Top Lessons


Top Lesson History:
2001
It was decided that Lessons should compete against each other in a contest to find the Top 3 Lessons. Every lesson was submitted to various people & the ones with the most votes won. Only Lessons from Era 1 were submitted in the Top 3 Lessons which are Lessons from 1/22/01-4/6/01.
2002-2004
For New Year's Top 3 Mania Week it was decided since the top 3 lessons for 2004 were to be collected that we'd also collect the ones from the years we skipped. The top lessons of 2002 & 2004 were picked by Emperor MAR with consideration to other's previous likings. The top 3 lessons of 2003 were picked by Emperor MAR & Fritter.
2005-2008
Lessons were picked by Emperor MAR with consideration of the opinions of others who heard the lessons.
2009
Lessons were picked by Emperor MAR, Empress Lori, Strangers on Omegle, & the opinions of lessons throughout the year.
2012
Determined by Facebook likes & MAR
2014-Present
Separate lists, one as chosen by MAR, the other as determined by Facebook & Vine likes/shares/comments with detailed data mining.

Top Lessons
2001
2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 2012 2013 2014 2015 2016
In 2017, leading up to the reveal of the top lessons of 2016, new top lesson lists were picked for most years (Listed on the right on this page, unless noted). All rankings on the left were chosen in the year following.
Top 3 Lessons of 2001
3. If you say "ey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.
2. When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."
1. Remember a picture is worth a thousand words not a picture can say a thousand words, so stop torturing them in your cellar.

Additional:  #1 was only the 4th Lesson ever it was referred to in another Lesson seen here from 8/14/02:
You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't. So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.

Post Vote Inductee:
Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.
Top 15 Lessons of 2001 (2017 Rerank)
15. Remember those cans in the garage aren't melted ice cream. No matter how many colors & wooden spoons there are.
14. Getting lost in the woods at night can show you how much of a man you are. It can also show you how much of a man you aren't.
13. When someone tells you it's good to give, they are not talking about savage beatings or other violent acts.
12. If trying to train a German Shepherd it is easier when not wearing a suit made of meat.
11. Paint does not wash windows well.
10. If you ever become a sailor & use a map remember the real land doesn’t have its name written on it.
9. Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as breathing (in outer space).
8. These new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.
7. Giant rocks can't swim.
6. If it is raining at night & you go out for a stroll in the sunshine, it won't work.
5. When in a race fall down & yell "Help!" to slow the others down.
4. If you say "ey look at me" beware for one of the people there may stalk you for the rest of your life.
3. Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.
2. When someone gives you a gift it is better to not repay them, than to lock them in your basement, feed them nothing but bow ties until they say "I admit I'm a leprechaun."
1. Remember a picture is worth a thousand words not a picture can say a thousand words, so stop torturing them in your cellar.

Top 3 Lessons of 2002
3. If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.
2. When there's nothing left to do dance! Cause dancing will cheer anybody up.... except the cripple.
1. If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
Top 20 Lessons of 2002 (2017 Rerank)
20. Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well.. Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like. "Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.
19. Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakes they don't know what they are talking about.
18. If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.
17. When Someone tells you to "break a leg" it doesn't have to be yours.
16. If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be happy anymore.
15. If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like plateaus.
14. If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.
13. If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:  Wherever you find money on the ground.
12. If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.
11. Think Positively! "I always fail to succeed, unless I succeed to fail"
10. Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights. They know it's a watermelon.
9. If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane!
8. If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.
7. Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.
6. A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.
5. If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.
4. The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them the way
3. When there's nothing left to do dance! Cause dancing will cheer anybody up.... except the cripple.
2. If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
1. If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

Top 3 Lessons of 2003
3. If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you
2. When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.
1. When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
Top 15 Lessons of 2003 (2017 Rerank)
15. Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.
14. When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.
13. When face to face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.
12. Sticks & stones may break your bones but that doesn't mean your bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!
11. The best way to be first in a line is to say "Everybody follow me."
10. It's easy to be a pickpocket just choose.
9. If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for help or tell on you.
8. The perfect time to run in slow-motion is when it's windy out.
7. If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.
6. As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
5. If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...
4. Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.
3. If anyone ever alludes to what will be written on your grave, don't argue for graffiti is always a possibility.
2. When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
1. If you can't beat 'em join 'em, unless they're beating you.

