Discovery of alien life
Optimistic view: This is amazing, there is so much we could learn.
Pessimistic view: They probably won't like my cooking.
Hit a deer with your vehicle
Pessimistic view: That's gonna cost a lot to repair.
Optimistic view: It masks the other blood on the hood of my car.
Your web browser says, "Server not found"
Pessimistic view: Ahh guff! I can't get to my favorite world wide website!
Optimistic view: Good for her, she needs some time off.
Windows 10 is crashing again
Pessimistic view: *weeping & gnashing of teeth*
Optimistic view: Thankfully they never released Windows 9. I would have hated to use that.
Your dinner is burnt
Optimistic view: We get to eat out tonight!
Pessimistic view: My asparagus died for nothing.
You're sentenced to prison for a crime you didn't commit
Pessimistic view: I've been screwed. I don't deserve this!
Optimistic view: Now I can learn how to do some real crimes for when I get out.
Survived a plane crash
Optimistic view: I'm alive!
Pessimistic view: Somebody's gonna have to clean all this up.
broke your leg
Pessimistic View: Now I have to wait until I can frog hop again to integrate into the toad community for the documentary I'm producing.
Optimistic View: Now I can learn to forge all of my friends signatures! $_$
Optimistic View: Such an efficient way to imbibe opinion, history, & humour.
Pessimistic View: Stupid base 10, arbitrary, hyperbole-laden, opinion based pap! 0100000101000001010100100100011101001000!
meteor is hurdling towards earth!
Pessimistic View: We're all gonna die! & I just peed my pants!
Optimistic View: No one cares that you just peed your pants.
house is burning down
Pessimistic View: I've lost my collection of antique fireworks!
Optimistic View: This fire makes my house look like the raddest house on the block!
survival bunker fell into a sinkhole.
Optimistic View: If I can get to it down there the bunker is even safer!
Pessimistic View: All that money wasted! What will I do now when the reverse zombie apocalypse happens?
a sunny day
Optimistic View: This outta help me to stop tripping on all those street cantaloupes.
Pessimistic View: It’s too bright to look up to dodge all those sky cantaloupes.
dropped a piece of candy & can't(dy) find it!
Pessimistic View: The 5 second rule doesn't use Venusian seconds.
Optimistic View: Lost loose candy is the only kind of candy God allows angels to eat.
fork ran away with the spoon
Optimistic View: Time for corndogs!
Pessimistic View: If I can't catch a fork & spoon I'm really out of shape!
heart feels heavy
Pessimistic View: I feel sad.
Optimistic View: I feel like donating blood!
Sandwich was stolen
Pessimistic View: Oh great, now I need 2 heroes.
Optimisticer View: Good, because I can stand to lose some weight, too bad it'll mostly be water weight from crying. Ooh-hohohoho! *blows nose*
found the dead body of a mafia member.
Pessimistic View: It’s a shame that dapper pin stripe suit can’t be salvaged.
Optimistic View: At least he died doing what he loved... leaving a corpse.
lost my swimming hammer!
Pessimist View: That thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea; you’ll never get it back.
Optimist View: It’s a good thing that hammer can swim, it’ll make it to shore in no time!
power went out while I was juggling knives indoors.
Optimistic View: So what, I’m blindfolded.
Pessimistic View: I can’t juggle the electric knives without the sound!
toaster is missing.
Pessimist View: It was stolen!
Optimist View: Cool! I wish I had a toaster with an invisibility button. I’d be cracking up while people are like, “Where’s that toast smell coming from?” AND I could hide my 2 pieces of emergency bread in there instead of having to carry them in my shoes!
Pessimistic view: @#☼% it's World War III!!!
Optimistic view: If we survive this war, it's gonna make for some awesome movies & video games.
|1/4/17||Your goat is a cannibal
Optimistic View: You can feed it goat figurines telling it that they are shrunken goats.
Pessimistic View: I don't think the breeding is going to go well.
Your doctor is a zombie
Pessimistic View: That's not sanitary.
Optimistic View: I trust him more because he knows better than any doctor that it sucks to be dead.
Your hamster ran away
Optimistic View: Wow look at him go! All that training paid off! Who's regretting that $10 I spent on his wheel now?
