Saturday, December 31, 2016

Don'tcember Lessons🎓

Don’t throw your hands in the air, because you’ll have nothing to catch them with.

Don’t put a screen door on a submarine or a regular marine.

Don’t put your elbow in hot water. It won’t turn into macaroni.

Don’t paint your trees orange, just wait til fall.

Don’t try to wring out concrete after rain.

Don't choose the "career path" of mime narrator for the blind.

Don’t be Phobos phobic.

Don’t use hot sauce to water your pepper garden, that’s cruel.

Don’t buy used saran wrap.

Don’t milk your chickens until after the magical fairy turns them into cows.

Don't refill your squirt pistol at a bank's water fountain.

Don’t sleep with your hair in blender because people prefer to make shakes in the morning & you might have to wake up earlier.

Don't go out skipping stones on water.. that's in a glass.

Don't be as quick & clean & efficient as an underwater catapult catapulting loose mayonnaise.

Don't use hamburger buns as spanx, people will think you don't digest gluten so well.

Don't dunk your dimples in dip because one for each cheek is a double dip.

Don’t spike the football after a touchdown, spike a volleyball, it is way cooler. And people will be like, “Where was he hiding that volleyball?” Clue: Hide a pump in your pants over your shins, hide the deflated ball in your pants over your buttocks.

Don’t keep your extra oars chained to the bottom of the ocean.

Don't legally change your name to Collingston Fakesworth III. No one will believe you, not even me, and I gave you the idea for the name.

Dream bigger, don't settle for a solid gold house, get a liquid gold house. It is way more expensive to obtain, maintain, contain, & all the other tains.

Don’t bring snowballs to a fireball fight, in fact just stay away from fireball fights all together.

Don’t hug a car while it’s moving, unless what it's moving is your heart.

Don’t buy a real snow man at a Christmas tree lot unless you live on the same street as the lot.

Christmas Eve is like Halloween night for burglers, they get to go house to house & eat the cookies you leave for Christmas Jones.

Don't decorate your bathroom rug with Christmas lights.

Don't throw out your Christmas trash, instead burn it & sell it on Ash Wednesday. Christmas ash is extra holy.

Don’t choke a lemon or you’ll get citric acid in your eye.

Don’t recycle mouthwash in your commune.

Cars, don't drink & drive. You should only drink gas while stationary.

Don't trust people who claim to be tolerant by saying, "I don't see color" because that means they only see in black & white.

Don't crush a can on your head.. unless it's an aluminum can.

2016 Lesson Leftovers

December Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you wind for helping me keep a cool head.

Thank you coat for warming my heart.

Thank you Christmas for keeping my mind on the present.

Thank you toast for keeping my feet toasty when I wear you as shoes.

December Think About it Thursdays

Chicken bones? What do bones have to be afraid of?

Which inanimate object would you be least concerned to find in your soup?

Who would you rather see locked in a zoo, your uncle or a monkey's uncle?
Would you rather break your neck or neck your break?

What were your 7 favorite Thursdays of the year?

December Friday's Feelings

I feel like a mop made of spaghetti & a bread stick handle mopping up marinara. I also feel like eating that mop afterwards.

I feel like an envelope filled with Monopoly cash being slipped under the kitchen table as a bribe.

I feel like a black cardboard cutout laid on the floor as a shadow for another cardboard cutout.

I feel like Street Nicholas having his resume mistaken for Saint Nicholas’ again!

I feel like the color blue trying to rebrand its image to make lots of green like green has.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Winter Wishes

I wish I could command ants to gather all the crumbs I spill & combine them into an annual treat.

I wish corn had a clearer hierarchy; all of them being colonels makes it really hard to know who’s in charge.

I wish chandeliers were instead light up piñatas so people would celebrate every time I break a chandelier.

I wish all carpets were magic carpets so I could fly around in my living room.

Dropping the mic is cool & dropping an album is great but I wish dropping non-musical things was as cool as dropping musical things. I drop my keys, BOOM, it’s an awesome legendary moment. I drop mustard on my shirt, people around me go nuts at the hypeness of my droppage, ooh-ing & hooping & hooting & "Oh no he didn’t!"-ing.

I wish I could add Kool-Aid to clouds to color them & make it rain tasty rain.

I wish tricking someone into saying “cabbage” was a secret weapon that caused them to stutter cababababababababaababab.. for the rest of their lives.

I wish lice were edible so we could feed the world by just arubbin noggins tegeth’r.

I wish for all bombs to be tossed into the sea, to kill that stupid aquatic life.

I wish people would say, “Amen” after saying, “God Bless you.”

I wish I could invade dog owners’ personal space the way their dog invades mine so they’ll understand why I don’t like dogs.

I wish other holidays were like Halloween so we could go door to door to get free meats & stuffings & miscellaneous yummies.

I wish all trees would live stream so we could find out if a tree falling in the woods makes a sound or if it is just the one tree, Shy Ricky, who doesn't make the sound.

I wish I could shake some cents into my piggy bank but the darn tharng is stuck.

I wish New Year's Day was New Years' Day so we could choose which year we want or even experience the illusive & illusory Vodlektilum EncoÜrg where 2 years are experienced simultaneously.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Back in my Christmas Eve day the mayor would catapult reindeer across town to help rich families believe in Santa & to give poor families free reindeer meat for January.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Keep On Truckin' and...

Keep On Truckin'
Keep on Armored Carin'
Keep on Automobilein'
Keep on Hang Glidingin'
Keep on Mid-size Sports Utility Vehiclein'
Keep on Hovercraftn'
Keep on Teacup Riden'
Keep on Magic Carpetin'
Keep on Falkorn'
Keep on Airforce Onein'
Keep on Tankin'
Keep on Soap Box Racerin'
Keep on Busin'
Keep on Ambulancein'
Keep on Battleshipin'
Keep on Biplanein'
Keep on Blimpin'
Keep on Chariotin'
Keep on Chopperin'
Keep on Wagonin'
Keep on Eighteen-wheelerin'
Keep on Elevatorin'
Keep on Escalatorin'
Keep on Fire Enginein'
Keep on Four-Door Sedanin'
Keep on Freighterin'
Keep on Frigatein'
Keep on Gondolain'
Keep on Harvesterin'
Keep on Hearsein'
Keep on Houseboatin'
Keep on Jalopyin'
Keep on Jumbo jetin'
Keep on Stretch Limoin'
Keep on Locomotivein'
Keep on Ocean Linerin'
Keep on Oil Tankerin'
Keep on Rickshawin'
Keep on Segwayin'
Keep on Semiin'
Keep on Ski Liftin'
Keep on Submersiblein'
Keep on Thresherin'
Keep on Tractor-trailerin'
Keep on Tramin'
Keep on Tricyclin'
Keep on Trolleyin'
Keep on Vanin'
Keep on Vespain'
Keep on Vesselin'
Keep on Yachtin'
Keep on Zamboniin'
Keep on Zeppelinin'

+=- Octomop Replacement Savages

Ice pipe walking into news silo. Home grasp cat a tropic funnel breeze order. A land of W sandwiches, which is made of sand? Sand is made of which? Behaving salad coaching in Allisonsota. Muggers caught on camera mugging at mugs then stealing their cocoa. I'lll alllow this map to grow with undying privllledges.

A tripping hedge. Pee-wee's living speed bumps. Cowcats on the range. Stop cooking those beef kitties! The tree was angry that it couldn't get a job at the post office, all the jobs were taken by humans. All that paper was creepy too.

I'm not buying a pair of keet unless it's BOGO.

If night time were a camp we'd all follow mugger's luggage rules.
..the number 4, the one after 3 & waaay before 196.2
If eggs had scabs would you eat them?
What other kind of preference is there other than a personal preference? One imposed by the state?

Wrist watches with hair pieces. Shoulder watches with a full hair.

Real wreath running rippingly reminder chalice. Disclairity for daytime series of golf ledge ocean wishing engines. This is not a downtown hat.

Frozen toast identifies as windows.
Laughing mask doesn't make a sound.
Amazing numbers are free to flourish unnamed, all named with no end.
Megascule tightening air in outerspace.
Dumbo eating gumbo talking mumbo jumbo while watching Columbo.
All lightning banks burn down.
Skiing on slopes of light.
Mocking ultracabbage friendships.
Parachute gun.
Typing "ladder"
Reorganized tray of smooth round rock shaped ice.
Silk mobile caption.
Pilgrimage keys swirling dynastic overage.
Who walks well known tree skirts?

Scissor panicking about tarp. Underwater violinist. Drowning honey. Octomop replacement savages. Pair or scope raveling chair minus huge limbo stick raining cabbage juice simulat. Copy that. Paste that. W shivvers. Nonogon smelt deity lunch rafters barn bowling scepter Schlumpm Schlump, Katool! Abridged squint sloshing. Dogs barking at notches in coat. Symbolgy garish heirmisalignedloom shadow kibble unjust borrowing knickers. No one tries bumping butterfly caskets off of noctobreakfast canuck nooks. Manually hunting to establish a desired average sized bowl of bug cereal. Tyrannosaurs blessed. Extinguished coal breadth. Neight. Dust is watching. Dust is waiting. Dust has given up on the mission.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

+=- All my clocks on a bridge

"Your Password needs to be at least 6 characters."
Ok um let’s see.. Wilbur Cobb, President Millard, Karnov, FedEx Pope, Royce McCutcheon, Dorf plays golf, NOT Dorf goes fishing, that is not the same Dorf I grew up with…

[In a Metropolis Chatroom]:  It doesn't matter if you've never seen Clark Kent & Superman at the same time. I've never seen you & me at the same time either! That doesn't mean we're the same person!
Of course I know what I'm doing. I was doing this back when you were in diapers! Because you dressed as a baby on Halloween 2016.

Does anyone hold the world record for most editions of the Guinness Book of World Records read in one day? & yeah I know if I went for the record I'd find out!

All my clocks were made in Mexico. So in November when they told me to set my clocks back I thought they meant vote for Trump.

I met this guy who had his hand over his heart & thought, "That gentleman really love America." Turns out he was having a heart attack. But I like to think it was both.

Love doesn't make sense. Love is better than cents it's dollars.

I take people personally & rocks rocksonally.

Video I don’t have the time, strength, friends, or money to make:
A medieval monk dramatically drowning a cabbage where both the monk & cabbage wear googly eyes & ‘ot 6 mustaches

Why does this bathroom always smell like crap? Oh right

He was always afraid I'd steal his car. So I figured why let those fears go to waste. Being afraid is half the misery, so why not go through with it, officer.

Danger Level (lowest to highest):
• Falling on a bridge
• Falling off a bridge
• Falling through a bridge
• Falling up from a bridge into outer space
• Falling up through a bridge into outer space
• Falling up through a bridge into outer space but also hitting an aeroplane on the way up
• A large meteor hits an aeroplane & then hits you after you fell through a bridge
• Falling through a bridge as a meteor hurdles towards you then gravity reverses & you fall up through the bridge again as you begin burning in the atmosphere gravity reverses again & the meteor follows you down through the bridge

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

No.vember Lessons🎓

Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration, & 50% being good at math.

If your steam powered motor device has manual backup power you can run out of steam twice.

Using a yardstick to measure campfire height causes it to become kindling.

4 has a 2 2.

There is no 5 second rule in space because nothing ever falls on the floor.

A picture is worth a 1000 words but a picture of 1000 words is worth 6000 words, because synonyms.

