Great Lessons

For the absolute greatest lessons see the Top Lessons page which has the top 3 lessons of each year.
To be a great Lesson it must have been wildly popular, very funny, or a favorite of (The Joe), Emperor MAR, or other Piemericans.

Great Lessons (Last Updated 2005)
Do not play dead in a freshly dug grave.
     -from 1/22/01 The First Lesson Ever

Some people will never learn. The sad thing is most of those people go to school.
     -from 10/8/01 Considered worthy of the Top 3 of 2001 but wasn't included in the original voting.

When there's nothing left to do dance! Cause dancing will cheer anybody up.... except the cripple.
     -from 3/13/02

Flash Forward Edition:  Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.
     -from 4/9/02 Lesson Mania 2002

Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that is.
     -from 4/12/02 Lesson Mania 2002

Don't polish a match book with gasoline.
     -from 4/13/02 Lesson Mania 2002

If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.
     -from 4/13/02 Lesson Mania 2002

If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country.. whoops! too late for this lesson!
     -from 8/19/02 A Favorite of Real Name

Start the week off on the right foot. Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have trouble.
     -from 8/21/02

If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.
     -from 8/23/02

Flashback Edition:  Nothing is ever the same in my wallet there's always change.
     -from 8/27/02

Glass the other red meat.
     -from 8/28/02

Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do.. How dumb are you people?! Do you really need this lesson?
     -from 9/2/02

If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
     -from 9/6/02 An Extreme favorite of (The Joe)

If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to their self.
     -from 9/9/02

There's always room for Jell-O, this means every building must have a room just or you'll be arrested.
     -from 9/10/02

A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.
     -from 9/19/02

Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.
     -from 9/27/02

The bird chirps.
The man burps.
     -from 9/29/02

I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference between right & wrong.
     -from 10/5/02 A favorite of (The Joe) that few get.

If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.
     -from 10/11/02

Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon fights. They know it's a watermelon.
     -from 10/14/02

Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.
     -from 10/26/02

The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.
A Message from Adults Everywhere
     -from 10/31/02

Today is Tuesday. I'm sure some of you needed to know that.
     -from 11/5/02

When the noose becomes the latest fashion it won't last long. wink wink
     -from 11/6/02 A favorite of (The Joe)

Old people have adventures with their dentures. No wait, they're just senile.
     -from 11/15/02 A controversial lesson that Donliantman opposed

Ugly people are like sunlight they are nice to have around but you don't want to look directly at them.
     -from 11/17/02 A controversial lesson that Donliantman opposed

Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.
     -from 11/21/02

Bees are nice if you give them honey.
Bees are mice if you dress them funny.
     -from  11/27/02 An Extreme favorite of (The Joe)

Scared of life on other planets? Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.
     -from  11/29/02

One day bed time will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive & capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bed time will become dead time.
     -from 12/6/02 it was popular

People who are young don't like homework but older people want to work at home
     -from 12/10/02

Actions speak louder than words. Words speak louder than silence although silence may have the most to say.
     -from 12/20/02 Deep. etc.

Want to give your kids a great present? Give them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember, A savage beating.
     -from 12/24/02

They should just make a faucet with a 3rd knob for warm.
     -from 12/27/02

Sticks & stones may brake your bones but that doesn't mean your bones are made out of sticks so stop rubbing your hands together, Now!
     -from 2/11/03

Beware! Homeless people may have houses because a house is not a home.
     -from 2/13/03

Life isn't about accomplishments. It's about eating things that shouldn't go in your mouth but are still edible.
     -from 2/15/03

Let something drive you crazy.
Its better to be chauffeured than to drive yourself there.
     -from 2/27/03

The perfect time to run in slow-motion is when it's windy out, that way it fells like you're really like you're really going fast.
     -from 2/28/03

If a tree falls in the forest be glad you don't live in the forest.
     -from 3/14/03

When crossing the road, stop & think long & hard about your safety.
     -from 3/17/03

If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.
     -from 4/27/03 Lesson Mania 2003

Its easy to be a pickpocket just choose.
     -from 4/27/03 Lesson Mania 2003

Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.
     -from 4/27/03 Lesson Mania 2003

When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.
     -from 4/28/03 Lesson Mania 2003 A favorite of Joenan & many others.

