Weigh It Wednesdays
2016 2017


Discovery of alien life

Optimistic view:  This is amazing, there is so much we could learn.

Pessimistic view:  They probably won't like my cooking.


Hit a deer with your vehicle

Pessimistic view:  That's gonna cost a lot to repair.

Optimistic view:  It masks the other blood on the hood of my car.


Your web browser says, "Server not found"

Pessimistic view:  Ahh guff! I can't get to my favorite world wide website!

Optimistic view:  Good for her, she needs some time off.


Windows 10 is crashing again

Pessimistic view:  *weeping & gnashing of teeth*

Optimistic view:  Thankfully they never released Windows 9. I would have hated to use that.


Your dinner is burnt

Optimistic view:  We get to eat out tonight!

Pessimistic view:  My asparagus died for nothing.


You're sentenced to prison for a crime you didn't commit

Pessimistic view:  I've been screwed. I don't deserve this!

Optimistic view:  Now I can learn how to do some real crimes for when I get out.


Survived a plane crash

Optimistic view:  I'm alive!

Pessimistic view:  Somebody's gonna have to clean all this up.

6/22/16 You broke your leg
Pessimistic View: Now I have to wait until I can frog hop again to integrate into the toad community for the documentary I'm producing.
Optimistic View: Now I can learn to forge all of my friends signatures! $_$
6/29/16 Top 10 Lists
Optimistic View: Such an efficient way to imbibe opinion, history, & humour.
Pessimistic View: Stupid base 10, arbitrary, hyperbole-laden, opinion based pap! 0100000101000001010100100100011101001000!
7/6/16 A meteor is hurdling towards earth!
Pessimistic View: We're all gonna die! & I just peed my pants!
Optimistic View: No one cares that you just peed your pants.
7/13/16 Your house is burning down
Pessimistic View: I've lost my collection of antique fireworks!
Optimistic View: This fire makes my house look like the raddest house on the block!
7/20/16 Your survival bunker fell into a sinkhole.
Optimistic View: If I can get to it down there the bunker is even safer!
Pessimistic View: All that money wasted! What will I do now when the reverse zombie apocalypse happens?
7/27/16 It’s a sunny day
Optimistic View: This outta help me to stop tripping on all those street cantaloupes.
Pessimistic View: It’s too bright to look up to dodge all those sky cantaloupes.
8/3/16 I dropped a piece of candy & can't(dy) find it!
Pessimistic View:  The 5 second rule doesn't use Venusian seconds.
Optimistic View:  Lost loose candy is the only kind of candy God allows angels to eat.
8/10/16 The fork ran away with the spoon
Optimistic View:  Time for corndogs!
Pessimistic View:  If I can't catch a fork & spoon I'm really out of shape!
8/17/16 Your heart feels heavy
Pessimistic View: I feel sad.
Optimistic View: I feel like donating blood!
8/24/16 Your Sandwich was stolen
Pessimistic View: Oh great, now I need 2 heroes.
Optimisticer View: Good, because I can stand to lose some weight, too bad it'll mostly be water weight from crying. Ooh-hohohoho! *blows nose*
8/31/16 You found the dead body of a mafia member.
Pessimistic View: It’s a shame that dapper pin stripe suit can’t be salvaged.
Optimistic View: At least he died doing what he loved... leaving a corpse.
9/14/16 I lost my swimming hammer!
Pessimist View: That thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea; you’ll never get it back.
Optimist View: It’s a good thing that hammer can swim, it’ll make it to shore in no time!

The power went out while I was juggling knives indoors.
Optimistic View: So what, I’m blindfolded.
Pessimistic View: I can’t juggle the electric knives without the sound!
9/21/16 My toaster is missing.
Pessimist View: It was stolen!
Optimist View: Cool! I wish I had a toaster with an invisibility button. I’d be cracking up while people are like, “Where’s that toast smell coming from?” AND I could hide my 2 pieces of emergency bread in there instead of having to carry them in my shoes!
11/9/16 World War III
Pessimistic view: @#☼% it's World War III!!!
Optimistic view: If we survive this war, it's gonna make for some awesome movies & video games.