Top 3 Lessons of 2004
3. The future is unforgettable.
2. Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.
1. Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.
Top 25 Lessons of 2004 (15th Anniversary Rerank)
25. If your voice sounds like that of an idiot simply talk only to babies & no one will notice.
24. With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.
23. Frankenstein wasn't confused he was a fused con.
22. The best storage container is the one that can contain your love for storing things.
21. Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.
20. Never wear your heart on your sleeve because you may need to sneeze.
19. Ice Cream cones can be used as hats in emergencies.
18. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.
17. When one asks "Is the glass half empty, or half full?" Notify them that the cup does not remain at half point for long if it is ever even that precise.
16. Some things will never change but you can be sure that one thing will, the channel.
15. If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.
14. The only reason people retire is because as they get older their hearts can't take the sound of an alarm clock.
13. Some things are best left unsaid. "Look out!" is not one of those things.
12. You can never know when Mars is blushing.
11. There is no solid evidence that air exists.
10. When life seems like a blur slow down & make sure you don't need glasses.
9. Scarecrows are scary because they too, like Zombies, want brains.
8. Become a ugly moron because opposites attract.
7. The latest news is no longer informative.
6. Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.
5. If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.
4. Never believe anyone who says "It's backwards day." unless they say it like this:  .yad sdrawkcab stI
3. The future is unforgettable.
2. Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.
1. Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.

Top 3 Lessons of 2005
3. Bicycles will let anyone ride them.
2. Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.
1. Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
Top 30 Lessons of 2005 (15th Anniversary Rerank)
30. If you knew everything you've learned you'd be as smart as you are now.
29. You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.
28. Dinnertime is never getting thinner time.
27. You can't pick your family but you can pick your family out of a police line up.
26. If you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you that person has a very piercing stare.
25. If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken fingers.
24. A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.
23. You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on harnesses because they always let you down.
22. Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled because they can't stand the pressure.
21. Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.
20. You can change the world if you use a shovel.
19. The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.
18. The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.
17. Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.
16. The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.
15. Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.
14. The perfect excuse for a kid to disobey his parents would be to say "I thought you were using reverse psychology & that you wanted me to do it."
13. It is selfish to call someone selfish because that means you expect them to think of you more.
12. Seeing is believing that you are not blind.
11. Love is like butter. It is better when spread.
10. Caring is like sharing except better because you don't have to share.
9. People who are bitter should have never been tasted in the first place.
8. It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.
7. The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.
6. Both fast & slow moving people may tell you to "hold on."
5. Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.
4. Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which you aren't poised on.
3. Bicycles will let anyone ride them.
2. Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.
1. Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

Top 10 Lessons of 2006
10. Hole punchers are useless.
9. It's easy to catch a train because it leaves tracks everywhere it goes.
8. Death is just around the coroner.
7. The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.
6. If you ever lose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.
5. The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.
4. Business damages caused during a bar fight can be repaired with scotch tape.
3. Not even sunglasses could make the sun look cool.
2. Being on a fixed income is better than being on a broke income.
1. Lightning in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.
Top 20 Lessons of 2006 (2017 Rerank)
20. When the mob throws someone in the river there is plenty of concrete evidence.
19. You know you're in a good relationship when instead of wanting to ring each other's necks you want to ring each other's finger.
18. The best thing about the word best is that they couldn't have picked a better word.
17. In and out that is what it is all about, digestion.
16. Offering people coins is a good way to get them to change.
15. It can be difficult to carry on the family business but to life guards I say dive right in!
14. The Jolly Green Giant is jolly because he has never had to eat vegetables; he claims, "Eating vegetables would be like cannibalism to me".
13. If you ever think to yourself "It is hot as Hell in here" you probably died.
12. The reason why old tymey kings had multiple wives is because it takes a lot of women to do castle work as opposed to housework.
11. The reason why white supremacists are bald is because they don't even like black hair.
10. The reason why people refer to cars as feminine is because most car lovers are men & they don't want to sound gay.
9. The best way to get to the root of a problem is to use a lumber jack.
8. Not even sunglasses could make the sun look cool.
7. The worst kind of dentist is the one that is root'n & toot'n
6. Death is just around the coroner.
5. The smartest thing on earth is the temperature in summer. It has like over a 100 degrees.
4. Pirates were rich criminals with big boats and their favorite song to sing was "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" ~The Origin of Rap Music
3. If you ever lose your eyeballs the best place to look for them is.. oops sorry.
2. Hole punchers are useless.
1. Don't shoot the messenger lest the message reads, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"

