Piemerica's Lesson of/for the
No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a proud mother hen.
No one likes to be told "You're A Coward," except little Johnny who has
just been adopted into the Coward family.
No one wants to break the rules, except the people who know the rules
No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing
No one wants to be left out, except pies that are cooling.
No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to
take it to the next level.
No one wants to put mustard on a peanut butter & jelly sandwich
except mustard salesmen.
No one wants to be looked over, except dog show dogs.
No one likes to take the blame, except anonymous hackers.
No one wants a cop to shoot em unless the cop is also a photographer.
No one wants a thumb tack in their sock unless it’s hanging it from a
No one wants a cobra in their soup unless it’s cobra soup.
No one wants to get stuck in a rut except stickers. Because stickers
aren't picky they're sticky.
No one wants to throw their Life away, unless they left the box open
& it's stale.
No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.
No one wants to go through life afraid, except stylish bath rugs that
think I said, "afrayed."
No one wants their wife to disappear, except magicians.
No one likes to be made to feel less than, except <.
No one wants a toilet full of candy unless it’s post digested.
No one likes to be told to shut up, except cartoon wardrobes eager to
show off their door flapping skills.
No one wants a burger made of wax unless it’s a candle.
No one likes to be told "You're no good," except students at the
No one wants to see that.. except people reading the word that.
No-one ever wastes money, suckers just pay non-suckers.
No one ever wants to run away from home. They want to run to a new home.
No one wants an orange filled with blood, unless you're a vampire that
No one likes to feel judged, except actors on trial in their first
No one wants a knife in their back, unless they’re having surgery,
No one likes to have egg on their face, except freaky-deek chickens.
No one wants to drop the chainsaws they're juggling except treasure
hunters trying to discretely saw through the floor so they can discover
the lost golden anvils of El Rey.
No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people
If the zoo catches fire hope next day for an exotic buffet.
Hammond Eggs have the most vitamin B3.
Cloud servers always be dropping food.
Throw out your futon if aliens come to earth because futons make it far too easy for the aliens to eat us as tacos.
should change the word bonus to donus because it sounds like doughnuts
& thinking of doughnuts makes you feel even better.
stopped selling milk in the yellow jug because your milk would sneakily
drink your orange juice while your fridge door was closed.
If your flying cup keeps escaping, fill it with rocks & sand & water & Fruity Pebbles.
Moonshiner = Man of Still
Get out of the mouthless cerebellum catering business.
Putting lettuce under your bacon to keep your plate from getting greasy doesn't count as salad.
Apple marionettes allow for apple core·e·ography.
Everybody eats poo because poo is made out of food. Food is just pre-poo.
If you use a butcher knife made of petrified meat you can pork chop a pork chop.
A mass toaster shaking would solve world hunger. Although 17 minutes later world hunger would resume.
hamburgers shouldn't visit America or they'll be eaten! And they should
never befriend a sentient mustard. Mustards are racist against salsa
& horsey sauce & thought balloons.
Use a watering can to strain foods.
Live snakes shouldn't be eaten tail first.
You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills.
Don't propose a toast to butter when it's on a roll.
So you've got carbon dating, well if a soda's flat that's carbonation dating. Oh!
Ice melts if you tickle it.
water is running water, bottled water is jogging water, bath water is
sitting water, birdbath water is standing water, pool water is laying
water, pond water is ducking water, spilt water is bending over water,
holy water is bowing water, digested water is squatting water.
Chips & dips aren’t friends. They get each other eaten.
When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it coming.
If you eat mannequins as a substitute for eating humans you're a mannecannebal.
To get free toppings at a frozen yogurt shoppe say something really mean so they start throwing toppings at you.
If someone gives you a sash made of butter they're planning on cooking you.
Drinking gasoline makes you the ultimate foodie because you're dining on dinosaurs.
March is When
you visit a hunter's house & they have a bunch of empty wall mounts
it's because they're a ghost hunter & those are the ghosts they've
When you want to do something heroic, speak in a heroic tone.
When you draw water from a well using an orange it confuses things. Use blue & draw the well too.
When something cost an arm & a leg make sure to use exact change unless you're lucky enough to get the 5 finger discount.
When you build a staircase with just one stair it's a stair case.
When life gives you lemonade, take the day off.
you're budgeting for a trip it's better not to take the trip. It
doesn't matter if you can afford it. The pain of the injuries aren't
When The Going gets Tough, The Tough gets Going & soon wedding bells are ringing.
careful when considering the purchase of farmland. Most people I've
heard of who bought a farm died right around the same time.
