Weigh It Wednesdays
2016 2017


Discovery of alien life

Optimistic view:  This is amazing, there is so much we could learn.

Pessimistic view:  They probably won't like my cooking.


Hit a deer with your vehicle

Pessimistic view:  That's gonna cost a lot to repair.

Optimistic view:  It masks the other blood on the hood of my car.


Your web browser says, "Server not found"

Pessimistic view:  Ahh guff! I can't get to my favorite world wide website!

Optimistic view:  Good for her, she needs some time off.


Windows 10 is crashing again

Pessimistic view:  *weeping & gnashing of teeth*

Optimistic view:  Thankfully they never released Windows 9. I would have hated to use that.


Your dinner is burnt

Optimistic view:  We get to eat out tonight!

Pessimistic view:  My asparagus died for nothing.


You're sentenced to prison for a crime you didn't commit

Pessimistic view:  I've been screwed. I don't deserve this!

Optimistic view:  Now I can learn how to do some real crimes for when I get out.


Survived a plane crash

Optimistic view:  I'm alive!

Pessimistic view:  Somebody's gonna have to clean all this up.

6/22/16 You broke your leg
Pessimistic View: Now I have to wait until I can frog hop again to integrate into the toad community for the documentary I'm producing.
Optimistic View: Now I can learn to forge all of my friends signatures! $_$
6/29/16 Top 10 Lists
Optimistic View: Such an efficient way to imbibe opinion, history, & humour.
Pessimistic View: Stupid base 10, arbitrary, hyperbole-laden, opinion based pap! 0100000101000001010100100100011101001000!
7/6/16 A meteor is hurdling towards earth!
Pessimistic View: We're all gonna die! & I just peed my pants!
Optimistic View: No one cares that you just peed your pants.
7/13/16 Your house is burning down
Pessimistic View: I've lost my collection of antique fireworks!
Optimistic View: This fire makes my house look like the raddest house on the block!
7/20/16 Your survival bunker fell into a sinkhole.
Optimistic View: If I can get to it down there the bunker is even safer!
Pessimistic View: All that money wasted! What will I do now when the reverse zombie apocalypse happens?
7/27/16 It’s a sunny day
Optimistic View: This outta help me to stop tripping on all those street cantaloupes.
Pessimistic View: It’s too bright to look up to dodge all those sky cantaloupes.
8/3/16 I dropped a piece of candy & can't(dy) find it!
Pessimistic View:  The 5 second rule doesn't use Venusian seconds.
Optimistic View:  Lost loose candy is the only kind of candy God allows angels to eat.
8/10/16 The fork ran away with the spoon
Optimistic View:  Time for corndogs!
Pessimistic View:  If I can't catch a fork & spoon I'm really out of shape!
8/17/16 Your heart feels heavy
Pessimistic View: I feel sad.
Optimistic View: I feel like donating blood!
8/24/16 Your Sandwich was stolen
Pessimistic View: Oh great, now I need 2 heroes.
Optimisticer View: Good, because I can stand to lose some weight, too bad it'll mostly be water weight from crying. Ooh-hohohoho! *blows nose*
8/31/16 You found the dead body of a mafia member.
Pessimistic View: It’s a shame that dapper pin stripe suit can’t be salvaged.
Optimistic View: At least he died doing what he loved... leaving a corpse.
9/14/16 I lost my swimming hammer!
Pessimist View: That thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea; you’ll never get it back.
Optimist View: It’s a good thing that hammer can swim, it’ll make it to shore in no time!

The power went out while I was juggling knives indoors.
Optimistic View: So what, I’m blindfolded.
Pessimistic View: I can’t juggle the electric knives without the sound!
9/21/16 My toaster is missing.
Pessimist View: It was stolen!
Optimist View: Cool! I wish I had a toaster with an invisibility button. I’d be cracking up while people are like, “Where’s that toast smell coming from?” AND I could hide my 2 pieces of emergency bread in there instead of having to carry them in my shoes!
11/9/16 World War III
Pessimistic view: @#☼% it's World War III!!!
Optimistic view: If we survive this war, it's gonna make for some awesome movies & video games.

1/4/17 Your goat is a cannibal
Optimistic View:  You can feed it goat figurines telling it that they are shrunken goats.
Pessimistic View:  I don't think the breeding is going to go well.

Your doctor is a zombie

Pessimistic View:  That's not sanitary.

Optimistic View:  I trust him more because he knows better than any doctor that it sucks to be dead.


