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Sunday, December 31, 2017

Don'tcember II Lessons🎓

Don't play twister if your feet are colorblind.

Don't you talk bad about foreigners! My great great grandparents were foreigners & yours probably were too!

Laying down on a bridge is less acceptable than laying down as a bridge.

If the shoe fits, don't wear it unless it's yours or you're trying it on to buy it.

Don't jog your memory. Fun run your memory!

If you really shake a leg when told to shake a leg it'll slow you down.

If you crawl everywhere you go you'll see more bugs because they'll confront you for your unflattering imbugation of them.

If you high five a Don't Walk sign you'll win a secret prize!

Don't get into a wreck unless you're saving someone or something.

If you run the gauntlet you're wearing it on the wrong appendage.

May we not wash our Bastilles in the same sink that we test our mini-catapults.

People who tell you to "get a clue" don't expect much.

Learning is for the birds, if you don't know what I'm talking about go ask a bird.

It's worse to kiss & ask than it is to kiss and tell. "Who did I just kiss?"

If you think, "Machines were born to serve man," you don't think robots reproduce do you? You must know that 1 cheese slice doesn't impregnate another cheese slice until they have enough cheese kids to fill the rest of the package.

People don't like scales because they weigh too much.

Don't settle for seeing something with your mind's eye. Your mind is rad, it can have as many eyes as a spider. See what things look like with 8 eyes!

Sculpting a sphere is a pointless task.

A meeting without eating is like a butt without seating. Sad.

Don't be worried when someone says they're gonna have fun in the sun. They aren't talking about taking a kamikaze rocket into space. They mean fun right in the sunlight.

If you get caught streaking say, "I'm actually dressed up as a mouse because mice don't wear clothes."

Don't imagine loudly, think whispers. Seriously think to yourself in whispers right now. C'mon lazy, just read the rest of this in a think whisper. It's vexingly cumbersome.

Question Marks & question Phillips too, they shouldn't get off the hook. Many societies have come to ruin by not questioning Phillips.

Magician mimes never invite audience volunteers on stage because it's too easy to escape their invisible water tanks.

All that glitters is not gold, so stop investing in glitter!

May we not get to the point where we feign interest in our own words just because someone else is interested in what we are saying.

Remember kids, "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link," so don't try to be a strong link, it won't matter. All of our efforts are worthless! Just give up & start weeping openly.

Don't change your address until your address changes you.

Don't argue with endangered species because they can hit you but you can't hit them.

If you bury your flowers after they die don't put flowers on their grave when you visit it. Not only is this insensitive but you'll have to come back the next day & bury those flowers as well & it'll start a chain that will result in the total utter extinction of flowerkind.

Do everything you can to avoid getting sent to the nut house. Squirrels be tearing that thing up.


December Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you eyes for seeing the glass is half full.

Thank you aeroplane for getting high with me.

Thank you dancing Santa next to the bird bath for not dancing around the obvious.

Thank you billboard for showing me the big picture.

Wednesday-Friday, December 27-29, 2017

Aural Selections Seasonal Sounds: New Year's Day


Monday, December 18, 2017

+=- The most hyperbolic thing I've ever heard!💖

And here's a man that needs no introduction.. I mean unless the lighting is horrible and we alter his voice afterwards.

Why don't they have a Black History Month tree? You could hang a bunch of bl… Oh No, that's why!

Forget the state capitals! I can name all of the Super Bowls! Super Bowl I, Super Bowl II, Super Bowl III, Super Bowl IV.. No I don't know who played in them. But I'm really good at roman numerals.

The favorite show of nachos is "Rolling Pin vs Bowling Ball."

1: "I'm about to put the hammer down!"
2: Oh that's good, I was afraid you were about to use the hammer.

You could fill a thimble with what you don't understand! & probably something bigger too or maybe hundreds more thimbles.

I might be hairy but I'm not a dog person.

I'll be 26 -negative six years ago.

Bad times to have a seeing eye dog:
When in front of a firing squad
While walking the plank

I'm gonna be on the news tonight! I finally figured out how to get past security & I've got the quickest path to the camera mapped out.

There were 2 guys at the grocery store & one went down an isle & then came back out & said, "No dice." What an idiot, he thought they sold dice at the grocery store.

What do you call a boombox with no speakers? A box.

I'm not gonna shove it down your throat like a gravy boat.

Lately I've been thinkin.. before that I didn't think at all.

They had a class at the local community center for building rapport. Have we become so inclusive that we have to build rapport with buildings now? How do you create rapport with a building? Buildings can't talk back.

My friends are all unreliable. They're so unreliable they never became my friends in the first place.

I just found out that I was adopted! I didn't know my parents could put me up for adoption while I'm an adult.

I've broken several beds in my time & countless air mattresses. I guess I'm a heavy sleeper.

Fair warning, since they says it's a good idea to back up your hard drive I like to back up toilets as a service to my hosts.

Brady:  anyone have change for a 5$?
MAR:  Do you want exact change or horribly inexact change where I get $5 & you get an empty green Easter egg?
Brady: throw in a rap for me Mike and you got a deal!
MAR: This is what I have to tell, it's got a deviled egg smell. The fragrance of a dill. Yo this egg is ill. [But not like the contagious kind (we hope & pray, Amen)]

1:  He's not playing with a full deck.
2:  That's dangerous he could fall off the porch!

Yo with me it ain't a battle ain't a fight either
It's a trip to the woodshed, I'm a sucka beater
Burn down the house like a knocked ova 1970s heater

That was the most hyperbolic thing I've ever heard!

Screw drivers? Screw cars!

I'm only a fan of people who have passed out.

You ever get dirty stares from bald guys for having messy hair? Don't give me that guff you didn't do anything with your hair today either!

I make ya swoon in your thought balloon
I don't just rock all night I rock till noon
Rocks more valuable than the ones from the moon

I don’t want a fish in my mouth unless it’s dead & cooked & even then, not the whole thing.

With eggs sunny side up you can pretend the yolk is the sun & the white is a cloud & you can make the sun explode as if it were made out of liquid instead of fire.

Anything can be a chair except a chair bolted to the ceiling.

What candy isn't fun size? The bag that is so big it that rats get all up in it?

Cause baby, there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
I'm so unsatisfied with geography

Good news! I'm only racist against certain long extinct ancient Neanderthal races. Their bones look stupid!

I thought he was the man of my dreams. The dreams where a man chases me down & makes me purchase his loose pudding in the muddy woods.

So is Joey spelled the traditional way or the alternate timeline moon colony way, Goei? Ok the traditional way. I should have just tasted the gravity for a minute & figured it out myself.

Have you heard of this? I got this great new surgery. They made me sterile. I think it means when I get sick my germs don't spread to anyone.

You know there's gotta be somebody out there who refuses to use emojis because he's racist against Asians.
He's so racist when he goes shopping he checks all the labels, "Made in China? No thank you!"

I don't think this guy heard my name right, he keeps calling me "Frank Lee." Should I correct him or would that be too embarrassing for him?

These punk kids always bragging about their morality. "I'm not gonna lie.." Tell it to a priest kid.

1: He's got a doctor's appointment.
2: Why does he work here too if he's a doctor?

1: I lost some pounds
2: That's too bad. I blame Brexit.

That guy is a total grammar Nazi, always speaking German.

I go to work. #LikeAnEmployee

I'm a one man dynasty & I still got kids!

Future man, "Siri, I've got a steak in front of me. How to I eat this thing?"
Future Siri, "It is my understating of spoons that one is not needed at this time."

Southerners are bad:
Southern Women, "I like my tibacci like I like my men, burnin & covered in white."
Southern Men, "I like my women like I like my guns, smokin & full of bullets."

Do you know what I think the worst politically correct term is? It's not what you may think.
It's "significant other."
Think about it, we're talking about the most important person in your life.. significant.

"Well I'd say you at the very least are notable my dear."

"Honey who I am I to you?"
"Let me see, well you're not me.. so..euh.. Other?"

But there are worse things you could call your partner... pardner. Arenas for example make for terrible pet names..
"Oh Quicken loans arena you are the light of my life!"
"My darling AT&T stadium, I cannot live without you!"

Radio stations have this problem too,
"Q107 FM, there's no one I'd rather spend my life with."
"102.9 The Buzz I don't know where I'd be without you."
"Hey, 103.3 WVIG THE PIG, I wantta get next to you tonight"

And as you get older you switch the pet names to AM radio stations,
"WHBQ 560 AM I'm so thankful to have spent all these years with you"

You know those stickers on the back car window that show the members of your family? Those sure make it easy to case a joint for a robbery.

Just walk by the driveway,
"Ok, there's two adults, two kids, & a dog. Gotta remember the dog, better bring a distraction."

But the thing is, if you use the goofy ones based on fictional creatures the robbers will still follow it the best they can.

"Oh they got a slug monster. That must mean they have hardwood floors because no one with carpets would have a slug monster as a pet. Ahh guff! I'm gonna have to get the cursed amulet of Drysylsuggatanonga to dry the slug out or it will engulf me in it's slime for all eternity. Hmm that's a big hassle, maybe I should check the neighbors. Hey cool, they have a wookie!"

Can't get car out of mail.

Tiny ninjas hiding in walnuts eating nuts to stay alive. Maybe we'll never be attacked. Don't eat walnuts, let the ninjas die.

Wound words walking. A light blitter fnight. Thumbtack made of meat but not thumb meat. Rare steak drying on a clothes line. Flies found five new floods underground. Wedge has rotted into zedge.

No double ticks, faster burning wicks. Orange bowling blitz. Lay down like paper knifing butter, a nice slice.
Log cabins won't last at fire camp. Sight sign or side side. Double sided on one side. Stack a bend, lend a fold.

Who has stronger teeth? Can you hear it become dark? In the flash of an ear. Testify about triangles.
Gnawing leafing caudered, underground is not soddered. Grass needs sun. Sun spins with fun. W shoes, clone gets double you shoes. No crayon eraser to erase the blues. No hand in glove but glove in use when it was cool to nail gloves to the wall.
If you want to be in my dreams let me sleep, let me sleep.

If you write on me you wrong on me.


Thursday, November 30, 2017

No.vember II Lessons🎓

Parker Brothers has a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.

All publicity is good publicity, unless you're fleeing.

When you don't have time, time has you.

Understanding is better than overstanding because overstanders won't shut up about what they know.

If n is a variable then the nth degree can be any degree you want! (If the number's ordinal name ends in th).

Never believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv, skix, spleven, estorch, ninook, & zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as number, despite there being infinite numbers!

When all else fails try try again until they automatically move you up to the next grade for failing for too long. Score!

Everything you do is just in time because anytime is time.

When you have to write tall give it your all!

All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.

In the twinkling of an eye is the speed of light. In the tinkling of an eye is the speed of a tear.

Humans have 9 lives too, the others are experienced simultaneously in parallel dimensions.

No man is an island, our egos are too big. If we were sitting in the ocean with things living on our belly we'd want to be called continents.

Functional candy calculators are calculicious.

All slasher films are fish out of water stories because of the gasping, the slicing, the gutting, & the dying.

On a scale of A-Z an excon is the 3rd worst kind of con, wycons are still in jail & zecons are on death row. And on an aacon is| Hey! I said this was a scale of A-Z not A-ZZ! EDITOR! Please remove the errant portion of this lesson. ~Forever ours, Writer.

All negative fates are worse than death because death is eventually guaranteed so any bad fate is that fate plus death.

Become a misfortune teller, it's easier. "You will struggle financially." "You will worry about your family." "You will stub your toe really hard on multiple Saturdays."

The good old days were good young days.

The right idea could earn you millions.. of seconds of disappointment after you lose your prototype because you just had to show it to the girl running the exit of the corn maze. Now she didn't see it & your life is ruined. This'll learn ya to keep records young man. Yes it will. Shoulda done a 3D model that you could 3D print. So many Ds missed.

People who aren't morning persons are mourning persons when they have to wake up early.

All missing buttons are stolen by warrior mice who use them to make colorful armor.

The meat with the least calories is hand turkey.

Time was, many moons ago, when someone said, "Let's go listen to some rock music" it was a way of saying, "It's time for a stonin'. The screaming of a man being stoned to death is music to my ears!"

What you value says a lot about you, if it's a robot you programmed to brag about how you can build robots.

3rd party software is the best because they wait until the 3rd party to release it. Alright we're finished yes! Let's party! Ok now let's do some more testing, work some more bugs out. Yeah! Take that bugs! Let's party again! Ok now we need to run a public beta & get feedback. Alright everything is great! Let's party! Tubular! It's the 3rd party let's release it!

Dejavu happens because you from the future whispers things that will happen to you in your ear for 3 hours every night.

No one is really into speed-walking. Everyone you see doing it is just a sleep-speed-walker sleeping in.

All things come to he who waits… unless he's like waiting in a cave, nothing will show up in there.

The world is mostly twins but they're all pranking you by only showing up one at a time.


November R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Donate your non-meat Thanksgiving leftovers to hungry turkey orphans.
2. Sure it's after Thanksgiving but it's not too late put up Christmas decorations early just add 2018 to the bottom of every Merry Christmas sign to spread holiday cheer all 2018 long.
3. Buy a present for your friend's dog but not for your friend. They'll get the message.. that you want to be their dog's goddogfather which is the greatest gift of all.
4. Stop taking gravy baths. The stores need time to restock the gravy for Christmas.
5. Put a forgetful person in a headlock so their head won't unscrew.


November Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you honey for making Life® sweeter.

Thank you bidet for not blowing smoke up my tuchus.

Thank you automatic door for opening yourself up to me.

Thank you spoon for getting me the inside scoop.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Etsy is Getting Out of Control


Friday, November 24, 2017

No more ideas vember📦

Immortals have it rough I tell ya. They have to deal with generations & generations of scientists not making gum flavor last longer while claiming to in ads.

I don't want to be famous. I can't handle the stress of having to correct inaccuracies about me in my Wikipedia article.

Time travelers who go to the past have a hard life, always having to worry about stepping on something or breathing too close to someone or ruining people's destiny by throwing away litter out of habit. But us presenteers we can step on anything we want, breathe within any proximity we choose & chuck wrappers without regard. It's not like we live in anyone's past.

Happy people aren't always having a picnic, all the sourpusses hating on them behind their back, geez. But they're still spreading happiness to the bitter, making them happy by giving them someone to be judgy about.

Today is the 8th anniversary of the death of my pet hamster Warrick. #HamInHeaven #ShouldHaveKilledHimSooner #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

Second-best-case scenario:  You tell someone, "I want to hump." & they buy you a camel costume.

Second-best-case scenario:  You tell someone, "I love you" & they say, "I love you two."

Second-best-case scenario:  You ask, "Will you marry me?" & they say, "Yes, but.."

The Unfalling Slide, it's an escalator where you can lay down.

Get a workout as you're drowsy. Wear a hat with weights for POWER nodding off!

I just lost a pound! #SadForever #MyHeartIsMissing #RippedRightOut #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

Another great thing about a Knight in shining armor,
Shining armor means he'll do the dishes, which is all a girl really wants.

Another great thing about being prom king & queen,
Your rule only last for the night so no lives are lost due to your tyranny.

Another great thing about hitting a home run,
You don't have to run as fast as a normal hit.

Another great thing about being brave,
Your teeth only chatter when it's cold out.

Just donated my old clothes to charity. #OhCrapWhereDidILeaveMyAnthrax #HeyNSA #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

Pretend that bruh & bro aren't slang & imagine anyone who says it is traumatized by losing their brother at a young age.

I just won a $500 on a gameshow #WhatHaveIDone #ICanNeverGetClean #DontRespondToGameShowAuditionsOnCraigslist #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

Hearing the difference could save your life!
It looks like you're into me.
It looks like urine to me.

Your head on my pillow..
My pillow on your head..

