October 31, 2015
My halloween costume is Road Mustard
are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a fish
are weird if you watch primetime tv.. with intact paper sacks over your
hands, & remote.
are weird if you are just shy.. of speaking 600 words per minute.
10/4/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if on sunny days you try to talk the sky into seeing your
because it looks blue.
are weird if you wish others happy birthday.. as your birthday wish
when you blow
out your candles.
10/6/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if you put Betamax tapes in cocoons hoping they'll transform
are weird if when someone says, "You'll never guess who I ran into
today!" you grab a hidden
duffel bag & disappear from their lives forever.
are weird if you regularly go shopping.. for camels in Alaska.
are weird if you take pictures of the summer breeze blowing above your
10/10/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to settle
You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash powder.
are weird if you never say "never".. and you speak English.
are weird if you take responsibility.. for inventing the steam engine..
resume.. while trying to get a job at a business you just started &
interviewing yourself in an unlit trunk.
are weird if tuck your kilt into your socks.
are weird if you like to give mad props to actors.
are weird if you cut watermelon.. out of your will.. as an inheritance
they spoil faster than you do.
are weird if you catch snowflakes so you can clone them to throw the
are weird if your pantry is full of cans.. of WiFi.
10/19/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper for them
to pay you than
it is to buy mannequins.
10/20/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can always
are weird if you think America is going downhill.. because a mountain
lobster eggs is growing under it soon to tilt us all into the ocean.
But on the bright side people on
the east coast will have the longest, awesomest slide ever.
are weird if you mark important dates on your calendar.. with your
10/23/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if you think paragraphs jump out of paper planes.
10/24/15 [Vine Video]
are weird if you bury your beloved pets.. under other people's potted
are weird if like to light farts.. in hospital nurseries.
are weird if you have a tree in your yard.. that won't shut up about
of being turned into a push broom. We all know push brooms are the most
are weird if you feel like a million bucks.. being burned in front of
of poor people.
are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other
shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the shadows get
are weird if you took other kids' lunch money.. to prom.
are weird if you never wear sandals because you don't want the NSA to
on your toes.
You are weird if you weep openly when a loved one dies.. their hair.
Oddtober II Lesson Vines
October Think About It Thursdays
What is your favorite fish.. to use as a
What's your favorite food.. to bribe seals with?
Do you think cornbread helmets are safe?
Do you promise that you don't swear?
October Friday's Feelings
I feel like a legless oil painting confusedly
running from a jewel thief.
I feel like I was born yesterday but live 30 years in the future.
I feel like a 4th grade report card with no As because it's in Chinese.
I'm more irked than a glassless butterfly.
I'm hungrier than a pigeon that has been tortured to eat waffles for 3
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
+=- Incremental High 5
Death Match Channel where corpses go on blind dates
Invisible Snowmen Channel
The Morally Upstanding Clown with a Chainsaw Channel
Bottled Water Training Channel
The Evangelize a Lost Sock Channel
I enjoy sleeping on my life bed.
I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing for you, so you can see the
humor in the situation.
I hit a bifecta!
I'm an expert in uninary. It's easy, it's just zeroes.
Once & a half
You should wear grippers instead of slippers. You could get hurt!
I like that you use verbs. I can understand you that way.
"Hello" is a quote from 4,600 movies.
is an arrow that doesn't point.
Sorry that was a pointless joke.
I'm unpopular, so I just bought a bunch of box fans at the store to
keep myself from crying.
You should hang Christmas ornaments from your eyeglasses.
Wagons made of jello cotton candy
What's in the cup, strawberry blood, otherwise known as strawberry
Ordered some toast online. Gotta say I prefer home made toast. It's not
hot when you get it in the mail & if you re-heat it in the toaster,
it burns. That's a no recurring customers business model.
I'd sure like to bone her.
I'd sure like to debone her.
classy. I only send middleless pics online.
Back in my day we only had two notes, B & B#. Before that they only
When I was a lad, Bill Gates was just Bill Gate.
It's a little known lie that most ghosts are Siamese ghosts.
really regargoyle my onion. You know that?
KJ12: You should write a book.
MAR: Why? Books can't write back.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
Emperor MAR Secretly Periscoping from a Stranger's House
Lights of indeterminate vertical placement (Periscope Selections)
September 30, 2015
The future was now.
Summer time is the best time to have feelings because if you get
hotheaded you'll burn up, if you get cold hearted you'll warm up, if
you get pigheaded they'll cook you on July 4th!
The word conundrum looks like the sounds a drum makes.
By & large is easy. By & small is harder.
Statistics are perhaps the best dehumanizing way to help us learn about
No roads can talk so when we judge the roads we are on we put gravelly
words in their mouth to fill their pot holes.
The only people you have to feel bad about not getting Christmas
presents for are people whose birthdays are Dec. 26-31 because everyone
else has already had presents on their birthday earlier in the year.
Smokey the bear is actually pro forest fire that is why he refuses to
When Thing T. Thing dies & becomes a ghost he won't be able to find
his way around because he has no eyes & will not be able to touch
Everyone has a dark heart because it is inside their chest.
There is no such thing as a fake color.
You don't earn nickels from chopping pennies.
Don't order toast online. It's not hot when you get it in the mail
& if you re-heat it in the toaster, it burns.
You can lose a fight to the death & survive, if the death is of
The opposite of a puddle is a dry hill.
If live wires make you chuckle don't take them internally. The type of
laughter that will produce isn't the best medicine.
If someone asks for your first name make sure they don't mean
Bottling sand is like making a chicken coop out of KFC.
There's dark chocolate & there's milk chocolate because milk isn't
Lesson Mania Week
The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their
jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to
or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return
A cocktail toothpick is a onek instead of a fork.
All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are
Chess players always be gambling because they request, "Check, mate"
Everybody is always intense, the present tense.
Upping the steaks is bad for tents.
It is impossible to honestly tell someone "I'm not talking to you."
Getting hugged by a zipper hurts!
Never shave your arm hair or someone might come by with some mannequin
sauce & take a bite out of ya.
If you ever travel back in time into pre-industrial revolution eras
don't say anything about space ships, you'll sound like an idiot.
"People spend billions on transporting space? What a bunch of rubes!"
If you find a hair in your hair complain to your mother & demand a
replacement head at no extra charge.
Noodles make us all suck.
For optimists the princesses in distress cliché doesn't represent
helplessness of women but the high value of daughters.
We are all out of our minds because our minds are in us.
Outerspace is a spaceship's yard.
The reason cheap food is fattening is so when poor people get even
poorer they have some fat stored up to help them survive.
In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
Set a tree on fire in the fall then shake the branches & it will
rain firey leaves.
Those who are good at saving money from being destroyed are often bad
at saving money.
I we see I
Ketchup found in captivity is always anal. Ketchup in the glass bottle
stubbornly refuses to come out & ketchup in the plastic bottle
Cheaters try to pass the test, in more ways than one.
Human value is not comparable to numbers, where one person is greater
than another. Human value is more like an alphabet where no letter is
greater than another. Each letter looks different & sounds
different yet they are always intersecting to make something great
You never know if someone has a pocket knife until they put it away.