If you juggle trashcans do it with the lids on so the 7 dwarves won’t escape.

It's all fun & games until someone gets hurt. Then it's 8 minutes of hushed silence while someone is carried off the field. Then it's all fun & games again.

9 out of 10 dentists recommend giving into peer pressure.

Countdowns predictably always end at 1. Countups however hold the mystery & tension of potentially going on forever.

Turning it up to 11 is cool but clocks turn it up to 12 TWICE A DAY. CLOCKS ROCK!

If you run out of time you’ve run too fast

Bill collectors have due diligence.

Cash registers… and so does being broke.

Turn any ordinary kitchen table into a multiplication table by using it for conception.

A half a candle is still a candle. A half an orange is still an orange but half a ball is not a ball at all.

There are 17 ounces in a baker's fluid pound, and 201 years in a baker's bicentennial.
Additionally bakers refuse to vote until they turn 19. A boxer who is also a baker fight 1lb about his weight class. Bakeries frame their 1st 2 dollars made, and bakers' cats have 10 lives

The number 18 is the one after 17 & waaay before 1,496.2.

If you're ever chased by 19 goats with sticks, it's probably a dream. Your aspirations are admirable.

The best favorite number is or is an anagram of 9,876,543,210.

The reason it's harder to remember things when you're older is that you have to remember your age & bigger numbers take up more space in your brain.

Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"

You are 23 times more likely to be swallowed by a whale than swallowed by a bug. #FakeMathIsFun And if you try to swallow a swallow you're gonna choke! #ChokingIsNotFun #LearnTheHeimleich #LearnHowToSpellHeimlichCorrectly

Make a list of 24 reasons you're thankful for days being 24 hours long. If it takes you 25 or more hours to complete the list, throw it away in frustration.

If your bowling ball suddenly has more than 3 holes it was abducted by aliens.

The time to visit online forums is when you've said four "ums" about a subject.

Don’t hand out cabbage coupons at the hardware store.

If you can draw a sausage that means it's still alive!

If you refuse to acknowledge leap day instead subtract 1 second from every 30 minutes of everyday for 4 years.

Scientists did in fact invent a gigantisizing ray but linguists kept it from seeing public light because they couldn't reach a consensus on what to call a gigantisized inchworm.

November Selfesque Sundays

I've got a good memory. I'm great at remembering th.. th.. th.. how does the rest of that word go?

I don't know about you but I don't like to claim I know what others know.

I have serious allergies. I try to tell my sneezes jokes & they won’t have it.

November Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you beef for never chickening out on me.

Thank you ground for being there to catch me when I fall.

Thank you drive thrus for always listening to me, except between the hours of 11 PM-6AM. Hours vary. Consult your local fast food door for details.

Thank you heptagon for not being a square.

Thank you shoes for walking out on me.

Thank you wrist ligaments for holding my hand.

November Think About it Thursdays

If it's not a fun fact then how do you know it?

Why do you refuse to use refried beans in your bean bag chair?

If you found a lost oven out in the cold would you find a warm outlet for it to plug into?

Some? Alla ya? C’mon, which one is it Somalia!?

November Friday's Feelings

I feel like a ghost that can't fly or swim stuck in a row boat.

I feel like a bean bag chair filled with cooked rigatoni instead.

I feel like a lunchbox made out of stone filled with loose pudding & locked sandwiches.

I feel like a catapult dangerously pulting rotisserie blue whale over the border into a hungry nation.
Well Aware
When I'm in Delaware
I use my silverware
To eat from tupperware
I wear my dinner ware
I don't get thinner there
I sit in my chair
& I say a prayer
When I'm in Delaware

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Piemerican Phonetic Numerals

A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo… the phonetic alphabet is helpful for understanding what letters are being verbally conveyed. To close out No.vember, I present such a system that I have devised for numbers!

0 as in Oh no, please no! Why!? #ElectionNight2016
1 as in One Night Stand, that boring "magic trick" David Blaine did where he just stood up all night.
2 as in Too Legit to Quit
3 as in 3 Men and a Baby
4 as in Forthright
5 as in 5 dollar bill, y'know the one with Lincoln on it. The one made out of paper.
6 as in 666, because if you say it 3 times it's obvious you're saying six
7 as in 7 fingers
8 as in I just ate an eight
9 as in No
10 as in 2
11 as in the number that rhymes with seven that isn't .7
12 as in a non-baker's dozen
13 as in T Minus 13 seconds
14 as in a teen that is also a fort
15 as in 9+5-6÷8x42-26.4-.7+.1
16 as in "16! She said she was 18, I swear!"
17 as in the front half of the Titanic
18 as in "Congratulations you're old enough to no longer need my help clarifying number pronunciations!"
19 as in the age of your mother's new boyfriend, no not that one, the other one, yeah Francisco, no no, Francisco L., ok just forget it! I'm not getting into middle initials!
20 as in XX
21 as in the past tense of "20 wins!"
22 as in twenty also
23 as in the reason you quit your job at the daycare, twenty 3 year olds
24 as in 24 Seven, the guy named Seven who wears #24 in that popular sports club
25 as in draw and quarter
26 as in 2016 without the teen
27 as in 5 high fives & 1 high two
28 asa ina 28a incha suba sandwicha
29 as in "29 dollars! I could get this for half that price online! Ah but then you have to wait for the shipping. Ugh, alright, I'll take it, but I'm not happy. Look deep into my scowl & remember this before you go to sleep at night!"
30 as in 4/8 an hour
31 as in when you say, "Bear with me" to someone & they say, "Hey Boo-Boo!" then the number of seconds it takes you to remember what Boo-Boo's voice sounds like.

Monday, November 28, 2016

They can put a man on the moon, but they can't film a decent moon landing hoax.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Weigh It Wednesday

World War III
Pessimistic view: @#☼% it's World War III!!!
Optimistic view: If we survive this war, it's gonna make for some awesome movies & video games.

Monday, October 31, 2016

Oddtober III Lessons🎓

You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not being able to find good jobs in this economy.

You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs exact change for a ransom.

You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.

You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced bread was invented to sell toasters

It is weird to equate burying chicken bones to zombie chicken farming.

You are weird if you set up a neighborhood watch that neighbors can sign out if they want to wear it.

You are weird if you feed your hippo boxes of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

It is weirder to take the finger than it is to give the finger, unless you’re a sharp toothed beast that doesn’t have fingers.

You are weird if you've ever received death threats.. offline.

You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way out if you ever go under house arrest.

You are weird if you think pastrami can substitute for deodorant.

Being dressed by a team of monkeys isn’t as weird as being addressed by a team of monkeys.

You are weird if your favorite flavored floss is habanero.

You are weird if you walk your dog.. into a swimming pool full of marshmallows skewered on cacti.

You are weird if you think clouds rarely drop rain because most of the time the cloud throws it up hoping it will fly into outerspace.

You are weird if you think leaf laden areas with “No Raking” signs have catapults hidden in them.. or maybe you're onto something there.

You are weird if your two person Halloween costume is you dressed as a steaming hot bowl of edible soup & the other person as a spoon in said soup.

Watching a documentary on shelf life isn’t as weird as watching a documentary on the life of a shelf.

Taking a milk blot test is weird but crying over a milk blot test is weirder.

It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.

You are weird if you have skeletons in your closet because you're hoping to start a museum.

You are weird if you use the hands of an analog clock as a very very lazy susan for single grains of rice.

You are weird if you feed the homeless but only so you can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.

You are weird if you say you run marathons, but in reality you've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.

You are weird if you demand your pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox because it's easier to get them syrupy.

You are weird if you like to leave letters addressed to your mailman in your mailbox just so he knows you know where he lives too.

You are weird if you befriend vegans just so you can say "where's the beef?" more often.

You are weird if you say things like, "the cactus doesn't fall far from the guy who was carrying the cactus," & "Don't worry, because this will be brief, Canadian luau brief."

Overusing the word figuratively is literally weirder than overusing the word literally. "Chicken soup is figuratively my favorite food, figuratively!" "Be careful with that! You could figuratively knock your teeth out!"

You are weird if you use spider webs to create the illusion of floating confetti.

You are weird if your job is to help chickens cross roads without asking no questions.

Selfesque Sunday October

My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it is still loading.

Good luck staying literate. I forget how to read all the time.

Gram crackers don’t fill me up.

A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a tongue.

October Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you car for regularly moving my heart.

Thank you sticky bullet belt for sticking a round.

Thank you colonoscope for touching me deeply.

Thank you nerves for understanding my feelings.

October Think About it Thursday

Which is your favorite color of milk, white or off-white?

Which inanimate object would you give a ticklish property to?

If today were your last day on earth.. would you still wear shoes?

What is the tallest tree you've ever smeared in artificial hippo blood?

October Friday's Feelings

I feel like giving a swordfish a greeting card that is shaped like a shield.

I feel like getting a hair cut just to warn the others of my upcoming haircut.

I feel like rowboats get a bad wrap at Christmas time.

I feel like firing my writer & hiring my left hand because he works for less pay.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Piemerica's 18th Anniversary
I Will Live in The Disappear
How many balloons must I drop… into the air?
How many tables must I stop, from turning infinite years?
How many clocks must wear cloaks to soothe my tired ears?
The world keeps turning, it over turns
And I will live in the disappear

Invisible silence
Lonely sound
The new sound of silence
The unfound profound
After I've known you all
Still an empty room
Why can't we both be tall?
I notice you
I know this too
Hidden truth

And I will live in the disappear
The world keeps turning, it over turns
Dropping my thoughts into the air
Watching them burst with no recoil
I dye a lot, so many colors, a beggar's truce

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

I Trusts Rap
Let's banter about complex simple & grantor
Moving through the forms like a panther
Distributing to the beneficiary
This might be October but it's not scary
The information worksheet is fiduciary
Want more information check the library
Or ask us a question since we're done
Please don't run

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Text Review of Shinobi on 3DS

Monday, October 17, 2016

The Bee's Expertise
I'm a worker bee come on & twerk with me
Put your stinger in the air like you don't care
If it hits them in the eye or the derriere
I'm a worker bee come on & twerk with me..

Saturday, October 15, 2016

The darkened Reality of Real-Estate section updated

New, properly cropped, comic scans. Songs from soundtrack play on each episode's page. Full series PDF availble in original formatting.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Number Lumber
If you can't rhyme with one, ya done
If you can't rhyme with two, your through
If you can't rhyme with three, gee
If you can't rhyme with four, you're a bore
If you can't rhyme with five, you're not alive
If you can't rhyme with six, shine my kicks
If you can't rhyme with seven, skip to eleven
If you can't rhyme with eight, wash my plate
If you can't rhyme with nine, you're not fine
If you can't rhyme with ten, start again
If you can't rhyme with eleven, see seven

Saturday, October 8, 2016

Comics section updated💢

Added Pages for Piemericomic, Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans, & Bitstrips

Does anyone else remember that time when cobras broke into existence & kept existin forever?

Friday, October 7, 2017

MAD Caption Contest Entry

Monday, October 3, 2016

Back in my day you could answer the phone by saying, “This phone is off the hook!!”

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Yule, action comic from 1997💢

In a post-apocalyptic world, Yule seeks revenge on a evil gang of biker ninjas. Created as a page a week series by Wiscers Comics in 1997.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Sundrycember III🎓

Your birthday suit is a space suit made out of space.

Don’t settle for polyester candy.

Pollution wishes it could be friends with real clouds.