Breaking into someone's house.
Breaking out of someone's house.

I'd sure like to bone her.
I'd sure like to debone her.

That's like the black crayon calling the charcoal crayon black, perfectly appropriate & community building.

Stick a fork in me cause I'm.. only useful as meat now.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Send the Turkeys to Space:  Things you can draw with your hand that aren't turkeys

New kids book, instructionative & rhyming & comincal.
Buy it for 12.75 or get the eBook for $5


Friday, November 17, 2017

The Official Piemerican Coloring? Book

Presented by The Piemerican White Crayon Consortium, in this gag coloring book everything is either always white or always black. There's nothing to color!
Buy it for five bucks! or Download the PDF for free!


Wednesday, November 8, 2017


Thursday, November 2, 2017

Think About it Thursday👆

You ever set your kid's clothes aside to spot treat the stains & they grow out of them before you get around to actually doing it?


Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Weigh It Wednesday💪

You didn't eat enough Halloween candy.
Pessimistic View:  I forgot about Halloween & now it's too late to go door to door.
Optimistic View:  Candy goes on sale today!
You ate too much Halloween candy.
Optimistic View:  At least it was this year's candy.


Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Lesson Mania 2 Halloween Commercial🎥


New MARS album, If There Was a Was🌑

Today is the New Tomorrow 1:00
If there was a was 1:12
May we never now 1:43
The Bug Bag Boogie :39
Yesterday is the New Today :52
If there ever were a were :30
Time List 1:37
Kincaid 1:53
Now I am now 1:23
Trees with Space Backdrop 1:26
A never ending shadow :49
Adjoining stays 1:09
Think Whispers 1:04
Wholewhere 1:12
Soon Soothes 2:23
not honed (sleepy) :05
This space has weight :35
Gramophone abyss 1:19
House atop a stool 1:07
Placebo Poison 3:53


Oddtober IV Lessons🎓

The world is a creepier place if you realize that every hand you see is a naked puppet.

Saying, "But my home is my castle" won't get you off when the cops find out you have people chained up in your basement.

Having a silencer put to your mouth will quiet you indeed unless you love the taste & have to squeal with delight that you've finally found your El Dorado of flavor!

A hamster chef could be a human that cooks hamsters, a hamster that cooks, or a cannibal hamster that cooks hamsters.

If truth really is stranger than fiction there must be some awesome alien planets out there.

Highered is not a word even though lowered is.

You can't throw a queen worm at a wall, tickle it, & expect it to do your walrus's math homework.

Put googly eyes on your steps so your stairs can stare at you.

The blind leading the blind is bad unless your blind guide dog has it's own seeing eye puppy.

Blood is thicker than water & tricycles are thicker than blood.

You best learn the difference between gears & sprockets because our future robot overlords will give us all a pop quiz & you'll feel really embarrassed if you fail.

Being put in the doghouse is great if your significant other is a dog.

A sword with a scope seems like a technological marvel & such a deal at this great price but in close quarters combat a scope is useless & you need to realize that the scope is just a regular piece of glass. Save your money but not for a flyswatter with a scope.

Gold can never love you back. But if you coat your friends in gold..

When you die you get a choice to go back to earth as either a ghost or a zombie. No one has ever picked zombie, for obvious reasons. But when this generation of nerds dies we'll start seeing their fanboy & fangirl-isms culminating in them being the first humans to choose to come back as zombies. It will be a terrible mistake as their nerdier kids & grandkids will be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse. But if we hurry up & make a really cool Casper movie this zombie apocalypse could be prevented!

Squelch stress by getting chocolate beepers that beep to remind you to eat them.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. You know what else keeps doctors away? Guns! *bang!* Get outta my town wit ya sorcery! *bang!* *bang!*

Better late than never does not apply to assassination attempts.

Buy a cherry flavored coffin so you can be a cough drop for monster moles.

Like eyeballs, light bulbs are better to eat out of socket.

Wearing glasses with tie dye lenses can help you break your annoying habit of throwing paint everywhere.

If you're getting a paternity test for a bee make sure whoever reads the results doesn't have a silly accent or you may not understand him if he says, "You're the bee's niece."

The darkest hour is just before the dawn.. unless you're locked in a dungeon, then every hour is the darkest hour.

A bottle is not a loaf of bread made of glass.

If you hit someone in the face with a comic book opened to a page where Superman is punching, Paper Superman will come to life! He is very brittle & is ruined when wet, but he can still fly, although even the slightest micro-kilometer of wind can throw him off course.

You are weird if when someone says to you, "Prepare to die" you say, "Thanks for the sound advice I'll make a will right now. What would you like me to leave you?"

Come on, try to figure out what's funny about this lesson. It's not sandwich science.

You are weird if you tell the moon, "Rise & Shine!"

You are weird if the only reason you have a gym membership is to help the economy.

Beauty is only skin deep unless you're really into guts.

If giving your heart away makes you lose your mind sell your other organs too. You're on a roll!


October Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you letter L for never being an accomplice in my misspellings of sauce.

Thank you boiling water for being bubbly around my dinner guests.

Thank you bean bag chair for never spilling the beans.

Thank you abstract paintings for not using colorful language.

Thank you candy for treating me right.


October Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Introvert View:  Dogs are jerks because they don't respect my personal space.
Extrovert View:  Cats are jerks because they don't acknowledge my existence frequently enough.

Your refrigerator is running.
Optimistic View:  It left a trail of food we can follow.
Pessimistic View:  That can't be good for its knees.

You dropped your sandwich in the yard.
Pessimistic View:  My dirt & grass sandwich is ruined!
Optimistic View:  If I attach balloons to it I can send it to heaven.

Body Wash on a rope
Heard of it view:  It doesn't rhyme with soap!
Never heard of it view:  (While bleeding) This luffa is too rough.


Monday, October 30, 2017

October R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Make your cobweb decorations out of cotton candy.
2. Learn to juggle while walking so you can help save deli meats in the event of a deli flood.
3. Hand out IOUs on Halloween so kids can come back any night they don't normally get free candy.
4. Let some kids borrow your attack dog so they can extort more candy while trick or treating.
5. Instead of giving out candy apples on a stick, give out candy watermelons on a paddle.
6. Bottle your tears in case your descendants need them to reverse a curse.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Lesson Mania 2, new comedy book out now for Piemerica's 19th Anniversary

Features authentic comedy, readable words, & baseless facts.
get your copy today! $17 paperback or $5 eBook


Saturday, September 30, 2017

Sundrycember IV Lessons🎓

The one way you can shove people without them getting mad at you is to break up fights.

Butter always falls butter side down.

The best pizza toppings are other pizzas.

am is in a name

Some people have a real problem with authority, it’s the people who have it.

The best type of music is the outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.

It is not common dear for common deer to commandeer.

Presentee daddy pigs always bring home the bacon.

Clown contortionists can fit into an even smaller car.

Man does not live by bread alone sometimes there's fruit in proximity as well.

Pop goes the weasel, underground indie goes the hip weasel.

Front-seat drivers are back-seat drivers too because they are driving the whole car which includes the back seats.

You can't know anything by heart except love. It's your brain that knows.

Silence is golden but you can use a silver bullet to kill the silence.

Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.

Just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.

Your mind is out of sight but never out of mind.

Lesson Mania Week 2017
The smartest word is smartypants because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your lower case g.

Music has charms to soothe the savage beast & Lucky Charms has the charms to soothe the savage kid.

Most books are full of air quotes & you'll never know it.

It's hard to become a medical Guinea pig because medical people figure out real quick that you're human.

The reason your phone's battery won't go above 99% is because it believes absolute power corrupts absolutely.

I spy with my little eye that it's good for spies to have little eyes because little eyes are harder to see.

To keep fit throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.

Be happy is next to see happy.

Revenge is a dish best served cold but so is ice cream. Revenge & ice cream have so much in common. Mmmm sprinkles!

Your house is AS BIG AS A HOUSE.

A riverbed is the waterbed that can drown you.

A watched pot never boils but the water in it does.

You can't pass wind, wind passes you.

The customer is always right because liberals oppose capitalism so much that they never patron.

A rolling stone gathers no moss & a stone that has stopped rolling gathers no más.

End of Mania Week

The ultimate cake topping is pie that dissolves the cake under it.

Casualties in action movies just wanted a piece of the action.

The worse way to help someone across the road is by "nudging" them repeatedly with your car.

Haven't you heard? Toledo is a great town! People are always saying, "Holy Toldeo!"

If you say blah blah blah really fast it sounds robotic. If you say yada yada yada really fast is sounds Eastern Hemispheric.

School is boring because the whole day is an ellipsis. 1st period 2nd period 3rd period...

The best way to correct racist mistakes is to get the white out.

You only want to hear your boss say, "That's the last straw!" if you work at the straw factory, unless that's boss's way of say'n the factory is closing down effective immediately.


September Selfesque Sundays📣

The only thing I fear is fear itself because I'm afraid it will feel bad that I'm not afraid of it!

I haven't slept one wink. I close both of my eyes I ain't no fool.


September Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you pet duck for turning around and ducking whenever I say, "Hey duck!" or "Hey, duck!"

Thank you waterfall for never giving up.

Thank you oxygen for always being there when I need you.

Thank you discarded roadside toilet for not taking any crap from anyone.


September Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Saying, "It's not the worst.." vs. saying, "It wasn't the greatest.."
Optimisticer View:  Saying, "It's not the worst.." isn't the greatest thing to say.
Pessimisticer View:  Saying, "It wasn't the greatest.." isn't the worst thing you could start off with.

Your balloon porcupine is pregnant with a non-balloon porcupine's porcupette.
Pessimistic View:  Lots of loud death(s)(?)
Optimistic View:  I'm inspired to spread this message to the world, "Help control the balloon population. Have your balloon animals spayed or neutered."

Your walnuts have tiny ninjas in them.
Pessimistic View: If I don't open the nuts they'll die!
Optimistic View: If I don't open the nuts they'll die! Thus they won't be able to slice off the tip of my nose, or other tips.

Your mother doesn't approve of your choice of partner.
Pessimistic Response:  Sadness & deep contemplation & reflection.
Optimistic Response:  Hey ma, C'MAAAHN! C'mon ma. C'mon.


September Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like there's a party in my mouth & everybody came & now my jaw is getting sore trying to stay open so I don't bite any of you.

I saw your profile pic & I've got a shirt like that too! Two sleeves. I never wear a three sleeved shirt, it feels wrong. It gives me bonus phantom limb syndrome where I feel like I'm bumping into lots of things.

Help me out, I can't figure out if "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman" is transgender inclusive or not.

Friday, September 29, 2017

September R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Buy some industrial refrigerators so you can aid victims of the next natural disaster by storing their cheeses.
2. Match all turtle donations at your local animal shelter.
3. Take your leftover lunch out to dinner.
4. Paint front facing rocking horses on the fronts of rocking chairs so 2D horses can rock too!
5. Rock the boat.. to sleep.
6. Anonymously email personal photos of yourself to your friend Tommy who loves to blackmail but is really bad at & doesn't have much money so you can give him some much needed cash without him feeling weird about it (except the weird feelings gotten from seeing you disrobed).

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Think About it Thursday👆

If you could write a song what address would you mail it to?

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Subprime Rhymes📜

Hurricane Rain
Vein Pain
Inane Jane
Bloodstain Romaine
Insane Terrain
Spain Disdain
Arcane Explain
Attain Cocaine
Free Rein Ukraine
Champagne Eyestrain
Slow Lane Gain
Methane Brain
Lorraine Complain
Grain Abstain
Domain Retrain
Urbane Maclaine
Membrane Cane
Can't Contain Gas Main
Profane Dwayne
Drain Refrain
Chain Constrain
Gain Spain Propane $$$
Wayne Slain
Train Remain
Campaign Feign
Elaine Migraine
Airplane Chow Mein

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Easier August Lessons🎓

It's easier to march in March than it is to august in August.

Googly eyes are the hardest eyes to cry from but the easiest to cry out.

Putting your best foot forward is always easier because your worst foot may not move so well or you have it in a cooler or freezer or something.

It's easier to be quiet than it is to quiet a bee.

Mind over matter is easier than mind over matters.

It's easier to give sage advice than it is to give sage advice, if you're good at cooking.

It's easier to sit on your tip toes than to stand on your tip toes.

The camera cannot lie but the camera phone sure can.

It's easier to spend quality time than it is to save quality time.

It's easier to fool someone with smokes & beers than smoke & mirrors.

It's easier to find a needle in a hay stack than a hay in a sewing needle stack.

It's easy to get away with eating pudding all the time. Become a detective & every time someone calls you out for eating a pudding cup say, "the proof is in the pudding."

A bad storm rains cats & dogs but a legendary storm rains dodos & dinosaurs & golden piglets.

Pushing the envelope is terrible.. for getting mail out of your mailbox.

It's easier to teach an old dog new tricks than it is to teach new Trix an old dog because Trix don't have brains, they're a cereal.

In most cases it's easier to fall out than it is to fall in.

Romeing the streets isn't as easy as Venicing the streets. #Floodist

It's easier to keep the ball rolling when everything is downhill.

It is easier to be as busy as a bee than it is to be as busy as a b. There were 5 more b's in the last sentence than bees.

Blurred lines are still very easy to make out as lines.

It's easier to wear a bowler hat than it is to wear a bowler as a hat. But if the bowler you wear wears a bowler hat, it doesn't make much difference.

It's easier to milk a cow than it is to cow a milk. #CloningACowFromItsMilk

Giving someone a few choice words isn't as easy as giving someone a few forced words. It's easier to choose to force yourself to be pleasant than it is to tell someone off.

It's easier to notice holes in the ground than it is to notice ground in a hole. But it is easiest to notice ground beef in your mouth hole because it tastes great or eww this isn't cooked.

It's easier to get physical with someone than it is to get metaphysical.

It's easier to be caught red handed than it is to be caught red elbowed because you gotta be stealing somethin' big to get red all the way up to your elbows. Think these things out, get an accomplice next time.

It's hard to jump the gun & jump the shark at the same time but don't worry, if you give the shark a gun it won't know how to use it.

Thinking too hard is racking your brains, which is like BBQing. Doing drugs is like cooking your brain in a skillet. So don't think too hard man. It's worse than doing drugs.

It's easier to put the cart before the horse than it is to put the cart before the puma, if the cart is filled with horse meat. However putting horse meat in front of the horse could put you in a moral quandary. So I think you should put on your own experiment for this one. The horse meat I put in front of my horse was going to be used as butt implants for it, so it was joyous occasion.

It's easier to become a surgeon than it is to become a sturgeon. But if you want to become a sturgeon see a surgeon.

Doing the bare minimum isn't as easy as doing the bear minimum, the minimum that a bear would do, because a bear wouldn't do much.

August Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you margin for teaching me to respect boundaries.

Thank you octagon for knowing eight is enough, sorry nonagon.

Thank you font for being just my type.

Thank you pistachio for coming out of your shell.

Thank you clock envelopes for takin a lickin & keepin on tickin.

August Weigh It Wednesdays💪

The drone delivered the wrong cat to me.
Optimistic view:  Great! This is going to be like when you get an order wrong at a restaurant & they send you a second one free!
Pessimistic view:  I ordered a cat that would be docile after a loud drone ride. Now I'm getting scratched deep into my eyes, what a bummer. Oh well, I'm really going to miss seeing the infinite beauty of life.

You dropped your phone in the toilet.
Optimisticalish View:  Maybe it's better than dropping my toilet on my phone?
Pessimistic View:  I was a fool for eating my phone.
Tarantillic view: "I'm a tarantula. I don't care about this!"

Your hand is broke.
Mixed View:  That's fine, if my hand was holding my money I'd get robbed.
Optimistic View:  People are always looking for a hand out. If they see my hand is out they may lend me a hand.
Pessimistic View:  Oh no, what if I have to have it amputated!? Deaf amputees must have a really hard time communicating. It's all YMCA for them.