September Weigh It Wednesdays
Your web browser says, "Server not found"
Pessimistic view: Ahh guff! I can't get to my favorite world wide
Optimistic view: Good for her, she needs some time off.
Windows 10 is crashing again
Pessimistic view: *weeping & gnashing of teeth*
Optimistic view: Thankfully they never released Windows 9. I
would have hated to use that.
Your dinner is burnt
Optimistic view: We get to eat out tonight!
Pessimistic view: My asparagus died for nothing.
You're sentenced to prison for a crime you didn't commit
Pessimistic view: I've been screwed. I don't deserve this!
Optimistic view: Now I can learn how to do some real crimes for
when I get out.
Survived a plane crash
Optimistic view: I'm alive!
Pessimistic view: Somebody's gonna have to clean all this up.
September Think About It Thursdays
How many noons does today have?
Have you ever held a séance for your dead pet rocks?
How can you live with yourself.. if you don't have a clone?
Anyone see the ellipses constellation come out the other night? It
filled the whole sky!
September Friday's Feelings
I'm more content than a lobster watching a
I'm more ticklish than a cobra that swallowed a pet rock.
I feel like a loaf of bread floating in pine oil.
I'm more buoyant than a pillow full of love letters to a wombat.
September 29, 2015
....Undelivered Master Cherries..
infinitely defeated liver costumes, race was a ripe window of underused
silk radishes. I was a thigh lift roanoke of undelivered master
cherries. Thoughts reinforce tiger laundry. Trains rattle inside of
string jars. Who farmed seeing invisible lights? My thoughts,
"Exactly." Did you shrink down to basket size? But baskets can be lots
o' sizes. How many chandeliers can you hang in your treeless yard?
I multiceive groups'. How many costs to shearing quarters? A middling
non-abundance of phantom barrishes. Bread testimonies about
transtoasting. How many histograms does it take to walk your dawg to
the 3rd moon of Neptune?
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Are These Flags Any Less Prejudice?
Lone Star, Lone WHITE Star
No polar bears?
a triangle in sight..
August 31, 2015
Dominoes can be used to simulate bookshelf collapses.
A hollowed out CRT tv can be used as a giant pasta strainer or a very
leaky & pointless foot bath.
Junk mail & phone books make great temporary toys for toddlers.
You can use brownies as declicious elbow or kneepads.
You can use a cheese grater to test any nerve on the surface of your
Properly lit kettle steam can make a convincing whistling ghost to
young people who know not what a kettle is.
If you eat all but one kernel from a corn cob that's a unicorn.
Replace your bindle with a briefcase & you'll look like the richest
hobo in the city.
To hypnotize birds you can attach a flexible roll-up piano to a zebra
on a merry-go-round.
Drive wooden stakes around the perimeter of your domicile to act as a
buffetesque termite deterrent.
Some bugs can save you from downing if you put them in your nose.
Coins & strings can help you style your tan.
Throwing enough black cats through mirrors can send you around the
orbit of bad luck into stupendous luck.
A fishing pole can be used as a grappling hook to climb a building, if
you have a highly trained fish or the building is under water.
There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for
Giant monsters can use baseball stadiums as engagement rings. Since all
baseball diamonds are the same size, there is no jealously in the
Diapers make excellent rain bonnets.
Rub ash on your feet to pretend like you've walked a long way without
Topless buses stood on end make great ladders.
A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard
You can use bibles in place of kevlar to make a superior bullet proof
Basketballs make great bouncers for private orange parties.
A common steak knife can be used as a forgiveness tester (requires some
lite to vigorous stabbing). You decide what to stab: pillows,
pets, waterbeds, tires, sandwiches, balloons, trees, "other," or even
A divining rod that has gathered moss will lead you to swamp water.
If you can't afford dark chocolate just eat regular chocolate with the
A paddle can not only be used as an oar but also as a floatation device
for legless dogs who cannot doggie paddle themselves.
Replace your outdoor ceiling fan's blades with swords to chop up
unwelcome bugs, birds, & overly curious cats.
Lumber can be used to visually simulate water if you have a blue marker.
A pile of aluminum cans makes a great affordable security system.
Only a few years of unused Christmas sweaters can create an excellent
winter hammock. Normal hammock's mesh is too wide to sustain warmth but
my patented sweater hammock is great for sitting next to the outdoor
fall fire, aside from the excessive flammability.
If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader, driving a
clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass suicide.
August Think About it Thursdays
Where did you get your delightful glass
How have you been since the turtle shell accident?
Who's you're favorite superzero? Mine is the binary zero.
If you could recolor the orange, but the name stays the same, what
colors would you use?
August Friday's Feelings
I'm more floored than a fish on a treadmill.
I feel like a taco in a birdbath.
I feel like an unloaded shotgun firing at a mobile pharmacy on a farm.
I'm less popular than a gator at a pett'n' zoo.
August 26, 2015
Weigh It Wednesday
Hit a deer with your vehicle
Pessimistic view: That's gonna cost a lot to repair.
Optimistic view: It masks the other blood on the hood of my car.
I know more about camels than jars of nails do but you don't see me
bragging about it more than once.
MAR: I'm from an alternate dimension
Stranger: No you're not
MAR: Not alternate to yours, alternate to someone else's
If I prefer my closets be painted white on the inside does that make me
a closet racist?
I graduated when I was 17 because I was smart.. enough to be born at
the right time of the year.
I live by the motto: Don't make up a motto to live by because
you'll box yourself in.
I like to take siestas down short term memory lane.
M D: What do you define as rich?
MAR: Yachty instead of Yahtzee.
….have a lot of extra dots. Do you want some?………
M D: Let's talk about how I burned 600 calories at the gym
MAR: You set fire to a double cheeseburger? My gym doesn't like
me setting fires, that why I don't go.
M D: Ohhh is that why?
MAR: Well that & it's not there anymore, it burnt down
somehow. We had a meat lovers pizza party to celebrate it.
I used to try to get people to catch my drift & they'd always miss.
Now I ain't got no drifts left.
I eat twice a year, if a year is 2 days long.
M D: I'm driving in the rain.
MAR: I was always the caddy.
I'm some about using subtle word differences. If I were all about it
that would be peculiar.
Internet is better for your teeth than candy.
If you could rate your mood on a scale of 1-7 leaving out 4-6 what
would it be?
For me, I'd say a wire of unknown metal 3.-3548216
Does not compute or brainpute.
Stranger: Where are you from?
MAR: Here or there, depending on where I am at the moment
Did you ever meet the shale oil whisperer of saskawaukee?
Y'know... If I had a fridge for every color in the alphabet I don't
know what I'd have.
Transmogrify any corn ice lately?
I don't think I know everything but I do think I know a decent bit
about things I care to know. Knowing everything is boring. Knowing
something is what's awesome.
I like the star that whispers about hamburger cooking safety in
sentient cows ears.
If we used a scale from negative infinity to positive infinity we'd
know 0 was in the middle. So, if you asked "How was your day?" & I
was judging my day on the -/+ infinity scale & I, without telling
you what scale I was using, said "I'd rate my day at a 0" it would
sound like the worst to you but would actually be right in the middle.
