Fun? You want fun? Well, Mr. Fun is my middle name!
People used to think my beard was fake (because I used to use glue as a moisturizer on my face).
My abs are so strong there's no space between the muscles.
I don't take NOtes, I take YEStes because I believe in myself.
I like that they give us chairs at work it really boosts my morale, it makes me feel like I'm the chairman.
I'm 31 years sober. I was addicted to placenta for nine months.
Next on my bucket list, to scold all the buckets used in the ice bucket challenge because they only helped charity once.
I wasn't born yesterday but if I was this would be the best day of my life.
I don't trust my phone to read the phone book without calling someone from it.
…No, I wasn't talking to myself, I could sense you were going to enter the room.
I bet you a thousand dollars I wouldn't be able to pay you a thousand dollars if I lost this bet.
The thing I hate the most about the DMV is that they make you do eye tests instead of taste tests.
I'm more sedentary than a wallet.
I don't see races, I only see fun runs.
I wouldn't sell out for all the tea in China because that would be really mean to all the Chinese people who love to drink tea.
I'm colorblind, I don't see race or religion or traffic lights.
..No, I'm not a fan but I'm still really cool.
I'm on illegal drugs, I mean illegal for other people if they don't have a prescription for it.
The only thing I fear is fear itself because I'm afraid it will feel bad that I'm not afraid of it!
I haven't slept one wink. I close both of my eyes I ain't no fool.