| 1998 2: Says something offensive 1: What did you just say? 2: Whatever you wanted me to say sir |
| 8/21/01 Unwanted infomercial audience guest 1: How much would you pay for this? 2: How much does it cost? |
| 8/21/01 1: Hello sir how are you doing today? 2: Ok 1: See you later (Everyday) |
| 1 : sounds familiar 2 : sorry I read it twice |
| 1: You think I should take a shower? 2: Nah it's only been 12 hours since your last one & all you've done is sleep & be awake 1: Yeah but while I was awake I did all sorts of sweaty things |
| Dad: I'm gonna take you to the shed. Kid: But dad we ain't got no shed. Dad: Go build me a shed! |
| Joenan: Why are you taking my picture? Emperor MAR: You see this way I can look at it after I kill you & you won't be all bloody when it haunts me in my dreams afterwards. |
| (Emperor MAR drives golf cart in a dangerous way.) Joenan: Easy, easy Emperor MAR: That wasn't so easy, liar. |
| 1: What is your problem? 2: My problem is I can't clearly define a problem to answer that question. |
| The Highest Bidder -7/11/05 Man 1: Will you hold this for me? Man 2: Yeah 15 cents. Man 1: [Not a chance look] Man 2: Hey there ain't nobody else here. Man 2: Yeah there is. Various people: I'll do it Man 1: Well I'm the highest bidder anyway Man 2: But yeah you're the highest bidder to spend my money |
| 10/29/06 Wife: I'm going to do this, this, and this today. Oh but I need to do this, that, and the other thing. Husband: Don't worry I'll take care of the rest for you. Wife: Thanks [Hours Later] Wife: (approaches husband in recliner) what have you been doing all day? None of the things you said you would do are done. Husband: I told you I'd take care of the rest so I've been resting. |
| 11/28/06 Customer: Now don't you guys work too hard. ~Later~ Boss: What are you two doing just sitting around you're supposed to be waxing the hams, rearranging the cereal you arranged yesterday, & detailing my car. Employee: Well the customer told us not to work too hard. Employee 2: Yep and you're the one who taught us on our first day that the customer is always right. |
| [Enter Stage, stare scaredly] This proves that fake stage fright is not funny nor is staged fright. |
| 1/18/07 MAR: Alright I'm going to get out of here Scott free! (behind MAR) Scott 1: Man, why does everybody hate me? Scott 2: (comforts) Don't worry I don't hate you Scott 1: (pulls away) You're only my friend because your name is Scott too Scott 2: Yes but I've realized that because my name is Scott I'll never be Scott free and you need to realize that too. Scott 1: Come here buddy (hugs and cries) Scotty: (from backer row) Hey are you guys named Scott? Scott 2: Yeah Scotty: Well hey my name is Scotty! Scott 1: Get away from us you freak! |
| 2/14/07 Black Guy: All you see is white people on tv in Brittian English Guy: Well there aren't as many black people here as there is in America BG: Excuse me, that's African Americans EG: But we aren't in America BG: Right, right |
| 1: You know what? 2: No. 1: Well then how do you ask questions? |
| 1: You know what? 2: No 1: Then how come I heard you say it that one time |
| 1: Now wait just a dog gone minute. 2: Oh no our dog is gone. 3: why would he leave? :( |
| Have you ever noticed? Yes Well that means you at least have one sense and here I thought you didn't have any |
| 1: My house was broke in two last night. 2: Sorry, well it's still not as bad as if your house was broke in two. 1: That's what I just said. 2: Oo, Tought break |
| Fortune Tellers: 1 free reading "You will waste your money on something stupid" "Really what is it?" "You must pay for the 2nd reading to find out what" "Ok" |
| Thug: This is a stick up Victim: Go on take whatever you want Thug: Thanks [Late on at the trial] Thug: But he said I could take whatever I want, how is that robb'n someone? |
| 1: I haven't seen you in forever.. 2: Does that mean we've never met? |
| 1: I told you.. 2: So! |
| Lori: I don't think so.. MAR: I shouldn't listen to you. |
| 1 (Reg): words 2: Yes I totally agree 1: (Continue or/then) Wait a minute I don’t talk to myself 2: What you don’t like me anymore? 1: Now is not the time 2: Well I’m sorry but it’s never the time for you 1: Please just go 2: And how come you don’t call anymore? 1: What I’m supposed to call myself how can I do that? 2: Use your cell to call the house phone genius 1: Please go you’re embarrassing me 2: Al.. alright this is not over though 1: Yeah whatever just leave 1: (to person listening) Sorry about that, I really don’t talk to myself that was just, I don’t know what that was but sorry. |
| Islam Hospital Doctor: Are you of Islam? Patient: No Doctor: Will you convert? Patient: No Doctor: snaps fingers Kill the infidel! Patient/Infidel: Gets killed |
| 1: Is that a booger? 2: No it's not. |
| 1: Stop Russian (Rushing) 2: No you stop Mexican |
| Emperor MAR: You know I could do a ventriloquist act without the dummy. Lori: You could play both parts huh? |