Howdy, Whichdy, Wheredy, Whody, Whatdy
August 20, 2015
August 19, 2015
Weigh It Wednesday
Discovery of alien life
Optimistic view: This is amazing, there is so much we could learn.
Pessimistic view: They probably won't like my cooking.
August 18, 2015
Things You've Never Heard on Your Birthday
Since you knew you'd be hearing "Happy
Birthday" today here is something you never thought you'd hear
If you scribble on tarmacs with frozen air by next next next June
you'll never need chalk scissors again.
The eggs are growing leather inside to infiltrate breakfast with beef.
But I know you'll keep everything springy for the rest of us.
Congrats your life has not been erased by a time traveler in this
timeline unless you're General Geoinge.
Your ridged pelt has a fine left. Put rights on the almonds & you
will have a smelted foyer.
I was going to put caterpillars in my veins but I wasn't strong enough.
You're good at welcoming palisades underwater with felt.
Hope your garbanzo lengthening is going well.
You'll now spend 5year% time on the wallet train basking in fjord
Have fun spackling the werewolf factory with fire cone lettering!
It is a good time to still be alive. Have some bread with the gopher at
I heard your ears & they work! You can never be too shelf.
I have an invisible & immaterial hang glider for you in the twelfth
dimension. But don't feel bad because everything in that dimension is
incorporeal, so much so I'm beginning to think the 12th dimension
Enjoy milking the peppers from your garden with your new desk wrench!
Party on with your landcolor diamondique lizard ranch envelope!
If you were a piece of paper no one would ball you up. You'd be the
hoop, net, end zone, or other size of the fence.
The leaves are ripe today. It is thrilling to have such a foamed vest!
A branch joyous weds. A breach wounds joys. A cab sojourned whys.
You were born
too!! That explains how you got here.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
July 31, 2015
Julyfe: Life Lessons
7/1/15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a potato. It doesn't start out very clean.
Life is like the game of Life except there aren't a lot of topless
Life is like a bottle of ketchup. The red on the inside is very
Life is like a fire. It produces light & warmth.
Life used to be like the open sea. The people who said "Yo Ho" were
Life is like an onion. Sometimes it makes you cry. Other times it
7/7/15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a cat. You spend a lot of time
sleeping & wanting to
7/8/15 [Vine Video]
Modern life is like a police car. There are a
lot of lights & loud
7/9/15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a balloon. It can come in animal
Life is like a pie, flaky & sticky but sweet all around.
Life is like a spider web, fragile yet strong & easily blown by the
Life is like a greeting card. The givers mean more than the words.
Life is like that time when you're not dead. Ohh what's it called, you
know what I'm talking about.
Life is like Life Cereal, we call them both by the same name.
Life is like a vine. Sometimes it is in full swing, sometimes it is all
Life is like an apple, the sweetness is around the core.
Life is like a little teapot, short & stout.
Life is like a playground. It is more fun with friends.
Life is like money. You spend it on what you love or what you owe.
Life is like a calzone, warm & gooey on the inside.
Life is like a straw. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it blows. Sometimes
you can just drink it all in.
7/22/15 [Vine Video]
Life is like an alligator. You'll see a lot
of green & you'll see a
lot of teeth.
7/23/15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a jet plane, few are trained to
operate it properly.
7/24/15 [Vine Video]
Life is like a car. With more money you get a
Life is like a beach. Sure you leave footprints everywhere you go but
the butt prints leave the greatest impression.
Life is like a roller-coaster. Sometimes it makes you scream with joy.
Other times it makes you want to puke.
Life is like a movie but much much longer & cheaper.
Life is like a knife. Sometimes it is about cutting, sometimes cutting
up. And like a knife life can spread.
Life is like a calendar. It begins on a certain date & ends on a
Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side up,
& sometimes it's over easy.
Life is like a taco buffet. There is a whole lot of crap after it ends.
Julyfe Life Lesson Vines
thirstier than a windmill in a Zebra fire.
July 30, 2015
About it Thursday
if knives have
July 29, 2015
July 28, 2015
Yankeedoodletiger was riding the wind like a toast
riding a butter slide. Cee the Bee saw him flying by. Cee thought to
herself, "Why do human eyes like varnish?"
Yankeedoodletiger flew into an outdoor hammer, exploding into more
bits. He lost what was himself & his family at the same time. As
Cee made her way to him she remembered all the times she grabbed onto
flowers that wouldn't blow away.
Cee wasn't a shell of herself, no that was the locust. But Cee couldn't
rhyme in Chinese while visiting Florida for fear of remembering the
helpless or brave Yankeedoodletiger & the hammer that could just as
well have been another flower.
The answer in short is yes, in slightly less short is yeah, in
medium is indeed.
Does your middle name get jealous of your first name?
M D: I'm more of a sausage person than a bacon person.
MAR: I look more sausagy than bacony too, rounded forearms &
People think it is silly when I say, "Back in my day.." yet they have
no problem asking "How was your day?"
You're the reason I think I had a day!
This is the end of the day's trail for the old sandusky spike cruller.
I rank my day as somewhere between a kaleidoscope of only oranges &
a ziplock bag of water, like 6/7ths full.
1: How did you sleep?
Shut up = |up|
July 27, 2015
+=- Fresh Anchors
I'm no expert when it comes to communication. I don't even know what a
pert is, so there's no way I coulda been one.
Cats taught me everything I know, except "what aren't cats like?" Well
I guess they did teach me that inversely.
I am older than most peaches at the grocery. At least I hope so.
I'm so old I've got grandkids.. of my mother, otherwise known as my
Some say talking to me is like pulling teeth. They're right. It should
only be done by professionals. #TheyreComingToTakeMeAwayHaHaaa
They don't let me near zebras… of course they don't let anybody else
near them either.
Usually fingers don't fing but when they do ohohoh nelly, you better
have a full size cabbage in your back pocket!
I am expressing my appreciation in this sentence, this sentence right
here, the one you are reading now because you can only read now.
To say next to the least.. I'm fearless because I don't take up new
I'm amusing & bemusing all rolled into 1 or however many I am.
M D: Question
MAR: I can answer those! :) Unless I don't know the answer :( .
You've gotta warn me next time & all the other next times after
MAR: I checked & myiceweasel is ok with purple pens flying
under Tampane Bridge mockups.
Char: I actually have no idea what you are talking about
MAR: No worries, I only have 1 idea what I'm talking about
MAR: Yeah but I lost it so I couldn't tell you what I meant
I always wanted to talk to a block of ice that's why I do it regularly.
You're all so young. I've got antiques older than you.
I'm older than the oldest person you know by at least 3 days. If the
oldest person you know disagrees with me I will fight them.
Questions are dumb & so are statements.
Why did the wallet throw away the man?
Because he was broke.
I'm half white, like a milk you'd throw away.
What do you call a cop without a mustache?
A kindergarten cop
Who's the nicest person you've ever.. kicked in the family jewels?