If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you
     -from 4/30/03 Lesson Mania 2003

When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
     -from 5/1/03 Lesson Mania 2003

If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.
     -from 5/1/03 Lesson Mania 2003

Table salt is best used when eating a table.
     -from 5/3/03 Lesson Mania 2003

As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
     -from 5/3/03 Lesson Mania 2003

If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.
     -from 5/3/03 Lesson Mania 2003

Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.
     -from 5/15/03

If it is hot outside & someone complains just tell them
"Lighten up it's the 90s"
     -from 7/27/03

If you run while wearing a jogging suit you can be sued for false advertising.
     -from 8/6/03

When driving & dialing a cell phone at the same time beware for a fellow motorist may suggest you dial with an alternate finger.
     -from 3/10/04

If all of your friends jump off a bridge, remember it when picking new friends.
     -from 3/12/04

Train owners in the 1800s were very bad people so that they could get much coal every Christmas.
     -from 3/14/04

Food taste good when you're cruising in the hood. Eating chicken with hot sauce don't forget to floss.
     -from 3/21/04

Its hard to tell someone what because they always think you're asking them a question.
     -from 3/28/04

The hardest lesson to learn is the one given by us.
     -from 4/5/04

Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough
     -from 4/8/04

When competing on a game show, remember nothing is real.
     -from  4/14/04

If you have a fear of failure you mind as well just stay scared.
     -from 4/22/04

Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.
     -from 4/30/04

If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your friends.
     -from 5/3/04

When you're told "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear almonds too, just for good measure.
     -from 5/3/04

Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.
     -from 5/5/04

Hide & go seek gone wrong: You have a skeleton in your closet.
     -from 5/6/04

All good friends eventually have a dead end.
     -from 5/7/04

Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.
     -from 5/7/04

With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.
     -from 5/8/04 An Extreme favorite of Emperor MAR

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you except in the case of whittling.
     -from 6/18/04

Light switches are not recommended when savagely beating a child.
     -from 6/23/04

It's important to pay attention in order to stay out of debt.
     -from 8/2/04

If you're depressed get a shovel go into your backyard & start digging. I guarantee you'll never feel like dirt again.
     -from 8/5/04

You booze you loose.
     -from 8/17/04

A sure cure for loneliness is by putting a feather in your cap. The animal rights activist will never leave you alone.
     -from 8/22/04

Its important to practice redundancy.
Its important to practice redundancy.
     -from 8/22/04

Attempting to punch out a walrus is not a good Idea.
     -from 8/23/04

Scarecrows are scary because they too, like Zombies, want brains.
     -from 8/23/04

A shadow is like a friend that follows you around & imitates everything you do.
It is surprising that more people do not dislike their shadow.
     -from 8/24/04

The sounds of nature can be soothing.
They can also make you want to go out shooting.
     -from 8/25/04

Up & Down are opposites & that's why they like each other.
     -from 8/26/04

Refrain from asking clothes to do work because they are always worn out.
     -from 8/29/04

People that keep quiet need to pass it around a little more.
     -from 8/30/04

The sweet song of bird is often overheard.
The sweet song of man is not heard when he's on the can.
     -from 9/1/04

If the old saying "You are what you eat" were true I'm sure there would be more cannibals.
     -from  10/23/04

Less people would procrastinate if the word were negativecrastinate.
     -from  10/24/04

Due to the modern popularization of tattoos the phrase "Read my lips." can now be taken literally.
     -from  11/8/04

The only reason why people retire is because as they get older their hearts can't take the sound of an alarm clock.
     -from  11/11/04

The future is unforgettable.
     -from  11/23/04

When push comes to shove, pull ... out a baseball bat.
     -from  12/16/04

You don't have to take offense it is your choice.
     -from  12/19/04

When one asks "Is the glass half empty, or half full?" Notify them that the cup does not remain at half point for long if it is ever even that precise.
     -from  12/20/04

Flashback Edition:
The latest news is no longer informative.
     -from  12/21/04

Christmas is coming, oh yes it's near. Christmas is coming, a time for cheer. Christmas is coming, yes the day that is next. Christmas is coming, in Christ we can rest.
     -from  12/24/04

Getting something stuck in your teeth is like getting a needle stuck in a leaf they both create a bad lesson.
     -from  12/30/04

Procrastinator's Edition:
The more you hesitate the longer others wait & from that they may become irate. Those people will then debate your personal weight & being unable to relate to your hesitate trait they will turn to hate but won't be able to find the words to conjugate or create so their hate will abate because they can't desecrate your hesitate trait.
     -from  12/31/04

While playing a musical instrument one can be quiet & loud at the same time.
     -from  1/1/05

Crackers are one of the few ways to exert dominance over large & powerful animals.
     -from  1/2/05

There is plenty of room on a spaceship.
     -from  1/5/05

If you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you that person has a very piercing stare.
     -from  1/8/05

Birds can easily hear high pitched voices.
     -from  1/9/05

The reason why high fives are so popular is because a large percentage of U.S. currency bears traces of cocaine.
     -from  1/11/05

The only way to hear a seashell is to hold the ocean to your ear.

     -from  1/15/05

The best place to have a fit is a tailor shop.
     -from  1/22/05

Due to the popularity of plastic surgery the term "picking your nose" takes on a whole new meaning.
     -from  2/21/05

The sun is the solar system's space heater.
     -from  3/2/05

One day cell phones will get so small people will call them cell phones.
     -from  3/8/05

The longer cops patrol the more petrol they use.
     -from  3/30/05

The newcomer is always undefeated.