If you have a mixed bag it probably wasn’t mixed by stirring.

The real reason people used to work hard all day was because their furniture sucked. People haven't become lazier we just got La-Z-Boys so we can enjoy the greater joy in life.

The left side of your brain wonders if you will ever return to find it in this lost & found.

I've got a 4 year old that used a 4 finger discount on my heart.

If red carpets became famous, it would be cruel of them to walk the red carpet.

Don’t make your islands out of toast, they will get soggy & sink.

Unlike automatic stuttering, manual stuttering is rude.

The invisible boxes that mimes are easily trapped in will open if the mime speaks.

A search party is very inconsiderate unless it is later followed by a found party.

You can’t smudge fire.

If you can’t deal it be because of an ordeal.

The unsuccessful precursor to roller skates was toe trucks. The problem with them is that they couldn’t tow the rest of the foot

The color green appears in all the great movies from the past 50 years that is why it is allowed to be the color of money, because it is so rich from being a movie star.

It’s not advisable to verbally impersonate Frankenstein’s Monster on a phone call without prior warning.

When is something actually more than you can shake a stick at? When it is something that engulfs you.

A stone cold ice cube melts feverously.

The only thing people will cheer while dancing on a grave is a bear.

If you believe in a flat earth, maps are also globes.

Owning a moon rock is only good if you don’t get the rock as a result of the moon exploding.

Hopping in the pool is slowest & lowest form of hopping.

Halt words lead to passwords.

The title of an undertaker for a graveyard of drowning victims is an afterlifeguard.

Lesson Mania Week
No one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal reasons.

To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.

It’s a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped with Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on Playstation 4 & Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.

When you walk into a room & smell pickles but don’t see any pickles say, “Who’s been having an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”

Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.

There are no invisible shadows.

Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.

Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off so do your feet.

Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.

Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a baby’s health.

Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo you.

You think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.

A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was on sale, especially 1999.

Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3 seconds.

When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count as an inheritance.

September Selfesque Sundays

If wearing the pants in the family is such a big deal, how come wearing pants at work doesn’t make me the boss there?

I feel like there is a market for dog chairs because I walked by a market with all these little chairs with cartoons on them & I don’t know what else would fit into them. Oh, maybe those are chairs for kids. No, not goats, human children.

I'm a weird o. I'm sort of shaped like an O but there's no hole in my middle.

I like a nice crab cake, those mean ones are always trying to choke me when I eat them.

September Monday Night Memories

Back in my day there weren’t any ghosts because nobody had died yet. The 1st guy that became a ghost surprised & scared us so bad that he vowed to make all future ghosts uphold the ghost code, “To never to appear to the living.”

Back in my day the only tablets we read were the loose ones in the medicine cabinet.

Back in my day the only servers people wanted to connect to worked at restaurants.

Back in my day the only person who would load web sites was Spiderman.

September Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you eyes for seeing things from my point of view.

Thank you red marker for never making me feel blue.

Thank you elbow for giving me some body to lean on.

Thank you GPS for pointing me in the right direction.

September Weigh It Wednesdays

I lost my swimming hammer!
Pessimist View: That thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea; you’ll never get it back.
Optimist View: It’s a good thing that hammer can swim, it’ll make it to shore in no time!

The power went out while I was juggling knives indoors.
Optimistic View: So what, I’m blindfolded.
Pessimistic View: I can’t juggle the electric knives without the sound!

My toaster is missing.
Pessimist View: It was stolen!
Optimist View: Cool! I wish I had a toaster with an invisibility button. I’d be cracking up while people are like, “Where’s that toast smell coming from?” AND I could hide my 2 pieces of emergency bread in there instead of having to carry them in my shoes!

September Think About it Thursdays

Which is your favorite non-fictional ninja turtle move, the disappearing reverse punch or the disappearing reverse kick?

Can I borrow your inflatable pool abacus?

What food do you use as the head of your Spoontopus?

What was your most cherished childhood test?

If you could remove any 7 colors from the rainbow which ones would you keep?

September Friday's Feelings

I feel like a buoyant rock enjoying the sunshine.

I feel like tripping on an invisible stoop.

I feel like wearing sunglasses made of ice cheese.

I feel like high "fiveing" a hand saw but not so hard that I can only high four afterwards.

I feel like eating pancakes on the moon.

September Memba Whens

Does anyone else remember that week when go carts were called stop carts because they went on strike?

Does anyone else remember the chicken that laid the golden eggs & its chicks that were made into chicken gold nuggets?

Does anyone else remember when tacos could walk the streets in peace without being eaten?

Does anyone else remember when everybody had four legs except for the other half of everybody who had no legs?

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

+=- No tastetrack in sub-mid-air (with artificial nodding)💖

A Puckett Noctobadge keeps cops from sleeping. The new homing pie finds your face when you’re hungry. Fire pauses ellipses fractals in undersky moons.

Desks & crime scissors vaccinate hollow varnish tomatoes. My disfavorite outgredient. No Noam gnomes need nacho neglect. Staleness. Can clown cars be made into mobile homes? Alphabet soup & soggy crosswords. Night knives glow in the lard & in the dark & in the Shockolate® lard. RR R&R. No sound costumes. Lips with ingrained vocal boxes aren’t room temp with whistling. Lean on water. Tear or? Tear or? Six sheathes buttering.

Walk mix level, rovering. Cardboard marching band loses tension while marching through pond & dismusically float away with no tastetrack. Open umbrella in an envelope doesn’t keep the envelope dry. Dry water far out of a wheelbarrow, in sub-mid-air, then below-air & above-air.

Owning the wrong half of the world’s Velcro with Fabrishe elbow juggling. An evening stroll through trip wire. Rowing down the window on the row boat. Your diaper vest will drown you. A pair of cawing lumber. Left finger on right hand. Right finger on left hand. No with no oh, a no oh no.

Calmerness float flop spiral general. Uninitiated mop who made ground envelopes nervous. My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it’s still loading. A face fire nudge loner-lapsed. Nomenclature barrage!! The Tearer Terror rips things up & down! He even rips sideways if you anger him by nanana looping forced texture fields. A buyer of not hovers; claws waverly bundling, not arms, not eyes.

A van of sauce crashes into spaghetti canyon. A helicopter with noodle blades crashes too. The crashing cooks it. Fire roasted tomatoes!

The sun rises over Cabbage Mtn & things begin to smell.

Freeze dried then fire wetted caramel broccoli. Artificial nodding. Cousin bird in the wrong tree. Periscope knives in 3D.
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a tongue.
3 knights in the jungle, at least they have shade.
Tremulant anti-voxel diatribe spork. The Leaping Nudge. Overalls made of long johns.

Plastallic mitten salad or am I eating without a fork?
Envelope carcass.

Putting crayons in an envelope into the summer mail to create abstract art.
I’m not banging my head but I’m falling down as if I were.
Why doesn't Roomba make a moebile mop like the ones in Fantasia?
You look like you fold capital Hs real well.

Elk running towards backwards. A 9 collar rack of pugilist scarves. A frosted bark team acknowledged druthersless microphones. Kneeling while pushing a shopping cart to curry favor & buggy curry. Owl runs in putty. Walking camera in desert make of toaster-leave-ins. Wonder peel night kelp. Cookabur floating in a bubble. Height light spanning chili operas.

Washing needles, deep pool is a portal. Water wings nosh. Buried satellite in space. Being private to ourselves. Loose leaf soap. Tinsel toothbrush. Off duty mop. Nudging wiggles. Terraformed clock.

No one in the barn, just threes here. I wish you well because bottled water is ecch! I hope you keep 5 numbers in your back pocket & none of them are 5. Carrots in the fridge as decorations. Weather stripping mall. Spell your middle initial starting with the 3rd letter. The boring bowling ball in the wind.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

New MARS Release, How long is now?🌑

Friday, September 23, 2016

Clipart Commentary IX🎥

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Animal August Lessons🎓

Which came first the chicken or the egg? They both came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.

Survival tip: Any animal who runs from you as you hold up BBQ sauce is edible.

Whale owners would have the best pools if they’d get those dumb whales out of there so we’d have room for a swim.

Lemmings would seem less dumb if they wore falcon hoods.

Clams are a terrible pillow stuffing.

Crabs shrunken by wizards don’t use pasta as shells because no one wants to live inside a wet noodle.

It is difficult to think on the fly without squishing the fly but it is still safer than thinking on the bee with no shoes.

Feather dusters are actually only meant to be used on knick knack birds.

If you teach a man to fish make sure he doesn't live in the desert.

The best place to abandon your pets is a petting zoo.

A live hornet burrito not be the spiciest food but eating it makes your mouth hurt more than the hottest of pepperdas.

Earthworms are actually the only native Martians.

Dried snails taste great with snail sauce, improves the texture too.

People differ regarding their opinion of scapegoats but everyone agrees that fire escape goats just get in the way & needlessly cost humanity millions of lives each night.

The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.

Ants are army, farmy, & red alarmy.

Dogs are man's best friend because dogs can't talk.

Save money on dog food by having a drone walk your dog to eat out of other dog’s bowls.

If you’re throwing a birthday party for a shark, throw it into the sea.

Stop building memorial tombstones for roadkill with fake human names & putting them into graveyards. I wreck into several dozen oversized ones each day.

Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.

If your fish dies stick a toothpick tree into his belly to create Deadfish Island.

During the next Shark Week all board games will allow shark pieces that can eat other players.

The reasons humans are the top of the food chain is because we are the only ones who can craft chains or espouse hierarchies.

A bear skin ceiling fan catches even more dust.

Bald eagles aren’t endangered, there are just a lot of them that fool us by wearing awesome toupees.

Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.

In every zoo the animals fight to the death nightly in a tournament until there is only one left. There are caged animals below the zoo that get released into the exhibits every morning to replace the old ones.

Evening lightning bugs are bugs of no storm.

Flamingos always dress as plastic flamingos for Halloween. Or do they?

To people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold poor people there are in Antartica? None! You gotta be rich to go to Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!

August Selfesque Sundays

I enjoy long walks on the beach because the footprints make it easy to find my way back.

My trench is always too big for a trench coat to fit it. Stupid Hollywood sizes discriminating against extra large all American trenches.

I'm ninety-nine percent sure that no one is ever a hundred percent sure.

My spellchecker keeps trying to get me to stop spelling Fwiday with a W. Wwell screww it! I lovve douuble Uu’s.

August Monday Night Memories

Back in my day the only high definition we had was the definition of high in the dictionary.

Back in my day the only pokémon you could catch was a Jamaican cactus & nobody wanted to catch that!

Back in my day people hoarded trading cards.

Back in my day men & women knew their place.. earth. Then the astronauts came along..

Back in my day the only time we said 2016 was when answering the question, “How many pounds are in a ton, & how many ounces are in a pound?” “2000! 16!”

Back in my day restaurants would not only sing to you on your birthday but also on your half birthday & even your 1/12 birthday if you requested it. Sadly the “Happy 1/12 Birthday” song is as lost as the years of our lives, only a memory to those who still know how to sing it & have written down the sheet music to it & have uploaded their performance of it to YouTube.

August Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you stairs for giving me the necessary steps to take.

Thank you blood for touching my heart.

Thank you barricades for keeping me on the right path.

Thank you gravity for keeping me grounded.

Thank you neck muscles for keeping my chin up.

August Weigh It Wednesdays

I dropped a piece of candy & can't(dy) find it!
Pessimistic View:  The 5 second rule doesn't use Venusian seconds.
Optimistic View:  Lost loose candy is the only kind of candy God allows angels to eat.

