Special Lessons

Flashing Editions, Special Editions, Catastrosphere's Tips, Old Lessons by Emperor MAR, The Cobb's Lessons in a Day

Flashing Editions
Flashing Editions either flash back or flash forward to long lost quotes or futuristic events. This is a complete list of them.
Many of the first flash backs refer to Enornal Fornitudes.

2/6/01 Flashback Edition
Food taste good, Results only occur when eaten.

2/13/01 Flashback Edition
They say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother. Although Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children.

2/20/01 Flashback Edition
it is nearly over when All that is left are dime lickers & envelope glue addicts. It is completely over when people begin to eat crackers on TOAST!

2/27/01 Flashback Edition
Hoop does not mean pick.

3/6/01 Flashback Edition:  by Dana Carvey
You can't put a porkupine in a barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice. -Ross Perot 1996

3/20/01 Flashback Edition
Pie taste good and can be shared by all.

3/27/01 Flashback Edition
Slack Jawed Yokels' Huking can raise self-esteem in decent human beings.

4/3/01 Flash Forward Edition:  2036 Piemerica
These new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.

Three Day Flashback Edition
The only way i know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.

4/9/02 Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.

4/9/02 Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.

4/9/02 Flash Forward Edition
Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.

8/27/02 Flashback Edition:
Nothing is ever the same in my wallet there's always change.

12/17/02 Flashback Edition:
Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep.

1/1/03 Semi-Flashback Edition:
If you're looking for a New Year's Lesson you came to the wrong place
but remember this:  Eat bread it make glass shine.

5/4/04 Flashback Edition:
Double reverse equals go.

12/21/04 Flashback Edition:
The latest news is no longer informative.

2/12/05 Flashback Edition:
You can make music without sound if you write it & no one plays it.

5/15/05
Flashback Edition:
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.

5/17/05
Flashback Edition:
You can change the world if you use a shovel.

5/21/05 Flashback Edition:
The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

7/6/05 Flashback Edition:
The number one excuse to cheat at video games:  "I prefer the experience of the game to the challenge."

7/11/06 Flashback Edition:
When someone says "Pssst" that means they've sprung a leak.

10/14/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
People think that when you hear thunder lightening is near but thunder comes after lightning. So when you hear thunder that means lightning was near.

10/15/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
The reason why old people play golf is because they can use the club as a cane and not look like their using a cane.

10/16/07 Flashback Edition (5/30/05)
If you give yourself advice you must not know what you're talking about to begin with because you need advice.

10/17/06 Flashback Edition (1/23/05)
Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.
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Special Editions
From time to time a special lesson will come along. This is a complete list. Also Scripture Mania Week also had "Scriptural Lessons" see those here.

8/21/01 Special Lesson Preview
Why do people complain when something's on their head? If someone drops a hat from a 5 story building onto your head, the person would just be like "hey a free hat." But if someone drops a brick from the same building on your head, the person would just be like "ow! I'm in hideous pain" or knocked unconscious.

1/17/02
WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but anyway:
Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!

1/29/02
Lesson written 9/4/01 for journal
"...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish & let them get eaten."

2/19/02
A lesson for the Ages
Its hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else you might do it twice.

8/30/02
Sappy Edition:
Being polite is like being a pole light, it brightens up the darkness.

9/16/02
Epic Lesson The Longest Lesson of all Time

10/27/02 Terrible Lesson:
If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,
move them closer or use a phone.

5/24/03 Lesson Reprise
If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because they love crap.

12/31/04 Procrastinator's Edition:
The more you hesitate the longer others wait & from that they may become irate. Those people will then debate your personal weight & being unable to relate to your hesitate trait they will turn to hate but won't be able to find the words to conjugate or create so their hate will abate because they can't desecrate your hesitate trait.

5/18/05 Ignorant Lesson:
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't get wet.

8/30/05 Obvious Edition:
Growing old is like growing anything else. It takes time.

10/19/11 Piemerica's Double Chicken Lessons of/for the Day
Regardless of if the chicken or the egg came first it was tasty right from the start.

Chicken fries would be called "fried chicken" if the name had not already been taken. Unfortunately the name "French fries" was also taken.
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Catastrosphere's Tips
Catastrosphere on occasion gave out tips of his own opposing (The Joe)'s Lessons. This is a complete list of them.

4/4/01
Catastrosphere's Lesson
If trying to train a German Shepherd it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.

2/20/02
Catastrosphere's Lost Lesson
If anyone ever says to you 'how are you doing today in the morning,' just say 'It is too early in the day to, properly evaluate this question.'

8/21/02
Catastrosphere's Tip:
Like to cut loose at social events?
Be sure you don't cut loose your spinal cord.

8/22/02
Catastrosphere's Tip:
Boiling soup too long can cause it to evaporate.
To prevent this put a pot on the ceiling above also.

8/23/02
Catastrosphere's Tip:
When starting the engine of your car always be aware that someone may have planted...
a tree in your drive way.
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Old Lessons by Emperor MAR
Lessons written by Emperor MAR during the (The Joe)'s Lesson of/for the day era (1/22/01-5/5/03), not including flashbacks are listed here.

2/26/02
M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. Day
Getting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.

2/28/02 -by MAR
If you have a music band that is doing poorly, buying a box of band-aids won't help them. You need Neosporin

3/1/02 -by MAR
Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.

3/2/02 -by MAR
Humans have skin, Robots have tin, Time has when.

3/3/02 -by MAR
Light Bulbs = Pro Fits
So don't come wining to me.

9/3/02
MAR's Lesson:
Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or you'll become a marked man.

9/4/02
MAR's Lesson:
Eyes are more like 6 O's than 2 I's
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The Cobb's Lessons in a Day
(The Joe) had an imitator known as The Cobb (pronounced Thuh Cobb) who aslo imitated Catastrosphere the Ultimate Lawn Simulator as Potatosphere the Ultimate Garden Simulator. The Cobb began having his Lesson in a Day. Listed here are the few that (The Joe) can remember, there were maybe 2 or 3 more. Although annoyed at the copying (The Joe) found these hilarious & innovative.

Cheese Pudding

(1 minute of silence)

You can't get orange juice out of a rock.. unless the rock is filled with oranges

3/9/01
When the cheese screams it's time to get a new cow.
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