Top 5 Lessons of 2007
5. An old wives' tale is gossip that hasn't stopped circulating.
4. For a loner every bye is a good bye
3. It is better to be insane than incrazy.
2. The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
1. Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
Top 22 Lessons of 2007 (2017 Rerank)
22. Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.
21. The shortest distance between two points is a line unless the distance is that of time and the line has a wait.
20. If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for you yet.
19. Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.
18. If you're broke & stupid, put glue in your wallet to fix your brokeness.
17. Nice guys finish last.. in meanness competitions.
16. Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.
15. Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have caused it. Eat pie instead.
14. The handicap get all the breaks in life.
13. If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you shouldn't have tried this at all.
12. Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag. However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.
11. Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.
10. An old wives' tale is gossip that hasn't stopped circulating.
9. The reason old people play golf is because they can use the club as a cane and not look like they're using a cane.
8. You are what you eat which is why people who eat too much are called pigs and cows. People who eat chicken are scared to eat unhealthy.
7. The size of your waistline indicates how much waste you intake.
6. Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with the hatchet in their back.
5. Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.
4. When someone says "I'm starting to get sick" they are either coming down with something or coming up with something.
3. For a loner every bye is a good bye.
2. The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
1. Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to Billy.

Top 5 Lessons of 2008
5. Here's a healthy cooking reminder:  If you fry you die. If you bake it you make it.
4. God caused people to lose their sight as they get older to make it easier on them when having to look in the mirror.
3. Pollution is good for you. It makes you realize there should be less pollution.
2. The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.
1. Super is supper with one ‘p’ that is how good supper is you see.
Top 8 Lessons of 2008 (2017 Rerank)
8. Investing is easy, just get in a vest.
7. One cannot prevent being a slacker because once one stops slacking one then slacks at slacking itself.
6. The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.
5. Here's a healthy cooking reminder:  If you fry you die. If you bake it you make it.
4. God caused people to lose their sight as they get older to make it easier on them when having to look in the mirror.
3. Pollution is good for you. It makes you realize there should be less pollution.
2. The reason why women always go to the bathroom together is because the door reads "Women" and they don't realize that it is possible to go in one at a time.
1. Super is supper with one ‘p’ that is how good supper is you see.

Top 10 Lessons of 2009
10. If you're afraid of loosing your home you really should have bought a bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.
9. Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is bending.
8. Don't let the cat out of the bag or people will know you're not a good pet owner.
7. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen or just open the fridge.
6. If you're eaten out of house and home don't build your house out of gingerbread next time.
5. When someone says to you, "It's a small world." tell them to go take a walk.
4. Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.
3. Sometimes life really stinks but death always smells worse.
2. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, except when your child goes missing.
1. In athletics often pros are cons.
Top 13 Lessons of 2009 (2017 Rerank)
13. If you're afraid of losing your home you really should have bought a bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.
12. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen or just open the fridge.
11. If someone tells you to "Get Real" and you do so. Come back the next week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."
10. If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.
9. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't, if you don't have a horse.
8. If you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth your mother didn't understand proper prenatal nutrition.
7. Sometimes life really stinks but death always smells worse.
6. Anyone can be an amputee but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.
5. Don't let the cat out of the bag or people will know you're not a good pet owner.
4.  When someone says to you, "It's a small world." tell them to go take a walk.
3. Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is bending.
2. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, except when your child goes missing.
1. In athletics often pros are cons.