The fork ran away with the spoon
Optimistic View:  Time for corndogs!
Pessimistic View:  If I can't catch a fork & spoon I'm really out of shape!

Your heart feels heavy
Pessimistic View: I feel sad.
Optimistic View: I feel like donating blood!

Your Sandwich was stolen
Pessimistic View: Oh great, now I need 2 heroes.
Optimisticer View: Good, because I can stand to lose some weight, too bad it'll mostly be water weight from crying. Ooh-hohohoho! *blows nose*

You found the dead body of a mafia member.
Pessimistic View: It’s a shame that dapper pin stripe suit can’t be salvaged.
Optimistic View: At least he died doing what he loved... leaving a corpse.

August Think About it Thursdays

Why won't you stop eating laminated toast in my shed?

If funner is not a word then how did you just read it?

What is nature's soup pot? How many species have gone extinct because of it?

How many invisible coats are you wearing this summer?

August Friday's Feelings

I feel like a nodding chimp powering a paint mixer.

I feel like a barrel of monkeys.. going over a waterfall.. at a splash park.

I feel like I just used chain mail as a towel.

I feel like a cacti wearing a tight coat.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

1st Weekend Memba When?

Does anyone else remember that time when all those angels fell from heaven & guys immediately started hitting on them?

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of August 14-20, 2016🏃

1. Call the medic! And tell him he has the day off.
2. Sneak into a clothing store, read the tags & wash anything that says it should be washed before worn, then return the clothing at dawn.
3. Invent sticky corn so any tube can become a corn cob. A whole new kind of corn dog! Or even a corn corndog!!
4. Create ice cream scoops from the tub for family convenience & store them in a Tupperware® brand container.
5. Convince dust that it doesn’t need to settle.
6. Untie the shoes of the friends you’re trying to set up so they both trip together & hopefully fall in love.
7. Buy Christmas decorations for 2018-2022 because those years Christmas will lose the war on Christmas & be replaced by Halloween II: The Giftening, Directors Cut Cut! Cut!!

Thursday, August 4, 2016

It's not a living
My eyes can't see in the darkest timeline
And you won't give me what is mine
I play my harp as other angels die
Take my life & throw it in the feed

No one hears me whispering
I don't want to lift my head
If it's not easy I'll surely swallow blood into my heart, dumb in my head

Stop listening to the gears turn
It is the grind & I'm not the wind
I won't live life while working

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Julyfe Hacks Lessons🎓

To save soap & water just wash one hand & use it to spread the clean to the other.

Can't remember your passwords? Pay someone to remember them for you. Make sure to give them the password to your bank account too so they can pay themselves to spare you the hassle.

Dress up as a valet to get free cars.

A leopard can't change it spots but you can change a leopard spots into Wi-Fi hotspots.

Abandon your car in a no parking zone to have it towed away for free.

Leave behind cash at your crime scenes so no one is mad at you for committing crimes.

Shut up mouthy sock puppets by putting shoes on their heads.

To control portion size flip your plate over & eat out of the small rim on its underside.

Need to pop a lot of balloons after a party? Use a bed of nails.

Collect your dandruff to use as decorative snow during the holidays.

To eat less spin around in your desk chair 43 times before lunch.

Need to prop up your cell phone to watch videos? Visit a grave yard & rob a forearm. Phones fit great between the radius & the ulna.

Open your microwave after dark to use it as a night light.

Take pictures with random young black people to impress your friends by claiming you meet a lot of cool underground rappers.

Don't like how your legs look? Pour BBQ sauce into your nylons, put them on, wear them out & people will say you look "Saucy!"

Need to find where your air mattress is leaking? Fill it up with water & use a divining rod to find the leaks.

Lost your glasses? Go to one of those nerd conventions they're always having & wail on some nerds' until you find the right prescription.

Got dirty feet from walking around the house? Tip your cat over & use him as a rug. As a bonus he'll enjoy the belly rub.

Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.

Use a t-shirt canon at the laundromat to get your shirts into loads for free.

A toaster can be used as an alarm clock with a very short snooze.

At your next fiesta fill piñatas with taco ingredients & give out taco salad bowls to catch them.

Bowling balls can be used as wrecking balls for dog houses.

Find someone who has the same name as you & copy their signature. Because you’ll be forging & not forging at the same time you’ll have that sweet sweet legal ambiguity!

All soda is club soda if you hit people with the bottle.

A syrupy bowling lane increases the challenge.

Burn onion incense so others will mourn with you.

When you drop a salad it makes an awesome mountain range for small bugs. If it has that purpley lettuce thing, it makes it feel like America.

Wear mini-wheelbarrows as rings to have seasonings on the go.

If you bury your beloved dead fish in the desert your heart can pretend it lived a long life until after all of the oceans dried up. #DeathHack

Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!

July Selfesque Sundays

I hate how every time I win an award people ignore my accomplishment & start chanting “Speech! Speech! Speech!” celebrating humanity’s ability to communicate verbally. Then if I don’t join the chant they stop & awkwardly mill away.

I lst m kes! N nt thse kes! Tw kes n m kebard.

I've got the strength of a hundred men, a hundred dead men. That's right I killed them & took their power.

I’ve got a bad short term… … … what was I gonna say?

I love ladles as much as the next guy.. but the previous guy, he hated ‘em! He looks up to the stars every night & shakes his fist at the dippers.

July Monday Night Memories

Back in my day people who couldn't afford to bring jello molds to parties brought frog eggs instead.

Back in my day local oafs like me were held in high regard but nowadays foolish behavior is being outsourced to YouTube & we oafs have to compete with the entire world to get even an abbreviated h..

Back in my day snow dogs lived in clouds & once in a lifetime one would fall from heaven with the snow.

Back in my day phones didn’t have cameras unless they were spy phones.

July Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you air for always being there for me.

Thank you eyes for always looking out for me.

Thank you elevator for lifting me up.

Thank you brain for letting me think for myself.

July Weigh It Wednesdays

A meteor is hurdling towards earth!
Pessimistic View: We're all gonna die! & I just peed my pants!
Optimistic View: No one cares that you just peed your pants.

Your house is burning down
Pessimistic View: I've lost my collection of antique fireworks!
Optimistic View: This fire makes my house look like the raddest house on the block!

Your survival bunker fell into a sinkhole.
Optimistic View: If I can get to it down there the bunker is even safer!
Pessimistic View: All that money wasted! What will I do now when the reverse zombie apocalypse happens?

It’s a sunny day
Optimistic View: This outta help me to stop tripping on all those street cantaloupes.
Pessimistic View: It’s too bright to look up to dodge all those sky cantaloupes.

July Think About it Thursdays

If you could give a eulogy at a funeral for any.. inanimate object, which would it be & why not?

If chartreuse were not an option, which color would you rename using only emojis?

What's you're favorite color.. blindfold?

What's the biggest sheep sweater you've ever knit? Why did you knit it so big? There are no sheeps that big!

July Friday's Feelings  

I have more spring in my step than a concrete step ladder.

I'm sadder than a bag of flour being thrown into a ceiling fan.. that is turned off.

I feel like a catapult that only throws in the towel.

I feel like goldenrod paper sitting next to a smart phone.

I'm so cold my goose bumps feel like turtle shells with soliduses painted on them.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

The New Sound of Silence, Full EP Music Video by MARS🌑

Friday, July 22, 2016

Metamorphic Now
I wanna rock right now so I’m gonna go into the street, leave my feet & take a seat.
I wanna rock later while standing in an elevator not with a respirator but maybe with the mash of a tater.
I wanna rock real soon, the expensive kind from the moon, captured from a buggy in a dune.
I wanna rock in a chair on my derriere without out a care except do I need to buy a pear?
I wanna rock at night but I ain’t got the might so I’m lookin for a starry sight to make me feel alright.
I wanna rock n roll but too many people have rhymed with roll so I feel like this rhyme was stole.

Monday, July 4, 2016

+=- I'm room temp with that

Here is the farmicon system of end thoughts, revised.

This mouse has a red wheel just like my car.. Oh no I've said too much!

No one has asked me if I want fries with that at a restaurant in years, probably because I buy 6 sandwiches just for myself. The McDonalds golden arches make you think of their French fries. Yeah they make you wonder if the arches & the fries are made out of the same material.

If it's ok to say I'm great & great is better than good, it should be ok to say I'm doing good instead of I'm doing well.

1: How many pounds does it weigh?
2: I don't know are you talking paper or coins?

I didn't spent a dime on it. I don't have that kind of exact change laying around.

I don't count, I ABC.

Stranger: What are you doing now?
Me: killing..
Me: time..
Me: travelers

Emotional long johns

Swear word of the day: Oath

1:  Have you heard of the The Hunchback of Notre-Dame?
2:  Doesn't ring a bell.

I have some bad news.. There was this blimp called the Hindenburg, it crashed & lots of people died.

Ghost of acrobatic skeletons

Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Yeah that's right I'm the most grateful person you've ever met, Thank you Thank you Thank you

I'm a man of few

Superfluous super crochet hickey

I'm not good at thinking on the fly because it always crushes the fly & thinking on guts is eww.

1: Funner is not a word.
2: Then how did you just say it?

1: I'm Franky Bytheway.
2: Cool last name.

Carts will hide hiccups for golden fawnphilishes.

Walruses will design toasters to toast their tusks.

If I had a hash tag for every time I typed # I'd assume my keyboard was functioning properly.

1: I think the transitive nature of style makes it uncool because it doesn't stand the test of time.
2: Well I think transience creates nostalgia which ultimately makes trendy styles even more valuable.
3: Well I think I’m poor so it doesn’t matter to me. & I also think you both look stupid.

We better get #helmets. That's not a hash tag. That's a face guard.

1: Well if they can do all that more power to them.
2: No not more power to them. More power to me, they have enough power. I need that power!

“How come every time I walk into a shoe store I never see any shoes shopping? What? They are shopping but the shoes are wearing people! Well then why are only shoes for sale in a shoe store? Is it a slavery thing? Eww, don’t shop at shoe stores they promote slavery!”
So now if anyone ever tells you shoe stores promote slavery you’ll know their thought process.

Thursday, June 30 , 2016

Soon June II Lessons🎓

Soon shredded cheese will let itself go & become cottage cheese.

Soon the vegetables you refused to eat as a kid will call you from their deathbeds to thank you for allowing them to lead long, rich lives.

Soon people will not only sneak into movie theaters but also into the homes of Netflix subscribers.

Soon shadow boxing will be called Wi-Fi punching.

Soon cats will become even lazier. Instead of walking in front of us to trip us they will bat marbles towards our feet to trip us from afar.

Soon a "Why?" button will appear alongside the Google Search button to help parents answer their toddlers' questions.

Soon the lion will lay down with the lamb because the nation's zoos will become overcrowded.

Soon voice recognition software will be needlessly replaced by expensive typing drones.

Soon the criteria for a species being endangered will be if every member of the species can fit into a clown car.

Soon the Michelin Man will marry the Goodyear Blimp & she will lay balloons as eggs.

Soon humans from another dimension will visit us but because their dimension is so small, we’ll never know it.

Soon dropping the mic will extend to boom mics & thousands will die.

Soon dinosaurs will return from outer space to look for a lost set of keys.

Soon Peter Pan will take all of his peanut butter back to Neverland.

Soon some w's mill identify as m's.

Soon other seasonings will be added to the ocean & we’ll all have fish soup.

