Lesson Mania History
Lesson Mania Week began at the end of Lesson Mania Week. On
Friday April 6, 2001 (The Joe) decided that there would be a Mania
Month in every April which started with Lesson Mania Week so bonuses
were added to the previous lessons of that week & many bonuses
added after that & the entire Lesson Mania Week was presented
people at once! So in unofficial reality all Lesson Mania Week 2001
lessons were April 6th lessons.
Lesson Mania Week 2002 may have been the
funniest Mania of them all. Some leaving Seniors even used a mania week
lesson as their leaving advice in the school paper, although they did
not credit (The Joe). The lesson used was Don't polish a
Lesson Mania Week 2003 was put at the End of April &
beginning of May so that it would be in (The Joe)'s last full school
week as a huge Lesson Mania Blow Out!!!
Lesson Mania Week 2004 was forgotten about for April but
was put in the first week of May.
Lesson Mania Week 2005 occurred right after Piemerica
from it's off time in May 2005. Lesson were written far ahead of time
but the exact beginning of the week was a mystery until the week before
it occurred. It was the hugest Lesson Mania Week ever.
Lesson Mania Week 2006 was comprised of all the lessons Emperor MAR
wrote from October 2005-July 2006 because of Piemerica's great absence.
Even though it occurred after May, Piemerica couldn't have a year
without Lesson Mania Week.
Lesson Mania Weeks 2013-2015 were chosen based on how many lessons
& good lessons had been given in previous years
during those weeks to make the lesson calendar stronger. 2015 &
2016's weeks were chosen because of Sundrycember being a miscellaneous
lesson month rather than a theme month.
Day 1 -2
Old mayonnaise maybe wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't
give a life defying disease.
Signs that say "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It
just means the people are impolite.
Day 2 -5
If your cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.
Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're
filled with food.
If your ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of
just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.
If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as
Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your
Day 3 -6
Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't
heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.
Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.
Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You
should think "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself
a statement that's so true."
Flash Forward Edition
Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.
When fishing with a pine cone there's always gonna be a little bit of
sorrow from the seal.
If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.
Day 4 -5
If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your
Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.
Hailing a cab is sacrilegious.
When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole
If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to
tell the future?
You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs &
Day 5 -8
I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.
It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never
You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my
If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like
When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"
Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a head ache
usually means you are no longer alive.
Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just
Rock malfunction? There's nothing you can do.
Day 6 -11
If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry
for it will stink there soon.
When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not
Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that
Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says "you
will become rich" not "your well became wretch."
If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.
Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human
race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.
Making a time machine is easy. Take apart a clock & put it back
Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked landmines.
If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be
Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look
as something else.
Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a
spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice
develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an
random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant.
Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic
memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.
Day 7 -11
Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.
Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.
Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking
the bad way.
Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.
Don't polish a match book with gasoline.
Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.
Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.
Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.
Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.
If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.
When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning
incredibly fat guy).
Double your Will power by kidnapping.
Day 3 -5
It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.
Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.
If you get dizzy while eating Doritos®
stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for
Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.
Double reverse equals go.
4 -5 Lessons
The following classic statement was spoken in a
conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated
"Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non
To live in a land is to live in a cave.
Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice
Headset phones should be called headphones.
go seek gone wrong:
You have a skeleton in your closet.
5 -5 Lessons
All good friends eventually have a dead end.
Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.
Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.
When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.
6 -7 Lessons
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should
as a sound effect.
When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.
Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing
but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a
Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!
Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.
Strong men can turn cans into can knots.
With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.
1 -24 Lessons
The funniest things
in life are always
unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns &
People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.
Face your fears by
doodling & make them
look friendly so you will no longer fear them.
Be cautious of being
too cautious such as
being cautious about being cautious.
You shouldn't fight
over friends unless they
are shorter than you.
When you express
happiness when someone has
died that is good mourning.
Americans prefer to
store fat in their spare
tire rather than air.
One thing that can
ruin your LIFE brand cerealTM
is running out of milk.
incredibly dangerous because its
description resembles that of The Hulk.
The highest that one
can count is in an
Wild celebrations may
lead to dangerous
Taking action is
If you have to
consult your physician you
need a new one.
Driveways are used
for parking too.
If you act stupid
that means you're really
When it rains it pours but not rain.
Take a stroll down
your street & wave to
all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at
You cannot plan to
People who use drugs
usually get their brains
Charlie Brown could
have been called Charlie
Horse because horses are brown sometimes.