1/4/17 Your goat is a cannibal
Optimistic View:  You can feed it goat figurines telling it that they are shrunken goats.
Pessimistic View:  I don't think the breeding is going to go well.

Your doctor is a zombie

Pessimistic View:  That's not sanitary.

Optimistic View:  I trust him more because he knows better than any doctor that it sucks to be dead.


Your hamster ran away

Optimistic View:  Wow look at him go! All that training paid off! Who's regretting that $10 I spent on his wheel now?

Pessimistic View:  If he falls through the crack in the floor there'll finally be a downside to that sinkhole under the house.


Your pet fruit fly died young

Pessimistic View:  Now what am I going to do with all this rotten fruit I bought for his month day?

Optimistic View:  They'll put me on tv for being crazy enough to keep track of my infestations' lifespans!


A car ran over your foot

Pessimistic View:  Oh no! My foot! AAAA!

Optimistic View:  I love being a land owner! Next year I'm gonna buy a second square foot of land, non-adjacent of course. Oh were I to afford square foot adjacency I would spend my money on finer things.


You found a snake in your bed

Pessimistic View:  I'll never be able to go to sleep again!

Optimistic View:  Aha! Memory foam is made of snakes! I'll blackmail the mattress industry for millions!


A helicopter chopped off your hand

Optimistic View:  I can be airlifted quickly to the nearest hospital.

Pessimistic View:  My helicopter is a lousy chef.


There's a shark in your pool!

Pessimistic View:  Unfavorably there are no tributaries for him to exit forthwith under his own accord.

Optimistic View:  I must have some really powerful enemies for this to happen. My death is gonna make the papers! And not just the obituary this time! I'm talking tragically bold mega-headings!


You have ants in your pants.

Pessimistic View:  Eww, no! Ahhh! Hehehe. Ecch!

Optimistic View:  So THAT'S where I put my pic•i•nic basket!.


The dog ate your homework

Optimistic View:  YES! It finally happened!

Pessimistic View:  Sucks that I'm [insert your seasoned adult age here] before this finally happened.


The snow melted & revealed your yard is filled with sponges

Pessimistic View:  It feels very weird to walk in my yard now, worse than walking in mud barefoot.

Optimistic View:  This will make my compulsive egg juggling habit less messy.


You're parents are getting a divorce

Optimistic View:  It's not a broken home, it was just a home built from incompatible materials.

Pessimistic View:  Time travelling great great grandma & grandpa aren't gonna be happy.


Your car was stolen.

Pessimistic View:  I'm stranded! What a horrible day!

Optimistic View:  Maybe they'll hear the guy in the trunk &, unlike me, be able to figure out how to free him.


You went bald after drinking a truth serum

Pessimistic View:  I can't lie about being ok with this.

Optimistic View:  I've discovered a hidden prejudice against bald people & will hire a bald therapist to help me work through it over the coming millennia.


Your metal detector ring keeps detecting metal in your sandwiches

Optimistic View:  My delicious blood sandwich is just very rich in iron.

Pessimistic View:  Now I have to buy a mood ring too to detect the mood of the person who put the metal in my sandwich.


Truckers keep trying to sell me families of koalas

Optimistic View:  I could make a killing as a koala photographer!

Pessimistic View:  Those aren't real families, I don't see a ring on her finger!


You're so boring that when tumbleweed sees you it blows the other way

Pessimistic View:  You're too boring to have views.

Optimistic View:  That tumbleweed is gonna make it to Canada!

5/3/17Your dog died.
Optimistic View:  All Dogs Go to Heaven
Pessimistic View:  Watching All Dogs Go to Heaven will make you miss him more.
5/10/17Your cat died.
Optimistic View:  Cats have 9 lives!
Pessimistic View:  Their other 8 lives are spent in different circles of hell.
5/17/17Your hamster died.
Optimistic View:  I just got new shoes!
Pessimistic View:  Now I have to research if it's ok for my snake to eat a dead hamster.
5/24/17Your phone died.
Optimistic View:  After I plug it back in it will resurrect & tell me about the afterlife again! In phone heaven there is no touching or talking or vibrating.
Pessimistic View:  I always thought my phone would die in a cool way so that I could tell all my friends, not of boring old natural causes.
5/31/17Your hair died.
Pessimistic View:  "All growth comes from death," the religious sucker will say, grasping at straws to teach an ignorant lesson that no one will benefit from.
Optimistic View:  Hair is cool because it can do both kinds of dying.

