Saturday, December 31, 2016
Don’t throw your hands in the air, because
you’ll have nothing to catch them with.
Don’t put a screen door on a submarine or a regular marine.
Don’t put your elbow in hot water. It won’t turn into macaroni.
Don’t paint your trees orange, just wait til fall.
Don’t try to wring out concrete after rain.
Don't choose the "career path" of mime narrator for the blind.
Don’t be Phobos phobic.
Don’t use hot sauce to water your pepper garden, that’s cruel.
Don’t buy used saran wrap.
Don’t milk your chickens until after the magical fairy turns them into
Don't refill your squirt pistol at a bank's water fountain.
Don’t sleep with your hair in blender because people prefer to make
shakes in the morning & you might have to wake up earlier.
Don't go out skipping stones on water.. that's in a glass.
Don't be as quick & clean & efficient as an underwater
catapult catapulting loose mayonnaise.
Don't use hamburger buns as spanx, people will think you don't digest
gluten so well.
Don't dunk your dimples in dip because one for each cheek is a double
Don’t spike the football after a touchdown, spike a volleyball, it is
way cooler. And people will be like, “Where was he hiding that
volleyball?” Clue: Hide a pump in your pants over your shins, hide the
deflated ball in your pants over your buttocks.
Don’t keep your extra oars chained to the bottom of the ocean.
Don't legally change your name to Collingston Fakesworth III. No one
will believe you, not even me, and I gave you the idea for the name.
Dream bigger, don't settle for a solid gold house, get a liquid gold
house. It is way more expensive to obtain, maintain, contain, &
the other tains.
Don’t bring snowballs to a fireball fight, in fact just stay away from
fireball fights all together.
Don’t hug a car while it’s moving, unless what it's moving is your
Don’t buy a real snow man at a Christmas tree lot unless you live on
the same street as the lot.
Christmas Eve is like Halloween night for burglers, they get to go
house to house & eat the cookies you leave for Christmas Jones.
Don't decorate your bathroom rug with Christmas lights.
Don't throw out your Christmas trash, instead burn it & sell it
on Ash Wednesday. Christmas ash is extra holy.
Don’t choke a lemon or you’ll get citric acid in your eye.
Don’t recycle mouthwash in your commune.
Cars, don't drink & drive. You should only drink gas while
Don't trust people who claim to be tolerant by saying, "I don't see
color" because that means they only see in black & white.
Don't crush a can on your head.. unless it's an aluminum can.
December Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you wind for helping me keep a cool head.
Thank you coat for warming my heart.
Thank you Christmas for keeping my mind on the present.
Thank you toast for keeping my feet toasty when I wear you as shoes.
December Think About it Thursdays
Chicken bones? What do bones have to be afraid
Which inanimate object would you be least concerned to find in your
Who would you rather see locked in a zoo, your uncle or a monkey's
Would you rather break your neck or neck your break?
What were your 7 favorite Thursdays of the year?
December Friday's Feelings
I feel like a mop made of spaghetti &
a bread stick handle mopping up marinara. I also feel like eating that
I feel like an envelope filled with Monopoly cash being slipped under
the kitchen table as a bribe.
I feel like a black cardboard cutout laid on the floor as a shadow for
another cardboard cutout.
I feel like Street Nicholas having his resume mistaken for Saint
I feel like the color blue trying to rebrand its image to make lots of
green like green has.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Back in my Christmas Eve day the mayor would catapult
reindeer across town to help rich families believe in Santa &
give poor families free reindeer meat for January.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Success is 50% inspiration, 50% perspiration,
& 50% being good at math.
If your steam powered motor device has manual backup power you can run
out of steam twice.
Using a yardstick to measure campfire height causes it to become
4 has a 2 2.
There is no 5 second rule in space because nothing ever falls on the
A picture is worth a 1000 words but a picture of 1000 words is worth
6000 words, because synonyms.
If you juggle trashcans do it with the lids on so the 7 dwarves won’t
It's all fun & games until someone gets hurt. Then it's 8
of hushed silence while someone is carried off the field. Then it's all
fun & games again.
9 out of 10 dentists recommend giving into peer pressure.
Countdowns predictably always end at 1. Countups however hold the
mystery & tension of potentially going on forever.
Turning it up to 11 is cool but clocks turn it up to 12 TWICE A DAY.
If you run out of time you’ve run too fast
Bill collectors have due diligence.
Cash registers… and so does being broke.
Turn any ordinary kitchen table into a multiplication table by using it
A half a candle is still a candle. A half an orange is still an orange
but half a ball is not a ball at all.
There are 17 ounces in a baker's fluid pound, and 201 years in a
Additionally bakers refuse to vote until they turn 19. A boxer who is
also a baker may fight 1lb about his weight class. Bakeries frame their
1st 2 dollars made, and bakers' cats have 10 lives
The number 18 is the one after 17 & waaay before 1,496.2.
If you're ever chased by 19 goats with sticks, it's probably a dream.
Your aspirations are admirable.
The best favorite number is or is an anagram of 9,876,543,210.
The reason it's harder to remember things when you're older is that you
have to remember your age & bigger numbers take up more space
Carry around 22 straws with you so if someone says, "That's the last
straw!" You can say, "Actually, great news! I've got plenty of extras!"
You are 23 times more likely to be swallowed by a whale than swallowed
by a bug. #FakeMathIsFun And if you try to swallow a swallow you're
gonna choke! #ChokingIsNotFun #LearnTheHeimleich
Make a list of 24 reasons you're thankful for days being 24 hours long.
If it takes you 25 or more hours to complete the list, throw it away in
If your bowling ball suddenly has more than 3 holes it was abducted by
The time to visit online forums is when you've said four "ums" about a
Don’t hand out cabbage coupons at the hardware store.
If you can draw a sausage that means it's still alive!
If you refuse to acknowledge leap day instead subtract 1 second from
every 30 minutes of everyday for 4 years.
Scientists did in fact invent a gigantisizing ray but linguists kept it
from seeing public light because they couldn't reach a consensus on
what to call a gigantisized inchworm.
November Selfesque Sundays
I've got a good memory. I'm great at
remembering th.. th.. th.. how does the rest of that word go?
I don't know about you but I don't like to claim I know what others
I have serious allergies. I try to tell my sneezes jokes & they
won’t have it.
November Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you beef for never chickening out on me.
Thank you ground for being there to catch me when I fall.
Thank you drive thrus for always listening to me, except between the
hours of 11 PM-6AM. Hours may vary. Consult your local fast food door
Thank you heptagon for not being a square.
Thank you shoes for walking out on me.
Thank you wrist ligaments for holding my hand.
November Think About it Thursdays
If it's not a fun fact then how do you know it?
Why do you refuse to use refried beans in your bean bag chair?
If you found a lost oven out in the cold would you find a warm outlet
for it to plug into?
Some? Alla ya? C’mon, which one is it Somalia!?
November Friday's Feelings
I feel like a ghost that can't fly or swim
stuck in a row boat.
I feel like a bean bag chair filled with cooked rigatoni instead.
I feel like a lunchbox made out of stone filled with loose pudding
& locked sandwiches.
I feel like a catapult dangerously pulting rotisserie blue whale over
the border into a hungry nation.
When I'm in Delaware
I use my silverware
To eat from tupperware
I wear my dinner ware
I don't get thinner there
I sit in my chair
& I say a prayer
When I'm in Delaware
Monday, November 28, 2016
They can put a man on the moon, but they can't film a decent moon
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Weigh It Wednesday
World War III
Pessimistic view: @#☼% it's World War III!!!
Optimistic view: If we survive this war, it's gonna make for some
awesome movies & video games.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Oddtober III Lessons🎓
You are weird if you're afraid of ghosts.. not
able to find good jobs in this economy.
You are weird if you carry cash in your wallet.. in case someone needs
exact change for a ransom.
You are weird if you put up gory Halloween decorations.. for a funeral.
You are weird if you'd like to travel back in time to before sliced
bread was invented to sell toasters
It is weird to equate burying chicken bones to zombie chicken farming.
You are weird if you set up a neighborhood watch that neighbors can
sign out if they want to wear it.
You are weird if you feed your hippo boxes of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
It is weirder to take the finger than it is to give the finger, unless
you’re a sharp toothed beast that doesn’t have fingers.