To keep warm in a
blizzard use a blanket of
usually have a wealth of
An obese biker eating
a ham sandwich is a hog
on a hog eating a hog.
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.
5/16/05 Day 2
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take
People who are underweight are easily crushed.
The most common
things raised on Amish farms
are barns & children.
It is called beauty
sleep yet most people who
claim it look terrible in the morning.
Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which
you aren't poised on.
You gotta fight for
your right to party but
not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on
is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.
Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.
If you want to reach
your full potential use
When life gets you
down say "Thank you."
There is a surplus of
idiocy in the world
today yet idiocy is very costly.
Exit signs never leave.
So much in life is a
mystery but mostly just
It isn't a good idea
to scratch your head.
Being selfish isn't
being like yourself but
liking yourself too much.
Booby traps are the
best traps to fall into.
You shouldn't worry
that people who say to
you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.
Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in
It isn't wise to be
Slick surfaces are
revered by nerd surfaces.
A good place to fast
is to fast in your
A pick ax is like a
magic 8 ball except used
for much more dangerous decisions.
Having a club foot
& knowing a martial
art would be a fun combination.
Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.
Left just isn't right.
5/17/05 Day 3 -24Lessons
Most people never get their deepest desires
because they can't stand the pressure.
The sky is the limit
but not for astronauts.
who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not
having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to
The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.
If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken
Small rocks are trustworthy.
A friendly smile can
light up a person's day
but so can giving the person a lamp.
If danger is your
middle name your parents
were quite fearless people.
'People who need
people' are agents &
lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?
Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.
People who are bitter
should have never been
tasted in the first place.
The worst way to give
your child the sex talk
is by personally showing them how it is done.
A club sandwich is
the easiest club to join.
Being safe doesn't involve bees.
Simply breathing can
be referred to as
"blowing your nose"
Only fools rush
in..to things while in
You can't always say
'the right thing'
because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut
Fans catch baseball
games, the baseball
players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.
Airplanes are easier
to wish upon & they
kinda look like shooting stars too.
Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.
Gaining weight isn't
enough you must keep it
to impress people who eat lots of pie.
You can change the world if you use a shovel.
People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.
Right angles like to
5/18/05 Day 4 -23Lessons
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion
A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.
everything you hear because
sometimes you will hear lies.
Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it
isn't listening to a
Drifters don't walk
with a purpose.
Someone who mimics
you without permission is
guilty of copyright infringement.
Feather dusters are
used to dust feather
It is good to lend a
helping hand as long as
it hasn't be severed unless of course someone needs a new hand.
When everything is
fine it is hard to see yet
enjoyable to look at.
past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it
you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"
Having a pitiful life
Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell
money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.
Sadly in the 80s many
poor kids had to play
with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.
Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.
Be patient with your
enemies because if you
don't they will kill you sooner.
The sun played a
concert & it did a sun
I don't mean to burst
your bubble & that
is why I made this lesson instead.
Just as the USA has a
threat level color
system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly
People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going
but they do know where they have been.
Some people tell you
"It is not polite to
point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.
Bad company corrupts
good characters. We're
talking about Warner Brothers.
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't
5/19/05 Day 5-24Lessons
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.
Love can be fleeting
but so can ships.
You can't pick your
family but you can pick
a police line up.
If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.
people try to jog their memories of things in order to not sound bad
when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.
I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make
Surprisingly it is
more dangerous to carry a
windshield around in a hurricane.
Every time you turn
the page know that in the
time you spent on that you did age.
If practice makes
perfect then no one has
If someone knocks a
hole in the wall let them
know they were supposed to knock on the door.
Be careful what you
wish for because you are
almost certain to be disappointed.
If you enjoy pain you
may also enjoy Maine
because it is painfully cold there.
To think &
blink at the same time you
probably have to be thinking about blinking.
It is not what you do
that counts but rather
why you do it. Unless what you do is count.
Cows never utter a
the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one
ingredient, its not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.
It is wise to say to
your clock "Do not be
in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava
is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think "I'm in lava!"
when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it
people in lava probably aren't
alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.
Most people just
condition their air rather
than their bodies.
The reason why math
is important is because
of the principal of divide & conquer.
Violence is never the
answer because there is
no question as to whether you should use it.
People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.
Drinking from a straw always sucks.
You cannot put a
piranha in a toilet as a
practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously
wasn't your friend.
