Selfesque Sunday
2016 2017
2016
6/26/16
I've been writing comedy for 18 years & boy are my wrists tired. I was cutting up in class & the teacher said, "Oh you think you're funny eh? Well you're gonna write the word comedy for 18 years!"
7/3/16
I hate how every time I win an award people ignore my accomplishment & start chanting “Speech! Speech! Speech!” celebrating humanity’s ability to communicate verbally. Then if I don’t join the chant they stop & awkwardly mill away.
7/10/16
I lst m kes! N nt thse kes! Tw kes n m kebard.
7/17/16
I've got the strength of a hundred men, a hundred dead men. That's right I killed them & took their power.
7/24/16
I’ve got a bad short term… … … what was I gonna say?
7/31/16
I love ladles as much as the next guy.. but the previous guy, he hated ‘em! He looks up to the stars every night & shakes his fist at the dippers.
8/7/16
I enjoy long walks on the beach because the footprints make it easy to find my way back.
8/14/16
My trench is always too big for a trench coat to fit it. Stupid Hollywood sizes discriminating against extra large all American trenches.
8/21/16
I'm ninety-nine percent sure that no one is ever a hundred percent sure.
8/28/16
My spellchecker keeps trying to get me to stop spelling Fwiday with a W. Wwell screww it! I lovve douuble Uu’s.
9/4/16
If wearing the pants in the family is such a big deal, how come wearing pants at work doesn’t make me the boss there?
9/11/16
I feel like there is a market for dog chairs because I walked by a market with all these little chairs with cartoons on them & I don’t know what else would fit into them. Oh, maybe those are chairs for kids. No, not goats, human children.
9/18/16
I'm a weird o. I'm sort of shaped like an O but there's no hole in my middle.
9/25/16
I like a nice crab cake, those mean ones are always trying to choke me when I eat them.
10/2/16
My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it is still loading.
10/9/16
Good luck staying literate. I forget how to read all the time.
10/16/16
Gram crackers don’t fill me up.
10/30/16
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a tongue.
11/6/16
I've got a good memory. I'm great at remembering th.. th.. th.. how does the rest of that word go?
11/13/16
I don't know about you but I don't like to claim I know what others know.
11/20/16
I have serious allergies. I try to tell my sneezes jokes & they won’t have it.
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2017

1/1/17

Fun? You want fun? Well, Mr. Fun is my middle name!

1/8/17

People used to think my beard was fake (because I used to use glue as a moisturizer on my face).

1/15/17

My abs are so strong there's no space between the muscles.

1/22/17

I don't take NOtes, I take YEStes because I believe in myself.

1/29/17

I like that they give us chairs at work it really boosts my morale, it makes me feel like I'm the chairman.

2/5/17
I'm 31 years sober. I was addicted to placenta for nine months.
2/12/17
Next on my bucket list, to scold all the buckets used in the ice bucket challenge because they only helped charity once.

2/19/17
I wasn't born yesterday but if I was this would be the best day of my life.
2/26/17
I don't trust my phone to read the phone book without calling someone from it.

3/5/17
…No, I wasn't talking to myself, I could sense you were going to enter the room.
3/12/17
I bet you a thousand dollars I wouldn't be able to pay you a thousand dollars if I lost this bet.
3/19/17
The thing I hate the most about the DMV is that they make you do eye tests instead of taste tests.
3/26/17
I'm more sedentary than a wallet.
4/2/17
I don't see races, I only see fun runs.
4/9/17
I wouldn't sell out for all the tea in China because that would be really mean to all the Chinese people who love to drink tea.
4/16/17
I'm colorblind, I don't see race or religion or traffic lights.
4/23/17
..No, I'm not a fan but I'm still really cool.
4/30/17
I'm on illegal drugs, I mean illegal for other people if they don't have a prescription for it.

5/21/17
My dream car is a low rider Wienermobile.
5/28/17
I can spell "good." I wrote "the constitution." I am quoting "the Bible."
6/4/17
My height is 5'28. 5 foot 28 centimeters.
6/11/17
The word conscientious needs to be extradited from the English language for being too hard to spell, & so does extradited.
I once tried to use swype to type conscientious on my phone. The word is 13 letters long! And the result my phone gave me was just the word "No." It was like, "No, No" not even I'm going to try to spell that monstrosity of a word. And while we're at it let us pause & give thanks that it is easy to spell monstrosity.
6/18/17
I hate when I don't remember a memory enough to keep it a rememory so it becomes a dismemory.
6/25/17
I'm not gonna be victimized by the culture by assimilating into the slang-o-sphere. Nuh uh!
7/2/17
I don't do curls but I raise two girls. #MegaManly
7/9/17
Where do I expect to be in five years? On land or in it. Caves are great.
7/16/17
Reasons why I don't answer "What's up?"
1. In memory of Marvin Gaye.
2. In honor of the quality of What's Happening!! season 1.
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