Soon armies of the world will unite against history's greatest foe, illiteracy.

Soon self-driving cars will try to also learn putting.

Soon people won't think of fries when they see McDonalds golden arches because the arches look like fries, but because they found out that the fries are made of the same material as the arches.

Soon firefighters will be overworked when cats start growing on trees.

Soon autocorrect will correct prejudice & bullying. "You mother appreciating.." "You human angel.." "You are an intelligent advocate for positive change.."

Soon cruise ships will take vacations in the desert.

Soon staples will take up yoga, causing papers to loosen free & travel back to their home world of Gazpacho Moncton.

Soon smart phones will become obsolete when super genius phones are invented.

Soon kaleidoscopes will become so popular that people will collide with each other while walking around looking into them. The impact of the collision will be so great that it will create a kaleidoscope of its own.

Soon the hole in the top of traffic cones will have free single scoop ice cream cones stored in them during winter, as God intended.

Soon heptagons will be replaced with bigons.

Soon the ghosts of tacos will haunt your bowels.

Soon zebras will be arrested for the extinction of unicorns.

Soon after the next major election, riots will become so widespread that people will be willing to loot lutes.

June Monday Night Memories

Back in my day all puppets were sock puppets because we wore puppets on our feet.

Back in my day calling The Police always resulted in a Sting.

June Tuesday's Thanks

Thank you legs because you always stand up for me.

Thank you sky because you're always something I can look up to.

June Weigh It Wednesdays

You broke your leg
Pessimistic View: Now I have to wait until I can frog hop again to integrate into the toad community for the documentary I'm producing.
Optimistic View: Now I can learn to forge all of my friends signatures! $_$

Top 10 Lists
Optimistic View: Such an efficient way to imbibe opinion, history, & humour.
Pessimistic View: Stupid base 10, arbitrary, hyperbole-laden, opinion based pap! 0100000101000001010100100100011101001000!

June Think About it Thursdays

How many questions can you answer while reading this question?

Do you make rabbits joust with carrots?

If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be.. that pays the bill?

What is the weight bearing limit on your wheelbarrow made of unprocessed cotton?

If you had a million dollars.. where would you keep it? C'mon you can tell me.

June Friday's Feelings  

I feel like a cobra trying to swim up the stream of a Super Soaker.

I feel like a bus stop on a log raft.

I feel like mayonnaise mixed with Miracle Whip giving birth to packets of salad dressing.

I'm cheerier than a kite going to the moon.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

1st Selfesque Sunday

I've been writing comedy for 18 years & boy are my wrists tired. I was cutting up in class & the teacher said, "Oh you think you're funny eh? Well you're gonna write the word comedy for 18 years!" c

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of June 5-11, 2016🏃

1. Make your pig's bed out of bread so it can get used to being a sandwich.
2. Secretly get copies made of everyone's keys & surprise people with a copy if they ever lose theirs.
3. Travel the planet screwing in light bulbs for all the races of the world.
4. Show up uninvited to a trial as a surprise "witness."
5. Open your neighbor's mail & put it back in their mailbox without reading it.
6. Put a treadmill in front of the ordering counter at the donut shop you own.
7. Provide public staircase reviews online by falling down every stair you come across.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Wordplay May Lessons

A person who doesn't have a will & keeps all of his money under his bed has an heir mattress.

If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, let it die again.

Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be both president & vice president.

The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is because smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're using our phones.

Don't write a book. Books can't write back.

Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.

A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.

Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in it.

Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.

A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."

Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.

Don't get wasted but don't get used either.

Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't a lot of rope hanging around.

Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.

Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside. You've gotta choose a side!

A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.

Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the other side as a mechanic!

Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.

Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.

Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.

Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.

Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies shooting you with love arrows of their own.

Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.

If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top bunk.

The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.

X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.

Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.

Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in front of reality.

Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.

Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.

If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!

Corpse storage locations that are worse than caskets

Bouncy House
Fish Tank/Aquarium
Mall Fountain
Koi Pond
Flag Pole
Carnival Rides
Lawn Chair
Jello Mold
Pool Table
Mashed Potatoes sans Gravy
Petting Zoo
Produce Isle
At the End of a Rope
On a Cross
Basketball Hoop
Pee Wee Football Field
Inside Another Human Carcass
Out Yonder
Behind Anything

Friday, May 13, 2016

Apps we desperately need

• App you sign promising you won't press charges so you can fight people legally
   Includes video with face tracking that makes sure contract is not signed under duress
• Redwood tree app
   plant a redwood tree and simulate its growth since it will be growing long after you're dead
• The Flavor of Colors
   Discover What flavor a color of food is. what fruit is the red Skittle? what flavor is this brand of green popsicle? Are all M&Ms really the same flavour?
• Twigslist
   find Twigs to glean from other people's yards
• Add your ant farm to Google Maps

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Food as clothing and accessories

• Gutted fish fanny pack
• Onion goggles
• Spaghetti chain mail
• Mini-Stack of Pringles in place of a watch
• Creamed corn foundation
• Half watermelon shoes
• Grapefruit elbow pads
• Chocolate thong

Worse to do while completely underwater

• Blowing up or playing with balloons
   ►They keep floating to the top & you keep drowning
• Chopping wood
• Changing a tire
• Putting on lotion
• Conference calling
• Cooking soup
• Cracking eggs
• Walking your dog

Reasons cobras hate lemons

• Cobras are carnivorous.
• I keep throwing lemons at them, stupid cobras

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Think About it Thursday

Why can't nerds stop talking about Dungeons & Rings, Force Trek, or Harold Wars? Or is it Harry Wars? I can never remember.

Clipart Commentary VIII🎥

Monday, May 2, 2016

Back in my day a bag of chips cost a quarter & a bag of quarters cost $37.16 because all bags of quarters were sold with 147 quarters in them & the bag cost 41 cents.

+=- I can't keep .

I blame my obesity on exposure to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.

I'm drug & alcohol free even if it's free.

These walls block all UV rays! (Bouncing light not included)

How many woodchucks would Chuck chuck if Chuck could chuck woodchucks?

Sorry but we can't afford to get you a pony but we can get you a ponytail.

How many 14th century Turks does it take to screw in a light bulb in the 14th century?

I think it is great that people don't use the names of famous killers as names for their kids. No one today is ever named Genghis, Adolph, OJ, Ted, Jeffrey, or Jim.

Have you realized that your mom telling you about starving kids in Africa has made you overweight?

🕮👀😢 = "I'm illiterate."

My daughter is amazing. The first time she picked up an orange crayon she could draw shredded cheese.

Frisbees are sports tortillas. That is why they are so hard, because sports humans have hard muscles.

Celebrate Grave Digging Day, because a funeral is never goodbye.

At the end of the year I would like to run for Student Council President & lose horribly, just for fun?

As the hosts, we had to set things up & set things down.

I don't know who this Hitler guy was but he must not have been particularly bad to have had so many people compared to him.

People act like participation trophies are a bad thing. There weren't participation trophies when I was growing up & I didn't participate. These trophies are an incentive to participate. How else are you going to get apathetic kids to do something as pointless as sports? News flash, adults get participation trophies too, it's called a wage. If you didn't get paid, you wouldn't work for competition & victory or love of the game

I bought a folding chair for my laundry room. It must be defective. It hasn't folded a single article I've put on it.

On average, Americans eat 18 acres of pizza every day. If I had more money that number would rise significantly.

I can't keep   .
[The joke of the title is I can't keep up but there is no "up" in the title because I couldn’t keep it.]

+=- Heading to the Footer

Dresser drawers organized from top of body down:
Windex flavored chainmails
Vampire Capes
Fishnet Cummerbunds
Government Issued Chaps
Porcelain Dress Socks
(Warning! System does not work for overalls, underalls, or floor length neck ruffs.)

Natural Grease
Who needs hair gel when you've got natural grease? Use it to fix squeaky doors (please do not get hair stuck in door hinge).
Get my new book "Harnessing the power of your natural grease."
Follow my 2 step guide:
1. Skip Showers.
2. Put meat on yo head.

Windows on Windows
I don't care about the Apple Watch or the Google Glass. I'm still waiting for Microsoft Windows on my actual windows.

It'll tell you what breed of dog walks by, keep an Excel spreadsheet of what time the mailman comes. You can display a wallpaper to let you feel like you live in a better neighborhood.

Eventually you can upgrade to the touch screendoor, which I think would actually be easier to create because it's got the pixel squares already built in.

Nights of the Week:

Ghost Sheet Scariness Countdown:
4. Flowery Sheet
3. Polka dot sheet
2. Plain white sheet
1. Soiled white sheet

Cool Names:
Greg Gary
Dede Dea
Charlie Lee
Leon Aerol (Lee on a roll)
Hiya Heyman

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Astonishing April Lessons🎓

The world is filled with creepy skeletons in disguise & you're one of them!

Hippos are deadly because they aren't lively.

China has more English speakers than the United States, that's why "Made in China" is never written in Chinese.

A flock of crows is known as a murder & that thing you did to that guy who stopped moving forever, that's a murder too, even though you didn't see any crows nearby.

Fingernails never stop growing. That means one day they'll be mature enough to accept you for who you are, someone who has a really itchy butt.

No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted, after that you can't tell them apart.

I is the shortest word that is typed with only the right hand.

Hundreds of cannibals die of starvation every day but then they are eaten by the other cannibals so everything works out.

11% of the world is left-handed, 89% is right-handed, 1% is ambidextrous.

All porcupines float in water, except the bald ones with holes in them.

The average Kodiak Marmoset laughs zero times a day.

The deathspan of a fruit fly is 1 moment.

A cat's purring doesn't echo in outerspace.

98% of Japanese are cremated, the other 2% are still alive.

"Hello" is a quote from 4,600+ movies.

There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. Why they're just sitting in the basement is anyone's guess.

Earthworms have 5 hearts. Their Valentine's Day cards are insane.

Slugs have 4 noses & so does the average dad.

The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is considered average in America.

1 in 400 chickens is a human who was successfully hypnotized into a full species transition.

The human body is comprised of 80% water, most of which are the tears we hold back.

The cheese slice was invented in the 13th century & modeled after the sun which was then believed to be a flat square.

Just 23 bars of soap can produce enough suds to fill the entire Grand Canyon gift shop.

A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. I bet you thought they used buckets.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale. Why this hasn't been made into a video game remains a mystery.

There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones. There are also more plastic ninja turtles than real ones.

There are more clocks in this world than there are hours in a day.

Vegetables grown in Alaska grow gigantic due to longer exposure to the sun. Vegetables grown on the sun are planet sized & already cooked. Yummerific!

Dogs are colorblind. That's why you never see any K9 art critics.

Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That number is expected to rise significantly next month, when flying cars become the norm.

April Monday Night Memories

Back in my day we didn't play cops & robbers. We just played robbers & giant mother bird.

Back in my day we were so modest that even our parachutes had pants.

Back in my day we didn't have tv shows like Ghost Hunters because people had the decency to only hunt pre-ghosts.

April Think About it Thursdays

Which of your hands would look better in a wig?

Can you talk to me about French calories being different than Tunisian ones?

April Friday's Feelings

I'm less camouflaged than a geometrically ambiguous tuba.

I'm more full of corned beef than a nite lite choking on a whale harness.

I'm less thrifty than a snow globe built to scale teriyakied demolitioners' cranes.

I'm cuddlier than the 3 push brooms that want to finally sweep up Neptune.