5/20/05 Day 6
Stupid people will be confused all their lives
if they are
accidentally given the wrong name tag.
Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.
If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that
makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of
Many people can spell but few can dispel.
The catapult wasn't
named as such because it
launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.
Sharing is halfway
between giving &
taking yet so few can make this compromise.
so many lesson in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble
remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.
& spending money can occur
at the same time.
People who drive
wrecklessly seem to wreck
Slides are fun but
they can be dangerous if
you are a bad photographer.
"Free!" is always a good sign.
It is common practice for people to push
further their career.
If you live in a
dusty old house it is
probably because the house is dusty.
The more light you
let in the more the light
lets you out.
Scooters don't sound
as though they would be
sure to understand the difference in figurative language &
language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them
something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the
schools do it.
Inside jokes aren't
as loud as outside jokes.
It is important to
give a kind word every
once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.
Bicycles will let anyone ride them.
Try to get someone to
wish you well at their
You can always count on abacuses but you can
never count on
harnesses because they always let you down.
The tv news is the
quickest & easiest
place to catch the blues.
Exchanging ideas can
lead to the person you
exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.
5/21/05 Day 7
Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to
The tallest man
always benefits the most from
People with determination need to make a choice.
No one has ever run
out of time before.
The color of your
skin doesn't matter unless
want to tan or you
Being in the company
of strangers is strange
Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their
Courts always buy
The straw who broke the camel's back was a
fat farmer who
blamed his hat.
You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because
you may hurt
People with time to spare rarely give it to others.
The best way to learn
is by experience yet
few want to use this method to learn about death.
It isn't possible to
tell someone a secret.
Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.
If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "Its high five."
Being sick isn't
healthy yet so many people
The past creates the present.
It is selfish to call
someone selfish because
that means you expect them to think of you
Face the facts. Read
You can be a cowboy
even if you don't live on
the range all you need is to be a fat young man.
Poking fun is the
only thing that makes fun
Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
When you miss someone
term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen
would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so
they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that
cavemen spoke English!
Day 1 -4
The best time to set your clock is at 12.
Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.
It is hard to be self motivated but one sure way to get yourself
motivated is to bribe yourself.
Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.
2 -5 Lessons
When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.
The best thing about the word best is that they
picked a better word.
If getting sleepy makes you cry then you are
Should times sometimes override good times.
People who say "Don't get me anything" on
usually get something from everyone they told that.
If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about
saying "You should get me something!"
People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.
3 -6 Lessons
When you don't have a paper clip just use
clip the paper yourself.
A lot of people smoke but people in high powered positions fire.
Girls are obsessed with looks & guys
If your car doesn't start the reason
is because you
pushed the break.
One who is laying and sleeping is lazy or Lay Z.
The easy way to boss things around:
Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"
4 -6 Lessons
You know you're in a good relationship when
wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.
The reason why red lights are red is because
if you drive
while one is on you can become red too.
Blood is a stain caused by pain.
The reason why they call it diarrhea "the runs"
you have to run to a toilette often.
The word adjective is a noun.
Sometimes it is ok to split someone's wig, such
their wig's hair with a comb.
5 -5 Lessons
Sleep is the one place everybody goes to.
Doors are a good way to exert dominance
because you can
Life can be confusing with all of the choosing that goes on.
The reason why the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging
to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are
competitions. Which is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother
(black guy) down.
You can't be alone if you have a loan.
6 -5 Lessons
Being on a fixed income is better than being
on a broke
A dwelling is a place where someone lives. When one dwells on something
they are living on it.
Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness
they can't see
anything in it.
When is enough enough? When your definition
of enough is
Day 1 -10 Lessons
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag.
However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.
Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.
Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.
Boys will be boys.. until they group up.
Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.
Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.
Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat
after about 15 minutes.
Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off
Day 2 -9 Lessons
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.
Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and
marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren
celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.
If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it
sad and then it will rain.
Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.
If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in
the reply, say "Because I don't know."
Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.
To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has
If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If
you're red you're corn fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick
type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you
laughed at this list you're a racist.
Physical fights always have sore losers.
Day 3 -12 Lessons
It is better to be insane than incrazy.
Never underestimate the number nine.
Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug
Dotted I's are I lids.
Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.
Think before you act or you'll act dumb.
Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.
If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.
There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs
as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend
is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really
distracts from the show.
If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for
If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you
shouldn't have tried this at all.
Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say
that it's a new style of tattoo.
