Lesson Mania Weeks

Lesson Mania Weeks:
2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016
Lessons | Related Blogs
Lesson Mania History
  Lesson Mania Week began at the end of Lesson Mania Week. On Friday April 6, 2001 (The Joe) decided that there would be a Mania Month in every April which started with Lesson Mania Week so bonuses were added to the previous lessons of that week & many bonuses were added after that & the entire Lesson Mania Week was presented to people at once! So in unofficial reality all Lesson Mania Week 2001 lessons were April 6th lessons.
  Lesson Mania Week 2002 may have been the funniest Mania of them all. Some leaving Seniors even used a mania week lesson as their leaving advice in the school paper, although they did not credit (The Joe). The lesson used was Don't polish a match book with gasoline.
  Lesson Mania Week 2003 was put at the End of April & beginning of May so that it would be in (The Joe)'s last full school week as a huge Lesson Mania Blow Out!!!
  Lesson Mania Week 2004 was forgotten about for April but then was put in the first week of May.
  Lesson Mania Week 2005 occurred right after Piemerica returned from it's off time in May 2005. Lesson were written far ahead of time but the exact beginning of the week was a mystery until the week before it occurred. It was the hugest Lesson Mania Week ever.
  Lesson Mania Week 2006 was comprised of all the lessons Emperor MAR wrote from October 2005-July 2006 because of Piemerica's great absence. Even though it occurred after May, Piemerica couldn't have a year without Lesson Mania Week.
  Lesson Mania Weeks 2013-2015 were chosen based on how many lessons  & good lessons had been given in previous years during those weeks to make the lesson calendar stronger. 2015-2017's weeks were chosen because of Sundrycember being a miscellaneous lesson month rather than a theme month. 2018 kicked off the year with Lesson Mania Week for the first time ever with lessons inspired by rejected lessons from the book Lesson Mania 2.
Mania Statistics
2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010
18 Lessons
48 Lessons
70 Lessons
32 Lessons
166 Lessons
31 Lessons
58 Lessons
20 Lessons
  34 Lessons
36 Lessons
2011 2012 2014 2015 2016 2017 2018
34 Lessons
34 Lessons
28 Lessons
24 Lessons
21 Lessons
15 Lessons
15 Lessons
18 Lessons

Lesson Mania Week 2001
4/6/01 (4/2/01-4/6/01)
18 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 Bonus
Day 1 -3 Lessons
If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the number for 911 you probably won't live through the night.

Even a simple container busts when poorly smashed.

Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as breathing (in outer space).

Day 2 -3 Lessons
Flash Forward Edition: 2036 Piemerica
These new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.

Three Day Flashback Edition
The only way i know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.

Taking residence in a shoe improves can lake cord have seat blast crop ham yacht bone valid activity.

Day 3 -2 Lessons
Catastrosphere's Lesson
If trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however get you thrown into a mental ward.

Day 4 -1 Lesson
Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.

Day 5 -3 Lessons
A chemical reaction

if you are looking for answers first you need questions.

Cars cannot fly so stay away from that downed bridge.

BONUS Lessons!!!
6 Lessons

Busy People have a problem with not being able to turn into sugar.

Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at night .

Paint does not wash windows well.

Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.

Giant rocks can't swim.


Lesson Mania Week 2002
48 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Day 1 -2 Lessons
Old mayonnaise maybe wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise won't give a life defying disease.

Signs that say "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It just means the people are impolite.

Day 2 -5 Lessons
If your cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.

Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're filled with food.

If your ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of it just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.

If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as mad.

Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your soap is.

Day 3 -6 Lessons
Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.

Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.

Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You should think "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself a statement that's so true."

Flash Forward Edition
Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.

When fishing with a pine cone there's always gonna be a little bit of sorrow from the seal.

If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.

Day 4 -5 Lessons
If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword. Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.

Hailing a cab is sacrilegious.

When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole is plugged.

If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to tell the future?

You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.

Day 5 -8 Lessons
I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.

It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never ends.

You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my weight.

If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like plateaus.

When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"

Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a head ache usually means you are no longer alive.

Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just stationary.

Rock malfunction? There's nothing you can do.

Day 6 -11 Lessons
If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away for it will stink there soon.