I feel like a wombat taking a Tuvaluan citizenship test while covered in silly string.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Rejecting the Sensibilities of Fear
I choke on poison ivy
It is the only plant in this world
I've half a tooth
Not inclined to biting
"Chew on this for a while!"

Too many hands for other loads
They've got their business packed
Here I am when the leaves aren't falling
Flowers only bloom for the florists
Bare sticks, dirty stones
A wordless world of guff

I won't embrace the sensibilities of fear
I'll only play doom by id

Thursday, April 21, 2016

What's the worst thing you've ever done? or #LateShowConfessions🐝

I abandoned my car in a no parking zone.
I believed It's Not Butter®.
I had a relative I didn't like so I drained him of all his blood so we'd no longer be blood related.
I only befriend vegans so I can say, "Where's the beef?" more often.
After 25 years I finally stopped watching The Simpsons. Now I watch the new couple who moved into their house next door.
My favorite book is the bible but only because it's the one book I can claim as my favorite without being expected to have read the whole thing.
My lifelong dream is to have my tweet read on tv. It was very hard to explain for those 1st 20 years.
I think Sgt. Pepper is a horrible album & an even worse pepper.
God has never woken me up during church & that is why I believe He loves me.
If my phone dies I recharge it & ask it about the afterlife. If it doesn't answer, I let it die again
I feed the homeless but only so I can follow them afterwards & find out where they go #2.
I like to leave letters addressed to my mailman in my mailbox just so he knows I know where he lives too.
I say I run marathons but in reality, I've only served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run.. & it wasn't that fun.
I demand my pancakes be stacked side by side like records in a jukebox. It's easier to get them syrupy.
I've typed lol without actually laughing out loud because I like to wear a recreational gag.

I only let people off an elevator before me because it's the sole scenario where I'm thanked for doing nothing.
I once ate crackers on toast & didn't sweep up after myself.
I prefer resting to being interesting.
I only say "Have a great day!" to my calendar.
When I tell people I have a photographic memory I'm actually talking about my digital camera.
I started to write the quitter's anthem but gave up half way through.
I once jumped off a bridge then all my friends did too, I was the only survivor.
Whenever I take a stroll in heavy rain I pee freely.
I like to say, "Hey the sun looks weird today" just to get people to look up & hurt their eyes.
If someone says, "I've gotta pee." I ask them, "What are you going to spell with it?"
I think OJ did it & by "it" I mean tasted great!
The 1st time I heard a police siren I thought R2-D2's crazy cousin was on the loose.
Truth is I'm only 1/3 vegan because I don't eat meat while I'm asleep.
The reason I eat so much on my birthday is because I want to actually feel a year older when I’m done eating.

I'm so much of a quitter I give up when I'm not even doing anything.
I swallow my pride for lunch because it always fills me up.
When I go to the buffet I don't stop eating til I lose consciousness.
I like to fill in awkward silences. Still awkward but no silence.
I don't make excuses, I just use them.
If you are what you eat then I'm a lot of things, but mostly food.
I really really really need to start using a thesaurus.
I'm a mad scientist because I'm not good at science.
I eat so much that I bring a paramedic with me to buffets.
I once said to a deaf man, "Don't believe everything you hear."
I helped an old lady cross the road.. into a euthanasia clinic.
I held a door open for someone.. at 40,000 feet, there were no survivors.
I use comedy as a mask to hide my unfunniness.
I can't afford dark chocolate so I just eat regular chocolate with the lights off.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

+=- Just in time for too late..

Hello rotisserie pig

"Let me lay down & fight" - Melody Joy, age 3

I'm so lazy I never say, "You're Welcome" because I feel like it would be dishonest to make people think they are welcome to my help again.

Pro:  I'm pro pro.
Apro:  I think things should be done for free.

2+2=4 but so does 3+1. And what if you pour buttery buffalo pesto all over the 4? It's still a four but now, if it were on a spacecraft (in space) some of the pesto might float off of it dramatically. Oooh the space rats, Daffodil & Wigsmatort will be surprised when they taste its firey flavour.

My influence compares to the darkest depths of the oceans.

Why would you be a rapper when you could be the candybar instead?

How many numbers are in 1? If you said 1, you're wrong, because there are infinite zeroes in 1.

You look like you need less cabbage in your life. You can time potato yellowing?

I've eaten shark or was that the other way around?


Oh I mind & I tum too.

"It's like everyone else is a salt water fish & I'm a tarragon fish." He said happily.

I do have a very forgettable face, said no one, because they had already forgotten it before they could speak.

The real question is who would win a fight between Robin & Jimmy Olson.

Whoever has the colloquial idiolect to impress me with their lexiconical vernacular is ok in my papery thing with lots of papers in a harder paper.

I am a good man, I only play people the world's regularest sized violin.

I wish I was still an ape. Dumb scientists testing that shampoo on me!

A pile of oats reaches just as many coils as a trudge in mellow yellow.

I like to borrow tacos & just use the lettuce for cobb salads.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of March 27-April 2, 2016🏃

What was your last random act of kindness?
Larry: I helped an old lady cross the road.. into a euthanasia clinic.
Brianroy: I helped a lady who's car broke down. It was the first time I'd ever seen a car cry.
Tyler: I held a door open for someone.. at 40,000 feet, there were no survivors.
Caleb: I pulled my neighbor out of a snowbank. The bank didn't even have a freezer, it was a scam!
Mainbwd: I took my wife to dinner tonight, by leading her by the hand to our dining room table for a meal of Hot Cargo Pockets.
Alex: I helped an elderly woman to her Porsche but she had misplaced her keys so I hotwired it for her & everything.
airbrush: I gave a bum money today. That a-hole didn't give a crap.

Thursday, March 31, 2016

Motivationalish March Lessons🎓

Rome wasn't built in a day, but Lego Rome.. it's worth a shot!

People who believe "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" have already fell for something stupid.

Be yourself so if you become famous you can make twice as much money by moonlighting as an impersonator of yourself.

What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a pointless waste of time.

It takes just as much brain power to spell the word sasquatch as it does to know sasquatches don't exist.

It's not the highest number you can count to that matters but the highest number you can count on.

It is not the hardest working ant that is remembered but the one that mysteriously bursts into flames.

In an argument "always" always never means always.

Throw some curvy lines into the wind to pretend to live in a drawing.

Frequently typing "lol" is the cure for hypochondria.

Tomorrow never begins or ends.

The night daylight saving time begins is the ideal night to break your "latest I've ever stayed up" record.

Even the shiniest toast was once a glitterless piece of bread.

Authors abbreviate their names to save ink in their books so they make more money from each copy.

Put boxing gloves on a gorillas hands & feet to invent the hilarious new quadraboxing.

All e's are relative e's. That's why they look so much alike.

The best day to be covertly envious is Street Patrick's Day.

Tragedy strikes because if it didn't knock down all the pins it wouldn't be a tragedy.

Mysteries are more interesting that facteries.

Collecting snow globes as you travel sure beats collecting regular globes.

If you are invited to participate in a "dramatic robbery reenactment" don't do it. It's gonna be a real robbery.

All alien abductions are hoaxes perpetrated by short, green, big headed rapists from another planet.

Aging is genetic. If you don't believe me, talk to your parents tomorrow.

You can be most successful at fly fishing if you use a net made of double sided tape.

In ye olden days finding your lost phone was easy. You just followed the cord from the jack to the phone.

If you don't drown your sorrows they'll eventually commit suicide anyway.

You can speak to someone from the past by texting them because every text message received was typed in the past but what is said with the voice occurs in the present.

The world record for most tetanus shots taken in a fortnight is still up for grabs. #goals

One of the coolest things about bakeries is that the donut ponchos are free.

Some like to give homeless people money. Others like to give money a home.

Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything.. except getting others to believe in you. You probably won't be able to reverse reincarnate either or teach a koala to make you a decent boiled salad.

March Monday Night Memories

Back in my day if you saw a clown getting a haircut you had to switch occupations with it. This resulted in almost nothing but clown barbers.

Back in my day we kept our clones from asking questions by telling them that we were adopted twins.

March Think About it Thursdays

How many histograms does it take to walk your dawg to the 3rd moon of Neptune?

How many chandeliers can you hang in your treeless yard?

Who farmed seeing invisible lights?

How many seasoned criminals does it take to justify the "Take a bite out of crime burger"?

How many double agents does it take to triple the amount of agents in that single van outside your window?

March Friday's Feelings

I feel like a self-made man looking at his family tree.

I feel like an out of style hat plugged into an orange oven socket.

I'm cloudlier than a spatula returning to Spatula City after the great breakfast tornado.

I feel like the warning label stuck to a package of labels.

March Survey Saturdays

How many [insert nationality you are least favorable of here] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
▱ 1
▱ 1/2
◪ ?/? (Whatever fraction of the body a single hand is)
▱ It depends on if they are alive.

How likely are you to take this survey?
⎔ Likely
⎔ Unlikely
◈ You know the deal, your existence must be ignored.

What is your legal name?
▢ Kettle Jim
☑ Mayolorka
☒ Tehtwobrush
⊡ Asinkojimenshi
▣ Chefarabeshkamoonjoi

Monday, February 29, 2016

Frightful February Lessons🎓

The scary thing about waking up late is that you may sleep long enough to see the credits to your dream.

Phantom limbs are even scarier when they wear masks.

The scary thing about forearms is they are the only body part that are clearly labeled as to what they are for.

The scary thing about your eyes is they can see you but you can never see them.

The scary thing about trees is if you try to kill them they grow back & out live you.

Don't worry about what other people are thinking about you. The only thought anyone ever has about you is, "What do they think of me?"

The scary thing about pharaohs is that the first 14 pyramids were made out of ice cubes.

The scary thing about toast is if you burn it, it will get its revenge by ruining your breakfast.

The scary thing about fingers is it only takes one to blow up the whole world.

The scary thing about bending over in space is that it could send you into a tailspin.

The scary thing about caves is that one is probably below you right now!

The scary thing about distractions is that they make it so this joke isn't written very well.

The scary thing about blueberries is they are so sad they want you to eat them.

The scary thing about commas is that they bring everything to a halt.

The scary thing about stars is that they are cheating on their solar systems while shining upon us & once their planets find out about this we're in big trouble.

Crocodile tears are scary, especially considering most tears are snail tears.

Memories are scary because they keep track of everything you do.

The scary thing about peaches is when they get sad everyone thinks they are still just peachy.

Bank vaults increase the number of home break-ins by being so secure.

The scary thing about your brain is that it makes a backup copy into a turnip anytime you confuse radishes with turnips.

The scary thing about hamburgers is that you can get them anywhere, except the places that need them the most.

The scary thing about standing still for a long time is that a line may form behind you & you may have to lead them to greatness.

The scary thing about steaks is that when the steaks are high you know they've been pumped with GMOs.

The scary thing about atoms is that they hid in plain sight for 1,000s of years.
The scary thing about walls when a building collapses is they expect us to return the favor for leaning on them by "leaning" on us.

The scary thing about dinosaurs is that they actually went extinct by bullying because all the other animals called them big boned.

Jet powered gloves give the scariest high fives.

The skeleton key to stopping bullying is to give your kid an intimidating name. No one would dare bully in a school full of kids named Thanos Norris & Rhonda Xena.

The scary thing about onions is when you hack them to bits, they make you cry, even if you didn't know them very well.

The scary thing about ghosts is that there is no solid evidence that they exist.. unless this is the afterlife & we are all the ghosts of golems.