Day 4 -11 Lessons
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.
If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.
In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten
your own hand.
It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.
If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.
It is not OK 2 OD.
If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your
presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you
When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square.
Well.. not square.
People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.
Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have
caused it. Eat pie instead.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.
Day 5 -8 Lessons
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it
in their back.
People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties,
Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term
miscommunication was created.
Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.
All reptiles are cold hearted.
Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a
hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."
Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that
protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're
Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.
Day 6 -8 Lessons
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.
Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but
if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do
it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.
Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work
Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their
A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.
You can't take public transportation to a private event.
If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was
the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want
some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That
fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me
son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll
spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks
later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends
with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle
'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their
cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll
start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss
me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of
my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap.
Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out
except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and
don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking
about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so
could you help me out?" Slap!
The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
Day 1- 5 Lessons
If you're afraid of loosing your home you really should have bought a
bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.
Yet another bad combination: Quick as a cat yet blind as a
Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you
appreciate a happy one.
Some holidays are observed on their nearest Monday rather than on their
actual date. The reason why Independence Day, more commonly referred to
as The Fourth of July, is not one of those holidays should be obvious.
Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still
shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.
Day 2- 5 Lessons
Silence is golden because you can't hear gold.
Yet another bad combination: Rich and famous yet childish and
It is much more difficult to vanish into thin air than into an air of
When asked "What part of no don't you understand?" Your response should
be "What part of homophone don't you understand?"
People that get mad when someone wastes food don't understand the
concept of digestion.
Day 3- 5 Lessons
Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is
Yet another bad combination: Delicious and gooey but too loud
when you're chew'n.
This lesson just goes to show you that anything can go to show you.
If your boss is always yelling at you suggest an Inter-Office Phone
It's easy to lose sleep because when you're asleep you can't pay very
Day 4- 4 Lessons
People that think hot dogs have disgusting ingredients should consider
that they are called hot dogs so any ingredient they have that isn't
dog is pretty much up from there.
Yet another bad combination: Cute and funny but no money.
If your yard catches fire put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Throw
It is never tomorrow.
Day 5- 4 Lessons
If you don't like the word bad it's probably because it is no good.
Yet another bad combination: Loud and proud in a hostile
a differing opinion.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator so you can say, "I'll see you
If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and
ask a question.
Day 6- 10 Lessons
If someone tells you to "Get Real" and you do so. Come back the next
week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."
legged animals are usually faster than 2 legged people but if you want
to feel the thrill of victory with something that has four legs, race
your table and you will win because it is not an animal.
March is the most fit month.
Yet another bad combination: Big and fat yet sleeping on a
Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know
racism is bad.
If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.
Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but will make
you feel dead much longer.
July is the least trusting month.
you're walking down the street and get shot with a harpoon you should
totally tell everyone you know about it because most people on the
street get shot with boring old guns.
Day 1- 6 Lessons
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it.
So really today is the only new day.
News is ok but of course no news is good news right?
Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because
there is more than one person involved in the second situation.
If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.
Preflexes are better than reflexes.
There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid
Day 2- 6 Lessons
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't
a light anymore.
Flashback Edition (6/12/05)
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.
Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.
A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug
While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much
worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are
in something that is upside down.
Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per
person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
Day 3- 5 Lessons
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you
own a photo ID.
When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal
communication and not other noises they may make.
A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you
comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible.
Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have
already put a pillow in your backpack.
The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you
get hurt you already have a wheelchair.
Day 4- 8 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: Humans invented pizza in the past.
An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is
England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.
When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.
Fun Food Fact: God invented fruit on the third day.
Day 5- 6 Lessons
Here's a good 1.
If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!
Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean
over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of
Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.
Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling
inanimate engines that roar.
Day 6- 6 Lessons
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage.
This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.
When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company
they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.
Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting
because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its
otherwise violently forceful suggestion.
Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being
unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than
fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.
One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the
days after that.
Day 1- 7 Lessons
If you tell a mime to mime its own business it will be a mime miming a
mime. Then you will have a double mime and that's.. annoying.
Winners are quitters because they always quit when they are done
If English is your first language then body language is your zeroth
The reason women like to be called baby is because it makes them feel
Since when were bats and robins friends? Since April 1940 I guess.
I have a small apt. It is so small it doesn't even have all the letters.
Don't wait for someone to give you advice just go out there and take it!