Mine was the first pope, then he made a whole rule about popes &
priests & nuns not having kids to cover his embarrassment. I did it
because he wouldn't let me wear his pope hat. I don't take nope from a
I can read almost any language. I just don't know what the words mean
or how to pronounce the properly.
Rubbing a bank using a guy named Rob is robbing a bank? or no?
People eat catfish but would you eat dogfish or peoplefish?
I'd only date you if I were an archeologist & you were bones.
The importance of punctuation inclusion.
M D: What's your name
MAR: No sorry, guess again.
My name is spelled with letters.
Would you like to hear a story all about how my life got flipped turned
upside down.. because i owed bullies money..?
A drama king is good at plays.
beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans beans
beans beans beans
Sorry, looks like I spilled the beans.
July 26, 2015
July 24, 2015
Stupid Questions with Stupid Answers
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
No, because if I say, "Get me a sandwich woman!" She ain't ever comin'
back with a hot dog.
What is it about death that you fear, exactly?
The skeleton face & the scythe, oh and the power to kill me.
Who says it can't be done? You know it can be done, don't you? If you
want it enough, right?
You're right. Time to drown my neighbor's gerbils. I live next to a pet
Do you give more than you take? Or take more than you give?
I'm more of a stasis guy.
Who are your role models? How would they act in the situation you are
They'd be like Wow! What is this fancy light book you have?
If you just go for it, what do you have to lose? Is the risk not
smaller than doing nothing?
But I was going to take that self-amputation class first.
Are you waiting for permission? What permission do you think you need
to move forward, and from whom?
Well those senators never answer my letters directly anyway. So.. It's
time to invade Poland.
If you were to start a business, what would it be? What would it do?
What would you need to have in place first?
If I started a business I'd be 100% owner so, none of your business.
If you have an important message to offer the world are you delivering
No, I tweet it.
How much time have you spent in nature lately? Enough time to calm your
mind and rejuvenate your soul?
Naw, there's bugs & dust out there.
If you could wave a magic wand and be anything, be anyone, who would
I'd be a magic wand manufacturer so I could give wands to everyone but
kids because they'd turn into cool monsters & accidentally eat
How do you best connect with others?
Through our Rigellian long protein strings.
What one piece of advice would you offer a newborn child?
Learn to speak English so you can eventually understand other people's
Where would you rather be, than right here, right now?
A couple of minutes from now, but I'll wait.
Is there a supreme power?
Yeah supreme pizzas have a power over me.
What makes you, you?
Do you know that delayed gratification is one of the most powerful
habits of successful individuals?
No, I was delaying learning about the most powerful habits of
successful individuals. Thanks a lot spoiler!
Who did you make better today?
No one, I decided to quit cooking people after the first try. No taste
is worth… that.
Is the country you live in really the best fit for you?
Is that a fat joke?
How old would you be if you did not know how old you are?
I'd be the same but stupid.
When it is all said and done, will you have said more than you have
That's the goal #LikeABoss
happier than a sentient pickle in an unopenable jar.
July 23, 2015
+=- Strange Man with Speaking Feature
I can't afford dark chocolate so I just eat
regular chocolate with the lights off.
What is this "ios" I keep hearing about? Is it the cool new way of
Kid's Birthday Party Idea:
A Hindenburg themed party where a team of ninja archers blow into to
the place to shoot down all the balloons with flaming arrows.
I'm gonna pretend like the space key on my keyboard is some kind of
awesome futuristic key that has something to do with outerspace.
When in jail you can read toast with your left hand.
Can someone be bisexist? Bias against both sexes?
Having living animals in your pie is the healthiest way to eat because
the sport of it lends vigorous exercise. If you have gorilla pie with
living gorilla in it make sure he has a less than 3 day life expectancy
or else he'll be too strong for all humans.
I'm a thing that can have words. You read any words today (other than
I think you aight as blue bread ya dig?
You look like you could fit in my hat.
Tell your grandkids to tell their grandkids to expect the package in
I knew you'd understand after you indicated that you concurred.
My ghost is my spirit animal.
I'm from the corner of here & now.
Fabric egg caller.
Chicken ghost eggs.
You look young.. enough to have been born in the past 65 million years.
What do humans eat now? I gotta keep up appearances.
Rider Drive: Good luck
MAR: That's just the kind of luck I needed! How did you know? Are
you my bayou bouncing billy goat baton bro?
If only bears were as confident as you, we'd all be dead. Good thing
bears are still self-loathing. That is why they sleep so much.
One scratch on the screen & you can't read nil. Sure you can read
longer words like kanoodle. But nil with the I & the L, it's
L Ren: -face palm-
MAR: That would be one creepy hand & so unsanitary.
It is fun for people to have thinks about you in your thoughter.
Think About it Thursday
What would a jury of pirates be like?
July 14, 2015
Some'n You Don't See Everyday
July 13, 2015
July 11, 2015
+=- I'm out of .
[You are my laugh track.]
I hold the world record for most hands. I have a whopping two. But the
record is a 7 billion way tie. :'(
I picked up a magazine about "100 people who changed the world." To my
disappointment it was mostly gardeners.
I love cracking seriousness with jokes.
So the point of these new smart watches is now when you have to put
down your phone to hug someone you can keep your addiction going by
looking at the watch behind their back? If not that is a good marketing
idea. You can hug while discretely reading this very post.
I think cows & pigs & chickens are ruining the planet
so tasty & thus making us fat. They evolved tastiness so they
survive by us breeding them. They didn't much fancy being hugged like
dogs & cats do. It is actually meat eaters that have prevented
these animals from going extinct.
MAR: i don't know if you know
Does LoL stand for soccer?
don't be a pacifist, pass dat fist!
I'm like an American Hero because I use the bathroom just like they do.
MAR: How many Irish sunsets have you seen while in a cave?
Kangi Andrew: None you?
MAR: None unless sleeping with your eyes open counts, then
thirty-six-thousand. Oh sorry I'm thinking sunrises, of course I don't
go to bed before sun sun sun.
pecans are apples for sailors?
Roman wants answers from Wyatt? That's like asking for a good
comparative analogy from me.
I don't need to get used to. I've already got used to & right
Since June of last week
Stroons kick cactus nickels!
I'd like to punch the internet in it's wifi because that wouldn't hurt
MAR: It would be a real surprise if someone literally "threw
a surprise party" from like a giant catapult or something.
Lori: And what would a thrown surprise party look like? U
know so I can be on the lookout
MAR: People & streamers falling from the sky but
balloons falling up into the sky.
an arch of rebel wings?
Time before eyelids
The twist ending is love.
Some missing content from 2011-2015 added to
archives pages. Missing
photos added to 2011
July 9, 2015
July 8-9, 2015 80s
July 7, 2015
Rare Double Remix
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Mr. Piemerica on Vine Follow
on Piemerica on Vine to get
lesson vines plus many more videos. To
save page space/load some vines will later be linked at the end
of each month.
June 30, 2015
Soon June Lessons
Soon TVs will start to watch us back & promptly wish they could
change the channel.
Soon salmon will start preventing forest fires just to make Smokey look
like an idiot.