Finding a spider in the blankets is scary but finding a blanket in the spiders is a whole nuther kind o disturbing.

The scariest floors are transicerink.

February Think About it Thursdays

Would you rank your day as somewhere between a kaleidoscope of only oranges & a ziplock bag of water, 6/7ths full?

If I prefer my closets be painted white on the inside does that make me a closet racist?

Transmogrify any corn ice lately?

Did you ever meet the shale oil whisperer of saskawauke

February Friday's Feelings

I feel like a stack of daffodils used for currency by butterflies.

I feel like a storm that rains mustard.

I'm luckier than most atomic whale kitten analyzers

February Survey Saturdays

If you could feed 1 sentient hobo a month what would you require to do it?
▢ A 2 tooth minimum.
❑ Having him prove his sentience by typing 5 random alphanumeric unicode characters.
▱ Food, a gettaway car, & a stayahere car.
◪ Proof of sobriety & financial responsibility as required by your god &/or conscience.
⊟ A "gentleman's pancake"
⧉ Running into a hobo while having enough money to feed your nobos at home.

What kind of milk makes you thirstiest?
▣ Space milk
▥ Homemade milk (made from water & chalk)
☑ Moth milk
⊡ The one with the ball peen hammer that says I can't have any more milk unless I finish my cookies.

I see myself as a went gotter.
☒ Strongly agree to disagree
◪ Wussfully disagree to agree to disagree

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Zora Nixine Reyes

Born February 21st, weighing in at 5 1/2 lbs, she is the 2nd natural born Piemerican, born just 3 days before Piemerica's 18th anniversary.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of February 14-20, 2016🏃

1. Pick up someone's bill without then putting it down & laughing at them for having to pay it.
2. Hire an understudy to take your place when you leave your family to become a fossil model.
3. Catch a tiger by its toe & manicure, manicure faster than you've ever manicured before!
4. Stop trying to "give the sun a day off" by lighting yourself on fire. It's not helping anyone.
5. pRuuf wreid htis centense four m.e
6. Freeze tag people who look really tired.
7. March right up to your boss's office & tell him, "I'm starting a parade for great bosses. Do you want to come see it? If you're too busy I'm having someone tape it & I can send you a link to the video later."

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of February 7-13, 2016🏃

1. Become a nutritionist for cannibals then quit just before discovering the terrible secret that cannibalism is the healthiest diet of all time.
2. Tip your waitress twice, first as you're leaving the restaurant, then as she's leaving the restaurant.
3. Finally record & release your jazz mime album, or just release a square photo of you dressed as a mime. No one will know the difference.
4. Replace your roommate's peanuts with packing peanuts to let him know it's time to move out!
5. Accost a bank teller & volunteer to clean some coins with your ultra-realistic water gun.
6. Treat yo self, to a garden snake salad.
7. Train to become a juggler in case an octomom has to throw you four of her babies to go save her other four babies.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

MARS Website Updated

Unique background art added to each page. Layout width increased. Created a More page.

Monday, February 1, 2016

Piemerica the Website, 14 Years Online!

We must hold some kind of world record for our ratio of unpopularity to plethoric size, longevity, & update frequency.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

90s Clipart Commentary🎥

Fight Promos/Pro-Wrestling Promos (January 'ot 16 Vines)🎥

Jubilant January Lessons🎓

The great thing about sleeping through midnight on New Year's Day is that when you wake up, you know you've successfully slept all year long.

The great thing about losing a limb is that you get a phantom limb to replace it & a phantom limb sounds cooler than a regular limb.

Giving yourself a pat on the back is hard work. The reason you do it is because you've worked hard. So pat yourself on the forearm instead, it's easier.

Eyes make everything easier, especially getting poked in the eye.

Nature would love it if we burned down all the trees! I'm referring to Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the trees!"

It is fun for people to have thinks about you in their thoughter.

The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception of cube.

Toast is great because you can use it for stubble simulations.

The great thing about hands is that they double as egg holders, if you have some eggs handy.

The great thing about having big hands is that you can pick up more debris per bendover.

The great thing about not having big muscles is that you can be a better spelunker, more easily fitting through tight cave crevices .

The great thing about being distracted easily is that someday you'll make one special robber very very happy.

Blueberries aren't blue on the inside because they've had good lives.

"This is," I wrote, hoping to be humorous, "the great thing about commas."

The great thing about Darth Vader appearing on products is that it lets you know which ones to avoid. Someone from the dark side would only endorse low quality items that ruin your day.

If lack of snacks has you weeping openly, tears are great for satisfying your salty cravings!

One great thing about having a memory is when it remembers the end of a joke…

A peach is great because it's a fuzzy food that isn't rotten.

Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.

Brains are great because they can read this.

The great thing about some pawn shops is that they'll let you hock a hamhock.

The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.

A restaurant that delivers steak can drive a steak into your heart.

The great thing about atoms is that you can see them & not see them at the same time

The great thing about walls is that they can't talk!

The great thing about dinosaurs is that they can't make you fat.

The great thing about gloves is that you can give them the finger, in every sense.

The great thing about tourniquets is that no one has been named Tourniquet.. yet.

The great thing about finding poop on the floor is that it raises your heart rate.

Onions are great because you can throw them at lousy stage actors who failed to cry during a show to make them cry for real.

The great thing about ghosts is that they will never harm us. The only reason ghosts exist on earth is because they were too lazy to float to heaven.

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 31-February 6, 2016🏃

1. Teach otters the value of a dollar by feeding them money & giving them savage beatings until they cough up the cash.
2. Hire snails to seal envelopes.
3. Have a funeral for a dead mobile phone battery, recharge it, then throw a resurrection party.
4. Feed a biscuit a sausage to delight whoever eventually eats the biscuit.
5. Give a lifetime's supply of helium balloons to someone who already has a high pitched voice so they can talk to their dog in secret.
6. Curate push broom statistics.
7. Chop down all the trees in your neighborhood to prevent potential tornado damage caused by branch avalanches & squirrel hurls.

January Think About It Thursdays

Hearing is like a mirror if you can hear them they can hear you right? Is that why people yell at movies?

Does LoL stand for soccer?

What is this "ios" I keep hearing about? Is it the cool new way of saying Cheerios?

I empathize with me. That makes me a good person right?

January Friday's Feelings

I feel rougher than transcription of a dog conversation.

I feel like a box of crayons that melted from natural causes.

I feel like the star that whispers about hamburger cooking safety in sentient cows ears.

I feel like hearing bread testimonies about transtoasting.

I feel like lephrchons smoothed out an elephants skin so they could use it as a 3D water slide.

January Survey Saturdays

If you could rate your mood on a scale of 1-7 leaving out 4-6 what would it be?

Who has the most film in their back pockets:
▱ Caged bears.
▣ Solid harmonicas.
⧉ Beans with wishes.

Which superhero has the best toupee?
◪ Superman
▥ Wolverine
⊡ Aquaman
⎔ Shaft
❑ Punk rock Green Lantern

Saturday, January 30, 2016

New Lyrics

I've got my Eyes on the Parting Gift
For a limited time I'd like to rope you all in
For a limited time I'd like to expose your lack of sin
I could just start talking
But there'd be no one to listen
So I'll take my breath
And breathe a silent breath of true love

I've got my eyes on the parting gift
Because the prize only belongs to some
I've got my eyes on the parting gift
I'm in it to spin it, not to win it & I'm alone

For a number of days—zero
I want to live inside your haze
Am I the one who's really missing out
Or are the ones' who are out & "about"
They live all the tertiary things
& yeah they've got wings
But they don't have ears or eyes
They have empty hellos & goodbyes

I've got my eyes on the parting gift
The prize is empty, yet heavy so I won't lift
I've got my eyes on the parting gift
I'm in it to spin it, not to win it & I'm alone here

Isn't everything a waste in a wasteland?
I want to be a fire
That wakes up all the tired
I want to take their place
To rest in all of their beds
To take joy in that I don't have to erase.

I want to be a water—that just chills
I want to be a survivor
Of this sick timeline
Where man & machine just mime
Oh how I wish you owned a face
Because then you could look this way
& have anything, to say

Fall, fall from where you can't get hurt
Rise to where your feelings are worth more than these digital chains
Fire, fire burn me now
Because I want to run so fast to get out
Burn us now
Goodbye cool world, cruel world, empty world
Hello inner & outer space
Fill it up,  fill it up, fill it up with moon light
The only light but stars at night
I don't want no embers, no
No, no, no, no!

And now there is nothing left!
Nothing to grab, no theft!
I walk on a four second smile
And now, there are no more tunes to sing out
Nothing to laugh about
Goodbye hands
I will be held by no one, nothing under the sun
And you will choke until there's ringing in your ears
All the lost rings, all the lost rings of beauty
All the lost rings..
You never picked up
So goodbye life
Rife life on almost all sides of the sphere that never rolls

This is the place
Where all these things grow
Where nothing grows

So to you & yours who were always bored
We could have built something from those planks
But now the night is done
And we will never see fun
Tomorrow's a waste
But isn't everything a waste in a wasteland
Doesn't every grain of life leak through our hands
No, no, no, no no no not mine

I am Above Tomorrow
Too many dents in this car, ahh to drive it
I will make sure we are, out of the private
The news won't give me the blues
Because I'm above tomorrow
The flames won't burn through my shoes
Because I'm above tomorrow!

You won't catch me on guard because I'm not afraid of anything
I'm a protector
Don't want to be a BS inspector
I'm not gonna look for the swallowed rings in the pile of dung
It may be valuable to some
To sift through the crap
I'm gonna sift through love & find the treasures in that!

I will not grow cold
I will not grow cold!
Because I'm above tomorrow!
I'm above tomorrow!

You think you're better than me?
Well I'm glad you can finally enjoy yourself
Stop looking through the wreckage & debris
There's a paradise to your left
You left it
Without being observant
They told you move out or start hurting

I will go toothless from the sweetness
I will go toothless from the sweetness
And I will smile!

And I'm above yesterday
And I'm above today
They are temporary things

Celebration celebration
Celebration celebration

Destiny won't tackle me
Because I'm the captain, & I'm the ship, & I'm the ocean!

My Father dwarfs Poseidon
And there's no need for hiding
We are eternity men

Friday, January 29, 2016

New Bitstrips

Sunday-Monday, January 24-25, 2016

New Bitstrips

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness for the Week of January 24-30, 2016🏃

1. Next time you're in line at the grocery haggle down the price for the person in front of you.
2. R̲o̲a̲m̲ around with free Caesar salads.
3. Label friends' underwear.. with name brand labels. (Doesn't have to be your friends, just somebody's friends).
4. Come up with break up lines for inanimate objects in case people begin to embrace ianimateobjextuality. “Look knife this relationship just isn’t cutting it for me.”
5. Break a habitual hitchhiker's thumb, because a thumb in a cast stands out more.
6. Try to found the Royal American Society for Lazy People then be too lazy to do it so society appreciates the true value of lazy people, that of not founding pointless organizations.
7. Shovel your neighbor's driveway this winter, so they can put a pool in it this summer.

Friday, January 22, 2016

15th Anniversary of Piemerica's Lesson of/for the Day🎓

In those 15 years there have been 2,272 lessons. Today is our 512th consecutive day with a new lesson. Lesson section now has a new font & background (1st time the background has changed since 2002). My pick for greatest lesson of all time (for laughs & personal reasons):
If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.