Top 11 Lessons of 2010
11. Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
10. When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal communication and not other noises they may make.
9. My dad's name is Art but other people have names too.
8. A paranormal investigator is a normal investigator with a parachute.
7. An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
6. Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
5. Fun Food Fact:  Humans invented pizza in the past.
4. There is no wonder as to why so many people turn to crime, it is the only way some of them can be wanted.
3. The only way you can find nothing is if you are looking for something.
2. Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.
1. There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid statements.
Top 11 Lessons of 2010 (2017 Rerank)
11. Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it. So really today is the only new day.
10. When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal communication and not other noises they may make.
9. A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you own a photo ID.
8. Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
7. My dad's name is Art but other people have names too.
6. A paranormal investigator is a normal investigator with a parachute.
5. An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
4. Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
3. The only way you can find nothing is if you are looking for something.
2. Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.
1. There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid statements.

Top 5 Lessons of 2011
5 .The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.
4. Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.
3. Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it will make the bear cage a tiger cage.
2. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. Unfortunately his brother Barry the black nosed reindeer didn't and one foggy Christmas Eve he was hit by a car.
1. Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.
Top 15 Lessons of 2011 (2017 Rerank)
15. When it comes to food the mouth is like a bad bouncer. It's like, "Ooh you taste good! Come on in fellas!" and the rest of the body suffers for its choices while the unhealthy food wrecks up the place.
14. Fun War Fact: There aren't any.
13. The stupidest question is "Is this a Question?"
12. A good way to refer to nothing is by saying "almost something."
11. Don't wait for someone to give you advice just go out there and take it!
10. Remixes dare to grant the wish of, "I wish this repetitive pop song was even more repetitive."
9. If you tell a mime to mime its own business it will be a mime miming a mime. Then you will have a double mime and that's.. annoying.
8. Jerks suck especially when I call them jerks. They get all mad and act like jerks.
7. Regardless of if the chicken or the egg came first it was tasty right from the start.
6. If English is your first language then body language is your zeroth language.
5 .The sarcastic remark "very original" is very unoriginal.
4. Asia Minor and Asia Augmented 7th are long time enemies.
3. Putting a tiger into a bear cage won't make the tiger a bear but it will make the bear cage a tiger cage.
2. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. Unfortunately his brother Barry the black nosed reindeer didn't and one foggy Christmas Eve he was hit by a car.
1. Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.

Top 9 Lessons of 2012
9. If you are sitting up you are sitting up and sitting down at the same time.
8. Hunter orange is the best gang color because it will keep you from getting shot.
7. Gangs are "for life" because the lives of most gang members don't last long.
6. You spoil your milk every time you give it sugary cereal.
5. The one time someone tried to reinvent the wheel and it worked the boat was invented.
4. I don't know why 3D is such a big deal. Before movies and television everything was in 3D.
3. Everyone was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
2. When dreams come true a dreamer becomes a realist.
1. They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most girls they are imaginary friends.
Top 15 Lessons of 2012 (2017 Rerank)
15. You can tell jocks named sports because of the names of each sport. Baseball, basketball, football. No thought went into these names. They just pointed & said what they saw.
14. Night vision goggles would be cooler if there were no day time.
13. There are six key points to most keys.
12. You can tell whoever first said, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" is a pessimist because he points out a negative thing you can't change. The quote should just be, "You can lead a horse to water!" Now that's positive! There is a plethora of animals you can't lead to water.
11. You spoil your milk every time you give it sugary cereal.
10. The best way to handle hoarders is to deport them to a 3rd world country. They still get to live in filth but they won't have any money to hoard anything.
9. "Mosey! Mosey! Mosey!" has never been a chant at a race.
8. The difference between jello and jello mold is a few weeks.
7. Some people get offended when you tell them "Merry Christmas" & that you are supposed to say "Happy Holidays" instead. But that is twice as offensive because it involves at least 2 holidays. One of which may be Christmas anyway.
6. Boulevard sounds French especially when French guys say it.
5. Hunter orange is the best gang color because it will keep you from getting shot.
4. The Olympics is the thing with the Physical Mathletes.
3. I don't know why 3D is such a big deal. Before movies and television everything was in 3D.
2. Everyone was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
1. They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most girls they are imaginary friends.

Top 20 Lessons of 2013 (no Rerank)
20. A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.
19. Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.
18. Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.
17. Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you aren't really you either.
16. The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.
15. Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears that will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question down & if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing things.
14. When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.
13. If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to beat.
12. If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.
11. Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style, technology, & today's date to stay the same for years & years to come.
10. When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
9. You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.
8. If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.
7. Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash & give it back to them.
6. One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."
5. Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.
4. Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"
3. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.
2. People who sign autographs are redundant.
1. Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.