When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not near.

Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that is.

Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says "you will become rich" not "your well became wretch."

If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.

Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.

Making a time machine is easy. Take apart a clock & put it back together.

Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked landmines.

If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be cold.

Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look as something else.

Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant. Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.

Day 7 -11 Lessons
Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.

Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.

Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking the bad way.

Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.

Don't polish a match book with gasoline.

Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.

Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.

Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.

Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.

If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.

If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

Lesson Mania Week 2003
70 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Journal About This Week
Day 1 -4 Lessons
Instead of being interesting I'm just resting.
-  >Legend<

If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.

Its easy to be a pickpocket just choose.

Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.

Day 2 -3 Lessons
The one thing the past has taught me is that time goes by.

The things I am reminded of the most are memories.

When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.

Day 3 -7 Lessons
If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.

Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.

When planning for the future use a calendar.

When planning for the past.. don't plan for the past.

If your water cries throw it on the fire.

An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.

When face to face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.

Day 4 -13 Lessons
Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire & throwing it in your face.

If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it's been done.

When crashing a car on purpose remember you are crashing a car on purpose!

If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.

The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say "Don't forget to give back my clock."

"Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts & live there or sell them you real-estate agents you.

If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...

If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for help or tell on you.

Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you

Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.

Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within.

If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats a envelope of varnish & then tackle a infected tree.

Day 5 -14 Lessons
You can't write with a chalkboard.

Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain of your freedomalistic obligation.

When arguing at sea don't go overboard.

Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.

Confiscating without cause is theft.

If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"

May is the most polite month.

The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that they don't scream although you do.

Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.

If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.

The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.

The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better" really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.

Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.

Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.

Day 6 -13 Lessons
If you want to sound smart don’t fart!
Don’t fart anyway.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr. Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!

Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.

Magnets have peels in their circuits.

20 candy bars = bag of sugar

A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..

Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.

If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead of you.

When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.

Move to a third world country before you die.

If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the form of the back of a shovel).

Day 7 -13 Lessons
Homeless people can be homely.
Table salt is best used when eating a table.
If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.
Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.
He may think you said a savage eating!
Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear everything.
Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.
As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men in March.
How to tell if a kid has talent:
If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did, the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.
Coin collectors should be rich.
Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?
It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.
If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny like that.
If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.
Lesson Mania Week 2004
32 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 6
Day 1 -5 Lessons
If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.

When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a natural move to fake one's death.

If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.

When you're told "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.

Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!

Day 2 -5 Lessons
Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations require dicing action.

If you don't care forever you don't care at all.

You can stop avoiding the Noid now.

When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning incredibly fat guy).

Double your Will power by kidnapping.

Day 3 -5 Lessons
It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.

Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.

If you get dizzy while eating Doritos® stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning you Frito-Lay)

Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.

Flashback Edition:
Double reverse equals go.

Day 4 -5 Lessons
The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between two fat people & should only be replicated as such.
"Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non inno¢ent.

To live in a land is to live in a cave.

Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one sided conversation.

Headset phones should be called headphones.

Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.

Day 5 -5 Lessons
Ground up=Air

All good friends eventually have a dead end.

Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.

Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.

When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.

Day 6 -7 Lessons
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say slack as a sound effect.

When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.

Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a normal thing.

Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!

Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.

Strong men can turn cans into can knots.

With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.

Lesson Mania Week 2005
166 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Day 1 -24 Lessons
The funniest things in life are always unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll be funnier.

People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.

Face your fears by doodling & make them look friendly so you will no longer fear them.

Be cautious of being too cautious such as being cautious about being cautious.

You shouldn't fight over friends unless they are shorter than you.

When you express happiness when someone has died that is good mourning.

Americans prefer to store fat in their spare tire rather than air.

One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cerealTM is running out of milk.

Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its description resembles that of The Hulk.

The highest that one can count is in an airplane.

Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

Taking action is taking action.

If you have to consult your physician you need a new one.

Driveways are used for parking too.

If you act stupid that means you're really smart.

When it rains it pours but not rain.

Take a stroll down your street & wave to all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at all.

You cannot plan to make mistakes.

People who use drugs usually get their brains scrambled.

Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie Horse because horses are brown sometimes.

To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of snow.