New Bitstrips

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Misc January 'ot 16 Piemerica Vines🎥

Monday, January 18, 2016

Index Updated

Page load time, code, & images optimized, new system used for video embeds, smaller audio player implemented

New Lingo

Nitpigging - Being excessively critical & enjoying it, Pigging out on nitpicking

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Lamp Head🎥

Friday, January 15, 2016

What hasn't already been said about.. Iron Man 2🎥

Monday, January 11, 2016

30 year old man talks to himself in different voices about his failed internet show [Bonus from Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh? Christmas Adam Special]🎥

90s Clipart Commentary🎥

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Hobby Lobby & a Fourth Word🎥

Top 3s page redesigned

COMEDIC Collections:

Lessons🎓 Fornitudes💬 Ads💰 Stories👂 'ot 6 Reviews👓
Scripts📜 Journals📓 Speeches🎤 Quizardry💫 Find Irony🔍
Feel💕 Think👆 Weigh💪 Act🏃 Recall 🐘 Answer
Externalize📣 Retropine📻 Joke💃 Thank🙏 Rank🏆


Advice Oven🔥 Piemerican Knews📰 Tae Kwon Dumb👊
Book Drinking Central📚 Piemerican Airlines


MARS🌑 Lyrics & Poems Piemerican Records💿
Rose Garden Dream🌹 I'm Tired. Sleep Tonight.🎫

AudiOcular Entertainment:

Videos🎥 Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?📹 Games🏄 Vine


Piemerican Magazine📖 Piemerican Elementary Knews🏫
(The Joe)'s Autobiography🌅 Christmas Catalog🎄
Lesson Mania!🎓 The Essentialness of Essentiality🌛


Photo Galleries📒 Comics💢 Cats🐱 eCards💳 Artwork
The darkened Reality of Real-Estate Piemericomic🏇


Paths Art🎨 Song🎶 Journey🚑 Freezer Freezer Problem 

Comedic Compendiums:

+=-💖 Jibber Jabber🎒 Chat📞 Banana Towels🍌 Swood🐝


Emperor MAR🌏 Laslo PanafleX🎯 Renderings👤
Meet Piemerica🚃 MAR's Facebook MAR's Twitter🐣


About Us🍰 Lingo👂 Promos📨 Encyclopedia🔑 Pledge
History📅 Old Houses🔙 What The Eat Help👋


Pieuro🚀 Shoppe👕 Site Facebook Index II📇 Misc DLs📥


Full Archive📅 ²⁰16 ²⁰15 ²⁰14 ²⁰13 ²⁰12 ²⁰11 ²⁰10 ²⁰09 ²⁰08 ²⁰07 ²⁰06 ²⁰05 ²⁰04 ²⁰03 ²⁰02 ²⁰01

MARS Up-tempo Music Sampler

Every Second Worry Impowers Fits 1:08
Those of us on the ledge in the wind. 2:29
Don't Hush Now :30
The night the fire gave no light. :54
Amidst rope 1:18
Ages in Bloom :29
Nothing is Similar :48
Shining darkness...... :56
Spreading out a quilt on grass that looks like a quilt :48
Style us 2:17
Holes made of glass 1:00
Life Shell :23
Dizzy Bay 1:28
At first I thought it was my mind... 1:14
dr. stoop pays his lite bill 2:04
Still Not Today :17
Safari Rhino Tracks :56
Those of us who say "We..." 4:51
Those of us with our head in the sea. 2:22
Desert Saw Name Window 1:25
Stars on a Clothes Line :28
The Ship Leaks from Above 1:03
Time Traveller :56
Master Working :43
I've both fostered sake nealing seat 1:05
Dedicated harnesses waiting for crumbs. :43
Towers again. 1:03
I have no identity so how can this be a crisis? 1:20
Tagline :51
Holld :58
EveryThing was Personally hand Washed by me 1:35
Sickle of fire...Loudest Silence, :51
HAUT 1:17
Rock drick garden 1:08
Fogless Sight 1:08
Text-tile :25
Label + (Hold) :40
Incompliable :40
Today or something like it 1:14
when is the fortuen made to rivers? 1:17
It started today 1:08
aspiring stoop exited a hole in the veranda's mind 2:01
Far too late in the early morning. :29
Expelious Sea 1:50
I run the mill like a hamster at its wheel. :30
You are not trapped 1:42
Eyce :59
It was Ok. 1:23
Ponector Kin :41
:Oyas todo nias phel elpi doh yahnah tais: 1:52
The MARk :27
Volts into you :45
Dairy Harvest 1:42
Buying Buying Bears 1:18
One Color Rainbow 1:18
Sound without Effect 2:14
Remake :32
Best of II :55

MARS Relaxing Music Sampler

The Real Iceberg 4:31
inq. :45
Those of us on the curb watching traffic. 2:51
Greatest Sequels II 2:13
Don't Hush Now :30
new dew 2:26
I'm Tired of Whispering AND Shouting 1:17
Has-been Run has been run 4:17
Prime Flower 2:41
Mind Without Affect 1:22
& the bubble took the rain dog :55
I Caught You Throwing 3:03
Fiveground 1:13
I Blew Blue 1:04
The Living Water Surface 1:00
Wet Chain Link 2:30
Messiah Waits 1:08
Mister Wonderful 3:45
vlain :49
Im sent on lot 2:22
keet-vlot 3:36
Affection stand contribution upon raise touch 1:45
My sky is tight. 1:18
Sake hardened. 1:39
Ninja O' Meter (Brain) :56
Pressure Load Caterer (feet) 1:49
If it was anywhere but here... 2:20
Softly witnessed tributaries 1:14
What we have in store for you. 1:13
No Key available. 2:06
Froj 1:32
Pen lock a cord. :51
Plow Seige People :57
Traded Society for Technology 1:21
Answer Kidge :47
Leasing any lacer 1:27
Chances no longer exist 2:05
!question of intelliline? 3:09
pineapple shotting reel in your mirror 1:37
The moon is a crust of letters 1:25
is/t that it/s? :56
I was looking through the window 1:57
Mathetactics 1:32
Play in the field until nightfall 2:01
Am I here? Am I here too soon? 1:15
re-fad :43
Today & The Years Gone Bye 2:52
off tin :33
Have you ever seen a longer longer? 2:05
Sliding Moderation 1:14
Shew Shadow :42
Fickle Illusion 1:02
A building lake 1:11
Candle whipped battle axe 1:28
Satellites Zooming In 1:11
Settlers camping in noman's land 1:58
grow wind. grow 1:45
ccxol 2:20
ond & offd 1:41
More Sound Without Effect 2:55
egdrib 1:43
Return 1:57
depositCE 1:14
Catching Up in Perfection 2:00
Greatest Sequels 1:28
None the Same 2:50
The Advent of Thunder 3:39

MARS Epics

Episodes of Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?

Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?
Food Dood Christmas Adam Special

Piemerican Magazine Issues

Video Games


Photo Galleries

Leisure Parkland
Leisure Parkland
Melody's Down Home Southern Baby Shower
Melody's Down Home Southern Baby Shower
Ramily Circus
Ramily Circus
Photos 2012
Photos 2012
The Big Onion
The Big Onion
My Dad's 62nd Birthday at Work & More
My Dad's 62nd Birthday at Work & More
Water Cube
Water Cube
Horsefeathers & Applesauce!
Horsefeathers & Applesauce!
Cordova Snow Fun
Cordova Snow Fun
Photos 2011
Photos 2011
Games New Years Play
New Years Play
The Love Fell Like Leaves
The Love Fell Like Leaves
Photos of Swingn' Lovers!
Photos of Swingn' Lovers!
Photos 2010
Photos 2010
Meadow View Charms
Meadow View Charms
Robert Randolph & The Family Band
Robert Randolph
Saying it without a Thousand Words
Saying it without 1,000 Words
What My Chick & I Saw
What My Chick & I Saw
Some Things Afoot
Some Things Afoot
Golfulating IX- Disc Golfulating
Golfulating IX Disc Golfulating
Golfulating VIII
Golfulating VIII
The Battle for #4
The Battle for #4
Snow Show
Snow Show
Photos 2009
Photos 2009
I saw the light.
I saw the light.
Star & Micey Live at Otherlands, Memphis, TN
Star & Micey w/ Emperor MAR at Otherlands
Henderson's Waiting
Henderson's Waiting
Trapped in a Produce Bag
Trapped in a Produce Bag
Before Photoshop
Before Photoshop
May Day
May Day
Piemerica 10th Anniversary Sadebration
Piemerica 10th Anniversary Sadebration
The Years Gone By
The Years Gone By
Moving On
Moving On
Lake Ship
Lake Ship
Lamp Head
Lamp Head
Photos 2008
Photos 2008
Metal Morrow
Metal Morrow
Star & Micey Live at American Apparel, Memphis, TN
Star & Micey at American Apparel

Photos 2007
Photos 2007
Christmas Ape Goes to the Moon
Christmas Ape Goes to the Moon
Warm Shower
Warm Shower
Lesson Mania!
Lesson Mania!
Star & Micey Mid
ED Wed
ED Wed
The Watcher
The Watcher
P. E.
Mi Familia
Mi Familia
Muddy Waters
Muddy Waters
Playing A Ground
Playing A Ground
Tae Kwon Dumb
Tae Kwon Dumb
Michael & Lori The Wedding
Michael & Lori The Wedding
Corey & Chantelle The Wedding
Corey & Chantelle
The Wedding
Earning Stripes
Earning Stripes
Photos 2006
Photos 2006
Homes & Hearts
Homes & Hearts
No Parking
No Parking
Sticks & Stones
Sticks & Stones
The Bookster
The Bookster
Trampoline Terror
Trampoline Terror
Golfulating VII
Golfulating VII
Wonder & Time
Wonder & Time
Golfulating VI
Golfulating VI
Glen Phillips Newby's, Memphis, TN
Glen Phillips
at Newby's,
Memphis, TN
Working Together For a Better Tomorrow
Working Together For a Better Tomorrow
Relative Things
Relative Things
Golfulating V
Golfulating V
Golfulating IV
Golfulating IV
Golfulating III
Golfulating III
Golfulating II
Golfulating II
Muchos Tacos
Muchos Tacos
Perpetual Change
Perpetual Change
April 22, 2005
April 22, 2005
Chump On A Log
Chump On A Log
April Fool(s)
April Fool(s)
Emperor MAR: The Beard. The Face.
The Beard.
The Face.
Photos 2005
Photos 2005
Rose Garden Dream July 3-5
Rose Garden Dream
July 3-5
Rose Garden Dream June 26
Rose Garden Dream
June 26
Partially Sanctioned Official Piemerican Party
Partially Sanctioned Official Piemerican Party
Photos 2004
Photos 2004
Tree Farm
Tree Farm
Tripple Seven Joenan
Tripple Seven
Tripple Seven (The Joe Legend)
Tripple Seven
(The Joe) Legend
Punch My Cat in the Face
Punch My Cat in the Face
Graduation Photos
Graduation Photos
Photos 2003
Photos 2003
Photos 2002
Photos 2002
Photos 2001
Photos 2001
Photos 2000
Photos 2000
Photos 1999
Photos 1999
Photos 1996-98
Photos 1996-98
Photos 1992-95
Photos 1992-95
Photos 1990-91
Photos 1990-91
Photos 1987-89
Photos 1987-89
Photos 1985-86
Photos 1985-86

Piemerica Christmas Catalogs

Piemerican Elementary Knews

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