterbed that can drown you.

A watched pot never boils but the water in it does.

9/22
/17
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.

The customer is always right because liberals oppose capitalism so much that they never patron.

A rolling stone gathers no moss & a stone that has stopped rolling gathers no más.

End of Mania Week

9/23/17
The ultimate cake topping is pie that dissolves the cake under it.

9/24/17

Casualties in action movies just wanted a piece of the action.

9/25/17

The worse way to help someone across the road is by "nudging" them repeatedly with your car.

9/26/17

Haven't you heard? Toledo is a great town! People are always saying, "Holy Toldeo!"

9/27/17

If you say blah really fast it sounds robotic. If you say yada yada yada really fast is sounds like an Eastern Hemispheric chant.

9/28/17

School is boring because the whole day is an ellipsis. 1st period 2nd period 3rd period...

9/29/17

The best way to correct racist mistakes is to get the white out.

9/30/17

You only want to hear your boss say, "That's the last straw!" if you work at the straw factory, unless that's boss's way of say'n the factory is closing down effective immediately.

Oddtober IV
10/1/17
The world is a creepier place if you realize that every hand you see is a naked puppet.

10/2/17

Saying, "But my home is my castle" won't get you off when the cops find out you have people chained up in your basement.

10/3/17
Having a silencer put to your mouth will quiet you indeed unless you love the taste & have to squeal with delight that you've finally found your El Dorado of flavor!

10/4/17

A hamster chef could be a human that cooks hamsters, a hamster that cooks, or a cannibal hamster that cooks hamsters.

10/5/17
If truth really is stranger than fiction there must be some awesome alien planets out there.

10/6/17

Highered is not a word even though lowered is.

10/7/17
You can't throw a queen worm at a wall, tickle it, & expect it to do your walrus's math homework.

10/8/17

Put googly eyes on your steps so your stairs can stare at you.

10/9/17
The blind leading the blind is bad unless your blind guide dog has it's own seeing eye puppy.

10/10/17

Blood is thicker than water & tricycles are thicker than blood.

10/11/17
You best learn the difference between gears & sprockets because our future robot overlords will give us all a pop quiz & you'll feel really embarrassed if you fail.

10/12/17

Being put in the doghouse is great if your significant other is a dog.

10/13/17
If you say blah really fast it sounds robotic. If you say yada yada yada really fast is sounds Eastern Hemispheric.

10/14/17

Gold can never love you back. But if you coat your friends in gold..

10/15/17
When you die you get a choice to go back to earth as either a ghost or a zombie. No one has ever picked zombie, for obvious reasons. But when this generation of nerds dies we'll start seeing their fanboy & fangirl-isms culminating in them being the first humans to choose to come back as zombies. It will be a terrible mistake as their nerdier kids & grandkids will be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse. But if we hurry up & make a really cool Casper movie this zombie apocalypse could be prevented!

10/16/17

Squelch stress by getting chocolate beepers that beep to remind you to eat them.

10/17/17
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. You know what else keeps doctors away? Guns! *bang!* Get outta my town wit ya sorcery! *bang!* *bang!*

10/18/17

Better late than never does not apply to assassination attempts.

10/19/17
Buy a cherry flavored coffin so you can be a cough drop for monster moles.

10/20/17

Like eyeballs, light bulbs are better to eat out of socket.

10/21/17
Wearing glasses with tie dye lenses can help you break your annoying habit of throwing paint everywhere.

10/22/17

If you're getting a paternity test for a bee make sure whoever reads the results doesn't have a silly accent or you may not understand him if he says, "You're the bee's niece."

10/23/17
The darkest hour is just before the dawn.. unless you're locked in a dungeon, then every hour is the darkest hour.

10/24/17

A bottle is not a loaf of bread made of glass.

10/25/17
If you hit someone in the face with a comic book opened to a page where Superman is punching, Paper Superman will come to life! He is very brittle & is ruined when wet, but he can still fly, although even the slightest micro-kilometer of wind can throw him off course.

