Qod-Mon-Cat-Gor-Com
Every other day Monthly Categorized Comedy
In addition to the daily lessons every other day of the month Piemerica presents additional themed jokes.

2016:  Winter Wishes
2017:  New Year's Resolutions, February Frustrations, Days of March, April Appreciation, May Horoscopes, This Just in.. June, #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

2016
Winter Wishes

12/2/16
I wish I could command ants to gather all the crumbs I spill & combine them into an annual treat.
12/4/16
I wish corn had a clearer hierarchy; all of them being colonels makes it really hard to know who’s in charge.
12/6/16
I wish chandeliers were instead light up pi˝atas so people would celebrate every time I break a chandelier.
12/8/16
I wish all carpets were magic carpets so I could fly around in my living room.
12/10/16
Dropping the mic is cool & dropping an album is great but I wish dropping non-musical things was as cool as dropping musical things. I drop my keys, BOOM, it’s an awesome legendary moment. I drop mustard on my shirt, people around me go nuts at the hypeness of my droppage, ooh-ing & hooping & hooting & "Oh no he didn’t!"-ing.
12/12/16
I wish I could add Kool-Aid to clouds to color them & make it rain tasty rain.
12/14/16
I wish tricking someone into saying “cabbage” was a secret weapon that caused them to stutter cababababababababaababab.. for the rest of their lives.
12/16/16
I wish lice were edible so we could feed the world by just arubbin noggins tegeth’r.
12/18/16
I wish for all bombs to be tossed into the sea, to kill that stupid aquatic life.
12/20/16
I wish people would say, “Amen” after saying, “God Bless you.”
12/22/16
I wish I could invade dog owners’ personal space the way their dog invades mine so they’ll understand why I don’t like dogs.
12/24/16
I wish other holidays were like Halloween so we could go door to door to get free meats & stuffings & miscellaneous yummies.
12/26/16
I wish all trees would live stream so we could find out if a tree falling in the woods makes a sound or if it is just the one tree, Shy Ricky, who doesn't make the sound.
12/28/16
I wish I could shake some cents into my piggy bank but the darn tharng is stuck.
12/30/16
I wish New Year's Day was New Years' Day so we could choose which year we want or even experience the illusive & illusory Vodlektilum Enco▄rg where 2 years are experienced simultaneously.
2017
New Year's Resolutions

1/1/17
This year I resolve to watch less TV, by only watching 2 TVs at a time.
1/3/17
This year I resolve to stop biting my nails. Instead I'll finally buy that claw hammer & use it to remove my nails. I'll use a claw to remove nails.
1/5/17
This year I resolve to eat less.. while holding my breath underwater.
1/7/17
This year I resolve to travel more because I hate dribbling.
1/9/17
This year I resolve to cross one thing off my bucket list by killing Mr. Bucket.
1/11/17
This year I resolve to think before I go online & type.. jokes without a punchline.
1/13/17
This year I resolve to learn how to be a better dog owner so I can obnoxiously overgive people advice about it despite not having a dog myself.
1/15/17
This year I resolve to save money by disinfecting take-a-penny leave-a-penny trays, the #1 cause of Abeitis.
1/17/17
resolve to become I year This organized. more
1/19/17
This year I resolve to summit a mountain, after making a mountain out of a mole hill.
1/21/17
This year I resolve to start a sole proprietorship & anytime someone asks me about it I'll say, "It's none of your business."
1/23/17
This year I resolve to do more laughing.. maniacally in public.
1/25/17
This year I resolve to help more people cross the road, especially the ones chasing a chicken.
1/27/17
This year I resolve to spend less time on social media by hiring a retired helper monkey to give me the jist of it.
1/29/17
This year I resolve to exercise more... self-control... when it comes to overusing... ellipses... starting tomorrow... ...
1/31/17
This year I resolve to quit the bad habit of.. making resolutions I'll surely break.