Wealthy people usually have a wealth of arrogance.

An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog on a hog eating a hog.

Flashback Edition:
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.

Day 2 -24 Lessons
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone it will take it.

People who are underweight are easily crushed.

The most common things raised on Amish farms are barns & children.

It is called beauty sleep yet most people who claim it look terrible in the morning.

Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.

You gotta fight for your right to party but not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on time!

Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.

Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.

If you want to reach your full potential use a stick.

When life gets you down say "Thank you."

There is a surplus of idiocy in the world today yet idiocy is very costly.

Exit signs never leave.

So much in life is a mystery but mostly just history.

It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.

Being selfish isn't being like yourself but liking yourself too much.

Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.

You shouldn't worry that people who say to you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.
Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in your sleep.

It isn't wise to be stupid.

Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.

A good place to fast is to fast in your seatbelt.

A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

Having a club foot & knowing a martial art would be a fun combination.

Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.

Left just isn't right.

Day 3 -24Lessons
Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.

The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.

If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.

Small rocks are trustworthy.

A friendly smile can light up a person's day but so can giving the person a lamp.

If danger is your middle name your parents were quite fearless people.

'People who need people' are agents & lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?

Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.

People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.

The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.

A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.

Being safe doesn't involve bees.

Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"

Only fools rush in..to things while in shopping carts.

You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.

Fans catch baseball games, the baseball players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.

Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they kinda look like shooting stars too.

Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.

Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it to impress people who eat lots of pie.

Flashback Edition:
You can change the world if you use a shovel.

People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.

Right angles like to gloat.

Day 4 -23Lessons
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push brooms.

A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.

Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.

Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it by choice.

Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

Drifters don't walk with a purpose.

Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

Feather dusters are used to dust feather dusters.

It is good to lend a helping hand as long as it hasn't be severed unless of course someone needs a new hand.

When everything is fine it is hard to see yet enjoyable to look at.

Walking past the past benefits you none & you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like that one lesson"

Having a pitiful life stinks.

Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.

Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.

Be patient with your enemies because if you don't they will kill you sooner.

The sun played a concert & it did a sun set.

I don't mean to burst your bubble & that is why I made this lesson instead.

Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.

People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going but they do know where they have been.

Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

Bad company corrupts good characters. We're talking about Warner Brothers.

Ignorant Lesson:
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.

Day 5-24Lessons
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

Love can be fleeting but so can ships.

You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.

If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.

Lazy people try to jog their memories of things in order to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make sense.

Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.

Every time you turn the page know that in the time you spent on that you did age.

If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.

Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine because it is painfully cold there.

To think & blink at the same time you probably have to be thinking about blinking.

It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.

Cows never utter a word.

Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, its not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure more people think "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.

Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.

The reason why math is important is because of the principal of divide & conquer.

Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.

People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.

Drinking from a straw always sucks.

You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

Day 6 -23Lessons
Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are accidentally given the wrong name tag.

Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.

If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of life.

Many people can spell but few can dispel.

The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

With so many lesson in Lesson Mania Week 2005 you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we don't make them useful.

Spending time & spending money can occur at the same time.

People who drive wrecklessly seem to wreck the most.

Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

"Free!" is always a good sign.

It is common practice for people to push themselves to further their career.

If you live in a dusty old house it is probably because the house is dusty.

The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.

Scooters don't sound as though they would be fast vehicles.

Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.

Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

It is important to give a kind word every once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.

Bicycles will let anyone ride them.

Try to get someone to wish you well at their birthday party.

You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.

The tv news is the quickest & easiest place to catch the blues.

Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.

Day 7 -24Lessons
Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters®, Screw Drivers®, & Potato Wedges®.

The tallest man always benefits the most from giving up.

People with determination need to make a choice.

No one has ever run out of time before.

The color of your skin doesn't matter unless want to tan or you spilt paint on yourself.

Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.

Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.

Courts always buy sturdy tables.

The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt yourself.

People with time to spare rarely give it to others.

The best way to learn is by experience yet few want to use this method to learn about death.

It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.

If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "Its high five."

Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people do it!

The past creates the present.

It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.

Face the facts. Read a book.

You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range all you need is to be a fat young man.

Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

When you miss someone try again.