     -from  3/31/05

One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.
     -from  4/23/05

Lessons from 5/15/05
People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.

The highest that one can count is in an airplane.

Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous abrasions.

Driveways are used for parking too.

Lessons from 5/16/05
Happiness is like a drug except it is harder to obtain.

Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.

It isn't wise to be stupid.

Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.

A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used for much more dangerous decisions.

Left just isn't right.

Lessons from 5/17/05
The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.

People who tend to panic for no apparent reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to because they were never calm to begin with

Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.

The worst way to give your child the sex talk is by personally showing them how it is done.

Simply breathing can be referred to as "blowing your nose"

You can't always say 'the right thing' because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your mouth.

Right angles like to gloat.

Lessons from 5/18/05
A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.

Don't believe everything you hear because sometimes you will hear lies.

Capital punishment isn't listening to a boring speech.

Someone who mimics you without permission is guilty of copyright infringement.

Having a pitiful life stinks.

Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.

Just as the USA has a threat level color system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly dangerous.

Some people tell you "It is not polite to point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.

Lessons from 5/19/05
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.

Lazy people try to jog their memories of things in order to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers talk about jogging.

Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a windshield around in a hurricane.

If practice makes perfect then no one has ever practiced.

If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them know they were supposed to knock on the door.

Be careful what you wish for because you are almost certain to be disappointed.

It is not what you do that counts but rather why you do it. Unless what you do is count.

Taking the Bible out of context is like trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be any good & cake never is anyway.

It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be alarmed"

Most people just condition their air rather than their bodies.

Violence is never the answer because there is no question as to whether you should use it.

Drinking from a straw always sucks.

You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously wasn't your friend.

Lessons from 5/20/05
Many people can spell but few can dispel.

The catapult wasn't named as such because it launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.

Sharing is halfway between giving & taking yet so few can make this compromise.

People who drive wrecklessly seem to wreck the most.

Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if you are a bad photographer.

The more light you let in the more the light lets you out.

Be sure to understand the difference in figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order.. shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.

Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.

Bicycles will let anyone ride them.

Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.

Lessons from 5/21/05
Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use Butter Putters, Screw Drivers, & Potato Wedges.

No one has ever run out of time before.

Being in the company of strangers is strange indeed.

Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their chin up.

Courts always buy sturdy tables.

The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who blamed his hat.

It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.

If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "Its high five."

The past creates the present.

Face the facts. Read a book.

You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on the range all you need is to be a fat young man.

Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun angry.

Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.

Flashback Edition:
The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is that cavemen spoke English!

If you keep believing in luck you're out of luck.

Feelings are like the cherry on top or the poo on yo shoe
Depending on whether good or bad

Seeing is believing that you are not blind.

The future always waits

If you don't apply what you learn then you really haven't learned anything.

Love in your tummy is like the least yummy place to have it.

Caring is like sharing except better because you don't have to share.

Baking a pie is like getting poked in the eye except one makes you want to live & the other could cause you to die.

The perfect excuse for a kid to disobey his parents would be to say "I thought you were using reverse psychology & that you wanted me to do it."

The reverse of thirst is when you've drank so much you could burst.

Having no choice is like having every choice but unpickable.

If one wanted to be a grave digger as an adult & was asked "Where will you be in 10 years?" the person can legally say "In a grave." without sounding depressing.

When people usually lose their eyesight they loose the sight part & not the eyes.

If you lose weight being a loser is good.

The hardest thing about being young is getting old.

The tooth draft has the most interesting tooth picks.

A wooden speed limit sign.. yeah that's pretty limited.

There is one good kind of heart attack and that is when your heart is attacked by love.

The only restaurants that can really have homemade food are ones which used to be old people's houses.

The great thing about rain is that you can urinate & no one would even know it.

Chili is one food which contradicts itself because it is hot but it sounds cold.

Breaking records is like broken records because people do it over & over again.

The scariest room in the house is the living room because it is alive!

Everyone starts out small.

It isn't always easy to ease drop.

Question questions & you'll always have something to do.

Dinner time is never getting thinner time.

You can't tell unless you hear first.

It is hard to make friends with ice because it is so cold.

Being unprepared is an easy way to get scared.

Throwing caution to the wind is safer than throwing danger to the wind.

One cannot catch a breeze.

When one thinks one knows it all that is when one really has more to learn.

It is easy to be romantic when you are in love. All you have to do is tell the truth.

Someone that is kind. Is a great find.

Love is like butter. It is better when spread.

The club sandwich is the most dangerous sandwich.

It is always smart to agree with facts. That way you seem right more often.

Almost everyone is gifted on their birthday.

All Lessons 2001-2005