You are weird if you've ever received death threats.. offline.
You are weird if your house has a dirt floor so you can dig your way
out if you ever go under house arrest.
You are weird if you think pastrami can substitute for deodorant.
Being dressed by a team of monkeys isn’t as weird as being addressed by
a team of monkeys.
You are weird if your favorite flavored floss is habanero.
You are weird if you walk your dog.. into a swimming pool full of
marshmallows skewered on cacti.
You are weird if you think clouds rarely drop rain because most of the
time the cloud throws it up hoping it will fly into outerspace.
You are weird if you think leaf laden areas with “No Raking” signs have
catapults hidden in them.. or maybe you're onto something there.
You are weird if your two person Halloween costume is you dressed as a
steaming hot bowl of edible soup & the other person as a spoon
Watching a documentary on shelf life isn’t as weird as watching a
documentary on the life of a shelf.
Taking a milk blot test is weird but crying over a milk blot test is
It is weirder to test drugs than it is to take a drug test. But it
isn’t weird at all to take a drug test after testing drugs.
You are weird if you have skeletons in your closet because you're
hoping to start a museum.
You are weird if you use the hands of an analog clock as a very very
lazy susan for single grains of rice.
You are weird if you feed the homeless but only so you can follow them
afterwards & find out where they go #2.
You are weird if you say you run marathons, but in reality you've only
served in a secondary administrative capacity for a single fun run..
& it wasn't that fun.
You are weird if you demand your pancakes be stacked side by side like
records in a jukebox because it's easier to get them syrupy.
You are weird if you like to leave letters addressed to your mailman in
your mailbox just so he knows you know where he lives too.
You are weird if you befriend vegans just so you can say "where's the
beef?" more often.
You are weird if you say things like, "the cactus doesn't fall far from
the guy who was carrying the cactus," & "Don't worry, because
will be brief, Canadian luau brief."
Overusing the word figuratively is literally weirder than overusing the
word literally. "Chicken soup is figuratively my favorite food,
figuratively!" "Be careful with that! You could figuratively knock your
You are weird if you use spider webs to create the illusion of floating
You are weird if your job is to help chickens cross roads without
asking no questions.
Selfesque Sunday October
My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago & it is still
Good luck staying literate. I forget how to read all the time.
Gram crackers don’t fill me up.
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was
stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a
October Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you car for regularly moving my heart.
Thank you sticky bullet belt for sticking a round.
Thank you colonoscope for touching me deeply.
Thank you nerves for understanding my feelings.
October Think About it Thursday
Which is your favorite color of milk, white or off-white?
Which inanimate object would you give a ticklish property to?
If today were your last day on earth.. would you still wear shoes?
What is the tallest tree you've ever smeared in artificial hippo blood?
October Friday's Feelings
I feel like giving a swordfish a greeting card that is shaped like a
I feel like getting a hair cut just to warn the others of my upcoming
I feel like rowboats get a bad wrap at Christmas time.
I feel like firing my writer & hiring my left hand because he
works for less pay.
Friday, October 28, 2016
Piemerica's 18th Anniversary
I Will Live in The Disappear
How many balloons must I drop… into the air?
How many tables must I stop, from turning infinite years?
How many clocks must wear cloaks to soothe my tired ears?
The world keeps turning, it over turns
And I will live in the disappear
The new sound of silence
The unfound profound
After I've known you all
Still an empty room
Why can't we both be tall?
I notice you
I know this too
And I will live in the disappear
The world keeps turning, it over turns
Dropping my thoughts into the air
Watching them burst with no recoil
I dye a lot, so many colors, a beggar's truce
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
I Trusts Rap
Let's banter about complex simple & grantor
Moving through the forms like a panther
Distributing to the beneficiary
This might be October but it's not scary
The information worksheet is fiduciary
Want more information check the library
Or ask us a question since we're done
Please don't run
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Text Review of Shinobi on 3DS
Monday, October 17, 2016
The Bee's Expertise
I'm a worker bee come on & twerk with me
Put your stinger in the air like you don't care
If it hits them in the eye or the derriere
I'm a worker bee come on & twerk with me..
Saturday, October 15, 2016
New, properly cropped, comic scans. Songs from soundtrack play on each
episode's page. Full
series PDF availble in original formatting.
Friday, October 14, 2016
If you can't rhyme with one, ya done
If you can't rhyme with two, your through
If you can't rhyme with three, gee
If you can't rhyme with four, you're a bore
If you can't rhyme with five, you're not alive
If you can't rhyme with six, shine my kicks
If you can't rhyme with seven, skip to eleven
If you can't rhyme with eight, wash my plate
If you can't rhyme with nine, you're not fine
If you can't rhyme with ten, start again
If you can't rhyme with eleven, see seven
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Added Pages for Piemericomic,
Humans, & Bitstrips
Does anyone else remember that time when cobras broke into existence
& kept existin forever?
Monday, October 3, 2016
Back in my day you could answer the phone by saying, “This phone is off
Sunday, October 2, 2016
In a post-apocalyptic world, Yule seeks revenge on a evil gang of biker
ninjas. Created as a page a week series by Wiscers Comics in 1997.
Friday, September 30, 2016
Your birthday suit is a space suit made out of
Don’t settle for polyester candy.
Pollution wishes it could be friends with real clouds.
If you have a mixed bag it probably wasn’t mixed by stirring.
The real reason people used to work hard all day was because their
furniture sucked. People haven't become lazier we just got La-Z-Boys so
we can enjoy the greater joy in life.
The left side of your brain wonders if you will ever return to find it
in this lost & found.
I've got a 4 year old that used a 4 finger discount on my heart.
If red carpets became famous, it would be cruel of them to walk the red
Don’t make your islands out of toast, they will get soggy &
Unlike automatic stuttering, manual stuttering is rude.
The invisible boxes that mimes are easily trapped in will open if the
A search party is very inconsiderate unless it is later followed by a
You can’t smudge fire.
If you can’t deal it may be because of an ordeal.
The unsuccessful precursor to roller skates was toe trucks. The problem
with them is that they couldn’t tow the rest of the foot
The color green appears in all the great movies from the past 50 years
that is why it is allowed to be the color of money, because it is so
rich from being a movie star.
It’s not advisable to verbally impersonate Frankenstein’s Monster on a
phone call without prior warning.
When is something actually more than you can shake a stick at? When it
is something that engulfs you.
A stone cold ice cube melts feverously.
The only thing people will cheer while dancing on a grave is a bear.
If you believe in a flat earth, maps are also globes.
Owning a moon rock is only good if you don’t get the rock as a result
of the moon exploding.
Hopping in the pool is slowest & lowest form of hopping.
Halt words lead to passwords.
The title of an undertaker for a graveyard of drowning victims is an
No one has ever done Good Cop, Bad Cop. They are actually always doing
Good Cop, Bad Cop, & Cop that missed work that day for personal
To wash echoes throw soap suds into the air after yelling.
It’s a good thing naming games after the console they're on stopped
with Nintendo 64. If it didn't we'd have Street Fighter 5 4 on
Playstation 4 & Street Fighter 5 One on Xbox One.
When you walk into a room & smell pickles but don’t see any
say, “Who’s been having an invisible sliced pickle fight in here?”
Holy water wishes it was used as an explicative.
There are no invisible shadows.
Add meaning to picking up litter by donating it to a hoarder.
Socks have to be pulled off or cut off. If your socks get knocked off
so do your feet.
Comedy is medicine for the heart & candy for the brain.
Only heroes take candy from babies because candy isn't good for a
Adventure never awaits you, it’s off adventuring. It ain’t got time fo
You may think bullying is bad today but the reason old guys wear their
pants so high is so they aren't targets for wedgies.
A great thing about the late 90s is that every year sounded like it was
on sale, especially 1999.
Echoes are imprisoned by the sounds of the past… but for only like 3
When you're a biologist the skeletons of your great grandparents count
as an inheritance.
September Selfesque Sundays
If wearing the pants in the family is such a
big deal, how come wearing pants at work doesn’t make me the boss there?
I feel like there is a market for dog chairs because I walked by a
market with all these little chairs with cartoons on them & I
know what else would fit into them. Oh, maybe those are chairs for
kids. No, not goats, human children.