| Phone Convo 1: Yello 2: Yes I am scared how did you know? |
| Concert: Now throw your hands in the air & wave them like you just don't care And if you got on clean underwear everybody say Oh Yeah (1 guy doesn't say Oh Yeah & looks sad) |
| 8/23/07 An argument starts with people who greet each other oppositely. 1: Hi 2: Lo 1 & 2: Now we are at odds. |
| 1: How old are you? 2: I’m 20 1: Really? I’m Twenty too/-two 2: How old are you again? |
| Playstation Café Waiter: What would you like to drink sir? Sir: I’d like a Sprite please Waiter: Sorry we only serve polygons here Sir: Frowns |
| 1: Do you have my cell number? 2: I don’t know you have lots of cells.. maybe if I just started counting |
| Cop: Alright sir I'm gonna need you to say your numbers backwards Sir: What? That's impossible. Cop: A smart mouth eh? I'm gonna have to take you in. |
| 6/20/08 Finger Kids Ring: Hey ma! Midi is giving me the finger Midi: Ahh I hate being a middle child Mom: Hey be quiet or I'll ring your neck! Dex: haha you in trouble Ring Ring: Shut up Dex! |
| 4/17/08 1: You cant fool a fool. 2: No fooling? 1: That's right! |
| Mom: I'm really worried about Jay Jack. He just seems so apathetic Dad: It's the non-apathetic ones you have to worry about. Mom: Ah I don't care about them. |
| 1: I always get well over my money's worth at the buffet. 2: Does that count all of the medical bills you'll face later on in life? |
| 1: It's her second birthday. 2: Really how old is she? |
| 1: Can you believe that? 2: Only because I trust you. |
| 1: Get to the point. 2: No the point is just the punctuation, I need to tell you the rest of the sentence |
| 1: I'll see you later. 2: Well of course, you couldn't possibly see me sooner. |
| 1: The mail was just papers 2: What did you expect plastic? |
| 11/16/08 1: Can you spare a dime? 2: No 1: Here's a dime. Now can you spare a dime? 2: Sure! |
| 1/4/09 1: I can't believe you said that! 2: What? I didn't say anything. 1: WEll that explains why I couldn't believe it, you didn't even say it. |
| 1: *Tells bad joke* I kill me 2: I understand why you'd be suicidal after a joke like that. |
| End of set Well that's it for me, but remember always safety first.. well actually, always remember first *reverse greeting* *Walk into something* Owww I forgot! |
| 6/5/09 1: Hmmm Hmm Hmmm 2: Would you quit humming? 1: I'm not humming I was just thinking out loud. |
| 6/18/09 1: I work freelance. 2: Yeah I wish Lance wasn't in jail too |
| 7/20/09 So Everybody knows that Spanish is just English with Os at the end. Y'know words like carro, positivo, comentário. But what happens when you have words that already end with an O? Well you get words like Apoloo, Banjoo, Ballihooo, Tacoo. Zorr, known as Zorro to most people, is the guy who invented Spanish. And since Spanish is a rip-off of English I figured I could easily make up my own language too. I decided to end all of my English words in J's. I'll use the same examples as I did for Spanish and I get words like Carj, Positivej, Commentaryj. But what about words that end in J? Well that is the beauty of my language, while there are like 2,324 words that end in O there are only about 12 that end in J, 2nd only to Q which is too hard to pronounce anyway. I call my new language Englishj. Yeah Spanish should have totally been called Englisho but Zorr was from Spanain and they needed a language because before that they used to just go around slapping each other in the face. Which is why if you go to Spanain today and you don't speak Spanish you'll get slapped in the face. |
| I'm glad we got big toes instead of thumbs on our feet because if we had thumbs on our feet we could only count to 16, or 16 +4. |
| 1: Are you an expert? 2: Yeah I used to be a spurt. |
| 1: Nobody loves a zero 2: Tennis does |
| 1: (To a baby) "Who's that? Who's that?" 2: I don't mean to embarass you but I don't think he can talk |
| 10/29/09 1: There's nothing wrong with making mistakes 2: Then what is a mistake then? |
| 1: Fill in the blank 2: If I fill it in it won't be blank anymore |
| 12/1/09 1: We can't kiss here. We're in public! 2: There's nothing wrong with being in public. |
| 12/1/09 1: Ingenious! 2: What an insult! 1: No ingenious means smart if you were an ingenious you would know that. |
| 1: Merry Christmas 2: I'm not gonna marry Christmas I'm already married. |
| Scripts | House |
| [Stop Sign] Why don't you stop! |
| [People working normal job, one person gets serious call, cut to person
running into hospital and asking for room at desk, cut to entering in
room, cut to "Yes that's right. I've decided to become a doctor."] |
| The Young Man with Altimers (Bites sandwich) "Someone took a bite out of my sandwich!" |
| Character 1 is trying to get in shape for his upcoming physical. Character 2 finds out about this & inform's Character 1's doctor about this. The doctor postpones Character 1's physical until Character 1 is in great shape. |
| Top 10 Numbers of Time so far .4 1 is the loneliest number |