Soon other brands of food will have names similar to I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!®, such as: I Can Totally Believe It's Not
Charred Cantaloupe®, I Would Like to Believe It Doesn't Contain Pig
Anus Hotdogs®, I'm Having Trouble Believing It's Taste is Worth It
Ricecakes®, & I Believe This is Tasty But Don't Believe in God
Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by
Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into
Soon Hollywood will go bankrupt after a boycott of films with "Rise of"
or "Resurrection" in the title.
Soon the tatthree will replace the tattoo because it will come with
Soon cell phones will again be called mobile phones. They will have
legs & they will come when we call.
Soon shoes will rise up & become stinky hats.
Soon machetes will find everyday kitchen usage after linoleum becomes
Soon people will stop saying "sooner or later" because sooner is still
always later. In its place will be, "sooner or less sooner."
Soon flying cars will be getting stuck in your potato salad.
Soon all payphones will have cameras too as photo booth makers
& phone booth makers join "forces."
Soon many sports will cease to exist after all spheres evolve into a
new 5D without any of the Ds being the 3 we know & love.
Soon firefighting will be fighting like prowrestling is fighting. Our
firefighter heroes will begin to work together with the villainous fire
we love to boo to put on a good show.
Soon roosters will unite for a global alarm clock heist.
Soon Disney will send marketing messages to fetuses through ultrasounds.
Soon ants will be trained to bring food to share at picnics.
Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their wings
Soon the lazy will rise up & create a social justice movement
because of all the discrimination they've suffered. Boy that sounds
like a lot of work, nevermind.
Soon the Penultimate Fighting Championship will be founded &
fights will take place in a 7 sided Mocktagon.
Soon Morse Code will make a comeback as the first form of communication
that can be sent directly to your mind.
Soon Apple will introduce the Apple Ankle Monitor to help enforce
consequences & boundaries for addicts, ex-cons, &
Sadly only the richest & suckerest of people will be able to
Soon trash cans will take themselves out because their lives stink.
Soon ghost hunters will be exposed as frauds by very successful ghost
Soon in the US Lays will release crisp flavored potato chips. Nerds who
can taste semantics will buy them in droves.
Soon peaches will finally grow mustaches.
Soon MMA will inspire other arts to mix together. Tattoo artists will
be accompanied by interpretive dancers. Graffiti artists will tag urban
locations while jazz bands improv a soundtrack to their work. Poetry
will be primarily written during laser shows. Movies will have music
& paintings in them.
Soon politically correct terms will be replaced with single syllable
terms because most racists will be revealed as lazy rather than
prejudice because the number of syllables in politically correct terms
are higher than those in prejudice terms.
Soon the making of violent video games will come to an end as the human
race comes to an end.
This was taken with my old digital camera back
before digital cameras used pixels. They only used color digits, that's
why we call them digital cameras today. This one is so old it only used
0s & 1s.
May 31, 2015
If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables. Being
a vegetable is not a good thing.
Everyone who ends up in a grave changes the world.
A bicycle without wheels is not a cycle at all.
If you own a black cat keep your kids in the corner so it can never
cross their path.
Belenor's 11th sister was named Elanor.
If pennies were made of Lincoln impersonators they'd be worth more than
The reason we pay attention is because it is so valuable to others.
I guarantee my new line of steam soap will be a hot seller.
Some people are such cowards when it comes down to it they can't even
save a buck!
Burying bunnies in a cotton field is like giving them unmarked graves.
This is a trick question.
The first name "Real" will grow in popularity so future generations'
twitter handles will make more sense.
The word "good" doesn't look good. It is filled with holes!
Robots will use curly landline phone cords for their weaves. So keep
some extras in your pockets because fembots will rob you for phone
cords instead of money.
If someone tells you "I'm quite a catch," remember in fishing quite
catches are hard to get.
If a ghost invited you to dinner you would be eating alive animals
& fruits attached to roots.
If there was just one parachute left on earth it would only be useful
for jumping off of a cliff.
It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
In some cultures they wear pants to hold up their belts because their
English is so bad they call pants belts.
Great minds actually think exactly alike but when born in different
time zones they think 1 or more hours off from each other.
Werewolves suffer from narcolepsy & amnesia.
Recipes are food for thought.
Keep your chin up, stop looking at your phone all the time.
All of us can shoot spider webs, with our guns.
Greedy parachutes take too many people along.
If it weren't for ghost repairmen there would be a whole lot more
The reason why Donkey Kong was such an arcade hit was because every
barrel was a barrel of monkeys.
You eat a lot of corn if you have cob webs.
Be glad buttons aren't mini-zippers instead.
Since mummies & zombies are dead they also have ghosts, yet you
never see them team up with their ghosts.
This is how a robot types goodnight.
May 23-25, 2015
Missing Updates added to index &
Recent Facebook posts ticker added to top
of page to keep site always up to date
May 23, 2015
Superlatives I'd Like to See Most likely to..
lure hidden staircases out into the open
use ointment in front of the FedEx Pope
die six times in one day
take a Left to dinner
juggle turnips when you aren't looking
Least likely to..
use shards of dried bread as tape
use a Smartie to open a sardine can
kill a monkey using a monkey wrench while trying to save the monkey
with said wrench
Mediumliest likely to..
compliment a flying duck's kneepad durability
take a carrot's temperature.. too seriously
Best Dressed cacti
Most ticklish during a horse race
Least likely to be named Wiltmor by their parents:
Winner, everyone but Wiltmor Fids
May 22, 2015
New Post on my Loved by God
Others Blog No
May 19, 2015
New Comic Series Reflections
May 17, 2015
New Visual Lesson
May 11, 2015
So the point of these new smart watches is so
now that when you have to put down your phone to hug someone you can
keep your addiction going by looking at the watch behind their back? If
not that is a good marketing idea. You can hug while discretely reading
May 7, 2015
Unappreciated 21st Century Artist Gimmick
Promos (Short, Medium, Long)
These are prowrestling character
rants/promos of an unappreciated artist character. Bad guy promo on
entertainment, technology, parenting, opinion, personal identity,
May 5, 2015
Michael Reyes is Tough Enough (WWE Tough
Enough Application Video)
May 3, 2015
New Post on my Loved by God
Others Blog Infinite
April 30, 2015
April Fools & Wises Lessons On April 1st the
internet is filled with fools.. uh I mean April Fools jokes. But only Piemerica.org is talking
fools all month long with Piemerica's Lessons of/for the Day's newest
theme month April Foolses & Wises.
The wise man orders pizza in the morning. The fool orders pizza to do
his morning chores.
The dofus peels his lemon with his eyes wide open but the smarty pants
never shaves with glass.
The brainiac wears his clothes in winter but the blockhead wears winter
in his clothes.
The clod refills his gastank with bees. But the virtuoso only fills his
beetank with bees.
The nincompoop keeps all of his eggs in one carton but the maven hides
his eggs throughout his yard more than once a year.
The pundit will buy watermelons with change whether sticky or loose.
But the desperate ignoramus will try to split logs with chop sticks.
The Stanislaus has an extensive vocabulary & spells the word
HAM nicely but the Bubba couldn't spell the word toast with a hammer.