Flashback Edition:
The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

Lesson Mania Week 2006
31 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 6

Day 1 -4 Lessons
The best time to set your clock is at 12.

Men are dogs mainly because dogs chase cats.

It is hard to be self motivated but one sure way to get yourself motivated is to bribe yourself.

Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.

Day 2 -5 Lessons
Flashback Edition:
When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.

The best thing about the word best is that they couldn't have picked a better word.

If getting sleepy makes you cry then you are sleepy weepy

Should times sometimes override good times.

People who say "Don't get me anything" on gift occasions usually get something from everyone they told that.
If you really don't want anyone to get you anything you should go about saying "You should get me something!"
People will think you are a jerk & won't get you anything.

Day 3 -6 Lessons
When you don't have a paper clip just use scissors & clip the paper yourself.

A lot of people smoke but people in high powered positions fire.

Girls are obsessed with looks & guys are obsessed with looking.

If your car doesn't start the reason  is because you pushed the break.

One who is laying and sleeping is lazy or Lay Z.

The easy way to boss things around:
Go to the kitchen and be like "chill out freezer"

Day 4 -6 Lessons
You know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.

The reason why red lights are red is because if you drive while one is on you can become red too.

Blood is a stain caused by pain.

The reason why they call it diarrhea "the runs" is because you have to run to a toilette often.

The word adjective is a noun.

Sometimes it is ok to split someone's wig, such as parting their wig's hair with a comb.

Day 5 -5 Lessons
Sleep is the one place everybody goes to.

Doors are a good way to exert dominance because you can push them.

Life can be confusing with all of the choosing that goes on.

The reason why the word 'race' was used to indicate persons belonging to the same genetic stock was due to the reason that all races are competitions. Which is why "The Man" is always trying to keep a brother (black guy) down.

You can't be alone if you have a loan.

Day 6 -5 Lessons
Being on a fixed income is better than being on a broke income.

A dwelling is a place where someone lives. When one dwells on something they are living on it.

Most people's eyes are sensitive to darkness they can't see anything in it.

When is enough enough? When your definition of enough is too much.

Death is just around the coroner.

Lesson Mania Week 2007
58 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5 6
Day 1 -10 Lessons
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.

Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag. However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.

Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.

Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.

Boys will be boys.. until they group up.

Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.

Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.

Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat after about 15 minutes.

Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.

Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off confusion.

Day 2 -9 Lessons
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.

Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.

If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it sad and then it will rain.

Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.

If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in the reply, say "Because I don't know."

Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.

To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has bark.

If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If you're red you're corn fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you laughed at this list you're a racist.

Physical fights always have sore losers.

Day 3 -12 Lessons
It is better to be insane than incrazy.

Never underestimate the number nine.

Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug into learning.

Dotted I's are I lids.

Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.

Think before you act or you'll act dumb.

Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.

If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.

There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really distracts from the show.

If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for you yet.

If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you shouldn't have tried this at all.

Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say that it's a new style of tattoo.

Day 4 -11 Lessons
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.

If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.

In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten your own hand.

It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.

If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.

It is not OK 2 OD.

If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you actually wanted.

When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square. Well.. not square.

People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.

Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have caused it. Eat pie instead.

Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.

Day 5 -8 Lessons
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it in their back.

People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties, and hundreds.

Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term miscommunication was created.

Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.

All reptiles are cold hearted.

Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."

Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're alone.

Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.

Day 6 -8 Lessons
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.

Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.

Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work late.

Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their home planet.

A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.

You can't take public transportation to a private event.

If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle 'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap. Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so could you help me out?" Slap!

The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
Lesson Mania Week 2008
20 Lessons
Days:  1 2 3 4 5
Day 1- 4 Lessons
Pollution is good for you. It makes you realize there should be less pollution.

When your clock is so slow it doesn't even know how to tell time, it's time to get a new clock.

One cannot prevent being a slacker because once one stops slacking one then slacks at slacking itself.

The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.

Day 2- 4 Lessons
Imitation is the highest form of annoyance.

The reason why kids eat crayons is because they are led to believe that colors are food when given popsicles.

Fun loving people get bored very easily.

When you find the onion bulbs at the top of the mountain the koalas will stop following you through walls of gelatin.

Day 3- 4 Lessons
Mexican blood is like hot sauce it turns mosquitoes into fireflies.