Day 2- 6 Lessons
They say, "When it rains it pours" But really rain is just a bunch of
When they combined bumper pool with bumper cars bumper boats were
Sometimes people are told to give 110%. 100% is the most one person can
give so to give 110% there must be a second guy giving 10%.
Some people are only afraid to be themselves
when they are in trouble.
Eating dinner don't make ya thinner it makes swell up in your center
Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.
Day 3- 7 Lessons
Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it
will make the bear cage a tiger cage.
Sound advice is easy to give just give advice out loud.
11AM and 12AM are a lot farther apart than you'd think.
I figured out how Christians can be in Christ. It is because God is
When it comes to food the mouth is like a bad bouncer or security
guard. It is like, "Ooh you taste good! Come on in fellas!" and the
rest of the body suffers for its choices while the unhealthy food
wrecks up the place.
Sometimes it is now.
Ignorance is bliss. That is why it is fun to act ignorant.
Day 4- 7 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.
Fun War Fact: There aren't any.
Moon walking a dog sounds like a lot more fun than walking a dog.
The original name for the football huddle was "team hug" but the
coaches felt bad because they were left out. So it was renamed huddle
which is a French word meaning, "That hug thing that sports guys do."
The stupidest question is "Is this a Question?"
Retired is like regular tired but tired again because you are old.
Don't put a toy cow skull in your little sister's bed. She's gonna wake
up with a skull in her face! Well I guess she always does that.
Day 5- 7 Lessons
Slang is not cool.
Someone coined the phrase "coined the phrase."
Shampoo first sounds like the last thing you would want to put in your
hair. Sham and poo. But if there is any kind poo that I'd touch it
would be sham-poo.
All profanities originate in the French language.
Facts suck! Except the ones that I like.
You know you are afraid of gossip when you won't name your daughter
because you are afraid someone will talk about her behind her back.
The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.
Day 1- 4 Lessons
Hunter orange is the best gang color because it will keep you from
People talk about coasting through life as if it is boring but roller
coasters are fast & exciting.
If someone asks you, "What makes you tick?" say, "Swiss engineering."
The Olympics is the thing with the Physical Mathletes.
12/18/12 Flashback Day
Day 2- 4 Lessons
To find out if someone is materialistic when you engage in conversation
with them ask them, "Do you want to talk about matter or matters?"
You can tell jocks named sports because of the names of each sport.
Baseball, basketball, football. No thought went into these names. They
just pointed & said what they saw.
The cardinal Halloween candy giving mistake is when the kids say,
"Thank you" & then you say "Anytime" and you have kids hounding
for candy everyday for the rest of your life!
Since Romney lost all oven mitts are to henceforth be called oven
Day 3- 6 Lessons
The difference between jello and jello mold is a few weeks.
Umlaut is a very good word for a sideways colon. ¨
People talk about having fun but never say anything about how to go
about getting fun, lousy elitists.
Being in a boat is not an excuse to chew the moon.
There are six key points to most keys.
When someone ends a sentence with "Don't you think?" say, "I do think,
but not about that."
Day 4- 11 Lessons
They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most
girls they are imaginary friends.
Some detectives can "put a finger on it" but it just doesn't really
My cat Rambo sat on my pillow & I said, "Move Rambo, I need max
head room." When you have a full house there is going to be growing
pains but remember family matters.
You are a rebel if you turn up the treble instead of the bass.
The reason why glass toilet seats are not popular is because people are
afraid that they will cut your butt or strainus your anus.
Escaping from a prison is incredibly easy.. if you aren't a prisoner.
Just run out of the front door & yell "I've escaped" &
to get put onto dozens of people's "to murder when I get out" list.
A bar of soap really lets the suds fly.
You spoil your milk every time you give it sugary cereal.
If you have trouble remembering things then don't try to memorize this
If you are a bird watcher, take my advice. It is easier to put the
watch on their leg than on their wing.
School sucks & pre-school sucks but post-school is awesome.
Day 5- 9 Lessons
Some people get offended when you tell them "Merry Christmas" &
that you are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" instead. But that is
twice as offensive because it involves at least 2 holidays. One of
which may be Christmas anyway.
When someone says, "Don't ask me why" instead ask them "Z?"
The best way to handle hoarders is to deport them to a 3rd world
country. They still get to live in filth but they won't have any money
to hoard anything.