Top 11 Lessons of 2014
(Based on Facebook Likes & Comments)
11. Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
10. Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe wreck.
9. If you are what you eat then eat donuts because then you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
8. Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple Gauntlets.
7. Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their stomach acid.
6. Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've taken vows of silence no one ever hears about it.
5. No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by greedy doctors. They invented gravity too.
4. 
You are weird if you use fencing to separate your yard from your neighbor's yard.
3. You are weird if your hamster has a hamster wheel made out of your old hamsters.
2. Some say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend. But those people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a toddler & I don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine came over & started throwing food on the floor, playing with my wires, & digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
1. If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much shade.
Top 20 Lessons of 2014
(as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
20. When hiring foot racers make sure they agree to give you a run for your money.
19. Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
18. If your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't know what page they are on.
17. Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires eat space beef.
16. Houses in tropical climates are painted with light jackets of paint.
15. You are rich if you are heading for the poor house.. to knock it down.
14. If you're going to paint the town red use a good primer first.
13. You are weird if you have 10 fingers.. that aren't yours.
12. Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never confronted.
11. There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading this & those who don't know what this part says.
10. You are rich if the only time you have a bone to pick with someone is at the billionaires' dinosaur BBQ.
9. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
8. If you are what you eat then eat donuts because then you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
7. You are weird if you paint your nails.
6.You are weird if your shirt has two sleeves.. of hard taco shells.
5. You are weird if you like dressing on your salad.
4.You are weird if you like to travel.. but only because you are looking for mother nature's baby.
3. You are weird if you use fencing to separate your yard from your neighbor's yard.
2. You are weird if you like to watch sports.. through the scope of a sniper rifle.
1. You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions just in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.

Top 9 Lessons of 2015
(Based on Facebook & Vine Likes)
9. You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.
8. You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your pizza are your own tears.
7. Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot of green & you'll see a lot of teeth.
6. You are dumb if you rent your accordion to mummies.
5. Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of staples.
4. The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over the harp.
3. You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.
2. You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.
1. The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every barrel was a barrel of monkeys.
Top 30 Lessons of 2015
(as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
30. People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
29. You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish hook.
28. A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very very VERY hungry.
27. If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being a vegetable is not a good thing.
26. It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
25. Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their wings as hotwings.
24. The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for solodanas.
23. Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
22. You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever assumes you are talking about politics.
21. You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.
20. All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are jocks.
19. You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive & you aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.
18. You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.
17. In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
16. You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you could realistically aspire to.
15. The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return themselves to.
14. Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by lonely mutes.
13. There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for example.
12. If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.
11. You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans & cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.
10. A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard enough.
9. You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.
8. Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into becoming PBsexuals.
7. Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up, & sometimes it's over easy.
6. You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except for yourself!
5. You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would have more fun as ghosts.
4. You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get with one another.
3. You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always win by default.
2. Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat" as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.
1. You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.

Top 17 Lessons of 2016
(Based on Social Media Likes)
17. You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way out if you ever go under house arrest.
16. Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.
15. Soon cats will become even lazier. Instead of walking in front of us to trip us they will bat marbles towards our feet to trip us from afar.
14. Soon Peter Pan will take all of his peanut butter back to Neverland.
13. Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.
12. Don’t recycle mouthwash in your commune.
11. The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.
10. The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!
9. Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.
8. It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.
7. Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"
6. Turn any ordinary kitchen table into a multiplication table by using it for conception.
5. Soon people will not only sneak into movie theaters but also into the homes of Netflix subscribers.
4. Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.
3. Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.
2. The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception of cube.
1. A half a candle is still a candle. A half an orange is still an orange but half a ball is not a ball at all.
Top 30 Lessons of 2016
(as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
30. Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.
29. Don't use hamburger buns as spanx, people will think you don't digest gluten so well.
28. You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced bread was invented to sell toasters.
27. Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.
26. Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"
25. To people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold poor people there are in Antarctica? None! You gotta be rich to go to Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!
24. Don't write a book. Books can't write back.
23. Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.
22. Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.
21. Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.
20. Which came first the chicken or the egg? They both came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.
19. Don't trust people who claim to be tolerant by saying, "I don't see color" because that means they only see in black & white.
18. Soon the vegetables you refused to eat as a kid will call you from their deathbeds to thank you for allowing them to lead long, rich lives.
17. You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.
16. When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.
15. Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!
14. Don’t settle for polyester candy.
13. The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.
12. Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.
11. What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a pointless waste of time.
10. The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is considered average in America.
9. The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.
8. Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.
7. The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!
6. You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs exact change for a ransom.
5. Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, & 50% being good at math.
4. You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not being able to find good jobs in this economy.
3. No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted, after that you can't tell them apart.
2. 9 out of 10 dentists recommend giving into peer pressure.
1. To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.