Soap-operas aren't clean. However Soap-&-water-operas are.

The foot heals the fastest of all body parts because it has a built in heel.

If you run out of breath when walking up stairs, the stairs went way too high into the atmosphere.

Day 4- 4 Lessons
The great thing about a sewer mane rupturing is that you can fart and nobody would even know.

Drugs aren't the answer, unless the question is "What is not the answer?"

If everyone liked being insulted there would be no more insults.

It's hard work gaining weight mainly because being out of shape causes you to be out of breath all the time.

Day 5- 4 Lessons
The best time to say goodbye is when you first meet someone.

Circus midgets who grew up living in circus tents find it difficult to transition into living in houses with walls because they feel confined in the space despite their small stature.

Investing is easy, just get in a vest.

If someone tells you "It's not the end of the world" to do something and by some coincidence the world does end when you do it, that person is going to feel pretty bad.

Lesson Mania Week 2009
33 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Day 1- 5 Lessons
If you're afraid of loosing your home you really should have bought a bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.

Flashback Edition:
Yet another bad combination:  Quick as a cat yet blind as a bat.

Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you appreciate a happy one.

Some holidays are observed on their nearest Monday rather than on their actual date. The reason why Independence Day, more commonly referred to as The Fourth of July, is not one of those holidays should be obvious.

Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.

Day 2- 5 Lessons
Silence is golden because you can't hear gold.

Yet another bad combination:  Rich and famous yet childish and aimless.

It is much more difficult to vanish into thin air than into an air of average thickness.

When asked "What part of no don't you understand?" Your response should be "What part of homophone don't you understand?"

People that get mad when someone wastes food don't understand the concept of digestion.

Day 3- 5 Lessons
Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is bending.

Yet another bad combination:  Delicious and gooey but too loud when you're chew'n.

This lesson just goes to show you that anything can go to show you.

If your boss is always yelling at you suggest an Inter-Office Phone System.

It's easy to lose sleep because when you're asleep you can't pay very good attention.

Day 4- 4 Lessons
People that think hot dogs have disgusting ingredients should consider that they are called hot dogs so any ingredient they have that isn't dog is pretty much up from there.

Yet another bad combination:  Cute and funny but no money.

If your yard catches fire put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Throw Fire"

It is never tomorrow.

Day 5- 4 Lessons
If you don't like the word bad it's probably because it is no good.

Yet another bad combination:  Loud and proud in a hostile crowd of a differing opinion.

Take the stairs instead of the elevator so you can say, "I'll see you even later."

If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and ask a question.

Day 6- 10 Lessons
If someone tells you to "Get Real" and you do so. Come back the next week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."

Four legged animals are usually faster than 2 legged people but if you want to feel the thrill of victory with something that has four legs, race your table and you will win because it is not an animal.

March is the most fit month.

Yet another bad combination:  Big and fat yet sleeping on a thin mat.

Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know racism is bad.

If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.

Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but will make you feel dead much longer.

July is the least trusting month.

If you're walking down the street and get shot with a harpoon you should totally tell everyone you know about it because most people on the street get shot with boring old guns.

In athletics often pros are cons.

Lesson Mania Week 2010
36 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5 6

Day 1- 6 Lessons
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it. So really today is the only new day.

News is ok but of course no news is good news right?

Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because there is more than one person involved in the second situation.

If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.

Preflexes are better than reflexes.

There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid statements.

Day 2- 6 Lessons
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't a light anymore.

Flashback Edition (6/12/05)
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.

Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.

A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug you.

While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are in something that is upside down.

Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.

Day 3- 5 Lessons
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.

A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you own a photo ID.

When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal communication and not other noises they may make.

A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible. Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have already put a pillow in your backpack.

The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you get hurt you already have a wheelchair.

Day 4- 8 Lessons
Fun Food Fact:  Humans invented pizza in the past.

An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.

Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is something.

England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.

When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.

Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.

The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.

Fun Food Fact:  God invented fruit on the third day.

Day 5- 6 Lessons
Here's a good 1.

If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!

Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of getting up.

Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.

Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.

Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling inanimate engines that roar.

Day 6- 6 Lessons
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage. This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.