There's litter everywhere.
Pessimistic View:  I was just on my way to the store to see what the new Whatchamacallit wrapper looks like. I hate spoilers!
False Optimistic View: It's not the worst thing we've done to Native Americans.
Optimistic View Two:  It's not litter, it's free advertising.

They've implemented postmortem restraining orders to prevent hauntings.
Pessimistic View:  My plans for eternity are ruined!
Optimistic View:  It doesn't count if you're already dead. Good thing I saved my fake death certificate from 1995.
Nerdic Nordic View:  Good luck implementing it. Norway isn't part of the EU.
Pan-handler's View:  "Spare some change will ya? They won't let me haunt the boss that fired me & got me into this rut."
Nobody's View:  Awesome now we can get a prequel to Ghostbusters where there's no ghosts & it's all lawyers!

August Think About it Thursdays👆

Would you buy a rug made of toast? Well what if it came prejamspread?

Why do you feel the need to dye your brownies to disguise them as cornbread?

Have you ever tried to dig indoors?

What would you rather not have near your toe, a tick or a tack?

If you could use one magazine as bedding which would it be?

August Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like an elf borrowing the family scissors.

I feel like pocket change inside a hot pocket.

I feel like a sock living its dream as a windsock.

I feel like a microwave trying to cook a brick oven.

Monday, August 28, 2017

August R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. 💮💐 Get with the times, stop putting 🌼flowers🌻 in the barrels of 🌷guns & start hacking into cyberbullies' phones & send 🌸flower🌺 emojis to all of their victims. 🌹🌱
2. Always throw your food away face up so fat guys can come & secretly eat out of the trash quickerly & saferlyish.
3. Show waiters what a great tipper you are, with that video of you going cow tipping.
4. Pay 4X ticket price for every movie you see to help the production companies regain what they lose from piracy.
5. Creepily hide out under buses in case someone gets thrown under there.
6. Hang piñatas from all the trees in the neighborhood & only fill six with creamed corn this time. #BabySteps
7. Go downtown & hit a well dressed businessman with your car so he can have some much needed time off work.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Survey Saturday

How long does the gum's flavor last?
▱ I've never tasted my gums before. I guess I'd have to stop brushing for a very long time to do that.
▱ I always spit it out before the flavor's gone because it isn't strong enough.
▱ Flavor can end?
▱ When I wake up in the morning it doesn't taste the same.
⧉ My gum's flavor is mayonnaise & (dusty) light bulbs, thankfully the flavor is gone before it reaches my buds.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Old Lessons Expanded🎓

I went to a self defense class. I asked the instructor, "What do I do if a thug draws a knife on me?" He says, "Wash it off."

I was in the produce section of the grocery store I ask the guy there, "Where were these navel oranges grown?" He says, "On a boat."

Remember, it's a picture is worth a thousand words, not a picture can say a thousand words. So stop torturing them in your cellar! I know it can be confusing with all the digital cameras & such but the floppy pictures cannot talk! Kids these days, they have cellars but don't know whether or not photo paper can talk. I knew it would come to this, I just didn't know it would be so soon. I mean you can tell a tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it won't. So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger!

I didn't get my driver's license until I was 20. I was a slow learner when it came to driving. I failed my first on the road driving test because I sat at a stop sign for 40 minutes. After about 2 minutes the instructor was yelling at me, "What are you doing? Go! Go!" I yelled back, "I don't see a go sign anywhere around here! Do you?" Then she got out of the car & went back into the DMV. 38 minutes later she has a cop pull me out of the car. They sentenced me to a driver's ed class. I said, "I don't need more training you just need better signs!" Three things in that story are true. One of them is that stop signs exist.

There are disclaimers on everything these days. I was reading a sales paper for the local grocery store and it said about one product, "You'll love the taste!" Then at the bottom it had a disclaimer that said, "results only occur when eaten or tasted." As if that weren't enough it then said, "Results are subjective may not be true for you." If lawyers didn't dress so nice I just wouldn't understand why average people are eager to have law suits.

They say that Jon Shaft is a bad mother but Jon Shaft is not a woman and has no children. Figure that out! What stupid lyrics. & Isaac Hayes is from the county I grew up in yet I still don't understand it.

I once said "Hey look at me!" & then someone who was there stalked me for the rest of my life. Sometimes you've gotta be careful. Make sure you say, "Hey look at me! But only for a few seconds."

I had a tech problem so weird I had to consult a specialist. I told him whenever I check my e-mail my computer shuts down but only if my dog is nearby. He said it was because computers are the new mailmen. I'm still waiting to see the cartoons reflect this. We get e-mail on everything now. I'm surprised we haven't all been murdered by our dogs.

I've never been so sad to see something go as that time I got ran over by an ambulance & it didn't come back to pick me up. Thankfully it wasn't heart breaking but unfortunately it was bone crushing.

Anyone here go the movies lately? Not me. I'm so broke the only time I go to the movies is to look for discarded ticket stubs to burn for warmth.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Empty Memories

There's spare time & strike time & turkey time too.
But when it's split time, I interrupt my rhyme, with nothing left to prove.
Who can say what makes a day, the head or the heart
But one thing's for sure, the head measures more
And the heart can't be contained, it's measure never stays the same

Oh how I wish the skyline would sway & swerve
I cannot waste my time unless it's wasted by the dirt
A little peace, clean up the schedule
A robin's broken egg
But this time it's not from birth
Knocked over as they flew away

Let your light shine or burn everything
There's no one left to look
The only ones who see, the flew away from me
But light's all they've ever known
I cannot stand tall because when I stand it's short.
You're lucky if I can move
All the holidays.. and everything so rare..
I want to highlight everything

But the world is crueler than the cruelest man
And money a two-faced foe
Why must my life be torn with so many things to mourn?
Oh but few are trapped, Stockholm every day
What takes our life is what we choose to become
Yet nothing valuable enough to erase
So throw away the papers
That list the empty memories

The Net Doesn't Work

No echoes
Because everything is quiet
I want to be on the screen with nothing left to pay
Split desire
Nothing more than a survivor
Cut, lose
Won't sink or go run
Won't sink or go run
See me fight today
The price to prepare is all gambled
No view there as if the view is scrambled
Network, the net doesn't work, nothing to eat unless I throw the fish in the ocean myself!
Nothing to eat unless I throw the fish in the ocean myself!!
And they shut down my simple dreams, so no one notices anything
Less than a pinch of granules but still so dry

But I was given everything
I was given everything that I don't give myself
The beauty & the greatest dream
Greater than all wealth
I've had more than my fair share
Beyond what anyone else can compare
Love & love, love everywhere
But still no respect

One Two Three

Three is the real number on either side
One side is infinity
The other slightly more than if I'd died
I want the three of infinity
But for 8 I'm stuck with the zero

(The deaf the dead, The deaf the dead, The deaf the dead....)
Stuck because nobody else believes, no one left to relieve
I have to grow the universe with my heart
My own fish, I have no fish, just an eternally empty wish
It's all on the side
Can't do what I love without a ride
(The deaf the dead, The deaf the dead, The deaf the dead....)

Somebody else's machine
Somebody else's machine

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Getting Small Talk Slightly Wrong📜

What are you doing tonight?
Who are you doing tonight?

Don’t work too hard.
Don't work.

Beautiful day, isn't it?
Beautiful isn't it? (while pointing somewhere on your person)

Did you catch the news today?
Did you catch the news today? The paperboy loves it when I do it! Especially when I catch it in my mouth like a dog.

You look like you could use a cup of coffee.
You look like you could use loose coffee, on your lap.

How about this weather?
When about this weather?

Nice place, huh?
Nice thing, heuh?

You look like you've got your hands full.
You look like you've got your feet full.

How old are your kids?
How old are your clothes?

How long have you been waiting?
How depth have you been waiting?

Looking forward to the weekend?
Looking forward to 2047?

Monday, July 31, 2017

July Genesises Lessons🎓

They say chupacabra is antelope. But I say no, chupacabra is proelope. That is why we cannot find it. Chupacabra ran off to marry someone its parents didn't approve of.

Doughnuts are actually fruits, the reason they have holes in them is because the cores have been taken out.

Forget everything you know about studying then go study what studying really is.

Free samples were invented to help the BIG GOV gather intel on litter bugs.

The future starts just after now.

The printer was invented by a kid that really hated learning cursive in 4th grade.

The reason we only find dinosaur bones in the ground is because colossal aliens would come to earth, debone the dinosaurs & eat the rest.

Shoe shine stands were invented by cops to analyze the dirt on people's shoes to see if their shoes were stolen.

Wake up! They call em cell phones because they imprison you man!

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, in other words.. sponge baths all around!

Lightning in a bottle was originally lightning in a sandcastle but it melted the sand into glass.

Chimp pansies were the chimps that survived evolution. Think about it.

The only people that make bones about it are expecting mothers.

Edward Cocacola invented glass cause before sody boddles you had to drink out of the skulls of your ancestors.

The reason we don't store lightning in banks is because all lightning banks burn down.

The reason computer mice are called mice is because of how riddled with germs & bacteria they are.

Modern road rage regards sedans & swearing. Ancient road rage regarded sandals & swords.

Having zero tolerance actually means you're down with binary.

Winning money often starts from scratch.

Before the world wide web the only time someone surfed the net was while trying to escape villainous fishermen.

There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you're eating wild berries, those are definitely free.

There's a sucker born every minute so vegans should feel really bad for eating all those suckers when they were kids.

Two heads are better than one unless they're on the same body. #ProtoMutantDescrimination

A wolf in sheep's clothing is naked. Sheeps dont where clovthes, stewpid;

Love is blind, hate is deaf, indifference doesn't feel, you can't smell trust, & like may have no taste.

Necessity is the mother of invention & Geppetto types are its third cousins.

Oak trees believe that Roanoke is where trees get turned into rowboats.

Behind every great gander is a great goose.

If you really love being hip to the new trends after you jump on the bandwagon jump up & down on the bandwagon.

If you ever find a screwdriver in your car, the car is trying to send you a message.

Set designer who thinks of himself as a casting agent, cast the first stone.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

July R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Paint your nails, there aren't enough portraits of nails.
2. Donate your clothes to someone's clothesline cause if they're still usin' one they poor.
3. Walk through a large crowd singing Happy Birthday. It's bound to be somebody's birthday.
4. Let your freak flag fly! It didn't earn that aviation degree for nothing. (The flag is a freak because it's sentient unlike a couple of other flags).
5. Curl some regular fries. Oh wait, that didn't work? Lemme get some tape..

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Survey Saturday

Which flavors of lemon do you like?
☑ Cheese
☑ Monkey Bread
☑ Iron
☑ Skittle Fish
☑ Gasoline & tar
☑ BBQ Rope
☑ Lime
❑ Lemon

Friday, July 28, 2017

+=- Reverse infection cures everything.💖

Translucent bygones. Reverse infection cures everything. I land on the ground & ground on the land. Subsequent planks lead into the ocean to the even loster city of Buboua. It was named after the only sound you could make underwater. Ostricarian colony has TVs in the irrigation canals. Come across the weeping wonder. Deliberately broken sockets keep the hallways dark. Convection oven backpack with toaster oven purse. Tiny slices of corpulent astroaleviations. Can a can can a can? Think smaller. No tie under the collar. A clip on means you can't commit.. to learning it. If the corn cob is hollow how can the kernels stay in place? Reshape it to make a face. Exaggerating lies, clodhop gossip challenge. No waste of paper, ones & zeros or a lot of tens. Nights & lines for frosted giveaways. Smoke completes carrot meal.

A never ending shadow fell on me & I can never walk away.
I am rubber. Whatever I say bounces off your ears, so no one can ever hear me.
I'm like an umbrella in the desert, I should be a parasol.

Working toaster in the freezer. Why stop at chocolate fountains, chocolate fire-hoses can turn anything chocolate? Who challenges buns to lonely walks on the beach? Fuming thunder loops pile into an acrobat car. Clown contortionists can fit into an even smaller car.

Chewing bubbles. Planes mix with cherry flavored coffins as cough drops for monster moles. Underground skyline evening cheers.

Don't imagine loudly, think whispers. Thundering frequency increases. Superpower to zip between raindrops & change their colors on the way down. The remix takes the bells. Underwater cacti skewering lémóns making lémónade with bamboo straws & scuba honey bees. My mind mauls meandering minnows in malls. Unclubbed grocery sacks of water delivered to the shores of thirst. No one knows what makes a moment last.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

July Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you vegans for never having a beef with me. More beef for me!

Thank you tree for never throwing shade at me.

Thank you automatic transmission for being easy going.

Thank you evolution for not making a monkey out of me.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

July Selfesque Sundays📣

I don't do curls but I raise two girls. #MegaManly

Where do I expect to be in five years? On land or in it. Caves are great.

Reasons why I don't answer "What's up?"
1. In memory of Marvin Gaye.
2. In honor of the quality of What's Happening!! season 1.

Friday, July 14, 2017

New MARS song, Kincaid

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Unlucky Numbers (Wiki Article)

Never believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv, skix, spleven, estorch, ninook, & zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as numbers, despite their being infinite numbers!

  • 13 — The number 13 being unlucky was contrived by cowards to scare children & make themselves feel big. The height of 13 paranoia was in the 1970s when calculators were introduced. The original run of calculators by Texas Instruments didn't have 1s or 3s because they didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself & fill all row boats with goo. Unluckily, the mathematical formula that disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.
  • 40 — This number is fabled to be unlucky as perpetuated by ageists & thermodynamics. But 40 is the new 20! And 20 is never unlucky unless you're playing blackjack & accidentally say, "Hit me."
  • 1: The Loneliest Number — Scientists have determined that the true loneliest number is actually 19. Because when you're at a party with 19 people & have no one to pair off with & talk to you're far lonelier than when you're by yourself. However 19 is not an unlucky number because it is awesome to be 19 years old & to have 19 pieces of pizza.
  • (Your Lottery Number) — The truth is your number suffers from conditional luckiness. Use it for something other than the lottery & see good fortune fly your way.

Mathimagicians predict that the number 52 will become unlucky in 2019. And if you're reading this in 2019, for corndog sakes please update this article & tell us if it was true!

Friday, July 8, 2017


I rescued this sweet little guy today.
#DemsGoodViddles #ImHavingDinnerTonite #HotDog

I rescued this sweet little guy today. #DemsGoodViddles #ImHavingDinnerTonite #HotDog #HashTagsThatChangeTheMeaning

Going overseas to do some mission work. #CovertMission #ASnipersWorkIsNeverDone

Me & my workout crew lost 15 pounds this week! #OrgansHarvestedInTheNight #SomebodyCallTheCops #DoINeedALiver

Excited to go to a birthday party today!! #FormerBestFriend #AndNoMore 🔫 

Friday, June 30, 2017

Soon June III Lessons🎓

Soon ovens will prank us by screaming, "Ow! That's hot! Get me out of here! I'm trapped! Help!!"

Soon all newspapers will be oldspapers.

Soon all hoaxes will be revealed as truth and all truth as hoax, including that last thing.

Soon jellyfish will finally accept a sponsorship from Jello® & be called Jellofish®.

Soon tacos will come out of their shells when the earth's axis tilts further. Yeah yeah seasons would get messed up too, but our taco meat!

Soon broken elevators will have spiral escalators placed in their shafts.

Soon apes will fully evolve into humans & the only way to tell us & the genetically identical race of new humans apart is that they will continue to refuse to wear clothes.

Soon mops will vacation in chicken buckets.

Soon drones will deliver all mail, even email. It will be so financially wasteful that poor people will become furious & conquer the rich Ewok style.

Soon ghosts will throw awesome parties for themselves called FUNerals.