The dignitarious doyen captures monkeys in cages but the pulp headed
pupil irons apes instead of hiring a stylist.
The schmuck stores his winter coat in a freezer but the science-noggin
uses mannequins as ringers in freeze tag.
The goon wears umbrellas on his feet but the graduate strategically
hangs umbrellas from balloons for hands free dryness.
The fitness guru works out frequently but the laziness guru doesn't
have to buy socks as often.
The esteemed expert explicates entertainingly. The goof uses "goof" as
The intellectual charms his or her constituents. The illiterate uses
Lucky Charms to buy mice in Cardif, Wales.
The mixer modulates publicly but the monk high-fives in private.
The buffoon only knows the names of 5 colors but the boffo can color
her hair a realistic red.
The binger stops a headache with pills but the Blargg prevents
headaches caused by pounding plumbers by living in lava.
The prudent lad buries his comicbooks in mylar but the improvident chum
buries his groceries behind the fence at the police station impound lot.
The erudite homeowner uses Liquid Plumber. The dumbudolt homeowner
calls a plumber & melts him despite having no plumbing issue.
The mindscaper male portends pugilation but the Macho Man drops elbows
from the top rope. OOOOH YEEAH!
The protester may sound like an optimist but is actually a pessimist.
The antitester however is pro protests ending.
The old hand shakes hands to improve his status but the young hand
literally rubs elbows until he is asked to leave.
The learned only indulge in candy as often as YOU think they should.
The lout thinks the 1st M in M&M's stands for B & the
2nd M stands for lower case b.
The architect uses CAD software to create blueprints. The airhead eats
blueberries to create blueprints & demands a refund when the
prints turn out to be purple.
The magician sets things on fire only to entertain. The moron sets
things IN fire repeatedly because he keeps trying to set things ON fire.
The inordinate dress in a revealing manner. The bordinate wear clothing
with their revealing blog posts printed on them.
Greats pen memorable messages. Giddiots photobomb the blind.
The wittish buys a plane ticket to an island paradise. The wumpus
removes the seeds from a strawberry, fills a hat with dirt, &
leaves the hat on the floor.
The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon for
The thrifty superficial hunt for clothing deals at stores. The thrifty
stuperficial look for clothes in decks of cards.
The bequeather passes down money to his family. The dequeather passes
croquet mallets upfield at senior tee-ball games.
April 10, 2015
+=- Bending Colors
you ever played Oujia?
MAR: no but I almost smelled one once
Jhon10: Where are you from?
I don't read Spanish, though I speak it perfectly. I'm
Well doesn't that just shake a glazed ham in the wind?
I only believe what I hear, not what I see. The bad part is sometimes I
Texas Marco Polo: Where are you from?
MAR: I prefer no regional bias be in conversations, but you
being from Texas wouldn't understand that oooooh!
Texas Marco Polo: I come to you in speed of microwave
MAR: When it is set on 80 hours right?
Texas Marco Polo: Yup
I will not be boxed in by nouns like box or swami.
Adjacent aces borrow your colours good lad?
Court: I saved a turtle that was in the road
MAR: like hiding in a pot hole?
We are from earth. This earth to be less specific.
You cloud wearing, egg thumping, Charminavores!
Large liver, small dier.
Plays, I write plays. I just wrote two plays & finished a third
Here comes a fourth one.... "plays"
serious guys. I write plays in my spare time.
Captain M.: And your name is?
MAR: Nothing" "is" there 'is' only was & ever will
be. The present is an illusion fabricated by the past
& paid for by the future. The first time someone
truly lives in the moment is when they die. Because there are
no moments, only momentum. So when you live in something
false like a moment you fully lose momentum & the momentum of
your life ceases. Or so a cartoony sea barge once told me.
April 10, 2015
+=- Orbit without the sun.
Hearing is like a mirror if you
can hear them they can hear you right? Is that why people yell at
Lori: Are you sure you're not remembering something else?
MAR: I'm not remembering at all. I made it up.
My me loves that!
My memory is so good I unscrewed my head.
I'm in IN.
Ether in Simon Gotch’s mustache oil! Truly one of the finest ideas ever
put to #FFFFFF
March 31, 2015
Poor Man's March Lessons
You know you're poor if you're still saving up for that other scis.
You know you're poor when you use birdbath water as the base of your
You know you're poor when you squirt lemons in your eyes to go
colorblind just so you won't be covetous.
You know you're poor when you can't afford to eat at Kentucky Fried
Chicken so you eat at Puerto Rican Raw Bird.
You know you're poor when you use lightning bugs to light your house at
You know you're poor if instead of insurance you have
well-probably-not-ance or mildly-unlikely-ance.
You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your
pizza are your own tears.
You know you're poor when you use cheese as a mirror.
You know you're poor if you've antagonized someone because you were so
hungry you'd settle for a knuckle sandwich.
You know you live in a poor city when the water tower ain't nothin' but
You know you're poor when your windshield looks like it's been used in
an actual war.
You know you're poor when you couldn't afford tooth-picks so you had to
settle for tooth-we-tell-you-what-to-dos. Emancipated tooth cleaning
sticks just cost way too much!
You know you grew up poor when you encourage your kids to litter just
so other folk can find somethin' real nice.
You know you're poor when the only crayon you can afford is the color
You know you're poor when you've got a gun with no ammo, a soup with no
moisture, a dog with no legs, a shirt with no front, & a scarf
You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except
You know you're poor when you get stuck in traffic & you aren't
in a rush to get home because you're already home.
You know you're poor if you've never recycled aluminum cans because you
need them for the coils in your homemade mattress.
You know you're poor if the only steak you've ever eaten was the steak
to your tent because it was softened by protein filled termites.
You know you're poor if in lieu of buying a hat or sunglasses you only
go outside when it is cloudy.
You know you're poor if the speedometer on your car never goes past
zero either because it is broke or because your car is.
You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.
You know you're poor when your wardrobe consists of short, glass,
You know you're poor when you commit a crime just to get some free
police tape to use as a clothes line.
You know you're poor if you only go to the movie theater to collect
discarded ticket stubs so you can burn them for warmth.
Penny pinchers keep a sack of corroded pennies just so they won't go
nuts on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're poor when your favorite meal is shadow toast. Mmmm
taste that shaddy!
You know you're poor if save your kid's hair clippings so you can give
your kids beards for the winter because you can't afford scarves.
You know you're poor when you can pick up your pickup truck because you
done sold all the parts off that dang thang.
You know you grew up poor if your parents asked you what you wanted for
Christmas & you said "A firetruck!" so they just took the truck
already owned & set it on fire & gave it to you.
they didn't try to wrap that one & put it under the tree.
You know you're poor when the only reason you dye your hair is to
either absorb or deflect the sun's warmth.
You know you're poor when you go to the mail room on your lunch break
just so you can lick the envelopes for sustenance.
You know you're poor if your tires are retired.
You know you're poor when the blinker on your car just stares.
You know you're poor when instead of buying strawberry jam you buy
imitation strawberry sortacrappydubstepsong.
