Mania Week 2007
Days: 1 2 3
Day 1 -10 Lessons
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag.
However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.
Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.
Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.
Boys will be boys.. until they group up.
Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.
Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.
Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat
after about 15 minutes.
Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off
Day 2 -9 Lessons
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.
Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and
marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren
celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.
If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it
sad and then it will rain.
Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.
If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in
the reply, say "Because I don't know."
Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.
To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has
If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If
you're red you're corn fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick
type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you
laughed at this list you're a racist.
Physical fights always have sore losers.
Day 3 -12 Lessons
It is better to be insane than incrazy.
Never underestimate the number nine.
Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug
Dotted I's are I lids.
Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.
Think before you act or you'll act dumb.
Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.
If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.
There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs
as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend
is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really
distracts from the show.
If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for
If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you
shouldn't have tried this at all.
Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say
that it's a new style of tattoo.
Day 4 -11 Lessons
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.
If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.
In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten
your own hand.
It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.
If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.
It is not OK 2 OD.
If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your
presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you
When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square.
Well.. not square.
People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.
Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have
caused it. Eat pie instead.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.
Day 5 -8 Lessons
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it
in their back.
People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties,
Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term
miscommunication was created.
Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.
All reptiles are cold hearted.
Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a
hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."
Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that
protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're
Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.
Day 6 -8 Lessons
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.
Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but
if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do
it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.
Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work
Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their
A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.
You can't take public transportation to a private event.
If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was
the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want
some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That
fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me
son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll
spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks
later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends
with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle
'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their
cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll
start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss
me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of
my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap.
Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out
except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and
don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking
about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so
could you help me out?" Slap!
The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
Mania Week 2008
Day 1- 4 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3
Pollution is good for
you. It makes you
realize there should be less pollution.
When your clock is so
slow it doesn't even
know how to tell time, it's time to get a new clock.
One cannot prevent
being a slacker because
once one stops slacking one then slacks at slacking itself.
The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.
Day 2- 4 Lessons
Imitation is the
highest form of annoyance.
The reason why kids eat crayons is because they are led to believe that
colors are food when given popsicles.
Fun loving people get
bored very easily.
When you find the
onion bulbs at the top of
the mountain the koalas will stop following you through walls of
Day 3- 4 Lessons
Mexican blood is like
hot sauce it turns
mosquitoes into fireflies.
The foot heals the
fastest of all body parts
because it has a built in heel.
If you run out of
breath when walking up
stairs, the stairs went way too high into the atmosphere.
Day 4- 4 Lessons
The great thing about a sewer mane rupturing is
can fart and nobody would even know.
Drugs aren't the
answer, unless the question
is "What is not the answer?"
If everyone liked being insulted there would be no more insults.
It's hard work
gaining weight mainly because
being out of shape causes you to be out of breath all the time.
Day 5- 4 Lessons
The best time to say
goodbye is when you
first meet someone.
midgets who grew up living in circus tents find it difficult to
transition into living in houses with walls because they feel confined
in the space despite their small stature.
Investing is easy, just get in a vest.
someone tells you "It's not the end of the world" to do something and
by some coincidence the world does end when you do it, that person is
going to feel pretty bad.
Day 1- 5 Lessons
If you're afraid of loosing your home you really should have bought a
bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.
Yet another bad combination: Quick as a cat yet blind as a
Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you
appreciate a happy one.
Some holidays are observed on their nearest Monday rather than on their
actual date. The reason why Independence Day, more commonly referred to
as The Fourth of July, is not one of those holidays should be obvious.
Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still
shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.
Day 2- 5 Lessons
Silence is golden because you can't hear gold.
Yet another bad combination: Rich and famous yet childish and
It is much more difficult to vanish into thin air than into an air of
When asked "What part of no don't you understand?" Your response should
be "What part of homophone don't you understand?"
People that get mad when someone wastes food don't understand the
concept of digestion.
Day 3- 5 Lessons
Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is
Yet another bad combination: Delicious and gooey but too loud
when you're chew'n.
This lesson just goes to show you that anything can go to show you.
If your boss is always yelling at you suggest an Inter-Office Phone
It's easy to lose sleep because when you're asleep you can't pay very
Day 4- 4 Lessons
People that think hot dogs have disgusting ingredients should consider
that they are called hot dogs so any ingredient they have that isn't
dog is pretty much up from there.
Yet another bad combination: Cute and funny but no money.
If your yard catches fire put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Throw
It is never tomorrow.
Day 5- 4 Lessons
If you don't like the word bad it's probably because it is no good.
Yet another bad combination: Loud and proud in a hostile
a differing opinion.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator so you can say, "I'll see you
If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and
ask a question.
Day 6- 10 Lessons
If someone tells you to "Get Real" and you do so. Come back the next
week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."
legged animals are usually faster than 2 legged people but if you want
to feel the thrill of victory with something that has four legs, race
your table and you will win because it is not an animal.
March is the most fit month.
Yet another bad combination: Big and fat yet sleeping on a
Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know
racism is bad.
If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.
Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but will make
you feel dead much longer.
July is the least trusting month.
you're walking down the street and get shot with a harpoon you should
totally tell everyone you know about it because most people on the
street get shot with boring old guns.
In athletics often pros are cons.
Day 1- 6 Lessons
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it.
So really today is the only new day.
News is ok but of course no news is good news right?
Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because
there is more than one person involved in the second situation.
If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.
Preflexes are better than reflexes.
There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid
Day 2- 6 Lessons
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't
a light anymore.
Flashback Edition (6/12/05)
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.
Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.
A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug
While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much
worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are
in something that is upside down.
Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per
person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
Day 3- 5 Lessons
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you
own a photo ID.
When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal
communication and not other noises they may make.
A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you
comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible.
Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have
already put a pillow in your backpack.
The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you
get hurt you already have a wheelchair.
Day 4- 8 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: Humans invented pizza in the past.
An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is
England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.
When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.
Fun Food Fact: God invented fruit on the third day.
Day 5- 6 Lessons
Here's a good 1.
If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!
Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean
over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of
Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.
Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling
inanimate engines that roar.
Day 6- 6 Lessons
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage.
This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.
When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company
they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.
Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting
because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its
otherwise violently forceful suggestion.
Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being
unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than
fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.
One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the
days after that.
Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.
Mania Week 2011
Days: 1 2
Day 1- 7 Lessons
If you tell a mime to mime its own business it will be a mime miming a
mime. Then you will have a double mime and that's.. annoying.
Winners are quitters because they always quit when they are done
If English is your first language then body language is your zeroth
The reason women like to be called baby is because it makes them feel
Since when were bats and robins friends? Since April 1940 I guess.
I have a small apt. It is so small it doesn't even have all the letters.
Don't wait for someone to give you advice just go out there and take it!
Day 2- 6 Lessons
They say, "When it rains it pours" But really rain is just a bunch of
When they combined bumper pool with bumper cars bumper boats were
Sometimes people are told to give 110%. 100% is the most one person can
give so to give 110% there must be a second guy giving 10%.
Some people are only afraid to be themselves
when they are in trouble.
Eating dinner don't make ya thinner it makes swell up in your center
Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.
Day 3- 7 Lessons
Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it
will make the bear cage a tiger cage.
Sound advice is easy to give just give advice out loud.
11AM and 12AM are a lot farther apart than you'd think.
I figured out how Christians can be in Christ. It is because God is
When it comes to food the mouth is like a bad bouncer or security
guard. It is like, "Ooh you taste good! Come on in fellas!" and the
rest of the body suffers for its choices while the unhealthy food
wrecks up the place.
Sometimes it is now.
Ignorance is bliss. That is why it is fun to act ignorant.
Day 4- 7 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.
Fun War Fact: There aren't any.
Moon walking a dog sounds like a lot more fun than walking a dog.
The original name for the football huddle was "team hug" but the
coaches felt bad because they were left out. So it was renamed huddle
which is a French word meaning, "That hug thing that sports guys do."
The stupidest question is "Is this a Question?"
Retired is like regular tired but tired again because you are old.
Don't put a toy cow skull in your little sister's bed. She's gonna wake
up with a skull in her face! Well I guess she always does that.
Day 5- 7 Lessons
Slang is not cool.
Someone coined the phrase "coined the phrase."
Shampoo first sounds like the last thing you would want to put in your
hair. Sham and poo. But if there is any kind poo that I'd touch it
would be sham-poo.
All profanities originate in the French language.
Facts suck! Except the ones that I like.
You know you are afraid of gossip when you won't name your daughter
because you are afraid someone will talk about her behind her back.
The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.
Mania Week 2012
Days: 1 2
Day 1- 4 Lessons
Hunter orange is the best gang color because it will keep you from
People talk about coasting through life as if it is boring but roller
coasters are fast & exciting.
If someone asks you, "What makes you tick?" say, "Swiss engineering."
The Olympics is the thing with the Physical Mathletes.
12/18/12 Flashback Day
Day 2- 4 Lessons
To find out if someone is materialistic when you engage in conversation
with them ask them, "Do you want to talk about matter or matters?"
You can tell jocks named sports because of the names of each sport.
Baseball, basketball, football. No thought went into these names. They
just pointed & said what they saw.
The cardinal Halloween candy giving mistake is when the kids say,
"Thank you" & then you say "Anytime" and you have kids hounding
for candy everyday for the rest of your life!
Since Romney lost all oven mitts are to henceforth be called oven
Day 3- 6 Lessons
The difference between jello and jello mold is a few weeks.
Umlaut is a very good word for a sideways colon. ¨
People talk about having fun but never say anything about how to go
about getting fun, lousy elitists.
Being in a boat is not an excuse to chew the moon.
There are six key points to most keys.
When someone ends a sentence with "Don't you think?" say, "I do think,
but not about that."
Day 4- 11 Lessons
They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most
girls they are imaginary friends.