Top 40 Lessons of 2017 (as Chosen by Emperor MAR)
40. The meat with the least calories is hand turkey.
39. Be careful when considering the purchase of farmland. Most people I've heard of who bought a farm died right around the same time.
38. When you don't have time, time has you.
37. No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people in heaven.
36. All negative fates are worse than death because death is eventually guaranteed so any bad fate is that fate plus death.
35. Edward Cocacola invented glass cause before sody boddles you had to drink out of the skulls of your ancestors.
34. All publicity is good publicity, unless you're fleeing.
33. A bottle is not a loaf of bread made of glass.
32. Doing the bare minimum isn't as easy as doing the bear minimum, the minimum that a bear would do, because a bear wouldn't do much.
31. Like eyeballs, light bulbs are better to eat out of socket.
30. Thinking too hard is racking your brains, which is like BBQing. Doing drugs is like cooking your brain in a skillet. So don't think too hard man. It's worse than doing drugs.
29. Drawers are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes. So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.
28. Gold can never love you back. But if you coat your friends in gold..
27. Beauty is only skin deep unless you're really into guts.
26. No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a proud mother hen.
25. Remember kids, "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link," so don't try to be a strong link, it won't matter. All of our efforts are worthless! Just give up & start weeping openly.
24. It's easier to become a surgeon than it is to become a sturgeon. But if you want to become a sturgeon see a surgeon.
23. If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."
22. Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly sized slices of bread.
21. Soon everybody will be like two peas in a pod as we are all forced, two by two, into living in pods together, pea pods in fact, because we'll also be shrunken, to pea size, & it will be really confusing to know how much toothpaste to use.
20. Saying, "But my home is my castle" won't get you off when the cops find out you have people chained up in your basement.
19. Do everything you can to avoid getting sent to the nut house. Squirrels be tearing that thing up.
18. No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing their pants.
17. When you visit a hunter's house & they have a bunch of empty wall mounts it's because they're a ghost hunter & those are the ghosts they've killed.
16. You know you grew up poor when your watch had a second hand second hand.
15. Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to take yours.
14. Science is a lot like butter, it proves that butter exists.
13. Parker Brothers has a monopoly on the game MonopolyŽ.
12. Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink it out of a tap.
11. When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it coming.
10. It's easy to tell when you're close but yes cigar because you can smell the cigar.
9. The world is mostly twins but they're all pranking you by only showing up one at a time.
8. You are weird if the only reason you have a gym membership is to help the economy.
7. Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting in movies.
6. Cloud servers always be dropping food.
5. Set designer who thinks of himself as a casting agent, cast the first stone.
4. Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.
3. No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to take it to the next level.
2. The world is a creepier place if you realize that every hand you see is a naked puppet.
1. No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.

Top Lesson of Each Year
2001:   Remember a picture is worth a thousand words not a picture can say a thousand words, so stop torturing them in your cellar.
2002:   If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
2003:   When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
2004:   Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.
2005:   Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
2006:   Lighting in the sky is like God taking pictures of us.
2007:   Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
2008:   Super is supper with one ‘p’ that is how good supper is you see.
2009:   In athletics often pros are cons.
2010: There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid statements.
2011:
Fun Food Fact: The Hamburger was named after the French and Indian War.
2012: They say "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Unfortunately for most girls they are imaginary friends.
2013: Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.
2014: You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions just in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.
2015: You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle down with.
2016: To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.
2017: No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.

All Lessons 2001-2017
Piemerica
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Missing Text:
It was placed like a living discussion.