Soon trapezists will juggle flapjacks in mid-air & even more impressively juggle loose syrup.

Soon hashtagging will be called pounding.

Soon wills will become so powerful that you can legally leave things you don't own to people. The result, genocide.

Soon dancing will be outlawed & Prancing will be inlawed after his sister finally gets married. Also prancing will become the mandatory form of perambulation.

Soon an amazing caveman artist will travel to the present & say, "What? My work didn't survive? Just because I painted on the rocks outside the cave!?"

Soon many heptagons will announce that they are transshape making the jobs of triangle realtors nearly impossible.

Soon everyone will forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day & all of that pinching will start World War III, which won't be nation against nation, but every man for himself in a world wide battle royale.

Soon aliens will come to earth.. to take our best parking spaces, & for absolutely no other reason.

Soon rich business guys will use their understudies for power point presentations. Because they don't know the material well, in place of laser pointers, they will use broader pointing objects like spot lights & red dwarf stars.

Soon the government will make speedometers embellish so more of us will unknowingly drive the speed limit.

Soon the world will become less peaceful when, in addition to squirt pistols, children begin to operate water tanks.

The pen is no longer mightier than the sword because you can type with a sword. And if you don't feel like typing you can hold someone at sword point & get them to type for you or even write something with a pen.

Soon everyone will let their hair down by getting stupid trendy hairdos that people will laugh at for decades.

Soon life will really begin at 40 when babies choose to unnecessarily gestate for 40 extra years. So hurry up & have your kids now.

Soon everybody will be like two peas in a pod as we are all forced, two by two, into living in pods together, pea pods in fact, because we'll also be shrunken, to pea size, & it will be really confusing to know how much toothpaste to use.

Soon crossing your fingers will be the only way left to pantomime hope because there won't be any wood left to knock on.

Soon people who say, "My bad" will say "My good" when accidentally doing something good.

Soon we'll all be on Easy Street after all streets are renamed Easy Street making things much harder. GPS, "Turn left on Easy Street, no not that one, the other one. Ugh, that's it, I don't need this. My husband is a satellite. I quit."

Soon love will spread the world over like never before.. when cupid upgrades to a machine gun. #ThanksGunLobby

Soon people will no longer seek to escape reality, because there will be no reality.

June Selfesque Sundays📣

My height is 5'28. 5 foot 28 centimeters.

The word conscientious needs to be extradited from the English language for being too hard to spell, & so does extradited.
I once tried to use swype to type conscientious on my phone. The word is 13 letters long! And the result my phone gave me was just the word "No." It was like, "No, No" not even I'm going to try to spell that monstrosity of a word. And while we're at it let us pause & give thanks that it is easy to spell monstrosity.

I hate when I don't remember a memory enough to keep it a rememory so it becomes a dismemory.

I'm not gonna be victimized by the culture by assimilating into the slang-o-sphere. Nuh uh!

June Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you windshield for protecting me from windswords.

Thank you corn dogs for not having corny jokes on your packaging, less competition for me.

Thank you balls for always being round.

Thank you bears for keeping your hands to yourself.

June Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Your toaster is unplugged.
Optimistic View:  Toaster cords are always short so it will be easy for me to find the outlet!
Pessimistic View:  My wife left me because she thought I didn't pay the electric bill & I JUST NOW discovered this after the divorce was finalized! If only I had loved her more! If only I had loved toast more!

June Think About it Thursdays👆

Why do people want someone to RIP so badly after they die? Is it autopsy slang?

Why do we have to call it a belly button? It's the only button on the body.

Why stop at chocolate fountains? Chocolate fire-hoses can turn anything chocolate!

June Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a brick wishing it could speak.

I feel like a blank price tag should work the same way as a blank check.

I feel like a marble in a tiny fur coat.

I feel like a giraffe trying to dive into a swimming pool.

I feel that hats without bills should be free.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

June R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Leave gold bars in mailboxes with instructions on how to mold the gold into a golden mail box.
2. Call your hats by their first name.
3. Leave life vests at wishing fountains.
4. Paint the eggs at the local grocery store.
5. Compliment a cook on their chopping skills.
6. Discard your old beanbag chairs at the bottom of the bridge or cliff that has the highest suicide rate.
7. Give roadkill a proper funeral, in the woods, with no humans around, inviting only scavengers.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Survey Saturday

Do you hate it when musicians play by ear?
☑ Of course, that's too loud! Back up, get out of my bubble!
☒ If it's a drummer I'll stop my horse & listen for a bit.
❑ I hate music in general that's why my flamethrower auto-activates upon detecting monophony.

Friday, June 16, 2017

This Just in.. June📦

Friday, June 9, 2017

You have to rest to live your dreams

I can't chew on this
Waiting for my tooth to grow
The downside of a wish is all we ever know
Until we expand our minds to the wishes we live & forgot
There's a right way to look behind
The right way to know a not

So much wishing here
No one in a dream
Don't you know you have to rest to live your dreams?
We're always awake
Not knowing what it takes
It takes everything
It grinds you down
Your bed is in your home
Head bombarded by sounds
When will you return to what your mind has left?
When will you stop so all your thoughts aren't theft?

I will live it now
My heart will shout with joy
All that heaven held it has deployed
My eyes aren't crossed but they are crossing over
Over into light & love is on my shoulders
We can make it well, heal all that has fell
The untrue wounds no longer there, kaboom!
If you never sleep you never wake up
From well to welling up
Watch the beauty move
Rest, refresh, & full
The world outside of tombs

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

iMay Lessons🎓

If your mind is blown get your skull checked.

If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.

If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.

If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.

If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.

Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.

If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your cap.

If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good because long poles are riddled with germites.

Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.

If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it correctly.

If your armchair was made in America it has a free loaded gun hidden inside!

If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.

If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.

If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.

If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is killing me!"

If you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt & shoes to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.

If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton that fame is better had after death.

If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.

If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they love sleeping in craters.

If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.

If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.

If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?

If you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping your pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in trouble.

If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."

If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons & blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.

If you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have this happen again!

If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.

If you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry. I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!

The reasons you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some people love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an arrow².

If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're going to eat you.

May Horoscopes📦


It's time to reveal your secret that you still wet the bed so people will have a little more sympathy for you & your smell.


Don't sign any releases from local news organizations. They've been following your hobby of chicken drowning & you'll want to have your face blurred on tv so that your vegan significant other doesn't break up with you.


After you knock down your record 10,000th building celebrate by watching your step. There are a lot of ambulances down there.


Tonight a referee will appear in your bedroom & flag you for illegal blanket hogging.


You're gonna get cancer & by that we mean you're going to change your birth date identity to a Cancer. Congratulations on becoming transzodiac.

Peter Pan

Pinocchio will come to Neverland & weep about all his distant cousin trees that you killed to make your treehouses.


There's someone in your bushes with a camera taking pictures of.. nightcrawlers.


Today you'll look forward to something that you won't get. Also you'll win a million dollars (& not sand dollars this time).


Tonight you'll find out that your loving former owner wasn't dead & was just pretending to be a ghost to get rid of you.


You're getting a promotion & so is every other Scorpio in your building. The competition will be tough but the formula of luck + leadership - lethargy x lung capacity ÷ leechings³ will make you rise to the top as The Scorpio King.


The movie you made in your basement with your cat will be beaten at the box office by Spider-Man: Homecoming. But the fact that you got that thing into 400 theatres is truly a testament to your.. father's bank account size.


Don't let strangers sit on your tailgate unless they bring a cooler of free drinks. And stop imagining driving off that cliff. The guardrail would stop you so you'd have all the pain & none of the thrill.


Never give up on your primary goal of breaking the world record for unassisted sleeping.


Meeting your true love is just around the coroner. Volunteer as an autopsy assistant & once you see how gently the coroner handles hearts you'll be wishing you were dead while never having felt so alive.

Jamba Juice

You're sweet & fun to be around. Don't lose your cool or you'll find yourself in the dumps.


A W shaped letter will find its way into your last name. Don't worry, it's just a typo, don't get any lawyers involved.


Today is a great day to stay in bed under 40 lead blankets to breed empathy for patients stuck in hospitals that still use medieval metallic sheets.


Don't get angry at people who wear shirts with your name on them who've never known you. They just like how your name looks & they love referencing for the sake of referencing so much that to them the Bibliography is the most exciting part of a book.


Now is the time to get into identity theft. Stealing the identity of a waiter is best. All you have to do is wear the right outfit in the right place & people will just hand you their money & credit cards.


Your talents of getting wasted are getting wasted at your sobercentric occupation. Quit your job or better yet go in drunk. Start the party early.


Take the endorsement deal from Coca-Cola. They have Santa! You can meet Santa! He'll love your reindeer cosplay! We promise. & Watch out for CGI bears!


As you travel abroad be on the lookout for a potential mate. The language barrier improves relationships because you get to play charades together like all the time.


Put your best foot forward, in a kicking motion, because kicking makes you feel cool.


You'll never be the most famous Lionel, unless you're Lionel Richie. Hey wait you ARE Lionel Richie! WOW! We LOVE you! Could you sign our horoscope?


When you  pawn your Sword of Protection make sure to pick an upstanding pawn shoppe based on it's Yelp reviews.


It's time to forgive yourself for drowning that family of wasps with a tartar sauce hose. Take a tour of Seattle's best basements to calm your nerves.


The position of the asteroid belt will affect your bowels. Loosen your own belt, or if you are not wearing a belt, retie the extension cord that is hold up your pantaloons.


Use porkchopsticks to devour your athletic rice bowls. Soon you will be able to have a match against a VW Bug. Make sure to throw the fight so VW pays you well.


Today you will face an inconvenience regarding health or finance or relationships or the moistness of a hand-towel. Hang in there & be diligent to keep your cool & not freak out & stab out the tires of the neighbor kid's bike. His parents won't have the money to replace those tires for weeks. There's no use in stabbing a flat tire.


The rhythms of Jupiter's beat-boxing will disrupt your test run of picnic brunch at the lake. Try again next week as Jupiter will be into classical Spanish guitar by then. It's accompaniment will heartfeltly make your six kinds of melon balls taste sweeter than honey slathered on a sunbeam.


Your 12 possum stew will receive accolades (yee-haws) at your cousin's dog's funeral. Don't get a big head about it because the only way to combat the tooth rotting result of using Fruit Gushers instead of beans in the stew is to have your ma brush yer teeth with a hammer.


Your new coworkers will finally stop making fun of you for showing up shirtless in trunks with a towel to your first carpool after you shame them for expecting you to sport gender normative beachwear like the rest of them.


Your tawdry love story about a sentient pizza, "Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' from the Oven" will be rejected for the 346th time. Resist the urge to shop your manuscript around Germany because doing so will get you killed & even worse plagiarized.


Your realization that the tiny voices inside of you are teens prejudice against size challenged monsters will make for a cathartic session with your therapist, Dr. Son of Godzilla.


Your pursuit of love & happiness will hit an offramp as you find that hate & happiness is a lot easier to obtain. The judgmental path you take will ruin the lives of everyone around you but you'll feel so smug you'll only notice as you are on your desolate adjacent death bed.


"Follow your dreams with waking up, ya lazy gud fur nuthin' sponge!"

is what your horoscope for today will say because of our guest writer, your step-dad.


No, no one else is ever gonna write another famous song about you. Now get in my mouth! I love you but I suck at writing songs.


Today your life long dream will come true making it a half-life long dream. Sorry to break it to you but today is the exact midpoint of your life. Visit our auntie site TimeAndDate.com to find out how many days old you are today & just how few days you have left. TimeAndDate.com, "It's about time!"


You will find a magical pair of shoes, not cool magic, but like stage magic. So essentially the shoes have a secret compartment that can hold a dove. And to clean out the previous dove's bones you'll need supplies from our distant cousin site BirdCorpseCleaning.com. BirdCorpseCleaning.com, ♫"You'll no longer have to answer, 'What's that smell?'"♫

Noob Saibot

Your new job, shilling to people to visit our great grandfather site MortalKombat.com will come to a euphoric end after you uppercut a camel & it viciously tramples you into Nirvana, the heaven for video game characters. MortalKombat.com, "They're not mortals if they're alive for the next match."


The local bully will discover the terrible secret of your underwear drawer, that you always go commando. Repurpose your drawer as an indrawer rutabaga garden.


While you read this your car is being towed, look out your window now! If you read this again your car will be towed back free of charge (possibly only due to illegal haggling).

Cobra Commander

Branding is great for an evil empire. The Joe will try to break your graphic designer free to help their image. Put some Pop Rocks in Destro's mouth & play the sound over the loudspeaker to scare them off.


You will notice that in Spanish none of the days of the week start with a T and that Mexicans must be really sad because they can't have Taco Tuesday. You will then proceed to patron their dining establishments for Tamale Thursday to cheer them up.


You are capable of handling anything bad that will come your way today except the poisoned lemonade that will end your ability to have a lineage. We told you last week you shouldn't fire your taste tester for budgetary purposes. Let that be a warning to the rest of you!


Your 10th birthday will be everyone's ideal birthday, a lot of sleeping, eating, & cuddling.

May Selfesque Sundays📣

My dream car is a low rider Wienermobile.

I can spell "good." I wrote "the constitution." I am quoting "the Bible."

Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day the only airports we had were our nostrils.

Back in my day we didn't have toasters. We had to toast our bread the old fashioned way, on the end of a clothes hanger over an open fire & it would always catch & fall in the fire. In other words, back in my day we didn't have toast!

Back in my day you wouldn't replace a space heater with an outer space heater, stars were too big & hot to bring into our homes in those days.

Back in my day we'd chalk-outline cats who were sleeping on the sidewalks.

May Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you sun for brightening up my day.

Thank you nodding for never telling me no.

Thank you dinosaurs for making sure all your Pangean Idol audition tapes were destroyed along with you.

Thank you stomach for not turning on me.

Thank you broom for never sweeping me under the rug.

May Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Your dog died.
Optimistic View:  All Dogs Go to Heaven
Pessimistic View:  Watching All Dogs Go to Heaven will make you miss him more.

Your cat died.
Optimistic View:  Cats have 9 lives!
Pessimistic View:  Their other 8 lives are spent in different circles of hell.

Your hamster died.
Optimistic View:  I just got new shoes!
Pessimistic View:  Now I have to research if it's ok for my snake to eat a dead hamster.

Your phone died.
Optimistic View:  After I plug it back in it will resurrect & tell me about the afterlife again! In phone heaven there is no touching or talking or vibrating.
Pessimistic View:  I always thought my phone would die in a cool way so that I could tell all my friends, not of boring old natural causes.

Your hair died.
Pessimistic View:  "All growth comes from death," the religious sucker will say, grasping at straws to teach an ignorant lesson that no one will benefit from.
Optimistic View:  Hair is cool because it can do both kinds of dying.

May Think About it Thursdays👆

Can you stand on an illegible ledge?

Why does Scotch Tape keep befriending measuring tape when it hates to be judged?

May Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a pound of ducks. Ducks weigh more than one pound.

I feel like a gallon of liquid rope that cannot be climbed.

I feel like a human hybrid hybrid.

I feel like Private First Class Obvious.

May Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that time when freshly boiled sandwiches were the #1 food in the USA?

Does anyone else remember a time when being seen eating Frozen Cactuses was taboo?

Sunday, May 28, 2017

May R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Train your drone to give busy people surprise haircuts as they walk about.
2. Tape change to your ransom notes in case your victims can't break a $100.
3. Wave back at people who wildly wave at you from the ocean.
4. Leave Easter eggs hidden in your yard year round.
5. Be a benchwarmer for the homeless.
6. Pray for someone’s dry cleaning
7. Mow your neighbor's lawn then burn the clippings to release the evil grasshopper spirits that cause your neighbor to be a jerk.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Survey Saturday

How easy was it to take this survey?
❑ Easy
❑ Easier
❑ Easiest
❑ Easiest ever
❑ Easiest thing ever in life
☑ Easiest thing in the history of the world
☒ You're making it sound like this is easy for everyone else & I found it hard so now I am internally despondent.
❑ It was so hard I didn't finish reading it or anything else you've ever written thus my opinion doesn't count.

Friday, May 26, 2017


Of every mountain I am the king
It ain't about the summit it's about what I bring

I don't make nice but I think twice
Ain't got the skills to break the ice
But I keep the party rocking morning noon & night
Most don't rock noon, they on their lunch break
Let me tell ya boy, ain't an ounce of me fake
Maybe a gram or two when I got Spam in tooth.
I keep my spirits higher than a flag on a roof
I ain't blowin on a pole
But I take my toll then let you roll

I don't lose control but I don't find it either
I got more rhymes than Beaver Cleaver
Cause that's just one
I'm more than thrice the fun
Like a rocking beach party with drinks in the sun

This a smooth groove like a spoon in peanut butter
I do it like no other
Won't insult your mother
Won't say bro instead of brother
I keep it clean & I keep it tight
I'm fresher than a screendoor full of flies

I'll add tears to your eyes
Won't apologize, that's living life
You need to feel it right
But I ain't gonna cut like a knife or a scythe
I'm all about bringing to life
Tears of joy is what I deploy
Make you feel like you're playing with your favorite toy
Sick rhymes is what I destroy
I make the ill well
I'm bringing heaven to hell
Make your heart swell

I'll keep you alive & bring no jive
Sweeter than the honey from the hive
Go on & archive to your external drive
Cause me you'll never wanna forget
I spread healing like a pet vet
Rock you more than a sextet

Monday, May 22, 2017


Collect your thoughts or you'll never remember
You can't stop your heart but your heart can stop you
When do you want a flood of fumes?
I cannot remember this smell
But I can taste it with my blood
And now it invades my veins
And now nothing seems the same
And now the scent rings, the scent rings
A ringing in my unringed nose
But it's not enough!

Unrestricted, every door open but my legs are broken
I can see through the walls
But no one can see my cries for help
Everyone has sense-proof helmets on
We cannot hyphenate
We cannot come together
And now nothing seems the same
Not even forever
Forever is no longer about time
Forever is no time at all
I'll be in forever in no time
I'll be the rocket that does not fall
Orbital, 1/8 suffocating
My eyes are all white
No more blood
Forget the correction & exception & direction
Go nowhere

And when this is truth
Backend vicious truth
Nothing but lose to lose
Cannonballs end the miracles
Halt & falter
Bones fall apart at the finishing line
Everyday shattered on the inside
I can feel the trim, the cutting off is sinking in.
We will forget
We will forget forever
No time, no time, no time
No experience, no memory
Nothing, nothing, nothing
Halt & falter
Can't persist to be around
But can't move
Nowhere to go because there isn't somewhere left
Amused to the bone, soak it in because my funny bone has left
& It's invisible to the blind in the night
I won't wake up nor can I die

You are not trapped
You are the trap
Waiting for anything to come your way
The trap has no home
Home is all it needs
Home fall into my trap
Transparent explosion
Consensual field
Barking at the moon to death
Voice sputters out leaving no doubt that space cannot hear you
Time cannot breathe
Nothing is above or below anything
Forever is not time & nothing can sing
Sound has ended
No one ever calls


Friday, May 19, 2017

Non-Phonetic Alphabet📜

A as in Aisle
B as in Bee
C as in Sea
D as in Dee dee dee-dee dee dee dee
E as in Effigy
F as in Effigy
G as in Gnome
H as in Hour
I as in Eyeball
J as in Blue jay
K as in Cayman Islands
L as in El
M as in Emily
N as in Enter
O as in Owe
P as in Psychology
Q as in Cue ball
R as in Are
S as in Especially
T as in Pterodactyl
U as in You
V as in Vehicle
W as in Rap
X as in Ex
Y as in Why
Z as in Xylophone


Tuesday, May 16, 2017

+=- A Stas by Stas Stasis💖

I reload refresh
The mightiest colors in the room
Sight saw through me
Multiple lights in reference
I can't be a sand which turns to glass in your eye
Moth rises under overhauled bridges

Camp flame fire night knight revolved two rivers
A uncrust uncut filleted solution revels in farce
Dumb months edge a ward off
Warding off old goers
Going off new windows
Based on steam clouds
A stas by stas stasis
Rumbling in an Ovelope
Escaping tires escape from car rims
Rim welded micro-marshstress
Famed overseen ovens folded blankets with a fan blade spinning
Dizzy spinning every inning after this inning we'll go on an outing
Everywhere is somewhere, wholewhere, another
Parking seldom settles bagging cabbage nights that pertrudes invisibly
A line is a lumbering shadow shelter
Ice volume, clink clink
Shaking faces make lightning volunteers to burn in the sky beautifully
This is a world of pictures burrowing under sliding solaces
Addition buries subtraction in neutral fumes heralding sorrowful elbowlights

I rent vivistruction
No valid research to follow under eveningfalls of dry air

Illustration reconstructs events. I'm drawing bricks with bricks.
No clock in the yard. Dig up old excruciatingly long cases
Chattering lung flies by


+=- Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts.💖

Math mop cleans up spilt letters. Toast flounders like untoast. Giant thermometer spaceship measures the temperature of space.

5 Oceans made of cheese flavored jello

Donate your houseboat to evolved swimming koalas. Tours leave popcorn & tomatoes on the ground. Hacksaw your cold drinks open. Memories for miles, this space has weight.

Stepping-stone has intentions to disrupt the universal sundial. Undisclosed thankfulness recovers. Wool cabinet lounges. Flytrap spouts solutions to fried lawnmowers. And it spread. Nightly ape dog walkers. Fall finds feathers in fountains, all unnatural ingredients. Down all night. Gramophone abyss. Sullen octagonal rescue singing.

Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts. You must kick the right mug for education to appear. Adjoining stays. Second-hand ban. Mountain range collar. Woozy floor has nowhere to fall. Wax umbrella with an overt sound.

Monday, May 15, 2017

1,000th Lyrics/Poem I've written!

All Love for Sure

I wouldn't turn to another world
I would never pick any other girls
All I want is all I have
All I have is you

Just to have you in my eyes
Just to bring you a surprise
The joy in Joy's eyes
Jam–packed moments deeper than oceans
All love for sure

Friday, May 12, 2017

Tickin' Sicken

Secrets stay alive by laying dormant & dead.
The only things that keep you sane are in your heart & not your head.
The slow drip of everything, water boarding everywhere.
Tickles & twitches, the pulling of your hair.
Wait for the knife to slice up a meal.
Chew on this & that, the taste is the appeal.
Aftertaste & texture aren't a rocket ride
They are the exhaust in the air from which you can't hide

Incongruent double yawning
It all falls off but we still drudge on
Why aren't hammers ever harlots?
You know playing fair is cheating even when there is no love
So much is stolen
Sparks,  No hugs
Weeping & nowhere near the hill
But always prone

Everywhere is laying down
There is no wisdom that justifies anti-life

We'll all waste our sunny days
Oblivious if the flower fades
Everywhere everyone lays
Paid yet the ones who pay

Tickin'! Sicken!
Tickin'! Sicken!

A sick end!
Isolated ('ated 'ated)

Everything is Aloha

Everything is aloha
Every hello a goodbye
I'm with you on your first day
You'll be with me on the last of mine
Everyday is aloha
Good morning goodbye
Good evening goodnight
Every change is aloha
Hello & goodbye
I won't end it & I won't stay back
No more strength for "Why?"
It's all a twinkling of an eye
The twinkle of a tear

I'm running low, ha
No way to go, na
I'm running low, waa?
Fully froze, gah

I waste my know
It'll never matter again
Time is worse than slow
When wasted on others' whens

Everything is aloha
There's only time to breathe while drowning
Only time to hold while alone

Their every way is aloha
That's not my way
My way is home


Sunday, April 30, 2017

It's Alike April Lessons🎓

Science is a lot like butter, it proves that butter exists.

A blanket is a lot like a bus on fire. If one lays on you you'll get warm & sleepy.

Plastic is a lot like the Web, it's a better alternative to paper.

Software is a lot like tableware, neither are used as insults.

Leaves are a lot like candied yams, they're both terrible to use as forks.

A shadow is a lot like a teacup, if the shadow is the shadow of a teacup.

Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.

Mist is a lot like fog but misty eyed & foggy eyed are very different.

Nails are a lot like lettuce, they both have heads that don't wear hats.

Santa is a lot like furniture. If you're the one sitting everything is fine. If you're the one being sat on, there's a problem.

Pine needles are a lot like marbles, they aren't good salad ingredients.

Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to take yours.

Oranges are a lot like sinks, neither rhyme with rail.

Rolls are a lot like everything, they taste better in soup.

Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink it out of a tap.

A bucket of water is a lot like a man holding a glass of Easter eggnog, if you juggle them, they'll both spill.

Roosters are a lot like crows, they both crow in the morning.

Gymnasts are a lot like fugitives. It's particularly exciting when they jump off of something.

Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly sized slices of bread.

Eyeballs are a lot like cue balls. They are both alphabet based balls which do not contain the letter they sound like.

Windows are a lot like whips, if you crack them you'll feel a breeze.

Fingers are a lot like missiles, if you point 'em at the wrong place people could blow up.

Zippers are a lot like alligator mouths, they're scariest when opened.

Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting in movies.

Scarves are a lot like cosplaying pythons, soft.

A camera is a lot like a bank vault. If you touch your eye to one you'll soon have a picture taken.

Drawers are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes. So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.

Typewriters are a lot like mailmen, they both bring you letters.

Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands on 'em.

A pet turtle is a lot like a taco, it has a hard shell & it upsets you when it spills your cheese.


April Appreciation📦

You're like a speck of dust, when there are thousands of you it makes me uncomfortable.

Are you a fortune teller? Because I can see my future with you.

You're like a desk, you're a good place to keep a laptop.

You're like a button but not the kind you push, that would be bad, I don't want to push you. I mean the kind on my shirt, close to my heart.

You're like a plastic bag, you make a lot of noise when crumbled up.

I could talk to you until the cows come home. They get off work at 6.

You're like a catapult, I want you to throw some crap away.

You're like my sternum because you keep my heart warm.

You're like a bestseller, I want to leave you at the store.

You're like a scarf in the cold I want you around my neck.

You're like a poster. I look at you if you're hanging on my wall.

You're like an eyelash, I want to blow you away.

You're like a smell, I can tell you're around.

You're like a birthday, you make me celebrate.

You're like wool, I don't want you on a sheep.

You're like a tooth, you're always a part of my smile.

You're like a machine, I don't like it when you smoke.

You're like a horse because I'm betting on you.

You're like a fork, you're good at stabbing.

You're like a nail in a doorway, I'm stuck on you.

You're like a skateboard, you won't fit in my cereal bowl.

You're like a crown because you make me feel like a king.

You're like a minus sign, you shouldn't be crossed.

You're like a moat. I want you around my castle.

You're like a pie, you need to cool off.

You're like cash, if I find you on the ground I'm gonna pick you up.

You're like an onion, when you get cut I cry.

You're like a crayon you won't stay in the box.

You're like a P.O. box because you're full of letters (after you eat alphabet soup).

You're like a marshmallow. I've never seen you in a hot air balloon, but I'd like to.


April R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Break into your neighbor's house & cook them a meal with all of their food that is about to expire.
2. Give someone a hug coupon that is valid at any person's arms.
3. Order beach towels in bulk & throw them into the ocean to try to help the beach finally dry off.
4. Make "Stay Well" cards for people who already feel great.
5. Secretly tape a family's treasured moments for a future gift.
6. Clean up a kid's room & do his homework.
7. Say goodbye to everyone you pass.


April Selfesque Sundays📣

I don't see races, I only see fun runs.

I wouldn't sell out for all the tea in China because that would be really mean to all the Chinese people who love to drink tea.

I'm colorblind, I don't see race or religion or traffic lights.

..No, I'm not a fan but I'm still really cool.

I'm on illegal drugs, I mean illegal for other people if they don't have a prescription for it.


April Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day calculators didn't have 1s or 3s because they didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself & fill all the row boats with goo. And unlucky for us the mathematical formula that disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.

Back in my day even the ghosts wore togas!

Back in my day lab mice never had to make their own sandwiches.

Back in my day we could skewer ice cubes & let them melt to create holy water.


April Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you shirt for having my back.

Thank you keys for getting my motor runnin'.

Thank you nigh quill for being close to me.

Thank you preserves for being my jam.


April Weigh It Wednesdays💪

You went bald after drinking a truth serum
Pessimistic View:  I can't lie about being ok with this.
Optimistic View:  I've discovered a hidden prejudice against bald people & will hire a bald therapist to help me work through it over the coming millennia.

Your metal detector ring keeps detecting metal in your sandwiches
Optimistic View:  My delicious blood sandwich is just very rich in iron.
Pessimistic View:  Now I have to buy a mood ring too to detect the mood of the person who put the metal in my sandwich.

Truckers keep trying to sell me families of koalas
Optimistic View:  I could make a killing as a koala photographer!
Pessimistic View:  Those aren't real families, I don't see a ring on her finger!

You're so boring that when tumbleweed sees you it blows the other way
Pessimistic View:  You're too boring to have views.
Optimistic View:  That tumbleweed is gonna make it to Canada!


April Think About it Thursdays👆

What's your true wish, world peace or a piece of the world?

What is your favorite brand toothbrush to demeaningly clean a toilet with?

If you could bury one thing with yourself what would it be? Mine would be a Wi-Fi hotspot that helps funeral goers disrespect the dead as a rib on the newbies.

Don't you hate shaved ice? It's so hard to get the shaving cream taste out.


April Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like an educational French fry, the only kind of clean French fry people don't like.

I feel like a kitten party bus broke down in front of my house for life!

I feel like sending chainmail chain letters but can't afford the increased postage.

I feel like a space chimp that would've rather rode in a hot air balloon.


April Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that day baseball was replaced with basesandwich & all the balls were sandwiches & it was nothin' but inside-the-park home runs because the sandwich had to be reassembled before anyone could be thrown out?

Does anyone else remember that time when reverse mermaid sharks made us jello candles with wicks of Pixy Stix, then everyone protested Wonka for bioengineering human shark hybrids? Then Wonka was like, "Dude, here's some free candy" & that's how Trick or Treating was invented.

Does anyone else remember that time when those trapezists snuck into our hand pile huddle & yelled "Whoa Trapezery!" & swung up & away out of sight?

Does anyone else remember that time when the floor was made of lava & lava was made of floors so rolls of linoleum spewed out of Mt. St. Flora?

Does anyone else remember that time when the phone was possessed by dead telemarketers? That's why we'd always hang up on them.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Survey Saturday

What is your ideal date?
❑ April 29, 2017
❑ Barmundah 21, 1733
❑ Sha'ban 2, 1438
❑ Iyar 3, 5777
❑ April 16, 2017
☑ That new calendar we'll use after the apocalypse later today.

Sunday, April 3, 2017

But the cage has feed

Sighing collage
Ages away from anything that matters
Listen to the unlit matches
Scramble to be not one of the catches
May the light without burning my heart?
May I might find the end & think not of the start?

Shins don't drown they just feel cool
Rather feel the flow than the still of a pool
The sky ripples on the ground
The sound of a beating that isn't a heart

But the cage has feed
And that's what we need
The cage has feed

Thank those lucky stars that burned out long ago
Live thanks, sleep, grow
Convenient collapse
I want to land & stay
Can't move another day

Are these signs repeating or am I driving in circles?
Ain't no use in running unless you bazooka the hurdles
Thank you teeth for keeping us honest
No thank you feet, you're never lasting

But the cage has feed
Can't farm or grow a seed
The cage has feed
Which house is mine
The slaughter house or the daughter house?
Both have my blood
Only one needs it spilt
Cozy cube or cozy quilt
But the cage has feed
But the cage has feed

Alive & alone
Sleepy not honed
Don't keep this in the picture when you paint my life
I choose the colors, I choose the photos, memories alive
And the love that makes you live..
And the lights that makes you dry..
I have it all but nothing to give
I live the wonder but still wonder why


Saturday, April 1, 2017

Piemerica's Prank Ideas for April Fools Day📜

• Swap the signs on the shallow & deep ends of the pool.
• Leave a tiny ransom note for the single grape you abducted from the grocery.
• Serve someone with papers for a fake law suit
• Tie together the shoelaces of non-matching shoes
• Put fake fruit in the fruit drawer & fake milk in the milk carton
• Scrape the letters off of a contemporary's keyboard
• Baby turtles & a bent envelope filled with green ooze in the storm drain
• Leave a phone in the toilet that matches their model
• 3 way call your friend & a doctor's office & stay silent.
• Landmines in their garden, finding a fake one would be good but if you want to kill them leave live ones in there. There's a special club in heaven for people who died from April Fool's pranks.
• Into a toaster drop an item that will result in stinkerization if heated.
• Pepper in the pillowcase
• Pee your pants & pretend it was an April Fool's prank because you've always wanted to pee in public.
• Send a rocket into low orbit at night to masquerade as a shooting star so the chumps you prank make a wishes that won't come true. #BillionDollarPrank
• Put "Free Candy" signs in people's yards then on their front door put signs that say, "Candy 'round back. --►"
• Have all your family learn Mandarin to prank your uncle into thinking we've been taken over by the Chinese.


Friday, March 31, 2017

March is When Lessons🎓

When you visit a hunter's house & they have a bunch of empty wall mounts it's because they're a ghost hunter & those are the ghosts they've killed.

When you want to do something heroic, speak in a heroic tone.

When you draw water from a well using an orange it confuses things. Use blue & draw the well too.

When something cost an arm & a leg make sure to use exact change unless you're lucky enough to get the 5 finger discount.

When you build a staircase with just one stair it's a stair case.

When life gives you lemonade, take the day off.

When you're budgeting for a trip it's better not to take the trip. It doesn't matter if you can afford it. The pain of the injuries aren't worth it.

When The Going gets Tough, The Tough gets Going & soon wedding bells are ringing.

Be careful when considering the purchase of farmland. Most people I've heard of who bought a farm died right around the same time.

Back in the tube days, a man could choose to sit on a tv to be on TV.

When your psychiatrist gives you a milk blot test instead of an ink blot test he's trying to see if you cry over spilt milk.

When it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.

It's easy to tell when you're close but yes cigar because you can smell the cigar.

When you wear a dirty shirt you look like a lazy slob unless the shirt also has paint on it, that makes you look like a hard worker.

Beware the Ides of March because they make you google what ides are & the result is very disappointing.

When your favorite movie is Credits II: The Discrediting, you should probably become an avid reader of bibliographies.

A bad way to say you eat a lot is, "I always love satin'."

Now throw your hands in the air & wave em like you just don't care & if you are seen by a bear he won't come ova here, not ova here!

You know you grew up poor when your watch had a second hand second hand.

Be careful who you ask for change for a quarter. Ask the wrong person & you could end up hospitalized for 3 months.

You must learn to crawl before you can learn.. to work your way up the adult/baby racing circuit.

There's no time like the present except every moment of time ever because all of the past used to be the present & all of the future will be the present.

Before you can change the world, you must first.. find a fluffy pirate shirt big enough to fit it.

After all these years it's time to give up on creating a Furby/duckling cyborg.

For a better start to your day have your alarm use your favorite TV theme song.

When you spill food one morsel travels to another dimension before it hits the ground & lands in a bowl to feed their poor.

Every time you upgrade your KFC order a chicken loses its wings.

When your favorite color is red but favorite Popsicle® flavor is purple you're making the rainbow cry.

When your bowling ball is heavier than your bawling bowl hydrate the bowl by putting soup in it then have it speak to a licensed bowl therapist to discover the root of its sorrows.

Before you borrow a monkey's socks remember, they're not socks they're gloves. Don't be swindled by sock monkeys, unless you have an appointment, they will respect your punctuality & give you human socks at fair market price.

Sometimes now is whenever.


Days of March📦

It's a tightly hugging loaves of bread at the supermarket kinda day.

It's a 3D printing inedible licorice replicas kinda day.

It's a squash buckling, crash testing kinda day.

It's a lampshade funnel kinda day.

It's a pillow grilling kinda day.

It's a mailing toast to old Facebook friends kinda day. Go check your mail now!

It's a juggling toothpicks with your eyelashes kinda day.

It's a squeegeing the ocean kinda day.

It's a using an Irish snake as a stomach pump kinda day.

It's a beandip bleaching kinda day.

It's a tuba shadow appreciation kinda day.

It's an orca bowling kinda day.

It's a burying an oral thermometer kinda day.

It's a mourning marshmallows that melted of natural causes kinda day.

It's an order a 2nd dresser to use as a hamper kinda day.


March Selfesque Sundays📣

…No, I wasn't talking to myself, I could sense you were going to enter the room.

I bet you a thousand dollars I wouldn't be able to pay you a thousand dollars if I lost this bet.

The thing I hate the most about the DMV is that they make you do eye tests instead of taste tests.

I'm more sedentary than a wallet.


March Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day we had to syphon bowling balls from the ball return, it wasn't automatic.

Back in my day we didn't have Emotions, cheerleaders hadn't perfected the vowels yet.

Back in my day we only had 2 oceans, but of course my day was on a different planet.

Back in my day everyone lost their marbles that's why kids don't play with marbles anymore.


March Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you cheese for not cutting yourself.

Thank you sweets for never ruining my appetite.. for more sweets.

Thank you spine for helping me stand up for myself.

Thank you jellyfish for never breathing down my neck.


March Weigh It Wednesdays💪

You have ants in your pants.
Pessimistic View:  Eww, no! Ahhh! Hehehe. Ecch!
Optimistic View:  So THAT'S where I put my pic•i•nic basket!.

The dog ate your homework
Optimistic View:  YES! It finally happened!
Pessimistic View:  Sucks that I'm [insert your seasoned adult age here] before this finally happened.

The snow melted & revealed your yard is filled with sponges
Pessimistic View:  It feels very weird to walk in my yard now, worse than walking in mud barefoot.
Optimistic View:  This will make my compulsive egg juggling habit less messy.

You're parents are getting a divorce
Optimistic View:  It's not a broken home, it was just a home built from incompatible materials.
Pessimistic View:  Time travelling great great grandma & grandpa aren't gonna be happy.

Your car was stolen.
Pessimistic View:  I'm stranded! What a horrible day!
Optimistic View:  Maybe they'll hear the guy in the trunk &, unlike me, be able to figure out how to free him.


March Think About it Thursdays👆

Pineapple, what are you pining for at your core?

What other kind of preference is there other than a personal preference? One imposed by the state?

Hey! Watch it pal! What's the moderately-sized idea?

Would you rather be in jail or a pail? Pails don't get much work these days, it's all milk & beaches. Pretty sweet gigs.

Do you know the difference between you & me? I mean besides the spelling, pronunciation, & definition?


March Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a marble in a maze, a corn maze.

I feel like punching a monitor lizard's 11th slot on its 12th sno-cone is free card.

I feel like food packaging should be self-microwaving.

I feel like pinecone is the worst ice-cream flavour unless you have really bad breath.

I feel like a battery powered toaster hiding in a mailbox trying to heroically burn junk mail.


March Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that time when scientists found out Kryptonite was real but Superman still wasn't so they didn't bother to add it to the periodic table?

Does anyone else remember that time when a mustard tanker wrecked off the coast of Darfur & we all swam around & got yellow bellies?

Does anyone else remember that time when New Year's Day came early because everyone thought it was a leap year when it wasn't & no one was ready to celebrate because they were asleep?

Does anyone else remember that time when we went to the taco bar & we got beat up by drunken tacos?


Sunday, March 26, 2017

March R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Hang out with your friends as often as possible so they can maintain alibis.
2. Paste pictures of you smiling all over the neighborhood to cheer people up.
3. Shave "Wash Me" into a hairy man's back.
4. Set up a fake grave to bury treasure in.
5. Run your noisy bubble machine incessantly at the park.
6. Tell people why you refuse to speak to them.
7. Carry a bell around with you to notify establishments of their fine service.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Survey Saturday

Which organ is your favorite to donate weekly?
☑ Heart (metaphorically)
❑ Skin (it's the biggest organ so that makes me the biggest hero!)
☒ Pancreas (because you love unnecessary surgery)


Monday, March 20, 2017

Spring Cleaning Checklist (So can you?)📜

❑ Alphabetize peanuts based on shape
❑ Sandblast television
❑ Find missing giant banana that was in the tuba
❑ Pluck cactus leash
❑ Dust inside of milk cartons
❑ Wash soap with better soap
❑ Paint fake tunnels around nail holes to fool insects
❑ Polish closet floors
❑ Shake out pitted olives
❑ Water light bulbs so they'll become light flowers
❑ Replace battery in Power Wheels get-away tractor
❑ Put wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man on top of chimney
❑ Use garbage disposal to get rid of excess sand
❑ Chronologize Cheerios™ based on tint
❑ Waterproof Hi-C® cellar
❑ Flatten bowls to use as plates
❑ Sharpen cheeses
❑ Deep clean unused copy paper
❑ Disinfect collection of rare, incurable diseases
❑ Knock out exterior bathroom wall to air out shower & tub.
❑ Donate used toilet brush
❑ Mop paintings
❑ Unclog main electrical line
❑ Throw out expired Kevlar®
❑ Ride in the dryer on high heat to remove that stubborn belly button lint
❑ Rotate your drains
❑ Moisturize baguette bench
❑ Shine life-sized Cerebro replica
❑ Delouse coconuts with coconut oil
❑ Binge on expired vitamins & medications
❑ Destroy spider habitats
❑ Dehinge rinds
❑ Remove grill marks from grill
❑ Luge the gutters
❑ Trim the squirrels
❑ Kool-Aid the sprinklers
❑ Uproot talons
❑ Fold the straitjackets to make them sound oxymoronic
❑ Reseal the ice cubes & ice rhombohedrons

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Bone Schwa

Thursday, March 2, 2017

I'm gonna take my life

Now I am walking away from the falsehoods that made me stay
In a broken mind in a broken world in broken humanity
But I know the healer
I know the cure
& I will never witness again the thoughts that made me poor

Lies took everything from me
All the wrong signs still had the right name
And I will never feel the same shame & anti-bliss
Because I am gonna take my life
Yes I am gonna take my life
It's my life the gift is mine
Thank you God, my heart always shines
I wanna take my life
Yes I am gonna take my life

No more fights no more wars
No more blight no more sores
No more pain, only love
No more double minded torture with a false flag from above

Forget the walk, I'll rest with you
Nevermind the talk, Blue is not true
unless it is the sky
Oh my.. life!
I wanna take my life!
I'm gonna take my life!
To keep & share
I know where
Here & now
No more "How?"
No more "How?"
Here & now forever

I am free
I took the life He put inside of me
Not bereft, not a mind of death
I took my life & His life takes me

The only darkness brings rest at night
& I am gonna take my life
Yes I'm gonna take my life
I'll shout it twice!
I want to take my life!
Yes I AM gonna take my LIFE!
Life is glory

Heaven is Here, Better than Wings

I cannot fall
This is better than wings
Better than wings
A whole new world
A whole new sky
Heaven is here

I wanna raise Hell
To throw it into the sun
From all the feelings of life I can choose fun
Inside this well I cannot drown
I drink it in & wear my crown NOW

Heaven is here
This is better than wings
I get so high that I can't be seen
Heaven is here
This is better than wings

An atmosphere without fear where everything is clear
Everything is seen & everything is clean
Blowing beautifully in the wind
Love is my best friend

Heaven is here
This is better than wings
I can do anything
No pressure high or low
Everywhere I can go

Heaven is here
This is better than dreams
Literally better than I ever could have dream
The prison is gone
Only the truth sings
& it rocks!

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Taste Enemies

Wild waves, wild waves
I'm never in the water
I'm never in the sand
I'm always thinking harder
Hard thoughts but no plans

Can I shoe you away?
Keep your feet clean & cut free
Going through the wild waves
I'm never in the water

I hope my secrets will not manifest as a contest.
I hope my skewers will not make me a vent.
Blowing through me, blowing through me, the waves
Waves of air

Oh I want to follow me down hill
No one tends to trust my songs
Soapy toast makes taste buds halt!
Now they are my taste enemies!

Scrambled Eggs & Scrambled Channels

I want to stay true
While kidding around
I want to be a gopher's friend in a corn maze, a maze maze!
I feel like dirt is a prefectly acceptable travel route
& I feel like a cabbage crying its googly eyes out
Cause those are the hardest eyes to cry from but the easiest to cry out

I feel like walking through the spillage from a tipped over barrel of tiny novelty couches
The kind that open up your scissors to cut for them a tent

Scrambled eggs & scrambled channels for both you have to pay
Scrambled brains & scrambled cameras both make you look away, make you want to play

Night time disco movie, projector on the floor
Everyone is coming to see you because their blindfolds all tore

I'm not just one
I am a winner of the truth
Not compensating for anything
I just know that life can be a groove
And feel so smooth
Speed bumps with goosebumps loving their job

I want to be your cereal mascot & add sweets to milk
I'll help you forget the havoc
Grab my bunny ears & hold on
I'll make a noise you cannot hear
I'll be the wheel you hold & steer
Let's ride the road that is wet
Again & again & again! So we don't forget.


Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Fooduary Lessons🎓

If the zoo catches fire hope next day for an exotic buffet.

Hammond Eggs have the most vitamin B3.

Cloud servers always be dropping food.

Throw out your futon if aliens come to earth because futons make it far too easy for the aliens to eat us as tacos.

They should change the word bonus to donus because it sounds like doughnuts & thinking of doughnuts makes you feel even better.

They stopped selling milk in the yellow jug because your milk would sneakily drink your orange juice while your fridge door was closed.

If your flying cup keeps escaping, fill it with rocks & sand & water & Fruity Pebbles.

Moonshiner = Man of Still

Get out of the mouthless cerebellum catering business.

Putting lettuce under your bacon to keep your plate from getting greasy doesn't count as salad.

Apple marionettes allow for apple core·e·ography.

Everybody eats poo because poo is made out of food. Food is just pre-poo.

If you use a butcher knife made of petrified meat you can pork chop a pork chop.

A mass toaster shaking would solve world hunger. Although 17 minutes later world hunger would resume.

Sentient hamburgers shouldn't visit America or they'll be eaten! And they should never befriend a sentient mustard. Mustards are racist against salsa & horsey sauce & thought balloons.

Use a watering can to strain foods.

Live snakes shouldn't be eaten tail first.

You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills.

Don't propose a toast to butter when it's on a roll.

So you've got carbon dating, well if a soda's flat that's carbonation dating. Oh!

Ice melts if you tickle it.

Tap water is running water, bottled water is jogging water, bath water is sitting water, birdbath water is standing water, pool water is laying water, pond water is ducking water, spilt water is bending over water, holy water is bowing water, digested water is squatting water.

Chips & dips aren’t friends. They get each other eaten.

When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it coming.

If you eat mannequins as a substitute for eating humans you're a mannecannebal.

To get free toppings at a frozen yogurt shoppe say something really mean so they start throwing toppings at you.

If someone gives you a sash made of butter they're planning on cooking you.

Drinking gasoline makes you the ultimate foodie because you're dining on dinosaurs.


February Frustrations📦

Don't you hate it when you visit a haunted house & you find out it's your ghost that's haunting it & that ghosts are time travelers who aren't  allowed to occupy the time-frame after they died?

Don't you hate it when you buy a bunch of yarn thinking your cat will play with it but it doesn't so you sit the open boxes of yarn outside on the curb & you have problem with stray cats now?

Don't you hate it when racists throw away toast because it gets too dark?

Don't you hate it when your favorite book gets turned into a movie but the adaptation is so faithful that it's just the text from the book shown on the screen & it doesn't stay on a page long enough for you to finish reading it?

Don't you hate it when someone asks if they can borrow your garden hose.. or did they say garden hoes?

Don't you hate it when everyone laughs at you after you tell a killer joke? People who laugh at jokes about killers have no class!

Don't you hate it when your coat won't unzip & you wonder aloud, "Why did I have to see if this still fits during the summer!?" then you have to turn the A/C way up to compensate until your mom comes over to get your zipper unstuck?

Don't you hate it when your milk man shows up late, 60 years late?

Don't you hate to lose your permanent marker when you thought "IT WAS THE ONE THING IN LIFE I COULD COUNT ON!" & now you weep openly day & night?

Don't you hate it when The Sandwich Tickler sneaks in & gets crumbs all over your plate? That's what happened. That's why there's crumbs there. It doesn't matter if you stood next to the sandwich the whole time. The Sandwich Tickler is tiny.. a..and invisible!

Don't you hate it when you accidentally bring in the trash instead of the groceries because you use Hefty bags as your reusable shopping totes?

Don't you hate it when your yard becomes sentient & orders an NBA Jam arcade machine because your yard's voice sounds just like the announcer's voice in the game & you keep hearing, "He's on fire!" making you wonder if someone is actually on fire or if your yard is just better at you at performing sick slam dunks in the game? And don't you hate it that you sorta wish someone were actually on fire for once? That game is stupid anyway. I think it's time to mow the lawn!

Don't you hate it when a comet is going to crash into the earth & humanity has to be like, "Dude, stop texting & cometing!"

Don't you hate it when people never finish reading what you write? Hey come back here! I'm not finished with you yet! You just made a powerful ene... rgy pulse through my being wishing, "Golly, I'd like if you'd finish reading this." Oh! You came back! Well this is uncomfortable. Bu..bu..bu..but thanks! Ok you can keep scrolling now. Th.th..ats all I have to say for today. Um, you, your kindness will not be forgotten.. by me. Other people, they, they may forget it but, uh, not me. Ok c'mon, this is too much. I did't mean for it to be like this! Stop! Just stoppp.... An unregarded, confuddled obese man who never got a break. Now he has what he's wanted - and he's going to have to live with it for eternity, forever awkwardly typing to an audience, in the Twilight Zone.


February Selfesque Sundays📣

I'm 31 years sober. I was addicted to placenta for nine months.

Next on my bucket list, to scold all the buckets used in the ice bucket challenge because they only helped charity once.

I wasn't born yesterday but if I was this would be the best day of my life.

I don't trust my phone to read the phone book without calling someone from it.


February Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day if you saw a donkey wearing pants it would mean there's a thunderstorm approaching & you've gone deaf.

Back in my day we didn't talk about the weather unless the weather talked about us. "And the wind cries.."

Back in my day carhops at drive-in restaurants were also mechanics because they needed to drum up business for the declining industry.

Back in my day omg stood for One Man Gang.


February Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you wrist splint for always being straight with me.

Thank you loud snoring for giving me an alibi every night.

Thank you red light for never letting me go.

Thank you darkness for never outshining me.


February Weigh It Wednesdays💪

A car ran over your foot
Pessimistic View:  Oh no! My foot! AAAA!
Optimistic View:  I love being a land owner! Next year I'm gonna buy a second square foot of land, non-adjacent of course. Oh were I to afford square foot adjacency I would spend my money on finer things.

You found a snake in your bed
Pessimistic View:  I'll never be able to go to sleep again!
Optimistic View:  Aha! Memory foam is made of snakes! I'll blackmail the mattress industry for millions!

A helicopter chopped off your hand
Optimistic View:  I can be airlifted quickly to the nearest hospital.
Pessimistic View:  My helicopter is a lousy chef.

There's a shark in your pool!
Pessimistic View:  Unfavorably there are no tributaries for him to exit forthwith under his own accord.
Optimistic View:  I must have some really powerful enemies for this to happen. My death is gonna make the papers! And not just the obituary this time! I'm talking tragically bold mega-headings!


February Think About it Thursdays👆

Who wore Worcestershire wings to be eaten? Was it West-Angel Willie?

Are you deeper than a mountain top?

You ever try to color fire with your blood because the fire is too orange?

Ow my third foot! Where'd my third foot go?


February Friday's Feelings💕

I feel sorry for old clowns who think cement mixers are gimmicked circus cannons.

I feel like a duck in a tree trying to swim in a bird’s nest.

I feel like an windbag airbag.

I feel like nails wishing they could be the nails across the chalkboard to dominate the entire scope of nail loudness with the hammereding AND the scratching.


February Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember a time when cleaning your plate simply meant eating a lot rather than washing a plate?

Does anyone else remember when we found that carrier pigeon in the mailbox because he didn't feel like flying down our long driveway?

Does anyone else remember that time when we met that whale that could play guitar & we were like, "Wow! You rock! Here try this electric guitar!" & the whale said "Great! I've never played one of these before!" & he took it & got electrocuted to death & we all ate whale that night & all the nights for the rest of our lives?

Does anyone else remember a time when burning candles was barbaric & people wondered aloud all day in Yiddish accents, "What's the deal with candles? Why do they make em if we can't burn 'em? What's the difference between em & 'em?"


Sunday, February 26, 2017

February R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Enter a talent contest to show off your talent of judging talent.
2. Help someone to speed up & be on time by flashing them a creepy smile.
3. Carry someone's groceries into their house using your army of slave turtles.
4. Lay flowers on the chests of people who are about to die.
5. Leave a web QR code inside of your library book that links to your review of the book.
6. Feed birds.. the truth.
7. Cure homelessness by giving away your unused stock of Barbie's Dreamhouses.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Survey Saturday

Where is the best place to keep an extra umbrella?
❑ In a 1970s science book.
☒ In science
☑ Outside of the realm of science


Monday, February 20, 2017

Catching up with Michael Reyes, Emperor of Piemerica

217 Answers for 2017📜

1. Can or Do you still play twister?
No, my feet are colorblind
2. What's your favourite pizza topping?
Several other supreme pizzas
3. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shoes come in pairs now?
4. Do you have any pets?
Yes all peeves
5. What would your hero name be?
Graffie Zeppie
6. What would your hero outfit be?
A clear plastic portable closet
7. What would you do if you won the lottery?
Buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner shares the money with me
8. Which form of public transport do you prefer?
tribunal cycle
9. Are you psychic in any way?
I knew you were going to ask me that.
10. Are you a good dancer?
Yeah I donate my dances to the homeless to help them busk
11. Have you ever been bungee jumping?
 I used a bungee cord as a jump rope and that counts!
12. Where would your dream holiday be?
One where teleportation is the travel method.
13. Can you tap dance?
Sure what do you want me to tell it after I get its attention?
14. What's your favourite film?
15. What's your favourite alcoholic drink?
Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.. and just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.
16. What's your favourite boyband?
17. If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
I would make it so time machines would be invented earlier
18. How many hats do you own?
None. I believe in the inherent autonomy of cranial accessories
19. Are you any good at pool?
I can barely swim
20. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
Not that I'll admit.
21. Have you ever had any brushes with the law?
What is that? A new way of doing coke?
22. Have you ever been on TV?
Back in the tube days, when a man could choose to sit on a tv.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Can you meet yourself?
24. Have you ever been to Legoland?
If you count the crappy empty square replica I made myself, yes.
25. Have you ever done something heroic?
I've spoken in a heroic tone.
26. Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?
All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.
27. Do you prefer baths or showers?
For babies I like both
28. What colour socks are you wearing?
Underwear color is private
29. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Of course, I'd hate to lose weight just to become famous
30. Would you ever go on Big Brother?
No, but maybe while I was a baby when he changed my diaper I went on him
31. How big is your TV?
Pends on how big I write it.
32. What type of music do you like?
The outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.
33. How big is your house?
34. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
There's a difference?
35. What do you typically have for breakfast?
The usual
36. Do you like scary movies?
I hate the smell of burning celluloid.
37. How long can you balance on one foot?
Depends on how long the person's foot can handle the pain of me standing on it.
38. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, the poor guy, it was two days before his retirement
39. What's your favourite clean word?
spick (without span because spickets bring you water)
40. What's your favourite swear word?
41. What's your least favourite word?
less, & surprisingly (to you) least is my second least favorite word
42. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
30+ hours but I plan on breaking that record after I die
43. What's the tallest building you've ever been up?
Not sure, maybe I've been in buildings that have 90 stories buried deep below, like a library that buries its old books.
44. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
The clothes, because I change those anyway
45. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?
46. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes?
No I can't get any dye out of my tie, stupid thing!
47. Are you reliable?
If I have to procrastinate before answering that means no right?
48. Are you proud of yourself?
Yes, yourself is a wonderful word.
49. Have you ever had a secret admirer
Secret is in the name, How would I know? HOW would I know?
50. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
What is the answer to that question about what question I would ask you? I can't think of one… yet. Crud you still haven't thought of one? It's been forty years!
51. Do you hold grudges?
Depends on how much you pay me.
52. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create?
I'd rather do it in a lab than have them make whoopee.
53. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas?
No, I've learned that when it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
54. Are you much of a gambler?
I bet I'm not.
55. Are you much of a daredevil?
I'm more of a truthdevil.
56. Are you a good liar?
That's an oxymoron
57. Are you any good at charades?
Permit me to demonstrate my answer..
58. How long could you go without talking?
59. Have you ever sleepwalked?
No. I only sleep luge.
60. Can you play poker?
Only the fireplace kind.
61. What traditionally adorns the top of your Christmas tree?
62. Can you impersonate anyone famous?
Not without lawyers getting involved.
63. What's your favourite accent?
Is umlaut an accent?
64. What do you like on your toast?
Not crackers that's for soiten
65. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
I like prison bars of soap
66. How do you have your eggs?
I don't produce eggs.
67. What's your favourite saying?
"I can't say."
68. Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
Yeah I can bend over that far
69. What do you have on your fridge door?
Edible magnets
70. Do you love or hate Myspace?
I think everyone is entitled to their own space
71. What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
The torso part?
72. Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
That's a unique accent you have!
73. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
Yeah & non-bubble gum too, OOOH
74. Can you curl your tongue?
I don't know enough about the sport of curling to know if that requires me to have my tongue cut out or not. With the ice I think no.
75. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?
I've never heard it speak so it must be an introvert.
76. Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
77. Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
No go on the pogo
78. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone?
No but I made it look like an accident.
79. Have you ever been banned from a public place?
Yeah but because of me it's not public anymore.
80. How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
Amazingly SPAM® has never sent me an email. I hear their knewsletter comes out an absurd amount of times per week.
81. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in the cupboard?
No, my monster slept in the top bunk.
82. Are you a clean or messy person?
…….mes…sy…… (the dots are crumbs)
83. What's your preferred playing piece in monopoly?
I like the car because it can run over the dog then we can barter to close the lawsuit.
84. Have you ever entered a talent contest?
As a surprise judge. The non-surprise judges didn't like my talent of being judgmental.
85. Are you a bad loser?
Aren't all losers bad, that's why they lose right?
86. What's your favourite type of Pie?
That preference is proximity based.
87. What's your favourite board game?
88. Do you have much of an ego?
Yeah but I'm borrowing it
89. What's your favourite supermarket chain?
The one that keeps the carts from rolling into the street
90. What's your favourite fast-food chain?
I wish sandwiches came with locks
91. What's your favourite type of tree?
The one that made my floor. I love that my floor happens while I'm standing.
92. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be?
Parker Brothers because they have a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.
93. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Wouldn't you like to know?
94. Would you ever want to learn to fly?
I'd like to ply a flain
95. Have you ever milked a cow?
Only through blackmail.
96. What's the cleverest word you know?
Smarty because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your dangling lower case g.
97. Have you ever wielded a sword?
I tried but the sword was so big it was unwielding (aka I was too weak).
98. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building named after you?
A building shaped like a statue.
99. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails?
On the animals themselves, for comedy, pig tails, for decency, pony tails
100. What's the ultimate cake topping?
Pie that dissolves the cake under it
101. Have you ever used the yellow pages?
I've used white pages as tp creating yellow pages
102. If you have an mp3 player what size is it?
13 Wide
103. Do you talk to yourself?
Not since the incident
104. Do you know any identical twins?
Maybe, if the world is mostly twins & they're all pranking me by only showing up one at a time.
105. Could you ever be a medical Guinea pig?
No, medical people would figure out real quick that I'm human
106. What's your favourite letter of the Alphabet?
ZZZZZZ.. sorry fell asleep there. What was the question?
107. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons?
Dinosaurs because they don't breathe fire fool
108. Do you know CPR?
No. What is that a CCR cover band?
109. Have you ever cheated at a test?
Yeah my driver's test. I used a stunt butt.
110. Are you a gossip?
I don't know, what have you heard!?
111. Do you always wear identical socks?
Yeah & they're bitter about it
112. Do you like the sound of music?
I prefer to taste it. I have great musical taste.
113. Have you ever made your own orange juice?
Does tang count? It's orange.
114. Do you like long or short hair?
In my soup, short.
115. Have you ever walked into a wall?
If doorways count
116. What's your favourite precious stone?
I don't know, the necklace she wore?
117. Could you ever hunt your own meal?
If I was eating a gunless robot filled with candy.
118. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?
Diagonal stripes, it’s the best of both!
119. Can you name all 50 American states?
Yes, if by name you mean rename. North Vigoda here I come!
120. Have you ever owned a goldfish?
Nope just silverfish for me :(
121. Have you ever passed wind in an embarrassing situation?
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.
122. Have you ever played the bongos?
Yes that time bongos were bogo.
123. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?
Yeah, I lead a million Ottoman march on Fantasia
124. Do you have a favourite mug?
I did but it was shot.
125. Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?
I've got plenty of defense mechanisms. I'm like a self-defense machine in that regard.
126. Do you collect anything?
No just certain things.
127. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?
Fashion not mattering
128. Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be original?
Conventional? You mean like cosplay or you are you talking like a yarn convention or something?
129. Have you ever given someone a handmade present?
Does a rabbit's foot count?
130. Are you introvert or extrovert?
I'm more introhoriz than introvert.
131. If you could have any feature from an animal what would you want?
Lucky rabbit's feet of course
132. Have you ever had a disastrous interview?
Yeah interviewing that dancing bear was a terrible idea.
133. Have you ever worn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?
Yeah those chumps are really clingy
134. If you saw someone drop a $10 note, would you claim it for your own or try to return it to them?
I'd ask for half & provide exact change.
135. Have you ever helped someone across the road?
Yes, by "nudging" them repeatedly with my bumper.
136. Have you ever been horse-riding?
Yes, if you mean the horse riding me.
137. Have you ever walked a tightrope?
I walked a looserope, it is much more danerouser.
138. Do you have any family heirlooms?
This isn't 'ot 6 people don't use looms anymore!
139. Do you throw bread for ducks?
Yeah but no one ever throws me ducks back.
140. Are you any good at egg and spoon races?
Yeah I always win unless the egg is hatched down a chute
141. Are you tired of answering questions yet?
From this list no, from life in general, yes
142. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails?
I would if I met a talking chain mail
143. Do you often have a tune in your head you can't name?
Yeah, legally they won't let me rename it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Thanks a lot Warner/Chappell!
144. What do you do to keep fit?
Throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.
145. Are you the sort to step in and try to break up a fight?
Yep, it's the one way I can shove people without them getting mad at me.
146. Have you ever started a rumor?
No, I've never been popular enough to do that.
147. Have you ever been in or had a food fight?
I fight food all the time, it's called Kung Food.
148. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol?
Yeah but I failed & my wound ended up being fatal.
149. If you invented a monster what would you call it?
The Semi-Annual Sordaspookster.
150. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals?
Maybe in some beachern countries
151. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it?
Captain Ship, The Sentient Boat that winces in pain when you walk on its deck.
152. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be?
Emergency Party Hats
153. If you were to join one of the armed forces which would it be?
The one where they give you 4 roboarms.
154. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study?
The tastes of foods
155. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it?
I hate most modern movie endings because the copyright years at the end of the credits don't use Roman Numerals anymore!!
156. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Toxic gas or Walking Non-Sequitur
157. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
No I keep my sweet revenge in a thermos, I never spill it.
158. Have you ever been to a live concert?
No, all the concerts I've been to were prerecorded.
159. Have you ever needed stitches?
Yeah, clothes ARE a need.
160. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything?
I wish they'd tell me to get more sleep.
161. What's the best way to your heart?
Vena cavas
162. Do you know your own mobile phone number by heart?
No, it's my brain that knows it.
163. Have you ever been in a submarine?
I've been in a submarine sandwich, rookie cannibals need to stop trying to eat so fresh.
164. What's your favourite nursery rhyme?
165. Who's your favourite leader of all time?
There haven't been any leaders that lasted through all time.
166. What's your favourite farmyard animal?
If I like armadillo milk does that make it a farmyard animal?
167. How high can you jump?
13,000 feet because I'm counting jumping OUT of a plane.
168. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere?
No, I don't know anyone named Majorly.
169. How fast can you say the alphabet?
A fifth of a second, it's just two words.
170. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?
This whole time I thought it was inaudible!
171. What was the last thing to make you feel happy?
The guy who made me feel the texture of his inspirational woodcarvings.
172. What was the last thing to make you feel angry?
This question because it reminded me that anger exists.
173. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself?
Of course, that is why I think.
174. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just too scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about?
What is this an ad for Google?
175. Can you roll your R's?
"Joke" about rolling physical R's somewhere
176. Do you know any magic tricks?
Silly rabbit, it's Lucky Charms that are magically delicious.
177. What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
I won 3,000 in a robbery… because I stopped it, yeah that's it.
178. Do you prefer Honey or Jam?
Jam, because, I mean, honey is totally sweet, but jam rocks!
179. How fast can you get changed?
I'm not sure what my cell regeneration rate is, you nerd!
180. How fast do you type?
90WPM but I stereotype even faster
181. Which is better, Mario or Sonic?
As a child's name.. Sonic.
182. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm?
A broken leg because it would mean I did good at showbiz.
183. Have you ever had anything published?
I got my obituary published when I faked my death! Yeah!
184. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Babies probably love their mommas when they first see them.
185. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
That's oxymoronic. My house is not remote thus all the controls in it are near controls.
186. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?
I'm not microwaved leftovers why would I ever be in a hot tub?
187. Have you ever had chicken pox?
No, those pox were brave & very social because they spread to everyone I've ever known & ever will meet.
188. What words do you always struggle to spell correctly?
Oh you want me to type them? You're sick!
189. If you discovered a new species of dinosaur what would you call it?
190. If you could have any celebrity's hair who's would it be?
The baldies because that's yuck I don't want to collect hair.
191. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
A snowman because he'd keep me cool.. Aww crap he melted. Solarpoweredrefidgeratorman, or whatever boat is alive that could take me home.
192. If you could change your name to anything what would your new name be?
Anything. You gave me no other choice!
193. Have you ever planted a tree?
No but I planted a kiss on one. Tree huggers aren't dedicated enough!
194. What's the heaviest thing you can lift?
My ego
195. What was the last present you received?
This moment
196. What was your first alcoholic drink?
I've never brewed anything.
197. Have you ever carved a pumpkin?
No, whittling sticks aren't thick enough to approximate a pumpkin.
198. If you were a giant mega monster what city would you rampage?
Whichever one has the tastiest people.
199. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?
I mean one of the building materials was wood, so I guess so. Like, I wasn't living in a bunker.
200. If you could replace one body part with a super bionic replacement what body part and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
Wisk fingers
201. Teenage parents, good bad or indifferent?
Of course they're indifferent, they're teenagers.
202. What's the most expensive thing you've ever broken?
A heart
203. Pirate downloads, good or bad?
They've gotta get it on their boat somehow
204. Do you have to wear glasses?
No, I have hands for carrying my drinks.
205. Would you rather be the world's greatest football player or lover?
Lover because I'll never have to retire from it.
206. Do you have a list of things to do before you're 'x' years old?
I'm past 10 bud.
207. What are better, violins or pianos?
Pianos because they are better at storing strong cheeses
208. If you could see any band, which would you like to see?
I'd rather hear them but whatever.
209. What would you say is your favourite album of all time?
The one with my kids' pictures in it
210. How much would it cost to buy your love?
My plutonic love is always for rent.
211. Have you already thought about your babies names?
Yeah, that's why they have names.
212. Have you ever been fishing?
For compliments
213. What makes you nostalgic?
Thinking about the future.
214. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Bugabuga!   Gotcha! There it was!
215. If you had to describe yourself as a flavour, what would it be?
The sponge that cleaned the soft serve machine.
216. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish?
They have outdoors now?
217. Do you have any superstitions?
"I'm afraid not."