You know you're poor when your idea of an air freshener is to just stop
You know you're poor if you get into too much monkey business, which is
any & all monkey related business ventures.
You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever
assumes you are talking about politics.
You know you're poor that when you look for enough money to buy an air
conditioner you have to settle for either an air-junkfooder, an
air-heathrisker, or an air-baconsundae.
You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that
time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.
You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play as a
princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you
could realistically aspire to.
You know you're poor when the only basketball you've ever owned was
made out of old baskets. It bounc'd a littl' bit.
You know you're poor if the closest thing you've ever had to a mirror
is your finger nails after you ran em through your greasy hair.
You know you're poor when you have hardwood floors in your house..
because your floor is made of tipped over trees.
You know you're poor when instead of a cheese greater you've got a
You know you're poor when instead of painting your house, you sharpie
You know you're poor when you're afraid to look at billboards because
you're afraid you'll get charged for it.
You know you're poor if you've never had a birthday cake with candles
to wish upon so you go to the scene of local fires & try to
them out to make one big wish.
You know you're poor when your trash can doubles as your soup pot.
You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans
cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.
March 30, 2015
Poor Man's March - Lesson Leftovers
Rejected Lessons from Poor Man's March
You know you're poor if the
ever been to an airplane is when they were dropping off crates of food
for your people.
You know you're poor when your tricycle is a bicycle.
You know you're poor when you look for products that will help you go
bald so you can save money on haircuts.
You know you're poor when the closest you've ever been to an airport is
that hole in a manhole cover.
You know you're poor when you can't afford mustard on your sandwich
even though it is free of charge.
You are poor if on your 16th birthday instead of a car your parents got
a you a job.
You know you're poor if the only musical instrument you've ever owned
was a triangle made out of a medical syringe & a paper clip
into a passable triangle.
You know you're poor when you eat off your license plate.
You know you're poor when you save used corn cobs to use as hair
You know you're poor when your breakfast isn't fruity peddles, its just
pebbles & your teeth go "Bam! Bam!" as they break.
You know you're poor if, instead of eating fast food, you eat snails,
the slowest food there is!
You know you're poor if you eat your oranges peel & all, just
calling it natural marmalade.
You know you're poor when your cell phone is made out of radishes
because radishes have cells right?
You know you're poor when your water hose ain't nothin' but an air hose.
You know you're poor when city hall comes & condemns your bath
You know you live in a poor city when at the border the road stops
having pavement & just has a sign that says, "Meant to be
You know you're poor if the only time you've been on a golf course was
to hunt the geese there to have something to eat that night.
You know you're poor if the only meal you eat in the winter is chilly,
not chili the food but chilly the frosty air.
You know you're poor if need glasses but all you can afford is white
plastics. They don't call you 4 eyes, they call you no eyes.
You know you're poor when the only thing you can do to save more money
is to flush less.
You know you're poor when you support illiteracy campaigns because
books cost too much money.
You know you're poor when you lose weight just so your kids can give
you their clothes as hand me downs.
You know you're poor when your bed is a flower bed in your neighbor's
yard & your only blanket is the stars.
You know you're poor when you gather up the hay people decorate with in
the fall to have something to sleep on.
You know you're poor when look for open graves to sleep in because
rustled dirt is much more comfy than unrustled dirt.
You know you're poor when putting your best foot forward requires you
gettin it out of the case first.
You know you're poor when your backyard & your frontyard are
the same yard because you don't have a house on your land.
You know you're poor when you show up to JC Penny hoping to buy
whatever you want & they're like, "You're crazy." And you're
"Doesn't JC Penny stand for Jesus Christ Penny. I know Jesus I've got a
penny how come I can't have whatever I want in this store?"
You know you're poor if the only Christmas tree you've ever had was
made of twigs with pine cones tied to them using blades of grass
because you couldn't even afford tape.
You know you're poor if the way you get haircuts is by rubbin' grease
on your head & just lettin' the animals in the woods chew your
You know you're poor when you went to a school where the math books
were also history books because they were written before anyone know
what the heck math was.
You know you're poor when instead of having a toy 18 wheeler you just
had a 1 wheeler made out of a matchbox & a tainted Cheerio.
you gotta eat those untainted ones.
You know you're poor when your first box of crayons ain't got no
crayons in it, it was just a box.
You know you're poor when the only doctor you've ever seen is the one
that guesses weight at the fair.
You know you're poor when your favorite hat is a cloud.
March 21, 2015
Melody Tickled My Shadow
February 28, 2015
February is just the Tip of the Iceberg for Lesson Theme Months!
Tip of the Iceberg: "If an iceberg tells you, 'Come on in!
water is fine.' remember that temperature preference differs between
the animate & inanimate."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't wreck into me."
Tip of the Iceberg: "To boost their self-esteem whales
stopped wearing clothes so they could always be skinny dipping."
Tip of the Iceberg: "I don't like ice breakers. I'm huge why
would I like small talk?"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Simply wear a chin guard & you
are ready to ride a pretend sled."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Statistics wrought by poller bears have
a bias that is heavier than the bears themselves."
Tip of the Iceberg: "It's so cold where I live you can
literally hold your breath underwater."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Wearing snow shoes is only slightly
for crossing a bed a nails than a bed of hot coals. I suggest you use
them for neither."
Tip of the Iceberg: "In the coming centuries if you ever go
iceberg zoo, make sure to feed us iceberg lettuce to keep us from
floating violently toward you."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Not all of us Icebergs are Jewish. Some
of us just married in."
Tip of the Iceberg: "I think you're the one that's slippery."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Snow is not a good fertilizer."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can actually see the wind but since
keeps giving you & everyone else the cold shoulder mankind has
unconsciously chosen to ignore the sight of it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Ice fishing is best done with a net."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't slip on me, it tickles."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Last year I vacationed at the beach
& lost 440,000 lbs!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't play polka near ice, it is too
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you have to shave your ice cream you
shouldn't eat it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Where I come from water doesn't get ice
cold, ice gets water cold."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you don't want your snowmobile to
have an accident put a diaper on it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you think really hard while you see
breath in the arctic it will become a brief thought cloud."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't use ice cubes they are an affront
to my kind."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you're coming to see me bring some
crayons. All I ever see is white & blue!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Penguins aren't flightless birds. They
underwater. Hey whaddahya want from me? I'm an ice burg. I don't know
the vocabulary for that underwater movin' thingy."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Santa Claus used to travel by ship but I
Tip of the Iceberg: "Never trust a seal to open your mail."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can melt the entire polar ice caps
with only 9 ramen seasoning packets."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can defrost anything with sunlight
if you get close enough to the sun."
February 15, 2015
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the
Week of February 15-21, 2015
1. Wear extra shoes in case you see a person
who needs some.
2. Eat bacon on Presidents' Day in honor of all of our non-Jewish
3. Pre-buckle seatbelts so when people have to unbuckle them they have
one last reminder to buckle up.
