Selfesque Sunday
2016 2017
2016
6/26/16
I've been writing comedy for 18 years & boy are my wrists tired. I was cutting up in class & the teacher said, "Oh you think you're funny eh? Well you're gonna write the word comedy for 18 years!"
7/3/16
I hate how every time I win an award people ignore my accomplishment & start chanting “Speech! Speech! Speech!” celebrating humanity’s ability to communicate verbally. Then if I don’t join the chant they stop & awkwardly mill away.
7/10/16
I lst m kes! N nt thse kes! Tw kes n m kebard.
7/17/16
I've got the strength of a hundred men, a hundred dead men. That's right I killed them & took their power.
7/24/16
I’ve got a bad short term… … … what was I gonna say?
7/31/16
I love ladles as much as the next guy.. but the previous guy, he hated ‘em! He looks up to the stars every night & shakes his fist at the dippers.
8/7/16
I enjoy long walks on the beach because the footprints make it easy to find my way back.
8/14/16
My trench is always too big for a trench coat to fit it. Stupid Hollywood sizes discriminating against extra large all American trenches.
8/21/16
I'm ninety-nine percent sure that no one is ever a hundred percent sure.
8/28/16
My spellchecker keeps trying to get me to stop spelling Fwiday with a W. Wwell screww it! I lovve douuble Uu’s.
9/4/16
If wearing the pants in the family is such a big deal, how come wearing pants at work doesn’t make me the boss there?
9/11/16
I feel like there is a market for dog chairs because I walked by a market with all these little chairs with cartoons on them & I don’t know what else would fit into them. Oh, maybe those are chairs for kids. No, not goats, human children.
9/18/16
I'm a weird o. I'm sort of shaped like an O but there's no hole in my middle.
9/25/16
I like a nice crab cake, those mean ones are always trying to choke me when I eat them.
10/2/16
My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it is still loading.
10/9/16
Good luck staying literate. I forget how to read all the time.
10/16/16
Gram crackers don’t fill me up.
10/30/16
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a tongue.
11/6/16
I've got a good memory. I'm great at remembering th.. th.. th.. how does the rest of that word go?
11/13/16
I don't know about you but I don't like to claim I know what others know.
11/20/16
I have serious allergies. I try to tell my sneezes jokes & they won’t have it.
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2017

1/1/17

Fun? You want fun? Well, Mr. Fun is my middle name!

1/8/17

People used to think my beard was fake (because I used to use glue as a moisturizer on my face).

1/15/17

My abs are so strong there's no space between the muscles.

1/22/17

I don't take NOtes, I take YEStes because I believe in myself.

1/29/17

I like that they give us chairs at work it really boosts my morale, it makes me feel like I'm the chairman.

2/5/17
I'm 31 years sober. I was addicted to placenta for nine months.
2/12/17
Next on my bucket list, to scold all the buckets used in the ice bucket challenge because they only helped charity once.

2/19/17
I wasn't born yesterday but if I was this would be the best day of my life.
2/26/17
I don't trust my phone to read the phone book without calling someone from it.

3/5/17
…No, I wasn't talking to myself, I could sense you were going to enter the room.
3/12/17
I bet you a thousand dollars I wouldn't be able to pay you a thousand dollars if I lost this bet.
3/19/17
The thing I hate the most about the DMV is that they make you do eye tests instead of taste tests.
3/26/17
I'm more sedentary than a wallet.
4/2/17
I don't see races, I only see fun runs.
4/9/17
I wouldn't sell out for all the tea in China because that would be really mean to all the Chinese people who love to drink tea.
4/16/17
I'm colorblind, I don't see race or religion or traffic lights.
4/23/17
..No, I'm not a fan but I'm still really cool.
4/30/17
I'm on illegal drugs, I mean illegal for other people if they don't have a prescription for it.


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