You can tell whoever first said, "You can lead a horse to water but you
can't make it drink" is a pessimist because he points out a negative
thing you can't change. The quote should just be, "You can lead a horse
to water!" Now that's positive! There is a plethora of animals you
can't lead to water.
There are two kinds of toast but sorry, you won't find either on
Generals are in charge because they have general knowledge.
Floors happen when you are standing.
"You can run but you can't hide" is not a real rule in hide &
go seek. You're welcome.
Everyone was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
Day 1- 3 Lessons
life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents are
people which means we're all winners because they are easy to beat.
Some people are faster than others. For example, someone read this
lesson faster than you.
Every story is a true story, an authentic story.
Day 2- 4 Lessons
When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I
just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
People who take pictures are strange thieves & are probably
your favorite thing is leaving places half of your life sucks because
there is no way around having to go to places in order to leave them.
If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on
fire, he would have wanted it that way.
Day 3- 4 Lessons
Masking a mask is also called stacking.
Big Gov aimed for one day where people wouldn't say "one day" but the
only name for the holiday they could come up with was "One Day" so the
idea was scrapped.
Only something that lacks the palpability of the 5 senses could
LITERALLY make NO sense to us.
When someone exaggerates saying something like, "It was literally 200
degrees out there." Say, "Oh I bet.. against it."
Day 4- 6 Lessons
someone is copying your style don't worry, even if they use a color
copier their paper clothes will look stupid. Of course this still
wouldn't stop them from becoming the hit of the high fashion world.
People are too scared to walk on the hot sun. I don't blame them, I
blame the sun.
If you're stupid forget about success & just get something
Even the worst jokes are funny if someone laughs at how much of a loser
you are for making bad jokes. Trust me :'(
There are a lot of things that suck but nothing sucks more than Vacubat
the Cyborg Vampire.
Everyone who has seen a cow has seen a cow with 3 legs.
Day 5- 4 Lessons
The technical term for food is unnessecarous technicalnamous.
are nerdy things for jocks. Knowing sports stats is like knowing wizard
& orb names from some nerd book. Jocks are the ultimate nerds.
least the real nerds aren't memorizing annual numbers.
Some people's eyes bug out when they see bugs.
Willy ultimately drowned because he was SO free he decided to breathe
air while still living underwater. This is why they are called killer
whales. If you gave them magical freedom (or tons of cash like Willy)
they'd be so stupid they'd kill themselves.
Day 6- 7 Lessons
The golden pirate has a treasure chest.
The reason high schools lack car racing classes is because doing laps
couldn't be considered punishment.
Things that make you blue are often out of the blue.
can't start a camp fire by rubbing two marshmallows together but if you
can figure out how to rub them apart on each other the sun will
unexplode & turn into Italian Ice.
Hard to find cuisine: A vampire cooked super rare.
of the best thing about elevators is that if you let people off in
front of you they will say "Thank you." This is great because people
thank you for standing still.
When someone tells you to "get
outta town" tell them, "I'm tired of wandering this harsh &
foreboding earth. I try to be a nice guy & do what my friends
but all of my so called friends always end up telling me to get out of
town. Well I'm finished listening to you people! YOU get out of town!
YOU GET out of MY town!" then weep openly.
Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.
Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.
A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive
because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to
Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.
If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This
helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.
This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into
You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.
You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.
Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home
with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that
sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.
Tree carvings are tree tattoos.
Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.
You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink
from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a
mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink
some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water
in your wallet.
Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.
It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from
the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a
paper bag right next to it.
Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you
bury it. It doesn't make any sense.
Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready!
You know why?.. Because I'm driven."
Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!
OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.
Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted
are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.
When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway
just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like
you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel
like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you
don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel
like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you in the ocean if you
ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.
Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get
us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.
Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.
Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of
Day 1- 3 Lessons
reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is
they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get
or high they know what state to return themselves to.
cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.
computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.
Day 2- 3 Lessons
players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate" after
is always intense, the present tense.
the steaks is bad for tents.
Day 3- 3 Lessons
is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."
hugged by a zipper hurts!
shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin sauce
take a bite out of ya.
Day 4- 3 Lessons
you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras don't
anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot. "People spend
billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"
you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a
head at no extra charge.
make us all suck.
Day 5- 3 Lessons
optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent
women but the high value of daughters.
are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.
is a spaceship's yard.
Day 6- 3 Lessons
reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even poorer
some fat stored up to help them survive.
the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
Day 7- 3 Lessons
a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will
who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad at