Passed out in the Lawn

I threw a rock in the middle of my yard
Because it tripped me in my driveway
I was so angry I could toss some more
But I headed for the door because I had just eaten and needed to floss

That night there was a dog who came onto my lawn
It barked and barked until the break of dawn
Or it would have had I not got up to use the pot
When I heard it barking there I just couldn't help but care

I got up
I opened my door and said "Shut up!"
But then it barked some more
So I walked onto my lawn waving my arms to make it gone
It didn't move a step
I said "Come one I've barely slept!"

I ran towards the dog
It moved aside
I tripped on the rock that did hide
And when I woke up my world was green
I saw that once little pup now towering over me
I scream "Shut up!"
For it's barking had not decreased

And I couldn't take this anymore
I got up and went to my car
I picked up a pickle jar
Yes that is right I keep a mini-fridge in my car
Not because I'm rich but because I'm fat
And I hate to eat a melted candy bar

I took out a pickle and I went 'toss, slap!'
Right in the dog's eye
It yelped then like a whisper it left my ear but not my eye

Then a kid ran up to me and said "Hey mister, we have missed her so much"
He said, "Her barking keeps my mother asleep. Since we lost my daddy the anger at the barking is the only thing that helps her not to weep over him."

A tear came to my eye and I said, "Listen kid, take it from me, if your mother ever gets tired of the dog barking and you feel like your in a pickle because you can't get it to stop please take my jar of pickles. Toss one at the dog eye. Here let me show you." 'Twap!'

Then the dog went screaming away and the kid followed behind her I'd say
I'm not too sure about that one because I was too busy eating pickles.
And I keep my bacon in the pickle juice. It is all precooked so I put it to good use.
I don’t' think I'll ever forget this day because I wrote this crap down
Forget about that now, I just can't stay awake..
Then our pickle spanking hero felt asleep on his lawn
He hit his head on the rock on his way down
Now he has amnesia to this day
The only thing he can remember is this story and how he secretly wished the dog wouldn't go away.. because he loved hitting it with pickles. "Twap!" Right in the eye
Oh please don't call animal cruelty
We were just kidding, he was really nice guy and the dog loved getting hit with pickles
The only reason it ran away is because its dog dad would hit it with pickles in the eye
The memory made the dog break down and cry
So it ran away as to not look like a wuss in front of its new hero
There is one thing always on the dog's mind
I wish the kid would have took the pickles and hit me in the eye..
So one day I was eating a sandwich
And as you know I'm a young man with Alzheimer’s
So I took me a bite then I looked up at you
I looked back down and said, "Who took a bite out of my sandwich!?"
"Was it you!?"
I'm so sad because I can never finish food
Oh wait I have amnesia, I must have forgot it wasn't Alzheimer’s
Even though that was the original joke

Well here I go; I take a bite real slow
My tongue and my teeth feel so much relief
Then I start crying
There's no pickle
The menu was lying

The waiters make me feel insane and low-down
I throw down the pickle I had in my left hand..
Then I realize that I had the pickle all of that time
My lack of memory keeps fooling me

So I walked out of the furniture store
Thinking "When will I ever remember what I was about to think instead?"
It's no wonder; I didn't think someone would actually eat a couch
Except my old friend Charlie
His breath was so bad but I didn't care
I still let him shave my eyelash hair
Boy I sure was dumb back in those days
Like that time I wore my watch to a funeral
And when it was past twelve I said "Hey let's get this over with!"
Everyone started crying because it was already over for former Police Chief Olds McCorpse
Yes he got shot on October 18 because he dressed like a mummy too early for Halloween
or maybe that was just how he normally looked
Anyways he shouldn't have attended that screening of The Mummy Returns II

Even though I have amnesia I keep remembering things so I better write them down while I have the chance
I used to hang out with a kid called KL5-554-5149
We got into trouble like normal kids do
Y'know beating up tennis players, arguing about can opener specifications, black mail (that is pouring ink into mail boxes), I used to button my shirt wrong and KL5 would wave goodbye with a mirror strapped to his hand so he could disappear into the night
We did some good things too like setting dinner tables, albeit on fire but I can eat with my hands just fine
I haven't used a fork since I was born
And I wasn’t born yesterday, actually I can’t remember so I’m not sure
Mmmm sandwich..
Who are you and what have you done with my cliché?
2007 Piemerica-Incorperated-Eternally

1,000
Words

Written by Emperor MAR January 10, 2007
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