I'm a weird o. I'm sort of shaped like an O but there's no hole in my
I like a nice crab cake, those mean ones are always trying to choke me
when I eat them.
September Monday Night Memories
Back in my day there weren’t any ghosts
nobody had died yet. The 1st guy that became a ghost surprised
scared us so bad that he vowed to make all future ghosts uphold the
ghost code, “To never to appear to the living.”
Back in my day the only tablets we read were the loose ones in the
Back in my day the only servers people wanted to connect to worked at
Back in my day the only person who would load web sites was Spiderman.
September Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you eyes for seeing things from my point
Thank you red marker for never making me feel blue.
Thank you elbow for giving me some body to lean on.
Thank you GPS for pointing me in the right direction.
September Weigh It Wednesdays
I lost my swimming hammer!
Pessimist View: That thing has sunk to the bottom of the sea; you’ll
never get it back.
Optimist View: It’s a good thing that hammer can swim, it’ll make it to
shore in no time!
The power went out while I was juggling knives indoors.
Optimistic View: So what, I’m blindfolded.
Pessimistic View: I can’t juggle the electric knives without the sound!
My toaster is missing.
Pessimist View: It was stolen!
Optimist View: Cool! I wish I had a toaster with an invisibility
button. I’d be cracking up while people are like, “Where’s that toast
smell coming from?” AND I could hide my 2 pieces of emergency bread in
there instead of having to carry them in my shoes!
September Think About it Thursdays
Which is your favorite non-fictional ninja
turtle move, the disappearing reverse punch or the disappearing reverse
Can I borrow your inflatable pool abacus?
What food do you use as the head of your Spoontopus?
What was your most cherished childhood test?
If you could remove any 7 colors from the rainbow which ones would you
September Friday's Feelings
I feel like a buoyant rock enjoying the
I feel like tripping on an invisible stoop.
I feel like wearing sunglasses made of ice cheese.
I feel like high "fiveing" a hand saw but not so hard that I can only
high four afterwards.
I feel like eating pancakes on the moon.
September Memba Whens
Does anyone else remember that week when go
carts were called stop carts because they went on strike?
Does anyone else remember the chicken that laid the golden eggs
& its chicks that were made into chicken gold nuggets?
Does anyone else remember when tacos could walk the streets in peace
without being eaten?
Does anyone else remember when everybody had four legs except for the
other half of everybody who had no legs?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
A Puckett Noctobadge keeps cops from sleeping.
new homing pie finds your face when you’re hungry. Fire pauses ellipses
fractals in undersky moons.
Desks & crime scissors vaccinate hollow varnish tomatoes. My
disfavorite outgredient. No Noam gnomes need nacho neglect. Staleness.
Can clown cars be made into mobile homes? Alphabet soup & soggy
crosswords. Night knives glow in the lard & in the dark
the Shockolate® lard. RR R&R. No sound costumes. Lips with
ingrained vocal boxes aren’t room temp with whistling. Lean on water.
Tear or? Tear or? Six sheathes buttering.
Walk mix level, rovering. Cardboard marching band loses tension while
marching through pond & dismusically float away with no
Open umbrella in an envelope doesn’t keep the envelope dry. Dry water
far out of a wheelbarrow, in sub-mid-air, then below-air &
Owning the wrong half of the world’s Velcro with Fabrishe elbow
juggling. An evening stroll through trip wire. Rowing down the window
on the row boat. Your diaper vest will drown you. A pair of cawing
lumber. Left finger on right hand. Right finger on left hand. No with
no oh, a no oh no.
Calmerness float flop spiral general. Uninitiated mop who made ground
envelopes nervous. My computer hit the mother-load 3 weeks ago
it’s still loading. A face fire nudge loner-lapsed. Nomenclature
barrage!! The Tearer Terror rips things up & down! He even rips
sideways if you anger him by nanana looping forced texture fields. A
buyer of not hovers; claws waverly bundling, not arms, not eyes.
A van of sauce crashes into spaghetti canyon. A helicopter with noodle
blades crashes too. The crashing cooks it. Fire roasted tomatoes!
The sun rises over Cabbage Mtn & things begin to smell.
Freeze dried then fire wetted caramel broccoli. Artificial nodding.
Cousin bird in the wrong tree. Periscope knives in 3D.
A cat got my tongue as it flew by in a tornado. I wish my tongue was
stronger so it could have saved him & so I’d still have a
3 knights in the jungle, at least they have shade.
Tremulant anti-voxel diatribe spork. The Leaping Nudge. Overalls made
of long johns.
Plastallic mitten salad or am I eating without a fork?
Putting crayons in an envelope into the summer mail to create abstract
I’m not banging my head but I’m falling down as if I were.
Why doesn't Roomba make a moebile mop like the ones in Fantasia?
You look like you fold capital Hs real well.
Elk running towards backwards. A 9 collar rack of pugilist scarves. A
frosted bark team acknowledged druthersless microphones. Kneeling while
pushing a shopping cart to curry favor & buggy curry. Owl runs
putty. Walking camera in desert make of toaster-leave-ins. Wonder peel
night kelp. Cookabur floating in a bubble. Height light spanning chili
Washing needles, deep pool is a portal. Water wings nosh. Buried
satellite in space. Being private to ourselves. Loose leaf soap. Tinsel
toothbrush. Off duty mop. Nudging wiggles. Terraformed clock.
No one in the barn, just threes here. I wish you well because bottled
water is ecch! I hope you keep 5 numbers in your back pocket &
of them are 5. Carrots in the fridge as decorations. Weather stripping
mall. Spell your middle initial starting with the 3rd letter. The
boring bowling ball in the wind.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Friday, September 23, 2016
Clipart Commentary IX🎥
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Animal August Lessons🎓
Which came first the chicken or the egg? They
came at the same time. The egg can't hatch without a chicken to warm it.
Survival tip: Any animal who runs from you as you hold up BBQ sauce is
Whale owners would have the best pools if they’d get those dumb whales
out of there so we’d have room for a swim.
Lemmings would seem less dumb if they wore falcon hoods.
Clams are a terrible pillow stuffing.
Crabs shrunken by wizards don’t use pasta as shells because no one
wants to live inside a wet noodle.
It is difficult to think on the fly without squishing the fly but it is
still safer than thinking on the bee with no shoes.
Feather dusters are actually only meant to be used on knick knack birds.
If you teach a man to fish make sure he doesn't live in the desert.
The best place to abandon your pets is a petting zoo.
A live hornet burrito may not be the spiciest food but eating it makes
your mouth hurt more than the hottest of pepperdas.
Earthworms are actually the only native Martians.
Dried snails taste great with snail sauce, improves the texture too.
People may differ regarding their opinion of scapegoats but everyone
agrees that fire escape goats just get in the way & needlessly
humanity millions of lives each night.
The reason parrots whistle “phe ew” after they talk is because they are
relieved that you didn’t bully them about their accent.
Ants are army, farmy, & red alarmy.
Dogs are man's best friend because dogs can't talk.
Save money on dog food by having a drone walk your dog to eat out of
other dog’s bowls.
If you’re throwing a birthday party for a shark, throw it into the sea.
Stop building memorial tombstones for roadkill with fake human names
& putting them into graveyards. I wreck into several dozen
oversized ones each day.
Sloths living outside of captivity are considered wild animals.
If your fish dies stick a toothpick tree into his belly to create
During the next Shark Week all board games will allow shark pieces that
can eat other players.
The reasons humans are the top of the food chain is because we are the
only ones who can craft chains or espouse hierarchies.
A bear skin ceiling fan catches even more dust.
Bald eagles aren’t endangered, there are just a lot of them that fool
us by wearing awesome toupees.
Don’t build your hen house on a trampoline.
In every zoo the animals fight to the death nightly in a tournament
until there is only one left. There are caged animals below the zoo
that get released into the exhibits every morning to replace the old
Evening lightning bugs are bugs of no storm.
Flamingos always dress as plastic flamingos for Halloween. Or do they?
To people who wear jackets in the summer: Do you know how many cold
poor people there are in Antartica? None! You gotta be rich to go to
Antarctica! Penguins ain’t free!
August Selfesque Sundays
I enjoy long walks on the beach because the
footprints make it easy to find my way back.
My trench is always too big for a trench coat to fit it. Stupid
Hollywood sizes discriminating against extra large all American
I'm ninety-nine percent sure that no one is ever a hundred percent sure.
My spellchecker keeps trying to get me to stop spelling Fwiday with a
W. Wwell screww it! I lovve douuble Uu’s.
August Monday Night Memories
Back in my day the only high definition we had
was the definition of high in the dictionary.
Back in my day the only pokémon you could catch was a Jamaican cactus
& nobody wanted to catch that!
Back in my day people hoarded trading cards.
Back in my day men & women knew their place.. earth. Then the
astronauts came along..
Back in my day the only time we said 2016 was when answering the
question, “How many pounds are in a ton, & how many ounces are
pound?” “2000! 16!”
Back in my day restaurants would not only sing to you on your birthday
but also on your half birthday & even your 1/12 birthday if you
requested it. Sadly the “Happy 1/12 Birthday” song is as lost as the
years of our lives, only a memory to those who still know how to sing
it & have written down the sheet music to it & have
their performance of it to YouTube.
August Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you stairs for giving me the necessary
steps to take.
Thank you blood for touching my heart.
Thank you barricades for keeping me on the right path.
Thank you gravity for keeping me grounded.
Thank you neck muscles for keeping my chin up.
August Weigh It Wednesdays
I dropped a piece of candy & can't(dy)
Pessimistic View: The 5 second rule doesn't use Venusian
Optimistic View: Lost loose candy is the only kind of candy
God allows angels to eat.
The fork ran away with the spoon
Optimistic View: Time for corndogs!
Pessimistic View: If I can't catch a fork & spoon I'm
really out of shape!
Your heart feels heavy
Pessimistic View: I feel sad.
Optimistic View: I feel like donating blood!
Your Sandwich was stolen
Pessimistic View: Oh great, now I need 2 heroes.
Optimisticer View: Good, because I can stand to lose some weight, too
bad it'll mostly be water weight from crying. Ooh-hohohoho! *blows nose*
You found the dead body of a mafia member.
Pessimistic View: It’s a shame that dapper pin stripe suit can’t be
Optimistic View: At least he died doing what he loved... leaving a
August Think About it Thursdays
Why won't you stop eating laminated toast in
If funner is not a word then how did you just read it?
What is nature's soup pot? How many species have gone extinct because
How many invisible coats are you wearing this summer?
August Friday's Feelings
I feel like a nodding chimp powering a paint
I feel like a barrel of monkeys.. going over a waterfall.. at a splash
I feel like I just used chain mail as a towel.
I feel like a cacti wearing a tight coat.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
1st Weekend Memba
Does anyone else remember that time when all those angels fell from
heaven & guys immediately started hitting on them?
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of August 14-20, 2016🏃
1. Call the medic! And tell him he has the day off.
2. Sneak into a clothing store, read the tags & wash anything
says it should be washed before worn, then return the clothing at dawn.
3. Invent sticky corn so any tube can become a corn cob. A whole new
kind of corn dog! Or even a corn corndog!!
4. Create ice cream scoops from the tub for family convenience
store them in a Tupperware® brand container.
5. Convince dust that it doesn’t need to settle.
6. Untie the shoes of the friends you’re trying to set up so they both
trip together & hopefully fall in love.
7. Buy Christmas decorations for 2018-2022 because those years
Christmas will lose the war on Christmas & be replaced by
II: The Giftening, Directors Cut Cut! Cut!!
Thursday, August 4, 2016
It's not a living
My eyes can't see in the darkest timeline
And you won't give me what is mine
I play my harp as other angels die
Take my life & throw it in the feed
No one hears me whispering
I don't want to lift my head
If it's not easy I'll surely swallow blood into my heart, dumb in my head
Stop listening to the gears turn
It is the grind & I'm not the wind
I won't live life while working
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Julyfe Hacks Lessons🎓
To save soap & water just wash one
use it to spread the clean to the other.
Can't remember your passwords? Pay someone to remember them for you.
Make sure to give them the password to your bank account too so they
can pay themselves to spare you the hassle.
Dress up as a valet to get free cars.
A leopard can't change it spots but you can change a leopard spots into
Abandon your car in a no parking zone to have it towed away for free.
Leave behind cash at your crime scenes so no one is mad at you for
Shut up mouthy sock puppets by putting shoes on their heads.
To control portion size flip your plate over & eat out of the
rim on its underside.
Need to pop a lot of balloons after a party? Use a bed of nails.
Collect your dandruff to use as decorative snow during the holidays.
To eat less spin around in your desk chair 43 times before lunch.
Need to prop up your cell phone to watch videos? Visit a grave yard
& rob a forearm. Phones fit great between the radius &
Open your microwave after dark to use it as a night light.
Take pictures with random young black people to impress your friends by
claiming you meet a lot of cool underground rappers.
Don't like how your legs look? Pour BBQ sauce into your nylons, put
them on, wear them out & people will say you look "Saucy!"
Need to find where your air mattress is leaking? Fill it up with water
& use a divining rod to find the leaks.
Lost your glasses? Go to one of those nerd conventions they're always
having & wail on some nerds' until you find the right
Got dirty feet from walking around the house? Tip your cat over
use him as a rug. As a bonus he'll enjoy the belly rub.
Is your child scared of the monster under the bed? Have her give the
monster a monster truck & they'll quickly become friends.
Use a t-shirt canon at the laundromat to get your shirts into loads for
A toaster can be used as an alarm clock with a very short snooze.
At your next fiesta fill piñatas with taco ingredients & give
taco salad bowls to catch them.
Bowling balls can be used as wrecking balls for dog houses.
Find someone who has the same name as you & copy their
Because you’ll be forging & not forging at the same time you’ll
have that sweet sweet legal ambiguity!
All soda is club soda if you hit people with the bottle.
A syrupy bowling lane increases the challenge.
Burn onion incense so others will mourn with you.
When you drop a salad it makes an awesome mountain range for small
bugs. If it has that purpley lettuce thing, it makes it feel like
Wear mini-wheelbarrows as rings to have seasonings on the go.
If you bury your beloved dead fish in the desert your heart can pretend
it lived a long life until after all of the oceans dried up. #DeathHack
Calloused fingers are good for shredding cheese.. in a pinch!!
July Selfesque Sundays
I hate how every time I win an award people
my accomplishment & start chanting “Speech! Speech! Speech!”
celebrating humanity’s ability to communicate verbally. Then if I don’t
join the chant they stop & awkwardly mill away.
I lst m kes! N nt thse kes! Tw kes n m kebard.
I've got the strength of a hundred men, a hundred dead men. That's
right I killed them & took their power.
I’ve got a bad short term… … … what was I gonna say?
I love ladles as much as the next guy.. but the previous guy, he hated
‘em! He looks up to the stars every night & shakes his fist at
July Monday Night Memories
Back in my day people who couldn't afford to
bring jello molds to parties brought frog eggs instead.
Back in my day local oafs like me were held in high regard but nowadays
foolish behavior is being outsourced to YouTube & we oafs have
compete with the entire world to get even an abbreviated h..
Back in my day snow dogs lived in clouds & once in a lifetime
one would fall from heaven with the snow.
Back in my day phones didn’t have cameras unless they were spy phones.
July Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you air for always being there for me.
Thank you eyes for always looking out for me.
Thank you elevator for lifting me up.
Thank you brain for letting me think for myself.
July Weigh It Wednesdays
A meteor is hurdling towards earth!
Pessimistic View: We're all gonna die! & I just peed my pants!
Optimistic View: No one cares that you just peed your pants.
Your house is burning down
Pessimistic View: I've lost my collection of antique fireworks!
Optimistic View: This fire makes my house look like the raddest house
on the block!
Your survival bunker fell into a sinkhole.
Optimistic View: If I can get to it down there the bunker is even safer!
Pessimistic View: All that money wasted! What will I do now when the
reverse zombie apocalypse happens?
It’s a sunny day
Optimistic View: This outta help me to stop tripping on all those
Pessimistic View: It’s too bright to look up to dodge all those sky
July Think About it Thursdays
If you could give a eulogy at a funeral for
any.. inanimate object, which would it be & why not?
If chartreuse were not an option, which color would you rename using
What's you're favorite color.. blindfold?
What's the biggest sheep sweater you've ever knit? Why did you knit it
so big? There are no sheeps that big!
July Friday's Feelings
I have more spring in my step than a concrete
I'm sadder than a bag of flour being thrown into a ceiling fan.. that
is turned off.
I feel like a catapult that only throws in the towel.
I feel like goldenrod paper sitting next to a smart phone.
I'm so cold my goose bumps feel like turtle shells with soliduses
painted on them.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
The New Sound of Silence, Full EP Music Video by
Friday, July 22, 2016
I wanna rock right now so I’m gonna go into the street, leave my feet & take a seat.
I wanna rock later while standing in an elevator not with a respirator but maybe with the mash of a tater.
I wanna rock real soon, the expensive kind from the moon, captured from a buggy in a dune.
I wanna rock in a chair on my derriere without out a care except do I need to buy a pear?
I wanna rock at night but I ain’t got the might so I’m lookin for a starry sight to make me feel alright.
I wanna rock n roll but too many people have rhymed with roll so I feel like this rhyme was stole.
Thursday, June 30 , 2016
Soon June II Lessons🎓
Soon shredded cheese will let itself go
Soon the vegetables you refused to eat as a kid will call you from
their deathbeds to thank you for allowing them to lead long, rich lives.
Soon people will not only sneak into movie theaters but also into the
homes of Netflix subscribers.
Soon shadow boxing will be called Wi-Fi punching.
Soon cats will become even lazier. Instead of walking in front of us to
trip us they will bat marbles towards our feet to trip us from afar.
Soon a "Why?" button will appear alongside the Google Search button to
help parents answer their toddlers' questions.
Soon the lion will lay down with the lamb because the nation's zoos
will become overcrowded.
Soon voice recognition software will be needlessly replaced by
expensive typing drones.
Soon the criteria for a species being endangered will be if every
member of the species can fit into a clown car.
Soon the Michelin Man will marry the Goodyear Blimp & she will
balloons as eggs.
Soon humans from another dimension will visit us but because their
dimension is so small, we’ll never know it.
Soon dropping the mic will extend to boom mics & thousands will
Soon dinosaurs will return from outer space to look for a lost set of
Soon Peter Pan will take all of his peanut butter back to Neverland.
Soon some w's mill identify as m's.
Soon other seasonings will be added to the ocean & we’ll all
Soon armies of the world will unite against history's greatest foe,
Soon self-driving cars will try to also learn putting.
Soon people won't think of fries when they see McDonalds golden arches
because the arches look like fries, but because they found out that the
fries are made of the same material as the arches.
Soon firefighters will be overworked when cats start growing on trees.
Soon autocorrect will correct prejudice & bullying. "You mother
appreciating.." "You human angel.." "You are an intelligent advocate
for positive change.."
Soon cruise ships will take vacations in the desert.
Soon staples will take up yoga, causing papers to loosen free &
travel back to their home world of Gazpacho Moncton.
Soon smart phones will become obsolete when super genius phones are
Soon kaleidoscopes will become so popular that people will collide with
each other while walking around looking into them. The impact of the
collision will be so great that it will create a kaleidoscope of its
Soon the hole in the top of traffic cones will have free single scoop
ice cream cones stored in them during winter, as God intended.
Soon heptagons will be replaced with bigons.
Soon the ghosts of tacos will haunt your bowels.
Soon zebras will be arrested for the extinction of unicorns.
Soon after the next major election, riots will become so widespread
that people will be willing to loot lutes.
June Monday Night Memories
Back in my day all puppets were sock puppets
because we wore puppets on our feet.
Back in my day calling The Police always resulted in a Sting.
June Tuesday's Thanks
Thank you legs because you always stand up for
Thank you sky because you're always something I can look up to.
June Weigh It Wednesdays
You broke your leg
Pessimistic View: Now I have to wait until I can frog hop again to
integrate into the toad community for the documentary I'm producing.
Optimistic View: Now I can learn to forge all of my friends signatures!
Top 10 Lists
Optimistic View: Such an efficient way to imbibe opinion, history,
Pessimistic View: Stupid base 10, arbitrary, hyperbole-laden, opinion
based pap! 0100000101000001010100100100011101001000!
June Think About it Thursdays
How many questions can you answer while
reading this question?
Do you make rabbits joust with carrots?
If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be.. that
pays the bill?
What is the weight bearing limit on your wheelbarrow made of
If you had a million dollars.. where would you keep it? C'mon you can
June Friday's Feelings
I feel like a cobra trying to swim up the
stream of a Super Soaker.
I feel like a bus stop on a log raft.
I feel like mayonnaise mixed with Miracle Whip giving birth to packets
of salad dressing.
I'm cheerier than a kite going to the moon.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
1st Selfesque Sunday
I've been writing comedy for 18 years
& boy are
my wrists tired. I was cutting up in class & the teacher said,
you think you're funny eh? Well you're gonna write the word comedy for
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of June 5-11, 2016🏃
1. Make your pig's bed out of bread so it can get used to being a
2. Secretly get copies made of everyone's keys & surprise
with a copy if they ever lose theirs.
3. Travel the planet screwing in light bulbs for all the races of the
4. Show up uninvited to a trial as a surprise "witness."
5. Open your neighbor's mail & put it back in their mailbox
6. Put a treadmill in front of the ordering counter at the donut shop
7. Provide public staircase reviews online by falling down every stair
you come across.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Wordplay May Lessons🎓
A person who doesn't have a will &
keeps all of
his money under his bed has an heir mattress.
If your phone dies, after you recharge it, ask it about the afterlife.
If it doesn't answer, let it die again.
Buy a vice & declare yourself president of it. Now you can be
president & vice president.
The reason the term cell phone won out over mobile phone is because
smart phones make it so we aren't mobile most of the time we're using
Don't write a book. Books can't write back.
Most obesity is due to second hand smoke, second hand BBQ smoke.
If you can't afford to get your daughter a pony, get her a ponytail.
A birthday suit is the only suit you wear by taking off clothes.
Every game room should require you to roll dice before taking steps in
Guys who shave don't like hair in their face.
A bad omen makes you say, "oh man."
Blowing a gasket makes you red in the face.
Don't get wasted but don't get used either.
Few people get to the end of their rope because these days there isn't
a lot of rope hanging around.
Cotton candy is weird because the candy cotton eats is shaped like
cotton. That's like if humans ate meat.
Even the English language is divisive. You're either inside or outside.
You've gotta choose a side!
A traffic pile up could also be called a wreck tangle.
Sometimes when you get thrown under the bus you can come out on the
other side as a mechanic!
Grow a coffee plant in a coffee pot.
Being a parent is a dream, without the sleeping.
Change jingling in your pocket is the sound of a civil war.
Swords are in such great shape, they run through things so easily.
Getting struck by cupids arrow usually leads to non-flying babies
shooting you with love arrows of their own.
Despite having wings parrots can't wing it.
If you don't want monsters to live under your bed always take the top
The video game industry runs by rule of thumb.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten alive.
X marks the spot but B marks the intangible jello mold.
Rubbing salt on someone's wound is bad but rubbing your wound in
someone's salt ain't no picnic with pure white salt either.
Seeing the big picture isn't helpful when the picture is hanging in
front of reality.
Cut grass is lost to the sods of time.
Living on the wrong side of the tracks is better than living on the
tracks, unless you have a robohouse that can move out of the way of
oncoming trains. But living in a robohouse is always the coolest
anyway, especially when you get it to kick in other houses' windows.
If someone takes the wind out of your sails evacuate the bouncy boat!
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Think About it
can't nerds stop
talking about Dungeons & Rings, Force Trek, or Harold Wars? Or
is it Harry
Wars? I can never remember.
Clipart Commentary VIII🎥
Monday, May 2, 2016
Back in my day a bag of chips cost a quarter & a bag of
cost $37.16 because all bags of quarters were sold with 147 quarters in
them & the bag cost 41 cents.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Astonishing April Lessons🎓
The world is filled with creepy skeletons in
disguise & you're one of them!
Hippos are deadly because they aren't lively.
China has more English speakers than the United States, that's why
"Made in China" is never written in Chinese.
A flock of crows is known as a murder & that thing you did to
guy who stopped moving forever, that's a murder too, even though you
didn't see any crows nearby.
Fingernails never stop growing. That means one day they'll be mature
enough to accept you for who you are, someone who has a really itchy
No two snowflakes are exactly alike, that is until they've melted,
after that you can't tell them apart.
I is the shortest word that is typed with only the right hand.
Hundreds of cannibals die of starvation every day but then they are
eaten by the other cannibals so everything works out.
11% of the world is left-handed, 89% is right-handed, 1% is
All porcupines float in water, except the bald ones with holes in them.
The average Kodiak Marmoset laughs zero times a day.
The deathspan of a fruit fly is 1 moment.
A cat's purring doesn't echo in outerspace.
98% of Japanese are cremated, the other 2% are still alive.
"Hello" is a quote from 4,600+ movies.
There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. Why
they're just sitting in the basement is anyone's guess.
Earthworms have 5 hearts. Their Valentine's Day cards are insane.
Slugs have 4 noses & so does the average dad.
The average American never takes a single survey to determine what is
considered average in America.
1 in 400 chickens is a human who was successfully hypnotized into a
full species transition.
The human body is comprised of 80% water, most of which are the tears
we hold back.
The cheese slice was invented in the 13th century & modeled
the sun which was then believed to be a flat square.
Just 23 bars of soap can produce enough suds to fill the entire Grand
Canyon gift shop.
A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime. I bet you
thought they used buckets.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale. Why this
hasn't been made into a video game remains a mystery.
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S that there are real ones.
There are also more plastic ninja turtles than real ones.
There are more clocks in this world than there are hours in a day.
Vegetables grown in Alaska grow gigantic due to longer exposure to the
sun. Vegetables grown on the sun are planet sized & already
Dogs are colorblind. That's why you never see any K9 art critics.
Over 1000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. That number is
expected to rise significantly next month, when flying cars become the
April Monday Night Memories
Back in my day we didn't play cops &
robbers. We just played robbers & giant mother bird.
Back in my day we were so modest that even our parachutes had pants.
Back in my day we didn't have tv shows like Ghost Hunters because
people had the decency to only hunt pre-ghosts.
April Think About it Thursdays
Which of your hands would look better in a wig?
Can you talk to me about French calories being different than Tunisian
April Friday's Feelings
I'm less camouflaged than a geometrically
I'm more full of corned beef than a nite lite choking on a whale
I'm less thrifty than a snow globe built to scale teriyakied
I'm cuddlier than the 3 push brooms that want to finally sweep up
I feel like a wombat taking a Tuvaluan citizenship test while covered
in silly string.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Saturday, April 23, 2016
Rejecting the Sensibilities of Fear
I choke on poison ivy
It is the only plant in this world
I've half a tooth
Not inclined to biting
"Chew on this for a while!"
Too many hands for other loads
They've got their business packed
Here I am when the leaves aren't falling
Flowers only bloom for the florists
Bare sticks, dirty stones
A wordless world of guff
I won't embrace the sensibilities of fear
I'll only play doom by id
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of March 27-April 2, 2016🏃
What was your last random act of kindness?
Larry: I helped an old lady cross the road.. into a euthanasia clinic.
Brianroy: I helped a lady who's car broke down. It was the first time
I'd ever seen a car cry.
Tyler: I held a door open for someone.. at 40,000 feet, there were no
Caleb: I pulled my neighbor out of a snowbank. The bank didn't even
have a freezer, it was a scam!
Mainbwd: I took my wife to dinner tonight, by leading her by the hand
to our dining room table for a meal of Hot Cargo Pockets.
Alex: I helped an elderly woman to her Porsche but she had misplaced
her keys so I hotwired it for her & everything.
airbrush: I gave a bum money today. That a-hole didn't give a crap.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Motivationalish March Lessons🎓
Rome wasn't built in a day, but Lego Rome..
worth a shot!
People who believe "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything" have
already fell for something stupid.
Be yourself so if you become famous you can make twice as much money by
moonlighting as an impersonator of yourself.
What you learn from a loss can be more valuable than what you gain from
a win. But no one learns anything from a tie, except that sports are a
pointless waste of time.
It takes just as much brain power to spell the word sasquatch as it
does to know sasquatches don't exist.
It's not the highest number you can count to that matters but the
highest number you can count on.
It is not the hardest working ant that is remembered but the one that
mysteriously bursts into flames.
In an argument "always" always never means always.
Throw some curvy lines into the wind to pretend to live in a drawing.
Frequently typing "lol" is the cure for hypochondria.
Tomorrow never begins or ends.
The night daylight saving time begins is the ideal night to break your
"latest I've ever stayed up" record.
Even the shiniest toast was once a glitterless piece of bread.
Authors abbreviate their names to save ink in their books so they make
more money from each copy.
Put boxing gloves on a gorillas hands & feet to invent the
hilarious new quadraboxing.
All e's are relative e's. That's why they look so much alike.
The best day to be covertly envious is Street Patrick's Day.
Tragedy strikes because if it didn't knock down all the pins it
wouldn't be a tragedy.
Mysteries are more interesting that facteries.
Collecting snow globes as you travel sure beats collecting regular
If you are invited to participate in a "dramatic robbery reenactment"
don't do it. It's gonna be a real robbery.
All alien abductions are hoaxes perpetrated by short, green, big headed
rapists from another planet.
Aging is genetic. If you don't believe me, talk to your parents
You can be most successful at fly fishing if you use a net made of
double sided tape.
In ye olden days finding your lost phone was easy. You just followed
the cord from the jack to the phone.
If you don't drown your sorrows they'll eventually commit suicide
You can speak to someone from the past by texting them because every
text message received was typed in the past but what is said with the
voice occurs in the present.
The world record for most tetanus shots taken in a fortnight is still
up for grabs. #goals
One of the coolest things about bakeries is that the donut ponchos are
Some like to give homeless people money. Others like to give money a
Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything.. except getting
others to believe in you. You probably won't be able to reverse
reincarnate either or teach a koala to make you a decent boiled salad.
March Monday Night Memories
Back in my day if you saw a clown getting a
you had to switch occupations with it. This resulted in almost nothing
but clown barbers.
Back in my day we kept our clones from asking questions by telling them
that we were adopted twins.
March Think About it Thursdays
How many histograms does it take to walk your
dawg to the 3rd moon of Neptune?
How many chandeliers can you hang in your treeless yard?
Who farmed seeing invisible lights?
How many seasoned criminals does it take to justify the "Take a bite
out of crime burger"?
How many double agents does it take to triple the amount of agents in
that single van outside your window?
March Friday's Feelings
I feel like a self-made man looking at his
I feel like an out of style hat plugged into an orange oven socket.
I'm cloudlier than a spatula returning to Spatula City after the great
I feel like the warning label stuck to a package of labels.
March Survey Saturdays
How many [insert nationality you are least
favorable of here] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
◪ ?/? (Whatever fraction of the body a single hand is)
▱ It depends on if they are alive.
How likely are you to take this survey?
◈ You know the deal, your existence must be ignored.
What is your legal name?
▢ Kettle Jim
Monday, February 29, 2016
Frightful February Lessons🎓
The scary thing about waking up late is that
sleep long enough to see the credits to your dream.
Phantom limbs are even scarier when they wear masks.
The scary thing about forearms is they are the only body part that are
clearly labeled as to what they are for.
The scary thing about your eyes is they can see you but you can never
The scary thing about trees is if you try to kill them they grow back
& out live you.
Don't worry about what other people are
about you. The only
thought anyone ever has about you is, "What do they think of me?"
The scary thing about pharaohs is that the first 14 pyramids were made
out of ice cubes.
The scary thing about toast is if you burn it, it will get its revenge
by ruining your breakfast.
The scary thing about fingers is it only takes one to blow up the whole
The scary thing about bending over in space is that it could send you
into a tailspin.
The scary thing about caves is that one is probably below you right now!
The scary thing about distractions is that they make it so this joke
isn't written very well.
The scary thing about blueberries is they are
sad they want you to eat them.
The scary thing about commas is that they bring everything to a halt.
The scary thing about stars is that they are
cheating on their solar
systems while shining upon us & once their planets find out
this we're in big trouble.
Crocodile tears are scary, especially
most tears are snail tears.
Memories are scary because they keep track of everything you do.
The scary thing about peaches is when they get sad everyone thinks they
are still just peachy.
Bank vaults increase the number of home break-ins by being so secure.
The scary thing about your brain is that it makes a backup copy into a
turnip anytime you confuse radishes with turnips.
The scary thing about hamburgers is that you can get them anywhere,
except the places that need them the most.
The scary thing about standing still for a long time is that a line may
form behind you & you may have to lead them to greatness.
The scary thing about steaks is that when the steaks are high you know
they've been pumped with GMOs.
The scary thing about atoms is that they hid in plain sight for 1,000s
The scary thing about walls when a building collapses is they expect us
to return the favor for leaning on them by "leaning" on us.
The scary thing about dinosaurs is that they actually went extinct by
bullying because all the other animals called them big boned.
Jet powered gloves give the scariest high fives.
The skeleton key to stopping bullying is to give your kid an
intimidating name. No one would dare bully in a school full of kids
named Thanos Norris & Rhonda Xena.
The scary thing about onions is when you hack them to bits, they make
you cry, even if you didn't know them very well.
The scary thing about ghosts is that there is no solid evidence that
they exist.. unless this is the afterlife & we are all the
Finding a spider in the blankets is scary but finding a blanket in the
spiders is a whole nuther kind o disturbing.
The scariest floors are transicerink.
February Think About it Thursdays
Would you rank your day as somewhere between a
kaleidoscope of only oranges & a ziplock bag of water, 6/7ths
If I prefer my closets be painted white on the inside does that make me
a closet racist?
Transmogrify any corn ice lately?
Did you ever meet the shale oil whisperer of saskawaukee?
February Friday's Feelings
I feel like a stack of daffodils used for
currency by butterflies.
I feel like a storm that rains mustard.
I'm luckier than most atomic whale kitten analyzers
February Survey Saturdays
If you could feed 1 sentient hobo a month what
would you require to do it?
▢ A 2 tooth minimum.
❑ Having him prove his sentience by typing 5 random alphanumeric
▱ Food, a gettaway car, & a stayahere car.
◪ Proof of sobriety & financial responsibility as required by
your god &/or conscience.
⊟ A "gentleman's pancake"
⧉ Running into a hobo while having enough money to feed your nobos at
What kind of milk makes you thirstiest?
▣ Space milk
▥ Homemade milk (made from water & chalk)
☑ Moth milk
⊡ The one with the ball peen hammer that says I can't have any more
milk unless I finish my cookies.
I see myself as a went gotter.
☒ Strongly agree to disagree
◪ Wussfully disagree to agree to disagree
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Zora Nixine Reyes
Born February 21st, weighing in at 5 1/2 lbs, she is the 2nd natural
born Piemerican, born just 3 days before Piemerica's 18th anniversary.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of February 14-20, 2016🏃
1. Pick up someone's bill without then putting it down &
at them for having to pay it.
2. Hire an understudy to take your place when you leave your family to
become a fossil model.
3. Catch a tiger by its toe & manicure, manicure faster than
ever manicured before!
4. Stop trying to "give the sun a day off" by lighting yourself on
fire. It's not helping anyone.
5. pRuuf wreid htis centense four m.e
6. Freeze tag people who look really tired.
7. March right up to your boss's office & tell him, "I'm
parade for great bosses. Do you want to come see it? If you're too busy
I'm having someone tape it & I can send you a link to the video
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of February 7-13, 2016🏃
1. Become a nutritionist for cannibals then quit just before
discovering the terrible secret that cannibalism is the healthiest diet
of all time.
2. Tip your waitress twice, first as you're leaving the restaurant,
then as she's leaving the restaurant.
3. Finally record & release your jazz mime album, or just
square photo of you dressed as a mime. No one will know the difference.
4. Replace your roommate's peanuts with packing peanuts to let him know
it's time to move out!
5. Accost a bank teller & volunteer to clean some coins with
ultra-realistic water gun.
6. Treat yo self, to a garden snake salad.
7. Train to become a juggler in case an octomom has to throw you four
of her babies to go save her other four babies.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Unique background art added to each page. Layout width increased.
Created a More page.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Piemerica the Website, 14 Years Online!
We must hold some kind of world record for our ratio of unpopularity to
plethoric size, longevity, & update frequency.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
90s Clipart Commentary🎥
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of January 31-February 6, 2016🏃
1. Teach otters the value of a dollar by feeding them money &
giving them savage beatings until they cough up the cash.
2. Hire snails to seal envelopes.
3. Have a funeral for a dead mobile phone battery, recharge it, then
throw a resurrection party.
4. Feed a biscuit a sausage to delight whoever eventually eats the
5. Give a lifetime's supply of helium balloons to someone who already
has a high pitched voice so they can talk to their dog in secret.
6. Curate push broom statistics.
7. Chop down all the trees in your neighborhood to prevent potential
tornado damage caused by branch avalanches & squirrel hurls.
The great thing about sleeping through
New Year's Day is
that when you wake up, you know you've successfully slept all year long.
The great thing about losing a limb is that you get a phantom limb to
replace it & a phantom limb sounds cooler than a regular limb.
Giving yourself a pat on the back is hard work. The reason you do it is
because you've worked hard. So pat yourself on the forearm instead,
Eyes make everything easier, especially getting poked in the eye.
Nature would love it if we burned down all the trees! I'm referring to
Cousin Nature, because Mother Nature is all like, "Don't kill the
It is fun for people to have thinks about you in their thoughter.
The great thing about ice cubes is that they challenge our perception
Toast is great because you can use it for stubble simulations.
The great thing about hands is that they double as egg holders, if you
have some eggs handy.
The great thing about having big hands is that you can pick up more
debris per bendover.
The great thing about not having big muscles is that you can be a
better spelunker, more easily fitting through tight cave crevices .
The great thing about being distracted easily is that someday you'll
make one special robber very very happy.
Blueberries aren't blue on the inside because they've had good lives.
"This is," I wrote, hoping to be humorous, "the great thing about
The great thing about Darth Vader appearing on products is that it lets
you know which ones to avoid. Someone from the dark side would only
endorse low quality items that ruin your day.
If lack of snacks has you weeping openly, tears are great for
satisfying your salty cravings!
One great thing about having a memory is when it remembers the end of a
A peach is great because it's a fuzzy food that isn't rotten.
Vaults are great because they are more athletic than safes.
Brains are great because they can read this.
The great thing about some pawn shops is that they'll let you hock a
The great thing about July IV is that he's still single, ladies.
A restaurant that delivers steak can drive a steak into your heart.
The great thing about atoms is that you can see them & not see
at the same time
The great thing about walls is that they can't talk!
The great thing about dinosaurs is that they can't make you fat.
The great thing about gloves is that you can give them the finger, in
The great thing about tourniquets is that no one has been named
The great thing about finding poop on the floor is that it raises your
Onions are great because you can throw them at lousy stage actors who
failed to cry during a show to make them cry for real.
The great thing about ghosts is that they will never harm us. The only
reason ghosts exist on earth is because they were too lazy to float to
Hearing is like a mirror if you can hear them
can hear you right? Is that why people yell at movies?
Does LoL stand for soccer?
What is this "ios" I keep hearing about? Is it the cool new way of
I empathize with me. That makes me a good person right?
I feel rougher than transcription of a dog
I feel like a box of crayons that melted from natural causes.
I feel like the star that whispers about hamburger cooking safety in
sentient cows ears.
I feel like hearing bread testimonies about transtoasting.
I feel like lephrchons smoothed out an elephants skin so they could use
it as a 3D water slide.
If you could rate your mood on a scale of 1-7
leaving out 4-6 what would it be?
Who has the most film in their back pockets:
▱ Caged bears.
▣ Solid harmonicas.
⧉ Beans with wishes.
Which superhero has the best toupee?