Back in the tube days, a man could choose to sit on a tv to be on TV.
When your psychiatrist gives you a milk blot test instead of an ink blot test he's trying to see if you cry over spilt milk.
When it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
It's easy to tell when you're close but yes cigar because you can smell the cigar.
you wear a dirty shirt you look like a lazy slob unless the shirt also
has paint on it, that makes you look like a hard worker.
Beware the Ides of March because they make you google what ides are & the result is very disappointing.
When your favorite movie is Credits II: The Discrediting, you should probably become an avid reader of bibliographies.
A bad way to say you eat a lot is, "I always love satin'."
throw your hands in the air & wave em like you just don't care
& if you are seen by a bear he won't come ova here, not ova here!
You know you grew up poor when your watch had a second hand second hand.
Be careful who you ask for change for a quarter. Ask the wrong person & you could end up hospitalized for 3 months.
You must learn to crawl before you can learn.. to work your way up the adult/baby racing circuit.
no time like the present except every moment of time ever because all
of the past used to be the present & all of the future will be the
Before you can change the world, you must first.. find a fluffy pirate shirt big enough to fit it.
After all these years it's time to give up on creating a Furby/duckling cyborg.
For a better start to your day have your alarm use your favorite TV theme song.
When you spill food one morsel travels to another dimension before it hits the ground & lands in a bowl to feed their poor.
Every time you upgrade your KFC order a chicken loses its wings.
When your favorite color is red but favorite Popsicle® flavor is purple you're making the rainbow cry.
your bowling ball is heavier than your bawling bowl hydrate the bowl by
putting soup in it then have it speak to a licensed bowl therapist to
discover the root of its sorrows.
Before you borrow a
monkey's socks remember, they're not socks they're gloves. Don't be
swindled by sock monkeys, unless you have an appointment, they will
respect your punctuality & give you human socks at fair market
Sometimes now is whenever.
It's Alike April
Science is a lot like butter, it proves that butter exists.
A blanket is a lot like a bus on fire. If one lays on you you'll get warm & sleepy.
Plastic is a lot like the Web, it's a better alternative to paper.
Software is a lot like tableware, neither are used as insults.
Leaves are a lot like candied yams, they're both terrible to use as forks.
A shadow is a lot like a teacup, if the shadow is the shadow of a teacup.
Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.
Mist is a lot like fog but misty eyed & foggy eyed are very different.
Nails are a lot like lettuce, they both have heads that don't wear hats.
Santa is a lot like furniture. If you're the one sitting everything is fine. If you're the one being sat on, there's a problem.
Pine needles are a lot like marbles, they aren't good salad ingredients.
Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to take yours.
Oranges are a lot like sinks, neither rhyme with rail.
Rolls are a lot like everything, they taste better in soup.
Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink it out of a tap.
A bucket of water is a lot like a man holding a glass of Easter eggnog, if you juggle them, they'll both spill.
Roosters are a lot like crows, they both crow in the morning.
Gymnasts are a lot like fugitives. It's particularly exciting when they jump off of something.
Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly sized slices of bread.
Eyeballs are a lot like cue balls. They are both alphabet based balls which do not contain the letter they sound like.
Windows are a lot like whips, if you crack them you'll feel a breeze.
Fingers are a lot like missiles, if you point 'em at the wrong place people could blow up.
Zippers are a lot like alligator mouths, they're scariest when opened.
Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting in movies.
Scarves are a lot like cosplaying pythons, soft.
A camera is a lot like a bank vault. If you touch your eye to one you'll soon have a picture taken.
are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes.
So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.
Typewriters are a lot like mailmen, they both bring you letters.
Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands on 'em.
A pet turtle is a lot like a taco, it has a hard shell & it upsets you when it spills your cheese.
If your mind is blown get your skull checked.
If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.
If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.
If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.
If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.
Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.
If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your cap.
If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good because long poles are riddled with germites.
Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.
If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it correctly.
If your armchair was made in America it has a free loaded gun hidden inside!
If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.
If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.
If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.
If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is killing me!"
you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt & shoes
to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.
If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton that fame is better had after death.
If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.
If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they love sleeping in craters.
If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.
If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.
If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?
you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping your
pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in
/17 [[[Our 1000th consecutive day with a lesson!!]]]
If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."
If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons & blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.
you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing
the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have
this happen again!
If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.
you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The
Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.
a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry.
I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!
reasons you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some
people love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an
If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're going to eat you.
All Lessons 2015-2017 (unless
Coming Later in 2017:
Soon June III, July Genesises, Easier August, Sundrycember IV, Oddtober IV, No.vember II, Don'tcember II