4. Scoop the invisible poop of invisible dogs.
5. Put a megaphone next to running water at night to help the neighbors
6. Leave capes near trampolines.
7. Shave your beard & donate the hair to "Soul Patches of
February 8, 2015
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the
Week of February 8-14, 2015
1. Set out hundreds of plastic bags to catch
winter breezes, tie them up & in the summer donate them to
families in need of cooling.
2. Cut down all the trees in a neighborhood to prevent future tornado
3. Make use of your spray tanning skills by volunteering nightly at
your local seemingly abandoned bat infested castle.
4. Carry around a swear jar & put a quarter in it every time
you hear someone else swear.
5. Leave parachutes on the tops of tall buildings.
6. Paint hearts around the edges of mirrors.
7. To help your local police force trim their budget throw free
nightsticks at any officers you see passing by.
February 6, 2015
February 3, 2015
February 1, 2015
Website has been online 13 years!
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of
Kindness for the Week of February 1-7, 2015
1. Attach an inflatable birdhouse to your
kite to give birds some sky rest.
2. Light a fire with an elaborate LED display.
3. Bury treasure that won't stand the test of time like artifacts of
current technology & fashion. Bury some fake gold too just to
make that treasure hunt 400 years from now more exciting.
4. Design a word a day calendar using 365 different languages.
5. Combat banditalism by putting sneezing powder on for sale bandanas.
6. Give a horse high top horseshoes.
7. Mail snow cones to our troops in the middle east.
+=- Dust Carried to Land
I'm halfway to Mexico by now…
from Canada because that is where I live.
The McDonalds golden arches make you think of their french fries. Yeah
they make you wonder if the arches & the fries are made out of
I don't have a musical bone in my body. Yeah I have all my marrow.
I couldn't see a thing, unless black is a thing.
I resist a rest when I'm not tired.
I am out of my mind because my mind is in me.
I like to beat savages to the punch of kindness.
Salman: are you this random with everyone?
MAR: No, I haven't met everyone yet. People keep dying before I can
finish my list.
MAR: I'll just pretend you're everyone who ever lived, except me. Boy
you sure are all over the place, one minute you're Gandhiing &
minute you're Mussoliniing.
Salman: yeah, I am also being blown up and get born simultaneously
MAR: ♫♪We are the world... but mostly just you♫♪
MAR: that is not how it works my dude
Salman: "my dude" never heard that
MAR: yeah & you still haven't unless you read it aloud
Salman: I read it aloud now
Nick: I empathize with you
MAR: Me too. I empathize with me. That makes me a good person right?
I am an amalgam of cereal mascots being forced to watch paint dry in
Check briefcases for baby bears & one day you will win ah PRIZE!
I place $1,000 dollar orders all the time. I'm like "hey you, give me
January 31, 2015
The Proverbial January Lessons
The dog with the biggest bite is also the dog with the highest dentist
The road less traveled has less pot holes, unless the local hillbillies
warm their soup in it.
A buzzard without teeth & a clock with no hands are the same.
can use neither to tell time. That is unless they are both wearing
A puzzle with 6-14 pieces missing is like a car missing its engine.
Unless you've ever driven a car, in which case the comparison is
The road less traveled enunciates "quaff" no better than the motorway
covered in marmalade.
You can't teach a fish to juggle cheese whiz but you can teach an elk
how to limp.
A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very
very VERY hungry.
An ambitious person without wings can fly just as high as a lazy bird
that has no wings.
Sometimes the smallest people have the biggest hearts so shorties, go
get that checked out by your doctor.
One bad apple spoils the whole bunch but the whole bunch, left uneaten,
spoils together. So eat a whole bunch!
The weasel with the longest tail is easier stepped upon than the
Some people are best left alone & those people are already
One man's rainbow is another man's "I'm not sure what you call it but
it sure looks cool."
Money can't buy you contentment but it can buy you a gorilla that jogs
in place.. if you're willing to shop around for a while.
The man with 7 houses does not have more to be thankful for than the
man with one. Or is that the other way around?
The bigger the pillow, the more oblivious we are to the ostrich behind
The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over
Those who always keep their chin up will likely be scared of their own
A blister earned by hard work is far sweeter than a blister covered in
motor oil & chalk dust.
Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
You can teach a deaf man's parrot to talk, but.. why?
A child with a stick of butter is more powerful than imaginary ocelot
The light at the end of the tunnel is always brighter than the light in
the trunk while it's closed.
A wise man does not build his house on hairy ice but a wise man does
stock his house with quality Ronco® products.
The smallest pebble can be thrown but the largest rock cannot be
lifted. So in the end the tiny pebble makes the bigger splash. Likewise
the smaller Cheeto dissolves in Mellow Yellow slower than the larger
A pilot can steer the plane but the passenger doesn't have to.
People with their eyes closed cannot see the the glass as half full but
they can still drink out of it.
Teach a kid to catch a football & he could become a
millionaire. Teach a kid to juggle & he may never earn a cent.
The man who feels enslaved to his shoe strings needs to look up what
the word "enslaved" means.
Whoever has the most gold doesn't win in the end but he sure can fix a
lot of games while he's still around.
January 25, 2015
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the
Week of January 25-31, 2015
1. Put some candles on the ground at night so
the falling snow can avoid falling on something that will injure it.
2. Use diced tomatoes as dice.
3. Break your poor friend's phone, laptop, or camera so they can
finally justify an upgrade.
4. Save the world a wreck by not driving your motor vehicle for 17.9
years because statistically that is how often the average person has a
5. Tear a constipated person a new one.
6. Get a jump start on daylights saving time by setting all of the
clocks at your work forward.
7. Crash birthday parties everyday to blow out the candles. Soon you'll
have enough wish power to bring world peace.
January 18, 2015
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the
Week of January 18-24, 2015
1. Start a beard farm but don't use fertilizer.
2. Sweet talk a bitter person until they become palatable.
3. Put googly eyes & mini-scarfs on stapler removers so they
look less menacing.
4. Learn to juggle wads of gum.
5. Use chicken fingers to accuse people.. of being hungry.
6. At your local grocer replace the innards of "I Can't Believe It's
Not Butter!®" containers with Swiss cottage cheese so some people can
finally believe it's not butter!
7. Invite your friends on a staycation inside a wanted criminal's trunk.
January 11, 2015
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the
Week of January 11-17, 2015
1. Sell decorated lizard tails to bobcats.
2. Stop refurbishing used caskets.
3. Body paint a blind person so they can finally experience art.
4. Go on a shopping spree for that special arachnid in your life.
5. If you are a homeowner invite the neighborhood kids over to write on
6. Buy a feather pillow then hire a forensics team to help you get the
bird's remains back to his or her family.
7. Forget about angel food cake & try to make authentic angel
January 7, 2015
January 4, 2015
Piemerica's 7 Random Acts of Kindness for the
Week of January 4-10, 2015
1. Regurgitate those puzzle pieces you've been
eating out of spite.
2. Mail a traffic cone.
3. Counsel a wounded animal. A lot of them have parental abandonment
4. Share your magic wand during lunch break.
5. Buy some hot wings & give them to an unattractive chicken.
6. Go to your doctor for a checkup.. on how he's doin'.
7. Donate a buttock to someone who tragically lma'od'ed.