Your hamster ran away

Optimistic View:  Wow look at him go! All that training paid off! Who's regretting that $10 I spent on his wheel now?

Pessimistic View:  If he falls through the crack in the floor there'll finally be a downside to that sinkhole under the house.


Your pet fruit fly died young

Pessimistic View:  Now what am I going to do with all this rotten fruit I bought for his month day?

Optimistic View:  They'll put me on tv for being crazy enough to keep track of my infestations' lifespans!


A car ran over your foot

Pessimistic View:  Oh no! My foot! AAAA!

Optimistic View:  I love being a land owner! Next year I'm gonna buy a second square foot of land, non-adjacent of course. Oh were I to afford square foot adjacency I would spend my money on finer things.


You found a snake in your bed

Pessimistic View:  I'll never be able to go to sleep again!

Optimistic View:  Aha! Memory foam is made of snakes! I'll blackmail the mattress industry for millions!


A helicopter chopped off your hand

Optimistic View:  I can be airlifted quickly to the nearest hospital.

Pessimistic View:  My helicopter is a lousy chef.


There's a shark in your pool!

Pessimistic View:  Unfavorably there are no tributaries for him to exit forthwith under his own accord.

Optimistic View:  I must have some really powerful enemies for this to happen. My death is gonna make the papers! And not just the obituary this time! I'm talking tragically bold mega-headings!


You have ants in your pants.

Pessimistic View:  Eww, no! Ahhh! Hehehe. Ecch!

Optimistic View:  So THAT'S where I put my pic•i•nic basket!.


The dog ate your homework

Optimistic View:  YES! It finally happened!

Pessimistic View:  Sucks that I'm [insert your seasoned adult age here] before this finally happened.


The snow melted & revealed your yard is filled with sponges

Pessimistic View:  It feels very weird to walk in my yard now, worse than walking in mud barefoot.

Optimistic View:  This will make my compulsive egg juggling habit less messy.


You're parents are getting a divorce

Optimistic View:  It's not a broken home, it was just a home built from incompatible materials.

Pessimistic View:  Time travelling great great grandma & grandpa aren't gonna be happy.


Your car was stolen.

Pessimistic View:  I'm stranded! What a horrible day!

Optimistic View:  Maybe they'll hear the guy in the trunk &, unlike me, be able to figure out how to free him.


You went bald after drinking a truth serum

Pessimistic View:  I can't lie about being ok with this.

Optimistic View:  I've discovered a hidden prejudice against bald people & will hire a bald therapist to help me work through it over the coming millennia.


Your metal detector ring keeps detecting metal in your sandwiches

Optimistic View:  My delicious blood sandwich is just very rich in iron.

Pessimistic View:  Now I have to buy a mood ring too to detect the mood of the person who put the metal in my sandwich.


Truckers keep trying to sell me families of koalas

Optimistic View:  I could make a killing as a koala photographer!

Pessimistic View:  Those aren't real families, I don't see a ring on her finger!


You're so boring that when tumbleweed sees you it blows the other way

Pessimistic View:  You're too boring to have views.

Optimistic View:  That tumbleweed is gonna make it to Canada!

5/3/17Your dog died.
Optimistic View:  All Dogs Go to Heaven
Pessimistic View:  Watching All Dogs Go to Heaven will make you miss him more.
5/10/17Your cat died.
Optimistic View:  Cats have 9 lives!
Pessimistic View:  Their other 8 lives are spent in different circles of hell.
5/17/17Your hamster died.
Optimistic View:  I just got new shoes!
Pessimistic View:  Now I have to research if it's ok for my snake to eat a dead hamster.
5/24/17Your phone died.
Optimistic View:  After I plug it back in it will resurrect & tell me about the afterlife again! In phone heaven there is no touching or talking or vibrating.
Pessimistic View:  I always thought my phone would die in a cool way so that I could tell all my friends, not of boring old natural causes.
5/31/17Your hair died.
Pessimistic View:  "All growth comes from death," the religious sucker will say, grasping at straws to teach an ignorant lesson that no one will benefit from.
Optimistic View:  Hair is cool because it can do both kinds of dying.

Your toaster is unplugged.

Optimistic View:  Toaster cords are always short so it will be easy for me to find the outlet!

Pessimistic View:  My wife left me because she thought I didn't pay the electric bill & I JUST NOW discovered this after the divorce was finalized! If only I had loved her more! If only I had loved toast more!