Your toaster is unplugged.

Optimistic View:  Toaster cords are always short so it will be easy for me to find the outlet!

Pessimistic View:  My wife left me because she thought I didn't pay the electric bill & I JUST NOW discovered this after the divorce was finalized! If only I had loved her more! If only I had loved toast more!

8/2/17The drone delivered the wrong cat to me.
Optimistic view:  Great! This is going to be like when you get an order wrong at a restaurant & they send you a second one free!
Pessimistic view:  I ordered a cat that would be docile after a loud drone ride. Now I'm getting scratched deep into my eyes, what a bummer. Oh well, I'm really going to miss seeing the infinite beauty of life.
8/9/17You dropped your phone in the toilet.
Optimisticalish View:  Maybe it's better than dropping my toilet on my phone?
Pessimistic View:  I was a fool for eating my phone.
Tarantillic view: "I'm a tarantula. I don't care about this!"
8/16/17Your hand is broke.
Mixed View:  That's fine, if my hand was holding my money I'd get robbed.
Optimistic View:  People are always looking for a hand out. If they see my hand is out they may lend me a hand.
Pessimistic View:  Oh no, what if I have to have it amputated!? Deaf amputees must have a really hard time communicating. It's all YMCA for them.
8/23/17There's litter everywhere.
Pessimistic View:  I was just on my way to the store to see what the new Whatchamacallit wrapper looks like. I hate spoilers!
False Optimistic View: It's not the worst thing we've done to Native Americans.
Optimistic View Two:  It's not litter, it's free advertising.
8/30/17They've implemented postmortem restraining orders to prevent hauntings.
Pessimistic View:  My plans for eternity are ruined!
Optimistic View:  It doesn't count if you're already dead. Good thing I saved my fake death certificate from 1995.
Nerdic Nordic View:  Good luck implementing it. Norway isn't part of the EU.
Pan-handler's View:  "Spare some change will ya? They won't let me haunt the boss that fired me & got me into this rut."
Nobody's View:  Awesome now we can get a prequel to Ghostbusters where there's no ghosts & it's all lawyers!
9/6/17Saying, "It's not the worst.." vs. saying, "It wasn't the greatest.."
Optimisticer View:  Saying, "It's not the worst.." isn't the greatest thing to say.
Pessimisticer View:  Saying, "It wasn't the greatest.." isn't the worst thing you could start off with.

Your balloon porcupine is pregnant with a non-balloon porcupine's porcupette.

Pessimistic View:  Lots of loud death(s)(?)

Optimistic View:  I'm inspired to spread this message to the world, "Help control the balloon population. Have your balloon animals spayed or neutered."


Your walnuts have tiny ninjas in them.

Pessimistic View: If I don't open the nuts they'll die!

Optimistic View: If I don't open the nuts they'll die! Thus they won't be able to slice off the tip of my nose, or other tips.


Your mother doesn't approve of your choice of partner.

Pessimistic Response:  Sadness & deep contemplation & reflection.

Optimistic Response:  Hey ma, C'MAAAHN! C'mon ma. C'mon.



Introvert View:  Dogs are jerks because they don't respect my personal space.

Extrovert View:  Cats are jerks because they don't acknowledge my existence frequently enough.


Your refrigerator is running.

Optimistic View:  It left a trail of food we can follow.

Pessimistic View:  That can't be good for its knees.


You dropped your sandwich in the yard.

Pessimistic View:  My dirt & grass sandwich is ruined!

Optimistic View:  If I attach balloons to it I can send it to heaven.


Body Wash on a rope

Heard of it view:  It doesn't rhyme with soap!

Never heard of it view:  (While bleeding) This luffa is too rough.

11/1/17You didn't eat enough Halloween candy.
Pessimistic View:  I forgot about Halloween & now it's too late to go door to door.
Optimistic View:  Candy goes on sale today!
You ate too much Halloween candy.
Optimistic View:  At least it was this year's candy.