Some detectives can "put a finger on it" but it just doesn't really
My cat Rambo sat on my pillow & I said, "Move Rambo, I need max
head room." When you have a full house there is going to be growing
pains but remember family matters.
You are a rebel if you turn up the treble instead of the bass.
The reason why glass toilet seats are not popular is because people are
afraid that they will cut your butt or strainus your anus.
Escaping from a prison is incredibly easy.. if you aren't a prisoner.
Just run out of the front door & yell "I've escaped" &
to get put onto dozens of people's "to murder when I get out" list.
A bar of soap really lets the suds fly.
You spoil your milk every time you give it sugary cereal.
If you have trouble remembering things then don't try to memorize this
If you are a bird watcher, take my advice. It is easier to put the
watch on their leg than on their wing.
School sucks & pre-school sucks but post-school is awesome.
Day 5- 9 Lessons
Some people get offended when you tell them "Merry Christmas" &
that you are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" instead. But that is
twice as offensive because it involves at least 2 holidays. One of
which may be Christmas anyway.
When someone says, "Don't ask me why" instead ask them "Z?"
The best way to handle hoarders is to deport them to a 3rd world
country. They still get to live in filth but they won't have any money
to hoard anything.
You can tell whoever first said, "You can lead a horse to water but you
can't make it drink" is a pessimist because he points out a negative
thing you can't change. The quote should just be, "You can lead a horse
to water!" Now that's positive! There is a plethora of animals you
can't lead to water.
There are two kinds of toast but sorry, you won't find either on
Generals are in charge because they have general knowledge.
Floors happen when you are standing.
"You can run but you can't hide" is not a real rule in hide &
go seek. You're welcome.
Everyone was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
Mania Week 2013
Days: 1 2
4 5 6
Day 1- 3 Lessons
life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents are
people which means we're all winners because they are easy to beat.
Some people are faster than others. For example, someone read this
lesson faster than you.
Every story is a true story, an authentic story.
Day 2- 4 Lessons
When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I
just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
People who take pictures are strange thieves & are probably
your favorite thing is leaving places half of your life sucks because
there is no way around having to go to places in order to leave them.
If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on
fire, he would have wanted it that way.
Day 3- 4 Lessons
Masking a mask is also called stacking.
Big Gov aimed for one day where people wouldn't say "one day" but the
only name for the holiday they could come up with was "One Day" so the
idea was scrapped.
Only something that lacks the palpability of the 5 senses could
LITERALLY make NO sense to us.
When someone exaggerates saying something like, "It was literally 200
degrees out there." Say, "Oh I bet.. against it."
Day 4- 6 Lessons
someone is copying your style don't worry, even if they use a color
copier their paper clothes will look stupid. Of course this still
wouldn't stop them from becoming the hit of the high fashion world.
People are too scared to walk on the hot sun. I don't blame them, I
blame the sun.
If you're stupid forget about success & just get something
Even the worst jokes are funny if someone laughs at how much of a loser
you are for making bad jokes. Trust me :'(
There are a lot of things that suck but nothing sucks more than Vacubat
the Cyborg Vampire.
Everyone who has seen a cow has seen a cow with 3 legs.
Day 5- 4 Lessons
The technical term for food is unnessecarous technicalnamous.
are nerdy things for jocks. Knowing sports stats is like knowing wizard
& orb names from some nerd book. Jocks are the ultimate nerds.
least the real nerds aren't memorizing annual numbers.
Some people's eyes bug out when they see bugs.
Willy ultimately drowned because he was SO free he decided to breathe
air while still living underwater. This is why they are called killer
whales. If you gave them magical freedom (or tons of cash like Willy)
they'd be so stupid they'd kill themselves.
Day 6- 7 Lessons
The golden pirate has a treasure chest.
The reason high schools lack car racing classes is because doing laps
couldn't be considered punishment.
Things that make you blue are often out of the blue.
can't start a camp fire by rubbing two marshmallows together but if you
can figure out how to rub them apart on each other the sun will
unexplode & turn into Italian Ice.
Hard to find cuisine: A vampire cooked super rare.
of the best thing about elevators is that if you let people off in
front of you they will say "Thank you." This is great because people
thank you for standing still.
When someone tells you to "get
outta town" tell them, "I'm tired of wandering this harsh &
foreboding earth. I try to be a nice guy & do what my friends
but all of my so called friends always end up telling me to get out of
town. Well I'm finished listening to you people! YOU get out of town!
YOU GET out of MY town!" then weep openly.
Mania Week 2014
Days: 1 2
4 5 6 7
Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.
Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.
A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive
because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to
Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.
If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This
helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.
This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into
You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.
You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.
Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home
with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that
sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.
Tree carvings are tree tattoos.
Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.
You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink
from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a
mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink
some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water
in your wallet.
Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.
It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from
the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a
paper bag right next to it.
Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you
bury it. It doesn't make any sense.
Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready!
You know why?.. Because I'm driven."
Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!
OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.
Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted
are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.
When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway
just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like
you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel
like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you
don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel
like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you in the ocean if you
ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.
Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get
us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.
Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.
Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of
All Lessons 2001-2014