Pessimistic View: If he falls through the crack in the floor there'll finally be a downside to that sinkhole under the house.
Your pet fruit fly died young
Pessimistic View: Now what am I going to do with all this rotten fruit I bought for his month day?
Optimistic View: They'll put me on tv for being crazy enough to keep track of my infestations' lifespans!
A car ran over your foot
Pessimistic View: Oh no! My foot! AAAA!
Optimistic View: I love being a land owner! Next year I'm gonna buy a second square foot of land, non-adjacent of course. Oh were I to afford square foot adjacency I would spend my money on finer things.
You found a snake in your bed
Pessimistic View: I'll never be able to go to sleep again!
Optimistic View: Aha! Memory foam is made of snakes! I'll blackmail the mattress industry for millions!
A helicopter chopped off your hand
Optimistic View: I can be airlifted quickly to the nearest hospital.
Pessimistic View: My helicopter is a lousy chef.
There's a shark in your pool!
Pessimistic View: Unfavorably there are no tributaries for him to exit forthwith under his own accord.
Optimistic View: I must have some really powerful enemies for this to happen. My death is gonna make the papers! And not just the obituary this time! I'm talking tragically bold mega-headings!
You have ants in your pants.
Pessimistic View: Eww, no! Ahhh! Hehehe. Ecch!
Optimistic View: So THAT'S where I put my pic•i•nic basket!.
The dog ate your homework
Optimistic View: YES! It finally happened!
Pessimistic View: Sucks that I'm [insert your seasoned adult age here] before this finally happened.
The snow melted & revealed your yard is filled with sponges
Pessimistic View: It feels very weird to walk in my yard now, worse than walking in mud barefoot.
Optimistic View: This will make my compulsive egg juggling habit less messy.
You're parents are getting a divorce
Optimistic View: It's not a broken home, it was just a home built from incompatible materials.
Pessimistic View: Time travelling great great grandma & grandpa aren't gonna be happy.
Your car was stolen.
Pessimistic View: I'm stranded! What a horrible day!
Optimistic View: Maybe they'll hear the guy in the trunk &, unlike me, be able to figure out how to free him.
You went bald after drinking a truth serum
Pessimistic View: I can't lie about being ok with this.
Optimistic View: I've discovered a hidden prejudice against bald people & will hire a bald therapist to help me work through it over the coming millennia.
Your metal detector ring keeps detecting metal in your sandwiches
Optimistic View: My delicious blood sandwich is just very rich in iron.
Pessimistic View: Now I have to buy a mood ring too to detect the mood of the person who put the metal in my sandwich.
Truckers keep trying to sell me families of koalas
Optimistic View: I could make a killing as a koala photographer!
Pessimistic View: Those aren't real families, I don't see a ring on her finger!
You're so boring that when tumbleweed sees you it blows the other way
Pessimistic View: You're too boring to have views.
Optimistic View: That tumbleweed is gonna make it to Canada!
|5/3/17||Your dog died.|
Optimistic View: All Dogs Go to Heaven
Pessimistic View: Watching All Dogs Go to Heaven will make you miss him more.
|5/10/17||Your cat died.|
Optimistic View: Cats have 9 lives!
Pessimistic View: Their other 8 lives are spent in different circles of hell.
|5/17/17||Your hamster died.|
Optimistic View: I just got new shoes!
Pessimistic View: Now I have to research if it's ok for my snake to eat a dead hamster.
|5/24/17||Your phone died.|
Optimistic View: After I plug it back in it will resurrect & tell me about the afterlife again! In phone heaven there is no touching or talking or vibrating.
Pessimistic View: I always thought my phone would die in a cool way so that I could tell all my friends, not of boring old natural causes.
|5/31/17||Your hair died.|
Pessimistic View: "All growth comes from death," the religious sucker will say, grasping at straws to teach an ignorant lesson that no one will benefit from.
Optimistic View: Hair is cool because it can do both kinds of dying.
Your toaster is unplugged.
Optimistic View: Toaster cords are always short so it will be easy for me to find the outlet!
Pessimistic View: My wife left me because she thought I didn't pay the electric bill & I JUST NOW discovered this after the divorce was finalized! If only I had loved her more! If only I had loved toast more!