February Frustrations

2/2/17
Don't you hate it when you visit a haunted house & you find out it's your ghost that's haunting it & that ghosts are time travelers who aren't  allowed to occupy the time-frame after they died?
2/4/17
Don't you hate it when you buy a bunch of yarn thinking your cat will play with it but it doesn't so you sit the open boxes of yarn outside on the curb & you have problem with stray cats now?
2/6/17
Don't you hate it when racists throw away toast because it gets too dark?
2/8/17
Don't you hate it when your favorite book gets turned into a movie but the adaptation is so faithful that it's just the text from the book shown on the screen & it doesn't stay on a page long enough for you to finish reading it?
2/10/17
Don't you hate it when someone asks if they can borrow your garden hose.. or did they say garden hoes?
2/12/17
Don't you hate it when everyone laughs at you after you tell a killer joke? People who laugh at jokes about killers have no class!
2/14/17
Don't you hate it when your coat won't unzip & you wonder aloud, "Why did I have to see if this still fits during the summer!?" then you have to turn the A/C way up to compensate until your mom comes over to get your zipper unstuck?
2/16/17
Don't you hate it when your milk man shows up late, 60 years late?
2/18/17
Don't you hate to lose your permanent marker when you thought "IT WAS THE ONE THING IN LIFE I COULD COUNT ON!" & now you weep openly day & night?
2/20/17
Don't you hate it when The Sandwich Tickler sneaks in & gets crumbs all over your plate? That's what happened. That's why there's crumbs there. It doesn't matter if you stood next to the sandwich the whole time. The Sandwich Tickler is tiny.. a..and invisible!
2/22/17
Don't you hate it when you accidentally bring in the trash instead of the groceries because you use Hefty bags as your reusable shopping totes?
2/24/17
Don't you hate it when your yard becomes sentient & orders an NBA Jam arcade machine because your yard's voice sounds just like the announcer's voice in the game & you keep hearing, "He's on fire!" making you wonder if someone is actually on fire or if your yard is just better at you at performing sick slam dunks in the game? And don't you hate it that you sorta wish someone were actually on fire for once? That game is stupid anyway. I think it's time to mow the lawn!
2/26/17
Don't you hate it when a comet is going to crash into the earth & humanity has to be like, "Dude, stop texting & cometing!"
2/28/17
Don't you hate it when people never finish reading what you write? Hey come back here! I'm not finished with you yet! You just made a powerful ene... rgy pulse through my being wishing, "Golly, I'd like if you'd finish reading this." Oh! You came back! Well this is uncomfortable. Bu..bu..bu..but thanks! Ok you can keep scrolling now. Th.th..ats all I have to say for today. Um, you, your kindness will not be forgotten.. by me. Other people, they, they may forget it but, uh, not me. Ok c'mon, this is too much. I did't mean for it to be like this! Stop! Just stoppp....

An unregarded, confuddled obese man who never got a break. Now he has what he's wanted - and he's going to have to live with it for eternity, forever awkwardly typing to an audience, in the Twilight Zone.

Days of March

3/2/17
It's a tightly hugging loaves of bread at the supermarket kinda day.
3/4/17
It's a 3D printing inedible licorice replicas kinda day.
3/6/17
It's a squash buckling, crash testing kinda day.
3/8/17
It's a lampshade funnel kinda day.
3/10/17
It's a pillow grilling kinda day.
3/12/17
It's a mailing toast to old Facebook friends kinda day. Go check your mail now!
3/14/17
It's a juggling toothpicks with your eyelashes kinda day.
3/16/17
It's a squeegeing the ocean kinda day.
3/18/17
It's a using an Irish snake as a stomach pump kinda day.
3/20/17
It's a beandip bleaching kinda day.
3/22/17
It's a tuba shadow appreciation kinda day.
3/24/17
It's an orca bowling kinda day.
3/26/17
It's a burying an oral thermometer kinda day.
3/28/17
It's a mourning marshmallows that melted of natural causes kinda day.
3/30/17
It's an order a 2nd dresser to use as a hamper kinda day.


April Appreciation
4/1/17
You're like a speck of dust, when there are thousands of you it makes me uncomfortable.
4/2/17
Are you a fortune teller? Because I can see my future with you.
4/3/17
You're like a desk, you're a good place to keep a laptop.
4/4/17
You're like a button but not the kind you push, that would be bad, I don't want to push you. I mean the kind on my shirt, close to my heart.
4/5/17
You're like a plastic bag, you make a lot of noise when crumbled up.
4/6/17
I could talk to you until the cows come home. They get off work at 6.
4/7/17
You're like a catapult, I want you to throw some crap away.
4/8/17
You're like my sternum because you keep my heart warm.
4/9/17
You're like a bestseller, I want to leave you at the store.
4/10/17
You're like a scarf in the cold I want you around my neck.
4/11/17
You're like a poster. I look at you if you're hanging on my wall.
4/12/17
You're like an eyelash, I want to blow you away.
4/13/17
You're like a smell, I can tell you're around.
4/14/17
You're like a birthday, you make me celebrate.
4/15/17
You're like wool, I don't want you on a sheep.
4/16/17
You're like a tooth, you're always a part of my smile.
4/17/17
You're like a machine, I don't like it when you smoke.
4/18/17
You're like a horse because I'm betting on you.
4/19/17
You're like a fork, you're good at stabbing.
4/20/17
You're like a nail in a doorway, I'm stuck on you.
4/21/17
You're like a skateboard, you won't fit in my cereal bowl.
4/22/17
You're like a crown because you make me feel like a king.
4/23/17
You're like a minus sign, you shouldn't be crossed.
4/24/17
You're like a moat. I want you around my castle.
4/25/17
You're like a pie, you need to cool off.
4/26/17
You're like cash, if I find you on the ground I'm gonna pick you up.
4/27/17
You're like an onion, when you get cut I cry.
4/28/17
You're like a crayon you won't stay in the box.
4/29/17
You're like a P.O. box because you're full of letters (after you eat alphabet soup).
4/30/17
You're like a marshmallow. I've never seen you in a hot air balloon, but I'd like to.

May Horoscopes


This Just in.. June
6/2/17

6/4/17

6/6/17

6/8/17

6/10/17

6/16/17


#HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

7/4/17

I rescued this sweet little guy today. #DemsGoodViddles #ImHavingDinnerTonite #HotDog #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

I rescued this sweet little guy today. #DemsGoodViddles #ImHavingDinnerTonite #HotDog #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

7/5/17

Going overseas to do some mission work. #CovertMission #ASnipersWorkIsNeverDone #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

7/7/17

Me & my workout crew lost 15 pounds this week! #OrgansHarvestedInTheNight #SomebodyCallTheCops #DoINeedALiver #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

7/8/17

Excited to go to a birthday party today!! #FormerBestFriend #AndNoMore 🔫 #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning


No more ideas vember (Leftover or extra category jokes)
11/1/17
Immortals have it rough I tell ya. They have to deal with generations & generations of scientists not making gum flavor last longer while claiming to in ads.
11/2/17
I don't want to be famous. I can't handle the stress of having to correct inaccuracies about me in my Wikipedia article.
11/3/17
Time travelers who go to the past have a hard life, always having to worry about stepping on something or breathing too close to someone or ruining people's destiny by throwing away litter out of habit. But us presenteers we can step on anything we want, breathe within any proximity we choose & chuck wrappers without regard. It's not like we live in anyone's past.
11/4/17
Happy people aren't always having a picnic, all the sourpusses hating on them behind their back, geez. But they're still spreading happiness to the bitter, making them happy by giving them someone to be judgy about.
11/5/17
Today is the 8th anniversary of the death of my pet hamster Warrick. #HamInHeaven #ShouldHaveKilledHimSooner #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning
11/6/17
Second-best-case scenario:  You tell someone, "I want to hump." & they buy you a camel costume.
11/7/17
Second-best-case scenario:  You tell someone, "I love you" & they say, "I love you two."
11/8/17
Second-best-case scenario:  You ask, "Will you marry me?" & they say, "Yes, but.."
11/9/17
The Unfalling Slide, it's an escalator where you can lay down.
11/10/17
Get a workout as you're drowsy. Wear a hat with weights for POWER nodding off!
11/11/17
I just lost a pound! #SadForever #MyHeartIsMissing #RippedRightOut #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning
11/12/17
Another great thing about a Knight in shining armor,
Shining armor means he'll do the dishes, which is all a girl really wants.
11/13/17
Another great thing about being prom king & queen,
Your rule only last for the night so no lives are lost due to your tyranny.
11/14/17
Another great thing about hitting a home run,
You don't have to run as fast as a normal hit.
11/15/17
Another great thing about being brave,
Your teeth only chatter when it's cold out.
11/16/17
Just donated my old clothes to charity. #OhCrapWhereDidILeaveMyAnthrax #HeyNSA #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning
11/17/17
Pretend that bruh & bro aren't slang & imagine anyone who says it is traumatized by losing their brother at a young age.
11/18/17
I just won a $500 on a gameshow #WhatHaveIDone #ICanNeverGetClean #DontRespondToGameShowAuditionsOnCraigslist #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning
11/19/17
Hearing the difference could save your life!
It looks like you're into me.
It looks like urine to me.
11/20/17
#OppositesMatter
Your head on my pillow..
My pillow on your head..
11/21/17
#OppositesMatter
Breaking into someone's house.
Breaking out of someone's house.
11/22/17
#OppositesMatter
I'd sure like to bone her.
I'd sure like to debone her.
11/23/17
That's like the black crayon calling the charcoal crayon black, perfectly appropriate & community building.
11/24/17
Stick a fork in me cause I'm.. only useful as meat now.

House