10/26/17

You are weird if when someone says to you, "Prepare to die" you say, "Thanks for the sound advice I'll make a will right now. What would you like me to leave you?"

10/27/17
Come on, try to figure out what's funny about this lesson. It's not sandwich science.

10/28/17

You are weird if you tell the moon, "Rise & Shine!"

10/29/17
You are weird if the only reason you have a gym membership is to help the economy.

10/30/17

Beauty is only skin deep unless you're really into guts.

10/31/17

If giving your heart away makes you lose your mind sell your other organs too. You're on a roll!

No.vember II
11/1/17
Parker Brothers has a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.

11/2/17

All publicity is good publicity, unless you're fleeing.

11/3/17
When you don't have time, time has you.

11/4/17

Understanding is better than overstanding because overstanders won't shut up about what they know.

11/5/17
If n is a variable then the nth degree can be any degree you want! (If the number's ordinal name ends in th).

11/6/17 [Wiki Article]
Never believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv, skix, spleven, estorch, ninook, & zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as number, despite there being infinite numbers!

11/7/17
When all else fails try try again until they automatically move you up to the next grade for failing for too long. Score!

11/8/17

Everything you do is just in time because anytime is time.

11/9/17
When you have to write tall give it your all!

11/10/17

All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.

11/11/17
In the twinkling of an eye is the speed of light. In the tinkling of an eye is the speed of a tear.

11/12/17

Humans have 9 lives too, the others are experienced simultaneously in parallel dimensions.

11/13/17
No man is an island, our egos are too big. If we were sitting in the ocean with things living on our belly we'd want to be called continents.

11/14/17

Functional candy calculators are calculicious.

11/15/17
All slasher films are fish out of water stories because of the gasping, the slicing, the gutting, & the dying.

11/16/17

On a scale of A-Z an excon is the 3rd worst kind of con, wycons are still in jail & zecons are on death row. And on an aacon is| Hey! I said this was a scale of A-Z not A-ZZ! EDITOR! Please remove the errant portion of this lesson. ~Forever ours, Writer.

11/17/17
All negative fates are worse than death because death is eventually guaranteed so any bad fate is that fate plus death.

11/18/17

Become a misfortune teller, it's easier. "You will struggle financially." "You will worry about your family." "You will stub your toe really hard on multiple Saturdays."

11/19/17
The good old days were good young days.

11/20/17

The right idea could earn you millions.. of seconds of disappointment after you lose your prototype because you just had to show it to the girl running the exit of the corn maze. Now she didn't see it & your life is ruined. This'll learn ya to keep records young man. Yes it will. Shoulda done a 3D model that you could 3D print. So many Ds missed.

11/21/17
People who aren't morning persons are mourning persons when they have to wake up early.

11/22/17

All missing buttons are stolen by warrior mice who use them to make colorful armor.

11/23/17
The meat with the least calories is hand turkey.

11/24/17

Time was, many moons ago, when someone said, "Let's go listen to some rock music" it was a way of saying, "It's time for a stonin'. The screaming of a man being stoned to death is music to my ears!"

11/25/17
What you value says a lot about you, if it's a robot you programmed to brag about how you can build robots.

11/26/17

3rd party software is the best because they wait until the 3rd party to release it. Alright we're finished yes! Let's party! Ok now let's do some more testing, work some more bugs out. Yeah! Take that bugs! Let's party again! Ok now we need to run a public beta & get feedback. Alright everything is great! Let's party! Tubular! It's the 3rd party let's release it!

11/27/17
Dejavu happens because you from the future whispers things that will happen to you in your ear for 3 hours every night.

11/28/17

No one is really into speed-walking. Everyone you see doing it is just a sleep-speed-walker sleeping in.

11/29/17
All things come to he who waits… unless he's like waiting in a cave, nothing will show up in there.

11/30/17

The world is mostly twins but they're all pranking you by only showing up one at a time.

2016 | House
All Lessons 2015-2017 (unless noted)
Piemerica

top
Coming Later in 2017:
Don'tcember II