Tuesday, January 31, 2017

No 1/17 Lessons🎓

No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a proud mother hen.

No one likes to be told "You're A Coward," except little Johnny who has just been adopted into the Coward family.

No one wants to break the rules, except the people who know the rules exist.

No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing their pants.

No one wants to be left out, except pies that are cooling.

No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to take it to the next level.

No one wants to put mustard on a peanut butter & jelly sandwich except mustard salesmen.

No one wants to be looked over, except dog show dogs.

No one likes to take the blame, except anonymous hackers.

No one wants a cop to shoot em unless the cop is also a photographer.

No one wants a thumb tack in their sock unless it’s hanging it from a mantel.

No one wants a cobra in their soup unless it’s cobra soup.

No one wants to get stuck in a rut except stickers. Because stickers aren't picky they're sticky.

No one wants to throw their Life away, unless they left the box open & it's stale.

No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.

No one wants to go through life afraid, except stylish bath rugs that think I said, "afrayed."

No one wants their wife  to disappear, except magicians.

No one likes to be made to feel less than, except <.

No one wants a toilet full of candy unless it’s post digested.

No one likes to be told to shut up, except cartoon wardrobes eager to show off their door flapping skills.

No one wants a burger made of wax unless it’s a candle.

No one likes to be told "You're no good," except students at the Super-Villain Academy.

No one wants to see that.. except people reading the word that.

No-one ever wastes money, suckers just pay non-suckers.

No one ever wants to run away from home. They want to run to a new home.

No one wants an orange filled with blood, unless you're a vampire that likes oranges.

No one likes to feel judged, except actors on trial in their first courtroom scene.

No one wants a knife in their back, unless they’re having surgery, voluntary surgery.

No one likes to have egg on their face, except freaky-deek chickens.

No one wants to drop the chainsaws they're juggling except treasure hunters trying to discretely saw through the floor so they can discover the lost golden anvils of El Rey.

No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people in heaven.


New Year's Resolutions📦

This year I resolve to watch less TV, by only watching 2 TVs at a time.

This year I resolve to stop biting my nails. Instead I'll finally buy that claw hammer & use it to remove my nails. I'll use a claw to remove nails.

This year I resolve to eat less.. while holding my breath underwater.

This year I resolve to travel more because I hate dribbling.

This year I resolve to cross one thing off my bucket list by killing Mr. Bucket.

This year I resolve to think before I go online & type.. jokes without a punchline.

This year I resolve to learn how to be a better dog owner so I can obnoxiously overgive people advice about it despite not having a dog myself.

This year I resolve to save money by disinfecting take-a-penny leave-a-penny trays, the #1 cause of Abeitis.

resolve to become I year This organized. more

This year I resolve to summit a mountain, after making a mountain out of a mole hill.

This year I resolve to start a sole proprietorship & anytime someone asks me about it I'll say, "It's none of your business."

This year I resolve to do more laughing.. maniacally in public.

This year I resolve to help more people cross the road, especially the ones chasing a chicken.

This year I resolve to spend less time on social media by hiring a retired helper monkey to give me the jist of it.

This year I resolve to exercise more... self-control... when it comes to overusing... ellipses... starting tomorrow... ...

This year I resolve to quit the bad habit of.. making resolutions I'll surely break.


January Selfesque Sundays📣

Fun? You want fun? Well, Mr. Fun is my middle name!

People used to think my beard was fake (because I used to use glue as a moisturizer on my face).

My abs are so strong there's no space between the muscles.

I don't take NOtes, I take YEStes because I believe in myself.

I like that they give us chairs at work it really boosts my morale, it makes me feel like I'm the chairman.


January Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day we had all our ducks in a row. Then we hurled rocks at them & that's how we bowled.

Back in my day we didn't have cubes. The best we had was a sqacirtrispir. It was a square on top, a circle on the side, a triangle on the other side & an Archimedean spiral on the bottom. We didn't have no time for high highfalutin 6 sided shapes. I never even saw a heptagon until I was 30 years old!

Back in my day we didn't get participation trophies, we didn't get any trophies. Graven images were not kosher.

Back in my day the only showers we could afford to take were when we snuck our heads under people's watering cans. And doing that meant the flowers didn't get watered properly & thus we robbed beauty from the world.

Back in my day nobody had Underscore as a middle name.


January Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you mirror for always seeing eye to eye with me.

Thank comforter for not being hard on me.

Thank you Tri-Leg Dutch Oven for standing up for other oven minorities.

Thank you Irish tailor for cutting me slack.

Thank you non-archeologists for not digging up the past.


January Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Your goat is a cannibal
Optimistic View:  You can feed it goat figurines telling it that they are shrunken goats.
Pessimistic View:  I don't think the breeding is going to go well.

Your doctor is a zombie
Pessimistic View:  That's not sanitary.
Optimistic View:  I trust him more because he knows better than any doctor that it sucks to be dead.

Your hamster ran away
Optimistic View:  Wow look at him go! All that training paid off! Who's regretting that $10 I spent on his wheel now?
Pessimistic View:  If he falls through the crack in the floor there'll finally be a downside to that sinkhole under the house.

Your pet fruit fly died young
Pessimistic View:  Now what am I going to do with all this rotten fruit I bought for his month day?
Optimistic View:  They'll put me on tv for being crazy enough to keep track of my infestations' lifespans!


January Think About it Thursdays👆

Is there anything toast can’t do? I mean, except beg to not be eaten.

What's your favorite kind of basket to carry wet chalk in?

Why haven’t they invented a language where every word rhymes with another? Brother, souther, mother, smother, grandmother, grandbrother. Oh.. it's because only 6 words rhyme with another.

Would you wear a quality napkin coat?


January Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a centipede with 2 feet.

I feel like cheese cubes rolling down the hilly street of my childhood home.

I feel like a 4 leaf clover wishing it could participate in autumn.

I feel like wearing a coat made of wax.


January Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that time when a cactus fell off a truck into the middle of the street & everyone obeyed it as a crossing guard?

Does anyone else remember that time when the mayor cracked down on birdhouse slumlords?

Does anyone else remember that time when the electricity went out & all the candles instantly lit up?

Does anyone else remember that time we found out the house down the street had 2 rooves when the roof fell off the roof because some kid put a second roof on his house so he could boss his dad around?


January 29, 2017

January R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Dress up like a boss & go around telling people they're fired at a place you don't work so they can be relieved later that they still have a job or relieved that they no longer have to work because they went home mid-shift after a stranger dubiously terminated them.
2. Take your new pet killer whale to the circus to laugh & enjoy its freedom. The big top has the only entrance that you can fit its giant water tank through.
3. Discover twins' need for a dual rocking horses toy & invent Rocken Oxen, "Extra yoked!"
4. Install mini-saunas into neighbors' mailboxes so their mail can already be opened for them.
5. Found a Benny Hannas style ice-cream shop & employ down on their luck clowns to juggle scoops.
6. Out of respect Legally rename your dog with the name of your sibling's dead childhood cat, Mewy Purrmurrs III.
7. Rob a grave, resell the casket to a poor family, give the paltry sum of money you made on the sale to the deceased's family.

January 28, 2017

Survey Saturday

How many silk hacksaws I can put you down for?
❑ 1
⊡ 2
⧉ 6.12 (7th one is damaged, you get the 1/8 at a discount).
▣ I'm not sure how many silk hacksaws it would take to kill me. As a saw I'd die of old age before it could kill me. Oh? It's frozen silk? Ech, I don't want to think about this right now!


Wednesday, January 25, 2017

+=- Raincoat odometer avalanche disguise.💖

I've made a bacon comb, this was my dream. It has all the features a bacon comb needs. A felony prevention kit, a presence indicator, a bacon strip ridger, & a wad of wool to soak up the extra grease.

I've got a canopy to prevent clams from falling on my head. I'm the director of excitement! Goodbye. Ravioli filled with pudding, come nigh. I ruffle spirit feathers like a gastropod. These holes must be from jumbo gophers so with my lute I will laud.

I've got a badge showing that I have a beak in case you look at my chest instead of my face because I keep my branch shaped candy close to my heart. I drive an Uber but just for couples who need booster seats when they sit on thrones.

I like to pitch softballs at birds who wear carnations to control the poet spiders' incantations. I like billboards with butchers on em chopping eight steamrollers on the streets of autumn.

Criminal with a portfolio surprise sculptures a shelf into a nanoparticle. Pentagon stamp fights with lemonade thermometer. Conga line during soccer game ends with bloodied limbs.

Leopard pineapple interior. Towel throws a temper, temper throws in the towel. I knock over waiters & steal the shattered glasses to use as pillow stuffing for my guest room where my enemies stay.

Unfortunately meteors don't have a double edge criteria for slamming into the earth. Please tornadoes don't pilgrimage! Weekend utensils depart like toothbrushes protesting a soda bar. I'm shooting sausage at a ladybug & it's darting like a disco surname.

If concrete falls on you your wrist will become a windshield, it will be cracked like a lonely shark's mirror. Surprise bathtub. Nylon leafs on fire. I'm a charlatan backbone. I deliver stew emulation. I am the sultan of inviting typewriters to debufont balls.

My bicycle made of kleenex weighs an ounce. I hate that I can't name a cat Misses Claws without it sounding Christmassy. We are money flying out of a jet's wallet. Platinum sundial. Carrot drumsticks need salt tonight. Father-figures by the pound.

Blowgun in a salon cleans your hair of leaves & bones. Swan carcass pillow. How feathers feel aftershocks. A tank as a postbox. You row me away through mounds of water. Story-telling catsup booster megaphone station during riot.

Aliens eat foam they are not alone that's why they're called alien$. Recording a zebra's thoughts for its children. If you fall asleep somewhere weird you make a fluke bedroom. Ovals aren't laughing at migrating switchboards in 20ths century part B. Cardboard shorts make you feel special while crying. Gemsbok rams poison in my hands. In my hands sphere watch breaks deals it made with Pavlov Pavilions.

Hobby confusion, entertained by aluminum glands. Quasi-limit existence or we won't be stable. I hate the tablecloth sized page. It makes me allergic to the non-numeric timeline.

Dogsled hats in industries of neologism randomize one shade of a color. Pocket-watch headlights play chess with dragon mothers. Radio decongestant isn't good for your ears.
Watering ripples flood your dresser with piranha prose recruits.
They call them fireflies because fire doesn't swim.
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