When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.

Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its otherwise violently forceful suggestion.

Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.

One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the days after that.

Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.

Lesson Mania Week 2011
34 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5
Day 1- 7 Lessons
If you tell a mime to mime its own business it will be a mime miming a mime. Then you will have a double mime and that's.. annoying.

Winners are quitters because they always quit when they are done winning.

If English is your first language then body language is your zeroth language.

The reason women like to be called baby is because it makes them feel younger.

Since when were bats and robins friends? Since April 1940 I guess.

I have a small apt. It is so small it doesn't even have all the letters.

Don't wait for someone to give you advice just go out there and take it!

Day 2- 6 Lessons
They say, "When it rains it pours" But really rain is just a bunch of drips.

When they combined bumper pool with bumper cars bumper boats were invented.

Sometimes people are told to give 110%. 100% is the most one person can give so to give 110% there must be a second guy giving 10%.

Some people are only afraid to be themselves when they are in trouble.

Eating dinner don't make ya thinner it makes swell up in your center

Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.

Day 3- 7 Lessons
Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it will make the bear cage a tiger cage.

Sound advice is easy to give just give advice out loud.

11AM and 12AM are a lot farther apart than you'd think.

I figured out how Christians can be in Christ. It is because God is holy.

When it comes to food the mouth is like a bad bouncer or security guard. It is like, "Ooh you taste good! Come on in fellas!" and the rest of the body suffers for its choices while the unhealthy food wrecks up the place.

Sometimes it is now.

Ignorance is bliss. That is why it is fun to act ignorant.

Day 4- 7 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.

Fun War Fact: There aren't any.

Moon walking a dog sounds like a lot more fun than walking a dog.

The original name for the football huddle was "team hug" but the coaches felt bad because they were left out. So it was renamed huddle which is a French word meaning, "That hug thing that sports guys do."

The stupidest question is "Is this a Question?"

Retired is like regular tired but tired again because you are old.

Don't put a toy cow skull in your little sister's bed. She's gonna wake up with a skull in her face! Well I guess she always does that.

Day 5- 7 Lessons
Slang is not cool.

Someone coined the phrase "coined the phrase."

Shampoo first sounds like the last thing you would want to put in your hair. Sham and poo. But if there is any kind poo that I'd touch it would be sham-poo.

All profanities originate in the French language.

Facts suck! Except the ones that I like.

You know you are afraid of gossip when you won't name your daughter because you are afraid someone will talk about her behind her back.

The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.
Lesson Mania Week 2012
34 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5
Day 1- 4 Lessons
Hunter orange is the best gang color because it will keep you from getting shot.

People talk about coasting through life as if it is boring but roller coasters are fast & exciting.

If someone asks you, "What makes you tick?" say, "Swiss engineering."

The Olympics is the thing with the Physical Mathletes.

12/18/12 Flashback Day
Day 2- 4 Lessons
To find out if someone is materialistic when you engage in conversation with them ask them, "Do you want to talk about matter or matters?"

You can tell jocks named sports because of the names of each sport. Baseball, basketball, football. No thought went into these names. They just pointed & said what they saw.

The cardinal Halloween candy giving mistake is when the kids say, "Thank you" & then you say "Anytime" and you have kids hounding you for candy everyday for the rest of your life!

Since Romney lost all oven mitts are to henceforth be called oven obamas.

Day 3- 6 Lessons
The difference between jello and jello mold is a few weeks.

Umlaut is a very good word for a sideways colon. ¨

People talk about having fun but never say anything about how to go about getting fun, lousy elitists.

Being in a boat is not an excuse to chew the moon.

There are six key points to most keys.

When someone ends a sentence with "Don't you think?" say, "I do think, but not about that."

Day 4- 11 Lessons
They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most girls they are imaginary friends.

Some detectives can "put a finger on it" but it just doesn't really help.

My cat Rambo sat on my pillow & I said, "Move Rambo, I need max head room." When you have a full house there is going to be growing pains but remember family matters.

You are a rebel if you turn up the treble instead of the bass.

The reason why glass toilet seats are not popular is because people are afraid that they will cut your butt or strainus your anus.

Escaping from a prison is incredibly easy.. if you aren't a prisoner. Just run out of the front door & yell "I've escaped" & be ready to get put onto dozens of people's "to murder when I get out" list.

A bar of soap really lets the suds fly.

You spoil your milk every time you give it sugary cereal.

If you have trouble remembering things then don't try to memorize this lesson.

If you are a bird watcher, take my advice. It is easier to put the watch on their leg than on their wing.

School sucks & pre-school sucks but post-school is awesome.

Day 5- 9 Lessons
Some people get offended when you tell them "Merry Christmas" & that you are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" instead. But that is twice as offensive because it involves at least 2 holidays. One of which may be Christmas anyway.

When someone says, "Don't ask me why" instead ask them "Z?"

The best way to handle hoarders is to deport them to a 3rd world country. They still get to live in filth but they won't have any money to hoard anything.

You can tell whoever first said, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is a pessimist because he points out a negative thing you can't change. The quote should just be, "You can lead a horse to water!" Now that's positive! There is a plethora of animals you can't lead to water.

There are two kinds of toast but sorry, you won't find either on Neptune.

Generals are in charge because they have general knowledge.

Floors happen when you are standing.

"You can run but you can't hide" is not a real rule in hide & go seek. You're welcome.

Everyone was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
Lesson Mania Week 2013
28 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5 6
Day 1- 3 Lessons
If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to beat.

Some people are faster than others. For example, someone read this lesson faster than you.

Every story is a true story, an authentic story.

Day 2- 4 Lessons
When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.

People who take pictures are strange thieves & are probably stalkers.

When your favorite thing is leaving places half of your life sucks because there is no way around having to go to places in order to leave them.

If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.

Day 3- 4 Lessons
Masking a mask is also called stacking.

The Big Gov aimed for one day where people wouldn't say "one day" but the only name for the holiday they could come up with was "One Day" so the idea was scrapped.

Only something that lacks the palpability of the 5 senses could LITERALLY make NO sense to us.

When someone exaggerates saying something like, "It was literally 200 degrees out there." Say, "Oh I bet.. against it."

Day 4- 6 Lessons
If someone is copying your style don't worry, even if they use a color copier their paper clothes will look stupid. Of course this still wouldn't stop them from becoming the hit of the high fashion world.

People are too scared to walk on the hot sun. I don't blame them, I blame the sun.

If you're stupid forget about success & just get something shiny.

Even the worst jokes are funny if someone laughs at how much of a loser you are for making bad jokes. Trust me :'(

There are a lot of things that suck but nothing sucks more than Vacubat the Cyborg Vampire.

Everyone who has seen a cow has seen a cow with 3 legs.

Day 5- 4 Lessons
The technical term for food is unnessecarous technicalnamous.

Sports are nerdy things for jocks. Knowing sports stats is like knowing wizard & orb names from some nerd book. Jocks are the ultimate nerds. At least the real nerds aren't memorizing annual numbers.

Some people's eyes bug out when they see bugs.

Free Willy ultimately drowned because he was SO free he decided to breathe air while still living underwater. This is why they are called killer whales. If you gave them magical freedom (or tons of cash like Willy) they'd be so stupid they'd kill themselves.

Day 6- 7 Lessons
The golden pirate has a treasure chest.

The reason high schools lack car racing classes is because doing laps couldn't be considered punishment.

Things that make you blue are often out of the blue.

You can't start a camp fire by rubbing two marshmallows together but if you can figure out how to rub them apart on each other the sun will unexplode & turn into Italian Ice.

Hard to find cuisine:  A vampire cooked super rare.

One of the best thing about elevators is that if you let people off in front of you they will say "Thank you." This is great because people thank you for standing still.

When someone tells you to "get outta town" tell them, "I'm tired of wandering this harsh & foreboding earth. I try to be a nice guy & do what my friends say but all of my so called friends always end up telling me to get out of town. Well I'm finished listening to you people! YOU get out of town! YOU GET out of MY town!" then weep openly.
Lesson Mania Week 2014
24 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.

Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.

A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to begin with.

Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.

If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.

This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into toasters.

You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.

You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.

Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.

Tree carvings are tree tattoos.

Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.

You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water in your wallet.

Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.

It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a paper bag right next to it.

Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you bury it. It doesn't make any sense.

Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready! You know why?.. Because I'm driven."

Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!

OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.

Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.

You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.

When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you in the ocean if you ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.

Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.

Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.

Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of marriage alive!

Lesson Mania Week 2015
21 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Day 1- 3 Lessons
The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.

A cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.

All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.

Day 2- 3 Lessons
Chess players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate" after winning.

Everybody is always intense, the present tense.

Upping the steaks is bad for tents.

Day 3- 3 Lessons
It is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."

Getting hugged by a zipper hurts!

Never shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin sauce & take a bite out of ya.

Day 4- 3 Lessons
If you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras don't say anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot. "People spend billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"

If you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a replacement head at no extra charge.

Noodles make us all suck.

Day 5- 3 Lessons
For optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent helplessness of women but the high value of daughters.

We are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.

Outerspace is a spaceship's yard.

Day 6- 3 Lessons
The reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even poorer they have some fat stored up to help them survive.

In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.

Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.

Day 7- 3 Lessons
Set a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will rain firey leaves.

Those who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad at saving money.

I we see I

Lesson Mania Week 2016
15 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5
Day 1- 3 Lessons
No one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal reasons.

To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.

It’s a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped with Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on Playstation 4 & Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.

Day 2- 3 Lessons
When you walk into a room & smell pickles but don’t see any pickles say, “Who’s been having an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”

Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.

There are no invisible shadows.

Day 3- 3 Lessons
Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.

Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off so do your feet.

Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.

Day 4- 3 Lessons
Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a baby’s health.

Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo you.

You may think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.

Day 5- 3 Lessons
A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was on sale, especially 1999.

Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3 seconds.

When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.

Lesson Mania Week 2017
15 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5
Day 1- 3 Lessons
The smartest word is smartypants because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your lower case g.

Music has charms to soothe the savage beast & Lucky Charms has the charms to soothe the savage kid.

Most books are full of air quotes & you'll never know it.

Day 2- 3 Lessons
It's hard to become a medical Guinea pig because medical people figure out real quick that you're human.

The reason your phone's battery won't go above 99% is because it believes absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I spy with my little eye that it's good for spies to have little eyes because little eyes are harder to see.

Day 3- 3 Lessons
To keep fit throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.

Be happy is next to see happy.

Revenge is a dish best served cold but so is ice cream. Revenge & ice cream have so much in common. Mmmm sprinkles!

Day 4- 3 Lessons
Your house is AS BIG AS A HOUSE.

A riverbed is the waterbed that can drown you.

A watched pot never boils but the water in it does.

Day 5- 3 Lessons
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.

The customer is always right because liberals oppose capitalism so much that they never patron.

A rolling stone gathers no moss & a stone that has stopped rolling gathers no más.

Lesson Mania Week 2018
18 Lessons
Days: 1 2 3 4 5 6
Day 1- 3 Lessons
If you're ever at the end of a line, it probably isn't as a period.

A gas tank doesn't have any armor.

"That" is not saying "much."

Day 2- 3 Lessons
Amazingly walking into a traffic jam will leave you less sticky than walking into non-jammed traffic.

16% of positive numbers below 100 are under 17.

When someone treats you like dirt it could mean they dig you!

Day 3- 3 Lessons
Trees can't juggle unless you throw them multiple chainsaws.

If you're broke the best place to keep spare ice is your wallet.

If you're broke the best place to keep spare carrots is your socks.

Day 4- 3 Lessons
Keep teabags in your toilet tank to give you that 3rd world feelin'.

You never see robots having romantic moments in the rain during thunderstorms.

Fly to Chile & cook some chili with chili peppers & ice. You can call it chilly Chile chili chili.

Day 5- 3 Lessons
The reason we don't hear from God much is because he's running water & that's a big job.

When someone says, "I'm slummin' it today," they probably aren't talking about feuding with their landlord.

Mr. steady can be thrilling if he's being steady on a high wire.

Day 6- 3 Lessons
Rocks have a hard time & it's the whole time they exist.

Peeing your pants is usually forgiven as an accident, peeing someone else's pants is not.

Your falling apart:  Your our ur r

All Lessons 2001-2017