❑ Punk rock Green Lantern
Fight Promos/Pro-Wrestling Promos (January 'ot 16
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Eyes on the Parting Gift
For a limited time I'd like to rope you all in
For a limited time I'd like to expose your lack of sin
I could just start talking
But there'd be no one to listen
So I'll take my breath
And breathe a silent breath of true love
I've got my eyes on the parting gift
Because the prize only belongs to some
I've got my eyes on the parting gift
I'm in it to spin it, not to win it & I'm alone
For a number of days—zero
I want to live inside your haze
Am I the one who's really missing out
Or are the ones' who are out & "about"
They live all the tertiary things
& yeah they've got wings
But they don't have ears or eyes
They have empty hellos & goodbyes
I've got my eyes on the parting gift
The prize is empty, yet heavy so I won't lift
I've got my eyes on the parting gift
I'm in it to spin it, not to win it & I'm alone here
Isn't everything a
waste in a
I want to be a fire
That wakes up all the tired
I want to take their place
To rest in all of their beds
To take joy in that I don't have to erase.
I want to be a water—that just chills
I want to be a survivor
Of this sick timeline
Where man & machine just mime
Oh how I wish you owned a face
Because then you could look this way
& have anything, to say
Fall, fall from where you can't get hurt
Rise to where your feelings are worth more than these digital chains
Fire, fire burn me now
Because I want to run so fast to get out
Burn us now
Goodbye cool world, cruel world, empty world
Hello inner & outer space
Fill it up, fill it up, fill it up with moon light
The only light but stars at night
I don't want no embers, no
No, no, no, no!
And now there is nothing left!
Nothing to grab, no theft!
I walk on a four second smile
And now, there are no more tunes to sing out
Nothing to laugh about
I will be held by no one, nothing under the sun
And you will choke until there's ringing in your ears
All the lost rings, all the lost rings of beauty
All the lost rings..
You never picked up
So goodbye life
Rife life on almost all sides of the sphere that never rolls
This is the place
Where all these things grow
Where nothing grows
So to you & yours who were always bored
We could have built something from those planks
But now the night is done
And we will never see fun
Tomorrow's a waste
But isn't everything a waste in a wasteland
Doesn't every grain of life leak through our hands
No, no, no, no no no not mine
Too many dents in this car, ahh to drive it
I will make sure we are, out of the private
The news won't give me the blues
Because I'm above tomorrow
The flames won't burn through my shoes
Because I'm above tomorrow!
You won't catch me on guard because I'm not afraid of anything
I'm a protector
Don't want to be a BS inspector
I'm not gonna look for the swallowed rings in the pile of dung
It may be valuable to some
To sift through the crap
I'm gonna sift through love & find the treasures in that!
I will not grow cold
I will not grow cold!
Because I'm above tomorrow!
I'm above tomorrow!
You think you're better than me?
Well I'm glad you can finally enjoy yourself
Stop looking through the wreckage & debris
There's a paradise to your left
You left it
Without being observant
They told you move out or start hurting
I will go toothless from the sweetness
I will go toothless from the sweetness
And I will smile!
And I'm above yesterday
And I'm above today
They are temporary things
Destiny won't tackle me
Because I'm the captain, & I'm the ship, & I'm the ocean!
My Father dwarfs Poseidon
And there's no need for hiding
We are eternity men
Friday, January 29, 2016
Sunday-Monday, January 24-25, 2016
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Pɪᴇᴍᴇʀɪᴄᴀ's 7 R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness
for the Week of January 24-30, 2016🏃
1. Next time you're in line at the grocery haggle down the price for
the person in front of you.
2. R̲o̲a̲m̲ around with free Caesar salads.
3. Label friends' underwear.. with name brand labels. (Doesn't have to
be your friends, just somebody's friends).
4. Come up with break up lines for inanimate objects in case people
begin to embrace ianimateobjextuality. “Look knife this relationship
just isn’t cutting it for me.”
5. Break a habitual hitchhiker's thumb, because a thumb in a cast
stands out more.
6. Try to found the Royal American Society for Lazy People then be too
lazy to do it so society appreciates the true value of lazy people,
that of not founding pointless organizations.
7. Shovel your neighbor's driveway this winter, so they can put a pool
in it this summer.
Friday, January 22, 2016
In those 15 years there have been 2,272 lessons. Today is our 512th
consecutive day with a new lesson. Lesson
section now has a new font & background (1st time the
background has changed since 2002). My pick for greatest lesson of all
time (for laughs & personal reasons):
If a thug
draws a knife
on you wash it off.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Misc January 'ot 16 Piemerica Vines🎥
Monday, January 18, 2016
Page load time, code, & images
system used for video embeds, smaller audio player implemented
Nitpigging - Being
excessively critical & enjoying it, Pigging out on nitpicking
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
What hasn't already been said about.. Iron Man 2🎥
Monday, January 11, 2016
30 year old man talks to himself in different
about his failed internet show [Bonus from Boo! Bub? Boo.
Christmas Adam Special]🎥
90s Clipart Commentary🎥
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Hobby Lobby & a Fourth Word🎥
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
bye to The
Watch it all drain & fray
I want to see the brighter side of yesterday
Make what's real pretend so I can play
When you walk on the other side
You're cured, not feared, & fine
When you ride in the water
You say bye bye, bye bye to the haunters
This is what I want
An at bat for a bunt
The emptiness of blunt
When all the doors are shut
I can't sing these songs
I can't play a thing
Long before I'm done
Hip hip hooray
do I want?
Which smile do I want?
Is it the one for pictures
The one that overcame tragedy
Or the one from pure uninterrupted joy
Monday, January 4, 2016
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Top 30 Lessons of 2015🎓
30. People who live in stone houses shouldn't
29. You are weird if you regularly drive your car.. off a cliff.. as a
28. A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are
very very VERY hungry.
27. If it's true that you are what you eat then don't eat vegetables.
Being a vegetable is not a good thing.
26. It is worse to pass out in the gutter above the house.
25. Soon down on their luck angels will come to earth to sell their
wings as hotwings.
24. The thinker disparages bandanas. The thunker deeply searches Amazon
23. Bone dry isn't dry at all. Bones are soaked for like 80 years.
22. You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever
assumes you are talking about politics.
21. You are dumb if you think the "right to bear arms" is the right to
be cuddled by pandas in a zoo whenever you feel lonely.
20. All computers are nerds except the ones inside of robots, those are
19. You are normal if you wouldn't like to be boiled alive &
aren't too groovy on the idea of being boiled dead either.
18. You are weird if your cell phone has a camera.. that uses flash
17. In the Spider Navy all subs are footlongs.
16. You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play
princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you
could realistically aspire to.
15. The reason college sports teams wear their state's name on their
jerseys is so if they get lost people know what state to return them to
or if they get too drunk or high they know what state to return
14. Soon it will be revealed that all silent prank calls were made by
13. There's more than one way to skin a cat. 3D modeling software for
12. If the dangers of food coloring worries you as a cult leader,
driving a clown car off a cliff is another excellent form of mass
11. You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans
& cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin'
10. A can opener can also be used as a jar opener, if you throw it hard
9. You are weird if you wear many hats at work because it is cheaper
for them to pay you than it is to buy mannequins.
8. Soon smooth peanut butter will be outlawed for wooing people into
7. Life is an egg. Sometimes it's scrambled, sometimes it's sunny side
up, & sometimes it's over easy.
6. You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box
except for yourself!
5. You are dumb if you commit genocide because you think everyone would
have more fun as ghosts.
4. You are weird if you feel embarrassed when your shadow touches other
people's shadows yet you can't help but gawk at how intimate the
shadows get with one another.
3. You are weird if like to play God.. at shuffle board because you can
always win by default.
2. Let us not make frequent wagers of, "If I'm wrong I'll eat my hat"
as an excuse to frequently consume nacho hats.
1. You are weird if you fear death.. will never find a good woman to
settle down with.
Piemerica Font now used in Journals Section
Episodes of Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?
Down Home Southern Baby Shower
Dad's 62nd Birthday at Work & More
New Years Play
Love Fell Like Leaves
of Swingn' Lovers!
Meadow View Charms
Saying it without 1,000 Words
What My Chick & I Saw
Some Things Afoot
Golfulating IX Disc Golfulating
The Battle for
I saw the
Micey w/ Emperor MAR
Trapped in a
The Years Gone
Micey at American Apparel
Goes to the Moon
Tae Kwon Dumb
& Lori The Wedding
Together For a Better Tomorrow
April 22, 2005
Chump On A Log
Sanctioned Official Piemerican Party
(The Joe) Legend
Punch My Cat
in the Face
Piemerican Elementary Knews